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I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 900 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Sunday, March 29, 2015


Right and Wrong
Principles to keep in mind when formulating one's own Morality:

Without God, all is permitted -Dostoevsky

There's no UTM (universal theistic morality), when everyone is their own God...
I have my opinion, you have yours. 
I have my family, my religion, my upbringing- you have yours.
Brain chemistry and experience differ, between individuals.
there are saints and psychopaths, sociopaths, the amoral.
Even laws differ, from one society/culture to the next.
Some "Gods" have bigger corporate bodies than others.

the law in heaven vs. the law in hell?
good morality vs. bad morality?
sets of rules- better and worse?
my opinion is better than yours: logic, rationality, truth, evidence

the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do to you.
or, stated differently, don't do to others what you don't want done to yourself. (although G.B. Shaw said don't obey the gr, because people have different tastes) (aside: the real "golden rule" is he who has the gold, makes the rules)

your freedom to swing your fist ends at the tip of my nose.
self-interest vs. utilitarian most good for the most people
"all right,"  do what thou wilt
the main law being Don't Get Caught (!)
compassion and empathy, putting yourself in the shoes of the other-
the principles of equality and equal rights, justice and fairness, dictate morality
(right and wrong thinking, speech, and behavior)
the difference between illegal, criminal, unlawful
the difference between ethics and morality
"objective" evil: 4 cases-
1. torturing babies
(which seems to admit that there's less of an argument against the morality of torturing adults (!)
2.i would also say creating hell or 3. sending someone there, are objectively evil. 
4. and I also really really dislike nuclear weapons. 

the common denominator is pain and suffering, torment and trauma, agony misery anguish despair as bad, sinful, wicked, evil, wrong, unjust, unfair, immoral, unethical, criminal, unlawful, illegal turpitude.  Can't we all just get along?  also, premature/unnatural death

life is good! thou shalt not kill-
i think abortion is wrong.  you might disagree if you believe life has no value.  but if you, as I do, consider it killing your own baby...
a painful and premature death vs. the loving act of adoption-
a misguided, sociopathic and selfish act, needing forgiveness

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Am God, Dogma

a female dog is a bitch

maintaining the dogma of being god can be a bitch, sometimes.
dog ma, get it?

my symptoms are hs/cp/v
(head shocks, chest pain, voice)
i've had these for years, experienced repeatedly daily.  f.u. 

-i think of head shocks (aka "brain zaps") in line with "the ice" in the book Neuromancer.

chest pain
-chest pains are virtual, I believe.  it's all in my head.  i have a healthy heart, so it's not heart attack.  i don't even think it's located where my heart is.  i used to think of it like a vampire getting staked in the heart, or my heart getting "broken" (in a different sense, i.e. like breaking a code), or even as "a bleeding heart liberal."  Whatever it is, it's unpleasant, unwanted, and a daily reality.  Maybe I'm feeling others' pain (or an indication of their pain)?
cp is communist party, capital punishment, too.
h.a., no laughing matter.  (why is there ugh in laugh?)

the voice is telepathy.  it's contact with my "source."  I used to think it was David Andrew Eldridge.  Much improved from what it was, quieted down significantly.   I attribute this to my meds, mainly.  But maybe David has improved, too (because of my voicing back responses? such as shut up, leave me alone, fuck off, that sort of thing)  Or I've been conditioned to where he wants me, perhaps. 

I hope and pray and strive for the day when I'm healthy, have no symptoms, and am free to be who I am, thinking whatever I want, unmonitored and free from daily psychic oppression.

Because I mentioned to my psychiatrist that i considered my symptoms to possibly be mind control (i.e. punishment/ negative reinforcement, for specific thoughts/words/deeds), I am categorized as a Paranoid Schizophrenic.  And all this time I thought I was Schizo-affective.  Which itself I thought was having both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, but apparently is something else...   I don't think of myself as paranoid at all, though.  Nobody's out to get me.  And of course, "You're not really paranoid...if they're really after you" -Nirvana lyric.  Well, the pro-choicers probably want to neutralize me, and the Republicans, too, because I'm down for helping the poor over the rich...I'm not excited about ANY of the presidential candidates, so far.  I don't like Hillary.  And Warren is pro-choice.  Generally, I'm surly recently, thinking everyone are idiots, and I just want to be left alone.   To be politically incorrect, the world is full of fucking retards. 

There's a difference between thinking my life is in danger, and considering it possible that people with varying political views from mine want to neutralize whatever power I might have to sway public opinion.  Maybe that's too subtle a distinction for my psychiatrist.   Whatever.  Doctors can be retards, too.

Thursday, March 26, 2015


pondering stillness

3 forms:
in your environment
in your head
in others' heads

the voice in your head could be:
you, your conscience, your subconscious, or telepathy...

i dislike tv noise in the background,
and i really abhor (most) commercials.
i dislike having to suffer fools
i prefer a quiet library
i want to get better at reading without vocalizing,  in my head
i take meds to silence The Voice (tv!)
meditation works
putting thoughts on paper/blog, externalizing them
taking a nap

(medication, meditation, and the mediterranean!)

mental anxiety:
change what you're doing, get out of your head, such as
take a shower, listen to music, go for a walk, exercise,
or tell tv to shut up and leave you alone, take meds...
maybe pray? (a socially acceptable way of talking to yourself)
(i don't: if god exists, he doesn't want to hear you, he knows already)
talk to another actual person

Sunday, March 22, 2015


jester, that's me, Jesse T!
Jesse L, jealousy
je suis, I am

teshara, t' share..

and, weirdly:
Sara: necessarily, ceremony
Greg: gregarious
Larry: hilarious (Larry T, hilarity), Mr. T, in his lair
    BHS, black hole son
Ellen T: excellent

am I a necessarily excellent gregarious hilarious jester?

some other name-related thoughts:

vicki, v- icky
jim, gym
erin, ireland
peggy t, egypt*
pat h, path, p at h, pa trick
rose, aunty christ, a rose by any other name!
(St. Stephen, with a rose, in and out of the garden he goes! -GD*)
tom, uncle tom.  tomorrow, tom are O.
jeannine, jean's in her name, and 9, too. (is there a 9th gene?)
LT, lake tahoe ->Steve Teshara
baby Bibi (Benjamin; I hope you like jammin' too!)
debbie, little debbie snack cakes
stephanie, step up, funny
annette, a net riddle (trippy name, no? fish, internet, rid)
(a trip to eugene OR, eugene and eugenics, lidder/leader)
dangerous dan!
elizabeth, el/liza/beth (I know an Ellen, and an Izzy (pron. i-z))
     (and there's a jewish synagogue in berkeley called beth-el)
    "Jacob named the place where God had spoken with him Bethel "
-it has 'hel iz a bet' in it, which prompts me to think of Pascal's wager, too.

*Grateful Dead (lyric)

*more than just egypt-
also, my mom is Margaret (prefers Peggy)
which evokes PG&E, PT cruiser, PT boats
ack cross- :-P  tTt (!)
Marge Simpson, Peggy Hill, Peggy Bundy...
margaret: m art rage, r great ma!!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

funny thought

if God is everywhere

you could worship anything, to the same effect!

all hail my comfy chair!
praise be unto my alarm clock!
go out to love and serve Joe Pesci!
may my left big toe be with you!

we worship you, we praise you, we give you thanks, oh my ipad mini!
allelujiah, amen, hosannah unto the highest, oh Berkeley YMCA!
and, of course, don't forget eucharistic sushi!

sweet tooth

my weakness: junk food-
diabetes, obesity, tooth decay! (but yummy)

refined sugar, high-fructose corn syrup (the evil shit)
candy, ice cream
(e.g. it's its, ben and jerrys, cinnamon/gummy bears, swedish fish)
cookies, cake, pastry, donuts, baklava
soda, chips

less is more (for the budget, and for health)
be sure to brush and floss!
may the force be with you.  (willpower -just say no!)

the cafe at the san leandro library has amazing $2 chocolate chip cookies.
me gustan las paletas, tambien.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

current reading, and update

RIP, Terry Pratchett (as of 3/12th)

I was reading him, when he died (!)
I have, checked out from the library, 3 TP books:
-Thief of Time (finished yesterday)
-Lords and Ladies
-Reaper Man

and 2 war books:
-Redeployment, by Phil Klay
-Generation Kill, by Evan Wright

(my life of late, by Jesse L Teshara)
(my dad used to say "my day, by Larry Teshara" every evening at the dinner table)

both babies in my life (A and B) are crawling now
(Augustus and Benjamin)
my rent, I worked out, is almost a dollar/hour
(but it doesn't work that way)
am applying for low-income housing in the east bay
(but I like where I am)
thurs kaiser group met outside, for a change, in the sun, which was nice
i'm having dinner tomorrow night with SPAM in Oakland
(i.e. Sara Pierre Augustus Marcel)
still playing the lottery, against all odds (!) (maybe i shouldn't)
am living within my budget (by virtue of mostly free food)
am mostly vegetarian (although i still eat meat when served it)
i saw the movies:
Big Eyes, Hobbit 5 armies, American Sniper, Birdman, Kingsmen
(Birdman kind of deals with schizophrenia, in a funny way)
(Big Eyes with Brooks, Kingsmen with Theresa)
i have a dental appt on 3/25th
gloria's 29th birthday is on the 29th
my blog just hit 12,000 viewers yesterday!
(all comments are always welcome, and encouraged)
folks, i must ask, do i have a cult forming  in Redmond?

Devil Lit

(from wikipedia)

Many writers have incorporated the character of Satan into their works. Among them are, in chronological order:
I've read Good Omens, The Master and Margarita, The Lord of the flies, The Scarlet Letter, Young Goodman Brown, Faust, and Paradise Lost.
All, very good!

Saturday, March 7, 2015

"The Nature of Existence"

2 things I learned from this library movie:

1)"Particles in fact don't exist.  And so...at some level we don't exist"
-Dr. Steve Biller, Physicist
(electrons, for example, are "bumps" in a "field" of spacetime)
huh?  more explanation required!! mind-blowing, if true.
this quote was on the dvd jacket, one reason I checked it out.

2)Religion is a product of the "security of infancy"
This is a Freudian idea:  The adult belief in God is a result of programming of the unconscious while we are babies.   It works like this:  We cry for attention, and our mom or dad appears, to comfort us and give us love.  This happens thousands of times: someone"magically" appears to help us when we cry out in need.  So when we're older, we do the same thing, but now through prayer, usually.  It's just conditioning.  So religious adults are basically big babies, it sounds like he's saying.
-makes a lot of sense to me

a few other ideas i took from it:
g.o.d.: "good orderly direction" (god sounds like 'guide')
"don't inflict your path on others."
"joy is one's nature, you just need to de-husk."
you can look outward for meaning and purpose, or inward.
the same area of the brain that lights up during sex or cocaine (neurotransmitters), also brings happiness when you do something good for someone else.
Compassion and Honesty are at the root of all other virtues.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

I've Got Religion!

(sort of)

I've come to understand religion on my own terms:

-a way to have community, centered around Goodness 
-a way to make good of evil
-another method of social control (conformity with the morality of the priest, the church hierarchy (the pope, especially), or "submission" to an imam or whatever, dogma repetition for sheeple)
another layer of value inculcation, besides parents, law, peers:  sin and confession, work ethic
-a way to make sense of our minds, explained simply
 (such as in terms of souls and prayer, rather than telepathy or schizophrenia)
-a reassurance that someone is in charge, knows what they're doing, bears responsibility.

Justice, karma, reward/punishment:
-Your sins are forgiven.  Go, and sin no more. 
 (the perfect criminal justice system, in my view)
-a hope for life after death, immortality, utopia (heaven)
-a promise of justice, when the legal system doesn't seem to work, or be enough. (e.g. circles of hell)

unfortunately, it's usually another instance of
in group/out group, superiority/inferiority, truth/delusion, (if not understood as a dichotomy between outright good/evil)

My understanding of God is just goodness, in the aggregate: the goodwill and love in the entire human community, across place (and some would say time), which is wrongly defined (but more easily understood) as a single being.   God is an easy way to understand the goodwill, charity, and love of (mostly) strangers. 

Also, there's the Most Powerful person (or perhaps Entity/space alien) in the world/universe, who may or may not be moral, and that changes, like an alpha male gorilla.  This is where Death enters the picture, because the power to kill is the most powerful act.  I suspect very few people actually believe in an afterlife, or in anything but oblivion.  But it's a good story for the kiddies, I guess.

Mostly, God is a word and a meme, that -like Santa Claus- seems real and has real effects.  The belief in ghosts and souls gives hope and something to look forward to at death, and the belief in prayer makes the schizophrenic normal, as well as erodes the concept of privacy, when your dreams come from a Source, and when your thoughts and behavior are being monitored, so be good for goodness sake (because whoever's in your head may have the power to make your life better/worse)!

Thursday, February 26, 2015


today's topic: thinking, feeling, behaving 'well'

you can drink from our well, ha

clarity, lucid, eloquent (express self well)
non-symptomatic (no v/hs/p)
or ignore/don't react or engage w/ voice (resiliency, bounce back)
free, can think anything (options of thought)
creative, curious
tranquil, calm, peaceful, relaxed
(not frazzled with stress/anxiety/worry)
linear (left-brained)
(not fragmented, scattered, going off-topic, derailing, circumlocutory)
global (right-brained)
positive, optimistic

clean, endorphins, tired (at end of day)
happy, cheerful, light (vs. heavy)
in the moment (not anxious or depressed, about past or future)
awake, alive, aware
more open to change, not in a rut, pleasantly challenged
"blood flowing", "all systems go"

(things to do TO feel good, or WHEN feeling good)
active, productive, engaged, structured, busy
balanced (with breaks, rest, naps, meditation)
wake early, don't oversleep
yoga, exercise, walking (e.g. dogs), music
eat right, proper diet:
less/no meat (good for health, environment, animals themselves)
less refined sugar (avoid diabetes, obesity, tooth decay)
drink water
"as if" (if unmotivated, just do it)
smile: also, just do it, causes mood elevation, itself (they say)
connection, being social, meals with friends(fb doesn't count)
humor, laughter, levity, jokes
go outside, plan out day (nature/structure)
take meds, no alcohol/drugs
do chores, keep commitments, go to shop/store
stuff: get organized, de-clutter, clean, straighten up
hygiene: shower, brush, floss 

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

list of -icides

an abbreviated list

the full list is at:

homicide, suicide
matricide, patricide, fratricide, sororicide, uxoricide, parricide
herbicide, fungicide, insecticide

parricide is of a close relative

there are actually words for this:
omnicide (everything)
mundicide (entire world)
ecocide (the natural world)
populicide (all people)

infanticide, aborticide, feticide
senicide (old men)
regicide (king)
hericide (lord or master)
tyrannicide (tyrant)
deicide (god)
biocide (life) (then again, how could you kill anything else?)

hosticide (enemy)
comment:  Jesus is the lord of hosts, right?
so that's what host means... (jesus as enemy! or lord of enemies)
The eucharist is called a host (eating the enemy!)
and, my name, JESSE
Jesse, (eating J, from latin), "the whole office of the eucharist,"  elucidated:
J is the tenth letter, which makes me think of say ten (satan),
God is One (10 becomes 1)
(i am a bit hostile to hostess)

ambicide (friend)
vaticide (poet or prophet)
philosophicide (philosopher)

monstricide (monster!)
gianticide (giant! watch out, SF baseball fans!)

spermicide, cytocide (cells), microbicide
schizonticide (malarial parasites) (same root as schizophrenia??)

non murderous -icides:
fideicide (killing a faith)
famicide (reputation)
menticide (mind/brainwashing)
ethnocide (culture)

Monday, February 16, 2015

Happy President's Day!

(President of the World)

I would rule the planet, making contact with the space-aliens!
(Who should be president of (our chunk of) the universe?)
j/k: leadership isn't necessary, I think. but fun to think about.
I identify with earth more than the USA,
and also with animalia (more than humans, demons, gods, etc)
we're all just animals, like chimps or dolphins, but
with culture, speech/language, bipedalism, big brains, opposable thumbs, technology/tools

I would lead by example, getting strong and quitting vices.
Mr Universe.  Vegetarian.  No smoking.
japanese aikido/indian yoga/tibetan meditation ?
empty the jails and prisons: mass pardon!  set everyone free :-)
(send them all to Australia, again?)
global volunteer work: basic needs met for all.
(clean water, sanitation, food/water/clothing/shelter, healthcare)

reverence for life:
no nukes, no war, no capital punishment, no abortion.
all books available to everyone, in every language (digitally?)
no borders, freedom of speech, freedom of movement, freedom of religion
no laws? make your own justice? no crime.
no militaries, no police, no guns, no gangs

idunno.  i'm crazy.  it looks good on paper (to me, anyway).
president, a brand of cheese
pre/sid/ent: pre- vicious bug!
happy pd!

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Pope Francis, I disagree

“You cannot provoke,” Pope Francis said on Thursday. “You cannot insult the faith of others. You cannot make fun of the faith of others.”
Though he defended the principle of free expression and paid lip service to the notion that violence is always wrong, he warned “you can’t make a toy out of the religions of others.”
“To kill in the name of God is an aberration,” Francis said. However, he added that it was natural for those who have been insulted to lash out violently.
“In freedom of expression, there are limits, like in regard to my mom,” Francis continued. “If he says a swear word against my mother, he’s going to get a punch in the nose. That’s normal.”

My response
Yes, you can!  Satire, criticism, creatively playing with and redefining religion, is Good and Holy, even!  God is a human construct, Religion is all about Goodness, and is one big Toy to Play with, in the unending quest for improvement, betterment, growth, change, and love, laughter, and happiness.  Pushing people's buttons can be good.  The religious bits on comedy central are usually the best, in my opinion.  The scientologists call it impinging, part of process toward perfection.  You take the best out of every religion, and get closer to Enlightenment, Nirvana, a heavenly society, a utopian world, the Goal, Truth.   But that's just me.  You may now feel free to insult my mom in the comments.

On my mind

Isis and Islam

First off, f you, Isis.  You can all go to hell.  War is hell, so I guess you're already there.  But I wouldn't mind you assholes suffering eternal torment, of the afterlife variety.  Which we all know won't happen.  But it should.  Killing people make you feel big and strong?  I thought your religion respected Jesus.  Did you even give those 21 Coptic Christians you killed in Libya the option to convert?  Allah, the merciful, the beneficent?  How f-ing dare you, you murderous thugs.  You are a stain on your religion, you are not good!  Those weren't soldiers, those were civilians, which makes you mass murderers, serial killers, common criminals.  You should rot in hell, as they say, which would basically be a lifetime in a prison cell, which is what a civilized criminal justice system metes out to losers like you.  Death would be too good for you.  I don't believe in capital punishment.  You should have 80 years of torment!  A lifetime of pain.  Because THAT's what's real-  Not a harem of virgins in paradise.  Maybe big Baghdadi's got some bitches on the side, but that's as close as you'll ever get.  Karma's a bitch, and your stupid Islamic State's days are numbered, just like everybody else on this stupid planet.  Live by the sword, die by the sword.  You want to die?  Keep provoking us.  You guys aren't very smart, it seems to me, suicidally instigating your own demise, trying to stay in the news with sensationalist crucifixions, burnings, mass-beheadings.  Like a bad horror movie.  You can get the same thrill from video games, if that's what you're after.  You don't have to transfer your own personal hell to the world at large, which deserves better.  You don't have to make your issues with powerlessness in a religion that means 'submission' result in an orgy of violence.  You already have power.  You don't have to prove it by victimizing unbelievers.   Justice should be your receiving a miserable, unpleasant lifetime behind bars.  I might have respected you, if you did it right, and weren't barbarians.  God knows Syria and Iraq could use improvement.  Everyone has the right to live.  Every body is at the center of their own universe.  All are God.  Allah is as good a God as Christ, Buddha, Adi Da, or even Shiva, or could be, if you made it all about love, peace, respect, kindness, virtue, happiness, progress...  But although it's probably too late for you punks, I'll pray for you anyway, on the off chance you can make something good out of your "caliphate", and actually make a better world, which I assume you poor misguided "souls" think you are trying to do, anyway.  Everyone has a dark side, but a true religion extinguishes brutality and elevates comfort, peace, health, happiness.   And if you don't step up, I, one of the 7 Billion Gods on this planet right now, will turn my will against you.  I already have, but God is forgiving, right?

An Interesting Link

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

When's Day

Moths and Daze of the weak

mon!day. (come to Jamaica, mon!)
Two's day (a day for pairs or couples)
When's day (today's sunrise to sunset, 7:04a to 5:44p)
Thirst day (vs. a vampiric night thirst)
Fry day (an egg, or perhaps in hell)
Satyr day (or satire-day, if you prefer)
Son day (if history is herstory, you can call it Daughterday)

clock: claw-k (eagle's claw kung fu?)
thyme's up!  (like missile-toe)
do not be alarmed!

Janet is an Aries
Febrile brew airy (the scent of a weak beer)
March! (a month for soldiering on)
Ape earl (peerage for gorillas)
May (yes we can!)
Jewin' (at the sin-agog?)
Jew-lie (such as Jews are god's chosen people)
August (so serious, formal, dour)
Septic embers (burn the outhouse down to the ground)
Octopus brr (in cold water)
No v ember (all burnt, when the vampire is exposed to sunlight)
De-semper (not always a marine)

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Another Mess of Jess

Hello. Hell Oh? Greetings. Gr Eatings? Hi. High? Hey. Hay?

I speak doublespeak. Eye dew. Forked tongue, like a snake. Snakes don't speak. They hiss. Sibilant speech speaks slytherin...I am Jessssse Tessshara. Jesssse Lawrencssssse Tesssshara, to be precssssicssse. Csssertainly not Jessssusss Chrissst.

Like letting air out of tires. Or hissing one's vitriolic disapproval. Or getting attention: pssst! Over here! There's a flow to it, like pissing. Anger, pissed off. Like urine, you're in, and yelling ow, because it's yellow. You're all the rage. On the rag. Like Ragu pasta sauce. Pasta, like a past A in some school of fish. Noodles in your swimming pool. A pool shark at billiards. You've got balls. Maybe you're out in the garage. Openly homosexual in a gay-rage. Listening to Phish, eating phish-food eye scream, or maybe the foo-fighters. Ssssss. I cannot tell a lie. Wait, that's Washington. Dubya told a whopper. Eating president cheese at BK. Drinking the blood of the vine in your VW. The btk killer at BK (without the t). What is the price of t in China? I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.

Death is hated, rearranged. Head T. If you're mental, you're mad. Cross. Madness is what you think, how you think, the fact that you think, or maybe are always are thinking. The consciousness con. You don't want Hannibal Lecter in your head, as they say. There's someone in your head, but it's not me, sing Pink Floyd. Ping goes the submarine, in the Roger Waters, flo-ing. Mad because they call you insane, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sane in the membrane! Hugs, not drughs. Just say no. What floats your boat, in the Seine. Thinking about thing ink. Object-oriented program language? Thinking makes you the thing king. We are living in a material world, sings mad material-girl madonna. Through thick and thin. Thick Buddha is happy, they say. Ignorance is bliss. Knowing, biblically, well that can be pleasurable, too. You're mind, the ice, thawing with thought. Break the ice, mining the mind, eventually breaking hearts and causing pain, like a cypher, breaking codes and getting everyone's number. Time's up when it has your number, they say. There's birthday and deathday: what will you have on your Tombstone? Pizza toppings at Infinite Thai (it's a restaurant). Time flows between birth to death, every moment connected by a stream of consciousness, whether inky blackness of sleep, dreaming, prayer, thoughts, speech, writing, or looking out a car window (at one damn thing after another, as they say of history) ad nauseum, or listening to song after song, reading book after book, from door to door, window to window (of opportunity); daily life's process of selection between possibilities, options, choices. Maybe too few, maybe too many, maybe without a guide. Life flows from birthday to birthday, month to month, week to week, day to day, in repetitive routines and of course the fated necessity of dealing with what life throws at you, always doing what you have to do, ofen experienced as a lack of freedom. A dizzying array of too much freedom, and an inability to choose activities, dates, supermarket food choices, whatever, can leave you frozen. Justice, just ice. Global warming and hell and disney's frozen and immigration and customs enforcement and Isis all come to mind, which itself is called ice in Neuromancer, like OJ in concentrate, ponder that. Making waves. There's always a bigger fish.

Authors eat their words with tongue on their forks. Lengua, the mexican burrito of choice. Or maybe alphabet soup. Or maybe the author wrote a cookbook. Don't mind me. Nevermind, says Nirvana. All right, if you ceso. GM: grey matter is no laughing matter, unless the general manager of general motors is a fungi. The church babyroom, quiet room: Shh! I'm growing shrooms! Robert Plant sings to his vegetables, but the tree made no sound when it Fell.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Uncle Jesse

side note: my USA hat was made in China!

Sunday, February 1, 2015


Heavenly: the good life

love sex baby family
money success comfort
school learning curiosity
knowledge, understanding, truth
happiness joy bliss fun games
laughter jokes smiles frivolity merriment
movies, music, magazines
books, reading, escape, wisdom
stimulus, library, museums
computer, phone, tablet
media, tv, radio, news, shows
food, drink, restaurants
nutritious, delicious, quality, quantity
comedy, dance, theater, sports
altruism, basic needs, charity
toys, property, things, stuff
house, car, pool, gym, pets
travel, variety, new languages, nature, experience
healthy, fit, strong, well, sane
busy, productive, efficient
wealth, prosperity, affluence, money, income, riches
job, career, dreams, ambition
motivated, dedicated
god, gold, glory
achievement, victory
rested, relaxed
pure, clean

Saturday, January 31, 2015


caution, adult themes/strong language

Ahh, bloody hell. It's a fucking abortion hurricane in here. Body parts, spatter, slippery smear. The remnants of released rage, controlled fury. What the fuck am I looking at. Horror. Scenes that can never be un-seen. Women and children screaming. Men committing suicide. Crazed maniacs tearing each others' throats out with their teeth. Babies thrown against walls. Madness. Sporadic gunfire ratatat-tatting, exploding skulls into bits of brain, seemingly everywhere. But this is not war. War is hell, they say: This is worse than hell. War has a logic, a rationale, goals, objectives, victory. But here, this place, there is no rationality anywhere, save maybe what little remains for survival, in a world where life will never be worth living again, of that you can be sure. There is no going back. Everyone is for themselves. There are no sides. Trust no one. An ongoing tragedy, with zombie-eyed, empty, lifeless victims in shock, tears, pain. I am one of them. I cannot help anyone, not myself, nobody, no one. There can be no consolation, no remedy, no healing, no wellness, no recovery, reparation, or undoing. I am helpless before a power greater than myself. God is said to be love, but God is dead. The only love here is a sadistic love of inflicting pain. Cold hatred and suicidal vengeance rule. The devil has demanded justice. Combat, once elegant, has degenerated into a fright-fest of inexplicable savagery. A crime scene of mass cruelty and torture, hatred of life, unadulterated evil, hopeless despair and longing for death. Death, the price of sin. Vengeance is mine, sayeth Darkness. And he wants apocalyptic annihilation. Hell always comes as a surprise. Death is merciful, but there is no mercy here. The Darkness is never satisfied.

The devil
Inexplicable, you say? Meat is murder, as any child knows. I quote the bible: Thou shalt not kill, the price of sin is death, and vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. God is a man of war. As you know, from Sun Tzu, the art of war is deception. Hell is heaven! Hahaha.
Wickedness and evil, once considered banal, I have justly made exceptional here. I am proud to say I have created the absurd heights of extremity, regarding turpitude, far far from the normality of carnivorous delight, and its background of mostly unseen animal apocalypse. A horrible business, that. Abattoirs are the modern holocaust. Despicable humanity will have its due. You, unfortunately, are not one of the exceptions. Welcome to hell, good sir. You can expect torment, continuous and unrelenting, in the form of the all-consuming fear of our random process of doled out agony and suffering, and of course the expectation and certainty of unrestrained and viciously painful lethality, unleashed on the guilty, the deserving, the rotten, the brutal, the criminal, the sources of misery and anguish, reaping their just desserts. Justice is sweet! The icing on the cake, I dare say. Mmm, flesh. You guys are so good. Your pain is delicious. You know it's fair, so prepare to despair!  Now for justice: Let the torture commence!

loss of control, incarceration,
with simultaneous gloom, nausea, pain, fear
madness: head shocks, chest pains, intrusive and unwelcome voice
hatred and suicidal ideation

Friday, January 30, 2015

common sense

what are the senses, o sense-say?

We have 5 senses but there are 16 extra ones that not many people know about and they are :

5:sweet taste
6:sour taste
7:salty taste
8:bitter taste
9:umami taste (meaty taste)
12:proprioception (joint position)
13:kinaesthesis (movement)
16:blood pressure
17:blood oxygen content
18:cerebrospinal fluid PH
19:plasma osmotic potential (thrust)
20:artery-vein glucose difference (hunger)
21:lung inflation

VAST amounts of books

telephony and bibliophilia

Verizon, Att, Sprint, T-mobile
What ever happened to the band Visual Auditory Sensory Theater?
I bought a cd of theirs a long time ago.
hey, vato.  waddup, g
vatog: visual auditory tactile olfactory gustatory
(the fancy way to list the 5 (main) senses:
neurologists list anywhere between 9 to 21 (!) senses)

this is my current book list (12), on deck:

Case Against the Supreme Court, by Erwin Chemerinsky
Cleopatra, A Life, by Stacy Schiff (recommended by A. Glover)
The American Heritage Spanish Dictionary
The Chambers Dictionary (10th Edition)
National Geographic 1000 Events that Shaped the World
That Book of Perfectly Useless Information, by Mitchel Symons
A Game of Thrones, by George RR Martin
The Book of the Bizarre, by Varla Ventura
Are Lobsters Ambidextrous, by David Feldman
How Does Aspirin Find a Headache?, also by Feldman
Your Pinkie is More Powerful Than Your Thumb, by Mark Di Vincenzo
National Geographic's An Uncommon History of Common Things,
    by B Patrick and J Thompson

and, of course, there's my 1001 list I've been neglecting, to get back to...

Sunday, January 25, 2015



darth vader says ho...brrr.
berkeley is brrr..chilly
rolling stones sing, i'm so hot for her, but she's so cold!
justice is just ice
brrrgers are delicious, but it's a cold thing to do to cattle.
what's your beef? burgrrr.
meat in buns, ew that's not sexy at all.
frozen is a disney movie
mr. freeze played by ahnold
the ice guy from the x-men
cold-blooded killahs
co-ld, company lethal dose (evokes murder inc., a metallica song)
ah-choo! people have colds.
global warming makes some places colder, they say.
chili is delicious, and chile is a country.  i scream iced cream.
chill-dren, chill out!  take a chill pill!
a look that chills me to this day..
ICE: immigration and customs enforcement
police is pol-ice, another form of ice.
ice, ice, baby!  and Ice-T
Isis....ice sis
isometric exercise
dry ice, blue ice
mice, lice, dice, twice, trice, suffice, nice, price, rice, vice, splice
malice, chalice, Alice (callous, phallus, Dallas, Tallis scholars, valise)

Saturday, January 24, 2015


pain and hatred

buddhism has its work cut out for it.

war, killing, murder, death
pain and suffering, torture
misery, anguish, despair
anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury
peace, mercy, kindness, compassion
charity, feeling alive, clean
happiness, comfort, joy, pleasure, fun
love, forgiveness

I really don't  think it's all good.  or god is everywhere.  or evil doesn't exist.
or that I shouldn't have aversion to the former, or attraction to the latter...

what say you?
is nonexistence equal to existence?
pain is only temporary, and this too will pass?

Nietszche (I learned from Philosophy Talk) believed Jesus needed love to such a great extent that he created (the concept of?) hell for those that didn't love/follow/believe him. 

I'm not sure, but I'm leaning toward a desire to have the devil burn in hell.
My voice, David A. Eldridge, says he's the devil, and I'm inclined to agree.
He causes me real suffering, torments me with headshocks/chest pains/ unwanted (telepathic/schizophrenic) voice.   
Whoever sends someone to hell, deserves hell themselves, I've thought earlier.
As long as incarceration is hellish, I'm against lawyers for prosecution.
To extinguish my own suffering, do I need to accept his rotten presence in my life?
He won't relent.  I hate him.
I hate the pain, the voice, and my mental illness/taking meds.
I feel possessed, the victim of mind control, and unjustly punished.
Fuck you, David, and go to hell, you piece of shit bastard.
That's really how I feel.  Just leave me alone, all right?

You would think that if you experience hell, you wouldn't want others to go there.
But the opposite is often (usually?) true, I guess.

Friday, January 23, 2015

recent entertainment

an update

I've seen 3 movies recently:
The Hobbit (5 armies), Big Eyes, and American Sniper

2 bands:
Pablo Cruise, at Yoshi's (on the 17th)
Celtic Fiddle Festival (coming up, Feb. 12th, at the Freight and Salvage)
(i won the tickets from kalx and kzsu)

Jesus is better than you imagined, by Jonathan Merritt (1/15th)
I just got a new Spanish-English dictionary from Amazon.
I started The Case Against the Supreme Court, by Erwin Chemerinsky

(I've fallen behind in my book/day goal, but I've still been busy)

update (2/26/15)
from my recent trip to Auburn:
I saw the movie 'Kingsmen' at the theater in Auburn, CA with T
I saw the movie 'Paul' on tv
I went to a Roller Derby in Sacramento
I ate a jellyfish salad at a Vietnamese restaurant
I took Amtrak bus/train round-trip (they have wifi!)
I walked a trail overlooking the canyon with Bruce
I walked with T and Gracie (the frenchie) a couple times
We took Gracie to the vet
had dinner at Pat and Ron's, left with leftovers.
got froyo outside Rust & Ruffles, across from 'mancave'
ate the veggie (patty) sandwich at Subway, with cookie

Thursday, January 22, 2015

A Good Day

today's topic

A good day, for me, is:

busy, structured, productive (but maybe also includes a nap)
-wake early, rested

 -exercise (usually at the Y, sometimes twice), progress:
    You sleep better after a good swim, is good to keep in mind.  The doctor says you should "sweat every day", which is why I do the stationary bike for cardio.  I bicycle everywhere, too (with a helmet).  I want to lose my gut, get stronger, and gain endurance.  Fit, strong, healthy, well.  Physical health contributes to mental health.

 -good food ("eat right", which for me is less/no meat, minimal candy/soda, and includes the 3 vitamins: vitamin c, omega 3, b12, as well as nightly medications [olanzapine, risperdal], and a scoop of gnc protein powder a half-hour before exercise).

-read the daily NY Times.
-read a book-a-day, too (can be a children's book)
-good news (in the paper)
(like the cnn heroes feature, the end of a war, or good economic news)
-lots of blog visitors, blog comments
-learning answers/ a new word, vocabulary
-stimulus: music, movie, magazines

-time with friend(s) and/or dogs
-okcupid contact
-email from family, friends

-non-symptomatic (no pain, voice, shock)

-win lotto!
-make money
-give to charity

-pleasant weather (i like rain in addition to sunshine)
-beauty, nature
-good mood

-go to sleep tired
-good dreams (nightmares are therapeutic, they say,  btw)

(I don't need all these things, to have a good day, but the more, the better)

yoga, meditate, relaxed, positive, happy, peaceful, walk, hike, cook
zest, variety, thrive, play, discover, learn, lose self, flow
make others happy, service, charity, jokes
toys, stuff, shopping, presents
safe, creative, win, clean
love, romance

Sunday, January 18, 2015

terror stats


since 9/11 ('01), Muslim-linked terrorism has claimed the lives of 37 Americans.

compare this with:
In that same amount of time, more than 190,000 Americans were murdered.
30 Americans are killed each day from gun violence. 
3 women/day are killed in domestic violence, in America.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

5 Thoughts

hope they help.

a. a really close friend, who you also have sex with
b.a feeling, an attitude toward the world, toward life, toward everyone

God is dead
a.when a loved one dies
b.when you don't love yourself/your life, or don't love anyone/life.

is good, and telling the truth is virtuous, no matter how reviled, and by declaring my personal truth, I am being Godly, even if it consists of atheistic self-apotheosis.  To play the role of God is to share truth.

GD can stand for God, Global Development, good....or gravely disabled.
Or a "good day."

"There are no strangers here, only friends you haven't met yet." -W.B. Yeats

Friday, January 9, 2015

Deluded Jesus

His crucifixion was not God's will

It certainly wasn't HIS will, I'm pretty sure of that!
And Christians seem to think he was/is/is part of, God.
In the battle of good v. evil, I would say the devil beat Jesus when ol' J died.
Why would Jesus' Dad want his son to be crucified?
Maybe Jesus sinned in a major way, and deserved crucifixion?
Was Jesus guilty?  
There are no answers to these questions: it's ancient history.
I'm not sure I care, to tell you the truth.
It seems like a raw deal to me, and maybe a warning for any would-be Lords, Messiah, Christs, or Gods out there (like me?).  I'm ignoring this, and will continue to speak/write my mind.
What would Jesus have done if he wasn't killed?
Would he have healed everyone?  Ruled the world?  Had a family?
Some people think he's in space, alive, immortal -with the aliens presumably- before he returns to earth at some point to resume where he left off.
I think it's kind of silly to repeat every Sunday your belief that Jesus is ascended into heaven and sitting at the right hand of his father, like an immortal that doesn't move, out in space.
I also believe, once your dead, resurrection is impossible- it's kaput, you're life is over.
Back to oblivion, nonexistence, like you were before you were born.
But some physicists believe we live in holographic universe, with 11 dimensions, or something.
I don't claim to have a clue about either of these suppositions.
Do we live in a hologram?  Are we holograms?  Why do they say that?
I live in Berkeley, which is named after a bishop/philosopher who believed the world was the physical manifestation of God's dreaming, if I remember correctly.
This is interesting, if we're all God!

I was thinking there are 3 competing concepts of light out there:
(from the sun (plasma), from fire, from lightbulbs)
1)a particle, the photon, like a billiard ball or a bullet, that is a quantum -a discrete amount- of energy, travelling through space at the speed of light, bouncing off things, and being absorbed, and causing different colors, depending on what it hits.
2)a wave, like sound, or maybe the ocean, that experience constructive or destructive interference, when it interacts with other waves, lapping on the shore of our eyes.
3)a "ray" of light, which is different from a particle or a wave, because mathematically a ray is a line that goes in only one direction, travelling straight (a line goes in both directions).  It's kind of connected to it's source, I guess is what I'm saying.

4)hm, there's also the light in our heads, that we see when we dream.  are those photons?
5)Adi Da said he was "conscious  light", which is a bit difficult for me to wrap my head around, because there's confusion and uncertainty about what light is, as well as what consciousness is.
6)For example, does it have weight?  After all, it's called "light"!!
7)How does /would it push a "solar sail"?
8)Can inanimate matter have consciousness? A rock? Is the sun an organism? (I just saw a tv show -Dr. Who- with that premise)

I was thinking about the phrase "all right" today.
Clearly, not everything is right.
Nuclear weapons, for example, I think we can all agree on, are a travesty and should not exist.
I overheard someone recently say, "you have to be willing to destroy the world in order save the world."  I disagree, although I see what he's saying (MAD, mutually assured destruction, provides deterrence).  Global disarmament is possible (even with distrust, or without universal goodwill).

I got an email from Barack Obama today, entitled "tell the president what's on your mind" or something to that effect.  And then, after I got excited about writing my thoughts, I was given a list of topics to choose from.  WTF?  F.U. Obama.  That sucks.  That seriously pissed me off.  I'm not one of your damn sheeple, alright?  I had something I wanted to say, and wasn't allowed to say it.  Seriously?  Yes we can?  Ugh.

To demand other countries disarm, without doing so ourselves, is hypocritical.  We have no right to demand Iran not have nukes, without disarming our own.  I mean, duh.  Isn't that obvious?  Are we secretly endorsing the nuclearization of Iran?? Are we all the devil's sheeple/pawns?

Anyway, is killing an ant the same as nuking a city?  Or vice versa?  I was thinking about how ants respond when they find a dead ant, and how they go all nuts, just like how France got crazy with the recent islamist terrorism.  Ant-hropology conjurs ants, too.  The universe is infinitely big, so in a way, we're not very different from ants.  SF, across the bay, has The Giants (baseball team).   A law professor at Davis said to "squash them like bugs," in a lecture there.  Solidarity with the animal kingdom might imply we not want to kill germs, though.   Did Jesus kill germs?  With his right hand or his left hand?  We're all going to die.  We're all dying.  The entire universe.  Every star will go black.  No diamond is really forever.  Forever is a mighty long time.  Death may be hated, but it's the universal fate.  Like oingo boingo says, no one lives forever!  We're like bubbles.  You're gonna pop.

 When people say "all right," am I supposed to chuck morality out the window, and accept all the horror and violence as somehow good, (as it presumably is, for the perpetrators).   Evil is everywhere, banal, commonplace, as evidenced by war, abortion, and meat, in addition to crime.  If love is the answer, then we have to love the devil, too.  Every single one of us, the devil inside, as they say. 4-evil is the code behind the word d-evil. If you think about it like that, killing doesn't seem as bad.  Thou shalt not kill is the commandment.  But time kills all.  And vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord.  The price of sin is death.   And swatting a fly is pretty easy, and some people are more annoying that flies (to me, anyway).  I have no compunction about stepping on a cockroach.  But they don't throw you in prison for killing bugs.  The word police makes me think of P.O. lice (pissed off lice).  You don't want them in your hair.  But we all should serve and protect.  That's a noble goal and profession. Governments should step up, and eliminate nuclear weapons, a'ite?

Today at Kaiser, the art therapy group I go to had the topic of problem/solution.
Here's what I came up with:
problems: unhealth, boredom, money, peace, anomie, addiction, ignorance, rut, unhappiness, imperfection, and evil.

exercise, good nutrition, meds, hygiene, cheer/laughter, meditation, right amount of sleep.

friends, books, music, volunteering, movies, news

frugality, work, charity, ssa/ssi, lottery, inheritance, gold-digging

outlets, diplomacy, victory


support, rehab

wikipedia, books, magazines, libraries, schools, teachers, science, curiosity, writing/research, google.

variety, nature

extinguish greed, hatred, delusion; sex, good food/restaurant dining; fun/play/games; service

practice, creativity, discipline, improvement

law, morality, religion, justice, connection, communication, compassion, leadership, virtue, example, integrity, kindness.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Happy New Year!

Wussup, Redmond! lol.
Another 584 million mile journey of the earth around the sun completed!
Did everyone make a new year's resolution?

Mine was to floss.
I'm maintaining last year's still, which was 'early to bed, early to rise.
I'm reading a book/day this year, which I'm happy about.

I've read:
1)Fluent in 3 Months, by Benny Lewis
2)Border Patrol Nation, by Todd Miller
3)Thud, by Terry Pratchett
4)El Cazador de Tatuajes, por Jevenal Acosta
5)Stuffed, by Glenn Eichler and Nick Bertocci
6)Lost in Translation, by Ella Frances Sanders (today's read)

tomorrow I hope to finish
7)Pyramids, by Terry Pratchett
on deck also, from the library as well, is
8)el guardian del tiempo, por Mitch Albom, and
9)cuentos de eva luna, por isabel allende

None of these are from my 1001 list.
I'm trying to read lots of Spanish so I can reach mastery level this year.
I'm also reading the daily NY Times, and hitting the Y.
Sweat, every day.  I weigh 200 lbs, which is much better than I was.
I want to lose another 10, gain muscle, and lose the gut.
busy, busy!

I won tickets today from kalx to Pablo Cruise at Yoshi's on Saturday, January 17th.
My mom tells me today is the anniversary of the day I was baptized.
Crazy how she remembers these things!
I walked Fido and Taco today, and gave Julie and Sam a (belated xmas gift of a) jar of ginger paste, because we love the ginger paste tofu at the Thai restaurant downtown San Leandro, so now they can make their own!  I bought a sushi burrito today, from Sushi Secrets, downtown Berkeley.

So my new year's routine is daily BEN (book, exercise, ny times)

I really like my new room, by the way.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Peace Declaration

from a psych unit:
globalized, applicable to the planet-

"(Anywhere, your place here ______) is a safe place to heal.  Everyone in this community, no matter what our role, plays a part in creating a safe place to heal.  We all work with peacefulness to heal and recover our lives.

We will always treat each other in a nonviolent way- free from harmful actions and words or threats of harm toward ourselves and others.

We will seek ways to peacefully communicate to resolve disagreement.

We will always treat each other with respect and dignity, to honor each other's individual uniqueness, and to be aware of the power each of us has to enhance another's hope, security and trust for the recovery journey."

Thursday, December 25, 2014

xmas gifts


I gave:
-3 bathroom readers (each different), from the ashby flea market,
to Hernan, LGBT, and SPAM
-a toy wooden train, to Benjamin (from Marshalls)
(it's categorized as an age 2+ toy, is it a bad gift for any reason for a 7mo old? -slightly worried)
-a set of cards/stationery (pictures of Yosemite), from a Bkly used bookstore, to mom
-another (4th!) jokebook, from Barnes and Noble, for dad
-I forgot to get a gift for Erin + Dan (!).   It was just Erin's birthday, too.  missed both.
-I also need to get something for uncle/aunt Tom+Jeannine, who I will see on Saturday.
-a ritter chocolate, for Rose Marie

I got:
5 gift cards, 2 books, and 1 game.
-$30 regal cinemas -from J+V,
-$25 amc movies -LGBT
-$20 starbucks  -M+D
-(2) $25 Trader Joe's -M+D

-National Geographic's 1000 Events that Shaped the World
(about 400pp, lots of pictures, like a coffee table book, history) -M+D
-Lost in Translation, an illustrated compendium of untranslatable words from around the world, by Ella Frances Sanders -D+E

-IQ Twist (multi-level logic game, 1 player, 120 challenges) -M+D

-and of course, a delicious dinner, and fresh oranges to take home.
-last night, x-mas eve, I went to Holly's chinese restaurant, in Oakland (on Piedmont) with SPA and Pierre's dad, Peter, a retired math professor (5 dishes, family style, brown rice, tea, fortune cookies, i ordered spicy eggplant).  They gave me a bag of homemade cookies, too, to take home with me.

thank you, everybody, for the thoughtful gifts!
The 12 of us who came to 801 for dinner were:
(Larry, Peg, Greg, Liz, Ben, Jesse, Jim, Vicki, Erin, Dan, Hernan, and David)

hope everybody had a nice holiday.
I have an invitation to a nearby kwanzaa celebration, tomorrow.
my new year's resolution is to Floss!
Vote Vicki Hennessy for San Francisco Sheriff!

things i want to buy:
air purifier, chess set, aletheon (book by Adi Da), camping stove, canteen, water filter/purifier, binoculars, umbrella, aikido lessons, speed reading lessons, tesla automobile, gun, cirque tickets, comedy club tickets, babadook movie, apps for my ipad (SpeakorTreat, SpeakaLegend), winning lottery ticket!

i would also be interested in tech (smartphone? apple watch? google glass?), if I could get one question (answer) at a time from the J! archive site.  that would be really cool.

Ideally, I want to raise a family, travel, and have a home/house.  Not sure if that's in the cards for me.  Hope so!

Monday, December 22, 2014

psych jokes

psyc ha logy
happy Ha! nukkah:

1.those blue diamond truckers really drive me nuts!

2.i fell into a french river, and now I'm in-seine

3.a guy wearing nothing but saran wrap walks into his psychiatrist's office:
she says, "I can clearly see your nuts" (you're)

4.how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
only one, but it has to really want to change.

5.a crazy person walks into a dentist's office.
he says, doctor doctor you've gotta help me, I think I'm a moth!
The dentist says, you need a psychiatrist, I'm a dentist, why did you come in here?
to which he replies, The light was on!

6. (riddle) what mental illness does the entire planet have?
well, there's a north pole and a south pole: so, it's bipolar.

7. doctor, doctor I keep having the same dream: first I'm a wigwam, then i'm a teepee.
well, it's clear what your problem is: you're two tents! (too tense)

8. The motor city madman beds a lunachick, which crazy Jay-z thinks is 'insane in the membrane' and Dr. Dre considers to be a symptom of schizophrenic insanity.  Ted Nugent demands a second opinion!  The doctor replies, "Okay, you're ugly, too!"

if you know any others, please submit my omissions!
(skittles-o-phrenia?)(nuttiest phone company, mci -mad crazy insane?)
(sanity of a manatee?) (gone fishing? out to lunch? outsane?)
(toys in the attic? lost his marbles?)
that's all i've got! help me out here.

Sunday, December 21, 2014


We could all use God's presence

Love could come from anywhere, so prayer is accessing this anonymous font of assistance.
(even strangers!) .
for example,

in my life, healing would be helpful for my aunt RM, uncle Jim, cousin Patrick..
(and me)

and senescence creeps up on everyone...alcohol can be problematic...so can money...

death and suffering is universal, unless maybe if you're a buddha.
(and thereby extinguish suffering through absolute acceptance of reality (literal: all right?)
no craving of life, no aversion to death

simple sitting

cravings: food, sex, warmth, comfort, safety, kindness...
happiness, money, drugs, music, stimulus.
karma (justice?) good for good, bad for bad: suffering for victimization
aversion: (negative craving) death, suffering, old age, disease

I just read a collection of jokes by Isaac Asimov:
no. 704 (pg. 327)
"Personally, I think it's the great god Hypocrisy that rules the human race.
      I heard a speech recently in which the speaker explained that when the United States nuclear-bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki, those acts ended the war and saved countless lives, which made it quite obvious that using the nuclear bomb was right.
      I raised my hand and said, "Suppose the Japanese had discovered the nuclear bomb first and had bombed New York and Washington.  Would not that have ended the war and saved countless lives?  And would that be right?
       The speaker hesitated a moment, then said, "It depends on which side you're on.
Exactly, I said.  So don't be sure of what is right and what is wrong."

(not exactly a joke, is it?)
I was thinking, recently: who cares if we would all be speaking German if the nazis won ww2.  I have nothing against speaking/being German.  We value being mellow, easygoing, laid back, going with the flow- so why fight?  Anything can be changed from the inside, right?  War is just plain stupid, and I believe always will be so.  I imagine I'm in the minority on this one.  I don't care.  Go ahead and die for whatever cause you're willing to die for.   I don't care about that, either.

Merry Xmas

or Christmas, if you prefer

'Tis the season to be jolly!

mini-streams of consciousness/word-association:
Jelly bellies, jolly Bollywood, jello pudding
rape rope, let 'er rip, ripe for reaping, riposte...the rap rep rips rupert
giles, gilberto, gilchrist, kathy gill-t, guilty, cagey, kg
walls, walmart, walgreens, wall-e, wales, whales, wails
law, jack, chad, lawton, ley, lay, le, frito, france, ellen, ln, french
frog-men, navy seals, cpt. phillips, tom, toronto ottawa, montreal
jail, prison, jl, person, purr sun, kat starr,  cat, catholic catechism
covington, coveting, willie mccovey, covert, cove, coven, cover me
covalent bonds, barry bonds, bondage, hostage, host, eucharist
cannibalism, is-m?  mmm, mcdonalds.  mickey d's.  mouse,
mickey's, beer, root beer, alcohol, al gore, al madrigal, al rahim

today is the first day of winter!
and I'm in berkeley- brrchilly

Thursday, December 11, 2014


Stormy Weather

What's up? Lots and lots of water.
And any direction you choose: there is no up.
Unless you define it as the opposite direction of gravity.
Rain, precipitation, snow, sleet, hail, clouds, sky
fog, drizzle
thirsty crops, drought relief, aquifer replenishment, flooding!

rain ads (msgb):
Stormy temper, under the weather, or right as rain?
(mad, sad, glad)
idiom: "you're all wet" (mistaken, wrongheaded, on the wrong track)
(a form of bad) (anagram of 'wallet'!)

Hats, hoods
homeless, hungry

sleeping well, thunder and lightning
raindrops keep falling on my head
freshman stripe, and a friend named "Stormy"

Monday, December 8, 2014

On Racism: Black and White

skin, thinking, and color

Caucasians aren't white, and African-Americans aren't black.  Blacks are brown. Whites are, well, I don't think there's a word for it. But we're not white. Caucasians aren't (necessarily) from the caucusus, either. Some africans are white. And lots of white people are black, morally. Just as there are white blacks, if you get my meaning. White evokes purity, morality, cleanliness, the Pope. And black evokes shadow, darkness, evil, death. So whites are Jesus, while blacks lurk in their lairs in Mordor, where the shadow lies, and Sauron plots to rule over a planet of slaves.

White and black are opposites, facing each other as enemies on the chess board. Chess is war, if you're serious about it, and racial language thus leads to, or at least contributes to, antagonism, isolation, discrimination, racism, gangs, hatred, and a prison environment of terror, the opposite of the American dream of the melting pot, more like a salad dressing of separation between the oil and vinegar, to which you may now start arguing over which is on top.  Funny thought: If a white and a black produce a baby, you might think he or she would turn out gray... A type of space-alien is called 'the grays', I think.  As if she was giving birth to an alien.  Ridiculous.

White light has all the colors in it, as revealed by the rainbow spectrum emerging from a beam of light diffracted through a prism. Well, not all colors: there's no brown, grey, tan -which is probably why these colors are so sartorially popular.  However, black paint is the color that you get if you mix all the colors, I think.  Black clothing is good in cold weather if you want to absorb all the heat from the sun's light on you.  Everybody, I think it is interesting to note, has both black and white, in their eyes, no matter what skin or hair color you have.  Rainbow colors are part of the hippy-dippy pot-smokers tie-dye culture, or the pride flag of homosexuals, or gang colors. But colorful clothing makes us feel happier, and so other countries have more colorful attire than we Americans do, with our hang-ups and exclusionary racial identities, and of course unwillingness to break ranks with social conformity.

Darkness also implies ignorance, while light is a metaphor for truth, knowledge, wisdom. If you're in the dark, you be ignant. If you is a white devil, you're an oppressor. I have a white devil in my head: a black attorney in my head, who presumably seeks historical justice by making me his white slave, because he won't shut up and leave me alone. He's evicted, but is squatting in my brain, spitting his shit into my goddamn schizophrenic brain. And, of course, God supposedly said let there be light (and it was good).  It's up to you to infer whether that means darkness is bad or not... 

Shit is brown, and evil is black, so black becomes the moniker of race because it has the patina of menace and power, in a world where death is oblivion, and even if you go into the light when you die, you still end up dead. Shit just stinks. Omnipotence is the divine power to kill anyone, anytime. Death personified is God. Even priests wear black. Time kills all. We are all dying. Premature death is tragic, because life is beautiful, even for the ugly. Gratitude keeps you positive. Anger against injustice (a gr- attitude!) is the fire in the belly that fuels the chess war of life, in the first place.

Cops drive around in black and white cars, with Republican and Democrat lights spinning on top. Blacks kill whites, whites kill blacks, blacks kill blacks, and whites kill whites. It's a big mess, and none of it is good. Some say, “it's all good” or “all right”, but the truth is no one is perfect, and life is riddled with imperfection, error, failure, stupidity, ignorance, cruelty, sin, crime, injustice, unfairness, and conflict. We may have equal rights, but some are more equal than others. You have to fight for your right to party. Sometimes you have to fight to survive. Everybody has a dark side. The dark side of the force can be interpreted as Darth Vader in the role of a corrupt cop. May the force be with you, ha. Don't fight the police, unless you're Neo (ha, again).

I overheard someone saying the endgame of this racial chess war is to put the country into martial law, which I'm fairly sure isn't gonna happen, but I spose it's possible, if the psychopaths among us go all buggy and start offing people who happen to have different color epidermises than they do. The devil hates everybody, though, and racism just happens to be the weakest link in society, the window of opportunity to cause the most damage, in a world of global disappointment at the disparity between what is and what could be.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Still Living in Berkeley!

I've got a New Place, everybody!

I found a room on Craigslist, and will be moving in next week :-)
And it's not too far from where I am, now!
Pleased as punch, and excited for the next chapter in my Bkly book-
Thanks everybody, who helped!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Toying with God

He Toys With Us

so the law of karma dictates we should give back as good as we get:
Toying With God!
(Onion article)

It recently occurred to me that BLOG could be perceived in religious terminology:
Jesus, in (english) numerology, converts to 10-5-19-21-19
or, 1-5-1-3-1
or, 2
the second letter is B

then, LOG, could stand for Lamb Of God

so, BLOG cryptically equates to Jesus, Lamb of God.
which is trippy! (even without the blog reference)
Catholics sing about it during communion.
mystical union (if you don't want to make the reference to cum-union)
actually, that could also be a techie reference, too: COM (like blogspot.COM)

just as the relation of children to parents,
there is supposedly a relation of adults to a "heavenly father"
question: Does "heavenly father" have a God of His own?
or are there levels even beyond that?
(is life a heavenly video game?)

Anyway, Eucharist/communion/"the body and blood of Christ"
you stand in line, and say "amen"
a-men, like the a-team
A like a grade of 4.0, or ace, or -referencing Seinfeld- "ass-man"
which could be a proctologist, or a reference to anal sex.
I knew a (religious) guy in college whose name was Aymon.
He changed his name to TJ (whatever that stands for)
I wonder now if he did that because of my initials.

anyway, the lord is my shepherd.
life or death, like a shepherd who occasionally slaughters and eats (!)
the very lambs he so lovingly protects from the wolves.
Thus, we eat the God who eats us.
Eucharist is eating the cannibal, a revenge of sorts
a bit of justice, you might say.
Does God eat Christians (his lambs?)
and, of course, what's eating you? as they say.

we're all eaten by time, of course,
(senescence is a bitch.  an inevitable result of cellular replication)
and also, after burial or cremation-
as eventual wormfood
or eaten by fire, if we happen to be sent to the ovens (!)
cremation is a weird word.  Made into cream?
for the creme de la creme?
Will Prince be Cream-ated? ha, couldn't resist.
saints preserve us, hell is a fiery inferno...
(once you're dead, heaven and hell don't matter!)

eating is a weird, weird, trippy thing.
Jesse, my name, means "the whole office of the Eucharist"
esse means eating, in latin.   eating J.
just as drinking can be interpreted as vampiric,
so eating can be interpreted positively, negatively, or
(as is most often the case, and rightly so) neutrally.
Chuy is my name in spanish (like chewy!)
it's also Isai (AI is artificial intelligence, another computer reference)
(pronounced eesa-E, accented second i)
Chewbacca says May the force be with you.
May (5) force (2), christ! jesus!

Alright, I've said enough.  This lamb is silent.
eating is probably better without thinking too much about it!
-God out!
(Jess, Jesse, Chuy, Isai, Jesus (heyzeus), Jesu (jayzoo), JessT, Jester)