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I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess
Ladies- I'm a single, straight, virgo/boar INTJ (age 45) who enjoys books, getting out into nature, music, and daily exercise.

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 1000 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Thursday, January 19, 2017


rooted in Truth

Let's start from the beginning.  That would be the Big Bang.  Scientists tell us that's when spacetime originated.  By my lights, however, there was an infinity of time beforehand, in the past, just as there is an infinity of time ahead, in the future.  Can physicists and mathematicians refute this?  Is "the end of time" a rational, logical phrase, or is it in fact meaningless?  (with the exception of the more poetic reading, interpretation, of our own individual inevitable deaths?)

Maybe the answer doesn't even matter.  Our doom could be approaching from somewhere at the speed of light.  Or the sun will expand, engulfing the earth.  Or global warming will make the earth uninhabitable, burning us all to a crisp.  Or... on the other hand, time is irrelevant, because time-travel and teleportation are possible, and humanity can live in a loop, or a figure-eight, such as the symbol for infinity implies.  A collective groundhog day, or all of us inside a computer, or something.  But is immortality possible?  Would it even be desirable?

Does time really double back, and intersect?  Apple computer is located at 'infinite loop drive.'  Do they know something I don't?  Has the future visited us?  Have aliens?  So many interesting questions!   Without knowing the answers, I adhere to the belief that life is too short, 100-odd years not enough, and immortality desirable.  Life is good!  Oblivion is unfortunate, as is aging, and pain/suffering.  If life can be secure, comfortable, pleasant, fun- in short, utopian/heavenly -then it ought be pursued.  If life only holds suffering, i.e. war, torture, hell- then even 100 years is too much. 

But if reality holds the possibility of love, then eternal youth, for a lifetime of happiness, should be a scientific goal, a holy quest.

What are we, what is it that ought be extended?  We are animals, bodies, not souls, or gods/demons.  We are what we eat, less what we excrete.  We are the roles we play, the activities/jobs we choose.  We are our dna, in the environments/time/culture we find ourselves in, as well as the ones we choose for ourselves.

If we make a heavenly environment, then we should make hardier bodies, to fully enjoy a timeless existence of life and love.  Exercise, fitness, health and wellness, with the goal of daily maintenance and improvement, such as body-building and yoga and vegetarianism and a vibrant sexuality, is a good place to start.

Children are a kind of immortality, perhaps.  Books are another (as is any other kind of creation or artistic creativity).  Although we ought keep in mind the Tibetan buddhists making their sand mandalas, to remind us of impermanence.  I saw a TED talk that gave me pause, however.

It showed, like an encyclopedia set, a set of books with an individual's entire genome printed on it.  I would guess it was like 50 volumes or something.  The full content of our genetic code can be identified, saved.  That could be made immortal, no?  We could be made anew, either cloned in the real world, or the data operating in a virtual reality.  Or both?

The relative value of different portions of our dna should be fully investigated, and eventually understood.  Then, happiness can be maximized, while suffering minimized/reduced/eliminated.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Types of Sin

10 words, 5 types?
You are free to construct your own typology, of course

For Catholics,
the categories are omission/commission, mortal/venial, and original.
mortal is also called serious, or grave

there's also the 7 "deadly" sins,
which are also called cardinal, or capital.
(p.a.l.a.g.e.s): pride, avarice (greed), lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth.
(or, sage pal, like Budweiser!)

ccc; commission, cardinal, capital
god! (g.o.d.:  grave omission deadly).  (grave original deadly?) ha.
also, good: (grave omission original deadly!)

I wonder if the Pope thinks the gay pride parade is sinful.
Actually, though, I don't really care.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

The Word 'God'

Good without an O

such as orgasm, offence
God with an O is still good!

Go D! or go, D.  (get out, devil) (get out, dad -pain: pa in)
or, G  o.d.(overdose) (too much 'g')

dog:god, as lived:devil
 (marines are called 'devil dogs') (I am a 'lived god')

Gulf of Darien, Game of death, glory of death,
gravity of disease, graduate of Davis
gulp of dandelion-wine

Good old days, good orderly direction,
grand old duke, goals objectives discipline
governor of district, green or democrat, GOP or democrat
(Al) Gore or (Gray) Davis

God or devil
Godly/good or diabolical/demonic/depraved
gratitude or dismay, grow or diminish
glad or depressed, grieving or delighted, gleeful or dour

gavinblood or d.a.g. (deputy attorney general)
glowing or dark, glamorous or dull, gone or dead, great or diminutive
grandpa or dad, german or deutsch, german or dutch
genius or dumb

google discovery, good/great day, global development
Gray Davis, Gina Davis, Grateful Dead, Green Day
Gangster Disciples, Great Depression, greatly disillusioned
Gd (gadolinium), Georgia Dome (home of Atlanta Falcons)
general disarray, grave digger, gold-digger, graduate degree
glory days, guns-drugs, general destruction, giant dick
the great divide

and, of course, Garage Door, lol (open, sez me)

Monday, December 26, 2016

Christmas double-speak

Mary Chris must! (what a pear)
 (and Hoppy Gnu year!)(rabbits and wildebeest!)

Santa's sleigh (1. satan's 2. slay), santa claus (3. claws)
fireplace (!) 4. he will?, he'll: hell, 5. dec-ember,  6. w-inter
grace, manger- (7. gr- ace, 8. m-anger)
let us pray (9. let us?)(10.prey)
mistletoe (11.missile tow) (TOW missile: tube-launched, optically-tracked, wire-guided)
12. christ, cry-st.

and a few more:

rude off the red knows, reign dear.
blood: b-lood (be lewd)
sweetheart (can o' bull!); heart anagram, hater.
stockings: stock kings

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Wisdom from On High

The Most Important Thing You Will Ever Read, lol
(some principles and virtues)

Love and be loved! Be in love.
Accept one another for who you are, and all is right, well, and good.
Everyone is a child of God (love)
and even the devil has a sweet inner-child
        in need of love
        and averse to pain

Life is good!
Be Happy for any or no reason at all, and do your best to
be strong, fit, healthy, sane, well, and alive!
to make the world a better place:

Development, progress, improvement, betterment, change
Kindness, growth, charity, mercy, curiosity, virtue
humor, laughter, fun, play, creativity, joy, cheer
compassion, equanimity, resolve, discipline, friendship
thriving vitality, appreciation, gratitude, sincerity,
innocence, trustworthiness, helpfulness, bravery, thrift,
cleanliness, security, comfort, variety, honesty, hope.

(you may have noticed some omissions from the scout law*, you are free to add "to taste")
(also, there's a whole book of virtues by seligman ("character strengths and virtues"), for a more comprehensive view, perhaps -which I still haven't seen)

diversity, community, inclusion, teamwork, competition, wealth
eat, drink, and be merry!  To health, wealth, and happiness!
Satisfaction and contentment and well-being and joy
life, love, and laughter - look good, feel good!

Be Good!  Just Think/Say/Do it

(learning and wisdom, l.a.w.):
Mindfulness, discrimination, curiosity, research, google/internet, education, questioning, reading, listening, watching, observation, science, writing, teaching, challenge, discipline, motivation, dedication, determination, drive, guts, sharing, testing, theorizing, creativity, engagement, knowing (biblically!).

open-mindedness, changed perspective:
travel, culture-shock, different languages, different religions, new music, reading, writing, role-playing, acting, lying, movies, exercise/fitness, drugs (in moderation), different jobs!  willingness to step out of "comfort-zone," "psychological travel," reality-testing, thought-experiments.

Gettin' crazy (mci): madness, craziness, insanity.
Let's get crazy! -Prince, Seal
(but maybe not -legally or clinically- insane, though...)

to read-
Apparently, not everyone thinks charity is a virtue.  I'm going to read some Ayn Rand and see what all this Republican libertarian "objectivist" madness is about, for myself (Atlas Shrugged, Fountainhead).
*a scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent (the scout law).
3 other scouting guidelines:
be prepared (motto). do a good turn daily (slogan).
and, of course, the Scout Oath:
On my honor, i will do my best, to do my duty, to god and my country, to obey the scout law, to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

I'm not sure it's possible to help other people "at all times," but it's a worthy goal, nonetheless!

Thursday, December 8, 2016

All RIght

"It's all good"

Hypnosis is everywhere, and religion is all about trying to make you happy. 

God is everywhere (omnipresent0,
in your mind, in your body, in the world, in the universe
in space, time, energy, matter
present, permeating, perfect, in potential and possibility

God is love (loving, and being loved, the source of all goodness):
God is good, kind, forgiving, benevolent, merciful, compassionate
God is everywhere + good=  thus, everything is good.
(thus, nothing is bad)

all-knowing, all-wise, omniscient (intelligent, curious, educated)
he understands, he knows, he comprehends, he hears (your prayers)
(a global telepath!)
knows, biblically.  in sex, orgasm, intimacy, love (soil).
knows, overstands / understands. 
truth, reality, virtual-reality,
enlightenment.  the dark side, too.

God is all-powerful, can do anything, can answer all prayers

music and dancing and singing and shouting and clapping hands,
community, cum-unity.   grace, gr-ace.  praise, p-raise.  pray (prey).
God the father, God the creator, the holy family (holes)
sex love intimacy touch, ecstasy orgasm cumming
hugging kissing, sucking fucking

when you're in love, both loving and loved, the world is All Right.
But we all know life is a work in progress, evil exists,
and there's a dynamic, a dialectic, a thesis/antithesis/synthesis,
in which problems get fixed, and evil is made right,
and growth, development, change, improvement, progress, betterment
happens (because shit happens).

In fact, I suspect God thinks It's ALL WRONG
because reality is FAR, FAR off from possibility, potentiality, perfection.
So that's what God is (an attempt at hypnosis, in pursuit of progress)

evil can be a lot of fun
if you're a monster
(even bad can be good, from a demonic/devilish/diabolical perspective)
devil= d-evil.   4 evil.  For evil.
fun is good!!
but pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish
      anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury
      sorrow, sadness, weeping, wailing, crying, tears
      depression, oppression, repression
      gnashing of teeth, hopelessness, despair
      cruelty, ruthlessness, savagery, torture, brutality
      wickedness, evil, depravity, sin, crime, hell
      illegal, criminal, unlawful, wrong, immoral, unethical, bad
      iniquity, transgression, turpitude
      unfairness, injustice

should be minimized, reduced, eliminated, overcome, fought

Upright Moral Probity ire.   Umpire calls the strikes.  Shot-caller.
God knows.  He knows if you've been bad or good.
So be good for goodness' sake.  (< or the japanes rice-wine)

Wells Fargo

I had an unpleasant experience there today

I went in to the bank this morning to exchange coin rolls for cash, and was greeted by a man who asked me how I was doing, which apparently is his job, which I ignored, because I didn't feel like being cheery, to which he asked again, so I lied and said fine or something.   I told the teller, a woman, that this man was a "cheer nazi," because he was making me feel unwelcome for not being happy.  I have the right to be unhappy, goddamit.   Okay?  Alright?  There's a lot of shit to be unhappy about, and actually, this employee is just one more reason.  Seriously, that's his job?  What a stupid job, if you ask me.  Get a real job.  And if I don't feel like engaging with him, he shouldn't get aggressive about it.   After I told the teller I felt unwelcome, he continued (passive-aggressively) with an insincere "have a nice day".   FU, asshole, and  F U wells fargo.  Maybe I'll put my money elsewhere.   You know, they didn't even reply to my suggestion that they put the total (checking plus savings) on their website.   Strike two.  If they really want me to be happy, they'll have some sensitivity that not everyone feels like being cheery with complete strangers, or forced to act cheery, or felt unwelcome after not pretending to be cheery.   Shit happens.  There are zillions of reasons to be unhappy.   Forcing people to pretend to be happy is just another reason, okay?  I shouldn't have to mention Syria, the Phillipines, the Oakland fire, Trump,  pain, sympoms, grief, or what have you.  Stop trying to cheer me up.  I don't even think the greeter enjoyed his job.   I don't need it, I don't like him, and I resent having to deal with this shit every time I enter your goddamn bank. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

New Nephew

While in Belize,
Greg (my brother) and Liz (his wife) had their second son,
Declan Gregory Teshara
who I am eager to meet,
and be Uncle Jesse to, as I am for
Benjamin and Augustus, already

all ready?  all brownie?  all greenie?
not funny, oh well.
Neither is pointing out Niger, Haiti, and Ireland,
being like
Winnie the pooh, shattuck,
krusteaz, murano, compass, and country (!)
And, if you're hungry, there's also Bolivia, Chili, Syria, Turkey (ha!)

I've never heard the name Declan, but Sara has.
'deck-lin', I believe
 reminds me of elan, a french word (also used in english)

Happy Birthday!
I am so happy the birth went well. 
Weirdly, Declan's birthday happened exactly on the due date, which was also Greg's 37th birthday (!!) What a gift, eh?!


Back in Berkeley

It was really nice.  More than nice:
Lovely, beautiful, relaxing,  needed.

I got a sunburn (shoulders), though.
That, and a tweaked (right) elbow,
and blisters on a thumb and toe.

un-Belize-able.  Kenya Belize it?
I didn't go to Kenya, but I have a hat
I bought a t-shirt and a basket
(and brought home some shells, too)
I miss it already!
(but it's nice to be home, as well)

We (Sara, Pierre, Augustus, and I) went to Caye Caulker
pronounced Key Cocker
there are 3 theories how the island got its name:
sailers actually caulking their boats
"corker" - sailers getting cork for their casks
and the anglicization of "hicaco" (the coconut plum)
(so that's why it's not mentioned in Wikipedia)

Belize used to  be British Honduras
They speak English
The gvt, (but not the people, actually, I'm told)
wanted independence, which they got in 1981 (recent!)
They use BZD (belize dollars 2bzd:1 american dollar)
both currencies are used.

The motto there (in CC) is: Go Slow
which I've taken to heart, and brought home with me.
We ate well, and I spent like $300+
I ran out of money, actually, and made it simpler,
by putting things on my "tab" (to SPA)
which was not strictly tabulated,
but i'm told is around $150
I bought gnc omega 3, and muttivitamins before i left, too.

I have a dogwalk today (at 1p, Orion)

so ya, Pierre and I went kayaking, and saw
some big fish (turbot?), some divebombing pelicans, jumping fish
(and of course i single handedly fought off an alligator
while P got speared by a swordfish!)
we also biked around the island, and saw
the cemetery, catholic church, wildlife sanctuary, rasta church,
asemblea de dios, casa de dios.
I was told not to poke around the cemetery.
hopefully i didn't get zika, but all of us got bit.
the 4 of us came in by water taxi from Belize City (where we spent a night).

(belize of the beast)
cheap food, panty-rippers
We ate well, ate italian twice, met Dutch travelers
(I learned Holland is a province in Netherlands)
The two taxi drivers (from, to the airport) were helpful
There's drugs, corruption, cronyism, "bosses"
 but also
swimming in the ocean with Augustus,
swinging in hammocks
riding in golf carts
and seeing shad, needlenose gar, melodious blackbird,
red-throated frigate bird, miniature crabs (and sand-mites!)
there were pigeons, petrels(?), a humming bird, ants
and we saw a small jellyfish, pulsing
as well as globs of jelly (kinda egg shaped) (ambergris??)
(I recently learned ambergris is "whale vomit")
Lots of stray and wandering free dogs (including Ipu (e-poo))
we didn't see seahorse, or sea turtle, or sharks
(because we didn't scuba or snorkel out by the reef)
there were little ant-hills in the sand in the shallows, underwater
We stayed at Wish Willy's (air b and b house, i think)
we saw wild lizards and (grey) iguanas
(my belize t-shirt has a (green) iguana on it)
it was hot and we kept the fans on.
SPA all went out swimming while it was raining.
I thought of enya (caribbean blue), and madonna ("tropical the island breeze")
reggae was popular

I brought Moby Dick to read, but didn't
Didn't go into the jungle (but the flight in came over a lot)
so no howler monkeys, jaguars, toucans, or climbing pyramid
i'm told the pyramid is rebuilt, not authentic.
the cave-tubing was praised by Joy, next to me, on the flight to Houston.
We considered taking the "manatee madness" tour.
global warming, the island was hotter than usual (but i liked it)
balmy breeze (say cheese! -ha, a reference to brie)
maybe next time! You better Belize it!

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Off to Belize!


So I'm flying with friends to Belize this week.  30th thru 5th.  Then back to dogwalking.  I was told over Thanksgiving dinner by those in the know (Chris and Sarah had their honeymoon there) to bring mosquito repellent.  Flip-flops might be good.  I have sandals.  I'm reading Moby Dick, The Economist, and of course the Belize lonely planet guide (with a section on Caye Caulker).  I've got Belize City weather on my phone.  Looks like thunder storms!  I'll bring my meds, my phone, my book, enough clothes, and repellant, along with my passport, in just one carry-on (that fits overhead).  Don't need much.  It's a chill-out destination.   I'll help Pierre and Sara with Augustus, kinda like a nanny.  My folks are helping with the airfare.  I'm always updating my budget (daily), and I have about $4100 bucks.  I don't need to bring much, I think.  I should say I'm thinking of buying an e-bike.  People always ask, are you excited?  No.  Not much.  I'm just hoping for safe flights, a safe water taxi to the island, not getting robbed, and not getting Zika!  I've had a rough week, symptom-wise.  Schizophrenia is a BITCH.  Really, seriously, hellish, sometimes.  Not just annoying, but painful.  Maybe I need a med adjustment.  Anyway, I helped my folks with the Christmas lights on their tree today, in San Francisco.  I took Bart out to Glen Park, and rode the 23 bus up Monterey.  Greg helped bring the tree in, yesterday.  I hope the lights don't start a fire.  We split the strings to two outlets, to be safer (the base of the bottom string got hot, and blew a fuse).  Benjamin's new brother or sister is due soon.  Uncle Jesse, otra vez.  Tio Chuy.   We don't know the sex, or name, yet.  They speak English in Belize, former British colony.  Thanksgiving dinner was delicious.  I offended Liz' dad, John, by not greeting him, which I feel bad about.  There were 13 of us, plus bump...  I just immediately started playing with Ben, instead of being social.  He said I discarded him like an old shirt, or something.  I don't know what to say to that.  Well, so it goes.  Ugh.  Sorry. I sat next to the sheriff, Vicki.  I asked her if her email server was secure, lol.  And she read the Terry Pratchett book I gave her last year (with commander Vimes).  I had a burrito again from La Corneta, at Glen Park (carne asada super, black beans, spicy salsa), with a snapple.  I like the trivia.  Today's fact?  I forget.  But I told my mom that jellyfish don't have brains.  Which I picked up from the "weird-o-pedia" Oakland library book that I just renewed online yesterday.   I forget why the topic of fish brains came up.   And I forget what airline we're taking.  I have the itinerary in my (greatly backlogged) email.   I remember what I forget, lol.   It was good seeing (my cousin) Patrick.  He wants to backpack Europe (maybe alone), which sounds fun, if/after he gets approved for permanent disability.  My status will be reviewed in 2018.  I hope I get well, but I also am anxious about losing my benefits.  I didn't win yesterday's lottery, lol.  I got 47, though.   DoG!   I see all these homeless people, and freaks me out, but on the other hand, maybe I can find a rewarding and enjoyable career.  But I also want to read hundreds of books, to say nothing of the daily/weekly news (ny times / economist).   I'm not sure I want to pursue dating.    Maybe I'm better off alone.  Sara and Pierre could move to New York, if bitcoin gets approved for atm's there, I think is the situation.  I'm still listening to a lot of music, mostly college radio.   10:20, past my bedtime.  JT :-)  goodnite.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Does Anyone Deserve to Die?

I say no

Everyone dies, the wages of sin is death, there is not one who does not sin.  Only God is good.  Only God should play God, and by God, I mean nature/time.   Everyone should die of old age.  Premature and unnatural death is wrong.  Thou shalt not kill, vengeance is mine sayeth the lord.  Karma is a natural justice system, unlike the forced human legalistic one.  Even torturers and terrorists should not be killed.  Life is good!  Life is a gift, precious, and temporary.  Prison, not death, is a better punishment.  The best justice system, however, is repentance, forgiveness, and freedom.  Repentance and the resolve to be good, not to commit crime.  "Go forth, and sin no more" should be the end of it.  Adding punishment to the original crime only adds to the suffering in the world.  There is always the possibility of virtue, being/doing good, in the future.  All life has meaning and value.  Hate the sin, love the sinner.  Killing killers isn't justice, it's hypocrisy.  

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Reasons NOT to kill

As if you need to be told

1. Aids.  prison rape.  incarceration.  hell (on earth).
2. Hell (forevermore)
3. Love.  The victim loves/is loved (parents, family, soulmate).
4. God's law.  God says not to.  Sinful ('Thou shalt not kill')
5. The victim has a long life ahead of him/her.  Finality of death (life unlived).
6. It's suicide.  The victim is you.
7. The victim has character, is interesting.
8. karma. justice. vengeance. ("the price of sin is death")
9. suffering.  theirs, yours.  guilt.  animals'.  well-being.
10. k-ill.  it's sick, unhealthy, diseased, unwell, ill.
11. it's criminal.  self-image: you are not a criminal.  you are good.  you are not a sinner.  you love yourself.  self-respect.
12. just to prove you're not possessed, to defy the devil, to have mastery over your dark side, to be like yoda.
13. the greater good, everyone is better off alive, life is good.
14. to set an example.  live and let live.
15. to resist temptation.  superego vs. id.  supremacy of conscience over hate.
16. to go to heaven.  (joyful immortality) (heavenly reward)
17. for love

In sum,
sin, guilt, crime, punishment, hell, foregoing heaven/love, respect, self-respect, maturity, willpower, kindness, perspective (we're all in the same boat), righteousness, hope.

fuck you, Satan!
(demons, hellions, vampires, monsters, criminals, the wicked -are not your 'crew')

happiness, bliss
No one deserves death.
Everyone is their own universe.
No one lives forever.
Time entails potential for progress.
Everyone's life has meaning.
Let God play God.  Acts of God.  Time/Nature (senescence, old-age) are best.
Murder has 4 victims (victim, perp, loved ones', society)
Sex, intimacy, touch, orgasm, ecstasy.
loss, grief, sadness, pain, despair.
Life is good!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Trains, Trains, and More Trains!

train of thought, locomotive breath
4 names: choo-choo train locomotive (and iron-horse)

engine, injun
crazy train (all aboard!!)
casey jones, grateful dead.  drivin' that train, high on cocaine..
   (casey jones you better watch your speed. trouble ahead, trouble behind..)
   (and you know that notion just crossed mind!)
loco, crazy.  motive, component of a crime.
   (a locomotive is different from a train.  i didn't learn that til yesterday!)
   (an engine is a pretty loco motive to commit a crime)
   (but maybe an injun isn't)(the train made me do it!)
choo-choo (sound of the whistle)
iron-horse (how many horsepower?)
whistle, horn, bell.   steam whistle.  air horn.  brass bell.
toot toot! honk honk! ding ding!
clang clang!  (crossing guard, signal)
     (uh-oh! watch out! beware! caution! look out, here i come.)
      here it comes.  getting closer.  waving. hi! going past.  bye!
steam engine.  black smoke, white steam.
burning coal heats the water into steam to power the engine
steam pressure, let off some steam, release
old steam engine train, cow-catcher, caboose
cargo/freight train.  passenger train.  amtrak.  bart.  light rail. muni.
trolley, street car.  electric trains.  third rail.  overhead power lines.
diesel engines.  tssss.  brakes hissing, like a snake.  sibilant.
training bra.  c.i.t. (counselor in training), sports training
flat cars, box cars, tank cars
piggy back shipping containers, intermodal
bridges, ascent, descent, up up, down down, climb,  coast
i think i can i think i can.  the little engine that could.
through the tunnel, inside the mountain, light at the end of the tunnel
runaway train (movie)
derail, (derailed train of thought)
tracks, rails, ties, spikes, rock/gravel bed
toy trains, thomas, lego trains, xmas trains, narrow gauge
the only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys
chugga chugga, chuff chuff chuff...
"de-train" (term used by amtak conductor)
engineer, conductor
sleeping car, dining car, viewing car
double-decker, coast starlight express, capitol corridor
anna karenina/suicide
tied up on the tracks / homicide
ellen trainor (actress), E.T.
pull, push
"shunting wagons"
trucks, trailers, trains, tracks, tram, trolley, travel, trip, trippy
roundabout rotates, swivels
old/new, bullet trains, maglev (magnetic levitation)
commuter trains, stations, station-master, stationary
museum, wikipedia, youtube videos, google pics, tilden park
zoo train, disneyland train
choo choo Chuy.  chew your food.  charleston chew. chewbacca.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

American Money

3 stats

The average American is

$15,762 in credit card debt
$27,141 in auto loans
$48,172 in student loans

The average household income is $53,482
Trump wants us to double it.

I don't have any debt.   I only buy with what I have, within budget.
I get free food pantry groceries.   free library!
my brother pays for my iphone (ongoing xmas gift)
my mom pays for my gym membership ($35.20/mo)
My rent is $725 (includes wifi/utilities), (about a dollar/hour!)
(I get $615 in social security/mo)
I have a disability (schizophrenia, a mental illness)
(i use a disability bart pass) (i'm on the Kaiser medi-medi plan)
(my meds -olanzapine, risperdal- are $1.20 (!), plus free dental, vision)
(my folks are paying for my trip to Belize with Sara, Pierre, Augustus)
I have made $4280.10 to date from Wag! (sinch March this year)

I have $4066.12 in checking plus savings, a/o today.
I am currently reading Moby Dick, by Herman Melville
    - I have a noon half-hour walk today with Toshi, in Oakland  :-)
    - No car: I bike, bart, or bus (mostly bicycle)
    - I'll visit the Apple store today to fix my ipad; and get phone help:
     (center button doesn't work, and photos are out of memory)
     - And i need to renew my driver's license at the dmv. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Making America Greater Again


Well, the USA will have a new pres on 1/20/17, and it's The Donald.  Amazing.  The polls yesterday said he only had a 16% chance.  My uncle won the bet he made with my bro's wife.  I voted Hillary, less enthusiastically than my vote for Bernie, and read her entire wikipedia article, read the first 200 (of 900, large print) pages of her Hard Choices book, and looked at her website.  She'd been preparing for president almost her whole life (aside from wanting to be an astronaut).  I never read Trump's wikipedia page.  I haven't even seen his tv show.  I'm not even clear on what's attractive about being conservative, truth told.  I know Hillary used to be Republican, and Trump used to be a Democrat.  I watched Oliver's youtube videos about the wall, and drumpf, and raisins, as well as the litany of Trump's offensives from Seth Meyers, and it all sounded pretty convincing.  I still don't think the wall is going to happen (at least on budget, or paid for by Mexico!!).   I actually believe in open borders and precedence of humanism over nationalism.  I barely even consider myself an American.  When I recited the pledge of allegiance as a teenager at the Boy Scout summer camp, I changed it to united states of the "world", and to the "unity" for which it stands, one "planet" under (or over!) God.  I was hoping he would get a tv channel, and Hillary would show us what she could do, having achieved her life's ambition.

I guess the election was kind of a personality-contest.  Trump is occasionally funny, while Hillary always seemed dour, and her giddiness feigned (to me).  Also, there's "the secret", which says you shouldn't be against war, for example, because that just causes more war; you're supposed to be FOR something.  Hillary made the campaign less about pro her than about against DJT, which only worked to his advantage.  Thirdly, Hillary is pro-choice, which, in my view, really does make her a "nasty woman" (which is better than calling her a baby-killer).  Hillary is personally against abortion, but didn't have the cajones to be for legislating prohibition of what she actually considers wrong.  Then again, I wouldn't enforce vegetarianism...

ANyway, I liked Trump's brief acceptance speech.  It was inspiring, the bit about untapped potential.  I myself am trying to escape the hindrance of being mentally ill.  America is already great, but twice as good sounds even better!  Did I hear him correctly? He wants us to double our GDP?  I'd like to make twice as much, for one.   He made his victory about us, less about him, which I liked.  I'm trying to be positive, making good of this.  (He who creates hell deserves hell.  If he's really for torture worse than waterboarding, then that's evil.  That will not make America safer.) I know he collects bibles.  Does he have a Koran?  Does he believe in karma?  There are 1.6B muslims in the world, almost a quarter of humanity.  They are not the enemy.  Only a few.  He pledged to serve all Americans, and that's quite a diversity!  And a public servant should be about reducing suffering, increasing happiness, and not simply the almighty dollar.  God is love, and love believes all things.  I'll try and believe Trump will be a fantastic president!  And maybe the Waltons won't be as selfish, for example.  The red hats, I hope, are not code for HAT-RED.

I actually like raisins, lol

Friday, November 4, 2016


Some thoughts, having drunk the electric kool-aid

I am shocked!  Currently charged with battery?
elect Rick!  he has +'s and -'s, though.  elect Ron.
does he live in the tri-city area?
the train conductor will take you there
coffee makes me wired
we made a connection
after meditating, i was grounded
ac/dc rocks
i'll contact my agent
knowledge is power
in shock, needing medical assistance
electrocution reminds me of bug-zappers (and fry's electronics)
electro-magnetic (energy, spectrum, radiation)
force fields
resistance is futile
breakers on the beach
use the force, luke
pee: power, electricity, energy

The Latest

the late test
my personal "noose"paper
good mourning

busy day today
1.reported last months income/paystubs to social security (self-employed, independent contractor)
2.library- skim ny times, acquire food resource sheets to distribute to beggars
3.gym- watched tv during stationary bike, learned about 9 day stock market record
4.gnc -$87.58 of food.  free protein bar. (member discount, plus coupon)
5.3 dogwalks, 2 hourlongs, 1 half hour.  I really don't like night walks.
   (Sparkle, Zephyr, and Tank)(made $63.50)
   (i still have $50 itunes, $50 amazon)
6.bkly food pantry- shorter line than usual, 2+ bags of groceries
7.also, McGee church free lunch, plus "shopping" table of 3 salads, and 1 wrap.

extra sensory perception
every single problem
espanol (spanish, in spanish)
esp.  especially

a. the universal language
b. the healing force of the universe

body types
Rusty Jeffers, John Terilli, Ashrita Furman
Jim Morris (vegetarian bodybuilder)
(I bought 2 strawberry gnc amplified wheybolic extreme 60's today, with coupon)

everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

apocalypse conversation:
M- "The Gospel teaches love, not the apocalypse "
(in reference to Harold Camping, a "very bad theologian" who "missed the rapture and got to die like the rest of us."  died in 2013.  the end-times hoopla I remember was in 2011.  I heard him on the radio while I was tuning in to the World Series.
J-Aren't there 4 horsemen?
 M-"lots of imagery.  horsemen, angels, vials of wrath and plague and pestilence, lots of symbolism: Christ the Lamb slain..."
J-The wages of sin is death, there is no one without sin.  So the victory of good over evil is when we all die (I interpret that individually, not a collective extinction).   How's my theology, presbyter?  I had a delicious lamb gyro the other day, lol.  Poor Christ, always getting eaten.  I think the worms must have got him long ago.
M- "The wages of sin are death, but the free gift of God is Eternal life through Jesus Christ.  Romans 6.23.   Salvation is a gift we receive by faith."
J- Well his beliefs I guess are an ongoing ("living") meme.  Belief= be lie F, whatever that means.  Be truth A?  I don't think oblivion can be overcome by anyone, faithful or no.  But I'd like to be surprised.  Flying horses are kind of like Santa's reindeer!

similar-sounding, easily confused words:
simulated, stimulated

recent reflection
feeling asexual, misanthropic, possessed/sick, even dumb
sss.   social security, sibilance, still sad about Sarah Salazar.
         g-d (dead and gone)

'why don't you order the economist'
'it makes you feel well'
'i'm swallow, jess'
 'your soul is toll militant'
'it's a weed puppet'
'you ARE my money.  huh.'
i know you'll turn eventually
into a somewhat human person
you're law as well
i know you're a vegetable
is why i know it's weird
i fucking can't do it.  i can't do anyone.  because you're law.
u r loose if e
jess you still trip out everybody
i'm not right (x3)
i've never been capable of handling you
no more sugar for the next year, do you understand?
you have a fat ten
that is a fat jew to you
no one has ever done what you did
jess u r a little bit genius interesting
you killed my children jess
you can be Satan jess
here's why.  you're law
that is your net
that is your weekly problem
jess you've got it all me to slay
you have what it takes to become an exTREMEly well individual

recently read books:
Grunt, by Mary Roach
Between the World and Me, Ta Nehise Coates
The Box, by Marc Levinson

on deck: Belize (travel guide), Moby Dick, Weird-o-pedia,
Hard Choices (by HRC)
(also hard) looked into Hard Problem, a play by Stoppard
   -my cousin-in-law, Dan Clegg, is in the A.C.T. play currently underway (the review i read online by Rowan Hooper of the New Scientist was unappreciative- think I'll skip it)

dinner on Sunday with parents in SF
will bring for mom:  tupperware, (repaired) bracelet (bday gift),
oatmeal raisin cookie from Adeline's bakery.
can of cranberry sauce.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Fashion Advice

Clothing and Fashion

Naked is beautiful. But, unfortunately, it's usually illegal. So, when out of the home, or not on a nude beach or tolerant foreign country, you must be attired. What to wear? If you consider the question trivial, or not worth thinking about repeatedly, you can follow in the footsteps of the illustrious Albert Einstein, who only wore grey, so his mind could remain occupied with weightier things/matters. If you don't mind spending time and money on the sartorial, and all things fashionable, you might subscribe to the principle of 'look good, feel good.' Naked SHOULD look good, so if you don't like your appearance, the gym is a good place to start. The reward is worth it. In tandem with this, however, you should wear nice 'threads'. Dressing well really does help you feel good. Even space-time is considered a “fabric.” Priests are “men of the cloth.” And people with a surfeit of personality are “colorful.” Intelligent people are “bright.” If you feel bad, making yourself look good is a good first step to turning your frown upside down. First impressions are important, and you should dress to impress. Vestments are an investment! And your personality will conform to the image you seek to present. You are an actor -all the world's a stage. Every day is Halloween! Or, if you're not dressed to kill, so to speak, you can dress for success, because every day is a costume party! Your image, of course, is more than your body and your clothes. What you say, what you don't say, how you say it, including body-language, and your hair, facial and otherwise, as well as scent, all matter. Don't burp, fart, spit, pick your nose, sneeze and cough, any more than you would shit or vomit in public. Some things should remain private. Flatulence, eructation, expectoration, and excretion should not be on display. Smile. You're on your way.

This is of course all highly superficial. You want your quality to have depth. Don't talk to yourself. Talk to God in private. Be happy, and others will want to be around you. Be interesting. Cultivate wisdom and knowledge, be curious, there is always more to learn. Love life, and your enthusiasm will be infectious. Life is good, so do what you must to beat the blues (unless you're a democrat, ha). Make yourself useful, and do what you're good at/appreciated for, and enjoy, and you will making a living while having fun. Life should not be an endless series of chores. Play! Variety, as they say, is the spice of life. Mix it up! Keep yourself challenged, motivated, growing, interested. If you're bored, then you're boring, Tony Robbins said. And success isn't just money, or even necessarily monetary at all. You're worth is not you're “net worth.” You can make the world a better place just as much as Bill Gates. Thrive, alive! I suspect a lifetime supply of heroin, intelligently “strung-out” could make you as happy as anyone ever was or ever could be. But a better plan, I imagine, that will keep you alive (a lot) longer, is being in love, first with yourself, then your life, then a significant other, then with everyone, in the realization that we're all in this together, and we all face the same problems, and we all want to help each other out, toward mutual peace, joy, comfort, and knowing. Bliss lurks everywhere. Being happy is not as impossible as it can seem, and in fact can be as simple as pumping out some exercise endorphins, listening to music, reading a poem (or all 3 at once).

I like writing, and making lists of happy things to do. Maybe you should, too. Cultivate positivity, and eventually everything becomes enjoyable. Eating, napping, watching, listening, reading, talking, being creative, traveling, thinking, playing, learning, teaching, knowing you did your best, it's all good. God says thou shalt not kill, so maybe crushing thy enemy shouldn't be on the list. But learning self-defense is always a good idea, I think. If you live right, maybe you won't have any enemies.  I believe God loves the devil, even though he's a piece of shit. Even shit can be helpful, no? Being in love is the ultimate answer. Everything is some shit, lol. Progress requires destruction, time entails death, and comfort pain. Hatred is a challenge that is ultimately a joy to conquer, if you manage to not be consumed by it. That's all I have to say.  

Friday, October 21, 2016

Gloom and Doom

General Dynamics and the CIA

also, General Dynamics, the world's 5th largest defense contractor.
They make the F-16.

(3) cia's:
Cal Institute for the Arts (have a cousin who went there)
Cairo International Airport (CAI, iata code)
Central Intelligence Agency

plus (5) "embeds":
Drink Lupicia tea and take Cialis with Felicia Ciara Garcia!
words containing 'cia' :  LINK

(11) same letters:
ica, islamic consultative assembly (main legis. body of the iranian gvt)
      iron chef america (tv show)
      region, province, capital, and river in Peru
      immaculate conception academy (in sf, my mom went there)
aic, alice in chains
       arab-israeli conflict
aci, air crash investigation
       alameda county industries (local trash and recycling)
iac, international access code (telecommunications)
cai, computer assisted instruction
       cai rivers (Brazil) (Vietnam)

God is the central intelligent agent?  omniscient!
G-D: google discovery

Turn that frown upside down!
gloom and doom / grieving death to
giddy/glad/gleeful/gratified/grinning delight!!

"good god!" -korn
                     -james brown

Thursday, October 13, 2016

I Support Hillary


with 2 caveats-
1.her giddiness strikes me as feigned.  my god, get real.
2.and pro-death:
she's a hawk, and pro-choice, and carnivore, who supports the death penalty

but I still like her
and I dislike Trump (a lot)

Her and abortion is like me and vegetarianism:
I see all the arguments, and consider them valid, but can't bring myself to close the deal.
I like meat!
She thinks abortion should remain legal!
(despite personally seeing abortion of an "unborn person" as "morally wrong") link
We should both change and not be hypocrites, I suppose.

(although killing your own baby seems worse than killing a farm animal)
we all have failings.  nobody's perfect.
(except God? your perfect self, as the Pope being infallible would attest)
(even Jesus said "why do you call me good.  only God is good.")

I read HRC (which also stands for both the Human Rights Campaign, and Commission)
is a devout Methodist.  She goes to the FU Methodist Church, lol.  (Foundry United).  Methodists believe:

"Do all the good that you can, by all the means that you can, in all the ways you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can." -John Wesley, founder of Methodism.

If that were all there is to being Methodist-
We should all be Methodists! (I like the Dead Milkmen song, Methodist coloring book)
method to the madness: atheist methodist! a.m.
I am.

Also, I like Bill (a Baptist)
Bill thinks life begins with breath (the spirit of God).
It's a fact, though, that life starts at conception.
Maybe we should think of orgasm as the spirit! ("omg")

i don't want to be evil,
but I honestly don't think there's much difference between
squashing a bug
from shooting somebody.
Humans are just another kind of animal.
I live with a "bug" in my head, and would love to squash him, which i guess is the devil's way of aggravation in the pursuit of bringing me to the dark side).
"lead us not into temptation" ("deliver us" from evil)

Thou shalt not kill.
You should not kill.
Don't kill.
Killing is wrong.

That's what God says, right?
Is God lying? (god is a man of war.  the art of war is deception -sun tzu)
"it's all good" (is that biblical, too?) (god is love. love believes all things)
is it the devil or god who wants you to abort?
is it still wrong if neither exist!! (i think so)
again, adoption is the loving choice.
nobody can judge their baby to be better off dead, no?
Life is good!

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Green Or Democrat

GOD, lol

I got my ballot in the mail, today.
17 state propositions (51-67)
I've got both the democrats' and the greens' endorsement lists.
They differ on 6 of them. (51,54,60,61,63,65)
I'm told the best way to choose is to see who the backers/funders are.

51. Education?
I believe in pursuing your curiosity, unfettered.
So everyone should have access to libraries and the internet (and librarians).
I kind of think teachers get in the way, actually.
But I've had a lot of really great teachers, as well.

"all right" (my voice keeps saying that.  it's getting really annoying)

I think all books should be available digitally, to everyone, free.
And there should be systems like I enjoy here in Berkeley, available globally, for actual physical books.   I have in mind the Link+ system, which links hundreds of libraries, and can obtain most anything.   I think education investment should be for that.
Questions, answered in forums, are just as good as a classroom, imho.
and online classes, like coursera, open yale courseware, flashcards, etc. are great, too!
The best teachers should teach everyone!
Everybody should get a phone/tablet/computer.
Language instruction needs classrooms.  Or travel and immersion.

Dems say yes, Greens no.
I have to say No.  
Jerry Brown thinks the money would be better spent in poorer districts.
My dad is the director of the Burlingame Adult School.
So I'll have to ask him, I guess.
And my aunt was the principal of St. Elizabeth's, in Oakland.
I'll see her this Saturday (her birthday! (friday))

54. Legislature Transparency
Dems say no, Greens yes. 
after reading the green rationale, I have no idea.
vote whatever

60. Mandating condoms in porn
dems no, greens whatever.
Making porn less sexy is better for women?
so Yes.

61. drug purchasing
dems whatever, greens yes.
I say yes.  
National Nurses United, which supported Bernie say yes, while the drug industry and Ca doctors are in an "incestuous and cozy" financial relationship.

63.  firearms and ammunition sales prohibition
dems say yes, greens no.
it sounds good, but the greens are right, because it exempts cops and retired cops (ordinary citizens, like us, some of whom abused their power), a violation of equal protection standards.

65. Bags
I used to be a grocery store "courtesy-clerk" (bagger)
I would say "kill a tree or erode the ozone?"...
Dems whatever, Greens no.
"one of the most disingenuous ballot measures in state history"

I think I'm a green, lol.
I'm a registered Dem
The green voter guide is well-researched and extremely persuasive.
see it yourself! :

Wednesday, October 5, 2016


notes from a Kaiser group discussion about

7 things to reduce/prevent relapsing

1.strategies for coping with stress
stress can be internal (body/mind), or external (e.g. relationships)
out, in: out of your head, in the present moment
   exercise/walk, shower
   meditate, nap, go to church
   read, listen to music, watch tv
   write/journal/blog, make art
   good food, enough sleep
       sameness can be good.  change can be good, too.

this reminds me of my list of activities (Most Everything):
bio: body, input, output
b-eat, exercise, sleep
i-read, watch, listen
o-write, talk, create
vatog: visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, gustatory
(see, hear, touch, smell, taste)
2.participate in treatments that help you recover
    kaiser "wellness club" (tuesdays/thursdays 10:30a to 12p, drop-in),
    therapy- e.g. cbt (cognitive behavioral therapy) group, individual
    meds (i.e. medication, medicine, pharmaceuticals, drugs)
    community, family, friends

3.build social supports
      we all need someone to lean on! -Rolling Stones (Let it bleed)
       211 (3 digit phone number to connect you with services)
       Kaiser Oakland Dept. of Psychiatry (752-1075)
      google 'crisis support', or 'suicide hotline'
      Berkeley has a Mobile Crisis Team
         (981-5254, voicemail)
         (981-5900, for quick service, connects to police dept.,
           who will contact MCT for you)

4.use medication effectively
       -follow dosage/frequency, as directed
      - changes mind/behavior: find balance between Authenticity and
                                      Staying out of trouble (e.g. hospital or jail)
       -side-effects, interaction effects (be aware of)
       -adjust as necessary
       -some can self-medicate, w/o professional (i.e. doctor's) guidance
            (alcohol and pot and tobacco, e.g., can work/help,
              but also be problematic)
        -if you're on vacation/forgot your meds, you can get
            like 1 week of Emergency supply from most pharmacies

5.recognize events or situations that contributed to Relapses in past.
         sleep changes
         ADL changes (activities of daily living)
        energy-level changes
        (for me, a pot edible) also,
        my handwriting changes (wide range, from neat/legible to not)

6.know early warning signs that you might be starting to have a relapse
             -ew signs, lol

7.Respond, Act!
          get help, before becoming full-blown
          -family, friends, professional(s)

Monday, October 3, 2016


7 of them

My friend Caitlin had an essay on sex/internet yesterday, so:
I queried Google with 'what percentage of internet traffic is porn?"
    -depending on how you measure it, anywhere between 4 to 30%

I overheard someone say that "The body regenerates all its cells every 7 years, so technically we become a new person..."
   -This is false.  Brain cells/neurons from the cerebral cortex, don't get replaced, for example.  Different tissues have different growth and replacement rates.  Fat is replaced at a rate of 10% a year (so new fat every 10 years, on average).

I also overheard today,
'Habanero' is actually the word for a resident of Havana, Cuba.
The pepper is named that on the theory that it has a Cuban origin.

I saw a sign today,
it said 1/4 of the homeless are U.S. military veterans.
This is false, too.  It was estimated in 2013, 12% of the homeless were veterans.  Either way, it's a big problem.

'Latin' america is a weird term.  I mean, they don't speak Latin.
But Spanish, Portuguese, and French (as well as Italian, Romanian, and Catalan) are Romance languages (itself named after Roman origins, not necessarily xo flowers and candy and makin' whoopie), which are all derived from "vulgar" Latin (Vulgar doesn't mean that all they spoke were swear-words!)  It means the common/colloquial/nonstandard sociolect, contrasted with "classical" Latin.

from Snapple facts:
(It's a big reason I buy snapple!  I wish other companies provided trivia, too. U-haul does),
I learned that "the average dog can understand over 150 words."

and finally,
I was wondering why Ireland is the land of ire.  I mean, really?
Turns out, as entertaining as that might be, Ireland is actually named after a pre-christian goddess of the land and sovereignty (the matron goddess of the island), Eire, derived from Old Irish 'Eriu'.   So much for being the land of anger and rage and irritation!  Even Hell, Norway, is a pretty nice place!

Saturday, October 1, 2016

What to Do

As if I don't have enough, already
starting 2017 (giving myself 3 months to prepare)
   -idea: a sheet to record what i've read, daily/year.
age 45, but starting fresh daily :-)

job i love, woman i love, in love with life  (ILL!!)
read lists, (then everything, the entire library!*)
learn/master aikido
travel, restaurants, museums
body-build, daily maintenance/improvement
buy house, raise a family

that seems like enough, lol
and i'm happy, already! (enjoying myself being alone, actually)
(so it doesn't matter as much if I never achieve completion!)

Books I've Loved:
  The Prisoner of Zenda was my favorite book, when I was a kid.
(by Anthony Hope)

Douglas Adams, Anne Rice, Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain
Franzen, Anais Nin, Tolkien
Isabel Allende- house of spirits
Gabriel Garcia Marquez- 100 years of solitude
Mikhail Bulgakov- The Master and Margarita
Pratchett and Gaiman- Good Omens
Camus- The Stranger; Sartre -Nausea
Burroughs- Naked Lunch
Gibson- Neuromancer
Alejo Carpentier- The Lost Steps
George Eliot- Middlemarch
Manzoni- The Betrothed
Yuval Noah Harari -Sapiens
The Year's Best Horror and Fantasy (short stories)
Leopold- A Sand County Almanac
Jorge Amado- Tent of Miracles

must reads-
atlas, proust, bible
maybe Shakespeare (if you can get the weird words clarified)

more recently enjoyed:
Lev Grossman, Bill Bryson, Terry Pratchett (word candy!)
(actually, no.  plenty nutritious brain food)

1. a)Bill Gates recommendations (from his blog); link
    b)Jose Vargas, friend, lit instructor, suggestions:
       Ficciones -Borges, El Reino de este mundo, nocturno de chile
       Between the world and me, by Ta-Nehise Coates
    c)Michael Helbush, friend, retired professor; link (Bloom's canon)
           noted, especially: Melville's -Moby Dick
    d)Pierre's picks: The Expanse sci-fi series, by James SA Corey
 2.1001 books you Must Read Before You Die
     (I photocopied the author index); link
3. title index, (forgot the source, mystery book!)
      from Absalom Absalom to Zuckerman Unbound.
      (also photocopied, just the titles-list)
4. 501 Must-Read Books
       (I shrunk 2 pages to fit on one photocopied page, small print)
        link (I think this online list is different)
5. The complete set of Newbery award winners and honor-books
      (1922-present); link

*maybe I'll learn to be able to speedread with superintelligent ability at some point in the future.

Saturday, September 24, 2016


Because David is a bug

"voices" (still going, I know):
aka "auditory hallucinations," telepathy, or dae-dreaming
"someone's in my head, but it's not me" -pink floyd
from my "source"- (voice, headshocks, chestpains: possessed)
David A. Eldridge, dag (deputy attorney general)
acronyms: dag ridded evil, degraded livid
leave me alone, David. 
stfu, and stop invading my privacy!
you are unwelcome and evicted from my head
don't talk to me
stop being a criminal
and don't hurt me anymore, either

you're a doctor, jess
that is your soul crazy
jess you've got a lot of life
do you know what you are? you're as free as can be
i can't fucking handle it jesse
david has got major obscene amounts of problems
david is giving up, jesse
david so utterly sad, jesse
i am utterly obscene
fucking ow, jesse
i can't help you, jesse
i'm basically trying apocalypse the jew; see what they say
you have the power of an exorcist
i'm almost sad that you write anything, because you're LAW
you have the work at all
jesse i'm fucking crazed at how you are
you think i'm me but really i'm someone else entirely
you're a victim of my trying to be right
people are DEAD jesse
i can't even breathe
i can't see what it is that makes you law
i'm evil, Jesse
you belong in a world of leadership, jesse
i hate law
i need help, jesse
you belong in new york, jesse
he's wondering if you're really the devil
jess you're a freak at law

Friday, September 23, 2016

Recent Thoughts

stupid and smart

smart products:
smart car/ mg (mentally gifted)/ toyota iQ
smart-phone/ apple genius,
smarties (candy), smart water, smartmop
SMART center (San Mateo Adult Resource n Training)
intel inside
dihydrogen monoxide: you should be getting 2.2 to 3.0 Liters/day

dumb synonyms
stupid, ignorant, uneducated, incurious
ignant ignoramus!
idiot, imbecile, fool, moron, dipshit, dimwit, retard

don't take the name of the lord in vain: Jesse, je suis, JC
JZ, Jess, see s.j., Chuy (pronounced 'chewy'), Isai (I, Isa)
Jesus, hey Zeus

'gesellen' means 'joined' in German.  Jess+Ellen, once upon a time.
excellent (ET)
Sara: sincerity, ceremony, cerebellum, triceratops,
    seraphim, coursera, saracens, sarawak
(Teshara: the Sara)(k sera sera)

SA on KT n KG LN

sick: smart intelligent caring kind
bad: birth and death, Beginning And enD
pain: pa in (get out, dad)
mad: mom and dad
lord: life or death, light or dark
   LN or David

caring: car-ing.  cairns and Karen.
your dad is a motherfucker
your luvs are full of shit
I eat the kind, drink the smart (bars, water!)
masturbate: go fuck yourself
vacuums suck, wind blows, jaws bite
your cat is a pussy
i'm just kidding about your young goat being your kid
your female dog is a bitch
i am a bastard (child born out of wedlock)
don't call my fraternity a frat!  would you call your country a cunt?
privates in the army: dicks, assholes, pussies
excepting some limbless, we are all armed (and dangerous)
i have ears, i hear voices (o-vices?)
vice president, president of vice

britney spears: presbyterians
hillary clinton: only i can thrill
santa, satan
devil, lived
god, dog (dog is my co-pilot)
heart, hater, earth
david eldridge, dag ridded evil, degraded livid

God is a man of war.  The art of war is deception.  Hence, God is a liar.
God created man, Man created God (chicken and egg)
God is a way of endowing your convictions with greater authority
God is love.  Love believes all things.  Therefore...

elf: everyone lives forever
danny elfman, in oingo boingo, sang No one lives forever! hey!

some g.o.d.'s:
garden of delights
grand old duke of york, he had ten thousand men...
game of death
good orderly direction
god or devil
good or diabolical
goodness of death
good old devil

Thursday, September 22, 2016

My Day, by Jesse Teshara

Daily Routine

early to bed, early to rise:
2 alarms (alarm clock/kitchen timer)
make bed (fold futon into couch, fold blankets, place 4 pillows)
move tack (to vitamin C & omega-3, in morning)
fill brita pitcher, make oatmeal, coffee, gnc protein
bathroom (brush, shave, excrete)
whrb jazz on cordless headphones, stretch, history
     history (4): 1.grim reaper's book of days, 2.today in history,
                        3. wikipedia, 4. farlex dictionary
gym (slb: swim, lift, bike), shower
     -yoga (yttp: yoga to the people, donation-based/free)
      -exercise at home (8)(shakes, pushups, bent row, arnold press,
         tricep extension, planks, passes, bicycle crunches)
read: book/day*, (daily) new york times, (weekly) economist
nap, meditatate, music
    music: itunes (whrb, wprb, wmbr, kalx, kdvs, kcpr, kzsu, kzsc,
                  gdradio, clave); also: pandora, youtube, cd's, fm radio
money (dogwalking)
  blog, e-mail, research, news (feel the b.e.r.n.)
   blog: god's blog, the jesse journal (this)
   email: family/friends, delancey, poem, trivia, vocab, wapo202
   research: google, ted, J!archive, wikipedia, oyc
   news: onion, csmonitor, berkeleyside, facebook, wikipedia
     (maybe huffpo, cnn, flipboard, apple news, as well)
     spanish: yahoo on phone (with useful highlight-spanish dictionary)
  Plus: youtube, jokes/standup, instagram, pinterest, okcupid
           foreign affairs (through berkeley public library website)
lunch, dinner (veget, BB, tupperware)
meds, move tack to wall (to indicate olanzapine and risperidone, taken)
8 hour sleep (9:30p to 5:30a)

*Reading (not book/day, but that's still the ideal i hope to get to!)
Recent Reads:
1.The Buried Giant, by Kazuo Ishiguro (his latest)
2.Who Rules the World, by Noam Chomsky (2016)
3.Failed States (reading now), by Chomsky (2006)
on deck:
4.What Kind of Creatures Are We?, by N. Chomsky (2015)
5.The Box, by Marc Levinson
6.(gift for birthday: What the Dog Knows, by Cat Warren)

Sunday, September 11, 2016

ace theist


Ace theism. Hate-ism. His team. The very same. God is love, but God is also a man of war, and the art of war is deception. So, the reality is God is all about hate and vengeance, visited upon sinners. The prince of peace came to bring the sword.  The bloodthirsty need to find peace, satisfaction, release.  Religion becomes a justification for criminality.  A drug crime: It's the opiate of the masses.  There's crime, but there's also sin, breaking God's law. You can obey all laws, but you can't escape sin. Original sin, I would surmise, is breaking the buddhist injunction to escape samsara, that is, rebirth. Childbirth is suffering, and every baby is destined to suffer and die, in turn.  Lord is a word for life or death, light or darkness. “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord.” The lord God is a dark lord. An act of God is a natural disaster. Nature is Creation, but also Destruction. Corpses feed worms and flies, push up daisies, if not feed cannibals. The immortality of Christ, the continuance of Christianity, the life of the Church, is dependent on the sacrament of the Eucharist, the vampirism and cannibalism ordained by God, because we are what we eat (eu a christ), requiring the sacrifice that creates cum-union. The line between virtue and sin is blurred, for God. That's why it's called a mystery. God is incapable of doing evil. God is the Game of Death, and Go, Devil, and Guns or Drugs. There is no evil. Everyone deserves to die. God is everywhere, knows all, so He is the devil, too. God created the devil. Devil is 4-evil (antichrist=4). God is good, you say. But it's all good. Evil is good, too, you might say. It's an opportunity to make good. It'd be a boring world without problems for him to fix.  God is love, and love is good, even if it's loving the devil. Go out to love and serve the lord, the priests say.  Choose the light or darks side of the force.  Making love is making pleasure, making a baby, making God. Sex creates resentment, jealousy, anger, and even violence, by those without. Nothing puts lovers in the mood more than violence, threat, insecurity, and the consequent need to cling to one another and protect each other, us against the world. Good doesn't exist without Evil, just as shadow depends on light. Heaven only exists in contrast to hell. Pleasure is made in contrast to pain. They're two sides of the same coin. Jesus was all about right vs. left, good vs. evil, virtue vs. sin, love vs. hate, the full human experience, dying for All, of all persuasions. God is love, love believes all things, and all things include atheism, satanism, agnosticism, even antichrist. The angel of death, father time, the lord – all Death. God is love, which depends on death. There would be no love without death. We are all reproduction machines, programmed by our DNA to have sex before we die. Created by and for love. Death instigates love. We all want love, are dying for love. God is the creator, and destruction creates. Passion refers to both sex and the crucifixion. Guns and roses, love and rockets, yin and yang, black and white, male and female, sharpen the appetite, which produces life. We subsist on life. Dead plants make living animals. Vegetarian or carnivore, you're both killers. Sacrifices must be made to sustain life. Thou shalt not kill? Impossible. Everyone is a sinner, there is not One who does not sin, the wages of sin is death. Everyone dies. Even God. God is dead. God is undead. God is alive. God is all, ah. Aha! Without God, all things are permitted. Do what thou wilt. Don't get caught. The police are fishers of men. God is always and everywhere, in life and death, light and darkness, love and despair, theism and atheism.

He's tricky. So many names, definitions, spells, memes, concepts. Reality is all the God there ever is (if you're a pantheist). An object of worship (a thing? Like an idol?). Perfect and All-Loving (pal) (and yet the creator of hell?). Creator and Ruler (car) (yet permitting SMALBED- satan, mephistopheles, antichrist, lucifer, beelzebub, evil, devil). Permitting and allowing all to ow. Thought to control some part of Nature or Reality, having supernatural powers and attributes, believed in and worshipped by a people (but really just an ordinary man, as Godly as anyone else; superhuman: a super human!). The Supreme Being and poof (principal object of faith). Supreme, like a pizza. Omniscient (knowing all, in the biblical sense: we're all fuct).  God doesn't exist, because no commonly agreed meaning of God exists!  Only God is good?  Must everything be evil for an atheist?  Maybe God doesn't believe in Himself, is an atheist, has his lifetime moment of doubt.  What do You say, dear reader/god?

Please note that I, God, am not advocating, nor will I ever advocate, even if life is hell, drinking the grape koolaid, okay?  I don't like saying "allright", even if sometimes I reach the conclusion it's all good and I shouldn't be a hater.  Suicide is not the answer.  War and killing and torture is not the answer.  Capital Punishment is not the answer.  Abortion is not the answer.  Drugs are not the answer.  Everyone says love is the answer.  What was the question?:  What's "the way?"  Oh, the absence of suffering, and the presence of happiness.  I'm not sure love is really the answer, though, actually.  It seems to imply loving the devil, loving hell, loving everyone - a tall order.  For me, I think friends and humor and nature and music and books and service and money and equanimity and good food and exercise endorphins are a kind of composite answer.  But I hope to throw love into the mix, someday.  Do what you gotta do.  Making mistakes is part of life, the learning curve, the "way."  (That's the sense in which it's all right).  What floats your boat?   A sea of blood?  Or peace, love, and harmony.  Maybe a good aikido battle/draw!

get out, devil/demon/david
pain=pa in.  get out, dad

Saturday, September 10, 2016

My 9/3 birthday

I was born in '71.  I'm 45.

I share my birthday with:

Ferdinand Porsche
Whitey Bulger
Albert DeSalvo
Malcolm Gladwell
Charlie Sheen
Shaun White

those are the only ones I recognized.
Steve Jones, from the Sex Pistols/Iggy Pop, also. (s.j.!)


More Me

So, ya, I'm God. I like to think I am. I play the role. It takes over my mind, perfects my life, informs my writing, and gives my life meaning. Maybe it provides a service.  I want to be good, better, best. Maybe I will emerge, escape, from mental illness, and become well, in time. That's my hope. It happens! Symptom remission: no voices, chest pains, head shocks, teeth taps, feeling possessed and monitored and controlled.  No need for a constant dialog with the voice in my head. Self-possessed, sane, and recovered. And physically fit, strong, and healthy, from good nutrition and daily exercise. I have a gym membership, and a job that demands 2 hours of cardio, 5 days a week (at least). My blog keeps me grounded, keeps me connected to family as well as strangers, and can be a bit humorous, too (although I take it seriously, for the most part). I'm drinking beer, taking less medication, and eating protein powder, oatmeal, fruit, and a mostly vegetarian diet, along with my morning omega 3 fish oil capsules and vitamin c. I'm also looking for work that I enjoy, that maybe could be a passion that pays the bills. Kaiser membership, meds, and my monthly disability check from Social Security (that pays most my rent) would need to be payed for, if and when I become sane. I'm not sure what all that is worth and would require. I believe I have the talent and potential to surpass it, and live comfortably, with added quality of life that includes travel, if not house/wife/kids/car.   I mean, I'm God, lol.   But I'm happy where I am, and not all that motivated, though, to be honest. I like my freedom. But maybe I could be both richer AND happier, in addition to SANE. What should I do?

Possible employment includes professional cuddler, reading and recording audiobooks, coordinating prison reading (tablets, audiobooks, education, job training, and peaceful self-defense, for example), and going back to being a hotel bellhop. I would still like to walk dogs, on the side, I think. I also would like to be an author. I mostly just write about myself and my madness, on my blog. If I could read my literature lists and get paid for it, that would be ideal. There are movie and book and restaurant critics who get to indulge their passions, people like Rick Steves who get paid to travel, and of course The President who gets paid to be the most powerful person on earth! There's lottery winners, and people with inheritance, and people like Bill Gates and the Waltons with ungodly amounts of money, for whom money will never be a problem, having amassed a hoard in the past that is sufficient for their entire futures. I love music. I love books. I love nature. I love writing. I was an International Relations major in college, I speak Spanish, and long to get back to swimming, yoga, and aikido. I like dating, too. I have a sense of humor. I will always have food and shelter, I believe/hope. So what should I do? I have too much to do, even without getting paid! Well, sanity would be a great gift from the gods. I would be glad to repay society for freedom from mental illness, if I remain in comfort and am doing something I enjoy. I would like to lead nature hikes. I like kids. I would like to be an exercise partner. I would love to read lots and lots of children's literature. I would love to be a successful vegetarian bodybuilder. I want to master Spanish. I want to fall in love, or is love overrated. At least I love myself.  Maybe I don't know what true love is.  Sad thing, for a God.

Maybe madness IS sane. The world is mad, and I have comfort, reading and writing and exercising, that keeps me busy and happy, already, now. Ugh. I'm a bit of a loner, and keep good company with myself. I have a routine, a ritual, and a sense of purpose and meaning, which actually incorporates the voice, although irritating, as a possible aid to society, if I deal with it intelligently and with maturity. I don't want to be a devil's pawn, however, and would just as soon be done with the madness. 

I've settled into a solitary routine, except of course with the dogs I walk and the occasional playing with my nephew Benjamin, or Augustus, that I enjoy. Kaiser offers free lunch twice a week, and I get some satisfaction participating in the “wellness club,” although I mostly end up thinking others are stupid, messed up, and boring (including the staff, and not just the participants). We can't all be perfect, lol. I hate David. My family can be annoying.  Christians are mostly deluded. Politics is getting fucking retarded. I shouldn't have to drink alcohol or take medication. I am a good person, and shouldn't have to deal with the sheer quantity of shit that gets shoveled on me. F- you, world. Leave me alone, you f-ing 'tards.  Gr.  (I know that isn't politically correct.  I don't care.  I can be retarded, too.) Or is being alone the problem?

Some Stuff

A Bit 'Bout Me

Hi, I'm Jesse. Jesse Teshara. One of them. Google says there's another. Specifically, I'm the Jesse Lawrence Teshara. But I am not my name. I am my body. My body's name is JLT. A rose is a rose by any other name. I have an aunt Rose. She's a nun. Aunty-Christ. My God-father was Dick (Richard). Glad to meet you. I am God. I am. Je suis. You can call me Jess. Jesse means “God makes forget” and “The Whole Office of the Eucharist.” My name in Spanish is Isai, Jesus, and Chuy. That's pronounced Eesa-e, Hey Zeus, and Chewy. The eucharistic wafer IS chewy. Eucharist can be rearranged to Eu a christ. You are what you eat (less what you excrete). Maybe you shit the devil (the devil IS a piece of shit!). Jesus sums to 2, in numerology: 10, 5, 19, 21, 19. That's 1,5,1,3,1. You sum the sums, so 11 becomes 2. The Whole Office=T.W.O. Christ is 5, like E. Every word sums to a number from 1 to 9, which gives some added meaning to Summer. Isai? I, Isa. Isa is Jesus in Arabic. Jesse is an anagram for see s.j. (society of jesus, the jesuits). Teshara can be 'as earth'. So I'm “Jesus as earth.” I'm a part of the christian conspiracy! Jay Zee and jazzy and jizzy for example. Jose and Josie and Jest works, too. JLT stands for jolt, jilt, jailtime. JT is similar to the pi symbol. J is the tenth letter. Satan is say, ten. WWJD? Jesse would write! A nightly rite of right writing. The letter J unifies Satan with Jesus. L is the twelfth letter, like the disciples/apostles/tribes. Or the knight, in chess. Lawrence is my dad's name. He goes by Mr. T.  Hilarity.  Larry has a brother, who is my Uncle Tom. No kidding! I'm a Big Brother, too. Greg is GLT, like the volvo. I was born on 9-3, like the saab. My mom is Peggy T, like Egypt, or PG&E, or the PT Cruiser. T is like a cross. Teshara is pronounced T'share uh. The Holy See is in fact a Jesuit. I grew up in San Francisco. I went to St. Ignatius (college preparatory). SI was the founder of the Jesuit order. So that's the connection with pope Francis, and see S.J. 

Jesse Lawrence Teshara is an anagram for 'ace wrathless sane jeer'. The world is mad, and I'm an ace at wrathlessly jeering it. You may have forgotten that I am God. That's okay, because you are, too. You ate the host, and so now you're Christ. Christ just means annointed with oil. You can also make yourself Christ with some olive oil, any time you like. And have a hostess cupcake for dessert. If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why are they made of meat? Meet your mate, team. Jesse, Jess-see, JC. Isai, two i's to C with (Chuy). My mom goes to Mass nearly every day. Ma, Te. Mom, Jesus Christ! She bakes a lot of chicken. (Chickens illustrate heaven – ave hen!) The heavenly afterlife is in on the tastebuds and stomachs of us diners who enjoyed consuming their flesh. El pollo loco! (crazy good chicken!) ATE is, in fact, 8. God is 8. H is the eighth letter. Allah, all a H. Reality is all the God there ever is. I'm trying to be more vegetarian. Did you know they call Harris Ranch “cowshwitz”? I'll get my angel's wings when my flesh is consumed by flies, after I die. And I'll be eaten by worms, too, no doubt. We're all white, in our bones! We're all God because we are the principal architects of our own happiness, we're love (god -the love of our parents, the creators- made us), we believe all things (including atheism), god is everywhere so there is no one and nothing that is not God, god is all powerful and the most powerful act is murder and god is a man of war and there is a time to kill and vengeance is mine sayeth the lord (life or death) and the wages of sin is death and there is no one who does not sin, and we're all killers in our hearts (anagram of haters), which need blood to survive. Vampire, by the way, is I.m.a. Perv. Christians drink the blood of Christ. Blood fetish is in fact perverted, I'd say. Love is a heart, in the same way that Allah is all. There is no God but God, the recitation says. God is a man of war, and the art of war is deception. Theology is the study of THE (tee-hee!). Perhaps the prince of peace came to bring the sword. The U.S. Presidential election is almost upon us, so don't let the left hand know what the right is doing. The righteous right and the loco left. The loving left and the really rong right. Chuy is Chewbacca from Star Wars, and Riddle is Voldemort (lord move T) in the Harry Potter books, and Tennessee is very J-esse, and my left ankle doesn't bend, which is sinister and sinful and leftious. I'm adopted, and therefore pro-life, and Annette V Riddle is my birthmother. She's diagnosed as schizophrenic, too. Sarah Salazar was my sister. Gnosis.

Hello. Hell low. Hi. High. You're probably aware of this subliminal content behind the familiar greetings, no? The words have the same denotation, but different connotations. Hello is more cold, while hi is warmer, more familiar -which is weird, because hell is supposed to be a place of fire, while high elevations are colder, sometimes snowy (despite being closer to the sun). Saying hello isn't hellish, and saying hi doesn't necessarily evoke an emotional surge of what I like to call “oogies” of joy (although they could). They are dry, formal, preliminary, perfunctory, and prompt no further reflection. 

      But conceptually, intellectually, rationally, our greeting-words inject a layer of religious meaning into everyday language. Even “Yo!” evokes the up and down of a yo-yo, which could further permute into higher and lower moods, if not the actual descent into hell or ascent into heaven. Happiness IS heaven, misery a form of hell. Bank accounts swell or dwindle, causing elation or depression. The center of the earth IS hot, they say. The darkness below, where most of us will go. As a child, you look up to others. But not when you're dead, even if you're underground. You won't even see black. If you're superior, you look down on people, as if from heaven above, your head in the clouds, high and happy, light and airy, as if on H. Big, important you. You were favored by God, you were better than those little people, those muppets, those hobbits. Flying high in the sky, like a bird, an angel, superman, a dreamer. A pilot, a passenger. On cloud 9, on your spaceship, on the moon, on another planet, in another universe. God: Genius or dumb, giddy or dejected/grim or delighted, great or diminutive, good or depraved, glorious or debased, guns or drugs, god or devil, going or dead.

      Goodbye in spanish is 'adios' (to god), which does the same thing, except at the end of interaction (as if the end of talking were the end of our lives). Even the word 'good' is one letter from 'god.' God with an O is good. Apparently, god with an orgasm, or, alternatively, god plus offense, makes God good, the words seem to be telling us. God is good, the “good book” says, so removing an O from goodness (whatever that means: oh, no more owe! Pay thy debts*) is also godly. “A Dios” is 'to God' for both the speaker and the one spoken to (although it could be intended for only one). To good things, or to better things. Or to others, who are equally Godly. If God is good (the bible says “only” God is good!), then going to Him (or Her) is good news, although it could be seen to imply you weren't with him already, even if God is everywhere, as some theologians say. God is also the source of all goodness, I've heard said. So get going, finish your conversation, and be on your merry way, as brevity is virtuous! Why? To God! Because the source of all goodness is your destination! Better to get where you're going, than tarry in your sinful situation and steps. Death is the ultimate destination, the last stop, on this train ride from human interaction to interaction, from one to another, and so on, for up to 122 years, if you get really lucky. Re-uniting with Brahman awaits. To dust you shall return.

     Does all this reflection recommend one particular greeting over another? Maybe I should stick with just hello: 'high' reminds me of high school, or drugs, or elevation and ascent, which have little to do with happiness or heaven. School can be a pain. Drughs can be hellish. Trudging up mountains might not be worth the view. But the heavens are up. More than one heaven. As bugs bunny said, what's up doc? Well, the opposite direction from gravity. Down is up, if you keep going! If you're going through hell, keep going, to quote a friend from facebook. It's a long, hard road, out of hell, sings the Spawn soundtrack. Sex has its ups and downs. I don't believe in any afterlife, heavenly, hellish, or otherwise. I don't think you should, either. Once you're dead, that's it: kaput. It's the universal fate for all life that ever lived (and, I believe, that ever will). Reincarnation is also a ridiculous, outdated concept. What in tarnation is reincarnation? Carnations are flowers. America is a car nation. But reincarnation is just gibberish. You are your body, and only your body. Souls don't exist. The soles on your feet do, as do the fish, but there is no ghost inhabiting your body that will live on after you. Avatar is only a movie. You will give up the ghost with your last breath, and maybe the butterfly effect will make it into a hurricane. An act of God might be pleasant to hope for, if you want your life to have made a difference. Addition, subtraction. Dead hurricane victims. Living progeny. You'll be dead forever, but you could still live on through art, writings, children, legacy. 

      Maybe you find this truth refreshing, and reading the counterpoint to erroneous religious dogma makes you happy. Or, on the other hand, you find being reminded of mortality sad and depressing, and you don't want to think about it: You'd rather live forever. Or, both, simultaneously; the hellish depression and the heavenly high cancel each other out. So hello and hi are just simple greetings, with no other meaning in them. Meaning itself is a weird word: it seems to say the average human is cruel, the mean is mean, and that words themselves could be sinister in themselves. Hopefully we all have kind words for each other. Hola, Adios. Ha! Word to your mother, dawg. Ward, were d, warred; made of letters (every word made of little blood-letting vampires? 26 english vampires!); spelling (casting spells!).

     I was diagnosed as bipolar once; So, this hi and lo business is a fitting opening. Bipolar disorder was once called manic depression. You may have heard the Jimi Hendrix song about it. I am not my disease. I am not even my name. My name is Jesse. No I. Jesse, like Jackson, James, Owens, Helms, Ventura. You can call me Jess. I am a man. Not Jessica, or Jessie. You could say I am my name, but actually, I am my body. My body is called Jesse. I can change my name, just as I can change my body. One has no relation to the other. Well, I know that's not strictly true. People with A's in their names are better students, I read somewhere, for example. But I'm not sure names SHOULD affect bodies. Don't take the name of the lord your God in vain. Jesse? I didn't take it, I was given it! I won't take H in my veins, I think, though.

God money-
Adios, to god: to One (2,1=3, trinity, holy trinity of holes, map, mouth anus vagina)
God is one, an anagram of money is 'my one': so money is 'my god'
Goodbye=good buy
omg=oh my god, O my god (offense, orgasm, oliver)
or owe my god, or God is good without an owe.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016


stop sign thoughts

stop +5: pots tops post spot opts

from wikipedia:
stop! in the name of love, by The Supremes
surgical termination of pregnancy
strategic operations

wikipedia link

being bad
mean, ignorant, rude
(fat, stupid, ugly, sick, unhappy, selfish, boring)
       (but this is/saying so is- mean, ignorant, and rude!)

wicked, evil, depraved, cruel, brutal, ruthless
immoral, unethical, illegal, criminal, unlawful
sinful, if you believe there's a god's law.

everyone is born ignorant
you can't help being stupid (relatively stupider)
                        or sick/unhappy, sometimes
mean is only human (they even say karma is a law of the universe)
fat-shaming is uncool
rude, boring, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder
there's even "cruel to be kind"
words have mean-ings (ha)

from the secret:
even saying stop being bad is seen as bad (!) - be positive! BE GOOD :-)
is ruthful a word?
some say "it's all good!" (is it, really?)

compassionate or sorrowful. 
causing or apt to cause sorrow or pity. 
feeling remorse or self-reproach.

T + ruthful =truthful (insight into Jesus on the cross?)

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Recent Reads

7 books

The Magicians
The Magician King
The Magician's Land, by Lev Grossman
Sapiens, by Yuval Noah Harari
Guns, Germs, and Steel.  by Jared Diamond
Who Rules the World, by Noam Chomsky
The First Bad Man, by Miranda July (finished today)
(recommended by Sara)

starting (soon): Leviathan Wakes, by James S.A. Corey
(recommended by Pierre)

A Guide for the Perplexed, by Dara Horn (gift from Julie)

My List of a thousand reasons to kill

kill the reasons! (nullify their force/effect)

1. it's fun. thrill kill. excitement (530)
2. you're mad. mad as in angry. anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury. grrr. (45, 855)
3. you're mad. mad as in insane. crazy, nuts, loco, mentally ill, psychotic, schizo.  for relief, to silence the voice(s).  mad: make a difference (subtract).
4. you're in love.  true love.  all's fair in love and war.
5. you're an artist. murder is an art.  red is your favorite color.
6. you get aroused by it.  it's an erotic fantasy..
7. you hate the person.  malice.  they are vile. you abominate, abhor, execrate, loathe, and despise them.
8. you hate the class to which the person belongs.
9. you hate everybody
10. you hate yourself.  self-loathing directed outward.
11. you're bored. something to do.
12. they want you to. they're suicidal. they want to die.  they're  begging you for it.
13. entertainment value, society eats it up.
14. you can't help it.  it's what you do. (140)
15. it's in your nature.
16. someone asked you to, a favor.
17. money.  you get paid for it.  hired gun.  hitman. assassin. soldier of fortune / mercenary.  to make a killing.
18. money. theft. cash. items of value, jewelery, clothes, property, drugs.
19. money. insurance, will.
20. you're possessed.
21. getting even. revenge. vengeance.  they hurt you or hurt or killed someone you love.
22. sending a message.
23. religious sacrifice.  sacrificial offering.
24. they deserve it. they have it coming. karma. retribution. (135, 173)
25. you're a vampire.
26. you're a cannibal.
27. you're hungry, and people taste good.  hunger.  carnivorous appetite.  a plentiful source of meat.  a bountiful source of nutrition.
28. you need to.  power. control. domination.
29. it's necessary.  it must be done.  it needs to be done.
30. you're curious what it feels like.
31. you're curious to see if you can do it.
32. you have something to prove to yourself.
33. you have something to prove to somebody else.
34. you have something to prove to everybody.
35. you feel like it.
36. you're god.  you're God.
37. you're the angel of death.
38. you're satan.
39. you're yourself.
40. you're not yourself.
41. you're nobody.  you're nothing.  you're no one.  you're a zero. you're a loser.
42. you're jesus.
43. you believe in something. they don't.
44. you don't believe in anything.  they do.
45. you're pissed off.
46. you only feel alive when you kill.
47. kill or be killed.
48. self-defense
49. pre-emptive self-defense.
50. accidents happen.  drive you crazy.
51. in pursuit of perfection, the perfect murder (see 5)
52. sociobiology. evolutionary theory. reproductive success. pass on your genes.
53. eugenics, darwinism, social darwinism, the future, the gene pool.
54. they're the natural selection.  eliminating the weakest link. taking out the trash.
55. you are the weakest link.
56. you hate bugs.
57. you hate viruses.
58. you hate shit.
59. you hate irritants.
60. they're in your head.
61. you're in their head.
62. the vibes demand you do it.
63. nike says to.
64. gatorade says to.
65. nissan says to.
66.  EVERY commercial says to.
67. anthony robbins says to.
68. you want to go to jail.
69. you want to go to prison.
70. you want to die.
71. you want to live.
72. you want a suicide-by-cop.
73. you want to take out as many people as you can.  serial killer. mass murderer.
74. everybody wants to kill you.
75. the game.  you want to win.  be a winner.
76. you want to beat the man, the police, the fbi, the feds, the detectives, the cops.
77. you want to frame somebody.
78. you're a participant in a conspiracy.  a patsy. a mastermind. whatever.
79. they looked at you funny.  they looked at you wrong.
80. they smell.
81. they're ugly.
82. they're fat.
83. they're stupid. an idiot. a dolt.
84. they're rude.
85. they're unkind, cruel.
86. they're lazy.
87. they're criminal. (see god's law, sinners)
88. you're the law
89. they broke the law
90. god told you to.
91. the devil told you to (you're the devil, devil's pawn)
92. the voices told you to (schizo)
93. sadism
94. the sexual hit.  you want to fuck someone to death.
95. they're poor.
96. they're rich.
97. aggravation.  you know i don't like that and you do it anyway.
98. irritation, stop bothering me, go away.
99. pressure, stress, anxiety, too much to do, i can't do it all, unreasonable expectations.
100. depression.  i feel like shit and someone must pay.
101. they judged you.
102. they labeled you.
103. they yell at you.
104. they want to do bad things to you.
105. they hurt you.  they hurt your feelings.  they insulted you.
106. they touched you inappropriately.
107. they raped you.
108. they look down on you.
109. they want you to be their partner.  it's pathetic.  an unwelcome suitor, unwanted advances.
110. they're gay and you're hetero.
111. they're hetero and you're gay.
112. they breed, and you believe in no children.
113. they fuck, and you believe in abstinence.
114. you're not gettin' any, frustrated.
115. you're hypnotized.
116. you're a zombie.
117. you're a witch.
118. you're a warlock.
119. you're a wizard.
120. you're a werewolf, and the moon is full.  moon craziness. lunacy.
121. you're a soldier (see at war)
122. you're an executioner.
123. you're dr. death.
124. you believe in euthanasia, mercy-killing.
125. you believe in assisted suicide.
126. there are too many people on the planet.  overpopulation.  strain on resources.  only stupid people are breeding.
127. too much traffic.
128. somebody cut you off in traffic.
129. they drive too fast.
130. they drive too slow.
131. somebody flipped you the bird.
132. their dog is barking, won't shut up, keeping you up.
133. their dog shit on your lawn.
134. their dog barks at you, scares you, surprises you, bothers you.
135. they don't deserve to live.
136. they're a child molestor
137. they molested you
138. they're a murderer
139. they might murder you.
140. you're a murder, killer, killa, killah
141. they traumatized to you
142. they kicked you out
143. they stunted your potential.  stifled creativity.
144. street credibility, respect.
145. climbing the ladder.  gang, mafia, whatever.  ambition.
146. you're an assassin.
147. you're a ninja.
148. you like shooting guns.  it makes you feel powerful.  soothing.
149. you're anti-gun control.  everyone should have one.  they want to take away your god given right to bear arms.
150. you're pro gun control.  hate guns, the nra, and the gun lobby.
151. you disagree.  conversations kill. something they said.  fighting words. slander. tactlessness.
152. for your freedom.  against tyranny.
153. for your children, your family.
154. for your country.
155. the president told you to.
156. they're an arsonist.
157. you're an arsonist.
158. fire is beautiful.
159. they burned something of yours.
160. they burned you.
161. they kept you waiting.
162. they made you wait.
163. they underestimated you.
164. they'll never see it coming.
165. you're overworked.
166. you're underpayed.
167. they won't apologize.
168. they're a rapist.
169. you're a rapist (152)
170. they're a pervert.
171. they're a sinner.  sinful, wicked, evil, depraved.
172. they're an abomination.
173. you're a sinner, commit sin, iniquity, transgression.
174. justice, capital punishment, their sentence, street justice, vigilanteism.
175. they're a thief
176. they stole something of yours.
178. they're a hater.
179. hostility.
180. body language
181. tone of voice
182. facial expression.  rolling their eyes.
183. wake people up from their hypnotized, false consciousness, resignation, apathy.
184. mobilize people to action
185. the cause.  sacrifices must be made.
186. your way of coping.
187.  it gets your creative juices flowing.
188. you're drumming up business for the deathcare industry.
189. it builds self-confidence.
190. you like to negotiate from a position of strength.
191. you want their job, creating an opening.
192. you're an abnormal deviant, a freak, a mutant.
193. you have no conscience.
194. you're morally different, ethically disoriented.
195. you're misogynist, you hate women.
196. you hate men
197. it's not real, life is but a dream.
198. disgust.
199. they make you sick.
200. they eat like a pig.
201. you're enlightened.
202. they're holier-than-thou.
203. everyone expects you to, because i am whatever you say i am.
204. for it's scientific value, as part of an experiment, using the scientific method.
205. because you're an evil genius.
206. because you're brilliant, with an IQ of...
207. therapy
208. they invaded your space.
209. they're on your property.
210. they broke into your home.
211. protecting your family.
212. you have a fixation on killing.  it's an obsession.
213. defaced property. graffiti.
214. friendship.
215. he cut your hair poorly.
216. he gave you bad advice.
217. he cause you to lose money.
218. you're a pure psychopath, a monster.
219. you're mental
220. you're having your period.
221. you're grumpy.
222. you forget, amnesia.
223. you want to see your handiwork in the papers.
224. you want to terrorize a community, cause a panic.
225. they're imperfect, you're a perfectionist, they cultivate and flaunt their flaws, they are flawed, you are perfect, nobody's perfect, nobody's innocent, everybody deserves it, has it coming.
226. they're a hopeless case.  incurably fucked up.  best option.
227. they're a slut.
228. they degrade themselves.
229. they degrade women into sex objects.
230. they have an eating disorder, bulimic, anorexic.  people are starving. get real.
231. cigarette advertising, the tobacco industry.
232. carrots, incentives, rewards, pleasure.
233. sticks, disincentives, punishments, pain.
234. inferiority complex.  you're inferior.
235. superiority complex. you're superior.
236. they act superior.
237. making a move.
238. making your move.
239. you're a pawn.
240. you're a knight
241. you're a bishop
242. you're a queen
243. you're a king
244. you're a player.
245. you've been played.
246. you're black, black power, they're the white devil.
247. you're white, white power, they're black.
248. you're a slave
249. you're a master
250. you're a replicant.
251. you're a blade runner
252. you hate god
253. resentment
254. you hate life, living, being alive
255. you have no soul.
256. you're a victim
257. you're a jedi
258. all hell breaks loose.  the gates of hell have been opened. an assault on heaven.
259. they won't help.
260. a sacrifice for a cause.
261. you watch too much tv. programming (116)
262. you've seen too many movies.  hollywood.
263. it's in your genes.  you're a natural born killer.
264. because you can.
265. you're an anarchist.  helter skelter. down with authority. down with government.
266. because you can't.
267. morbid interest, fascination.
268. you're a satanist.  you love the devil.
269. they're a satanist.  you hate the devil.
270. you like to fight.
271. you like blood.
272. you like to stab.
273. you like combat.
274. you're aggressive.
275. you're a martial artist.
276. you hate your mother, they remind you of.
277. you hate your mother, matricide.
278. you hate your father, they remind you of.
279. you hate your father, patricide.
280. you hate your family, they remind you of.
281. you hate your family.  familial homicide.
282. you're an officer of the law, who likes a secret hobby.
283. you like the secret in your closet, if not an actual skeleton, and having a double life, with the drama, the irony, the skill required to lie and coverup.
284. you have a license to kill.
285. you're authorized to use deadly force.
286. you're a cop
287. you're a spy.
288. they're a spy.
289. you should do everything once.
290. they're a rival for your girl, your guy.
291. they're a rival in business. business is a war.
292. it's good for the economy.
293. it's healthy, an outlet for your aggression.
294. they want to die, they smoke.
295. they want to die, they drink, they're alcoholic.
296. they're suicidal, and need your help.
297. they do drugs, want to escape from reality
298. you do drugs, and they disapprove.
299. you're suicidal, and they won't help
300. you're drunk, you're high, you're drunk and high
301. you have no choice, gun to your head, gladiator, self-defense, kill or be killed.
302. you have multiple personalities.
303. you ate too many twinkies.
304. they talk too much, they won't shut up, they won't listen, they don't listen
305. they don't talk enough, they creep you out.
306. emotional enforcement, wipe that smile off your face, cheer up (764)
307. too happy, too sad. perpetually, annoyingly cheery or morose, glum, gloomy.
308. it's cost-effective
309. they're sick, terminally ill. (124,613)
310. they're bad blood
311. they pollute the gene pool
312. they have too many kids
313. squashing a bug.
314. they just take, take, take.  they never give back.
315. you're the slayer (261,262, 826)
316. they're opposed to everything you stand for.  (623,936)
317. they won't do what you tell them to, what you want.
318. you have a foolproof plan.  it's fiendishly, diabolically clever. muahahah.
319. they're not you
320. they're vulnurable.  you take what you can get.
321. it's risky.  you're a gambler.
322. they're rooting for another sports team.
323. they're a foreigner.
324. they're different from you.
325. they're the same as you.
326. they're a wannabe
327. they speak another language.
328. they're a different race.
329. they fit your victim profile.
330. they're different from your last kill.
331. someone more powerful than you says you should, must.
332. i say you should.  obey.
333. you should.
334. they're a danger to themselves or others, they're threatening, a threat.
335. they threatened you.
336. they're disabled, you're disabled, both.
337. they're mentally ill. you're mentally ill. both.
338. they're retarded. you're retarded. both.
339. because they're old.  you're old.  both.
340. they're stupid.  you're stupid. both.
341. they're immature.  you're immature. both.
342. spiritual, physical healing.
343. magic
344. you're a god.
345. reputation.  you'd look bad if you didn't.
346. discipline, keep em in line, a warning.
347. because it's a condition of membership.
348. because everyone else does.
349. because they disapprove of you.
350. because they disrespect you.
351. because they tell you what to do, boss you around.
352. development, it's all you can do, personal growth, devil op ment, your bit for the less developed countries, the poor and disadvantaged.
353. music.
354. world war III
355. curiosity killed, poking around where they shouldn't
356. you've never done it before
357. because you're blue
358. post-partum depression
359. because you're a punk.  mischief.
360. because they're a punk.
361. you're a drug kingpin.  a member of the illegal drug trade.
362. drug war.  you hate drug dealers, drugs, the drug industry.
363. drug-legalization.  legalize it.  champ.  coke heroin acid meth pot.
364. because pharmaceutical companies have a vested interest in maximum social mental unhealth.
365. because capitalism sucks.
366. because socialism sucks.
367. because human nature sucks, the world is shit.
368. because everyone is full of shit.
369. life is unfair.
370. you gotta do what you gotta do.
371. they're another religion from you, infidels.
372. holy war
373. they're your enemy.
374. because life is hell.
375. because you're in hell
376. because you're on
377. because you're off
378. because you're hot
379. because you're cold
380. you're the one.  you're it.
381. telemarketers
382. people that talk loud in the library.
383. people that do nothing but complain, bitch, moan, whine.
384. scientology
385. superstition, ghosts and spirits,  ghouls and goblins, things that go bump in the night
386. your team lost, you're a sore loser.
387. celebration. your team won.
388. it's your purpose, why you were put on this earth, your calling.
389. it's what you're good at.
390. it's what you love (583)
391. religious evangelists, televangelists, deluded cheery intrusive people
392. parents, teachers, and other "authority" figures who wrongly discipline you.
393. because you're selfish, self-interest
394. politicians
395. in the heat of battle.  with the icy cold stare of death.
396. white trash, trash of any color.
397. whores
398. priests and nuns, the pope, dogma.
399. sheeple.
400. they made you repeat yourself.
401. they don't listen
402. people talk down to you.
403. annoying repetition, of commercials, music, rhetoric
404. they waste your time.
405. waiting
406. because they're/you're a lousy excuse for a human being.
407. you're/they're a bad parent
408. you/they hate their kids
409. you're life isn't worth living anymore, suicide.  you're racked by guilt, tormented by demons, in pain, shamed, you give up, avoiding future unpleasantness.
410. you're  hardcore.
411. in defense of your honor.
412. because you're a man.
413. you're an animal, a beast, the beast.
414. you're not human, you're a machine, you're superhuman.
415. you're a dragon, a tiger, a creature from the chinese zodiac.
416. they're an animal.
417. you're a monkey. they're a monkey.
418. you're a dog. they're a dog.
419. you're/they're an insect, like Gregor Samsa.
420. columbine, hitler's birthday, pot.
421. you've been good all your life.
422. you hate cops.  cops hate you. they're a cop. you're a cop killah.
423. they have nothing in common with you.
424. you're poor.
425. you're rich
426. you got shot (self-defense, they hurt you)
427. because reality is virtual, and you are real.
428. they're male, and you're female.
429. they're female, and you're male.
430. because you are qualified and justified to use legal force
431. whiplash.  car accidents.
432. you run a cult.  you hate your flock.  kool-aid time.
433. you're a member of a cult.
434. a better life awaits you/them on the other side.
435. you're a nazi
436. you're right, they're wrong, won't admit it.
437. you're a klansman
438. you hate jews, antisemitism
439. because it's sexy, women dig it.
440. you're a bad girl, a naughty girl. you want to be punished, disciplined, spanked.
441. because you're free.
442. you're racist. race war.
443. they're racist.
444. the survival of the human race.
445. the destruction of humanity.
446. the bible says you should.
447. there is a time for every purpose under heaven, good times, bad times.
448. because you've spent so much time thinking about it.
449. because a land flowing with milk and honey would be very sticky, and start to smell after awhile.
450. you've been lied to. they lied to you.
451. you've been suckered.  they suckered you.
452. they suck
453. you suck
454. the weather
455. it's hot
456. it's cold
457. it's raining
458. you're stuck, you have no future, there's no way out
459. prison provides food and shelter
460. you hate vegetarians
461. you hate carnivores
462. you're in pain
463. a liability
464. covering loose ends
465. silencing a witness
466. they ratted on you.  an informant.
467. they give you hell, shit, disease, whatever.
468. sex
469. the best sex you've ever had
470. you didn't make the cut
471. you got fired
472. you lost
473. you fucked up
474. you weren't accepted
475. you got dumped, jilted, rejected, overlooked.
476. your love of your life left you
477. your husband/wife cheated on you, unfaithful
478. you're in an abusive relationship
479. unwelcome advice, comfort, or commentary
480. blame.  you're held responsible, unjustly.
481. you're an addict, they're an addict, both
482. you're in debt, they're in debt, both
483. they owe you money
484. they look up to you
485. they're watching.  you're in the public eye.
486. no privacy
487. they're/you're failing school.
488. you're/they're failing life.
489. you're an antisocial, psychotic, psychopathic, sociopathic personality.
490. soldier-of-fortune, mercenary
491. it sells records
492. everyone else is doing it.
493. the social benefit.  the greater good.  it's what's best for all, for all concerned.
494. it's alright, allright, all right.
495. it's all good.
496. cerebral torment.
497. your brain
498. your heart
499. mind control
500. you practice what you preach.  you're not a hypocrite.
501. you lead by example.
502. politics.
503. civil disobedience
504. hunger strike. 3 hunger strikes and you're out.
505. protest, set yourself on fire
506. you're pro-life, you're pro-death, you're pro-choice
507. you're republican, democrat
508. you're liberal, conservative
509. sexual ambiguity
510. gender roles
511. it brings out the best in you.
512. you're justified, you have your reasons.
513. it's a challenge
514. you want to study anatomy.
515. you want a skeleton, or a skull.
516. you're spawn, leader of hell's army, or some other comic book character.  you're the violator, you violate and desecrate, you're a fat evil clown.
517. because you're at war
518. you're a soldier of the lord
519. you're a devil's pawn
520. you're unhappy
521. you're unhappy with the status quo
522. it will end their suffering (226)
523. you're weak, suggestible, afraid, insecure (116, 139)
524. you're envious
525. you're a predator
526. the thrill of the chase, the hunt.  you're a hunter.  patient, calculating, precise.  the most dangerous game.
527. impulse
528. you're a copycat.
529. you've devised something original.
530. you know what your problem is? you need to get more fun out of life.
531. the best thing for him really, his therapy was going nowhere.
532. the cops want you to.  they hate you, the victim.  a source of income.
533. because x dollars are spent on defense.
534. the best defense is a good offense.
535. life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
536. two words: Bill Gates
537. two words: the homeless
538. people who talk to themselves.
539. staggering inequality.  billionaires vs. third/fourth/fifth-world poverty.
540. the global political economy, multinational corporations, an unfair playing field.
541. the centralization of economic and political power.
542. inflation (292)
543. taxes
544. car salesmen
545. car commercials
546. gas prices
547. drunk drivers
548. risky, dangerous, reckless driving
549. they blew through a stoplight.
550. you can't race on city streets
551. you're a gambler, a risk-taker, live on the edge
552. they gave you aids
553. they gave you vd
554. they coughed on you.
555. you've been killed (991)
556. you're undead (zombie, vampire, alive)
557. you can't help yourself, you can't stop yourself
558. going home for the holidays
559. church
560. urban blight
561. anguish, despair
562. hopelessness, bleak future prospects.
563. lack of faith, disbelief, unbelief
564. they don't believe what you believe
565. pyramid schemes
566. amway
567. jobs that make you stand around (security guard, parking lot attendants)
568. bullying. intimidation.
569. intolerance
570. shattered dreams
571. a dream deferred
572. nightmares
573. no job
574. no girlfriend, no kids
575. no friends
576. stalkers
577. they're irrational, unreasonable
578. zero tolerance policy
579. curiosity about the afterlife
580. junk mail
581. repetition, routine, ritual.  same thing, day in, day out.  variety, spice (11)
582. to intimidate someone, to "break" someone
583. you love it!!
584. military training and preparation and background and skills put to good use.
585. drill instructor abuse
586. you're in a rut
587. for a new you
588. you're an arch-nemesis supervillain
589. consumer confidence
590. you ARE the economy.
591. tech stocks, your stocks, the stock market
592. practice.  bigger game ahead.
593. the irony factor.  you're a sweet guy.
594. everyone thinks you're a sweet guy.
595. you have a death wish.  thanatos.
596. freedom (441, 152, 248)
597. truth, justice, and the american way
598. anomie, ennui, malaise, schadenfreude, liebensraum
599. resignation
600. vanity, all is vanity.
601. frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense.
602. the value of sand dollars
603. kill em all, let god sort em out
604. situational ethics.
605. police workload.
606. as a distraction, a diversion.
607. hypocrisy.
608. superficiality, the fake, the false, the unreal, the untrue.
609. international relations
610. war
611. the bomb
612. we're all doomed
613. we're all gonna die someday, nobody gets out of life alive, better sooner than later.
614. a symbolic statement
615. bloodlust
616. bloodthirst
617. world peace.  peace corps, war corps.
618. world hunger
619. want to, need to, have to.  desire, necessity, obligation.
620. feed the maggots.
621. incompatibility
622. cross-purposes
623. if there's a pope and antipope, christ and antichrist, why not a you and antiyou.
624. they're your enemy
625. purify the collective unconscious
626. they don't like you
627. you don't like them
628. they won't dance with you.
629. they won't put out
630. they're pushy, intrusive, rude, objectionable.
631. they're a bore.
632. they're insufferable
633. they flake, forget, unreliable, untrustworthy, unresponsible.
634. they talk about you behind your back.
635. gossipy
636. you're a bastard, they're a bastard.
637. no willpower, motivation, discipline.
638. no curiosity, interest, desire to learn.
639. the greater good
640. to demonstrate your power.
641. they pollute the environment, save the planet, protect mother earth, ecology, interdependence, extinction, rainforest, clearcutting, biodiversity, old-growth redwoods, wetlands.
642. granola, tofu, veggie burgers
643. carrots and volvos
644. empowerment.  stand up and take action.
645. it's a hoot, a gas, a laugh and a half.
646.  linguistics.  red rum and ill k.
647. you listened to a judas priest album backwards.
648. because you're all alone and no one can hear you.
649. you're deceptive, dangerous, deadly.
650. mixers, gatherings, get-togethers, parties
651. historical injustice: slavery, colonialism, the holocaust
652. corporate irresponsibility, coverups
653. you're cold, heartless
654. they're cold, heartless
655. the bottom line
656. greed
657. pride, avarice, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth.
658. unwise, unfair distribution of resources
659. mis-allocation of resources
660. irreversible, hopeless inequality and despair.
661. because it's illegal, criminal, unlawful
662. because you're not supposed to
663. because you're evil
664. taboo, nudity, sex, bestiality, incest
665. pimps, ho's, bitches, prostitutes, whores, johns, tricks
666. the beast, mythology, apocalypse, revelation
667. tabloids, news inaccuracy, lies, falsehoods, misquotes, misleadings.
668. incompleteness. you finish what you start. murder completes you.
669. math, aftermath
670. legal insanity, wrong laws.
671. assumptions
672. discrimination. special treatment.
673. lottery
674. it's all just little bits of history repeating.  those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.  there's nothing new under the sun.
675. eliminate the competition.  drugdealing, dating, business, sports.
676. fun, fun, fun.  try them all. boys will be boys. girls just wanna have fun.
677. snuff films, make money, entertain your friends
678. picking people off with a sniper rifle is fun.
679. axe murdering is fun.
680. slicing and stabbing, woohoo.
681. watching someone foam at the mouth is fun.
682. blowing someone's head off with a shotgun is a bloody good time.
683. hearing someone's neck break (twist and shout)
684. videotape the head after beheadal from a guillotine, wink wink.
685. asphyxiation, gasping.
686. electrocution, quivering
687. drowning, a peaceful way to go, glub glub
688. garrote
689. bomb blast.  body parts everywhere, vaporized.
690. tricking someone into eating a mushroom, licking a frog.
691. convincing someone to swallow their tongue.
692. pushing someone off a bridge, a cliff, a building, a ledge.
693. bashing to bloody bits with a baseball bat (just b-cause)
694. carving someone up
695. work at home scams and schemes.
696. infomercials.  exercise equipment. knives.
697. nature shows. predator and prey. stalking, cunning, waiting, pouncing.
698. bugs. poisonous spiders, suicidal moths, cannibalistic praying mantises, malarial mosquitoes, biting horseflies, nuclear cockroaches.
699. tarot card readers
700. jonathan edwards
701. al gore, jr.
702. global poverty
703. crass commercialism
704. price gouging
705. conspicuous consumption
706. keeping up with the joneses
707. psychiatrists
708. crack whores
709. liars, cheats, thieves
710. murder, rape, torture
711. sex, drugs, rock and roll
712. pleasure, sensuality
713. ecstasy, orgasm
714. you're impotent
715. you can't get an erection.  goregasm.
716. pacifists.
717. pugnacity.
718. doves
719. hawks
720. owls
721. eagles
722. Judaism. the old testament. eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.
723. balance, yin-yang, Siva.  death, decay, and destruction is half of life, growth, and creation.  there can be no light without shadow.
724. people make fun of you.  you will not be mocked.  people laugh at you.  who's laughing now, who has the last laugh.  you are the butt of their jokes.
725. you are a joke, they are a joke, both.
726. people do not take you seriously.
727. you're a lie, they're a lie, both
728. you're an ass, they're an ass, both
729. a dick, a prick
730. an asshole
731. anal-retentive
732. they don't wipe
733. you've got balls
734. you're back
735. your head, your feet are killing you, a killer top to bottom
736. nobody loves you
737. they don't love you
738. they don't love you back
739. nobody understands you
740. they don't understand you
741. you don't know what it is, to love, to be loved, to be in love, to experience love, make love, receive love.
742. you can't love
743. cat's got your tongue (communication breakdown)
744. you can't sleep
745. God doesn't mind
746. survival
747. only the good die young
748. they think they're god
749. they think they're god's gift.
750. they think they're god's gift to women.
751. they think they're god's gift to men
752. they think they're all that
753. they think they're hot shit, but they're really cold diarrhea
754. they try to intimidate you.
755. it's legal (war, capital punishment, abortion, in the ring)
756. some people have the right to (soldiers, executioners, spies, cops) under specified conditions.
757. public safety, making an example
758. you work at a sawmill
759. it's business
760. it's personal.
761. a complete stranger.
762. the family that slays together, stays together.
763. incessant cheeriness.
764. cheer nazis
765. disneyland, disneyworld, eurodisney, walt disney, mickey mouse
766. it's a dead man's party. no one lives forever.
767. making stories "come alive" (books, tv)
768. urban legend re-enactment
769. historical re-enactment
770. false and unjust imprisonment
771. pet peeves
772. traffic, traffic jams, horns, noise
773. murder is the solution to every problem
774. you hunger and thirst for righteousness
775. alarm clocks, schedules, expectations, obligations
776. the rat race
777. you missed the starting gun.
778. headaches
779. persistent coughing.
780. they blew cigar, cigarette smoke at you.
781. cruelty to animals, butchers, animal slaughterers, the meat industry, vivisection, animal testing, furs, zoos, meat is murder.
782. murder burger
783. they changed the name of murder burger.
784. bacteria, virus, germ.  infection, infestation, cesspool.  sickness, illness, disease.
785. it's a cold, cruel, heartless world.
786. you're drumming up publicity for your crime "fiction".
787. beauty, looks, appearances.  marks, flaws, imperfections.  exceptional beauty.
788. it gives you a new perspective, a fresh outlook. (583, 587, 960)
789. interviewers, dating game, selection criteria, fuzzy logic.
790. fame
791. guinness book of world records
792. books
793. politics.  consolidating power.  like lenin.  or mao. or some third world dictator.
794. politics. eliminating rivals. in your party. in other parties.
795. politics. ideology.  the ideological opposite, the opponent, the enemy.
796. thoughtlessness.
797. the safeway club card.
798. scanning technology.
799.  technological backwardness. the amish.
800. the unabomber manifesto.
801. diamonds are forever, are a girl's best friend, dogs are man's best friend.
802. the queen of hearts.  or queen of diamonds.  the cards you are dealt.
803. hannibal lecter (218, 530, 531, 807, 960)
804. any stimulus at all, with murderous association.
805. if somebody says x one more time, you'll go postal.
806. you're a postal worker.
807. a pure psychopath, getting a clean kill, of white trash.
808. bullets on your resume, shots at the bar, gunning your engine, sitting shotgun.
809. be all that you can be
810. get an edge on life
811. aim high.  gunshot wound to the head.  shots in the air.
812. food restrictions, prohibitions, taboo.  e.g. pork, squid, non-kosher.
813. jesus-freaks
814. religious whackos, nuts, loonies
815. send em to heaven
816. send em to hell
817. better off dead.  compassion.  end suffering, hopeless case, social good, happiness.
818. you are a rock
819. you're hard.  strength.
820. same reason as the mountain climber, because they are there.
821. comedy, it's funny.
822. cheesiness
823. peas and firecrackers (804)
824. you can get away with it.
825. you have demons
826. it's a role to play, all the world's a stage, performance, crowd-pleaser.
827. you're sad, blue, depressed, in grief, sorrowful.
828. society sucks, everyone sucks.
829. your job sucks
830. subliminal influence, subconscious, susceptibility to suggestion.
831. you have a taste for it (782)
832. you haven't much time left.
833. you've always wanted to.
834. limits
835. the human condition (561), absurdity, better that we had not been born at all.
836. quest for a utopian society.
837. political correctness, terminology.
838. oppression
839. exploitation
840. revolution
841. waste
842. welfare
843. wo/men
844. it makes you feel like a man.
845. playing with your new toys
846. playing with the big boys.
847. testing the latest in military technology.
848. computers, software, hardware, viruses, waiting, freezing, spam.
849. words.  all words. any words. fighting words. bad words. ineffability. code.
850. quest for global domination.  everybody wants to rule the world.
851. shit happens
852. to make things right with the world.
853. to be right with the world.
854. all the horror films, books, true crime tv/lit, mysteries you've read.
855. you're sick
856. you're always tired.
857. you're sick and tired of it all.  you've been stepped on, shat on, pissed on, spat on, you're fed up, you've had enough, you won't take it anymore, you won't take it lying down, the time has come, the time is now, revolt, payback.
858. you've snapped.
859. because it doesn't matter (983)
860. life is meaningless
861. to give life meaning.
862. a tragedy waiting to happen.
863. inevitability.  in the stars.  fate, destiny, kismet.  foretold, inevitable.
864. night, darkness, shadow.
865. day, sweetness, light.
866. they don't fight fair, they fight dirty, low blow (break the rules, 979)
867. they challenged you to a fight, a duel, a game of russian roulette.
868. resentment.  why does this shit always happen to you? you don't deserve this.
869. grudge. you've been wronged.
870. ill will. malice. i hope you die.
871. punk-ass muthafucker
872. exasperation, irritation, annoyance.  AGH!!!
873. frustration. you can't always get what you want.  can I EVER get what I want.  lack of love, affection, tenderness.
874. futility.  what's the point. nothing changes.  i'm banging my head against the wall.
875. absurdity.  the divine tragi-comedy.  existentialist outlook.
876. nonsense. nunsense. no incense.  what?  catholic got your tongue.
877. they're the source of your problems.  murder is the solution.
878. unloyal, disloyal, turncoat, double-agent (spy)
879. the military, the pentagon, the defense department: the army, navy, air force, marines, coast guard.
880. you have a black belt
881. you're inspired
882. it's the perfect murder, art
883. on a dare.
884. low police presence, high probability of eluding suspicion or capture.
885. they think they're jesus, so crucify them.  crucify the lord, mob unity.
886. bad luck, down on your luck, down on their luck.
887. bad hair day
888. you're a slasher, a (member of) slayer, satan claws, santa's slay.
889. spiritual power
890. you're Death
891. truth. stop the bullsit. stop the lies.  keepin it real.
892. delusion. false beliefs.
893. you're not paranoid, they're really out to get you.
894. prolonged, protracted suffering
895. an uncaring, apathetic world.
896. if it's worth thinking, it's worth doing.
897. us/them (438)
898. psychic entertainment for the man in your head.
899. feed the voracious, insatiable appetite of the collective unconscious for murder.
900. you like it messy: blood, guts, and gore.
901. to hear them scream,
902. just to watch him die.
903. legalese
904. coffin prices
905. to see if they're immortal
906. god, gold, and glory.   god, queen, and country.
907. synchronicity.
908. it's what animates you, like a cartoon.
909. where you're at
910. it's too crowded, living space, liebensraum
911. bankruptcy
912. they pushed your button(s)
913. that's the last straw
914. you're a coward.  scaredy-cat.   chicken!
915. peer pressure, goaded into it, egged on, whipped into a frenzy
916. big fish, little fish, swimming in the water
917. fisher of men
918. the life of the party
919. the death of the party
920. costume, make-up, unrecognizability, disguise
921. magic: make someone disappear
922. mafia, mob boss, henchman, errand boy
923. in organized crime
924. you live in columbia
925. stereotypes
926. first impression
927. training for bigger and better things
928. you've been outed
929. they put you out on the street
930. they're a beggar
931. they begged you for money
932. they asked you for money
933. they wouldn't give you money
934. they scammed you
935. they're a con artist
936. try them all, break every law, a name for every letter of the alphabet, one from every state, one for every reason, every m.o., systematic entertainment.
937. do it all,  know it all, omniscience, omnipotence
938. instinct, gut feeling
939. authenticity.  unmedicated.  the real you.  unleash the beast.  catharsis.
940. they drive you crazy
941. you're going mad, losing your mind
942. you're an anthropologist, going native.
943. spices up your travel experience.
944. stupid, ignorant, and no desire to learn
945. people are just walking meatbags, breedbugs, pests.
946. they remind you of someone you hate.
947. you need the exercise.
948. you can't be held accountable. (just following orders, president, voices, god, etc.), possessed, multiple personalities, off medication, ngri -not guilty by reason of insanity, delusional, mentally ill.
949. they're in-sub-non-human/aliens/part of a computer program
950. you're a demon
951. you've got time to kill, you're dressed to kill, you have a killer smile, killer good looks.
952. you're neo, the one
953. you're the vice president (president of vice)
954. you just don't give a fuck
955. you need not wonder why, no time left for you.
956. an adolescent cry for attention
957. a cry for help
958. it makes you happy (390, 520, 583)
959. they're christ, you're the antichrist.  vice versa.  it's the christian thing to do.
960. a fledgling killer's first effort at transformation
961. protest
962. rebellion
963. national security and defense, from enemies, foreign and domestic, internal and external.
964. well behaved women seldom make history
965. low expectations
966. ruined reputation
967. you have nothing to lose.  you're fuct.
968. you're confused (incomplete, contradictory, unverified, poor-quality information)
969. you need to know, poor teachers, lack of information, frustrated intellect
970. you're arab, israeli, palestinian.  intifada.  history.
971. ethnic persecution, ethnic cleansing
972. savagery, atrocities.
973. lack of good will.
974. lack of cooperation, teamwork.
975. incompetence
976. member of a death squad.
977. jealousy, frustration, anger aoused by public displays of affection
978. sense of propriety, good manners, they're rude, crude, unacceptable.
979. they broke the rules, they cheated, they got away with it.
980. emotion, passion, carried away, heat of the moment.
981. emotional immaturity
982. double-crossed (triple, quadruple...)
983. you don't matter, you're unimportant.  they don't matter, nobody matters.
984. it's the end of the world. the end is nigh.
985. they believe the end is nigh.
986. oblivion, the void, the infinity of time and space, the wasteland.
987. impermanence.  we are fleeting, transitory, ephemeral, dust in the wind.  transient transients.  just passing through.  just a drop of water in an endless sea of eternity.  infinitesimal.
988. the matrix (427)
989. it's all good, it's all just
990. just because
991. you're dead already
992. you're going to die soon
993. you just really want to (833)
994. it's the right thing to do
995. the confluence of motive, means, and opportunity
996. it's the only rational option
997. it may not be rational, but it's your only choice.
998. any combination
999. all of the above
1000. why not

some final thoughts:
mix and match spells-
for example, Why Isis?
     you're a hater.  the world is shit.  life is but a joke. you're Death.  you're a machine.  they suck.  irritating, draining, take up space, consume resources, a better world without them, you hate their guts, looking at them.  they're a muppet.  boring.  stupid.  ignorant.  incurious.  worthless.  unreal.  taste their blood.  harvesting chemicals/drugs.  you don't care.  no one cares, not one.  you performed a service.  feel alive.  God is grateful.  Now you'll find love.  happy halloween, chief/boss/killa.  sick and twisted, oh what a relief it is.  a clean kill, good shot, wipe those vermin off the map, no regrets, you're pure, making a difference, an army of one. 
-maybe that's why.

the bible says god is a man of war, and war is about killing, usually.  also, it says there is a time to kill. and "only god is good" (!)

they always call murder senseless, but if you stop and think, there could be quite a few (really good?) reasons.  Collect them all.

everyone wrestles with their dark side, their dark impulses/urges/fantasies, if not needs.

by "reasons to kill," you could interpret it as making murder rational in a thousand ways (instigatory?), OR reasons that themselves need to be killed, inside your mind, psyche, make-up, in order to achieve peace (which, to my mind, is even more rational and necessary.)
         Personal growth, as I see it, is depotentiating and nullifying the force of any/all of the reasons you find compelling.

The thousandth reason of "why not" outweighs the cumulative weight of persuasion of the previous 999, I think.  That is, the hell of prison in this life, and possible eternal torment in the next.

Here's a quote:
"Power is when we have every justification to kill, and we don't." -Oskar Schindler

If it seems different from the rest of my blog, it's because I wrote this like 20 years ago.  I just dug it up.  Thought I'd share!  People I shared it with back then thought it was funny, I think.