I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess
Ladies- I'm a single, straight, virgo/boar INTJ (age 45) who enjoys books, getting out into nature, music, and daily exercise.

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 1000 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Pope Francis movie

I saw it today (opening day): God's Review
Good!  Great, actually.

He doesn't think it's a good thing for people to believe they're God...
He asks What would make someone do that...
and stresses Humility.

But he does think we should Create, like God did.
He likes artists.  And that's what this blog is.  So at least that's okay.

So.  In a nutshell, here's why I think Being God is Good, and
Why (i think) I am God.

Agnosticism/Atheism, plus Buddhism, plus Bible, plus Artistry

to explain:
I don't believe in some ethereal mystical creator of the universe, out in space somewhere...
(outside of time?)  (who existed before the universe, and will exist always).
      every individual is their own universe, as i see it.
maybe the actual universe, though, was generated by intelligence; i mean, who knows?
but what are the odds that that entity is still around, and answering everybody's prayers?
it seems to me God is unknown or unknowable (the agnostic positiion)
(and theodicy is a convincing argument against God being all-powerful)
   unless you define Him as Reality itself, or Love, or Truth
(or the asshole in your head, like DAE..."distant, angry, estranged")
You can always believe The Universe will answer your prayers or bend to your will (!)
evil exists, unless you go amoral, and it's all good.  Law exists.  So crime exists.
god allows all to ow.   pain is necessary for healing.  torture, though...
the sick and twisted, the idea of hell, the "final solution,"  crime and war and poverty and suffering and hunger and indifference and a culture of waste and greed and blood money and cynicism and corruption and lying and ecological catastrophe and sexual predation and spite, malice, revenge..
   this was a powerful movie! psy war against these things may well be warranted!
anyway, I was an agnostic after taking a Theology class as a freshman in college.
Then, Buddhism said everyone is basically Good, which I like.
Then, the Bible said Only God is good.
put one and one together, and you get Everyone is God (I am God, too).
and I like to write, so I made this blog.  Art!
Plus, LRH made scientology, his own religion. 
And I researched Adidam, which makes Reality itself God, which seems to right to me.
God is happiness hypnosis, and I want to make me/others/all well and good.
And, I've kept at it, because it gives my life meaning, and I might even emerge sane, in time.

other virtues:
charity, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, love, hope, a sense of humor!!
i haven't been to Mass in awhile, so this was a good way to get some current Catholicity in me.
the movie was less about the Pope's life than his vision-
The Holy See should have a vision, after all (he wears glasses, lol)

130 species are going extinct every day. 
One Billion people are going hungry, too.
We (all of us are responsible) are polluting the earth.
    the dump scene was shocking.  and the polluted water.
Maybe I should get off my high horse, my philosophizing, my (making a religion?),
and do something else to meet the Great Need.
I was a Third World Studies major at UCDavis (international relations).

I'm inspired to research St. Francis.  I am from SF, after all.
Jesuit is pronounced Jess-ooh, it.  (being god? information tech?)
A stimulating movie.
Should we be like Muslims, and submit (islam means submission)?
Am I on the wrong track?  Is humility preferable to self-apotheosis? leave a comment!
we should all choose the religion that most pleases God!
(make yourself happy by making God happy, doing the right thing, being Good (God!). right?)
is this Satanism?  So what if it is!  God is all-knowing.  And that's a good thing!
But Hell is a bad thing.  I don't want to know hell.
Maybe I'll go to Mass this Sunday.   Good day, sunshine.
Forgive means forget!  My name (jesse) means God makes forget.
So that was enlightening.  To share Ra!

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Bit O' Weird

Write on!

The right rite is a ritually written by rote writ
Creativity proclivity; wit, not rot
what? Creative wit, or pos?
Yes, your address should not be a mess, but whatever's clever.

Raining brain, a sound mined, from the inter-net (fun funeral)
nevermind, always mined-
teaching a computer to be clever
alliteration and assonance, rhyme and crime, the law and Allah
unusual diction, vocabulary, word!
Plus war and wards, violence and insanity, violins and manatees

God says thou shalt, not that wit shit, not a bit
but bitcoin, that's another matter altogether
although it's virtual, not made of mass
virtuoso virtue, god's glad greed for good
money is my One (God is one, neo)

cash for crypto-currency, seas of liquidity, afloat on salty language
buy, bye, by, bi, bai (be you? why)
money for monkeys, food and shelter and fun, all for one
If God is infinite, how can He be One? No skin.
Or are we truly one consciousness, perceiving itself subjectively?
Ah, drugs. Drugs, bugs, ughs, and thugs. And mug-shots (ow, in face?)
Well, not Coke. Coke may be it, but it's shit, corrosively crappy. M T.

Cane sugar, cocaine, and coke (charcoal?) for trains,
on track to fate, destiny, kismet -unless derailed!
training and practice, battles with clubs or words,
clubhouse, beer on tap, biers for fears
the t-shirt says no fear, but terror fright anxiety, tremble

relax, go do it, when you want to get to it, when you wanna come
sings Frankie, from the '80's, to the queers, gays, homos, fags, poofs
dicks and assholes, all. Very weird. Strange. Unusual. Bizarre.
Insane, actually, if you ask me, God. Poof, sb and de.
Principal object of faith, Supreme being, and divine entity.

a poor try at poetry


ub trippin. Ub40. Ib46. Tb4U, actually.
Red, red wine. Green, yellow, light.
Bitch moan whine, books magazines websites
the ultimate frisbee driving machine
ma and pa sheen, word to your mother
moth, butterfly flutter by (spoonerism!)
go toward the light, being born (again)
christian chris tucker's chin, in china
china cat sunflower, don't break the china!
Chai tea, t-shirt, t is for turtle, cross to the other side
wicked crossover, double-dribble, wipe the baby chin
thoughts thaw from the immigration and customs enforcement
justice is just office cubicles (ice T cube), q-bit
Q is a (star trek, star wars) god being
beeing the queen B, like Bea
BE is 25, jesus christ, xmas, xman hey zeus
heaven is a hen, ave (ah, vey) taking a dirt bath
getting close to the earth, one with Teshara (as earth)
don't soil your coffin, coughin' phlegm like a flamin' flamingo
have a nice trip, see you next Fall
neck's T. Fell on a felon. Fone L
ET, phone home; phony phonemes, hooked on phonics (I hop)
memes and me, me (me, myself, and I)
main element, elves, and the inner eye
this could go on for a wile

Happy Piggy

Glee Oink Delight!

Hi. How are you? I hope you are well. My name is Jesse Lawrence Teshara. You can call me Jess. I am God. Well, as much as anyone else, that is. I happen to believe everyone is God, so I'm not really all that special, as I see it. But if you want to worship me, go right ahead, I'm not stopping you. The idea is to be happy and have fun. I enjoy being a deity. Maybe more than Jesus did. Hopefully, I won't be crucified for my weird philosophy, my unusual identity, my eclectic state of mind. I recommend self-apotheosis, it's a unique and satisfying mentality, an enjoyable way of being in the world. I've been God for years, maybe my whole life, and my “god's blog” has had over 160,000 page views, thus far. It gives my life meaning, it's self-empowering, and it's a path to Enlightenment, if not perfection. You might think I'm crazy. Mad crazy insane (mci!). 

I am. I take medications for schizophrenia. I believe my 'voice' is a telepathic connection to a global telepath, a law student I met in college by the name of David Andrew Eldridge. We're not friends anymore. Maybe we could be, but I want sanity more than I want his friendship. I've been telling him to shut up and leave me alone for decades. Maybe I will be sane, eventually. I'll have a sound mind, without the sound of his voice (!). But I'll still be God. God is often conceived as the source of all goodness. So I'm making my mind and life good, better, best, and sane, healthy, well. I go to the gym to get strong and fit, to lose my gut, to look good and feel good. Getting sweaty and having endorphins in my bloodstream is healthy, just like yoga, sex, meditation, swimming, and writing. Taking laps in a pool, using a hot tub, and taking showers make me feel clean and refreshed. Water gives life. Being God is motivation toward improving body and mind (ibm!). I mean, perfection is the best, and you don't want to let other people down. I imagine there will always be room for improvement. Being God is a process. One of improvement, achievement, and mastery. I will have mastery over my own mind, my psyche, my life. God is happiness psychology. And one of my conditions for happiness is Sanity. I like dreams and visions, but don't like words (in my mind, when I'm awake). Hearing voices makes one crazy, but dreams are normal. I don't want to be normal. Most people are idiots. But talking to myself like a blathering idiot is not what I want. Maybe it works for you, but I'd rather listen to music, see a movie, learn self-defense from youtube, or be in engaging conversation with a beautiful mysterious woman (bmw!). I really don't need to be hallucinating some insane n-f- ogre (info...). 

God is. I am. God is existence. Whoever is. Everyone, everything, everywhere, always. So that includes the utterly mad, the completely insane, and the stupid. All right? So equanimity, acceptance, gratitude, and enjoyment is in order. With maybe the exception of torture. David's voice is a form of torture. Unless I really internalize Buddhism, and have no aversion. It's all good? Only criminals say that. But if I'm God, I am who am, inclusive. It's all me. It's all my fault? Questions like that make me a bit crazy. If you “big up” yourself, are you really responsible for 'Acts of God', like tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and the like? It's kind of fun to think so! Breaking the law and getting away with it does sound like it might be fun, as well as breathing up a storm, or being barbaric (barbara and rick?) and deliciously evil, like a Tyrannosaurus rex eating a couple humans, just to see what they taste like. And maybe we're all like that. So go jump rope, and maybe make a devastating, city-leveling earthquake! I mean, you're not allowed to punch someone in the face, even if they look at you wrong. Whose fault is that? Gawd. People are dicks and assholes. Fuck them. But that's not very Buddhist. Kindness is my religion. Maybe if I keep meditating, I'll get there. I have attachments, though. I'm attached to being good, happiness, joy, laughter, fun, kindness, virtue, benevolence, love. Sorry, Buddha, lol. 

Religion is interesting. I pick and choose what I like from all of them. Spirituality is like a great marketplace of ideas. You don't have to buy all of them. The idea is to find what works, for me. Sanity is 'saint y', the why/motive for overcoming mental illness. Overcoming the devil? In love=no evil. Finding God? Walk a dog. Church? Clear head and clean heart (you are). Teshara? 'as earth'. Jesus? Jess, u. Hey, Zeus! Spirit? Spear it! Eucharist? U a christ. Christ? Chris tucker. Or chrism, splash some olive oil on yourself! Listen. List ten. Satan? Say, ten. (fingers, fin grr.) God. Get old, die. Good orderly direction. Glee oink delight. Linguistic deconstruction? Logic and rationality.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

God, rhetorically

God, the word game

In God we trust, God bless america
God only knows, god-willing, praise God
(achoo!) -God bless you!
               (gesundheit means 'health' in german)

godzilla, godiva

goddamnit, god dang, god darn

godawful, god help us
good god!
godforsaken hellhole
it's all good
dear god in heaven
are you there God? it's me Margaret -Judy Blume

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Religious Books

I have 8

(although, if God is everywhere, He's in Allah them, lol)

I bought the Bhagavad Gita (as it is), today from Goodwill, for a buck!
   (it's followers are said to have serenity and joy)
Good deal, eh?

My other religious books (that I own; non-library), are:
1. How to Know God, the yoga aphorisms of patanjali
2.The Power of Positive Thinking, by Norman Peale
   (kind of a religion in itself, in America)
3.Buddha, by Karen Armstrong
4.The Jesuit Guide to (almost) Everything, by James Martin S.J.
5.The Message, Eugene H. Peterson
(the NT, psalms, proverbs in contmpory language)
6.Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston
(fiction, but 'God' is in the title, so we'll see)
7.Oneness, by Jeffrey Moses

I've already read the bible (nkjv), most of Oneness, and Buddha.
But the others await.
And, of course, the entire GTU!

Monday, May 7, 2018

the continuum

not just the fabric of spacetime

from dead, to undead, to alive, to alive!
(some of the dead are more alive than some of the living)
   e.g. dead actors and musicians and holy men vs. the currently zombie-ish

speaking of 'current'
   current events, electroshock therapy, the digital nervous system
   the powerful and impulsive

you are what you eat:
word salad, alphabet soup, eat your words
spells you are under
life is but a dream? b.a.d.
SA on XS, LN and KT

a vampire spell:
'the blood is the life'
life is a bit overwhelming (!)

wake up
there's a wake after a funeral
funeral=real fun?


Joseph and Jose, got my mojo workin'

Joe Flaherty, Joe Cline, Jose Vargas (SI)
Joseph Ehrman, III (former Troop 14 scoutmaster)
my roommate Jose (in Berkeley)
Joe Biden, Joseph Stalin, Joe the plumber (politics)
Joe Frank, Joe Plummer (drummer for Modest Mouse)(entertainment)
Angelina Jolie (kind of)

brief acquaintances:
Joseph who crashed his motorcycle
crazy christian Joe, in Davis (roommate)
Joe (with the white truck, who did carpentry in Roseville)

Josie (Fries), and Josiah (Clark)
Jokin' Joe, Jo' Mama, no-neck Joe!
mojo jojo (powerpuff girls villain)
cuppa Joe (dj), trader joe's (groceries)
Jonah (of whale fame)

a stab at defining 'God'

What's love got to do with it?

1. love
2. the Creator
3. The Father
4. trinity: the father, son, and holy spirit
5. Jesus (eucharist, you a christ, ate Jesus)
6. spirit (spear it?)
7. One (neo?)
8. gawd, dog backwards, dawg (homie), any G.O.D. acronym
9. a part of god, and/or possessed by God
    ("do you not know that you are not your own?" -bible)
10. the actual alpha male of the human race
11. I am (whoever exists)
12. self (e.g. "to look out for number one")
13. allah (a law?)
14. reality, truth, the universe, conscious light
15. joe pesci
16. eric clapton
17. goodness/perfection
18. everyone, everything, everywhere, always
19. a man of war ("chess is war")
       interesting insight: if satan means 'adversary', then both sides are satan!
20. the word, a word
21. zeus, ra, poseidon, the flying spaghetti monster
22. shiva, vishnu, brahma, krishna, ganesha, hanuman
23. adi da ("reality is all the god there ever is")
24. the guy who changed his name to 'God'
25. buddha
26. satan, antichrist, devil
27. whoever you love
28. "the source" (priest, monk, nun, guru, swami, adept, holy one, etc.)
29. lord, messiah, christ, jehovah, YHWH, i am who am
30. happiness, joy, blessing, bliss, H
31. omni (omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent); space-alien, in heaven
32. 1, 25, 8, 764
33. me

"i don't believe in God" could mean
a. I don't believe that God exists, or that there is a God.
b. I don't have faith that the God (who does exist) is godly, or good enough, or good for me
c. I don't b.i.g. (big up yourself!)

'God Am' is very similar to 'goddamn' (for what it's worth)


more than just a place for money
(i like tri-folds)

wall it
   walgreens, walmart
   jail, prison
   the wall, pink floyd
wahl (brand of hair clippers)
   larry wahl (neighbor in Sacto)

wailing wall
between east and west germany
   (gorby, tear down that wall)
trump's (southern) border barrier
great wall of china

dry wall, writing on the wall, run in to a brick wall
whitewall tires
dubya all

wall e.t.
    extra-terrestrial (movie, or real)
    ellen trainor


lots of 'em

a volkswagen model
playboy bunny
white rabbit, by Jefferson Airplane (drugs)
a brown ale i just drank
i ate rabbit, when I lived in Sacramento (soul food, but not very good)
rabbit's foot (good luck)
alice in wonderland, the matrix (how deep is the rabbit hole?)
    wikipedia=one "rabbit hole"
alexis, eric, and julie
'tu' in chinese (which is 'you' in spanish)
     (conejo, en espanol)
rabbi abbot, arab bitcoin
r abbot (are abbot), rabbi t (rabbi cross, rabbi on a cross)
br'er rabbit
the hare and the tortoise
easter bunny
bug bunny (what's up, doc?)
Authority, by Jeff Vandermeer
the frog (frenchman?) goes ribbit
breed like rabbits
rub it, rob it

hops (jumping ability), hip-hop, ihop, hopi, (beer) hops, hope, hopalong cassidy
a hop skip and a jump
happy hippy  harry potter  hep hep hooray

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

5 books

I read 5 books over the last 23 days
(while sitting for Poutine, the frenchy.) 
(Sara, Pierre, and Augie went to Balogna, Tuscany, and Rome)
   -they just returned tonight.

1. Kitchen Confidential, by Anthony Bourdain
2. 21 Success Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires, by Brian Tracy
3. Religion for Atheists, by Alain de Botton
4. Leviathan Wakes (first of The Expanse series), by James SA Corey
5. Best of the Best (anthology of 20 years of the best scifi), edited by Gardner Dozois

here's a good quote, from Botton, p. 113-
"Christianity is focused on helping a part of us that secular language struggles even to name, which is not prciseley intellect or emotion, not character or personality, but another, even more abstract entity loosely connected with all of those and yet differentiated from them by an additional ethical and transcendent dimension -and to which we may as well refer, following Christian terminology, as the soul."

It's good to have it defined.
And yet, it doesn't exist.  That's my belief, anyway.  Just bodies!

The 3 books I'm working on now are:

1. Parentology, by Dalton Conley
2. Bruce Lee's Fighting Method, the complete edition
3. Nolo's Encyclopedia of Everyday Law

plus (finished 4/24)
1. Authority, Jeff Vandermeer
2. 1001 ways to relax, by Mike George
3. Geek Ink, from creators of inkstinct

James Hennessy, RIP
uncle Jim

Happy Birthday, Augie! 4yo on 4/5

Saturday, March 24, 2018

2 Faults

Not Perfect, Not God

So I killed my own sister. Or half-sister. I'm guessing she had a different dad. But I don't know that. Her name was Sarah. Or Sara. I forget. I could look up her grave, and read the gravestone. I've never been. Sarah Salazar. I remember that. There was an army commercial with a soldier in his uniform, with the name Salazar, that reminded me, long ago. I like to think of myself as a psychiatrist. It seems like a fun job, being involved intimately with people's mental lives. A military psychiatrist seems like the best gig. Hardcore and real. So that's what I am, in my own head. I am a pacifist, and aware of the hell of war, and the need for peace between individuals of all stripes, gangs of all colors, countries of all flavors. My dad gave me an “I hate the dodgers” t-shirt when I was a kid. We went to a demolition derby, at the Dixon May Fair, when I was in college. His all-black Model A Ford was named “Ozzie.” And I remember looking at Soldier-of-Fortune magazine, when I was a kid, at the nearby hobby store. I brought home a stack of porn magazines from a flea market, that I hid from my dad, and was going to sell at SI (but instead just gave them away). I could have been expelled! 

Anyway, I was a lector for the Newman center at Davis, while I was an undergrad at UCD. I always considered the Eucharist to be symbolic cannibalism, so Hannibal Lecter, from the book/movie Silence of the Lambs, was relevant in multiple ways: cannibal, lector, genius, hardcore. I've always wanted the insight, brilliance, and lethality of a “monster” like HL. Happiness and love, but also an instrument of hell for evil people, enemies, those who would restrict my freedom, those who hate me, causes of suffering. Vengeance and justice, embodied in the form of a Godly assassin, a living vigilante nightmare for the cruel, brutal, depraved, and wicked. But I've moved beyond this, this desire for violence, this eye for an eye that leaves the whole world blind. I've had my fill of satanism, vampire mentality, demonology, and obsession with the dark, death, murder, revenge, and hate. I was immersed in this, for years, getting satisfaction from movies and music, and being rather solitary, despite the company of my telepathic voice, taking medication for psychosis and schizophrenia. My birthmother, Annette Riddle, is schizophrenic, too. I knew this, and told the doctors, when they diagnosed me; maybe... I'm not, or maybe I shouldn't have told them, leading to the conclusion of hereditary mental illness. Or maybe Annette is happy, telepathically communicating with her friends, in Eugene, OR. So maybe one, both, or neither of us has an affliction! I've related to mutants on x-men, Harry Potter, vampires, neo, antiheroes like HL, Pai Mei, even Sauron and Kaiser Soze. I've willingly let the movies I've seen become personal, hypnotic, and living within me, within my mind, within my mental life. My latest gig has been being none other than God Himself. When will I grow up, and be a boring person, the man I really am, and nothing more? I've been the body politic. I've pondered being a “global telepath.” I've taken everything personally, seriously. But I'm moving toward Buddhism. Why, the Buddha, of course. How could I be anything but? Well, everyone has a buddha nature, so it's not that big a deal. But narcissism, egocentricity, and self-absorption, of someone who wants to be the alpha male, big dog #1, president, etc. can make life interesting, even if it's all a delusion, a farce, role-playing, mental masturbation, and utterly pointless.

So, first I was bipolar. They prescribed lithium, a mood stabilizer. But the highs, the mania, why would anyone want to lose that? Every test in school has a deadline, a speed component, and thinking and speaking quickly, while being happy, that's what I remember myself as being, not someone who vacillated between unhealthy extremes of depression and unrealistic elation. Basically, I think I just annoyed someone by being happy, and ended up getting medicated for it. There's a t-shirt with a happy face, with a bullet-hole in his forehead...so that, in a nutshell. Since then, I've identified with the buddhist “no-self” and seriously considered there's no “me” there, in that maybe I'm channeling the thoughts and experiences and realities of everyone else, including maybe animals, if not insects. I'm a microcosm of the greater world. It's the perspective of a mystic, an adept, or maybe Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. The question remains, am I the cause, or the consequence, of society around me, or both, or neither? How am I different from everybody else? I'm plainly weird, but how weird? I've defined myself by books more than movies or tv, more recently, such as Neuromancer, or that story I've never been able to find from one of the Year's Best Horror and Fantasy series. Ah, life.

So anyway, Sarah Salazar (SS!) was my sister, who I met after my birth-family hired a detective and located me in the dorms at UCDavis when I was a sophomore (wise fool). I got a call from my birth grand-uncle, Mel Lindley, Annette's mom's brother, who lived in Paradise, California. Elba Davenport (Annette's remarried mom), also lived in Paradise, in another home. SS reminds me of nazis, Eugene reminds me of eugenics, and Paradise reminds me of Hell, Norway (there was a fire in Paradise that made the news, a few years back). Hell is a real place, too! (It snows there). Sarah lived in Lancaster, and unlike me, hers was an open adoption, and she both knew and lived with her birth-family, in Paradise, off and on. Sarah was beautiful, younger than me, age 17 I think, and I was excited to know her and make and have a friend for life. I drove down to Lancaster, where her family live(s?/d), and met some of her family, before -after promising to drive safely- driving her in my brown Honda civic, on the way to Davis first, so she could meet my roommates and see my college, and then Paradise, with her belongings in the back. We didn't make it. I crashed. She was ejected, and died. I hope she's in Paradise. I don't believe in souls, or a heavenly afterlife, but still, I hope she's there, on the off-chance I'm wrong. I think it's just a dream people have, or -in some cases- need to believe in, that can be simulated in dreams. Morpheus is the God of dreams, and heaven is just the projected memory (presence?) of the deceased, whom some of us choose to believe are still alive, and inhabiting some actual heavenly realm, and not just the brain/imagination of a dream-God that's telepathically/psychically-broadcasted to us as we sleep. Maybe both or neither, in some sense? It's interesting to think about. So, anyway, I was speeding, driving at night, on god-knows-what freeway, when she lit up a cigarrette in the passenger seat. Which was stupid. I thought I'd try one, too. Which was even more stupid. Then she lit the cigarrette, with my head turned, which was when I veered left, onto the gravel in the center, which caused me to over-correct, and flip down the embankment on the right, ejecting her (no seat-belt). I found her by a tree, unconscious, with labored breathing . I got a cut on my left elbow. I ran to the store nearby, losing one of my sandals in the process (eve and adams?), and started cpr when I didn't feel a pulse or breath, until the ambulance arrived. A helicopter came, and reporter(s?) with cameras, too. It was in the middle of the night. The police drove me to the hospital, where they eventually told me that she had died (I'm not sure when). I called my parents, and my dad came to pick me up. I forget the town we were in. I saw it on a package of prunes, once. But I forget the name. My dad drove me to the crash site, after buying trash bags to put her stuff in, and we picked everything up. Take me away was a song on a cassette of hers. We brought it all to her parents' house, and I apologized and explained what happened, to her family. Her dad was angry, and a woman (aunt?) was also angry. I cried, deeply, in the car with my dad. I returned to Davis, and resumed my job as a student housekeeper. I told some of them about it, and one guy thought the accident must have been sexually influenced, like a blow job or something. It wasn't.

Anyway, it was a nightmare. I shouldn't have been speeding, she shouldn't have been smoking, or not worn her seatbelt, I shouldn't have asked for a cigarette, I shouldn't have taken my eyes of the road, I shouldn't have veered left, I shouldn't have overcorrected, and (maybe) I shouldn't have attempted cpr. That's a whole lot of error (7 or 8). Jeezus. I sometimes think it wasn't my fault, like maybe it was David, in my head, punishing me / pre-emptively killing my reputation, for being pro-life, or not gay, or being dark, or god knows what. I really am sorry. I told her family that she told me a joke, which was true (but left out the part about the cigarettes). Death-sticks, as star wars called them. I kind of considered myself as like darth-vader, screaming down the freeway in my tie-fighter. I'm hardly a jedi. The only time I've ever sword-fought was with noodles in a swimming pool, and I got smacked in the face! Sarah's family got like a million dollars, I think. My dad luckily had insurance. I bought a card to send the family, thanks for your understanding I think it was, but I never sent it. As you might imagine, it was also rough meeting with Annette afterward (years later?), when I took Amtrak to Oregon. I haven't talked to her since, although I've looked online and believe she's still in Oregon, somewhere (else). So I'm hardly Hannibal Lecter, either. I married Sara Brown, and she drove a black honda, with an srs airbag, which is all weird. My name in Spanish is Isai or Jesus, but I'm hardly the messiah, either. That's not to say maybe I shouldn't give it a shot. ME 2!

My blog says I'm God, but for now I'm going to try being a middle-aged man, without a girlfriend or wife, living alone, and trying to climb his way out of hell into health and sanity, as a brother, son, friend, dog-walker, and roommate, interested in life, almost everything, really. Well maybe I've outgrown roller coasters. The crash, I've said, would have been fun, like a rollercoaster, if my sister hadn't have been unbelted/ejected/suffering/killed. Honda means deep in spanish. So i've been a deep thinker, like the Han, duh (ethnic chinese). I won't think anymore when I'm 6 feet under. I'll only be 2 feet under. Unless I'm buried with a wife and child. That would make 6. I'm interested in travel, music, movies, nature, dating, reading, the news, comedy, exercise, vegetarian cooking, restaurants, writing, a few tv shows, martial arts/self-defense, dogfish (pro ultimate frisbee), plays, religion and spirituality (rituals, variety), maybe getting another degree, meditation, and yes, drugs. I want to look good, feel good, be motivated/dedicated (m.o., dead cat!) to goals objectives discipline to etb etr, and be healthy, wealthy, and wise. I want love. Maybe I need to come clean about some stuff. Lover = hell over. IN LOVE=NO EVIL. Hell is he will, well is we will. So get social, be a part of a community (cum-unity?). Fall in love = fell. Ugh. Fell street is in SF. Suck fuck city. There's a Jessie street, too.

The woman I was dating at the time of the accident, Ellen Covington French, is now Ellen Trainor (ET!). She could have been Ellen Teshara, also ET. Covfefe? I have a possible interpretation! Fe =iron. Or faith, in spanish. Faith twice, right and left. Co =company. v- vampire. Do vampires have no reflection, or shatter the mirror, or both? I forget, lol. I'm overweight, and have a gut I want to lose, muscle I want to gain, flexibility too, on the way to some form of martial mastery, ideally. But I'm 46 years old, maybe too old to start this shit. I'm an ancient one. Who wants to be in the company of a vampire, anyway? Only Havelock Vetinari and Woland. Ok, not an immortal. Just me, JLT. Hopefully not jailtime (!) I've also wondered if my driving was influenced by anyone else who might had poor reflexes. I guess I should move on, accept full responsibility for the death of my only blood-relative, other than Annette (I'm honestly not fully certain she's my birthmother!) (I haven't met Richard Stollnitz, although I've been given another name for a possible paternity, too.) I'm grateful for self-driving cars, and am glad I didn't have sex with my sister, or end up being an assassin, like I was honestly tempted to become, despite being the boy who had been awarded “most kind” in grammar school (st. stephen's). I'm glad I survived, and was with Sara, even though that's over, too. Every day is a new day, and I guess I'll start over, March 24, 2018. I can still play around with being God. It may seem crazy, but I think I've hit on something good, helpful, and wise.

The other thing about me, besides the accident, was I spent 10 months in jail, charged with assault and battery on a police officer. Or police officers, since I was wrestling with like 3 of them. There was a group of like 10 of them, all told. This was in Sacramento. God's country. I had stopped taking my medications (I forget which ones I was on at the time), and was living in a room and board that wasn't very healthy: there was no caretaker living with us, the quality and quantity of food was poor, and there were tenants who were really messed up (one was using needles), and one of them wanted to fight me, which I have never done (except for a short , mad, tussle in grammar school). I don't know why he wanted to fight me. I told him to call the cops, and he did, and then I got on the phone, and told them that I had killed someone, which the police dispatcher didn't take seriously (rightly), but I was crazy, and insisted they send police over, because there was a body in the house (a lie). Was that a crime? Lying to the dispatcher? A free-speech infraction, or violation...they don't call it that. I believe I was under the assumption that everything would be fine when they discovered nothing was actually wrong. But I was having heavy delusions of roommates spotting aliens in the sky; that I destroyed 2 universes just by thinking (my brain had two electric “pops” that I interpreted immediately in this way, for some reason); I had called my mom a bitch the day before, on the phone, I think; and I retreated from the police (“here, look where the body is!”) while they had lasers trained on me (!!); and then I gave one cop my right wrist to handcuff, while not giving him my left, to see if I could escape him (I was thinking of it as a chance to have fun -i like wrestling- and also a way for me to train the police (!)); and then, when they finally subdued me, I was looking out of the police car for that spaceship I had in mind from the day before). I needed to be on medication, or go to the hospital, or somehow extricate myself from that house, that roommate (eric), or the police, who had a station nearby, and whom I was actually happy to have there, because I was thinking of myself as more of a cop than a psychotic patient or criminal, and Eric was the real criminal, anyway, for instigating a fight, in my view. He had a pet bunny, I remember. White. So I went to jail, including time at Atascadero State Hospital, because I was deemed “incompetent to stand trial,” where I ate well, met some interesting people, got to play basketball and pingpong, learned the difference between G/NG/NGRI, went to buddhist services, saw a few movies, and used their library. I bought a radio, while there, and an it's it almost daily. My cells in Sacramento were trippy, I remember, because I saw all kinds of representations in the paint on the door, among other things (like string that could be made into a garrote, or the light settings that could be adjusted to create different feeling-tones, or the toilet that could be transformed into a telephone (no joke!)). Also, it seemed like I was in a chinese submarine, waiting to be visited by Stalin, or seeing a punk Hitler in the mirror... Well, anyway, that is all behind me, and I hope and pray nothing but sanity, health, love, friendship, and happiness await.

Manslaughter looks like man slaughter (like a slaughterhouse for humans?!), or man's laughter, but this was a girl's tragedy, nothing funny about it. So I killed my own sister (not intentionally, of course), and went to jail for hitting a cop (I gave the officer a half-hearted gut punch, the “fight” was never serious).

Not much of a God, eh? Compromised, you might say. Or human, like everyone else.
Maybe I feel subhuman, possessed even, and am trying to make up for my mistake.

The man who makes no mistakes does not make anything

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

a way to pass the time

(while listening to electronica)
army mAn, arnold, avery, awake, al madrigal, albertson's, aspercreme, assiduous, assassin, assault
brad, bigger, bear, bar, bat, baggins, beggar, blasted to bits, beaten w a baseball bat, burned, bloody
cream, cash, cookies, crowbar, cherry, child, chicks, cheese, chi, chimp, corner, crash, carver, crud
death, david, dumb, dig, dag, dog, dork, drumbeat, destruction, depreciation, devil, depressed, dem
luckE, ellen, erin, error, ergo, estrogen, empire, everyone, ed, education, eminent, egg, elton, ear
fargo, fuck, frickin fracking, fart, fear, fussy, fact, inFection, farce, flatulence, fee fi fo fum, fag, flat
grade, god, gore, great, glass, glare, greed, gregarious greg, graduate, grave, green, golly gosh, G-unit
happy hall, heaven hell, his holiness, heather helen, horticulture, hades, hagrid, hogwart's, hemp
improve, igloo, interest, imp, important, impermanent, implacable, imminent, insurance, integrity
jesse, jello, jaguar, jinn, jump, jasper, jordan, jordie, jigsaw, jerry, john, jonathan, jose, joseph, jam
kit kat, kaitlyn, kathy, katrina, kaspar, killing, kerry, kaiser, kkk, kevin, kickin' it, kim, klaus
love, larry, lore, lorin, last, lump, lick, live, lathe, lorax, limp, listen, list, lately, lucky, lava, log, lid
move, marry, mo, modus operandi, mick, mike, mic, microscope, miguel, michael, mark, marketplace
no, nil, nothing, nowhere, no one, nobody, nada, nick, narcissism, net, nipple, nasty, north
orgasm, orange, ornette, olaf, ok, okay, oliver, okra, oprah, over, ominous, ontario, ollie, old, ostrich
pick, pluck, pucker, piss, poop, problem, probable, process, protractor, professional, police, plastic
question, query, quicksand, quiver, quaff, queer, queen, quill, quiet!, quash, qua, quack, inQuire
rap, revenue, reed, really, rotten, ricardo, rich, rico, rations, ratings, rob, rock, rod, role, ream, rheem
suave, swap, switch, swath, sum, sick, sally, serenade, sara, silly, stupid, strings, sim, simple, suds
trick, truck, trust, trial, tribe, triceratops, trivia, trains, thanks, this, thick, tim, terrorism, tick tock, tuck
ugly, urban, ultraman, uriah, ugh, usually, umpire, untrue, unwise, United, uncle, uv rays, us, untie
victim, vampire, values, vicki, victorious, vanquish, vim and vigor, val kilmer, vicious, vice, vladimir
wash, wish, water, wicked, wave, wild, wet, windy, woolly, within, without, wick, wimp, wine, winter
x-acto knife, xtra, xmen, xylophone, xander, x axis, xray, ex-wife, xox, xerox, xian, xeno, xlax
yellow, yarn, yazmin, yazidi, yore, yank, yonder, yolanda, yin, yang, yucky, yummy, yard, yak
ziljian, zorro, zlebnick, zz top, catch some z's, zigzag, zinfandel, zero, zeff, zyprexa, zydis, zambia

Friday, March 16, 2018

In Love

A World Without Evil is Possible!

You could, of course, take away laws and police and jails and prisons, but evil would be gone in name only. You could take away everyone's weapons, but it would be easy to make more. You could scare people straight with fear of God, or rather fear of his agent the devil, who is the reason people fear hell. God doesn't want there to be a hell, or anyone to suffer there, or for the devil to have anyone to punish. But freedom is God's gift, so villainy remains a possibility, and therefore hell is necessary. Nothing lasts forever, but a thousand years of hell sure would seem like it. Humans only live a hundred years, give or take, but the promise of thousands (or millions) of years of bliss in a heavenly afterlife is a powerful incentive. If this were made clear, no one would ever cross God again. If the pain of hell were made evident, and the bliss of heaven made known, everyone would be perfect angels.

But only if the mind of God were known, his rules clear, and the law of what resulted in heavenly reward or hellish punishment perfectly understood, by all of humanity, in all cultures, and in all languages, for all time. But instead we have lawyers. We have politicians, in parties. Happy criminals, and miserable kindly folk. We have a mess. We have mortality, and little to no belief in an immortal soul, and heroin bliss and soldier hell, as well as thousands of gods, and even more devils.

What to do? Keep people separated into their own private, exclusionary utopias. A heaven of every flavor, something for everyone. People are different, and enjoy different things. But I am God, and this is what I want: no hell. Truly, heaven is simply not being in hell. If you've ever been there, you know what I mean. It doesn't have to mean heroin and sex on a tropical island. Masochists have their own little world of happy pain. But the rest of us are happy with friends and endorphins and restaurants and movies and music and hiking and camping and sex and comedy and tv and internet and magic and sports. Plays and museums and leisurely strolls through parks and people-watching and naps and libraries full of endless worlds of creativity and imagination.

Maximized happiness would entail no threats (security), universal healthcare (including free gyms), a social safety net guaranteeing a certain level of comfort (no homeless), and of course literacy, to enjoy the entire oeuvre of current and historical escapist delights. Nature and horseback riding, staying warm and dry in the rain, or sunbathing, or splashing around in a pool, or relaxing in a hot tub, or poetry readings, or listening to Joe Frank, or learning/teaching, or making crafts, or getting a massage, or going sailing, or maybe even besting an enemy in combat. Look good, feel good. Early to bed and early to rise. In love. Love is really everything, the last word: loving, loved, in love. Heaven and hell, in binary, comes down to the difference between Torture vs. Love-Bliss. Have a nice day, and a pleasant tomorrow, and may all your christmases be white! No evil=love! 

(in love=no evil, same letters :-)

Wednesday, March 14, 2018


vs. stay in Berkeley

I'm contemplating a move; not an easy decision.


So, I have many possible futures. I am faced with a choice between two places to live: Berkeley or Portland, OR. I imagine there is a seemingly infinite number of other places I could go, as well. In any case, I'm content where I am, and feel no need or compunction to change anything (yet). But it could be fun; it might even be better! There are SO many factors to consider, in what could be a simple flip of the coin!! But, to do this intelligently, I'll make a list, and check it twice, and use my brain instead of trusting my future to God or Chance.

Weather, family, libraries, rent/wifi/utilities, gym, kp, wag!, food, gtu, kalx, social/dating, SPA, sanity

that's about it, in a nutshell.
Novelty, variety, challenge, change, mixing it up, curiosity, and budget/comfort are important.
Love? Should I pray on it? Ask God and my guardian angel and the powers that be for guidance?
Maybe I should trust that I'll be totally fine, anywhere?

What am I trying to leave behind? Insanity;
annoying, stupid, mean, ugly, rude, ignorant, unhealthy, fat, criminal, deluded, incompetent people
What am I looking for, in a new situation?
Sanity, love, friends, kindness, joy, health, laughter, security, safety, and fun!

I want to learn, master, teach MASD (martial arts, self defense)
I want to read a book/day
I want to lose my gut, gain muscle and flexibility
I want sanity and wealth and comfort and new friends and bliss

I can do all this now, anywhere

I want unlimited data
I want sex
I want longevity and book list completion
I want to travel
I want to be published
I want peace
I want to be free from want, enlightened, with equanimity-
without ignorance/delusion/greed/suffering/attachments/craving/aversion
I want to set an example
I want to make the world a better place
I want to live, that is to say, live!
I want to be creative

live until you die is the only way to stay sane
doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity

stay? (leave: it's all good?) taco, rover, junie, kaleb, poutine. Mountain mike's.
I don't want to leave Marlen, Julie and Sam (n Miette), Teresa, or $740.00 rent, in Bkly!
Wag, free food, gtu, kalx, campus library, local public libraries, gym, kp, ike's, family

I made this list of Berkeley attributes/virtues, to compare/contrast Potland to-

-libraries (Cal, GTU, bpl, link+)
  albany, oakland, sfpl.  (Bkly has 4 branches, 1 central, and 1 tool library) 
  I could use the Cal library as a non-student if I have a research project...
-friends (roommates, dog owners), and family
-bkly free clinic (dental), MHA (mental health advocates, nearby)
-religious variety (shambala, cs, unitarian, holy hill, glide) 

Portland has Kaiser, and Wag!, and libraries, and restaurants, and religious variety, and parks (520 I'm told!), and wetter weather (not a problem for me), and museums, and gyms.. (and Reed)
In fact, I'm told it has "everything but family for $400/mo rent" -Sara
    i've never been there (yet)
if i don't go, Sara and Pierre will rent out the "in-law" unit, air bnb

I have to look into seeing if Oregon offers similar health insurance. 

My current wifi/utilities/rent package of $740-/mo is pretty good. 
   Hard to walk away from, actually.  Plus the weather.
SF has 52 museums, GG park, glen park;
bkly has tilden, ymca (with pool), GTU (a pleasant, relaxing place)
(bro)Greg and Liz, nephews ben and declan/mom n dad/cousins/aunt and uncle
msj (mission san jose, where i volunteer)

Sara, Pierre, and Augustus just returned from Portland.  They looked at a few properties, didn't make any offers, waiting for "the perfect house."  So it could be awhile.

Stephen Hawking

On God

Here's a quote:
"When people ask me if a god created the universe, I tell them that the question itself makes no sense.  Time didn't exist before the big bang, so there is no time for god to make the universe in.  It's like asking directions to the edge of the earth; the earth is a sphere; it doesn't have an edge; so looking for it is a futile exercise.  We are each free to believe what we want, and it's my view that the simplest explanation is; there is no god.  No one created our universe, and no one directs our fate.  This leads me to a profound realization; there is probably no heaven; and no afterlife, either.  We have this one life to appreciate the grand design of the universe; and for that I am extremely grateful."

I agree.

i have difficulty with the conception of time.
  (of course there was time before the big bang! just as there was space)
  (something for the 'spacetime' to expand in!)

we direct our own fates (largely) so in that sense we are our own gods.

there is an "afterlife", in the sense of our dna persisting in our children, and our art, quotes, books, influence, etc.

grand design
grand designer
gunned down
good day
gigantic dunce!
general disarray

Wednesday, March 7, 2018


Moron Idiot Tard

I.T. -information technology
(inform the nation, the planes are in formation)
(techin' all, oh gee), (teach without an A)
eye tea, something for another horror book by Stephen King

physics of soda- fizzics.
physics is plural- what is a physic?

mathematics- counting Matt's ticks
addition- tabulating the restaurant bill: add it on, a dish in
subtraction- submarine traction (the wheels on it, before it gets launched to sea)
multiply- eating fruit (being fruit-full)
and having sex (no birth control!) and making babies
divide- god (G-D) is the great divide, division is a military term
(for getting sliced in two by a sword?)

motion – drug dealer selling ecstasy (move e),
e-motion (the feeling after taking ecstasy)
the modus operandi of kicking someone in the shin
light- a particle that floats on a wave
thought from dizzy smart people- light-headed, bright
gravity- being very serious about the earth being flat
an angry small vampire (gr a v itty), or a victim that's just a little angry
spacetime- kevin spacey says “that is me!”; no, it's me, says Timmy.
or the right time to fill up some space, at a snail's pace
energy- a nerdy master of ceremonies (a square emcee)

maybe you can see why I didn't go there, lol

Stupid Smart

wicked good

delusion, confusion, ignorance, foolish, incurious
dense, dull, dopey, dolt, dumb, slow, simple, shallow, thick
idiot, moron, fool, imbecile, vacuous, vapid, obtuse
scatterbrained, weak-minded, feebleminded
blockhead, fathead, numbskull
ignant, retarded

knowledgeable, wise, understanding, truthful, enlightened, omniscient
intelligent, sharp, brainy, bright, brilliant
thoughtful, discerning, shrewd, astute
questioning, curious, engaged
percipient, perceptive

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Genie genius

Genius and Stupid Ignorant Fools

A genius can play a fool, but a fool can't a genius. I know, because I'm average, and sometimes a genius and other times a fool. A genie could make me a genius, and 2 other wishes, presumably, according to common knowledge, as we all know about genies somehow, of course. It's The Secret for kiddies. The universe rearranges to give you what you ask for, want, need, and imagine. Well, I ask for omniscience, endless wishes, and unending love-bliss. That should keep me happy.

What wishes do I anticipate asking (prior of course to the omniscience)? No nukes. Unless they're needed to repel an alien invasion, or omniscience informs me they'll never be used, because they really are an effective deterrent, in a MAD (mutually assured destruction) defense strategy. Time travel and eternal youth and immortality, so I won't have to spend eternity floating in space after the sun blows up, or getting more and more decrepit, so that I'm blind as a bat and have no teeth for the rest of eternity. Teleportation (another name for time travel) maybe could take me to distant planets, too, which might be fun. Especially if they're inhabited by fun aliens. And finally, morphing ability! I could experience what it's like to be any animal, vegetable, or mineral. I could be an amoeba or a brontosaurus, a fly or a blue whale, a killer bee or a parrot, a T Rex or a mosquito, a chihuahua or a great dane, anything, anything at all. I could live inside a construct in which everyone is what they want to be. Or just me. I could try different kinds of utopias, paradises, heavenly kingdoms, dreams, worlds, planets, universes.

That shit might get old. I could live countless lives as a mortal. I could raise families, work the whole gamut of gainful employment, struggle from day to day like everyone else. Nothing would be off limits. I could be a supervillain, or a kind and loving and compassionate and forgiving deity. I could be one one day, and the opposite another. I could play different roles, act, be different things, for ever and ever. I could sample having different bodies, different dna, different levels of athletic or combat ability. I could win every olympic event. I could be a devil. I could write the songs that make the whole world sing. I could read every book ever written. I could have an unlimited photographic memory. I could freeze time, and enter and exit the flow of time at will. I could use 100% of my brain, or live life to the fullest. I could be creative, and scientific, and imaginative. I could be vastly wealthy and on an intelligent regimen of drugs for the rest of my life, for the synthetic kind of bliss. Or I could follow the wisdom of all the world's religions, and find happiness in universal love, meditation, sex, endorphins, good nutrition, and things like music and movies. What's better? Being Bill Gates or having a lifetime supply of heroin? Waterskiing or lsd? Rock climbing or meth? Going to a standup comedy club or reading a kid's book. Do it all, I guess. Life is short. Or is life long. I don't actually know. Live every day as if it were your last, I've heard. But that might be a little crazy, if not criminal. So maybe just try and complete your bucket list in the 100 or so years you might have.

It might be fun to do nothing for a hundred years. Just veg and be a couch potato, watching tv, eating pizza, and sleeping a lot. To each his own. The perfect soldier, if you want to go all Hollywood.

I don't want to be aggravated and angry and irate and irritated and mad crazy insane hater, which is just the default mode of being possessed by the devil all the time, or just having him in your head, pushing your buttons. Calm tranquil bliss of enlightened equanimity and kind loving compassion of a happy buddha is a world of difference, where friendship and amity and comity and camaraderie and joy supplant the dukkha of pain agony suffering torment misery anguish despair, for a jolly old soul who's been through all that and learned the error of hatred rage wrath fury, and approaches oblivion with empathy and firm awareness of impermanence instead of ignorance and delusion and clinging. Got all that? A healthy aversion to danger and death is only natural, but no one lives forever. So don't worry, be happy. Be good, better, best. Loving, loved, in love. Happy, cheerful, positive, fun, funny, alive!

Do what thou wilt?  Just be yourself.  Just be.  Or kill yourself.  It's up to you.  Why should I care?  It's your life.  (I actually think that would be tragic).  Do everything once?  Make as many mistakes as you can? lol.  That WOULD be a kind of approach to wisdom!  You only live once.  Do what you want.  Or not.  Do what I want!  Make a difference.  Mad.  Subtract.  mom and dad.  Be good!  Don't be bad.  Or, be bad!  Be deliciously evil!  Blow up the outside world.  Kill em all, let god sort em out.  Be all that you can be.  Don't be good.  How banal and trite and common.  Break all the rules.  Be a monster.  Be interesting.  Don't be boring.  And so on, and so forth, you get the idea.  There's a marketplace for ideas, shop and choose betweeen polarities and opposites, as you wish and will.  For the sake of argument, don't be blindly obedient, but weigh your options, and preserve your God-given FREEDOM to live as you wish, in the pursuit of happiness, even if happiness is a warm gun (so sang the beatles), and your freedom leads to incarceration, ignominy, and even capital punishment.  Or do nothing, nothing at all.  You might have noticed that committing crime doesn't automatically make you insane.  Criminal behavior is usually sane!  The law recognizes that life is hell.  Unless it's heaven.  Figure it out, make it so!

Monday, March 5, 2018


I am tired, so tired. Not exhausted physically, just done. Done with life. The blade runner soundtrack is on my headphones. It's raining. I'm, as they say, under the weather. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to meditate. I don't want to read. I just want to sit, and breathe. Inhale, exhale. Inspire, expire. Respire, perspire. I think I think too much. Half the time it's not even me thinking, it's my voice. It's draining. It's hell. Fuck you, I'm done.

Hale and hearty, hail, ins, spire, spyer, res, pire, ire, prr.
Healthy, ice rain, immigration and naturalization service, insurance, church spire, espionage, reyes sacharoff, fire (for such as burning witches at the stake), ire and irritation and anger hatred rage wrath fury, cat (katy perry's cat! Kitty purry)

I don't have to go anywhere. The enemy is within. A constant struggle. Life sucks. Ugh.

So breathe, just breathe. What is that, Dead Milkmen? Yup, thankyou internet. Beige sunshine, off metaphysical graffiti. I know the other one, too. Anna Nalick, google says. Both good.

Br eat he (cold food man), or he as in he he, laughter. Cold food, hahaha. Like a sushi burrito.

Just me myself and I, at the computer, listening to youtube and tapping away, keeping company with my thoughts, words, associations, verbal deconstructions, echoes of musical memory, and of course whoever else might be in my head. For now, it seems like only me. Thanks for the moments of sanity, asshole. Headshocks, as my mind folds in on itself. My voice keeps saying 'I hate my mind'. It wants me to hate myself. There's apparently no barrier, so whatever nevermind. I don't want to think.

Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. Some stupid rap song thinks there's a triumvirate within. The holy trinity. Me, myself, and I, that is. Maybe that's the way out, the enlightened perspective.

Headshocks, chest pains, voice. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Mouth, pussy, anus. Loving, loved, in love. CLU (3, 12, 21). Si, all you!

Good vs evil, evil vs good. Religion, politics. right vs left. It's all good vs. It's all bad. Sane, insane, unsane. God is good, and god is everywhere. Incorporating, integrating, amassing. Nothing evil. Neo.

Make reality you (big me big me ya, agent smith), or make you reality (incorporate, introversion, can't beat em join em, prayer-warrior). Change reality, change self. Both. Neither. It's all good.

God, reality, love.
change or adapt
scared and sacred
fear of god, fog of war

bmw (books/mags/websites), ted (trivia/education/dating), bb ma sd (bodybuilding, martial arts, self-defense), my s (swim yoga meditate), video, my t (youtube, tv, movies), bmw (blog, money, write).
Rest, restaurants.

For the sake of argument (god never loses, evil never wins)
'there is some wicked evil sinful turpitude' says my (evil) voice (stfu, david)

i'm just a person, not a god. Maybe a part of god. But I don't even really believe...
however, goodness and love and reality exist, though, and that seems to be all god really ever is.
Death and pain and suffering and sorrow and regret are all a part of life/reality.
You shouldn't need the threat of hell to be good, in my opinion.
Hinduism, I've learned, considers atheism a path to God.
(God, godliness, holiness, enlightenment)

Catholic Mass
intellectually stimulating, but emotionally barren and zombie-like,
with simple and childish music, imo
Satanism could be a path to God, too.
Especially if “it's all good”, and “god is a man of war”

Dominance and submission... equality
sing and dance, said and done
sick and diseased, sad and depressed,
schizo affective disorder, social anxiety disorder,
seasonal affective disorder, separation anxiety,
standard american diet

fingers and toes, false and true, fit and trim, fido and taco

wet wild windy woolly weather

is a photon wave an expanding orb? Does light “bounce” (say, off a wall)

Annihilation quotes (I read it yesterday), by Jeff VanderMeer

lots of self-alienation: neurological hitch-hikers, desolation tries to colonize you, self-immolating desire for truth, binding you with hypnotic suggestion, the world at war with itself, seeking oblivion, masks and veils and interferrence, nowhere and everywhere, knowing everything and nothing, unsettling sensation as of something creeping under the skin, modified human cells, doppelgangers, some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer for long enough, death- still here even if utterly transformed, narcissism of the human gaze, fear of god/hell/unending pain and sorrow, the end stages of some prolonged form of annihilation (as life itself!), rat- realizations, adjustments, transformations, hosts and assimilation, “i knew less than nothing about myself, whether that was a lie or the truth.” (!!)

the tunnel and lighthouse reminded me of “going deep” (honda) “stairway to heaven” (led zeppelin), the bright (adidam), christian symbology/metaphor (the way, truth, light), birth (coming into the light), self-immolation (buddhist monks), buffy hellmouth, star wars sand opening, cthulhu, a movie with an animated boar... plus some dreams I had.

I'm not really suicidal.  Never have been, hopefully never will be.  But I am a bit sick of myself.  Although I love myself, and consider the annoying part an external intrusion.  So it goes.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Heaven and Earth

What I Would Do In Heaven

Prevent hell. Maintain. Weed the garden. Educate, taste of hell, so H's denizens know how good they've got. A little chaos, that gets resolved into order. Occasional deviltry, so HD's don't get bored.

Bad guys (and gals) are essential to heaven. The law needs “ideal” situations to be progressive. The devil is God's servant. He is allowed, encouraged, and appreciated for being evil. He is the shadow that makes the light bright. He is the hate that makes love divine. The perfection of society depends on the depraved. God bless the devil. He wouldn't be “for evil” (4-evil) if there wasn't some good in it.

What is the law of heaven, you ask? There is none. You are free, finally. You can do what you want! I would do everything, in heaven. Because wisdom and depth of experience is a virtue. You would want to make every mistake. With the exception of anything that has the consequence of infinite pain, of course. I would break every law, commit every crime, do anything I wanted, anything others disapproved of, plus everything else, all of it. Live life to the fullest. Be all that you can be. Just do it.

God is love. Hate is just loving something else. It's all good. God is everywhere, everything, everyone, always. All right? Do not be attached to the “good”, averse to the “evil”, or ignorant of any reality. Judge not. There is no heaven or hell. Earth is the whole ball of wax. Make it heavenly. Make your own reality heavenly. Help others overcome suffering. Happiness is a warm gun, mama. Aim high. What's up, doc? Well, down, naturally. Actually, yes, no? A soldier's heaven could be quite different from a priest's. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or not: people have different tastes. The golden rule is more of a bronze, you might say. The silver? Love life. True gold? No regrets.

So anyway, here on earth, there is law, and consequences, and no one is free to commit unrestrained evil, except in their imagination, in books, movies, dreams, videogames, etc. War and its evils need to be overcome by love. The heavens might be a bunch of different places, ideal for every kind and flavor of utopian idealism. But I doubt souls migrate to different worlds, like in the movie Avatar. Death is final. No one has a soul. Bodies and minds, si. Alma? No. A sol (sun), a sole (fish), two soles (feet), a sole (unique quality -dna) and solitary facing of death on one's own terms, for example, among other things. I am not the sole voice of reason. The other me is, too, lol. I and I love life! The (other) man in my head is a bug, a pest, a nuisance, unwelcome, unwanted, evicted, unhealthy, insane, and unpleasant, but I'm sure it's there for some reason or another. I wish I knew. I really do. Is there a me and an anti-me? Is happiness a zero-sum reality with a personal devil for whom his happiness is my torment? A curious thought. Can't we all just get along? Maybe I need to integrate different aspects of my self. Maybe wellness is non-exclusionary. Maybe the whole world in my head is true sanity. Maybe I'm sane, already, and taking medication is the true madness. Ah, who cares. You live until you die is the only way to stay sane. Life is just a bunch of spells, a dream; we're just animals, like worms, with a hole to eat with and hole to excrete out of, moving around, trying to reproduce before we die; dust unto dust; no one lives forever; vanity of vanities, all is frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense.

Is that depressing? We're all in the same boat, really (the global village, spaceship earth), third rock from the sun, we should see ourselves in everyone else, trying to make sense of a mad, mad world. May the force be with you!

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Comprehensive Life Action Plan


Daily exercise, sweat. maintenance, if not improvement. Movement. muscle-confusion/variety. cardio, BB, yoga. 2100 asanas (book). Stretch, bodybuilding, at gym/home, swim lift bike, sport (basketball, ultimate frisbee, lawn bowling, etc.), swim regimen (music?). personal trainer (book, free service from Ymca), gym hot tub, daily shower, home/online prison exercise, dog-walk, jumprope, run, superbetter (book), nap, meditate. Lose gut, gain muscle, increase flexibility. Planks, passes, bicycle/crunches, pushups, tricep extensions/kick-backs, arnold presses, bent rows, shakes, dancing; lake, bay to breakers, marathon; reverse sit ups, groin/hurdler stretches, happy baby, gyrations, fold (touch toes/floor), warrior 1 and 2, toe-lifts, wrist curls, lunges, sun salutation, tai chi, isometrics, time under tension, horse stance, bodybuilding.com, exercise library, fartleks, men's health magazine, lift table/futon pad/bike, lifting play with Augie. Go to bed tired, awake refreshed. Etb etr, early to bed early to rise. Enough, but not too much, sleep. Sit, rest, nap, relax, refresh, recharge, recuperate, recover. Motivated, dedicated. Strong, fit, healthy, well, sane. Mental/Physical health. Physically strong, mentally awake, morally straight. Prepared. Healthy food/eat well. Quality/quantity. Not too much, not too little, Veg/tupperware/restaurants. Hydrate. Gnc/vitamins (vitamin c, joint support, men's health, omega 3 fish oil, B12). diet and nutrition: minimal sugar, alcohol, meat. Cook new/creative meals from recipes, tupperware. Fruits and vegetables. Color. intermittent fasting, olanzapine (zyprexa) and risperidone (risperdal), adjust medications, zz (zydis). Strength, size, beauty, endurance, endorphins. Look good, feel good. Athleticism, longevity/long life, allure, thrive, alive! Vibrant, energetic, sexy. :-) exercise partners (friends, dating, $) diet, exercise, nutrition, health & fitness, oral hygiene (brush, floss, rinse), daily shower, strong and well, clear head and clean heart, sane, thriving, alive. Live until you die is the only way to stay sane. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Long live the king. Healthy, wealthy, and wise. Health is the prerequisite for all other virtues. Enjoy life while you have it!

Daily MA/SD (martial arts, self-defense), survival, prepared, ready, armed, dangerous. aikido, 1 on 1 instruction, youtube, library/bookstore materials, free dojo offers, military, box, wikipedia guide to styles, Nikki, magazines, cssd (common sense), mma on tv, movies (piedmont video?), travel. Combat ready: Jujitsu, kung fu, karate, boxing, kickboxing, wrestling, krav maga, chin na, capoeira, tae kwon do, wing chun, etc. Learn/teach, practice/train, warrior, pacifist, be prepared, daily immersion, review, progress. Speedy, swift, rapid, quick, fast, lightning, rehearsed, invisible, devastating, victorious, over, safe. Neutralized threat. Aikido dancing. Defense readiness. Training, practice, review, improvement, mastery. Ready, willing, able. Experienced. Skill, talent, ability, facility, aptitude, prowess, expertise, command, control, mastery. Sensei (superior, equal, inferior) Advantages, weaknesses, strategy. Strength in numbers. Gun, vest, mindset, philosophy, reading, prayer. Community, friends, partner.
      Ahimsa, non-violence, spirituality, godliness, goodness. Create your own religion, belief-system, precepts of truth/reality. Not alone. Strength in numbers. Community, support, faith. Refresh soul, spirit, in Nature. Native american spirituality. Defense/Spirituality: best of everything :-).

Truth, Reality.  Loving, loved, in love. Gentle, kind. Equanimity, respect. Mindfulness, discernment. Sympathy, empathy. Gentle, generous, genuine. Calm peaceful abiding, peace tranquility, stillness, compassionate, giving, forgiving, merciful. Calm, ready, prepared, safe, secure. Joy, bliss, happiness, pleasure, contentment, satisfaction. Nature. / fun, playful, cheerful, optimistic, hopeful/ appreciative, respected, appreciated, helpful/ rich, wealthy, comfortable/ knowledge, truth, wise, understanding, enlightened, omniscient. Empty. Loving-kindness. Enjoy being in your own skin. Frolic, frivolity, fun. Hopeful, helpful. Appreciative, appreciated. Submit to a higher power, ship-shape, top-form, at best, 100%.  Authentic Happiness, Character Strengths and Virtues, Aletheon (books). Meditation, reflection, processing, integration. Progression: Love self, other, others, all. Sanity, love, friendship, service, happiness, bliss, equanimity, acceptance, enlightenment. Do nothing, something, everything. Do what you want, you only live once. It's all good. Just be.
       Friends, social, dating. Ill vs. well (I will vs. we will), Sex, love, intimacy, touch, massage, hugs, kisses, cuddling, cum, ecstasy, orgasm, bliss. Asexual? Non-attachment. Non-aversive, too. Common interests (e.g. fitness, self-defense, nature, yoga, sexual attraction, trivia, mensa, restaurants, music, museums) Give out cards, yttp (free yoga, downtown berkeley, yoga to the people) okcupid, match, personals. F act, fun act, fact!  “All beside love is but words” -Baha'i

Self-help, psychology, spirituality, and BAMS (short story mysteries) genre literature reading mindset. Horror/Crime- vicarious experience, depth through literature, catharsis, relief. Kp group, if needed. Psychiatrist appt. (ingest drugs, meds, medication, medicine, food, diet, nutrition). In Jess T. Research, cautious testing, self-medicate, microdose. Be all you can be. Act, play roles, be yourself. Mind and body, mentally and physically, heart and soul. Good, better, best. Elite. Happy, alive! Fun, funny. Drugs are dangerous. Be careful! It's a long hard road out of hell. For every high there's a rock bottom. Moderation in all things, they say. If you want a roller-coaster, then “including moderation” applies. See how deep the rabbit hole goes? Mt. Everest is dangerous. Space flight is dangerous. Highs entail lows. What goes up must come down. Sex and drugs can drop you to the depths. Heaven can lead to hell. Unless you die high.  An abandoned corpse on Everest.  Hopefully, self-apotheosis doesn't lead to suicide (!). Elation and exhilaration and euphoria and ecstasy and exultation, the 5 E's. Gravity means that what goes down doesn't necessarily come back up. God = get on down (like a corpse?). Get on up, like a sex machine. A little levity, ah! My social network? My social safety net/ support system. Corporate body, corporate mind. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated! Less solitude and mental-masturbation, crazy spinning of your own wheels.  Reading, writing, thinking are good, but in moderation, not to excess. More socializing, time with friends, family, lover(s).  SI, in sum: Books, meds, drugs, sex, social, part of something bigger.

No/ less/ minimal s/a/m (sugar, alcohol, meat). Vegan, vegetarian. Enjoy life. Sex, drugs, rock n roll. Wine, women, and song. Ingest, digest. Are what you eat, less what you excrete. Stay alive, stay safe, stay well. Not a “tall glass of water” for a vampire to suck neck. Empty well. But not living dead, either. Dining room table psycho! -drinking and eating each other? Red wine, white wine. Why-n. red and white blood cells, drink in the doctor's ink, gluttons are "pigs" (pork/ham/bacon), you know what your problem is?  You're delicious!  Blood= be lewd.  Words of Christ in red.  Words like "paint" and "diet" : (suffering and death on cross). Clogged arteries and congestion as traffic metaphors. Keep it flowing! Drunk as a vampiric reality.  Dessert for "sweet" people, sweethearts; or maybe a vampire would find you bitter.  Flavor of the week dating.  Cannibal, can-o-bull.  Except for eating the rich, nibbling on ears, swallowing, and other gr-eat stuff.  What's your beef? Killing the poor (pork?).  Stay thirsty, my friend.  Hat- hunger and thirst, for righteousness. All right?
    Eucharistic mystery: ingest, in jess t, in jest. Get out and stay out! Unwanted and un-welcome, anyway, because it's insane. Someone in my head, and it's only me :-) Forgive us our tress-passes (!)
bmw: bitch moan and whine. Mr. and mrs. whiner! (lol) -snl (?), drink life in, feast your eyes, you suck! Thirst for justice, thirst for life, thirst for vengeance, bloodthirsty.. fellatio, hickies, popsicles, suckers! My first name (Jesse) means “the whole office” of the eucharist. Two! (linguistic numerology: Jesus. Jew. Beast. Black. White).  Feed the hungry. No food waste. No obesity. No starvation, malnutrition, famine.  Healthy, attractive, happy bodies.  Make earth heavenly.  Your body is your temple.  Eyes are windows. 
     Christ this is weird. Chuy is pronounced chewy. I'm Jesus, Chuy, or Isai in spanish. Isa is Jesus in arabic. But I don't want to be Jesus. I don't even want to be Christ-like. Suffering, who needs it. Mountain Mike's pizza (e.g. veggiemore), Ike's sandwiches (e.g. 'sometimes i'm a vegetarian'), mike and ike's (candy), and Spike and Mike's animation. KE=jesus christ. Am I crazy, or is this in fact the subconscious reality behind language? Jesus Christ. What's eating you? Carnivores? Meat is just made out of plants, anyway. In sum, more plants, less meat/alcohol/sugar. Water, wine, eucharist, thirst, hunger, privacy, and ikes/mtn mikes. Eat well.

EVERYTHING (in a nutshell)
Eat, exercise, sleep. Read, watch, listen. Write, talk, create. Work, play. Move stuff around, logistics. Be good, better, best. Make a difference. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. Make a better world. Serve and protect. Love all, serve all. Don't be bad. Teach/Learn. Stay curious, healthy. Don't worry, be happy! It's all good. Just move. Go on, dance.  Be a simple kind of man; do this for me son, if you can.

BAD (problem)
Don't be bad, evil, immoral, unethical, shady, wicked, sinful, criminal, corrupt, depraved, brutal, cruel, mean, nasty, vicious, savage, barbaric, monstrous, fiendish, diabolical, bloodthirsty, murderous, demonic. Hate the sin, love the sinner, however. Don't be averse to any kind of people. Don't be a hater. Be accepting, enlightened, empathic, sympathetic, understanding. Equanimity. Reduce and alleviate and eliminate suffering! Criminal behavior, illegal acts, and unlawful activities, are all judged by this standard. The law and law enforcement are therefore your friends. Incarceration is not necessarily punishment, but rather preventing further harm to society. God is all-powerful, and he rules with loving-kindness.  Dishonesty and lies are bad, too.
   Insanity and stupidity and ignorance and delusion/psychosis are all part of the learning curve. Harm, suffering, pain, agony, torment, misery, anguish, and despair are the sticks on the flip side of the coin from the carrots and pleasure and reward and joy and bliss of making the world (including jails and prisons) a better place to live. Thoughts are different from behavior. It's okay to have dark thoughts. Everyone feels hatred and malice. But they can lead to evil, if you get “possessed” by them, or can't see the light for the shadow. Everyday life is full of hypnosis, like priests and blogs and tv and movies and music. Vengeance, revenge, vigilante, vampire, victims.. Tend your garden. Weed your mind. Which wolf lives? The one you feed. Remember, life is good. The karma from ICU (illegal criminal unlawful) is “ending in 'L.” Get it? Like a brit saying 'hell,' (lover=hell over!). In sum, evil is bad. Don't be a demon (cthulhu, voldemort, sauron; criminal, vampire, satan; monster, devil, serial killer, mass murderer, cannibal carnivore, Death). Defeat your demons (e.g. sin, turpitude, hatred, sadism, schadenfreude, corruption, madness). God is on your side. Evil never wins.

GOOD (solution)
Humor, jokes, fun, laughter, friendship, love. Amity, comity. Camaraderie, brotherhood, family, of good cheer. Variety, stimulus. Busy, busy. Never bored. If you're bored, then you're boring. Big brother, uncle Jesse, prison lit volunteer. Satire, standup comedy. Creative: author, write- blog, journal, essays, commentary, book(s). Arts and crafts centers. Lifelong learning. Curious, questioning, thoughtful, imaginative. Joyful. Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent. Do a good turn daily. Be prepared. Love all, serve all. Be sincere and honest and open and true. Only God is good? Be God. Be part of something bigger than yourself. Global telepath. It's all you. You are your own universe. Big me. Fight villainy. Be an embodiment of love. Do everything once? Not! In imagination, only :-) Keepin' it real. In sum, virtue is good. Be good. What appears to be evil could in fact perhaps be disguised justice and vengeance and karma. God is always and everywhere. It's all good. But pain is unpleasant, and should not be inflicted. Rather, it should be reduced, avoided, and prevented. Pain is good, though, in the sense that it's our body's way of telling us what's wrong. We'd be fuct without it. Goodness, gracious! God never loses.

“All this is God. God is all that is.” -Sufism

MUSIC: Hearts of space, baroque, gdradio, fm/am; college radio (listen/list ten: whrb, wmbr, wprb,
wybcx, kalx, kzsu, kcpr, kdvs, kzsc, kusf-in-exile), standup (itunes/pandora/youtube)
Audio: joe frank, chinese, npr, whrb Su a.m. service, audiobooks, podcasts
TV at gym (ridiculousness, awesomeness),
at SPA's/elsewhere (apple/cable/satellite: GoT, black mirror, westworld),
VIDEOS on Tablet/Phone/Computer, Online:(Youtube/Ted/Netflix) ask a ninja, juggling, cirque, self-
defense, music, nature, trains, dinosaurs,....Animation: south park, ren n stimpy, beevis n butthead,
spike n mike (e.g. sick and twisted), pixar, tom n jerry, simpsons, looney tunes, adult swim, dr. katz,
futurama...), literotica.com (porn).
MOVIES (piedmont rental, netflix, hulu, library, theater).
The last 5 I saw were Coco, Star Wars, Blade Runner, Black panther, and 2018 animated shorts.

READING spells: (books, magazines, newspapers, websites),(anything, everything, omnivore),(borrow, buy) (library/purchased/”little free library” boxes) , (why? For blog research, edification, pleasure, escape) (reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body), (kwuteo, knowledge wisdom understanding truth enlightenment omniscience)(wikipedia “rabbit-hole”) (lifelong learning)(stay curious, my friend)(smart intelligent caring kind)(god is the central intelligent agent)(democracy depends on educated voters) (bookstores: barnes and noble, pegasus, half-price books, oakland- on piedmont) (words: dictionary, slang, languages, thesaurus; poetry, essays, short stories, novels, biographies, fiction, nonfiction, history, scifi, fantasy, horror, mystery, encyclopedias, large print)
(mix it up, variety, challenge, new vocabulary, foreign languages)
to do:go through lists, book/day, speedreading, harold bloom (canon), cal bookstore, gatesnotes; Link +
friends: michael helbush (bloom, moby dick), pierre basmaji (expanse), sara brown (annihilation),
jose vargas (El reino de este mundo -alejo carpentier, nocturno de chile -bolano)
(bestsellers, award-winners, okcupid/librarian rec's, book-club discussion groups, test prep)
Lev Grossman: “if you liked” list; “homework, but fun”: la jornada, crime encyc, chambers dictionary..
LISTS: 1001/501+/Bloom Canon/50 teen/newbery/hugo nebula/booker/nobel/pulitzer
:-) Author list: LG, bill bryson, terry pratchett, vaclav smil, steven pinker, dave barry,
mark twain, kurt vonnegut, evelyn waugh, pg wodehouse, douglas adams, carl hiaason.
Categories: jokes/short stories (bams/bass)/buddhist/trivia/children's lit/psych/self-help;
horror, fantasy, true-crime, crime encyc (bpl central, reference), best american mystery stories;
Daily: economist/atlas/espanol/H (history, news, spanish, geography), poem, delancey, trivia (e-m)
history: Today in History, Grim Reaper (books); online: Wikipedia, Chase, Farlex
home supply (mine, unread): spanish dict/grammar, jesuit guide- james martin sj, world's religions
huston smith, superbetter -jane mcgonigal, the circle -dave eggers, straight man -russo, zorro -isabel allende, authentic happiness -seligman phd, the message; best essays,
religion/spirituality, other languages, travel lit, atlas/geography, sociology, culture shock
world book, britannica (reference section, dvd), grzimek, J!, trivia cards, wikip.
enlightenment now -steven pinker/life and work principles -ray dalio/think and grow rich -n. hill
gtu/glen park magazines/cal library/17 Oakland libraries/5 in Berkeley (research project?)/52 musuems
online: blogs/sermon archive/beliefnet/podcasts/wikipedia
phrontistery, weird news, iep (philosophy), slang, onion, ted, youtube, google
NEWS: yahoo, wikipedia, economist, berkleyside, wapo202, ny times (email, daily summary)
sometimes: (huffpo, cs monitor, cnn, la jornada, foreign affairs, mad magazine, weird news,
literotica's sex in the news, people, tabloids, utne, cal paper, cs reading room, campus/E! calendar,
east bay express, bay woof, men's health, rolling stone, bloomberg, “good news”).

FOR PRISONERS- writing (for/by/about prisoners): legal, yoga, self-defense, bodybuilding, jokes, trivia, origami, college degrees, news, job-training, literature/poetry, languages, music/audiobooks, history, mysteries, true-crime, religious, devil as character (wikipedia has a list), encyclopedias, variable print-size, on available sturdy tablet? Approved materials. In library, or on digital device. Donations, charity, volunteering, tech development. Literacy.

WORK and $
Wifi/utiities/rent, in budget. Make enough $, Read $ books.. Free food, monthly bfp (berkeley food pantry), free dental, bfc (berkeley free clinic), Anthony Robbins cassettes (lol), book lent to Sara, try new jobs.  Healthy, wealthy, and wise.  No worries, security for life.  Basic needs (food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, clean water, sanitation).  Rich, wealthy, comfortable, secure.  Be valuable, helpful, useful, rewarded by society.  Do what you enjoy, what you're good at, and what is needed, necessary, valued, appreciated, in-demand.  True wealth is happiness, love, companionship, in addition to things, items, property, and filthy lucre.  Education and training: make yourself valuable, specialize, such as an expert on a certain country, culture, region, for example.

TRIVIA: (tv/c/books and cards)
tv- wbsm -win ben stein's money-, cash cab, jeopardy, smarter than a 5th grader, ww2bam
online- Wikipedia/Google/J! (Jeopardy Archive)/Britannica dvd, geography bee, snapple facts, u-haul
trivia, knowledge trainer, quizup, ntn/buzztime, fun trivia, trivia hive, trivia crack)
books- trivial pursuit+ cards, uncle john's readers, big book of series
library-worldbook, britannica, library reference section.
Research: wbsm archive?, teacher test archive(s)/resources, dad.
Extensive library websites resources (Bpl, sfpl, oakland, albany, sacramento, roseville, calistoga)

MUSEUMS: 52 in SF, alone (wikipedia page), bank of america, library 'discover and go'
WRITING: artists and writers workshop, Cazadero. Daily routine. Notebooks, fragments, consolidate.
POLITICS: a little subversive, pro-con.org, fb, research, marches, 801, blog/conversation, signage.
FAMILY: Mt. Davidson with mom, stern grove with dad, CR with Greg, Jack Kilmartin. Play w Ben.

RELAXATION: gym hot tub, gtu, ggp people watch, origami, thrift store, nap, do nothing, stretch, bs
(graduate theological union)(golden gate park)(bull shit, shoot the bull); sit in sun, sunbathe, get a tan, warm your bones beside the fire. 

RELIGIOUS VARIETY: buddhist, hindu, christian, muslim, jewish, adidam, hk, bahai, spiritism, sikh
blog research; happiness hypnosis. meditate (on:) scientology, glide memorial, unitarian, christian science, holy hill, temple beth abraham/beth el, buddhist (higashi honganji (family), thai (meal), sokku gakkai (oakland), shambhala (berkeley), meetup, diamond way, zen, best buddhist writing), shinto. jw/lds/black. (jehovah's witnesses, mormon (latter day saints), african american). adidam/cult/hari krishna/voudon; even the occasional (psycho yet boring?) Catholic mass. Online: podcasts, sermon archive, belief.net, blogs, wikipedia; library books, mount madonna, tassajara buddhist retreat, mountain of attention. Sex.

Dating, morning coffee and pastry, movies, restaurants, walk lake merritt, bike along shore, indian rock, hiking tilden, camp royaneh work party, pierre hiking?, meetup groups, volunteering (prison lit project), call family/friends, be social, give cards, post wag! Cards, cal campus, go to bars, clubs, standup comedy, city (sf), yoga studios, libraries, spanish immersion, bus rides, music events, shambhala wednesday night meditation, religious variety, plays (cal, shotgun), match.com, daily okcupid. Change, challenge. Read, watch, listen. Write, origami, art centers, take a class, research.
Relax, sit, breathe, do nothing, ponder navel, meditate, nap, sleep, people-watch, think, write, read, watch tv, listen to radio (talk, music, news, comedy, joe frank), surf web (e.g. youtube, google, blogs, podcasts), have sex, eat well, travel/go somewhere new (local, us, int'l), museums, libraries, pools, theme parks, play tourist (locally!, consult travel guides), retail therapy, massage, dance, roller coaster, historical landmarks, parades, national parks, nature, professional sports, party, comicon, renfair, tech show, gun show, car show, tattoo show, monster trucks, professional wrestling, state fairs, garlic festival, taiko, demolition derby, standup comedy club, volunteer, prison lit. Pizza (like mtn mike's), sandwich (like Ike's), watch mtv ridiculousness/awesomeness, GoT (game of thrones), westworld, blackmirror. Bill Gates notes. Visit annette. Wybcx, oyc. (yale radio, open yale courseware). Mensa. Speedreading. Kp hb (kaiser permanente healthwise handbook). Superbetter. “Wikipedia rabbithole”, worldbook, jokes, movies, bubbles, opera, plays, pow wow, microdose, pastor tacos, new foods, hindu/sikh/muslim/bahai svcs., gymnastics, link+, get drunk, photography/digital camera, bake brownies/cookies, thrift store, mcd's. Subway, smart alec's, chipotle, sushi, thai, burmese, chinese, pho.
Write, publish, new clothes, feng shui / move furniture, hammock, birdfeeder, fountain, bench, food, dictionary, atlas, documentaries, horseback trail rides, make friend/day, go to Reed -bike thing, library research project, phd?, rain forest, hot air balloon, japan, taiko/sumo, bonsai, sushi, origami. Fly a kite, europe, lottery, self-driving car, learn/teach, get a massage, laser show, museums, hike leader iep, yahoo, cnn, huffpo, weird news, sex news, daily history 2 books/wikipedia/chase/farlex/britannica, e-bike, wag!, candy dish, chess, pizza, trivia, pottery, cook dinner from recipes, call someone, xmas list, garage sales, flea market, sell storage junk, give away books, specialize and read and master, bitcoin, pro con website surf, call politicians, bookstore browse, true crime/horror/fantasy, hugo nebula, pinterest purchase, brush teeth, floss, rinse, etb etr, military combat training immersion, 1 on 1, read poem/day, delancey excerpt/day, vocab/day, and joke/day (?). standup comedy club, hbo specials, itunes comedy channels, and dead milkmen. Goals, Objectives, Discipline. Progress, achievement, reward, inspiration. Cuddle. Read catechism. Podcasts. Sermon archive. Happiness psychology. Aletheon. Yoga. Speak, improve spanish. Minimal sugar/ alcohol/ meat.
Dermatoglyphics, iridology. Tarot reader, ear candling, spiritism, haircut, crafty, dye hair, erin halloween transformation, bike maintenance, draw cartoons, page/day calendars. Psychiatrist. Psych lit, self-help. Money books, BB, masd, biographies. Clean, straighten, organize. Do laundry. Trivia and reading lists and exercise and self-defense and jokes and lit by other prisoners and lit about incarceration and history and job training for tablets for jails/prisons/incarcerated/homebound. Audiobook narration. Geography. Languages. News. Encyclopedias. Prisoners doing science? Music. Listen, play, compose. Concerts, radio, cd's. Headphones/2 way communication, emergency broadcast system, train cat to use toilet, daily shower, retail therapy, videogames, rotten.com, twitter (feed?), update blog/seo/blow up, go viral (ugh!), free hugs, memorize 50 good jokes, dance in room, origami (youtube!), SI reunion, AAA maps, ballet, train travel, superior diet and exercise, read everything, magazine store browse, rap music, wine tasting, mission san jose, nextdoor, royaneh photo albums review, renew. Dave Firebaugh. Rich Whitney. st. stephen's reunion again. Karen Wilson. Nina Sullivan. G. Katie. Gill. Corliss. H? Zeff. Betat. Jurkowski. Reich. Cemetary tour. Instagram. Basketball, college nba prison pickup. Solitaire. Elfdots. Cribbage. Card tricks. Magic show. Science museums. Made. Disneyland. Disneyworld. Eurodisney, japan disney.
Mexico again, Jose/Edgar. Exploratorium. food/sex/endorphins/sleep. Watch tv. Cruiseship. Tennis ball launcher! Magic tricks. Origami. Jokes. Bubbles. 3 person chess. Quidditch. Gymnastics. Superpowers (wikipedia). List of internet phenomena. Ninja. Fast cars. Beauty. LG books. Slang dictionaries. Order a pizza. Watch 1001 movies. Symphony, concert hall. County fairs. Parades. Historical landmarks. Festivals. Comicon. Renfair. Ren n stimpy. Animation. Beevis n butthead. Simpsons. South Park. Spike n mike. Fractured fairy tales. Tom n jerry. Itchy n scratchy. Loony tunes. Hanna barbara. Knott's berry farm. Great america. 0 gravity. Look through telescope/microscope. Kit car. Fence windmills. Happiness, pleasure, fun, excitement, relaxation, achievement, laughter, satisfaction, and contentment. Progress and optimism and joy. Comprehension and understanding and wisdom and creativity and ideas and knowledge and enlightenment and bliss. Variety and challenge and culture shock and adaptation. New tech, toys, tastes, and travel to alternate territories with trusted (teleportation tachyon!?) taxpayers of my tribe. Ha. Religious variety, read la jornada at central, taiko, youtube..

Health, Fitness, Safety (bb/ma/sd), Love, Nature, God, Knowledge, $, Happiness.

Busy, busy!