Why I'm Insane

It's not a rant, I think it's quite logical, actually

Because I am whatever you say I am, according to Eminem. I've heard Eminem in my head. Wouldn't you say that makes me insane? I'm not talking about his music playing in my head. He was telling me to kill some girl. That definitely made me insane. To be legally sane, you have to know the difference between right and wrong, as well as be in control of yourself. I didn't kill the girl, of course, but I still say I don't know, and I'm not. I'm both ignorant of the difference between right and wrong, in both legal and ethical senses, and, frequently in my opinion, under someone else's spell, experiencing what psychologists might call avolition. I know I'm not in control, or as in control as I think I am. I'm not sure I'm ever in complete control of my actions. Sometimes I'll stub my toe or bang my head, and I interpret that as mind control karma by some bastard in my head, enforcing his or her own sense of justice. People try and stay sane by saying Let go and let god, but seriously, my mind is obviously guided "places" and my movements are restricted, or even occasionally made. "The twitch, that is all", Robert Penn Warren said. This isn't sleepwalking, but still. Is everyone 'insane'?

I'm mentally ill. My fingers tap, I hear a voice in my head (that occasionally issues orders) which COULD be interpreted as law or God, I get chest pains from a world that doesn't afford me privacy and judges my thoughts (sometimes not according to how they were intended). I can't move freely without getting head shocks. It's a mad mad mad mad world, as the movie title says. That doesn't make me insane, though. To be insane, I have to know the difference between right and wrong.

I do not know the legal definitions of "right" and "wrong" if they exist. There's the saying It's All Good. Jesuits find God in all things, including viruses and spiders and abortion and being possessed, and, presumably, "evil" acts like murder. I murder bugs all the time. If you believe she exists, God is good, and God created neurons, and thus pain, and thus suffering, or hell. My bible has commentary saying everything is for the furtherance of God's purposes. So even evil is good. The word evil seems like linguistic mind control...eve ill. I don't believe in an Eve, at least not one literally conforming to the story of being created from Adam's rib and talking to a snake and all. Jesus' followers spoke in tongues, in languages they didn't even know, so I'm a bit skeptical of letters and characters and math. It's all mind control, and it seems we're all pawns, minions, slaves, robots, zombies, vampires, made by our masters. Our masters are originally our parents, and who's to say they're moral. You have to believe they're good, when you're a kid, pretty much...what choice do you have. As you get older, you get to choose alternate role models of "goodness". Some choose Hitler. When I first did my numerology thing, there were so many connections it was crazy. Maybe computers control all of us. Evil is 3, like computer, or vampire.

To seal the deal, "be good" = "evil." Be good is 2,5 and 5. That makes me think of Jesus Christ Christ. That's JSS EE, or Jesse. So I'm evil. JSS is evil, too. Tree is evil? Nonsense.

Of course, I am not my name. I could be your name, and still be me, I think. A rose is still a rose.. 'Roses' are 'Jesse', lol. Damn wizards. Maybe we should be like animals, and forego words alltogether. Is there still a "right" and "wrong" without words? Or will the birds chirp wrong? Is cannibalism wrong, if you're hungry, and humanity is overpopulated by billions of people? What if cows evolved thumbs, and started to eat meat? Would justice entail feeding us to cows? Are we supposed to eat wafers for the rest of our lives? Of course cannibalism is wrong, but tell that to the praying mantis. We are animals, and nature IS red in tooth and claw. Maybe the concept of wrong is wrong.

Right means conservative, correct, moral, and the opposite of left. There are liberal conservationists, the righteous leftists. Right is a homonym with write, rite, and Wright. The nazis (socialists) all held up their right hands. Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side? (He's all right now). I'm not right. I'm half-right. I'm half left. I'm right handed. Does that mean might makes right? Right =8. Ite. I, T.E. Jesus Christ. NONSENSE. Words are mind control. I'm sick of them. The term all right implies everything is right. JLT=all right. Our language tells us there is no morality! If only God is good, then what does it matter if I know the difference between right and wrong, as a mere mortal? And if I'm God, it's not even possible to be bad, as God is good. Morality creates the law, so as God the law is derived from me. It is good to be free. Imprisonment, therefore, is not right. Only God is good, God is always and everywhere, and almighty god is a living man. Some living man is immortal? That can't be right. Immortal is immoral plus T. Immortality is immorality plus T. I'm basically confused. Does our language tell us anything?

Jesus said don't let your right hand know what your left is doing. What the hell does THAT mean? Jesus, our supposed link to God, was obtuse and insane. Jesus is the son of God, and the light of world?; was he saying he was the sun? Is the homonymy intentional? Jesus Christ, superstar, literally. Did he speak English? Did aramaic have the same sound for son and sun?Jesus' Father in Heaven...does that mean his father was happy, dead, in outer space, or on earth (which is in the heavens). Was Jesus saying he was one in being with the sun? Does virgin birth mean there was no semen, or that there was no penetration? Does it matter? Son of God just means son of love, and his mom loved him, I imagine. Jesus makes me crazy. But crazy is not insane, either.

If you don't know what's true, you don't know what's right (correct, or moral). Words, the unconscious, "truth", gravity, and dreams are all cases in point. Is there a difference between the words true, right, and correct? Is it insane to believe in the power of anagrams, the subliminal force behind words? If I am 'as earth', and we are all formed from the earth, is everybody somehow formed from me? If the entire earth is everyone, and all in all is all we are, would one person killing another be everybody killing everybody? I better not try it! Is objective reality defined by belief? What's real, because apparently there's a lot going on behind the scenes, under the surface, like with words, for example, and mind, like with subconscious and "collective" unconscious. Does not knowing what's really going on make me psychotic, or, in other words, disconnected from reality? How can any of us know reality? Am I evil to say, like (was it Pontius Pilate) What is truth? "Reality" is the only word in the english language that should always be used in quotes, I've heard. Even a brilliant phsyicist with a TOE (theory of everything) isn't omniscient. Mind means mined, like data mined for information from a Vulcan-like mind probe. The bible says, Do you not know that you are not your own? Reality seems like it should be simple, but it's not, and I don't have freedom or privacy in this supposed democracy, an election of which I may have decided personally. None of knows everything, even if he or she is a "know it all." Speaking of physics, what's up with gravity, how can science be ignorant of the why of it, or are they, and do dimensions exist, or just the 3-dimensions in the eternal now. Can the law of gravity be broken? Did Jesus really manage to walk on water, or was it some kind of perceptual illusion, a magic trick, within the law, so to speak, if not a historical lie. Didn't Jesus nullify sanity for (virtually) all of us? He was basically saying we don't understand reality, only he does. None of us can walk on (the surface of) water, unless it's frozen. Do dreams come from the unconscious, "God" (some alpha-male dream broadcaster), Morpheus, whoever that may be, or anyone or anything else (some or all of the above)? Is there a collective consciousness or unconsciousness, aside from the tv? Am I God? I exist. I am. Reality is insane, and I guess that's the sanity. Live until you die's the only way to stay sane.

Is my numerology in any way real for anyone else? Does my numerology define reality? I'm mentally ill, they say. Schizoaffective. Because I hear a voice, I'm telepathic. That's not necessarily "ill." That's just abnormal psychology. Actually, I won't even go that far. I think hearing a voice in your head is normal. Everyone hears a voice in their head, I think, if only "their own." I'm going to say it: I am well. But you are in me, and you might not be. I believe my sickness is yours, which is to say, your sickness is mine. To heal yourself, you have to heal the world. Pot can cause schizophrenia. Shizophrenics are not necessarily insane. Isn't that nuts.

You may say Right and Wrong is defined by God or the law. I don't believe in God, other than myself, and I don't know the law. The (6) law (9) could be 'Peggy Teshara', the matrix of my mother. Of course, I was in Annette Riddle's matrix. 77's matrix. Peggy (75777) has four 7's, so there's six 7's between them. Lawrence has five (obtuse) 7's. 'Teshara' contains seven gods, which I will call g's. Jesse contains 3 gods: JSS and S (Allah) and Zeus (jesus is pronounced heyzeus, so I'm making SS Zeus. Call me Dr. Seuss). God is an overdose of G's. Apparently, I have 10 gods, appropriately enough, in my name. I didn't include Lawrence. If I want to make my father 'God the father', like Jesus did, then that's 11 Gods (8 the 4, Jess the Jesse, one in being, Lawrence my middle name is his first, Larry). You might want to make law a God.

10 gods might be a g overdose. There are 10 fingers (although some people seem to think thumbs aren't fingers), and the phrase "perfect 10." Being J is not easy. It's not easy being green. Teshara can be 'the sara.' 'The' is also Jesus H. Christ. Jesus Christ is 25, which is the letter Y, which looks like him. Is Jesus the reason for everything, i.e. WHY? They say he's the reason for the season. Now you know who to blame. If I am God, and God is good, then anything I do is good. There's no reason to "believe" in myself. I know myself. Jesus is pronounced hey, Zeus. Zeus had human failings. The s.s. certainly did. Morality is the (supposed) basis of law. Necessity is the mother of invention. Morality=good=christ=5=she (my wife's tattoo). Hey, I just found three 7's in my first name: Jes, ess, and sse, in addition to three 7's in my last: Te, eaa, esa. The 10 gods are: Jss (Jesus), S (Allah), SS (Zeus), Ra, Hara, Shara, Eshara, Ha, and Ar, Set). It would be 11 gods if you included J or A as One (YHWH=1. Jesus Christ, Ha, Dubya, and Hara are one in being, lol). So that's 11 sevens and 11 gods. Speaking of 22, V is for vampire.

My birthfather doesn't even figure into this, of course, as I don't know who he was (Richard Stollnitz? x Mudd?). I certainly don't know God's law, as defined in any scriptures. I didn't write those things. I know the OT says you're not supposed to get tattoos or eat calamari. Seriously, why would any God even care. I know a speedreading lawyer, and I don't think even he knows the law. There are entire law libraries filled to the brim with law. Besides, there is no "law", no single code for all of us. There are laws, and legal systems, and different types of law, like civil and criminal. There is no "the law," David the lawyer and self-proclaimed vampire told me. He also said he was a liar. They say ignorance of the law is no excuse. Is that a law, or a saying? The golden rule is fool's gold. People are different. Loving your neighbor as yourself is a lame law, as you may not love yourslef, or even be suicidal. Suicide is illegal, but you should have rights over your own person, I think. What about the Buddhist monk who set himself on fire?

How can the government tell us what is legal, when it sends us to war, puts people to death, spends trillions on the military at the expense of healthcare, and makes the unthinkable thinkable? Why should you let lawyers or lawmakers tell you what is right or wrong? What the heck are "community standards"? The entire world is a community. Me, myself, and I is a community. There's the "criminal" community. Crime can be a kind of informal justice system. Is it really all good, like my Bible says? Should I buy that bull? Communism may have been Godless, but that doesn't mean they didn't have love, or wanted no one to exist (No I AM). It was a way to organize society, an idealistically humanist way of redistributing wealth, from each according to his ability, to each according to his need. And we used flamethrowers on these people. No, I sure as hell don't know the difference between right and wrong, if I have to rely on the law, lawyers, and lawmakers, like the Commander in Chief, and his power hungry legal minions, to tell me. We praise Gandhi and Martin Luther King for their nonviolent resistance to laws they found immoral. So whatever. A big fat whatever. You can be your own lawyer, king of the hill, head of household, and make your own law, rule the roost. Corporations have their own rules, and individuals can be corporations. You can even make yourself moral arbiter of the Universe. Then again, there are fathers who rape and enslave their families. There's consensus reality, and consensus morality. Situational ethics. What a mess.

Craziness: right v. wrong, 6 v. 5, JLT v. Christ. The word sinister is derived from the word left. The left-handed path is said to be that of satanists. The church of satan says "do what thou wilt," and go seek pleasure and happiness, in whatever form. ____(the church says the same thing). The government doesn't even obey the ten commandments. There's nothing sinister about left, or righteous about right. There are even cases with people who have reverse anatomies. It's all mind control. The heart is on the left (actually it's about right in the center), and heart can be 'hater' or the symbol of love. Go figure.

Actually, there was a cover story of Time or Newsweek I saw at the supermarket that talked about the places in the brain that were the origins of "good" and "evil." Is it all just brain chemistry?

The main argument I have though, against being sane, is that God wants us to enjoy life, he's the source of all happiness, and happiness really can be a warm gun. I am not a danger to myself or others, though. At least as far as I know. Maybe I butterfly effect some hurricanes, or tune myself to the frequency of the earth and cause earthquakes. Maybe my very thoughts have an effect on the world, as a global telepath, if not causing, then contributing to wars or whatnot. I know not what I do. Furthermore, our very survival as a species may require BILLIONS of humans to die off (read Wikipedia's article on scientific eschatology). Even murder isn't so cut and dry. Some people want to die. War is funded by congress, and all those bullets flying results in MURDER, of both combatants and noncombatants. There's the concept of original sin. Just because someone wants to kill you doesn't make them your enemy. Maybe they just don't understand you. You're supposed to love your enemy, and that generally doesn't mean killing them. Maybe it does. There's the adage, "kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out." If you believe in God, you generally believe in heaven or paradise. Buddhists see death as an end to suffering. Meat is murder, and we eat lots of burgers in America. I confess, I'm a murderer too. We sell cans of Raid in the supermarket. What makes humans worth more than ants? There's the Death Penalty, sanctioned by the State. If some talented lawyer can kill some "criminal" with his words, then why can't I? Not that I want to. I'm adopted, and abortion kills the unborn. I'm glad I'm alive, and abortionists are legally sanctioned killers. Life DOES begin at conception. Some people say life begins at age 40. Ha. So go out to love and serve the lord. Lord stands for Life or Death? Whatever. It's all good. Unless it's all bad. Unless it's all WHATEVER.