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I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 900 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Thursday, December 11, 2014


Stormy Weather

What's up? Lots and lots of water.
And any direction you choose: there is no up.
Unless you define it as the opposite direction of gravity.
Rain, precipitation, snow, sleet, hail, clouds, sky
fog, drizzle
thirsty crops, drought relief, aquifer replenishment, flooding!

Stormy temper, under the weather, or right as rain?

Hats, hoods
homeless, hungry

sleeping well, thunder and lightning
raindrops keep falling on my head
freshman stripe, and a friend named "Stormy"

Monday, December 8, 2014

Black and White

skin, thinking, and color

Caucasians aren't white, and African-Americans aren't black. Blacks are brown. Whites are, well, I don't think there's a word for it. But we're not white. Caucasians aren't (necessarily) from the caucusus, either. Some africans are white. And lots of white people are black, morally. Just as there are white blacks, if you get my meaning. White evokes purity, morality, cleanliness, the Pope. And black evokes shadow, darkness, evil, death. So whites are Jesus, while blacks lurk in their lairs in Mordor, where the shadow lies, and Sauron plots to rule over a planet of slaves.

White and black are opposites, facing each other as enemies on the chess board. Chess is war, if you're serious about it, and racial language thus leads to, or at least contributes to, antagonism, isolation, discrimination, racism, gangs, hatred, and a prison environment of terror, the opposite of the American dream of the melting pot, more like a salad dressing of separation between the oil and vinegar, to which you may now start arguing over which is on top.

White light has all the colors in it, as revealed by the rainbow spectrum emerging from a beam of light diffracted through a prism. Well, not all colors: there's no brown, grey, tan -which is probably why these colors are so sartorially popular. Rainbow colors are part of the hippy-dippy pot-smokers tie-dye culture, or the pride flag of homosexuals, or gang colors. But colorful clothing makes us feel happier, and so other countries have more colorful attire than we Americans do, with our hang-ups and exclusionary racial identities, and of course unwillingness to break ranks with social conformity.

Darkness also implies ignorance, while light is a metaphor for truth, knowledge, wisdom. If you're in the dark, you be ignant. If you is a white devil, you're an oppressor. I have a white devil in my head: a black attorney in my head, who presumably seeks historical justice by making me his white slave, because he won't shut up and leave me alone. He's evicted, but is squatting in my brain, spitting his shit into my goddamn schizophrenic brain.

Shit is brown, and evil is black, so black becomes the moniker of race because it has the patina of menace and power, in a world where death is oblivion, and even if you go into the light when you die, you still end up dead. Shit just stinks. Omnipotence is the divine power to kill anyone, anytime. Death personified is God. Even priests wear black. Time kills all. We are all dying. Premature death is tragic, because life is beautiful, even for the ugly. Gratitude keeps you positive. Anger against injustice (a gr- attitude!) is the fire in the belly that fuels the chess war of life, in the first place.

Cops drive around in black and white cars, with Republican and Democrat lights spinning on top. Blacks kill whites, whites kill blacks, blacks kill blacks, and whites kill whites. It's a big mess, and none of it is good. Some say, “it's all good” or “all right”, but the truth is no one is perfect, and life is riddled with imperfection, error, failure, stupidity, ignorance, cruelty, sin, crime, injustice, unfairness, and conflict. We may have equal rights, but some are more equal than others. You have to fight for your right to party. Sometimes you have to fight to survive. Everybody has a dark side. The dark side of the force can be interpreted as Darth Vader in the role of a corrupt cop. May the force be with you, ha. Don't fight the police, unless you're Neo (ha, again).

I overheard someone saying the endgame of this racial chess war is to put the country into martial law, which I'm fairly sure isn't gonna happen, but I spose it's possible, if the psychopaths among us go all buggy and start offing people who happen to have different color epidermises than they do. The devil hates everybody, though, and racism just happens to be the weakest link in society, the window of opportunity to cause the most damage, in a world of global disappointment at the disparity between what is and what could be.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Still Living in Berkeley!

I've got a New Place, everybody!

I found a room on Craigslist, and will be moving in next week :-)
And it's not too far from where I am, now!
Pleased as punch, and excited for the next chapter in my Bkly book-
Thanks everybody, who helped!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Toying with God

He Toys With Us

so the law of karma dictates we should give back as good as we get:
Toying With God!
(Onion article)

It recently occurred to me that BLOG could be perceived in religious terminology:
Jesus, in (english) numerology, converts to 10-5-19-21-19
or, 1-5-1-3-1
or, 2
the second letter is B

then, LOG, could stand for Lamb Of God

so, BLOG cryptically equates to Jesus, Lamb of God.
which is trippy! (even without the blog reference)
Catholics sing about it during communion.
mystical union (if you don't want to make the reference to cum-union)
actually, that could also be a techie reference, too: COM (like blogspot.COM)

just as the relation of children to parents,
there is supposedly a relation of adults to a "heavenly father"
question: Does "heavenly father" have a God of His own?
or are there levels even beyond that?
(is life a heavenly video game?)

Anyway, Eucharist/communion/"the body and blood of Christ"
you stand in line, and say "amen"
a-men, like the a-team
A like a grade of 4.0, or ace, or -referencing Seinfeld- "ass-man"
which could be a proctologist, or a reference to anal sex.
I knew a (religious) guy in college whose name was Aymon.
He changed his name to TJ (whatever that stands for)
I wonder now if he did that because of my initials.

anyway, the lord is my shepherd.
life or death, like a shepherd who occasionally slaughters and eats (!)
the very lambs he so lovingly protects from the wolves.
Thus, we eat the God who eats us.
Eucharist is eating the cannibal, a revenge of sorts
a bit of justice, you might say.
Does God eat Christians (his lambs?)
and, of course, what's eating you? as they say.

we're all eaten by time, of course,
(senescence is a bitch.  an inevitable result of cellular replication)
and also, after burial or cremation-
as eventual wormfood
or eaten by fire, if we happen to be sent to the ovens (!)
cremation is a weird word.  Made into cream?
for the creme de la creme?
Will Prince be Cream-ated? ha, couldn't resist.
saints preserve us, hell is a fiery inferno...
(once you're dead, heaven and hell don't matter!)

eating is a weird, weird, trippy thing.
Jesse, my name, means "the whole office of the Eucharist"
esse means eating, in latin.   eating J.
just as drinking can be interpreted as vampiric,
so eating can be interpreted positively, negatively, or
(as is most often the case, and rightly so) neutrally.
Chuy is my name in spanish (like chewy!)
it's also Isai (AI is artificial intelligence, another computer reference)
(pronounced eesa-E, accented second i)
Chewbacca says May the force be with you.
May (5) force (2), christ! jesus!

Alright, I've said enough.  This lamb is silent.
eating is probably better without thinking too much about it!
-God out!
(Jess, Jesse, Chuy, Isai, Jesus (heyzeus), Jesu (jayzoo), JessT, Jester)

Monday, November 10, 2014

Today's Riff

The novelty of a November novel: No V
A work of fiction about a world without vampires, without victims, in a phrase: that doesn't suck.

Wait, you say. Suck is just an idiom, an expression, that literally relates to vacuums (another v word), but not to the world (unless gravity can be said to be “sucking” us onto the surface of the planet), or definitely not to people (because we only “suck” if we're 1)“sucking” breath after hard exertion/exercise, or 2)during fellatio, which is also called by it's opposite -“blow”, but which is really neither blowing nor sucking, or, 3) the possibility -so rare it barely deserves mention- after you've been bitten by a venomous snake, possibly a viper, in which you cut open the site and suck out the venom)... But the only time people suck, normally, is when they've got a cup of soda from a fast food joint, with a straw. And hopefully you won't have to deal with any sucking chest wounds. Perhaps you have a poetic sensibility and are cynical about life, in which the process of breathing is suck and blow, repeated ad nauseum.

Being out of breath sucks, especially if you're asthmatic. Venomous viper bites suck. Diabetes from too much sugary soda sucks. Being a victim of a vampire sucks. But fellatio most definitely does NOT suck, even when it does. Okay, hit the pause button again, you're thinking- vampires are fictional, mythological, nonexistent, and don't belong in a factual explanation of suckage: They only “exist” in our imagination and the collective unconscious, expressed in movies, tv shows, books, and plays, not reality...

But crime exists, unfortunately, and predators suck, being criminals who violate our rights. You might not believe in the devil, demons, sin, hell, or vampires, but these are useful concepts, nonetheless. They're useful both in pre-prevention of the possibility of potential perpetration, and post-punishment of caught criminals. Children believe in monsters, which is good, even if technically untrue, because ordinary people can be monstrous. In the psy-war between our better and worse, greater and lesser, selves, often conceived of as the cartoonish conversation of our conscience between angels and devils, gods and monsters, saints and demons, the battle for our souls, in the epic conflict between good and evil, the light and dark sides of the force, mythological figures and locations are forms that help us achieve more moral behavior, in spite of the sweetness of sin, and the tremendous temptation to turpitude. Love always wins, though, they say.

Heaven and hell, as prospective reward or punishment, carrot or stick as it were, help society avoid potential evil events, and also after crime, in the process of justice. Fear of God, and his henchman's horrific hell, scare people straight. The prospect of eternal torment causes suffering to criminals who might otherwise have no remorse, or possibly even enjoy prison. V and V literally look like two canines (“eye-teeth”), and poetically conjure concepts of vicious vampires (and their violated victims) who in reality are psychopaths or sociopaths who might believe themselves to be vampires, and therefore become “real”in the same way a dad believes himself to be Santa, or a priest believes himself to be God. There's a ring of truth. The virtual becomes real for those that believe. Operationally if not objectively true. Victims become vampires, too, when the thirst for justice becomes a desire for artificially created karma, in a word: revenge. Personally, I think this just makes things worse, adding suffering to suffering, torment to torment, potentially creating a never-ending cycle of violence and hate. Justice must err on the side of less net suffering. Incarceration, whether prison or jail, should not exact more suffering than the criminals caused in the course of their criminality. In fact, ideally, the criminal will keep his freedom, and go forth and sin no more, as they say.

War sucks. As General Sherman said, “war is hell.” As a former friend of mine said, “chess is war.” Causing war is the crime of the powerful, sending armies to kill each other in an orgy of bloodshed, for nonexistent entities called “nations,” who fail to see the commonality, the shared humanity, between peoples with different languages, skin colors, and religions. Some powerful people get bored, and think war spices up life with a little excitement, like a mma or wwf match, that cleanses society, kills off excess population, creates an economy, reduces the number of evil people, focuses and unites societies, improves and tests new technology, and distracts us from other bad news, perhaps perceived as worse than war. War can be painted in pleasing (non-red) colors (such as self-defense, security, safety, strength, protection, sacrifice, duty, valor, courage, honor) in the pubic mind.

Some of the evils of the modern world that might conceivably contribute to causing a distractive war could be the anomie of nihilism, or the banality of evil- in such things as the industrialized slaughter of animals, an unrecognized modern holocaust, or the existence of more slaves in modern society than in any other period in human history, or such extreme economic inequality in the world that the richest 85 billionaires have as much money as the bottom 3.5 billion people (nearly half the world's population!) ...supposedly equal human beings, I might add, who share the global village of this third rock from the sun, planet earth, an island paradise of life, in an infinite and indifferent universe. Also, we're in the midst of an extinction event, with ecosystems screaming under the weight of climate change and habitat destruction. People aren't surviving, either, with the tolls of natural disasters, crime, disease, war, suicide, and poverty. Malnutrition exists along side of obesity and food wastage. Addictions to sugar, nicotine, heroin, or any product at all really, drain economies and lower the quality of life. Pharmaceutical companies have a vested interest in the maximized unhealth of the world's population, so as to be in perpetual need of their medications, a dependency with vast societal and personal ramifications. The “mentally ill” receive government money, and can be trapped in unemployment, as well as suffering from stigma and resentment. Some of us have access to quality free healthcare, while others don't have access to either clean water or sanitation. Global inequality is unacceptable. We are all a part of the human community, on spaceship earth, a global village, with equal rights, and the capacity for ALL to have our basic needs met, with minimal suffering and maximal well-being, in a world that cares.

In sum, the issues of ecology, equality, slavery, poverty, meat, crime, and unhealth (such as obesity, malnutrition, and mental health problems like depression, anxiety, psychosis, suicide) for starters, add up to a need for distractions/escape like books or vacation or tv and religion, to make us feel better, in what can be a sick, sick world. Universal healthcare would be a good start, in my view. Getting into nature, exercise endorphins, the occasional restaurant meal, staying informed, breaking routine, and remembering the neediest, are just a few ideas that work for me.

War is not the answer. What is? Compassion, kindness, love, charity, service, community, cheerfulness, humor, friendship, wealth, comfort, security, freedom, respect, status, equality, education, recreation, entertainment, art, literature, poetry, dance, health and fitness, work, helpfulness, trust, truth, courtesy and respect, lawfulness, righteousness, rectitude, thrift, bravery, cleanliness, intelligence, curiosity, engagement, prayer and meditation, spirituality, libraries/reading/books, discipline, strength, integrity, honor, happiness, bliss, mental health, self-improvement.

We're all human, and we all want the same things. We want love, pleasure, sex, respect, status, comfort, security, money, freedom, companionship, camaraderie, friendship, laughter, humor, entertainment... These are what I want, anyway.

Terrorism. We're terrorists, too: Animals, babies, criminals, soldiers. We should stop killing. Thou shalt not kill. Meat, abortion, capital punishment, and war are stains on our collective humanity. Prisons shouldn't be hellholes of institutional terrorism, either, where racism and rape are rampant. Religious tolerance needs to be a global human value, recognizing that All religions seek Goodliness as Godliness and eschew Evil as Sin, in a universal human ethic of righteous moral love and respect.

God out.  Cheers!

final thoughs
Happiness and Health in Heaven.  Hatred and Horror in Hell.
Good or Bad.  Suffering or Bliss.  Love or Hate.  Life or Death.
"He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

What God Believes

God is love.  Love believes all things.

I was thinking about this weird biblical syllogism recently,
and thought I'd share (I AM a Teshara, after all)

If everyone is God (God is one), then each person's God is the One they Love.
That could be the (1) Self, for priests and singles, for example.
Or your (2) Significant Other.
Or, collectively, God loves (3) everyone (but not every zero, ha)
or, all of the above! (4)
(in which case, you could  be said to be in love, or be in heaven)
-bring heaven to you, instead of waiting to die and then being brought to heaven.
or, both!(?) 
death is "resting in peace," which is heavenly in its absence of suffering
(if not presence of happiness)

oh, and there's (5) which would be an exclusionary group, such as your family, your gang, your religion, your race, your country, your sports team, whatever. 
I think loving your S.O. should entail loving everyone else, though, being truly happy and fulfilled.
Loving some and hating others doesn't work, for me.

If I am God, then I am love, and I believe all things:
such as: I love everyone, I love everything, I love life
this seems to be the message, for being good, and for therefore
getting into heaven (making life heavenly)
We all want to feel good.

But we also don't want to believe lies.
or be a party to spreading untruth.
I've got major issues with my childhood religion (Catholicism)
which I revisited last Saturday, at my nephew's baptism.
I'm also reading The Age of Atheists, an intellectual history by Peter Watson.

Maybe I should have more humility, and admit my own religion, my own dogma, which I have created to replace what I view is a patently absurd and ridiculous belief system, might in fact be wrong.  Even Jesus had his moment of doubt.  So if priests will meet me half way, and admit they might be wrong, too, (do any of us really KNOW anything?), then we can all flip that coin of disbelief into the biblical definition of love, believing all things!

B.A.T. is batty, though.  Simultaneously believing for example, that I both exist and don't exist, seems insane.  I am nothing if not a being in pursuit of sanity.  Maybe insanity is the only sane perspective? (!)  Physics gets weird, for example.

If every assertion and it's opposite are both true, however (presumably from different perspectives), the question arises, as a way of living one's life, and wanting to be good/god, and be happy/go to heaven, should we (a)agree with everybody, (b)disagree with everybody, or (c)(randomly?) mix things up?

"It's all good", for example.  Is it, really?
"hell, god's dungeon, exists and is a place of eternal torment, for sinners and disbelievers"
(I don't like that one, either)

what the bible teaches:
If the devil is the adversary, and only God is good (god is love, love believes all), then we are enjoined to be yes-men, and support everyone's (virtual) reality, regardless of what we thing (objective) reality is, in truth and fact.   So we must be liars!  We must act AS IF we believe anyone else's beliefs, no matter how absurd, false, untrue, ridiculous, or even evil, we may think the(se) belief(s) to be!

The devil, besides being the adversary, is called "the lord of lies" (lol!).  So (whoever holds) the opposite of what you believe is the devil, which is a subjective fact, not an objective one. Right?
Every side has it's own God and it's own devil.   All of us are both in heaven and hell.  Because truth is virtual.  Reality may be all the god there ever is, but each of us lives in our own world, our own "you" -niverse, our own head, with our own, unique mind/psyche/brain/thoughts/environment.

So, we must ask ourselves:
Is God dead?
Is God Santa for adults?
Is God imaginary, a story, a concept, a word, a meme?

Is the universe pervaded by love?
or is it
indifferent, infinite, dark, cold, empty, and boring?

-God is dead when a loved one dies, or when you don't love yourself/your life, or anyone/life.
-God gives "adult" gifts, just as Santa gives gifts to children (regardless if he/she in fact exists)
-God is One.  (Love is 99.  Hate is 88.)
All is vanity, frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense.  (ecclesiastes)

or, as the bible seems to imply, All of the Above, the Holy Whatever.

Plant People!

I saw Invasion of the Body Snatchers!

Last week, Halloween, I saw IBS.
I thought I'd share the associations I made in my head with the concept of Plant People:

vegetarians are what they eat!
Robert Plant, Leif Erikson,
Tree (the comedian; it's also Theresa's nickname),
Michelle Branch (singer), Twiggy (a 60's model)
the Jesse Tree (the family tree/genealogy of Jesus)
Ents (from the Lord of the Rings)
fruits (gays) and vegetables (comatose)
The two Bushes (presidents George Herbert Walker, and Dubya)
"pushing up daisies"
-It also makes me think of
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and for some reason, Eating Raoul.

Sunday, November 2, 2014


A Sol-itary Sol-dier
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily: life is but a dream
A ghost without a soul! -oingo boingo

Here's the definitions of SOUL (dictionary.com)
the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body, and commonly held to be separable in existence from the body; the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part.
the spiritual part of humans regarded in its moral aspect, or as believed to survive death and be subject to happiness or misery in a life to come:
arguing the immortality of the soul.
the disembodied spirit of a deceased person:
He feared the soul of the deceased would haunt him.
the emotional part of human nature; the seat of the feelings or sentiments.
a human being; person.
high-mindedness; noble warmth of feeling, spirit or courage, etc.
the animating principle; the essential element or part of something.

Spirit makes me think of spears, or phallic penetration, (hole-y spirit!)
in addition to Blade Runner ("that's the spirit!")
and I think of spirituality as defined by physics -it's a physical phenomenon like radio waves or microwaves, or maybe even quantum entanglement.  But I don't believe in ghosts.  I think a photograph of a ghost is a simultaneous manipulation of both consciousness (mind-control), and photographic equipment (remotely).   Schizophrenia is a spiritual malady (or gift, if you happen to feel more positively about it) of connection to another mind, in my view.  Telepathy is an everyday reality for me, even if it remains mysterious in the how and why, like so much modern technology. Even so, I don't believe any part of me will survive death (excepting the blog! and maybe dna, if I have any kids, and of course, dust).  I don't think I'll be in heaven, in the heavens, appearing in dreams, like obi wan kenobi or whatever.  But I do think computers have my number, and could probably generate a reasonable facsimile.  I am not a soulless killer, except for bugs, etc..well, maybe I am:  I've eaten a lot of meat.   But I am a human being, not a superhuman God or subhuman vampire, although of course I've identified with both.  So in that sense, I'm a soul.  Soul music, and gospel, was never my bag for this bag-o-bones.  Happy day of the dead!

latest happenings in my life

Benjamin had his baptism yesterday at 4:30p mass at St. Stephen's, SF
afterparty at 801!  lots of shrimp and stuffed mushrooms (catering)
Halloween: Augustus was Bert (another was Ernie) adorable!
I went to Sara's and watched Invasion of the Body Snatchers. *
I handed out candy.  2 groups of kids, in Berkeley.
I read to Augustus from The Age of Atheism (hilarious, I thought)
(I would love to read to Benjamin.  I thought I would see him more.)
I ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's and had a can of coke, too.
ugh, if I'm really prediabetic, it's kind of like suicide by sugar.

Going to (catholic) mass makes me feel like shit.
Catholic mass and my family is just too damn brainless/zombie.
I mean seriously.  You guys really believe all that crap?
Weekly ritual pounds that nonsense into everybody's head-
and I'M the one that's crazy? really? 
It's madness, and it just taint true.

love believes all things?
well, I don't.  So I'm not love.
Not God, then.
But I'm not a demon or a vampire, either.
Just a goddamn humanist atheist, I guess.
It never ceases to amaze me how stupid people are, though.
Church sucks.  And I'm right.
I'm not about to pretend to believe, for the sake of community, or anything else.
How is it that brainless zombie automatons have so much money?
It makes no sense.
But I'm down for love, community, peace, forgiveness, and other benefits of religion,
even if the dogma is mostly a sack of shit.

If God believes all things, he simultaneously believes both everything and nothing.  Love is crazy, then.  Truly insane.  Clinically psychotic.

Immortality, for instance.
We're just bubbles.  A form that pops into oblivion.
No one is going to heaven (or hell, either).
And Jesus is dead.  Every prayer to him goes unheard.
It's just talking to yourselves, self-hypnosis.
And sin doesn't exist.  Crime does, but not sin.
You can't have God's Law without a God.
It's only your conscience, silly.  Santa for adults.
I'm pretty sure Souls and Angels are imaginary, too.
(the conventional definitions, anyway)

my (admittedly weird) thought (s-o-c) process on the topic:
     -sole is a solitary fish, underfoot:
sol is sun, a homonym with son, light of the world, glowb...
the sun is a star- jesus christ superstar, you say?
born again, coming out into the light, after death, being reborn...
photons, wave and particle duality,  jesus=15131=2
no mass but called "light" as if it has weight.   mass=energy (e=mc2)
2= mom and dad
(light, force, beast, jew)
     -Maybe angels were humanoid space-aliens with wings?

Maybe I'm forgetting that God is a "man of war", and that war is the art of deception.  But I'm not fooled.  No, not me.  And I like to keep it real.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Halloween Horror!

words of hellish despair, muahhahaha

pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish, starvation, malnutrition, exposure, neglect, anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury, war, disease, famine, pestilence, plague, sin, evil, wickedness, separation, loneliness, crime, rotten, vile, depravity, corruption, uneasy, disconcerted, worry, anxiety, stress, panic, fear, terror, hopelessness, injustice, unfair, sad, wailing, weeping, gnashing of teeth, mourning, frustration, resentment, soul-sickness, anomie, angst, spite, malice, imprisonment, incarceration, slavery, confinement, killing, murder, assassination, rape, torture, homicide, manslaughter, guilt, culpability, regret, remorse, sorry, twisted, cruelty, brutality, violence, destruction, meanness, unkind, viciousness, ruthlessness, monster, demon, zombie, bloodthirsty, turpitude, violence, victimization, perpetrator, predator, stalker, hunter, beast, antichrist, devil, satan, mephistopheles, lucifer, beelzebub, jinn, slayer, negative, cynical, pessimist, aggravation, theft, psychopath, sociopath, apathy, neuropathy, unwanted telepathy, pathetic, sick, ill, diseased, unhealthy, unwell, mentally ill, insane, mad, psychotic, schizophrenic, cracked, impairment, broken, hardship, difficulty, maladjusted, problems, issues, confused, irrational, illogical, disordered, fragmented, scrambled, unbalanced, ineffectual, ineffective, difficulty,  antagonized, immoral, unethical, incorrect, wrong, lies, untruth, misunderstanding, lifeless, bored, hurt, intolerant, discriminatory, misleading, incomprehensible, omission, misdirection, bamboozlement, hoodwinked, sloth, weak, unmotivated, ignorance, stupidity, incurious, schadenfreude, fakery, inauthenticity, anhedonia, mind-control, hypnosis, vulnerable, insecure, unstable, unhappy, repression, oppression, condescension, dis-ease, unsafe, danger, inhospitality, inhospitable, rude, impolite, obnoxious, misogynist, misanthrope, unwelcome, tension, displeasure, unpleasant, base, horrific, atrocity, savagery, obscene, discomfort, uncomfortable, cold, hot, extreme, ugliness, foul, noxious, noisome, irritating, bothersome, uncertain, boring, lack, privation, poverty, insipid, prosaic, dull, retarded, foolish, ridiculous, absurd, pointless, futile, nonsense, babble, fatuous, flatulent, obese, disgusting, wretched,  poisonous, harmful, destructive, addictive, bad, hovel, sty, messy, unclean, impure, abject, squalid, merciless, automaton, unrighteous, inhumane, insincere, scum, trash, garbage, vermin, refuse, germy, subhuman, loathsome, detestable, abhorrent, execration, abomination, denial, rejection, unclear, mindless, worthless, menial, suicide, penalty, punishment, disbelief, nihilism, meaninglessness, fat, torpid, puerile, immature, heinous, faulty, broken, television, incapable, incompetent, inadequate, unequal to, inferior, loss, grief, inconsolable, dirty, infectious, scummy, bacteria, virus, shit, excrement, spit, snot, pus, vomit, phlegm, sputum, semen, filth, flatulence, expectorate, eructate, bedlam, anarchy, riot, cigarettes, addiction, crack, heroin, acid, meth, pot, cut, bruised, injury, contusion, laceration, symptomatic, bitter, acrimonious, acrid, combative, argumentative, drama, strident, harsh, annoying, dire, disability, crappy, extreme, uncoordinated, slow, unsound, unfit, confounded, undesired, unnecessary, unrequited, unlucky, chaotic, unstructured, unrest, disequilibrium, unsteady, unwise, uneducated, unintelligent, deplorable, icky, nasty, gross, revolting, revolt, untrustworthy, disloyal, unhelpful, unfriendly, discourteous, disobedient, dour, wasteful, spendthrift, scared, frightened, timid, cowardly, irreverent, unfaithful, diffident, uninspiring, underwhelming, impermanence, nullity, nonexistence, void, death, oblivion.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

About Me

About Me, by Jesse Lawrence Teshara
A quick autobiographic profile

Jesse is an amateur philosopher, whose blog explains why we are all God, including himself, and why this is in fact a sane outlook. He enjoys writing, and won the Journalism award in high school (St. Ignatius, in San Francisco), although he majored in International Relations at UC Davis, where he studied Third World Development and minored in Spanish. He was raised Catholic.

His blog is http://jesseteshara.blogspot.com . It has been in existence since 2008, and has had almost 11,000 viewers, as of October 2014. The most popular post is 'Movies with the word 'God' in the title.' Please visit -All are welcome! It's called God's Blog, the Jesse Journal.

His hobbies also include daily exercise (he has a membership at the local YMCA), reading books and news (involving a daily trip to one of the local Berkeley libraries), listening to (all kinds of) music, and getting out into Nature.

At the Y, he swims, lifts, and does the stationary bike, which provides a view of the french countryside, as well as 19 cable tv stations. His rule of thumb is to sweat every day. He doesn't own a car, and bicycles around town every day.

He aspires to read a different book every single day, but has not yet mastered the art of speed-reading. He is working on a fiction booklist from '1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die.' But he also enjoys reading short stories, true crime, fantasy and horror, as well as geography, history, and encyclopedia content. He loves words and tries to expand his vocabulary daily, and aspires to learn new languages, too. He regrets being mortal, and not being able to actually read, watch, and listen to the entire library (!). He has a love of life, and is never bored. He tries to read the New York Times every day, and he also keeps informed by the Christian Science Monitor, CNN, Huffington Post, The Oakland Tribune, Berkeleyside, Yahoo, and -less frequently- People, the Economist, Foreign Affairs, and (of course) Mad magazine.

Musically, he particularly enjoys college radio (such as weekday morning jazz on whrb), hearts of space (saturday nights), as well as philosophy talk on Sunday mornings. He is also a big fan of Joe Frank. He frequently wins tickets from Cal's student radio station, kalx, and enjoys reggae shows, classical, bluegrass, rock, and just about everything else, including pop, hip-hop, and country.

He would like to get out into nature more often. In his childhood, he was a Boy Scout, and attained the rank of Eagle, like his brother and father. Many of his childhood summers were spent at Camp Royaneh in Cazadero, Ca, in redwood country, near the Russian River, where he was a counselor and worked at the pool, the canoe base, the ropes course, the rifle range, and scoutcraft. He has climbed a few (very tall) redwood trees.

If he won the lottery, he would travel, eat out more, and raise a family.

He walks friends' dogs twice a week, and is newly vegetarian. He has a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and hears a voice (in addition to his own) inside his head, which he considers telepathic communication with an attorney in Sacramento, and takes antipsychotic medication to keep stable (olanzapine and risperidone). He maintains hope that he will be sane one day, and that his 3 symptoms (headshocks, chest pain, and voice) will remit. He also plans to become exceptionally physically fit, with the idea that physical health can lead to mental health. He occasionally also does yoga and meditation, with yttp (yoga to the people) and the bsc (berkeley shambala center), respectively. He attends a weekly Kaiser support group in Oakland on Thursday mornings.

Jesse was born in Vancouver, Canada on 9/3/71(age 43), and was adopted at 4. He is single, male, heterosexual, virgo boar, who grew up in San Francisco, visited the U.S. East coast at 14, and also once took Greyhound to Key West, from Sacramento. He has been abroad only once, to China (Beijing, Xian, and Shanghai). He is a pro-life Democrat. He subscribes to a Consistent Life Ethic.

Sunday, October 26, 2014


soul-searching while room-searching:

I'm a 43 y.o. man, single, straight, have a steady income, love animals (and am trying not to eat them as much), I walk dogs twice a week (marcel in Oakland, fido & taco in San Leandro), but no pets of my own though, at the moment.  I grew up in SF, and have family in the bay area.   And friends.  We could all use more friends, right? I'll be a friend even if I don't get the room!  Anyway, I'm basically an atheist too.  My mom goes to mass every day, and her sister is a nun (aunty-christ!), so I'm not very militant about it, but I stopped going to church long ago, don't believe in angels or souls or immortality, but still like to occasionally meditate with the buddhists, or get in conversations with JW's or scientologists or mormons or whatever.  Religion can be trippy and kind of fun to muck around with.  I have a blog -I like to write.  I like the quote "reality is all the god there ever is" (by adi da), although I suspect the universe is both infinite and indifferent.  I'm just a puny human speck!  On the other hand, there is love, which is a relation and emotion, not a deity, but godly all the same.  But you don't need to believe in God to know love. The bible says "love believes all things," if you believe the bible, and buy that bull (!)

speaking of which, I think it's interesting that
bible =buy bull
islam= i slam
buddhist= boo'd hissed

I'm currently reading:
-The Age of Atheists, (how we have sought to live since the death of God) by Peter Watson (a new -really good!- library book)

I've also got
-Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett, and
-The Rough Guide to Economics (from first principles to the financial crisis) by A Mell and O Walker

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Latest Reads

I just finished 4 books

(4 is the only number with the same number of letters: F-O-U-R)

-Naked Lunch, by William S. Burroughs
-Freakonomics, by Levitt and Dubner
-American Psychosis, by E. Fuller Torrey
-1339 Interesting Facts (to make your jaw drop), by Lloyd, Mitchinson, & Harkin

One of the facts is that
Brazil, Cashew, Coconuts, Peanuts, and Walnuts aren't actually nuts...Nuts!

Thursday, October 16, 2014



Health, sanity, fitness, strength
Love, friends, family
Money, security, comfort
     (wrap-wealth, riches, affluence, prosperity)
Peace- world peace, inner peace (calm, tranquil)
      (absence of conflct, presence of harmony)
Joy, laughter, merriment, happiness, fun
Booklists (1001 books you must read before you die)(fiction)
      (bad- book-a-day, speedreading)
Knowledge (life-long learning)
Excitement, variety, travel
Help others (service, volunteering, mad- make a difference)
Get out into Nature more often
Heaven (if it exists) (a-afterlife, or b-bliss, or c-cheer)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Being God

Why I think it's a Sane and Rational outlook/philosophy

1)Buddhism teaches Basic Goodness
(that all people are basically good)
The bible (Jesus, specifically) says Only God is good.

I put those two together, and I get Everyone is God.
sounds crazy, but I've gotten used to it.
I do believe some people are more God than others, however
There might be someone who is Most God (most good)
I am not claiming to be that person (egads, imagine the pressure!)
just as there might be someone who is Most Devil (most evil)
Thank God I am certainly not that person, either (so to speak)!

2)God is everywhere, I was taught
(though I recently learned the JW's don't believe this)
and Jesuits try and see God in all things
Our bodies are things
So these principles imply we are God, too.

I don't believe in souls.  I guess that makes me a materialist.
But I know physics has virtual particles, and things "popping into existence"
so I have an open mind.
Today, my voice said, "you know nothing."
I'm inclined to disagree, but maybe it's true.
Should I doubt my own existence?
Am I just a computer program in a holographic universe or something?
(it's true, I haven't "known," in the biblical sense, for quite a while, now)

3)Is claiming to be God actually the devil's work?
I admit I am only human, and therefore imperfect.
But I think I am a good person, and that, I think, is enough to be Godly, if not God Himself.
I don't believe in the devil.  d-evil is 4-evil, and I think NO ONE is (really) for hell, suffering, or eternal torment (which would be indisputably evil).  They might invoke a punishing God to scare people straight, or to terrorize evildoers, as a form of justice, but like I said,
NOBODY would choose to experience eternal torment, him or herself.
(If hell existed, then sending someone there would deserve being sent there, yourself! no?)

 some expressions, or "spells," that could be evil:
"all right"
"it's all good"
"take care"

I simply don't think that evil, sin, depravity, wickedness, crime, injustice, cruelty, torture, suffering, and murder are "right" or "good" or that I shouldn't "care" about rectifying these things and making a better world.  But that's just me.  Then again, being against war only creates more war, according to the Secret, so maybe, in the words of Jesus, I "know not what I do."  

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Reading to Relax

Therapeutic Reading

"Studies show that reading reduces stress  by 68%.  
More than
-listening to music
-going for a walk, or
-settling down with a cup of tea."

I copied this from a post on facebook.  Sorry, I don't have the source. 

drone strikes quote

by Rosa Brooks,
Georgetown University Law Center professor

"Right now we have the executive branch making a claim that it has the right to kill anyone, anywhere on earth, at any time - for secret reasons, based on secret evidence, in a secret process undertaken by unidentified officials.  That frightens me."

Yup, me too.

I got this quote from a recent John Oliver bit, that was on my facebook page.

Is the $68B/yr spent by U.S. intelligence agencies supposed to make me feel better about this?

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Looking for a New Place

in the Bay Area: looking to pay $650/mo, or less

Greetings, Friends!

I have just been made aware by my landlord that my current room in (southwest) Berkeley won't be available anymore, starting February '15, so I'm informing all my friends that I am officially looking for a new room to rent! I plan to move at the end of January, or sooner.

I have a preference for the Bay Area, as I have family in San Francisco, and friends in the East Bay, and a YMCA membership in Berkeley. I also love the weather here, libraries, Kaiser, etc.

Please let me know if you know of -or have- anything becoming available.
(either a Studio, or a room of my own in an apartment or house)

About me:
I walk dogs, receive social security/disability income, enjoy writing, have a blog-
I am 43, male, single, straight, have never been in debt or evicted,
am friendly, respectful, clean and neat, responsible,
no drugs, nonsmoking, will not have pets, will often be out,
quiet (I listen to computer/music with headphones),
and I don't watch much tv (I'm actually a bit of a bookworm).
I go to the Y almost daily (I love to swim), as well as the library.
I ride my bike and take BART everywhere (I don't have a car),
so I don't need a parking space.

I also consider myself a student, although I am not enrolled or paying money for schooling, and am attempting to read a book-a-day, in addition to the daily news. I went to UC Davis, and have a degree in International Relations, and speak some Spanish (but am a bit rusty). Before that, I got a Jesuit education at SI in SF (class of '89) .

My phone is 510-590-0327

I look forward to hearing from you!
p.s. the sooner I arrange my housing situation, the better, I think.  The latest I can move in is February, and the earliest, now...although I would, if possible, like to use my paid last month's rent for my current location, of course.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

A Plan to Enjoy Life

despite having schizophrenia

     Perhaps someday I will no longer have schizophrenia/ be schizophrenic. It happens! Sanity, and remission of symptoms is something to hope for. It's 2014, and I've been diagnosed schizoaffective (schizophrenia plus bipolar) since graduating from college (UC Davis) in 1993: 21 years, so far. I'm better than I was, and my medications have helped. Maybe I'll be healthy, well, and sane sometime in the next 21 years. Maybe David will die or decide to leave me alone. Maybe there's a way to disconnect. Maybe the world will see the light, and become less aggravating.

      My 3 symptoms are a voice, headshocks, and chest pains. They are a daily reality, and some days are better than others. Mental illness can be a bitch. Most of the time, it's just annoying, and I think of it as being like an insect, a bug, a nuisance, a pest. Other times, the voice can successfully push my buttons, and make me enraged. Self-control means being able to resist hatred, hypnosis, and hell. I went off my medications at one point a few years ago, and ended up in jail for ten months, after an argument with a roommate led to me wrestling with 3 police officers. Aggravation and torment is a daily reality. Of course, I plead daily for David, my voice, to shut the hell up, respect me, stop invading my privacy, and leave me alone. I'm not sure if he also causes the brainzaps and chest pain, too: It's simpler to just blame him for the whole package. I suspect he's at least partially responsible.

     I'm not sure which has helped more -the medication, or the friction with the source. By friction, I mean replying in kind. By source, I mean David. When he voices to me, I often reply back. Presumably he's a schizophrenic, too. He calls himself a global telepath, however, and is undiagnosed, as far as I know, being regarded as sane. Once you're schizophrenic, the label “high-functioning” doesn't mean much. You are mentally ill, sick, and have a malfunctioning brain. You require medications, usually don't have employment, receive social security/disability income, remain poor, have consequent difficulty with making a family (finding/keeping a partner and raising children), and live under the threat of worsening symptoms, disrespect, and even possible homelessness or imprisonment. Schizophrenics are 8 times more likely to commit suicide. It's not fun. But David functions high enough to be a Deputy Attorney General for the State of California, and I allow myself to think that maybe David interacts with me the way he does in order to further justice, peace, sanity, and other benevolent goals (such as economic development). 

      It's like being possessed. The bible says, “do you not know that you are not your own?” Either the presence is welcome, and you “let go and let god,” or unwelcome, in which case you are being intruded upon, colonized, controlled, victimized. It is tempting to think of the situation as one of having demons, or even being possessed by the Devil. My replies are voiced internally, as vocalized thought, and presumably heard -like prayer- by David, who many years ago said he and I were vampires. David Andrew Eldridge is an actual person (unless he's dead, I haven't talked to him or inquired after him in almost a decade), and not an invisible friend or ghost. I don't believe I'm hallucinating when I hear him. I hear his thoughts (a few, anyway), and he hears mine (it seems like all of them -some of them, anyway). Is this what they mean by the holy spirit?  Auditory hallucinations, I believe, come from a source, the brain. The brain is where the mind is. And having an “open” mind means hearing other people's thought. As Pink Floyd sang, “there's someone in my head, but it's not me.” That person, for me, is David Andrew Eldridge, self-proclaimed demon, attorney-at-law, african-american, homosexual, mathematician, and “natural psychologist.” He said he had Seasonal Affective Disorder. I think it is telling that his name anagrams to both “degraded, livid” and “dag ridded evil.” When I'm fed up with it, I call him names. When I'm charitable, I ignore him. I imagine both serve his purposes (such as instigating criminals into weaker positions on the chessboard of life). I'm a different kind of SAD (schizo-affective dis.). 

     I'm hoping physical health will lead to mental health. I have a membership at the local YMCA, and I go almost daily, sometimes twice.  And I'm hoping that writing this also will be a step in the right direction, toward clarity, if not sanity.

Scripture, by God

Today's thought:

God is always and everywhere, omnipresent. We learn this as children. Well, I did, anyway. The Jesuits “endeavor to see God in all things.” I went to a Jesuit high-school in San Francisco, and the current Pope, Pope Francis, is a Jesuit. Only God is good. Which isn't saying much, because “only” everything is God. Life, the Universe, and Everything, you might say. Infinity. The Universe, which is infinitely big, is Reality, which, in the words of Adi Da, is “all the God there ever is.” If the big U is infinitely big, you might be tempted to consider yourself as infinitely small. And you are. But infinity goes in both directions: You can go infinitely in the other direction, smaller and smaller, like a computer's screen saver. So, in a very real sense, you are infinitely big, too. Big up yourself, says Ali G. Big me, big me, sings Kurt Cobain. Maybe there is an entire universe in your head! Anyway, God is made in man's image: God is love, and God is the creator, which is just another way of saying your parents, or if you like -sex- is God, too. I am God. You are God. We're already God, whether or not we have sex, or “make love,” or whether we consider ourselves to be Gods, claim to be God, or think, say, and do in the role of God. So as much as we all are in fact God, I still hold that some of us are more God than others, however. God is the principle of goodness, and there is a full spectrum of human behavior between depravity and saintliness -or goodliness/godliness if you prefer. Godliness is just a matter of being good, making yourself good, making life good, as a positive force in the world. And each of us lives in our own world. You are in control of your own life, your own destiny. God is One, says scripture, and the Top Dog, the Big Cheese, the Head Honcho, is of course you exercising control over your own quality of life, with a little help from your friends. But -and this is the big problem and exception- some people relinquish that control, and submit to the will of others, in some cases even being possessed. You can “let go and let God” or you can “let go and let SMELBAD.” That's my acronym for Satan, Mephistopheles, Evil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Antichrist, Devil. I'm just pointing out that others may not have your best interests at heart, and may even hate you. Others CAN make us happier, of course, but we shouldn't rely on them. And others, in the same vein, can make our lives a tormented, miserable, even painful, living hell, longing for death, and consumed with suffering. You can be in love, and live in a heaven on earth. Or you can be hated, even tortured. Children have to obey their parents, and their teachers, and -like adults- the law. Some advice, and some laws, are better than others. However, we all only live once, and we should all follow our own lights and do whatever is necessary to make ourselves happy, without infringing on the rights of others, who deserve the same high level of happiness as ourselves. Psychology is the new religion, the science of happiness the new scripture, of the New God, You. Economics, then, is important. Money is an anagram of 'my one,' which only emphasizes the importance of prosperity to happiness, which is what God wants for all of us. Wealth, Riches, Affluence, & Prosperity: that's a WRAP! Comfort should be a universal goal, and it is reasonable and within the realm of possibility to imagine an entire planet with basic needs met, the highest level of healthcare available to all, and a sustainable peace maintained in a safe and secure world, that respects the equal rights of all. Poverty, war, preventable disease, and suffering can all be prevented and mitigated and replaced by a happy, rewarding, comfortable, healthy, and secure lifetime of pleasantry and global mutual respect.

Scripture, by the way, is -in my view- absolutely anything written by anyone, ever (!).  The entire library is holy writ.   The dictionary, cookbooks, all the graffiti, jokebooks.  The onion had a funny article recently about this, but I'm holding fast to this outlook, even if it seems absurd that a Honda's drivers manual is made to be as holy as, say, Song of Songs.  Omniscience means God reads everything!  Right now, I'm reading the Prairie Home Companion's Pretty Good Joke Book, 5th edition :-)

Friday, August 22, 2014

in brief

my life: y, music, reading, dogwalking, kaiser

virgo/september birthdays: Pierre 9/1, me 9/3, Liz 9/10, T (9-11!)
I'm having the family dinner on Su 8-31 in SF
Burmese with S&P (burma superstar, b-star if you're hip)
got Pierre a gift, he gave me 2 bitcoin giftcards.
(and Amish peanut butter, and shoo-fly pie)
 Theresa sent me pics of her 3 adorable frenchie puppies (now sold)

yesterday, I bought a bongo burger berkeley baklava, and it was the best!
(lotsa b's, and all true!)
their burgers are good, too, if you must.
i told theresa that i have thai ginger paste tofu sometimes in san leandro (so good!)
she works as an intake person for a psychiatric unit-
up to 40% of schizophrenics attempt suicide, and 5-13% succeed.

just finished Clifford A. Pickover's "The Physics Book".  really interesting (to me).
recommended: Terry Pratchett
(a psych nurse recommended his work to me years ago)
I've read Going Postal, and Good Omens.  lots more await!
The Onion Book of Known Knowledge (borrowed from Julie)
I read alot of their website, often (theonion.com)
I'm reading joke books,
and library: scifi short story collection,
and Word Catcher by Phil Cousineau,
and Making Whoopee by Evan Morris
I've got my 14 page booklist (two 7page booklists), i've shared copies of with lotsa folks.
If you ask, I'll make one for you, too.

and recently I wrote to my mom:
No, I haven't talked to David (outside of my head,  anyway) in many years, and don't intend to, ever.  The voice is in my head.  I don't think I'm hearing him speak to me, like he's in the room, outside of my head.  But I hear him like you would your own (vocalized) thoughts.  Does that make sense?  It seems like telepathy.  I believe it's telepathy.  But the meds help, so it does have something to do with brain chemistry.  Some days are better than others.  All those "lines" were on the 8th.  Sometimes I talk back.  That is, I think vocalized thoughts directed to David, like "what the hell is your problem?  Leave me alone."  I've thought that one many times.   My head has been quieter, more healthy/sane, since then. In addition to the voice, sometimes I get headshocks, and also sometimes I feel chest pains.  Those are my 3 symptoms.
if you were wondering, in brief, I wear boxers!


my view

first, defined (dictionary.com):
Also called mercy killing. the act of putting to death painlessly or allowing to die, as by withholding extreme medical measures, a person or animal suffering from an incurable, especially a painful, disease or condition.
painless death.
if only ALL death were painless!
There are many views on what is a "good death," but painless definitely qualifies, in my book.
we're all dying, all of us, from the moment we're born (or conceived!), it's fate, destiny, unavoidable.
Like Pink Floyd sings, each day is "one day closer to death"
Good diet, exercise, love & happiness, family, friendship, community, etc. (e.g. saftety &security) extend life/forestall death- but to dust we shall return.
speaking of which,
I'm not sure the bible definitely promises eternal life, or the existence of souls to do the living, in heaven, wherever that is.  
I think the "dust" verse is definitive.  
Even though there's the phrase "sure as hell," I believe Oblivion is certain, whereas Eternal Torment is just trying to scare the hell out of people, so to speak.  A just God would never create such an abomination, in any case.   But hellish existence (before death) is certainly possible, and unfortunately, all too real, if not "common."  Physics says matter is conserved, so we can all look forward to being broken up after decay into the earth, I guess.  Teshara recombines into 'as earth', by the way.
Souls don't exist.  Just bodies, brains, minds, made of food, dna, and thought.  I don't believe in ghosts, either.  But you can be "haunted" by memories.
Heaven is nice to imagine, to hope for, and to strive to create (for the living, while alive), but I'm pretty sure there's no afterlife for anybody, positive, negative, or neutral, as much as I would like to be surprised, by "waking up" after dying!  Where is heaven?  I only believe in ONE universe, and heaven is the pleasant state of being alive, which we create (or destroy) for ourselves, individually and communally.  Of course, Heaven can be like a video game, or a dream-world, but it's still in the one Reality.

anyway, getting to my point:
if life is miserable, or painful, and without hope of improvement, death is a comparative improvement.  It's the state of Non-Being.  But depression or grief can make it seem hopeless, when in fact there IS hope.  So I think the law shouldn't approve assisted-suicide, mercy-killing, or euthanasia, unless it can be PROVEN that the pain cannot be assuaged.  Which is a tall order, because who wouldn't feel a lot better after, say, a dose of heroin?  I admit I don't know what I'm talking about, but it seems there's a drug for everything, these days.  Or maybe going fishing, or skydiving, or eating a delish meal with a friend?  Surfing, comedy clubs, sex, exercise endorphins, i dunno- travel, a crime spree?  go nuts! if you're dying, anyway, you're pretty much free to go to town!  And I realize we're all dying, but for me, reading a couple thousand (of the BEST) books and trying to live a long, happy life is preferable to going out in a blaze of glory (or infamy).  But that's just me.  I'm not recommending transgression, but maybe it's preferable to death, and could reduce suffering, for you.  You could change religions, make a bunch of new friends.  If you don't care if you die, you could become a mercenary, and fight for something you believe in.  Maybe before allowing assisted-suicide, the patient has to complete a series of experiences (rollercoasters, drugs, meals, shows, what-have-you), before being declared legally hopeless.   If insanity is a legal term, maybe hopeless should be, too (!) 

Also, I wanted to say that either we treat animals like humans, or humans like animals, because really, in my view, there's no difference.   If we put dogs to sleep, then why not humans.  But if we take all possible measures to improve the lives of our dying pets, then we should do the same for the dying (homeless, say, or any other fellow human being on planet earth, suffering).  If we're carnivores, then why not eat people, too.  Killing a pig is just as immoral as killing a person, in my view.  Some pigs are smarter than some people.  But intelligence has nothing to do with it.  Obviously, we shouldn't eat retarded people.  If we're human, we should be humane.  After euthanasia, we can eat our hopeless friends.  I'm kidding, I think.  Something to chew on.
I think too many people who are suffering want to inflict their pain on others.  This is wrong.  We should always and everywhere be trying to improve our lot.  Animals' lot.  Humanity.  The Universe.  Love should be our goal, not a blind extinguishing of suffering by eating barbeque and blowing ourselves up for Allah.  We're all in this together.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

schizophrenic voices

from 8-8-14

It pisses me off, which is where the "mad" comes in, but
I don't believe they're auditory hallucinations: telepathic communication, rather.
I've noticed they are all 5 words or less.  Why, David?

God, you're a sucker
David crying Jesse
I'm evil
fuck you Jesse
all right (especially; endlessly repeated)
fuck you
David killing himself Jess
David is dead jess
i'm sorry
david screaming
i'm crying
david is going to hell
 david is
I can't take anymore
i'm insane jesse
i'm going
to kill everything
i hate life
david crying
david is crying
i hate you
did he write that
i'm not well jesse
it, jess
i'm death
all right, jess
david is getting evil
and I mean evil
i'm scared jesse
i can't believe you
david is hurting me
she's crying jess
because you're right
i'm wrong
david is so fucking sad
they're scared of life
i can't deal jesse
i'm really tired, jesse
i am so fucking sick
i hate life
i'm tired of screaming
i'm getting stupid
i'm screaming mad
i'm going
i'm tired of law
david so destroyed, jesse
i'm sorry
i'm really really really sorry
david sick of life jesse
me going crazy jesse
jess you're crazy amazing

Sunday, August 17, 2014


all about my SAT score

1260 – highly composite number, pronic number, the smallest vampire number, sum of totient function for first 64 integers, this number appears twice in the Book of Revelation

it's also the Catholic Radio station (1260 AM) in my area.

690 verbal
570 math
back in the day

kinda weird that a self-proclaimed God should have such a "rich" number?

I don't know what a composite number, totient function, or pronic number is.
I'm not sure I care.
But I will definitely look up the Revelation connection.



Wednesday, August 13, 2014


I'm house/dog-sitting, in Oakland today thru 8/19th

Just sitting is good, too.
SPAM's (SaraPierreAugustusMarcel's) has a recliner, rocking chair, and comfy leather couch.
no excuse not to! 
They're off to Allentown, PA

the Oakland, Piedmont branch, library -nearby- is open M-F
M 12:30-8
TWR 10-5:30
F 12-5:30
(Sa Su closed)
-I plan on reading the NY Times there.

-I will be :
letting Marcel out to piss in the a.m., feeding breakfast
walking Marcel at 1p, 5p, and 8p.
dinner at 6p

-daily exercise, bike to Bkly Y on alternate days (a good workout, itself!)
hopefully I will not gain weight.
I should aim to lose weight, in fact:
pushups, crunches, dips (between chairs),
dumbbell rows, tricep extensions, bicep curls, shoulder press
I gained, last time I sat, is the concern.

-kaiser group thurs. 10:30-11:30am
scifi library book (best of, short stories) due Friday the 15th
word books due 21st

-they have roku tv, and wireless, for my computer.
i'll have to make use of their laundry and kitchen, too.
i'm told there's totino's pizza rolls (!) haven't had those in awhile.
the full set of Game of Thrones (books AND hbo tv series) awaits.

this blog's feedjit widget is back up, after not working for awhile. Yay!
coming on 10,000 viewers!  Thanks, y'all!
daily computer routine of 12:
email, onion, wikipedia, dictionary.com,
yahoo news, hp, cnn, csmonitor, berkeleyside,
i also like ted, j!archive, youtube

Sunday, August 10, 2014

animalia captivity

Saturday, August 9, 2014

possessed by evil

in need of an exorcism?

I don't believe in souls, but if you feel possessed by the devil, I'll pray for you.
pray, not prey.

if you're possessed by God, on the other hand, you're in love.
"I'll be yours if you'll be mine"
"the one that sets me free"
(song lyrics, on ksmc, tonight)

more thoughts on evil, continued:

sin, separation from God
spite, malice, revenge
depravity, vice, crime
war, atrocity, hell
demon, devil, monster

crime: defamation of character, slander, libel, calumny
invasion of privacy
war crimes, crimes against humanity
wmd, weapons of mass destruction
abc, atomic biological chemical weapons
atomic/nuclear/fission/fusion bombs
theft, rape, manslaughter, assault, battery

injustice, unfairness?
voice vice, brain pain


savage, sadistic, cruel infliction of pain and suffering, torture

the devil is d-evil.  d is the 4th letter, so you're the devil if you're "for" evil.
but what is evil?
if life is good, then death is bad-
so murder, assassination, killing, execution, homicide are wrong.
if life is bad, then death is good?
well, no.  life can always be made good, right?

what are the categories of suffering?
fear, terror, anxiety, stress, worry, upset, scared
sadness, depression, misery, feeling bad
pain, hurt, agony
anger, hatred, rage,wrath, fury
sick, ill, diseased
mental illness
victimized, violated
inconsolable crying, tears, weeping, mourning, loss

unmet needs
hunger, starvation, exposure, privation, poverty,
possessed (not in control)

the mean, cruel, sadistic, torturous victimizer is indisputably evil.
buddhists don't want to be one with this person's universe, I want to say.
it's not "all good"
then again, maybe the twisted person's suffering
can be allayed, made better by prayer, and/or meditation.
uncaring, apathy, indifference

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


my day, by Jesse Teshara

I woke up at like 5am, listened to whrb jazz off my itunes on my cordless headphones (good for roommate situations) for like an hour, checked my blog (the feedjit widget that shows the last 10 visitors stopped working, so i can't see who/where's visiting my blog from around the world, argh! i miss it -i tried pasting code from their site, still no good, no email reply from them yet, wondering if i ever will, told them i'd be willing to pay something for it, though), surfed the web -the usual sites (bookmarks) and checked my email, went back to sleep, up again 9:30ish,  went to san leandro and walked fido and taco for an hour, had chinese food there with julie (spicy broccoli with rice and a coke), took bart back home, quick nap with kalx radio on, ate leftover chinese, texted/talked to sara, biked to library and surveyed the ny times, bought about $3 worth of sugar-free froyo from yogurtland, exercised at the Y on the cardio bike (for 45 minutes on level 14, 'round 500calories),  went to trader joe's and spent $27 (exactly!), came home, ate some more (nuts, sourdough boule and hummus, chicken-less salad, ritter chocolate), vegged out to more music, read a few pages of Elster's word book ('what in the word?'), checked for an expected package (maybe tomorrow), reviewed my finances (i like going to the bank website and tallying  how much i can spend/day within my budget), and took my meds (30 mg zyprexa zydis- olanzapine, 1mg risperidone-risperdal) before going to bed around 10pm.


Sunday, August 3, 2014


last night, i had dinner at my folks'  house, in SF, with Larry and Peggy, Tom and Jeannine, Steve and Penny. 7 Tesharas.  I took BART, hung out at the Glen Park library, bought a taco at La Corneta, beforehand. It was carne asada, and my mom made bbq pork... at least i'm eating less meat.  On the brighter side, I discovered the TJ's vegan chicken-less salad-yum.

I've got 4 library books out:
-The Year's Best Science Fiction (30th collection)(short stories)
3 language books:
-What in the Word? by Charles Harrington Elster (really good!)
-Word Catcher, by Phil Cousineau
-Making Whoopee, by Evan Morris (Words of love for lovers of words)

the first Game of Thrones book, by George RR Martin (Pierre's)

I just won tickets to Yoshi's (jack london square/oakland), for this Thusday at 8p, me and a guest. The website says the tix are $22.  Like a free 44 bucks!

this morning I'm going to the Intimate Impressionism exhibit, at the legion of honor, in SF, with SaraPierre&Augustus

I'm walking dogs, and having lunch with my friend Julie on Tuesday

After Kaiser, Thurs. morning, I'm having lunch on Piedmont with Brooks, maybe Walter too.

a week from today, 8/10th is my mom's birthday ('45)

8/13-19, i'm house/dog-sitting, in Oakland

at last, i beat my cold, so I'll return to my daily exercise routine at the Ymca. I gained weight again, like 10 lbs; am trying to get back down to 200.

basically, I read, listen to music, exercise, dogwalk, and write.
-and buy stuff, mostly food: maybe i should join eharmony or match.com, because okcupid doesn't cut it, although it does say i've got 44 people who like my profile.  Me and my 44 lady coven, lol.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Jesse Weirdness

and some Al Gore, too

Jesse Teshara and Al Gore are both 4,9.  (I.D.)
Al Gore has 6 words that evoke his name:
algorithm, regalo (gift in spanish), allegory, galore, goral, largo
(a goral is an asian short-horned goat-antelope)
(largo is italian for to perform dignified and slow)
-this seems to resonate with his speaking style, no?
and, of course, orgle! (not! but it should be a word)
he's from TN, and Jesse is very 10-esse

jessant (like a plant budding, issuing forth)
jessamine (jasmine)
jest and jester (I'm jess t)
jess (the strap on the leg of the bird in falconry)
chewy (I'm also Chuy, in spanish)
je suis ('i am', in french)
jesus (pronounced hey-zeus)
esse, in latin means a. being, b. eating (J- esse, wwjs?)

I am also Big Brother, Uncle Jesse, and Mr. T (like my bro, dad, and grandpa)

 a rumination quote on 'jedi':
"In Latin, the plural of Jesus would be Jesi, but that's too obvious. If the early Christians cloned Jesus to preserve his unique DNA, they might have built the Jesus Eugenics Development Institute."

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Meat and madness

an interesting etymological connection

from wikipedia:
The word meat comes from the Old English word mete, which referred to food in general. The term is related to mad in Danish, mat in Swedish and Norwegian, and matur in Icelandic and Faroese, which also mean 'food'. The word mete also exists in Old Frisian (and to a lesser extent, modern West Frisian) to denote important food, differentiating it from swiets (sweets) and dierfied (animal feed).

Food is 'Mad' in danish.  huh.

I'd be mad, too, if I were treated like meat.

'Jesse' means the whole office of the eucharist, which is the cannibalistic eating of Jesus-
(literally, in catholicism, or symbolically, in other christian denominations)

mad is both a. angry and b. bonkers
anger and insanity go together, I guess.

what's eating you?
Jesse also can be Jesus or Chuy (pronounced Chewy), in spanish
also, Isai.  I say, good chap, is ai any good?
Isa is Jesus in arabic.

I am not Jesus.  I am Jesse.  And I am not my name.  I am my body.
my body is what I eat, less what I excrete
I get most of my food from TJ's (my initials), i.e. Trader Joe's

it's a weird thing to chew on (ponder)
puts the Mass in masticate, I guess
eat can be rearranged as ate (which sums to 8 -125) (like god -764)

Trader backwards is 'red art'
J is the 10th letter.  therefore, Tennessee is kinda Jesse-ish, cryptically.
Satan is 11216 (of the english alphabet) which is, say, 10.
(who decided the alphabet's -random?- order, anyway?
esse in latin means 'being' and also 'eating'.
so my name, i guess, has something to do with eating satan.
and they say you are what you eat, of course.
food is 6664, if you want to chew on that.
my dad is Larry T.  clarity = see Larry T?

Sunday, July 27, 2014

family numbers

some weirdness

my dad was born in '43, and I turn 43 this year.
I was born in '71, and my dad turned 71 yesterday.

other fun facts
Benjamin Netanyahu and Pope Benedict and, now, Benjamin Teshara
baby Bibi?
(oh boy.  oh brother!)

dad and uncle, Mr. T and Uncle Tom
me, Uncle Jesse/Big Brother
born on the same day as the country of Quatar
sharing a birthday with a Saab (9/3) and the Z71.
mom: PG&E (Peggy), and PT cruiser
T mobile...Verizon LG (Liz & Greg, or Larry & Greg).
LGBT (Liz Greg Ben Teshara!)

bye bye
-JLT (jolts: jilted, as it happens; and also jailtime)
maybe I should drink some Hennessy
(jolt cola is gone, I think)

Friday, July 25, 2014

world economy

some stats

population: 7.25B people
(how many animals?)

world gdp (gross domestic product, 2012):
84.97T dollars ppp (purchasing power parity)
71.83T dollars (nominal)
per capita? ppp gwp (gross world product): $12,400

world debt: 58.864T dollars

animals, continued:
1.37 million species (and counting, IUCN 2012)

research labs- 100M
livestock -24B
land birds -400B
land mammals -1 T
land reptiles -10T
land amphibians- 10T
fish- 10T
dust mites- 10 Quadrillion
insects- 10 Quintillion
zooplankton- 1 Sextillion
nematodes- 10 Sextillion

total: 11,010,010,031,431,100,000,000
(more or less, lol)
that's 11sextillion, 10quintillion, 10quadrillion, 31trillion, 431billion,100million!

that's just on Earth.  the galaxy is a big place.
and the Universe is even bigger!

Extra! Extra!

Read all about it! Some of the days news-

1)In today's New York Times (F 7-25-14), on p. A10:
The 85 richest people in the world have as much money as the bottom 3.5 Billion!
12% of humanity (842 Million) suffer from chronic hunger

1.while 30% of humanity -almost a third- are overweight.
2.and, in america, almost 40% ($165 Billion/year) of food goes uneaten/to waste.
3.in the world, about a quarter -24%- of the annual 4 billion tons of food (6 quadrillion calories) produced goes wasted or lost.

This is mind-blowing, in my opinion.

2)In the Berkeley Tri-City Post (weekly edition, July 16-22, 2014):
Capitol Punishment was ruled unconstitutional by California's state supreme court in 1976, but was reinstated by the legislature the following year.  Since then, 13 inmates have been executed here, most recently Clarence Ray Allen in 2006.  An analysis by the Los Angeles Times found that

California spent $308 Million on each execution.

The article, taken from the Huffington Post, is about the good news, in my view, that a Federal Judge has ruled California's death penalty unconstitutional.  He struck it down because the system is arbitrary and in violation of the Constitution's 8th Amendment.

aside (from wikipedia)
According to the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute, in 2011, world military expenditure for the world amounted to 1.735 trillion US$.[1]

news summary:
world news-
85, 3.5B,
California news-

Monday, July 21, 2014

Two State Solution

Palrael and Israstine!

I think there shouldn't be any conflict (anywhere on earth, actually)

Like the U.S., the Middle East is a "melting pot"- if there were ONE country of diverse languages and religions, then any conflict would be crime, not war.  It's seems to me they should tear down the walls, permit everybody everywhere, and let the chips fall where they may.  Who would bomb their own country?  Mix it up!  It seems to me crime is preferable to war, with it's missiles and tanks, incredibly expensive hardware that enriches the military-industrial complex and arms dealers, and kills so many more people.   There's enough room for everybody, and no need for the crowded population density in the west bank and gaza, that results in destruction of homes, and innocent non-combatant civilian death, when Israel gets paranoid and invades a vastly poorer and weaker territory that has been made resentful by Israel's own oppressive policies of settlement incursions and economic strangulation.  A richer society helps everyone!  Israel is oppressing itself, its own people, and its own economy.  Pink Floyd and Ronald Reagan were right: tear down the wall!  Us and Them thinking is just stupid, in my opinion.

Speaking truth to power, Israel is the oppressor, and Palestinians -it seems to me- are mostly just trying to get by, having been shafted by Hitler almost as much as the Jews were, by consequence of the Zionism after world war two that rewarded Jews with the "promised land" as recompense for the holocaust, which displaced the Palestinians from their homeland, too.

Honestly, what would happen if there were no borders (anywhere on earth).  I think this is a hypothetical that should be addressed by academic geographers, if not the U.N.   Like I said, isn't crime VASTLY superior to war?