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Welcome!

I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess
Ladies- I'm a single, straight, virgo/boar INTJ (age 44) who enjoys books, getting out into nature, music, and daily exercise.

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 1000 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Playing

Magician (reality is a toy)

object levitation, self-levitation, flying, pass through objects / dematerialize.  self/object teleportation.  space-travel impregnability, self-sustainability: no need to eat, drink, breathe; indestructible: self-repairing, self-healing, ability to turn off pain, no cancer, non-flammable; access to omniscience, perfect memory (memory-erasure? Suicide option? Telepathy, reverse mistakes); time-travel, immortality, time-freeze/halt; combat mastery, athletic talent; super-strength, no-aging/controllable-aging; morphing: appearance/size/form mutability (human/animal/object); infinite universes/worlds to traverse, enjoy, master, and experiment with (alternate timelines, planets, realities); health, money, sex, fame, drugs, love, music, movies, books, variety, wisdom, happiness, heaven; food, drink, comfort, sanity, forgiveness, humanity

or I could be a happy rock :-)
it recently struck me that windows are "wind ow", but only to lead me to the next thought, which is wind doesn't feel pain (just like a rock).   Speaking of being a rock after I die, Everybody is white (in their bones!).  ha.

I just read Lev Grossman's 'The Magicians', so I thought I'd revisit this!

Friday, June 3, 2016

My Politics

If I were a politician:

First, address suffering.  Then, seek Happiness.  Individual by Individual.  (reducing suffering is a happy project itself, of course!)  I do not mean providing a lifetime supply of heroin for all of humanity!Or even sex, for that matter.  I think the Buddhist dharma of extinguishing greed, hatred, and delusion is on the right track.  I've hopped on the 'Attachment and desire are chiefly responsible for most suffering' train.  Sometimes happiness makes you smile, and sometimes smiling makes you happy.

Basic Need met, for all, worldwide.  "Throwing money at problems" only for this category, in my opinion.  Well, there's infrastructure, too.  So that, too, I guess.  It's kind of a Social/Collective Basic Need.  There is more than enough money and goodwill on earth to meet all need.  No hunger, malnutrition, starvation (nutritious food, clean water);   Shelter and clothing and blankets;  (Quality) Healthcare, available free, for all.  Sanitation.  Free Education, Internet, Libraries available to all.

Compassion for all life
Pro-life ethic: No war, death penalty, abortion, or nuclear weapons.  No borders, no militaries, no police.  Security: Self-defense taught to all.   Universal aikido training, and global training for safe use of handguns.  I think everybody should have their own gun that nobody else can use, activated by a ring, for example.  Crazy people wouldn't get very far in a planet of global gun-ownership.  Close to my heart: No mind control, or unwanted telepathic intrusion.  As many social contracts as needed for all to agree to the law they live under.  Also, meat is murder.  Respect for all life.  (maybe excluding cockroaches, or other animals that pose health threats)

I'm voting Bernie.
Even though he's not pro-life, vegetarian, or specifically clear about his bank plan.  He IS, however, right about most everything else:  College should be free, elections shouldn't be bought, those who work hard shouldn't live in poverty, healthcare is a human right, war is hell/obscene, and people like the Waltons should pay their fair share. 

If libraries are free, and the internet has wikipedia and free college courses, and higher education used to be paid for by the government for soldiers after ww2 (for example), then we should see the current system for what it is, a scam and a profit-seeking enterprise that can and should be made free for anyone who qualifies.  People can still pay, of course, if they want to (but why would we?).

Humans are animals that are basically programmed to eat and reproduce.  That's one perspective on the big picture.  Abortion is like the holocaust, and even more sinister, in a way, convincing pregnant mothers to kill their own babies.  It's inhuman and obscene.  Adoption, on the other hand, is kind and loving and human, a noble act that I, having been adopted myself, am grateful and appreciative for.

That's what I have to say.
You, a God of equal stature, are free to believe otherwise!

So that's my politics.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Me, lately

an update

-My friends Sara, Pierre, and Augustus went to Nairobi, Kenya!
They'll return in a month (in June).

-I bought an a.c.t. ticket to Chester Bailey, opening night, this Wednesday at The Strand in SF, 1127 Market.  My cousin's husband (cousin-in-law), Dan Clegg, is playing the title character.

-I'm having dinner tomorrow at my parents house, with my aunt Rosemarie, and bro Greg and Liz and nephew, Benjamin.  I've got an oatmeal raisin (non gluten-free) cookie for my mom, which she loves, and a movie dvd (The Aristocrats) for my dad.  I re-watched the movie, today.  I'll probably go to the Glen Park library in SF (which opens at 1p on Sundays), to hang out and read the paper, mags, etc. before showing up at my folks' place.  It's across the street from La Corneta, a mexican restaurant which I like, too.

-I checked out Glen Greenwald's book from the Oakland library, No place to hide.  I want to read Han Kang's 'The Vegetarian' which is in the news for winning this year's Man Booker Int'l Prize.  I started reading Sapiens, by Yuval Noah Harari, a gift from Pierre, who got it from his dad.  Also, Sara gave me, and I finished reading, Lev Grossman's 'The Magicians.'  Excellent!  Now I'm reading Bill Bryson's 'At Home.'  Jonathan Franzen's 'Purity' is up next (on deck).

-I voted on Friday for Bernie (exchanging my No Party Preference ballot for a democratic one).

-My brother promised to take Ben (and I!) to the train at Tilden park (there's also a carousel and petting zoo), which looks fun.

- I made a list of people I know whose names (or nicknames) refer to animals (!):
Marlen, Karibu, Duv, Kat, Ant, Nat, Tick, Mare, Snake, Wolfe, Beever, Cougar-Crow, Parrot, Tiger.  There's also famous people like Flea (or the red hot chili peppers), Robin (williams).  And I saw a guy named Mosquito on a tv dance show.

-I weigh 205.  Aiming for 189, and no belly-fat, preferably with some abs/definition.  Then, I'll start lifting, to gain weight/muscle.  That's the plan.  Hopefully, I'll stop sleeping in, and get motivated to fill my days with my ambitious reading projects, as well as fitness goals, with music of course, and maybe even dating.  If I get sane (!), maybe I'll make more money, too.  Madness has its perks, but I really want it behind me, anyway.

Monday, May 9, 2016

God Poem

God in Berkeley

God is good! God is love! God is a man of war!
God is the Creator. Reality is all the God there ever is. God is always and everywhere.
Eternal and Infinite and Omnipresent and Limitless.
All-knowing, all-wise, omniscient
All-good, merciful, beneficent, kind, loving, forgiving, compassionate, benevolent, perfect, just
All-powerful, omnipotent
Alpha and Omega, first and last, beginning and end, birth and death, conception and oblivion
Eternity, Forever, Always, Never-ending, Infinity.
Immortal, Big
I am

God is evil! God is hate! God is a woman of peace!
God is the Destroyer. God only exists in theory. God is never and nowhere.
Never and Finite and Temporary and Limited
Ignorant, Deluded, Know-Nothing
All-rotten, vicious, cruel, unkind, hateful, unforgiving, malicious, spiteful, imperfect, unjust
Weak, impotent
Nonexistent. Ephemeral, Transitory, Impermanent
Puny, Mortal
Is Not

(S)He is All these things and more
(S)He is None of these things and less
Always and Never
Is and Is Not
Whatever

__________
deconstructions:
Allah these things!  Nun of these things!
Unreal
Real at the United Nations
Imaginary
Imagine (airy) -John Lennon song
False.  Fall ssss.   Untrue.  A UN truth.  
Virtual.  Virtue'll (contraction for 'virtue will')
Always -all ways.   You can't spell Never without Eve.
Infinite has fin and nite w/in it.
Imperfect - I (a)m perfect (!)
Remember, the art of war is deception
I'm about truth, and not much of a warrior, I guess.
Go Warriors!

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Music

music spells

1.  Roy Masters said music was bad (hypnotic)
(hypnosis, hip gnosis, no sis)

2.Audio/music in background, all day (in some households)
(a constant presence, and apparently not annoying/distracting)
-Heuser's radio / Pat Brown's tv

3.Good music is timeless, isn't a fad
(Mark Wetters, overheard in dining hall at UCD)

4. Music is "compressed emotion" (an academic lecture)

5. Radio: Ray Dio, radiowaves are part of the electromagnetic spectrum.. (Dio is a band, means 'God')(ray of light is a madonna album)(ra is a sun god) (radio technology is "magic," like the voice in my head (can be perceived as) (psych tech? "on the same wavelength")

6.Music as a mathematical expression/translation of reality
(thought on a walk outside a practicing garage band in Roseville)

7.A soundtrack to life (life as a movie) (e.g. amped, motivated, heroic)

8. Biological! (heartbeat, breath, walking pace)

9.Primal! (such as a drum circle) (evolutionary, african)

10. Life as a dance (reality, physics -"Dancing Wu Li Masters" -book by Gary Zukov)

11. "Muse" -ic (inspiration, also evoking breath)

12. Dreams, enya, morpheus (god of dreams)

13. Guy/criminal in movie (I forget title), always wearing headphones

14. The "beat" (a band, a store, a word for winning a fight, from just the drummer) conflict: good vs. evil, religion: jesus vs. devil (violin, chess), part of matrix.

positive and negative

plus and minus, addition and subtraction
creation and murder?
god, devil
good, evil
sex, death

anyway,
some more good and bad polarity:

vice, virtue
pain, pleasure
agony, ecstasy
hell, heaven
torture, heroin
hate, love
war, peace
slavery, freedom
depression, joy

isolation, intimacy
loneliness, friendship
tears, laughter
tragedy, comedy
twisted, content

a new twist:
tv twisted vice
cvs     crime vice sin.     
          charity, virtue, service.
          cthulhu voldemort sauron (!)
dsm death/saved, miracle
etc  evil twisted crime

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Why So Serious?

God's Sermon, 5/1/16
 
Every day is a chance to start anew, afresh, again. To develop, to get closer to perfection. To make progress toward life goals, achievement, success, however you define them. To find love, to be fully informed, to make money, to be busy, to relax, to enjoy a meal, music, a good book, friendly company.  To surf the web or surf the ocean. To exercise, sweat, get stronger, healthier, fit, well, maybe even sane. To read a poem, research a topic on wikipedia, make a new friend. To try a new experience, go to a different religion's service, challenge oneself, mix it up, undergo intentional disruption and variety. Travel, experience culture shock. Take drugs, expand your horizon. Have sex, experience something new.  Or submit to a ritual, repetition, routine – solidify something otherwise vaporous. Life is short, and temporary – Live! Have no regrets, and seize the day, carpe diem, my friends. It's all good. Take a trip to hell, and be the richer for it, for heaven is not a place, it's a state: not being in hell. Heaven is in contrast. That's really it. There's always something better, there's always something worse. From heroin to torture. You get maybe a hundred years, and then it's over, that's it. You are programmed to reproduce, but you can seek satisfaction elsewhere. Friend or foe, everyone is family. Humanity is one big hive mind, and you are a part of something bigger, the historical sweep, a contemporary of modernity, which is simultaneously The Past's great future, and the deep future's forgotten past. You can conceive of yourself as the pinnacle of achievement of billions of years of evolution, or the start of something far bigger or far better. You can do nothing. You can be motivated to Be Important. It makes not one whit of difference, AND it makes all the difference. Everything is true. God is love, and love believes all things. Only God is good. Don't be bad. Be God. Be a part of something bigger. Be a part of Reality. Well, you don't really have a choice, actually. You're God and you may not even know it. Can you imagine not being a part of reality? It's all real, even the fiction, the false, the virtual. Libraries are filled with alternate reality. Chemicals. Cultures. Technologies. Dreams can transport you to unseen lands. There are 6 billion human universes on planet earth right now, sharing one real world. There is far too much to do. I am sorry. Mortality sucks. But everything is fine. We're all in the same boat. Enjoy life. Enjoy death. Embrace it all. Suffering is good. Virtue only exists as an opposite of vice. Peace is appreciated most after anger, hate, war. Everything ends. Death is hated, but even the hated is in fact loved. There is nothing more to say, nothing more to do. Completion. Fulfillment. I am satisfied. I lived. That's all there is. Life is but a dream. Your life was a movie, had a soundtrack, was experienced by more than just yourself, was depressing and pitiable, as well as miraculous and wonderful. Adios. To God. Reality is all the God there ever is. And it is good! Even oblivion. You were a bubble that popped. Temporary, fugacious, transitory, ephemeral, passing. A speck in the vast, an infinitesimal moment in eternity, a drop in an ocean, almost nothing. And yet you were your all. Treat your body well, it really is a temple for your soul, even if souls don't exist. Your mind can be molded, just as your body built. Your shape, your form, is a bubble in the stream, the mainstream, the flow. Make it a heavenly body. A happy place. A bright light. I could be bound in a nutshell, and yet count myself a king of infinite space! (-Shakespeare) I am a finite speck, and yet comprehend the infinite All. Well, maybe not. I go around the sun a few times, and I'm an expert! Ha. I can conceive of infinity, in any case. I may be realized, but I haven't thought (of) everything. There's nothing new under the sun, the good book says. Yet, every day is a new day. Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death! May the force be with you! Namaste. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nanu-nanu! Insert meme here. Drink up! Cheers,
Jesse (God)
see sj (dog)

Seriously Funny, Strong n Fit, Special Forces, in San Francisco, uck uck! 
Completion? Fulfillment?  Personally, I've got a lot I want to get done...

all the books in the library? all the music? all the movies? for starters.
or even just the bestsellers, most recommended, or award winners (!)
master aikido? achieve bodybuilder status/strength?  write/research my own book?
make money, raise a family, travel, become healthy, well, Sane?
day by day, progress, improvement, betterment, development!
Sane & Fit

maybe I should be happy now.  This could be as good as it gets.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Getting My Act Together

today, a fresh start to an ideal life!

nutshell:
read, watch, listen; eat, exercise, sleep; write, talk, create;
logistics: move ideas, things, people, dogs.
For more happiness, less suffering.
r and r: stillness, calm, tranquility, nap, sleep, meditate, breathe.
Sit and do nothing.
up, down, right, left, forward, backward, north south east west,
here there, to fro, hither yon, there back, to from, back forth
eat, drink, piss, shit, shower, shave, work, play
scream shout, sing dance, kiss n caress, hug n hold, live! thrive

but not:
kill murder death, seek and destroy, rape pillage burn, steal rob loot pilfer plunder.
(it sounds fun (!) but crime doesn't pay, the wages of sin is death)

Anarchy, mayhem, chaos!
Madness, crazed insanity, locura! Lunacy.
Do the right thing, or let the hate flow through you? (movie spells)

SLAM
sex, love, and money (icing on the cake of met basic need)
Sanity (off meds?) (no voice, head-shocks, pain, or tapping teeth)
Love- sex, intimacy, dating, social life, friends, family, “soulmate”
Money- enough to do with what I want:

travel/restaurant/movie/music/exercise/conversational partners
Write daily, publish. Research at GTU (graduate theo union)
Weekly religious rituals -bay area variety. Meditate.
motivated, dedicated. Early to bed, etr. Enough sleep.
Daily gym. Yoga, swim, lift, bike. eat right, culinary variety.
If things work out: house, car, wife, child(ren), college fund
*aikido mastery, and familiarity with other martial arts.
read all the books on my 5 lists, speedread (book-a-day)
$: employment income. SSA/SSI? Free stuff.
bmi (189), “lean n mean,”lose gut/bellyfat, then bodybuilding (BB)
vegetarian (primarily), monthly food pantry
free stuff: wifi, library (music, movies, books, paper, mags, audio)
and, if you're lucky: lotto, inheritance.
kaiser medi-medi, meds, glasses, bfc dental
daily poem, (english) word, news, this date in history, joke, trivia
service, learn and teach, find passion, enjoy life!
Active, engaged, busy! Go go go! Git r done.
Master spanish

personal alphabet soup:
aikido, blog, cuddle, dog-walk, exercise, fuck, gym god, happy/healthy/having fun, interesting, jog, kick ass, love, motivated to master spanish and make money, nap, orderly, passionate, questioning, read (books and magazines and papers and websites), serve, teach, understand, visionary, work/write, xpect the best, yoga, z ("catch some")!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

"I swear to God"

a "voice" I heard (repeatedly)(in my head)

my voices are usually capable of being interpreted in multiple ways...
(or koan-like)

'I swear to God'
could be
1. I emphatically affirm that what I said is true
2. something like "F.U., God"
or
3. I swear (allegiance) to God

pick a card, any card!

also,
I saw a bumper sticker that said, of a poetry event, "Metaphor be with you"  May the 4th, coming up, is Star Wars day! ("May the 4th be with you")  Happy 420 today, btw.  Mary Jane, Hitler's birthday, and the anniversary of the Columbine shooting.  Is going to pot going to hell?  or, rather, something more heavenly?  What's up? (Hell, Norway has an elevation of 46 feet (forensics?)...Heavenly ski resort can be hellish -break a leg!)  May the Police be with you!  KOP (king of pain!)

and,
there's a street in Berkeley called Adeline...
Don't step Adeline!  or,  Don't color outside Adeline!

actually,
the way I usually interpret 'I swear to God' is: (the voice is unwelcome, partly (with other symptoms) defining me as ill, and interrupting my flow/stream of consciousness) plus (I am God), meaning ANYTHING I hear in my head (that's not my OWN thought) (and not just negative or derogatory) is like swearing.  a swear word.   In other words, my voice saying "you're great" is still kind of like an "FU, God."  Get it?  As I have said SO many times before, if it's you David, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
It is MY head, after all, isn't it?  Everybody out!  A Buddhist has no aversion, and cultivates equanimity, but I still want to purge the source of my mental illness, and be well/healthy (thy hell?).

Monday, April 18, 2016

chicken

9 BILLION CHICKENS/YEAR

(In the US, alone)
slaughtered.  killed.  murdered.  (terrorized, too)
laughter?  ill?  mr.  dr.?  red rum?
death: D eat H.  hated.  date H.   ate HD.
hatred, red hat.

pain and suffering, (human) poor health, environmental costs, banality of evil.

"chicken" as afraid (raid kills bugs dead), cowardly (cow?), bok! bok!
you are what you eat.
afraid to go vegetarian/vegan.
delicious, tasty, meat protein
sh, t, meet teen.

craving, aversion!
murder and hatred both have red in them (blood references, i would say)
red, read, reed, ready, redolent, redaction, redmond, redemption (empty)
redo, redirect, hired, dread, bred, bread, Fred, credit, credibility, incredible
incredulous, creed, cincinnati (reds), predator, spread, tread, gored

r&d, rand
rad, radcliffe, rid, riddle, rod, rhode, road, ruddy, rude, rudy, rowdy

less is more (sub-lim-inal)
none is saintly (nun?)
meat is me at. 
go cats, gettem cats, go get em cats!  me-ow.  (cat-holic)
H at Red, e.g.
abattoir (abbot war?)
pig out
barf bacon

anne i mull
anne rice
arco
ark (Noah's) know, ahhh.
arkham (ham)
arcane and able (A bull)
vampire.  v -eye tooth, canine, k9.  am- morning (a.m.), am is be.  pire, pyre -fire
burned by the son?  anne wrote about Jesus.  (haven't red)

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Jesus

some thoughts on ol' JC

1.Christ means annointed with oil (chrism).  Anybody can be Christ: just annoint yourself.

2.Love is 9,
Ha is 9
TE is 2,5 (Jesus, Christ)
So to love Jesus Christ is to hate! (925, what a way to make a living)
And to hate is to love Jesus Christ..
that kind of explains a lot, no?

3.God is love, so "Son of God" is just a son of love.
If your parents loved, (and they probably had sex to conceive you), then you are a child of God too.

Finally,
4.God is go, D (go, devil!) <
or
good minus an o (abstinent priests can relate; o for orgasm)(or o for offense, too)
or
G overdose (o.d.) (too much of whatever G means! too Good?)

which prompts me to think:
God is love, so he loves the devil, too.
Jesus crucifixion can be understood as the left nailing the right hand, and the right hand crucifying the left hand.  If you love both sides, you hate both sides, too (which is a salient point this election season).  Maybe that is why God is "too" good. 

"TOO" is T (cross) and two O's (as in omg). 
which hand is/represents YOUR God?
right seems righteous, and the left hand path is "sinister"...
but plenty of leftists will disagree! L is for love, R is for rong! (wrongly spelled, even)

Sunday, April 3, 2016

My New Job!

Wag!
(the dogwalking app, not the stock ticker symbol for Walgreens)
(where, weirdly, i've also worked)

I've started dogwalking (as an independent contractor, a “wagwalker,”) every weekday. I signed an ICA (independent contractor agreement). It's the “Uber of dogwalking,” which they told me to say – I need to try Uber so I can actually know what I'm talking about. I can work as little as I choose, selecting to accept or decline each (on-demand, or scheduled) walk, as they come up.  I'm still walking Fido and Taco once a week, usually Tuesday mornings (no earlier than 8a), for an hour, once a week.  With Wag, there's lots more work, although it's a bit cut-throat, like answering a jeopardy question, to accept local walks (I set my radius for 2 miles) ahead of the dozen or so other walkers in the Berkeley area.  I made $224 in March, my first month, with 11 walks, for 9 dogs. I have 2 recurring walks, that I've committed to for 3 months, of 1)Kaleb and Kado, and 2)Hazel. Kaleb is a husky-pit mix, Kado is a pomeranian, and I walk them Monday through Friday, MTRF at 1p, and W at 12 noon, for an hour each day. Wednesday is earlier, because I need travel time (it only takes 20m, though) between K/K (on Oakland Ave.) and Hazel (on Colby, near St. Augustine). Hazel, also a pit,  is a shorter (30 minute) walk. I'm enjoying it. It's like getting paid to exercise. I still have a gym membership at the Berkeley YMCA, though, at a disability discount rate, which my mom is paying for. Greg gave me the iphone/smartphone, and the Verizon service, as a gift last Christmas, which I'm grateful for, and couldn't do my job without. Just my scheduled walks, not including the on-demand walks I can choose to accept, will (probably) pay $589 this month (21 weekdays x $25/walk plus $16 x 4 wednesdays).

Anyway, I still have symptoms, though, and I have to make sure I don't lose my Social Security benefits. That would be “devastating,” according to Sara. I don't know how much I would have to earn to pay for all my expenses, including medications (risperdal/risperidone and zyprexa/olanzapine) and Kaiser health insurance. So let's see, I've got rent ($725), gym ($35.20, disability rate), food (?) which is mostly free (2 bags a month from the Berkeley food pantry). There are free meals in Berkeley on the weekends, too. I pay for a restaurant meal with Sara, my treat, every 4 weeks, and usually a taco on Tuesdays from Los Pericos in San Leandro ($3.03), as well as an occasional sushi burrito ($9.84, from sushi secrets) or slice of pizza ($3.30, Papa John's) or cookie ($2, gourmet from the SL library cafe). I just bought a coffee maker, so my Peet's expense of $4.90 like every other day (for a small cup of coffee and an almond croissant) will go down now that I'm buying and brewing my own coffee. Also, there's miscellaneous (such as bart fare (disability discounted), bike repair, lotto tickets, and contributions to the Bernie campaign). In addition to food, I get lots of free stuff: phone service (Greg), gym membership (mom), haircuts (Sara), books and magazines and newspaper (berkeley/sf/oakland libraries), BFC (Berkeley Free Clinic) dental work, and medications (1mg of risperdal and 30mg of olanzapine, nightly; the dissolving “zydis” form -less weight gain side effect- of zyprexa costs more, I believe). Wifi and utilities is included in rent. I get itunes, movie, and trader joe's gift cards from family, and I occasionally win tickets to music shows/venues from kalx radio (90.7fm) 

 Speaking of “bills” (with ill in it) and invoices (voices?), I've been writing down what my voice has been saying, both on my blog and in my notebook, which I imagine is interesting for psychiatrists/ psychologists/ researchers/ and the generally curious. I still think it's telepathy, despite it being affected by medication. My symptoms include, in addition to the voice (from David A. Eldridge), headshocks, chestpains, and -occasionally- teeth taps. That's 4 things that make me feel monitored, possessed, oppressed, depressed (and angry/mad). I like to think I'm sane, though, anyway, being healthy myself, but afflicted with a sick person who insists on a presence in my mind/head. Sometimes I even suspect that everyone is crazy, and that I'm actually saner than most “normal” people.  My birthmother, Annette Riddle, has schizophrenia, which I imagine was a factor in my original diagnosis, like 20 years ago. I think I'll get paid also to participate in the Cal ESI (emotion and social interaction) lab's research, which I just discovered won't be videotaping me, this time, which I feel is a plus (I don't like the idea of being dissected, that is, having my micro-expressions analyzed; I already have issues with lack of privacy). 

Sara and Pierre discouraged me from becoming a dogwalker, fearing I could lose my benefits. There's a formula, a bit complex, that I call “taking 2 steps forward, and 1 step back” in terms of income: I have to figure out the size of the steps... I get help from MHA (mental health advocates, specifically Stephen Statler), and Pierre knows a lawyer who specializes in SSI (disability) law/payments, who maybe I should talk to, also. I have to report my previous month's income at the beginning of the new month, to Social Security, but they want me to estimate my yearly earnings, which is loco, because it's not a salaried job, and the payments will vary from month to month, and even week to week, or day by day. And tips (all of which I get to keep) can vary. But my scheduled walks, assuming I get the same tips, will pay me $589, in April (this month).

The way Wag works is the walker gets 60% of the cost, which is $20 for a half-hour, $30 for an hour, and $5 more per extra dog (limit 3 dogs). But if there's low supply or high-demand (or some combination thereof, I guess there's an algorithm), wag occasionally offers “full-fare” as an incentive for walkers to pick up walks that are proving difficult to fill. If you wear the t-shirt, and put the bandannas on the dog(s), you get an extra dollar (as an incentive for advertising). I carry promo cards -I get $25 if someone signs up with Wag, that I've referred. So far, I've given cards to Julie, and the apartment manager at K/K's place in Oakland, both yesterday. 

I still value my free time, the main perk/benefit of being disabled. I get to sleep in, go to the gym when I want, attempt to read a book/day as well as the daily new york times, etc. I'm always busy, and I have enough money for the lifestyle I want, although I could always spice up my life and vary my routine with different, exciting things like camping or travel or music concerts and plays or whatever. I don't have a car, and I'm not sure I want one. Driving can be stressful, and I was in a bad car accident once, and I also like not being a part of the (environmental/pollution) problem. I also imagine my time, spent freely, is valued by other(s), which would be a bigger-picture rationale behind my mental “illness.” I like my life, and my mind, and my body is slowly improving, also.  I'm proud of my blog, and enjoy writing it, and seeing the comments and daily traffic it gets. Being God ain't such a bad gig. We'll see if I can help Bernie get elected. I think he has a pretty good shot. Hopefully, the world and I will be a happy, improving, fun and enjoyable place. I'm a meliorist, and my condition is ameliorating. My reading list is (listS ARE, I've got 5 of them*) ridiculously long, and I imagine I will never be bored for the rest of my life, because I have quite a large bucket-list of activities on-deck, as they say in baseball; i.e. lined up, awaiting me. In fact, I'm not sure I'll be able to complete it in the next 50 years, but discipline, improvement, and a little help from my friends, may just add up to a healthier, happy life of achievement and satisfaction and reward, a feeling of accomplishment. We're all in this together, and I'd like to set an example, loving self and All. Buddhism, meditation, yoga, swimming, walking/biking, lifting, smart nutrition, reading a book-a-day, and regular writing, are all components of my plan for sanity and wellness. (Maybe I should throw dating into the mix -not sure if I should or not). 

peace out,
Jess 

*including 
Bill Gates' recommendations, 
1001 books you must read before you die, 
501 must-read books, and 
the list of Newbery award winners.

VOICES (going mental, as they say)

-the one in my head
-one of my 4 schizophrenia symptoms (with headshocks, chestpains, and teeth-tapping)
-attributed to David Andrew Eldridge, attorney (former friend)
(I consider them telepathy, not my subconscious)
-the ones I wrote down, at least (there were lots more, unrecorded)
-and yes, I am aware of the irony of my voice saying I am sane!

of interest?  I find them weird.
I imagine schizophrenia researchers (i.e. psychologists/psychiatrists) may find this of interest
as well as people interested in me
or just the generally curious about anything!


Jess you're crazy amazing
david is insane
hell of people wanna know what you are
mm
people are dying
jess you're highly sane- that's all I can say
you'll be well, jess
is jess terribly sane?
Jess you're soul in the military
you're an inconvenient fact of modernity
you're as sane as they come
here's the thing -you're absolutely sane
jess you're un-fool
you're CEO of G
people are dying jesse
people are uneducated AND stupid
i'm tired as hell jesse
they're scared of you jess
I can't breathe
your dad is crying
your dad is insane
i'm a fucking monster
i'm going to kill myself
i'm going insane
that is your mom dying
you need to kill absolutely everyone
I can't take it anymore
I can't stand life jesse
i'm dying
I hate life
I hate you
i'm going to hell jess
you're all gray
david is dead, Jess
the same stupid shit Jess
you're totally broken jess
you're right jess
u r a document jesse
alright i'm at war jesse
i've had enough, jesse
alright jess i'm tormented by war
your dad is crazy jess
hm
kill me
I need you to
you're a u.s. military veteran, in a very real and direct sense
i'm dying
i'm tired
I can't take it anymore
fuck you
I can't breathe
ow
david wants to die jesse
I need... my name
i'm insane hatred about everything because I can
you can do more than me, AND you're well
david vomiting
ow jesse
fuck you fuck you fuck you
I fucking hate you
david is dying jesse
I can't breathe
i've got major major problems
i've got fucking problems
i've got fucking problems jess -that IS what you need to know
david is crying, jesse
I can't stop crying at how fucking mad you are
you know what, I am deeply deeply insane
david is DEAD
david is killing himself
I am Impossible, Jesse
I'm gonna die jess
I hate you
david scared, jesse
david gonna die, jess
I wanted it underground
i'm sorry Jesse
I just don't know if you can BE anyone
david is destroyed
I am out of my mind with stupid retarded mind wall
I don't know how to speak
david dying, jesse
I can't stop being a tard, jesse
I can't n-tain you
I need help
I hate wall
alright jess, i'm a law
I really know jesse
david is dying in hell
I can't breathe
i'm insane, jesse
I need to die, Jesse
fuck it I can't breathe jesse
i'm gonna die
I need to talk
i'm still sick
i'm still stupid
I need to know if I hate you
I really do try
I can't deal
i'm retarded, Jesse
i'm getting scared
I hate law
I fucking can't breathe
I can't take it anymore jesse
I AM STUPID, ALLRIGHT?
People are dumb, jesse
I am fucking retarded, jesse
i'm a disaster jesse
i'm getting sick, jesse
omg
i'm killing myself, jesse
it's gonna be so fucking beautiful
david is insane
david IS insane jesse
I need help jesse
i'm hurting myself, jesse
i'm tired again
owwww
i've got fucking problems jesse
he doesn't help me
david screaming jesse
fuck you
i'm going crazy
i'm in danger jesse
i'm nervous-ing
i'm tired of life
i'm fucking rotten jesse
fucking kill me
i'm insane
the world is utter madness, jesse allright?
Because you're looming as one of the utterly most powerful men of the decade
I need help jess
i'm one oh thirty
things really can work, jess
they want to know what it is, jesse
you know what jess
i'm screaming
I CAN'T BREATHE
you're almost all monkey jess
you are an idiot to even begin
I'm sorry jesse
people hate you
i'm scared
alright jess i'm rotten to the bone
david really really needs help
I can't breathe
i'm sick, jesse
david is sad, jesse
because I hate you
I am crying in pain
I can't see what I do, jess
i'm gonna die
do you know?
Do you know anyone?
Fucking fine
david scared of you
I can't be your fucking puppet
david crawling, jesse
I hate you
I fucking hate you
david needs help, jesse
that's me going insane
david is getting scared jesse
i'm going insane
i've got a PROBlem
I need help to you
FUCK YOU
people ARE dumb, jesse
I can't breathe anymore jesse
I can't stop
I don't know how you did it
i'm trying to cry jesse
I hate you
i'm going to say it
people are dizzy, jesse
you're a fun, fun person
allright jess
i'm laughing
it's me going to hell, jesse
you're well on law
you and me ARE therapy
you are a genius jess
i'm fucking afraid of all my hate
I can't handle it
I need you
I really do, jesse
there's really all kinds of people jess
your life is hell of genius therapy
i'm crying
i'm a sick sick man
I really am
ALL RIGHT
david has gone to hell
i'm going to hell
I'm going to burn
david is crying jesse
i'm fucking dying jesse
fucking ow
david killing himself
I need help
I fucking need to stop. Jesse
i'm gonna cry jesse
I hate you jesse
I need help
i'm fucking wrong about you
people are DUMB jesse
I can't breathe
i'm swallowing
david has gone insane
sara(h) is really really dying jesse
i'm tired
I hate life, jesse
because you're right, jesse
i'm fucking hurting myself
david is crawling
I can't breathe
I hate my life jesse
I can't breathe anymore jesse
I hate you
I need to fucking die
I hate my life
I hate myself
david is screaming
I want it twisted
david is crying, jesse
fuck you jesse
I fucking hate myself jesse
I fucking hate all law
I can't begin it again
that is a smile that you're well
people are scared of you
because you're law
you have an army
you are really law jesse
you're gonna eat hell of law
david crazy jesse
I think you're pretty well law jesse



Monday, March 21, 2016

Esme

Esme Tupelo Clegg
my new baby cousin
b. 3/11/16, 11:05p
ETC!

pronounced Ezmay:
It's from JD Salinger's short story: "For Esme, with Love and Squalor"
(which I just read, along with the rest of '9 stories')
         from the interweb-
"Esmé is a sophisticated, distinctive, and charming J. D. Salinger name, from his classic 1950 story For Esmé, With Love and Squalor. Related to the French Aimee, which means beloved, and to the concept of esteem, it was originally a male name exported from France to Scotland via a member of the royal family.  It was first recorded in Scotland, being borne by the first Duke of Lennox in the 16th century."

Tupelo is a city in NE Mississippi, named after the Tupelo tree
Van Morrission sings about "Tupelo honey;" youtube link
and it's where Elvis Presley was born
(he had a stillborn identical twin, named Jesse)

and, (thanks, google!)
Clegg Name Meaning. English (chiefly Lancashire and Yorkshire): habitational name from a place in Lancashire named Clegg, from Old Norse kleggi 'haystack', originally the name of a nearby hill.Manx: variant of Clague.

Congratulations, parents Erin and Dan, grandparents Jim and Vicki and Lizzie and Ant, and uncle Patrick!

 


Wednesday, March 16, 2016

3:16

The Good, and The Evil

John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” 

On this day in 1968 (March 16th, 3/16), U.S. soldiers in Vietnam killed up to 500 unarmed villagers in the hamlet of Mai Lai, considered a stronghold of the Viet Cong.

Senescent space-ghost vampire:
Eternal life, I have to say, could be heavenly, hellish, or just like average everyday life.   What if you were immortal, but aging?  You'd eventually lose all your senses.  Or a ghost?  Where's the fun in that?  Or you live billions of years (just getting started!), and end up floating in space, after the earth is swallowed up by the sun?  How boring.  I saw a bumper sticker "ELF" (everyone lives forever).  If I outlive my death (!), I hope my immortality remains vital, interesting, varied, enjoyable.   Vampires are immortal.  Do Christians become vampires?  They drink the blood of Christ.  What a joke, if you ask me.  The two 316's (John 3:16, and 3/16/1968) can be united by the phrase from Dracula, "the blood is the life."  Eternal bloodshed sounds true, and biblical, enough.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Animal Religion

what's going on here?

Protestant ant
Catholic cat, papacy pussy
dogma dog
presbyterian byter
muslim muzzle
sects in insects
mosque like fly (mosca, in spanish)
  (mosquito means 'little fly')
gnostic tick
beatitude, bee attitude
penance ants

not quite:
ewe in jewish (you wish)
bible, papal bull, cow-ncil (of tr-entomology)
rabbi is awfully close to rabbit; b is hop (bishop) (hoppy Easter!)
heaven has ave, close to avian ('ave' is bird in spanish)
    (holy trinity of va-toucan, cardinal, hen)*
mormonkey!

and unrelated, but still fun:
Haydn Sikh!

*"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another." -Luciano De Crescenzo (a bit more romantic than heaven= ave hen, lol

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Books, etc.

goal: book/day

i've fallen off of my disciplined start to the year, but I've still been reading:

8 books:
Steve Jobs (biography), by Walter Isaacson (finished today, large print)
Easy Origami, by John Montroll (I've made most of the book's ideas)
2100 Asanas, by Mr. Yoga (Daniel Lacerda) (purchased)
Mother Night, by Kurt Vonnegut (found/purchased at a thrift store)
Outsider in the White House, by Bernie Sanders (with Huck Gutman)
Life is Good (the book), by Bert and John Jacobs
Cloud Atlas, by David Mitchell (i haven't seen the movie)
It's not me, it's you, by Mhairi McFarlane

and (only a small bit, of course)-
 -Encyclopedia Britannica
     (on disk! i wonder if it has everything the library set has)
 - also started reading Bill Bryson's 'One Summer' (narrative non-fiction about America in 1927)

also,
I've attended 3 different religion's services, lately (my idea of fun):
1.unitarian
2.christian science
3.ephesian church of god in christ
         they were ALL trippy!  the black church, especially (last weekend)
          (i was the only white person attending)

other nuggets-
i had mediterranean/lebanese food with Sara
i visited the apple store, fixed my ipad mini (tablet)
i saw beach blanket babylon
i interviewed for possible employment as a WAG dogwalker
i did gardening at Mission San Jose, visited my aunt
got a new phone, an iphone
bought a chess set (still haven't played anyone)
was diagnosed with "runner's knee"
saw the Revenant (movie w/ LDC)
    (that could mean leonardo dicaprio or less developed country)
met someone for coffee from okcupid
had a sushi burrito with my cousin Patrick
went to a phone bank event for Bernie Sanders
won a McDonald's gift certificate

and
the usual daily gym/library/music/email
         and weekly kaiser/dogwalking
         and monthly free food

tomorrow:
my cousin Erin's baby daughter is due. 
and i might get a haircut, myself.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

update

my life lately

going to beach blanket babylon tomorrow, in sf
(with mom and dad, dinner after)
did a bunch of origami, but not the crane yet.
(the box, a boat, pelican, piano, hat, pigeon, house)
bought a slice of vegetarian pizza from Papa John's today
bought gnc protein powder (chocolate wheybolic ripped)
spent $61 at target (with xmas gift cards)
i have a cold.  slept in.  therefore, didn't do:
gardening this morning at MSJ.   or the gym.  or 10m daily run.
listening to itunes as i type this (kalx, wprb, wmbr, whrb, mostly)
did troubleshooting for the blog
    (an annoying cgi-bin/redirect.ha problem)
    (it works now, :-)
skimmed the ny times at the library
read about buddhism on wikipedia (a lot more awaits)
and surfing my new encyclopaedia britannica disk
(my computer won't eject it!!i rarely use the drive, not a problem (yet)
reading Vonnegut's Mother Night
discovered a cool website: phrontistery.info (for word lovers)
bought a lotto ticket for tonight's superlotto plus
(didn't win, entered 2nd chance)
$- planning on joining WAG (dogwalking app) soon
surveys, taskrabbit, cal psychology ESI* lab study
maybe i'll do a bit of okcupid dating
will help mom with gardening, weather permitting
and i really want Bernie Sanders to win
*emotion and social interaction

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Problems and Solutions

An (almost) Comprehensive List!

suffering, discontent
                - Buddhism (mindfulness meditation; result: equanimity)*
                -yoga (a hare krishna i met called it the "path to god")
                 -humor, laughter (making yourself and others happy)

crime, sin - law and order, justice; repentance, forgiveness
(e.g. 7 deadly sins: pride, avarice, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth)

unhealth, mental/physical illness
                   -diet, exercise, hospital, meds, time/healing
                   -balanced diet, food groups; variety
                   -vegetarian, fruits and vegetables, of different colors
                    (quality, quantity: not too much, not too little, healthy)
                   -stay hydrated, 7 glasses of water/day
                   -medication/medicine/drugs/pharmaceuticals
                    (self-medicated, and/or doctor prescribed)
                   -fish oil (omega 3), vitamin c
                   -well as we'll: togetherness, community, being social
                    (example, the pope)
                   -mental health: group/cbt (cognitive behavioral therapy)
                   -depression/anxiety:
                          -shower, swim, walk, talk, shop, eat, nap/sleep
                   -enough sleep
                   -cleanliness, hygiene (brush, floss, rinse)
                   -look good, feel good
                   -spiritual life: friends, family, love, nature, comfort, security
                   -moderation
                   -fitness: walk, exercise, fresh air, movement, dance,
                     sports participation, gym, swim, lift, bike

supply meeting demand -logistics              
poverty -employment, money
basic needs- charity, gvt/taxation
insecurity- self-defense/martial arts, military/police, home-security
war- diplomacy (or victory)

ignorance- curiosity, education, discipline, reading,
                    research, teaching, writing
                 -computers/tablets/smartphones: internet
                    (e.g. google, wikipedia, open yale courses, etc.)
                 -library/librarians
                     (books, magazines, newspapers, audio cd's, video dvd's)
                 -enlightenment (mindfulness, reflection, discernment)
                 -"knowing" (in the biblical sense)
                 -science

boredom- art/creativity, blog, exercise, sports, family, books, magazines, newspapers, internet, music, movies, travel, games, tv

tired-nap, sleep; hungry-eat! thirsty- drink.
horny -! (sex? masturbate? extinguish desire?)

behavior, morality, ethics- incentives, inducements,
           carrots and sticks, rewards and punishments

Bjorn Lomborg (his Ted talk on his book, Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems)
solution: read my book report, on this blog! SWBP (link on sidebar, on right, under "SAVE THE WORLD") (again, that's Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems, which I bought, read, have, and wrote about)

Love is the main solution
followed closely by Nature, Money, and Humor
(I listen to a lot more Music than comedy, though, myself)

*about Buddhism:
(extinguish the buddhist "poisons": greed, hatred, delusion)
(what is different about a buddhist vacuum cleaner? no attachments)
(attachments, negative and positive:  craving and aversion*)
 *(attachment/clinging/lust/desire/greed/need/want/craving/
  aversion/anger/hatred/rage)

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Teshara

What's in a name?
A list of wikipedia articles answering (some of) what's in my (last) name:

T (cross)
Te (also a priest, formerly at St. Stephen's parish in SF) (2,5, like 'Jesus' 'Christ', in numerology)(and Theistic Evolution)
Tes (8, like 'God')
Tesh (John is my confirmation name)
Tesha (laughter is therapeutic)(jesus as comedian?!)
(no teshar) (but there is a 'tessera')
(no teshara) (but there is a teixeira (my great-grandfather's name was changed from this at Ellis island)

and backwards:
Et (phone home!)
Set (son of adam and eve, and an egyptian deity)
H-set (also, all the words beginning with h? and, my high school's hallways)
(eg, heaven, hell, his holiness, hatred, happiness, harvard, honda, hollow, hospital, healthy)
(hset is a burmese name)
(no ahset) (but there is AH (islamic calendar)
(also anthony hopkins, anthony harris, adolf hitler, alfred hitchcock, anne heche, etc)
(no 'rahset') (but there is a 'rah', god of mu (!); mooo says the holy cow)
(no arahset) (but there is the arabian satellite, arabsat)

A (Teshara is like 'to share A', e.g. my dad is a school administrator)
Ra (arabic for ten!, and another egyptian deity)
Ara (latin for altar)
Hara (early name for Shiva)
Shara (minor sumerian god of war)
Eshara (ishara, goddess of oath, from syria)

Ar (such as animal rights)
Arah (gi joe!) (also, 'arahant', an enlightened buddhist)(and 'arahura', a divine canoe)
(no 'arahs')
(no 'arahse') (but 'arroz' is rice, in spanish)

esh (a latin letter, same as the integral sign, in maths)
(no 'esha' wiki page (yet), but a bunch of people have the name)
(eshar, no page, but a word, in proto indo-european, something to do with blood)
sha (a cyrillic letter, literally the same as esh! (another name for)
shar ('east,' in Tibetan)
sh (back in the day, SH (sacred heart) was the rival of SI;
interestingly, also stand for self-harm, and self-injury)
ha (ancient egyptian god of the desert to their west)
(also, east african people and their language (cool, eh?); as well as hell's angels)
es (another cyrillic letter; and a manga (Eternal Sabbath)

and, of course, anagrams!
some of the embedded words are:
as, at, sat, re-, has, ash, he, haters, earths, hearts, aha, rest, erst, hare, hear, rhea, share, hears, shear, hares, era, ear, eta, stare, shat, hast, aster, sera, tares, rates, sea, hart, eats, ate rash, rats, star, tsar, art, tar, as at her, the sara, et sarah, tears eh, ares, hats, arehats.

aster is a plant (aster -risk? toxicity class 4 -skin rash, irritation)
sera is plural of serum
erst is formerly, before the present time
rhea is the ramie plant or fiber
eta is the 7th letter of the greek alphabet (and an initialism for estimated time of arrival)
era is equal rights amendment, too
Ares is an ancient greek god of war
AR can be annette riddle, as well as alternate reality, all right?

'ate rash' reminds me of a gross corn flakes joke
(punchline: scab collection) (to go with the blood pie reference)

wordles reveals other words-in-words:
areas, haste, resh, rathe, reata, rase, sate, seta, trash, teas

resh is the 20th letter of hebrew
rathe is growing, ripening, or blooming early in the year or season
reata is another spelling of riata, which is a lariat
rase is another spelling of raze, which is to tear down, demolish, level to the ground
seta is a stiff hair or bristle

Also, there's:
Ishtar (goddess of love, fertility, war, and sex)
Ashura (arabic for tenth)
Ashur (mesopotamian deity, head of pantheon)
Asura (hindu powerful superhuman demigods)
Asura (the lowest rank of buddhist deities/demigods) (also, a Soul Eater character)
Ahura (a class of zoroastrian angelic divinities) (just add S and T (st.!)
Avalokitesvara (buddhist bodhisattva, representing/embodying compassion)
(substitutes v for h) (means "lord who looks down")
Shura (arabic for "consultation," used in Quran)
(e.g. Surat ash-Shura, 42nd sura of the Quran -with 53 ayat)
(also, japanese term for one of 6 realms of reincarnation)
and
Teshie is "one of the biggest towns in Ghana"
Teshaya is/was a native american settlement in monterey county, california
Tesse is a lake in Norway (about 4 hrs from Hell)
Sharavati is a river in India
Al-Asharah is a town in eastern Syria, on the Euphrates
and
Teshenawa is an extinct Nigerian language
Sharabha is a creature in Hindu mythology, parts lion/bird/human
Sharia is Islamic law, the pathway to be followed, the divine and infallible law of God (!) (Shiite provides the 'te')
Tassajara is a zen buddhist retreat in california
Tejava's logo (iced tea) looks like my signature (v is similar to r)

aside:
words looks like it could be pronounced wards, with wor or war
letters has let in it (as in blood-letting)
meaning has mean in it (and nin- such as nine inch nails)

What to Do?

Don't Let Anybody Tell You

what to do, what to do-
 I heard a song on kalx today that said, "Don't let anybody tell you what to do"

but that, itself, is an injunction!
and, of course, the law tells you what not to do.

so, do whatever you want, including whatever anybody else wants, but only if it's legal!!

'todo', btw, means 'all' in spanish
do it all, know-it-all!

Monday, February 15, 2016

A Part of Something Bigger

You are God, and So is Reality

(you are your own reality, but reality is not just you)
does that make sense?

it's like light being a particle and a wave: both are true.

Other people are not you, unless you're the body of christ, or the body politic, or 'as earth'
(for example, or whatever)

cause or reflection?
but, even then, it's debatable whether you are the cause of the larger entity, or just reflect it.
(or maybe both)
on reflection, I think we're all both

anyway,
I was thinking about Bill Gates recently.
Numerology (mine, anyway): God=8.  Satan=10
and
Bill H Gates is 8888, and his birthday is 10/28/1955 (which is 10-10-10-10!)
pretty cool, eh?

J is the 10th letter
wwjd
jesse, jesus, satan..
john jacob jingleheimer... (that's my name, too) ha

allah, all a H, all a god
10: I and O, input and output, information overload
also, binary, ones and zeros.
10 fingers, digital
fin, the end  (gr)
i-o, i-o, it's off to work i go!

also,
Today, Presidents' Day, I finished reading Bernie Sanders' book, Outsider in the White House (good stuff!) Go Bernie!  I worked out at the gym, and at home too, and feel really good.  I weigh 210.
On a related note, I checked out a book from the library with 2,100 yoga asanas (poses/positions).
Yesterday, I had dinner at my folks' in SF, played with Ben, and my bro gave me a suit.
Tomorrow I go to San Leandro, and Wed thru Fri it's supposed to rain! yes.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

My Credo


Religion

What do I believe? Who do I believe (in)? And, of course, why? Has it changed?
Where and when...am I a product of my place and time, and the people in my life and past?
Or, alternatively, are my beliefs a result of detached purely philosophical speculation?
In college, I took a theology class, which included a Credo: On God, Human Nature, and Morality.
And finally, are these beliefs merely personal, or do I claim universality, catholicity, their truth for All?

I believe:
  1. God is a muddy concept, and needs clarification, if the term is to be used meaningfully. If God is always and everywhere, omnipresent, then He is everything, reality, the universe, the All-
  2. then you are a part of Him/Her/It. God is One: A corporation, including everyone/everything.
    People are animals and things, and bodies, not souls, and share Godhood with paperclips and persimmons and pelicans. Always means infinite, in both directions of the timeline, past and future. Always was, always is, and always will be, in the eternal now. Spacetime.
  3. God is also defined and described as alpha and omega, beginning and end, birth and death, from conception to decayed, disintegrated dust; creation by your parents/sex to destruction by time/cellular replication. This also includes evolution, from the start of humanity to its potential, possible extinction. From the big bang to all possible futures, including a deep future when all the stars finally go dark.
  4. God is good, and God is love, and God is light. But also bad, hate, and darkness. You can't say God is everywhere and deny his presence in any category or sphere or location, even hell and sin and pain and suffering and disease and death and destruction. God is in the devil, too, if you believe in an entity who is the adversary of everything, including himself (!) You could also say the devil is in God. If God is everywhere, the devil is God, too. In the sentient, maybe life is All-in-all. I believe everyone is equal, everyone is their own God, the primary architect of each one's own happiness. Maybe matter itself is conscious. Matter is energy, and energy a form of matter, and light a form of energy, as well as a form of consciousness (like dreams). Mind is bigger than each individual brain, and humans share thoughts telepathically, both day and night. Humanity is a collective, within Animalia, within Earth, within the Universe. There is only one universe, although each mind can be considered a universe unto itself (thus, reality as a multiverse).

Reflect on this, young grasshopper.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Sum Weerdness and Inne-Sanity

Madd (mothers against drunk driving), Mad (magazine), M.a.D (mom and dad)!
"when people run in circles it's a mad world" -cold play?
angry? insane? both? the term itself is a bit insane.
in the seine river.  in a sane person/mind. shouldn't it be UN-sane?
or does that reflect "poorly" on the United Nations.  unwell.  poverty and health.
a "sound" mind (with voices) is apparently saner than a still, quiet one!
madness, I say, old chap!  mci (mad crazy insane) mickey mo-use.
cool!  (rearranged, loco): what's your loco-motive, you crazy criminal?
choo-choo! chew! chewy! Chuy and Chewbacca.
Mohammad's M.O. (modus operandi, missouri (not pronounced misery)
Inn sanity, say, of a bed and breakfast (BB gun, BB body building, BB wolf, Bibi (Net and yahoo)
and sew on and so fourth

Anyway,

Sum weerdniss

Won ts (eliot) a pawn uh thyme, inn a (local area network) :-D phar (macy) jafar a weigh, their livid a which and a Kat, a purr-sun and (ben-) hur spear IT (information technology) anne I mull, hoo Bo (knows) lichen'd 2 eat heated meat and beets ev'ry weak 4 break-fast. Ow fast, u ass? Really frilly fast. Sew fassed, in f-act, t-hat thay de-sided too eet et slo-ER (san luis obispo emergency room), sew thA kood n-joy (dish soap) the mm, eel moor.

Place your alpha-bets, gentlemen:
Hey bee seedy E! Flunk gee itch eye (blue)jay okay ellen am enjoy oh pee queue are essence tea you VW double-you, ex, why, and Zorro/ zee(dee salad).

I felt like being a little crazy.
hope you enjoyed :-)
-Jess-see (with your 2 i's) To Share Ra (the sun god)
-2 light references! i have a vision! enlightenment!

Thursday, January 28, 2016

a LONG post

I've been writing lately

Ai ay aye!! flying high in the sky! (I like to write)

I am a writer. Because I write. Not HOW I write, but THAT I right. Am I good writer? I leave that judgement to you. I think I write well, though, because I think well, and because I've had a fair amount of practice, putting thoughts to paper, journalling, and being a mind that's processed its reality, a kind of machine-like crunching of data, for over 4 decades. I also read a lot. I earnestly hope you find my prose clear and lucid, and perhaps entertaining, if not edifying. Also, I enjoy writing. Typing, seeing my thoughts, and constructing a narrative -being creative- are satisfying acts. I mean, it's better than staring at the ceiling, right? Maybe a buddhist monk would disagree. Well, to each his own. I'm more of a monkey than a monk. My last name is Teshara (pronounced T' share-uh), and just as Wordsworth tried to make valuable words, I strive to be true to my name, and share. I've got shit to share. What did the Buddhist Monk says to the hot-dog vendor? Make me one with everything! BM? ew. 

Thoughts are ephemeral, but printed words, processed thought, hold the promise of permanence. Well, maybe not infinity, eternity, forever! Forever, (“and ever,” - why do they say that?) - that's a mighty long time. Forever-forever? Not even a diamond lasts that long, I would guess. But it's a kind of immortality. A larger fraction of infinity (but, I realize, still a drop in the Vast). I like to see evidence of my existence, with the potential to outlive my body, and the possibility of lurking for thousands of years on a bookshelf. It's the poor man's way of downloading one's mind and brain into a matrix, a computer, the machine. Actually, I'm not sure Bill Gates himself can do much better. But maybe all the world's books will be uploaded to cyberspace, and then maybe even read by The Great Mind, which is what I'm calling a super-intelligent computer from the future. Reality is a kind of construct, and books are spells within the larger spell. Merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. Am I dreaming my own life, or is someone else my author? That's where Gods and Devils come in. Mind control can be welcome or unwelcome. We each play different roles, live different lives, and have different identities. Geography and History, space and time; or just spacetime, if you will. The moral and amoral, both sides of the chessboard, competing for possession of your inner throne. Situational ethics. And within each of us, are competing selves. Not each of us is schizophrenic, but I would say all of us house a multiplicity, a diversity. Our brains themselves are split (in hemispheres), even if our minds themselves are not. We're crowd-sourced, you might say. Priests and parents try to program us to be ideal adults. It starts with our names. What's in a name? Well, I'm Jesse Teshara, and there's a lot of possibility in that. Jesse is Jesus or Isai or Chuy, in spanish. Hey Zeus, Artificial Intelligence, Chewbacca...you see where I'm going with this? See SJ is Jesse, rearranged. Teshara anagrams to 'as earth.' I've got the whole world in my hands! 'Ace wrathless sane jeer' for example, is an anagram of my full name. I lived for a spell, you might say. But I don't do it merely for myself. I'm 44 years old, and I've done a fair amount of thinking, and I hope you'll enjoy the fruits of my cogitation, the truth of my philosophy, and gain, in addition to some wisdom, a portion of the happiness I feel when I write. I'm communicating with strangers from the future. That's you, my friend! I know, I know, there's nothing but an eternal present. My writing is a rite, and hopefully it's all right! It takes longer to write than to read, so you're being me, efficiently!

I set aside time every day to tap my soul through the keyboard onto computer, then paper, until eventually it reaches you, my anonymous destination. The Wright brothers took flight, and these words are my flight of fancy, landing on eyes, ears, and brain-cells. For a moment, your mind is mine! (I suspect the mind is mined at night by Morpheus). If I am dead when you read this, then my slowly disintegrating bones will feel happier with your attention and approval. But if I'm alive, I'm grateful for your time, and your time-travel into my past! Or is it my time-travel into your future? Certainly both, I would say. Ah, writing and reading, what a wonderful, magical, world. A far better pursuit than thievery, soldiering, boxing, hitman, assassin... Maybe even better than being president! Intellectual lectors and elections, and you, the select few. Really, a street sweeper could be a master of the universe, and a president a mere pawn. Such is life. And you may not even be born yet! (Today, the time of writing, is Wednesday, 1-27-2016 c.e., 9:10pm). Drop me a line if you wish to meet the author!

MY ideal job is author. Hopefully, yours is being a reader! We make quite a pair. Me, solitary, in my room, tap-tap-tap, pecking away, and you, eyes and mind flowing over the surface of the page, gleaning images, and concepts, and well-put turns of phrase, to put in that magical file of yours, your brain, capable of anything, with the potential to live a glorious life of excitement and joy and bliss. The bliss of roller coasters and sex and music, as well as the bliss of tranquility, peace, and calm. Entire libraries scream for your attention. Gyms demand daily maintenance and improvement. Kitchens and grocery stores and cookbooks implore your creativity. Products and people in various places, requiring logistics, getting from supply to demand. Games, movies, restaurants, entertainment give. Sleep, making crafts, chores take. Experiences lurk everywhere. 
 
Bike, bart, bus about. Take a train to Thailand. Hitchhike to Hell (it's a town in Norway, too). Take a life, make a baby. Sex and violence, sax and violins, make music, live your life, feel alive, all things in moderation, including moderation. Go to prison, witness a miracle, go to heaven. Heaven is in a book. Heavenly is a ski-resort. Paradise is near Chico. Make money, be homeless, take a risk, make friends, hate some shit. Love life. Live until you die. Does that help? Kaiser says to thrive. Throw that knife into the river. Fuck some shit up. Go crazy. Take meds. Remember to brush, floss, rinse. Early to bed, early to rise, supposedly made Benjamin Franklin healthy, wealthy, and wise. Good morning, Vietnam! Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain committed suicide. Maybe you can learn from them. Authenticity is sacred, but identity is fluid. Love all, serve all, be all. Be all you can be. Aim High. Be an army of one. Welcome to Mordor, Sauron. Welcome to hell, Satan. Welcome to heaven, God.

BEING GOD
Only God is good. To be good, all you have to do is not be bad. Being God is easy! You can be better than God!! You can be yourself, which is above Godhood, which is above Jesus, which is above the pope, which is above the minions and sheeple of the catholic church, which is above -i dunno- (are some religions better than others?). Personally, I think Buddhism is better than Catholicism is better than Islam. But being an atheistic God outranks them all. You rule your own world, your own mind, your own happiness, your own life. And being God, you can define your own morality for yourself, and outrank all those puny moralists in the courts and churches and synagogues and mosques and legislatures. You are in charge! Being in control is the ultimate in empowerment. The only power others have over you is that which you give to them. Ceding power is your choice, you always have that option, but I prefer supremacy, in my own realm. And I advise being open to taking advice! We're all pretty much in the same boat, anyway. But what works for me may not work for you. Human nature can be pretty diverse. I like promoting myself to priest, being self-ordained, after of course writing my blog, which was my process of self-apotheosis. Being God is fun. I recommend it. But if you find yourself drawn to criminality, all I can say is don't get caught. The freedom to swing your fist ends at the tip of my nose, in my view. If we're all the same, then everyone else is God, too (even if they don't know it, or submit to someone else). God is usually defined as love, and as merciful, but there is a time to kill, and vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord. Of course, you don't need to draw on the bible or established religion for your ideology and precepts. The dalai lama said kindness is my religion. Adi Da said Reality is all the god there ever is. Fear of God, then, would be pantophobia! What did Yoda say about fear? “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Nobody wants suffering. Well, their own, anyway. Except the masochists. They can go to hell. I don't believe in an afterlife, good or bad, so I can say that. I'd still like to live for a few thousand years, though, if not be surprised by waking up after death somewhere pleasant and idyllic. The word heaven reminds me of heaving, which reminds me of the myth of Sisyphus, which isn't heavenly at all. Utopia might be a better word. Plus, it's achievable for society, for earth, for humanity, and -in my view- should therefore be the “heaven” we all strive and hope for.  But why stop there? We can make the heavens heavenly too! No limits. Love is part of evol-ution. 

BEING DEVIL

Devil is the opposite of lived, just evil isn't live, just as dog isn't God, and 'essej' isn't me, Jesse. That's my message, a mess of sage. Deep, ain't it? Whoa, nellie! LN says what? Anyway, mm, essej. Delicious! Jesse means God's gift, or God makes forget, or “the whole office of the eucharist.” It's a biblical name, as King David was the son of Jesse, and the genealogy of Jesus is called the Jesse tree. JT, like me (and also like the sign for pi). To share Ra, the ancient egyptian sun god. My mom is Peggy T, which is pretty close to the word Egypt. My dad drives a PT cruiser. My brother's initials are GLT (like the volvo). Larry Teshara can be shortened to Tes-la. My birthday is 9-3, like the Saab, in the year '71, like the Z71 truck. No car, like North Carolina, sob. Scar, like South Carolina (said my voice). The Scientologist said I had low accord. Jesse Teshara Christ =DIE. If you want to crucify me, that's certainly my response. What is the basis of this silly equation? Besides Jesus=Death (=2)
Jesse=15115=4=D. Teshara=2518191=9=I. Christ=389912=5=E. Well, that was fun.
Let's try an easier tack, as mathematical meaning can be a bit mean (Lawrence=31595535=9, btw).

Devil is 4-evil (for evil, uc?). Satan is say, ten (and it is, too...11215). Lucifer is 3339659=2. Mephistopheles is 45789126785351 (14 digits, phew!) =8. So, Lucifer Mephistopheles is Jesus, God!! Go figure. Antichrist =4.

David, Al, Jesse, Four
and Four (I've met someone with the name 'Four'); also, I know an April (the 4th month)
so many candidates for Antichrist!

I'm against untruth, and I don't believe Jesus (really) walked on water, or changed water to wine.
Just because he did some magic tricks, I'm not going to be his follower.
I think he commanded (or deserved) a dream-world, if in fact those “miracles” even happened.
He said he was the way, the truth, the light. There's a cathedral of light, nearby.
Light is a weird thing, always traveling the same speed, photons being waves and particles, etc.
I don't understand Jesus. Honestly, I don't think Jesus understood Jesus (or light, anyway).

Did he say if I'm not with him, I'm against him?
I don't consider myself an Antichrist, but maybe I am (on his terms).
Christ just means anointed with oil (chrism), so i could make myself christ with some olive oil.
I have no desire to follow in Jesus' footsteps, as I imagine any sane person would as well.
Also, Jesus may have survived his crucifixion, coming back to life later, but he's surely dead now (unless you consider the “body of christ” to be his church-membership)
I kind of identify, actually, with As Earth (my last name), which would be non-exclusionary to non-christians. T' share uh, to share 2, to share Jesus/beast/lucifer/it... Beast is of course “the beast with two backs”, or sex. Lucifer is light, which is like being born (into the light). IT (besides information technology), could therefore stand for being born again. Being “born again” is being a creature of light, being possessed by Jesus, you might believe. If you believe you're Jesus, that seems kinda scary to me, 'cause you would want revenge on your crucifiers (the “anti-christs”), and you could get violent, because you're not yourself anymore.

That's what being the devil is.

Thou shalt not kill (though you shalt not kill, maybe I will!.. vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord)
lord= l or d (life or death) (love or despair) (light or darkness) (Ln or david?) 3 or 4! like or dislike?1or 6

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Yay! I Got a New Phone!

my new toy, a "smartphone"

my iphone 5c was a xmas gift from my bro I just got today, that I'm playing with.

-FaceTime is cool (it only works between 2 apple devices).  
-It has maps, a compass, and gives directions, which can be really useful.
-voice recognition, you can dictate texts and emails.
-you can listen to radio, from online (most radio stations stream over the internet).  
i like whrb, especially.
-i can check out websites (like google, or my blog, or the jeopardy archive, or wikipedia, or ted, or youtube)
(or news like csmonitor or cnn)
-local weather (you can permit it to know where you are), camera/pictures, calculator.
-there's WAG, an app (short for application) that will hook me up with people who want a dogwalker.
-i might get a botany app: take a picture of a plant, it'll tell you what it is.
-comedy central has a joke archive..
etc.

so that's why it's "smart".  
i can listen to harvard radio while I read the news or learn trivia, for example.

it doesn't have Siri, like my ipad,
or translation, like the apple watch (but it could, and should!)

don't get smart with me, boy! sorry, too late.