Unique Visitors


I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess
Ladies- I'm a single, straight, virgo/boar INTJ (age 45) who enjoys books, getting out into nature, music, and daily exercise.

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 1000 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Devil's Dungeon/God's Glory


You find yourself in a dungeon, not knowing how you got there. You feel drowsy, drugged. The last thing you remember was being at home, in bed, comfortable and relaxed. But now, you've woken up to a nightmare. Where the fuck is this? How did I get here? Who did this to me? Why?? You don't have the slightest clue, you are friendly, have no enemies, are loved, have loved-ones, and certainly don't deserve this. Nobody you know would do this. This doesn't make sense. It's irrational, absurd, insane. Will you see your wife again, your family, your friends, your captor, anyone? WTF. What is this? You've lost your freedom, and you're in the process of losing your damn mind. You are at the mercy of your captor, or captors. It is hot, too hot, and you are thirsty. But there is no one there but you, alone, manacled and chained to the wall, in this room, the irons biting into your leg, your arms in a Y over your head, muscles aching, with burning sweat dripping into your eyes, without being able to wipe it away. The only light is a single flickering bulb. You scream. The sound reverberates. Nothing. You tug and twist and writhe. Solid, nothing gives. There are no other noises. You may not get out of this alive. Maybe you have been abandoned, left here to die, atrophying slowly, pissing and shitting yourself, getting skeletal, losing consciousness, immobilized and forgotten. Or maybe you will be kept alive, for some reason, like being toyed with, brutalized, experimented on, tortured, at the whim of some sick and depraved bastard. This shithead could keep and torment you for decades. You could be punched, kicked, stabbed, shot, choked, crucified, crushed, poisoned, electrocuted, dismembered, water-boarded, whipped, raped, starved, sickened, bound, bled, blinded, beaten, battered, burned, bruised, broken. Your fingernails, your balls, your tongue...There is no discernible reason to hope. You will die here, under the twisted watch of your own personal sadistic demon -who delights in your pain, your suffering, and torment. Death might actually come as a relief. Annihilation and oblivion, everyone's fate, in any case, will be welcomed. The final darkness. Or maybe your own body will revolt cruelly and you will have a heart attack, without any help or encouragement. Who is your enemy, here? Jesus Christ. Can I please wake up? Can I have my life back? Can I be released, unchained, allowed in the sun, allowed to return home, left alone? There must be some kind of mistake, some misunderstanding. Jesus. Jesus God. Please help me, someone, anyone. Fuck. Ow.

on the other hand,
God is good, great, generous, glorified:

Prisoners should enjoy life.  Jails and prisons should be fun, not hell, in my opinion.  Safety.  Busy, not boredom.  Meditation.  Yoga.  Writing.  Self-defense instruction.  Comfort.  Comedy.  So, full libraries, healthy food, good exercise, music (but not sex and drugs), and humor, friendship.  Not gangs.  Brotherhood, family, beyond racism.   Health, sanity, therapy, medications, happiness.  Why not?  Vengeance and malice and spite and ire and hatred shouldn't be welcome, anywhere.  Kindness is a good religion.  Suffering is everywhere, so why not start with the neediest, right? 

Monday, January 1, 2018

Friday, December 8, 2017


My 5 day trip abroad
with Sara, Pierre, and Augustus (Augie)

I'm just back (returned last night) from a trip to southern Mexico, 2 flights each way (SFO to Mexico City, then Mexico City to Oaxaca), where the 4 of us stayed at a lovely  BNB house (with pool) in San Pablo Etla, overlooking a valley, 25 minutes from Central Oaxaca.  We rented a car (white jetta), and went on excursions to Monte Alban (pyramid), Mitla (petrified waterfall and pools of Hierve (bubbling) de Agua, with pre-columbian channels carved into the rock), and of course the Zocalo, with two impressive churches (St. Dominic of Guzman, especially) DoG!.  I bought a figurine of a high priest/scribe, at Alban.  And I bought a keychain of a painted jaguar head, from the museum shop.  I could have done more X-mas shopping, but I'm mostly through with that, already.  The second leg of our flight in was rushed, and we dashed through the airport, but made the flight in good time.

The meals were fantastic, and I had a Tlayuda (a traditional Oaxacan dish, recommended by a roommate); a yellow mole (Oaxaca (pronounced wuh-hawk-uh) is called the "land of 9 moles", I think); chocolate beverage, lots of tacos, and three beers (victoria and corona).  Sara made egg sandwiches a few times.  I did lots of translating, and had a few satisfying experiences of almost total comprehension.  I brought 2 spanish-english dictionaries (easy/with sample sentences, and comprehensive), as well as "2001 modismos/idioms", an Economist, and a book of "best buddhist writing" (which was nice, on the plane).  I have a long way to go before fluency, but knowing the numbers helped with paying meal and parking bills.  We also stopped at an ATM (agave tequila mezcal) fabrica, and sampled Espadin, the recommended variety. 

We saw a large spider (the largest I've ever seen, excluding zoo tarantulas) that the gardeners eventually killed, 2 scorpions (one in the bathroom, and another in the city, on the sidewalk), an amazing caterpillar, lots of street dogs, chickens, burros, goats, cattle, and birds (a flock of black birds, a yellow bird with a black and white head, a hummingbird that bounced off a screen door), different bugs like bumblebees, honey bees (on a tree, eating sap, I think), butterflies, a strider (on the pool), a bug IN the pool, and other assorted foreign (to me, anyway) ants and beetle things.  I squished a rather large spider that was inside a house.  I expected more birds.  The state of Oaxaca has more kinds of birds than the entire US, I learned from wikipedia, beforehand.  The valley had lots of barking dogs, intermittent booming fireworks, and distant announcements on loudspeakers (political?).  Also, turkeys cats and lizards.

The city was bustling, and Pierre did an excellent job of being a well-oriented navigator.  The drive in, at night, was memorable.  There was a blackout in our neighborhood.  I was anxious about getting split up, and we had an adventure picking up items from a pharmacy, that luckily worked out perfectly fine.  Monte Alban is a unesco site, and we climbed up (and down) the pyramid.  There was a field trip of school children there, with us.  On the way to Hierve, the trip up and down the mountain, in the cab, and on the bench in back, was interesting, and memorably scenic.  Hector the Protector drove us there, and I sat in the back on the way back, which was also an experience.  I believe there were 13 of us on the way back (including the driver).  We ate at El Asador Vasco, La Olla, los Danzantes, and la Cuchilla.  I sat for Augie while S+P went to El Criollo (restaurant).  Augie fell asleep in his chair while his tablet played cartoons.  Another restaurant had a tv with Disney in Spanish, where we stopped before going to the airport.  I had a waffle, OJ, and fruit yogurt.  Honking your horn is called a 'bocinazo'.  Parking is 'estacionamiento' (e.g. No E)  Bumpiness is 'terrazeria.' We used our phones to help navigate.

I listened to a bit of radio (UU "ooh ooh"), which played American music (!), and I used my tablet and phone (the house has wifi).  Pierre and Sara both did work on their computers, while in Mexico.  I read my Economist, and surveyed the home's extensive library.  The weather was lovely.  Hector told me the rainfall was good this year.  I asked about the earthquake.  I saw lots of agave, many varieties of cactus, and some corn.  I brought two long-sleeve shirts, but ended up wearing one of Pierre's t-shirts. 

When asked, I translated bitcoin as 'moneda-mordida'.   But on second thought, it could be several things: 'moneda-bitio/moneda-bit (digital bite)', or perhaps 'moneda-mordisco' (mouth or meal bite), or as 'moneda-moneda' (bit and coin are synonyms).  I'm not sure it needs translating: the whole world can just call it 'bitcoin,' as far as I'm concerned.  It's value was of ongoing interest throughout the trip.

I brought my backpack and carry-on luggage with me, both ways.  We had to throw out my sunscreen coming in, and I was selected -on the way back- for a second baggage-screening.  We saw police and ambulance.  Policia, Ambulancia, farmacia (lots of cia!).  At the house (an idyllic xanadu!), I accidentally pulled down the mosquito net that was over my bed.  I had 4 beds to choose from.  I had enjoyably vivid dreams.  There were gardeners and housekeepers.  Sara and Pierre bought (sun) hats for the 3 of them.  I didn't see a toad river or seminary (street name translations).   I lost 9 pounds.

Augie was both fun and difficult, which is to be expected of a 3 y.o., I imagine.  Sara and Pierre got sick, toward the end.  I got overly anxious and stressed, I think.  We were tired.  I took Bart home from the airport, to Berkeley; they took a Lyft back to Oakland.  Augustus played with dinosaurs and trains.  There was ice cream/cake, suckers, and gummy candies, that he got wired on, plus yogurt and fruit.  He was excited about monsters, skeletons, zombies, and giants, and "castles" (churches).   He looked at youtube videos, and google pics of trains, dinosaurs, and peacocks.  He called the internet the "inner-not" :-).

We had a brief conversation about Mexico being "dark."   They celebrate death:  Dia de los muertos, skulls and skeletons, posada-imagery.  Santa Muerte, and (pre-columbian) Aztec sacrifice.  Anyway, the people were amable and bondadoso, and we (phew!) had no problems.  The church was singing about Dios de Piedad (piety/compassion), when I entered.   I didn't have to use my medication for "severe and sudden" diarrhea (moctezuma's revenge).  Still, I was happy to get back home.  I didn't lose track of my passport, pen, keys, wallet, watch, tablet, phone, glasses, or belt (the screening process can be rushed and a bit stressful, too).  I took notes, and a few photos, and learned about the flashlight and compass features on my phone.  We made it.  What an adventure.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Thankyou Very Much


Turkey day. Thank you, turkey!
Gratitude. Gr attitude. Angry. Mad. Crazy. Grateful!
Grateful dead. We give you “thanks and praise”
G-D. Greg, Declan. Good, GED, Gadzooks!
Tap your fingers, tap your toes, tap your teeth
reality bites. Bitcoin.

dia de dar gracias.
You can't spell gracias w/o CIA
thanks, CIA!

Thank God, the source of all goodness
the central intelligent agent
Thank Godiva, a source of good chocolate
Thank Godzilla, a monster that makes great movies
Thank Gadolinium, an element used for shielding
Thank Tom Hanks, aka T. Hanks :-)
Thank S, whoever that might be, thanks!
Thank you, for reading this!

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Hi Mom!

Relating to Others

Buddhism says to love every individual as if they were your own mother
A bumper sticker says Co-exist

Somewhere between those, is where I relate to people, writ large

co-exist seems to me to be setting the bar a little low
whereas everybody being one's mom is...
impossible and ridiculous (!)

I like some people (much) more than others
sometimes I don't like anyone (including mom)
and I have a birthmother as well as my (adoptive) mother, so
I can relate, perhaps, a little more easily...

I could be crazy and
recognize all sentient beings as my mother

step one:
hostility to equanimity and respect
H tear!

Just like i'd be crazy to think I'm Jesus,
I'd have to be crazy to think I'm Buddha, too.

But I am crazy. Or schizophrenic, at least.
And I've gotten this far with my blog,
so the next step...well, why not!

Because I don't want to be crazy, is why.
My voice said I have no mind, today.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone :-)
Thanks for being my mom!!

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Great Onion Divinity

fake news about a real god

The Onion's Definition of God:

All-knowing, all-seeing, all powerful Deity, Almighty, Creator and Eternal Master of Existence,
Omniscient Supreme Being, God the Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Creator of All Things,
Lord Our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, Divine Lord and Heavenly Father,
The Lord Incarnate, God our Lord and Father, Holy Father, Maker of Heaven and Earth

(the indescribable universal energy that connects all living things)
(Jesus Christ, Light of the World and Lamb of God)
(the unveiled Epiphany of God)
(Moloch, a false god)


a little fun of my own:
osb, che cat, log low, dc, dl car, golf (!!)

esme (eternal and supreme master of existence!)
me, moe: master of existence, maker of earth.
blog: being lord our god, blessed lamb of god
boss: being omniscient, supreme, seeing

(it's a word game, after all)

Saturday, November 18, 2017

You're Set!

Today's bit

Up early (5 a.m.), 42 degrees (fahrenheit), Berkeley (South, near Oakland), on this November Saturday, officially a month away from Winter's start (December 21st, the solstice) still, but arrived nonetheless, according to the oracle of my bones. The gym is open, but I won't take the 20 minute bicycle ride to the YMCA downtown 'til it warms up a bit. I can exercise in my room, anyway. I have dumb bells and space for push-ups, planks, bicycle crunches, and yoga stretches. I have a book of 2100 yoga positions (“asanas”). I use the dumb bells for arnold presses, tricep extensions, and bent rows. I also do the isometric “shake-weight” thing, but without the weight, plus dancing (with myself). My room is like a gym, in that respect, and also due to the fact that one entire wall is covered in mirror-tiles. So it's a good thing I'm not a vampire, or there would be a lot of shattered glass! (metaphor for hating your body, your image, yourself, or 1/2/all of the above) And having the mirror is a good thing as well, presuming I make steady and noticeable progress in my efforts to lose my gut, gain muscle, and look like the true Olympian deity that I truly am, inside. My name (Jesse) in spanish is Jesus (which is pronounced hey Zeus :-) I want my appearance to make me happy. The endorphins of a good workout are a natural high, too. Schwarzenegger said that pumping iron is “better than sex.” So exercise is a good place to start, in addressing my mental illness. My meds are a mixed blessing, however: The antipsychotic I'm on, olanzapine (also called zyprexa) is notorious for it's weight-gain side effect. My gut is distended and gross, and I don't even drink beer (much). But zyprexa does succeed in alleviating the mental noise and aggravation of pain, voices, head-shocks (aka “brain zaps”), teeth-tapping, and other symptoms of my particular strain of what they're calling schizophrenia. Sometimes I wonder if I have a freakish infliction that isn't part of any medical books, or if I even have schizophrenia at all. Maybe everyone hears voices. My birth mom (Annette Riddle) has schizophrenia, which maybe I shouldn't have told the clinician. Then again, maybe everybody is insane. I think I read somewhere that anyone COULD be schizophrenic. I must have pissed off a telepath. I also wonder if it's possible to self-medicate, using meds/drugs other than the risperdal and olanzapine I've been prescribed. Or even if I can or should ever stop taking meds, and emerge sane on the other side of the med-less trip through the hell that is having a direct telepathic link with David (Andrew Eldridge). He's a mutant that can talk into anyone's head, possibly. A 'global telepath' to use his own words. He and I make our own collective unconscious, to reference Jung. Either that, or I'm a serious piece of work, lol.  We can set each other free, from the inane chatter that irritates us both, if not the entire goddamn planet. I mean, what's the difference between a voice sent to a schizophrenic and a prayer sent to “God”? The solution is to exercise and fuck and eat so that I make my body as happy as it would be if I had a lifetime supply of heroin! My body is a chemical factory, and I can synthesize my own bliss, without the expense, criminality, and harrowing consequences of being a druggie. Music and books and movies are stimulus enough. Throw in good conversation and laughter with friends, and you're set; one happy camper. You have to make your own heaven. And if you're going through hell, keep going. There's a lot of goodwill in the world -those who want to help- and there will always be someone to listen, give advice, and provide for basic need. 'God' is just the simplification for this collective reservoir of good will (in all of humanity), that can help and hear your prayers, even if “He” doesn't strictly exist, at least not in the form thought of by most (right? lol). I suspect the peak of human potential is pretty amazingly Godly, especially now, enhanced by technology.  Community and a sense of belonging is helpful, and can make all the difference. Your creator was your parents (and evolution). God is like a Santa for adults. There are real results for believing, even if it's only virtual. It's a mad world. Reasons people believe include a deference to authority, people want to live forever, there is a need in all of us to make peace with the 'other' in their minds and bodies, believe in cosmic justice, as well as have recourse to an all-powerful friend, on their side, who can make the uncertain less terrifying. So let's all be Gods to one another; that is to say, sources of goodness, creators of a better world, incarnations of Love, and victors over the temptation to commit evil, vice, crime, and sin. That is what I believe. Let's all be sane and healthy.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Un Poco Crazy

A little loco

I thought I was civilized, but really I'm just an animal. Humans are beasts. Nobody has a soul, and no one ever did! Am I a lion? A chimp? A dolphin? A dog? A shark? A fish? A sole! A star: A sol. Asshole.

I'm not an asshole. I'm not a brain, either. I'm an entire body. Not a dick, not left behind, I won't be right back; I'm not armed and dangerous; I'm not footing the bill, fingering a suspect, elbowing anyone aside, thumbing my nose at anyone; I have the balls to tell you this. No one knows what it's like to be the sad man, behind blue eyes (middle finger). We are the knights who say “knee”! The soles of my feet will not be defeated! I have a Theory Of Everything. I speak in tongue. Maybe you hate my guts. I will end up in a coughin'. I'm telling the tooth. The bare-neck'd tooth. I've got thick skin, and a warm heart, and I nose whatst I gotsta do. Don't get cheeky with me, I can't stomach it, I said with a little aqueous humor, in my funny bone. You down, blood? Gimme some skin. You've got a lot of nerve. All right, let's show some spine! A little fire in the belly. Don't go belly-up. Cock your pisstols! Up an at 'em, bright and ear-ly. Hi-ho, it's off to work eye go. Aye, eye captain! Heel! Said the chris-chin :-)

I've got language (word!), and culture (yogurt in my fridge!), and a cum-pewter (what?!?), so I'm not your run of the mill insect, doing buggery and creeping around, bugging people. Christianity may be insects (in sects), but I'm not. I'm not in sex, either. I'm not in or out, with my penetrating intellect. I'm a human being, a homo sapiens, not a home-owner, or buy- bye- by bible-salesman. Anyway, I weigh 224 lbs (today). All we are is dust in the wind. And we're mostly empty space, practically ghosts, in the flesh. Well, I hope that's not too deep. Live in the moment. Mm, mints, mom!

Are we all just bugs? Tormented by each other or the devil, rolling around in our polluting/dangerous cars, spending money on ourselves at the expense of the basic need of fellow humanity, stockpiling guns and ammunition in preparation for doom, while wasting our lives in front of television sets and commercials for things we don't want, buying meat that hurts, hurts, hurts... Are we a divided society that calls itself United, that allows mothers to kill their own babies, permits our governments to keep peace by aiming nuclear weapons at each other, keeps piling billions upon billions of dollars of profit to such as the Waltons -while basic rights to healthcare and education are out of reach to many, in a world that still erects borders for obsolete distinctions such as nation, religion, and language, and which medicates the insanely sane? We're in an extinction event, and we still think we're the stewards of nature, it's highest expression, as we pave over paradise? Can we be the Gods that we think we are? Can we be good to each other, ourselves, our planet, our fellow animals?

Sure we can. Of course. Why not! Well, I feel good about walking dogs, and writing my blog. I've got friends, and love is not an impossibility. May the forest be with you!

Thursday, November 9, 2017

God Psychology

Genius or Dumb?
Glee or Depression?
God or Devil?

My current perspective on theology is that it's a subset of psychology.
God is the devil, too.
Because God is rewards, and Devil is punishments -
and anybody can deal out both!
(and maybe the same psychic person controls society)

Heaven and Hell are metaphors for happiness and misery, in this life.
Religion is a form of social control.

God, Devil (plus, minus, positive, negative)
God is good, happiness, love, heaven
(and persuasion/hypnosis that it will last forever)
   (i.e. reward, carrot, incentive, pleasure and comfort)


Devil is evil, misery, hate, hell
(and a scare tactic, eternal hellfire)
(i.e. punishment, stick, disincentive, pain and suffering)

The Santa/Satan thing:
(he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake!)

God or Demon
Good or Diabolical/devilish/demonic
Gratitude or Death

the same behavior can be rewarded or punished.
carrots aren't as tasty as steaks.

Generosity or Depravity

Monday, November 6, 2017



I just read the chapter on The Ethics of Eating Animals, pp. 304-333, in Michael Pollan's 'The Omnivore's Dilemma.' I have read flyers from Mercy for Animals, and have been persuaded to try and be vegetarian/ LESS carnivorous, without much success.

I love pastor tacos, medium rare steaks, lamb, and chicken salads, for example. I have been treating myself to 2 pastor tacos every Tuesday for quite a while, from Los Pericos mexican restaurant in San Leandro, and always look forward to it. My favorite meal as a kid was skirt steak, coated in flour, and wonderfully greasy. Nuggets and quarter pounders from McDonald's have always been satisfying.

But I'm trying to be good, God! in fact, and therefore want to set an example, and live morally. This makes life interesting, for me. First of all, I don't believe in souls or heaven or human supremacy, made in the image of God. Everyone is destined to die, and we'll probably all be extinct in the (long-long) long-term. Behavioral standards are basically rendered moot, from this perspective, in my opinion. Nothing matters. Everybody is God, and anybody is allowed to do anything. It's all good. There is no sin. That's why anything can be forgiven. A centipede is also made in the image of God.

(some) Animals are delicious. Most of them wouldn't be alive in the first place, if we didn't breed them for consumption. Humans are just another type of animal. We're basically no different than flies, krill, cockroaches, you name it. I kill pests in my room all the time, and there is a spiritual dimension to it. I kill ants, spiders, beetles, flies. I killed snails, bees, and a butterfly when I was a kid. I accidentally killed a pet cockatiel bird. I know that I am a killer. I've loved meat all my life, and am aware of all the murderous implications. I love violence in movies, find it cathartic. I have accepted my identity, as a murderer, a sinner, evil, even -at times- a demon. I am intimately familiar with the banality and ubiquity of evil. My name has satan in it. A (former) friend of mine called me a vampire. I have struggled with insanity, and wondered if I have ever, in fact, NOT been possessed. I take medications for schizophrenia. I hear voices. I also experience reality as a construct, my thoughts and behavior seemingly always being monitored, by God-only-knows who or what. Maybe David. I do not want to be a hypocrite, or try to be morally holier-than-thou. But I do still think my philosophical aptitude and critical-thinking ability exceeds the ability/value of most, and in any case I like to write, so I will share my thoughts. At least I think they're my thoughts. I am a vessel, like everyone else, and experience consciousness as my own, despite the interpenetration of mind I have become familiar with and inured to. Everybody is schizo, because prayer is telepathy is a voice, and dreams and thoughts are shared in our hive/corporate minds, no?

Here is a law I think holds for all:
If it is okay for me to kill others, then it is okay for others to kill me. That is the karma and reality of such an attitude, perspective, stance. And because I want to live, I must forego any superiority or right or desire to be Death, and -I have just concluded- must also Cease and Desist from Eating Meat. Hitler was a vegetarian. So is Charles Manson. So there is no great moral status that comes from this, necessarily. The Jains are said to sweep the ground, so as not to kill insects. People bug me at times just as much as cockroaches, if not more. But the imperative still stands. I don't want to be eaten. I have always been pro-life (I was adopted), and I am now of the persuasion that this must extend to animals, because that is all we humans are, and I do not think we should eat each other, eat our children, kill each other, fight each other, fight wars, or abort, or allow the state to kill criminals, or euthanize disabled, or kill our children if they are homosexual, or marry outside their caste, or any other reason. I am a pacifist. War should not be possible. Nor nuclear detonations, or thermobaric bombs, or even homicides, by fist or gun or bomb or bat or blade. Dogs and cats deserve no more or less status than people, or pigeons. People should not starve while dogs eat, just as whales should not starve to save the krill. Nature is a bloody mess, and humans are just tubes, like worms, from mouth to anus, that happen to be bipedal apes with big brains, voiceboxes, opposable thumbs, and a culture that is truly magical. We must tolerate and try to celebrate one another. We must forgive with the same ardor that we seek for being forgiven. We must take the long, hard road out of hell. Paradise is a bit further. Let's help each other get there. The worms will eventually eat us all, of course. So let's make earth a better place while we're alive, and not defer heaven to some hoped-for but entirely ridiculous “afterlife.” That is my philosophy.

Everyone has killed bugs, so no one is any better than me. I may be God, but nobody is any worse than me, either. I am not a cannibal, but I do occasionally eat Jesus, if not drink his blood. Oblivion is the universal justice. Virtue is virtual (like immortality).   I was a killer.  But I don't want to say I am, any longer.  Animal-cruelty is a sin, and I want to put it behind me, and be Good.   I think you should, too. 

God is a killer.  I AM.  We all are.  Meat is delicious.  I said there is no sin...  Well, whatever. 
Still, we should do the right thing, even if karma isn't real.

Good Morning, America!

this morning's thought

Good morning. Buenos dias. Up at 4:30a. My cell phone has an alarm of jungle birds. I also sometimes set my kitchen timer and my digital alarm clock (1,2,3!). I slept to past 11a yesterday. Well I'm up today. We “fell back” yesterday. It's Monday, November 6, 2017. I'm listening to wprb on my headphones, from the computer. Don't know what I'd do without this thing. I don't get tv. Actually, I'd probably just read. I've been hit with what “I am Ninja” on youtube calls a “curiosity-spell.” I really do have curiosity about everything. So I'll never be bored. I even like sitting, breathing, doing nothing, unless you want to call it meditation. So it's all good.

Except dying. That's gonna suck. I want to live. I want to read the entire internet, the entire library: listen to all the music, watch all the tv/movies/youtube videos... you get the picture. That's why curiosity-spells are devastating. Who invented cheese? How do you say 'pink' in Nahuatl? Does time exist? And so on. As The Cowboy Junkies sang, “will you ever finally reach a point of knowing?” No. I'll never be omniscient. Even if I read all of Britannica, I still won't even be close. To know, biblically, is to have sex with. So to know everything would put the bi in bible. And I don't even have sex with myself. I don't know myself. Maybe I do already know everything! (in some sense).

I have google, and wikipedia, and they know (almost) everything! So I have a kind of access to omniscience, which is probably better than the real thing, I imagine. But I could be wrong. Being God might be awesome. Only God is good, the bible says. So not being God is bad. I better build a way to live forever, so I can keep reading! I've got a ways to go, you could say. My imagination and perception aren't very high-powered... Life is but a dream. Row, roe, rho your boat.

Can a supercomputer model my thought and behavior? if it has my gene sequence/dna? Could I survive as a ghost in the machine? Is the world a giant computer? The universe? Did Jesus know everything? I don't think so!! Am I already in the matrix? Is immortality possible? Desirable? Is existence always better than non-existence? Can suffering be eliminated? What is love. Does anybody know anybody, anyway? Why did the chicken cross the road?

CIPA is no pain. But it would only be desirable if you were indestructible. Maybe God is a diamond. Or lonsdaleite... Ha! I am a rock. I am an island. But I wouldn't know it, because brains are mushy! Blockhead! CIPA or H? (congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis, or heroin)? 3rd rock from the sun, aka earth. Teshara= as earth :-). Bones! (Leonard McCoy). Teshara= A Star eh?, too. Brains are the instrument with which we feel pain, but -strangely enough- doesn't feel pain, itself.

Suffering is different from pain. Suff plus T. The cross was painful. STUFF. Stuff e ring? Would that be a diamond? Lord of the rings. King of pain. KOP was written by Sting post-separation from his wife. Diamond Life, Sade. Suffer I Ng makes me think of serial-kiler Charles Ng, actually (currently on death row at San Quentin). Pa In= pain. God= get out, dad. Did the LOTR use lotrimin? Amen to that. Keepin it real. Stuff, putting the tear in material. Something to chew on. Putting the chew in spiritual! Spear it with your fork. Fork you! Good mourning.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

flight of fancy

Well, well, well said the doctor to the three little pigs. What have we here? Pork, ham, and bacon!
They felt a little sick.

Sick Sick Sick! Cried the mother of the pigs. Her address was 666 Beasty Boulevard. You shall not have my children for lunch! How 'bout breakfast and dinner, the doc retorted, that would be B.A.D.!!

You are what you eat! you know. You are a Pig, and a Beast, and a Meathead! You are as vacuous as a cow! As dirty and gluttonous as swine! You're dead meat!
-Piss off! You ain't shit!

I'll see you in Hell.  When pigs fly! A cold day in hell. Pig-angels, maybe reincarnated as pigeons! Pig-gin is a spirit that'll take you up, and then drop you back down! Hard liquor for a hard landing.

Up, up, and away. Up, up, and quit your books (the reading list at Reed college). Music soothes the savage beast. This peace is a little number I wrote for my baby. Babies, actually. My number one son, and my better half. 3 of us, a trinity. 3 on the tree, like a monkey. Hey hey we're the monkees. We don't put anybody down. Like dogs, or those who are as dumb as bricks, or passengers on the airplane.

Actually, in that last case, I would like to be put down. It's hard to breathe in space. I don't mean to insult Space, but Spacey is a rapist, and it's boring out there, not a lot to do, which isn't a put-down, just a simple statement of fact. So set the old bird down gently, por favor.

And so on and so forth.
So, Four, Esme Tupelo Clegg, etc. etc.

Friday, November 3, 2017

A little fun

Hi. My name is Phuk Yuo. That is my real name. My parents didn't know better. I am Vietnamese. My parents don't speak English. It is pronounced fook yu, but everybody calls me Fuck, here in America. What's in a name? You! Your parents were creative, in two ways: physically, and linguistically. I have nothing more to say. May the force be with you, Phuk! Well, I guess I said something.

Hi. My name is Nat. As Nat, I am in fact Satan. Or Santa, if you want to be clever. We both bring gifts. Satan brings on the pain, and Santa brings toys. The devil knows his psychology, and employs both positive and negative reinforcement, carrots and sticks, incentives and disincentives, rewards and punishments, happiness and misery. Choose wisely, my friend. You can call me...

Hi. I'm Lucille. In Winter, I wear fur. So it's a Lucy fur. Ha! Did you know ermine farms execute their animals anally, with electric prods? That's some shit! You don't want Lucifer all up in your ass. You can rest well knowing that warm people with warm personalities might actually end up in the warmest place of all! Which makes me wonder: if Absolute Zero is the lowest temperature, is there a theoretical maximum temperature, as well? Because Hell, Norway, is actually a kind of nice place (If you don't want to burn in hell, bring sunscreen!). They say the center of the sun is a pretty hot place. But the universe is a large place, and extremes could be extremely extreme way out there, somewhere.

Hi. I'm Stan Cross. I'm a friend of Pat Devlin. I know Devan Cross, too. Cassidy Starfire and Kat Starr and Sonya Solinsky are the three women I want to set up on blind dates with the three of us. A kind of holy trinity, you might say, of couples with weird names. I'll let your imagination run wild with the symbolic possibility. Honestly, though, we might get along swimmingly.

Joy dish soap, harmony snacks, cheer laundry detergent: Do these things make you Happy, I asked one of Cinderella's dwarves, in storyland. Who is the heroine of that story? I hear she's blissful, on her horse. H is for hospital, and it's also the shape of the high school I went to, which isn't all that elevated from sea-level, to be honest. Father Horsefall used to teach there. Luvs diapers and Perfection spray starch complete the picture! Have a nice trip, see you next fall!

Window panes and propane in Hell, Norway? Why not. It's all good, they say. Maybe Josie Fries lives there.

All the names are real! (I may have miss-spelled Horsfall)

God's Prayer

God is happiness hypnosis

yoga and reading and writing and working and keeping a budget and lifting weights and swimming and being frugal and eating less meat/sugar/alcohol and 8 hours sleep and having a routine and being organized and getting your shit together and having friends and sex and exercise and stretching and dating and being curious and getting answers from the library and google and wikipedia and early to bed early to rise and being prepared such as self-defense videos on youtube or training at a dojo as well as stand-up comedy and being optimistic and cheerful and taking the occasional vacation and meditation and medication and being engaged with life and doing nothing, just breathing, make for a good, worthy, valuable, pleasant life of meaning and order and happiness. Live and love and laugh and be loved and make loving-kindness your religion and be good and don't be bad and be god and be part of something bigger than yourself and be healthy, well, sane, strong, fit and alive! Make a difference and make the world a better place and make your mind and body a fun place to be and be a man for others and serve and protect and be a hero and do a good turn daily and vanquish evil and fight the bad guys and never lose hope and love life and seize the day and always look on the bright side of life and be yourself and do daily maintenance, if not improvement, and seek progress, betterment, change, growth, development and be a force for good and aim high and be all you can be and an army of one and the change in the world that you seek and an example and friend and mentor and role model. Be motivated and dedicated and disciplined and humble and virtuous and righteous and moral and ethical and wise and understanding and sincere and honest and open and true and trustworthy and intelligent and helpful and courteous and kind and brave and clean and easy to be around and appreciated and appreciative and fun and funny and whatever you want to be, you only live once, and then you die and after that it's oblivion, kaput, no more so don't be deluded and the moment is now and it's always now and your body is your soul so don't defile your temple and you are what you eat (less what you excrete), plus what you read and do and believe and think and say so be good, better, your best and love all and serve all, and reality and life is just moving things and ideas around -logistics, basically- so get moving and get calm still quiet peaceful tranquil serene so you can get moving again to leave the world a better place than you found it and full of cheer and with all basic needs met and everyone healthy, in a world that is exciting, pleasurable, content, comfortable, safe, secure, with entertainments and leisure, and enlightened, with equanimity and discernment and mindfulness, and a utopian lack of threat with, in its place, a civilized harmonious integrated human society on a shared planet with respect and communication and peace and hope and charity and compassion and empathy and mutual support and loving-kindness and bliss. Amen.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

A Small Reverie

on words and writing and wreality

boo, kill.
Body odor, okay?
B “ook” (you have to have read Terry Pratchett to get this one)

were it
legal writ
president Dubya riting (performing a ritual): skull and bones?

ought whore
Au (gold), Thor (god)

What's in a name? My name is Jesse Lawrence Teshara.
-You can make x anagrams (internet's anagram generator)
-words in words/ deconstruction: Jesus, Law, Share (for example)
also, see (holy/sight), wren (bird), hara (japanese for belly, e.g. hara-kiri)
-initials: JLT (jail time, jolt, jilt)
J is the tenth letter, 10 makes me think of a. listen (list ten), b. satan (say ten)
also, wwjd (what would jesus do)
LT is a sticker on cars, referring to Lake Tahoe
ta, ho! (see you later, alligator) (in a while, crocodile) (dead prostitute)

satan lake cross, jail, audio, and sharing the law of jesus
rise from the depths of meaning and deconstruction:
Jess sums to 8, in the numerology that translates words into numbers
10, 5, 19, 19 = 1, 5, 1, 1 =8 (grok?)
see S.J. (pope, society of jesus)
So that's another proof of my being God!
This shit is real. My cross is my belly. (bellyfat gut, from meds/beer)
the Sara, and TE Sarah: jesus christ, sarah. And my ex, too (Sara).
Lore-ints (historical intelligence), I read history every morning.
Jolt cola is history (!); surname: as heart, hater, earth (sur =south)

Jesse Teshara, Al Gore
I met a Four (metaphor). No, really. Four Nguyen is his actual name.
Antichrist sums to 4. The book of numbers is the 4th book of the bible.
Go Niners. (I grew up in SF)
49er video, in Davis. Highway 49, in Auburn.
Lucky 13 (4+9)
for nein (german for 'no')
for tea? Nein!

God: love, good, reality, happiness psychology, a word, meme, role. The bible says only god is good (and I think I'm good), a man of war (the art of war is deception), omni (-potent, -scient, -present, -benevolent), the source of all goodness, “do you not know that you are not your own?” POSSESSED!!

Doing God's will, in the sense of ceding control (of your "inner throne"), can be scary, if you think of Abraham being willing to sacrifice his own son, and a Godly person being therefore even more willing to kill strangers, with what I call religion's "conscience-override" function.   Thou shalt not kill, but "there is a time to kill" for a man of war, who takes orders from Above.  Yikes!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Superiority and Egalitarianism

Better but Equal

When I say I'm God, i'm thinking I'm right, if not enlightened, and that I think of myself as both a religious and military "superior" (link), whose ideas should be either accepted or challenged, so that my blog becomes a source of Truth and Wisdom- and your enlightenment, too.  I admit I am attached to my ideas, and think of them as better than the philosophies of everybody else (!).  You have the right to your own ideas, of course, and -if different- can consider this outlook as un-virtuous or proud.

You might have noticed, however, that I think you are "God, too" and equal to me and everyone, (like everybody else).  I am an egalitarian, despite seeing the differences in authority (president), power (david eldridge-the voice in my head), wealth (such as Bill Gates), or martial-arts mastery (e.g. the shao lin monks), etc. (e.g. intelligence, beauty, happiness, rock-climbing ability...)

So I subscribe to both Egalitarianism, and Superiority.  It's a weird mix.

I admit I may be wrong, and keep an open mind to believing Anything Else, in the future.   One of my beliefs is that is doesn't matter what you believe!  (God, if good, would make Heaven a pleasant surprise for good people who didn't believe in an afterlife, for example, and not demand belief as a prerequisite for reward).

The bible says Only God is good. God is love. Love believes all things.
Buddhism says we're all good.  basic goodness.
So we're all God (syncretic belief).
   We all believe all things?  Maybe everything is true, at some level, or at one time or another.
I still think there are Objective truths, and Virtual truths (that seem true, and are operative, even if false, like Santa).   Nobody believes everything!  But maybe anybody can be made to believe anything.

So that's my thinking on this.
I also vacillate between dichotomy of and fluidity between good and evil.
I.e. the stereotypical "good" might be evil, or "evil") (e.g. killing) might be justified, at times.
I suppose this is true for most people.

Monday, October 23, 2017

A Little Depressing

Un Poco Deprimido

I've been a little depressed, lately

I'm practicing Spanish, because I'm going to Mexico in the beginning of December, with 3 friends, for 5 days (Oaxaca).  I studied 4 years high school, and minored in it at Davis, but I have a long way still to go before mastery.  I have a spanish grammar workbook, and 2 visual dictionaries, as well as a book on psychology (in spanish), from the library.  My roommates mostly speak Spanish.  So I'm "immersing."  I'm wondering how far I'll get in one month.  I also want to read La Jornada at the library (around 20 issues).  A bit overwhelming.  It was never my best/favorite subject.  The NY Times had an article that wasn't too encouraging, re: the status of Mexico, and my uncle Jim gave a dire "good luck":  The crime and safety situation there leave a bit to be desired, one could say.  Plus airplanes can be a bit spooky.

I bought Halloween candy, but ate it all.  I do this every year.   I'm a bit antisocial, and will probably not go to my friend's Halloween party.

God created the world in 3761 bc (oct 7), according to jewish tradition (ha/ugh)

My dad thinks Scouting is doomed.

My uncle Jim has cancer.  He's in the hospital, on oxygen, with bacterial/viral infection, plus pneumonia.  Not good.   Sara's dad has cancer, too.

I read the entire 19.5 pound, 2 volume, collected works of Gary Larson (The Far Side). I've been noticing all the real people who look like they stepped out of his cartoons (for example, an obese horned rim-glasses wearing woman). 

A friend of my family, Mike Rankin, just died.

My other uncle, Tom, just died.   My godfather, Dick Zonca, died before that, not too long ago.

A friend of mine is getting electroshock treatment.  It makes her forget stuff.  Her dog Fido was recently "put to sleep."  Her other dog Taco has cancer, and is getting fatter and fatter from her meds. 

Earthquakes, fires, hurricanes, and nuclear threat...

Psych problems (the same: head shocks, chest pains, voice..)

Well, it can't always be Paradise (!)

11/1 update:(two more things)
        Taco is on antibiotics for a liver infection; and
        Sara's mom's husband (Ron)'s son just died, as well.

Friday, October 13, 2017

An Ideal World

it's called The Heavens because there's more than one
(my version)

No war, no police, no nukes, no crime, no hate, no sickness, no death, no aging, no indoor cockroaches, no irritation, no discomfort, no poverty, no madness, no suffering, no pain, no loneliness, no sorrow, no evil.

Love, friendship, joy, freedom, equality, pleasure, treasure, wealth, health, comfort, security, and entertainment. Teleportation? Time travel? Hovercraft? Holodecks? Interstellar travel? Unlimited, free heroin?

No car accidents, no misunderstandings, amity, comity, levity, brevity.

Sushi, thai, burmese, chinese food available always and everywhere.

Everyone healthy, fit, strong, sane. Integrity and authenticity and sincerity and respect. No psychiatric drugs necessary.

No condescension, mind control, stupidity, ignorance, obesity, addiction, repression.

No murder. All life in harmony. Carnivores satisfied with delicious substitutes.

No slavery, sex-slavery, wage-slavery, forced labor, social control, unwilling assent, hierarchy, superiority, inequality, castes, grovelling, kowtowing, dictatorial powers and rule, military orders, resentment, or jail, prison, incarceration, punishment, or any other limits to Absolute Freedom.

No one will live under a social contract ,or rule of law, that they do not agree with.

Submission of any kind is entirely voluntary, and non-binding.

Love is the whole of the law. Hate is just another form of love: Loving something else.

Life is fun, pleasant, satisfying. Variety, challenge, reward, and bliss.

Laughter and companionship, excitement, joy, and non-judgement.
The freedom of leisure to rest, relax, and laze in torpid sloth.
The reaching of human and individual potential.
Safety, security, and utopian lack of threat.
Perfect happiness.

Heaven, the kingdom, utopia, perfection
individually, and collectively.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Vice and Virtue

Good and Evil

Evil, first (the problem)
Good, second (the solution)

unhealth, sick, ill, diseased
boredom, ennui, apathy
tyranny, despotism, authoritarianism
stupidity, ignorance, incuriosity
folly, foolishness, immaturity, carelessness, error
confusion, delusion
bad, mad, sad
crime (illegal, criminal, unlawful) and sin (“palages”)
categories of crime: vice, violence -manslaughter, murder, homicide
categories of sin: pride, avarice, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth
haughty, greedy, salacious, malicious, overeating, jealous, idle
madness, anger, insanity
psychotic, schizophrenic, mentally ill, crazy, loco, nuts
anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury (wharf)
disgust, aversion, resentment
pain and suffering, dukkha and dissatisfaction
      previous post on dukkha: (dukkha link)
victimization, vice, violence, viciousness
worry, anxiety, stress, panic, terror, resignation, defeat
cruelty, torture, barbarity, savagery, brutality
agony, torment; fear, horror
misery, anguish, despair, hopelessness
sad, unhappy, discontented
depression, oppression, obsession, repression
sadism, schadenfreude
corruption, slavery, rape
assault, battery, theft
wickedness, evil, sin, turpitude, depravity
immoral, unethical
inhumane, ruthless
sick and twisted
diabolical, demonic, depraved
death and destruction, wicked and wrong
violence, war, combat, fighting, aggression
inhumanity, inequality
injustice, unfairness
"slay all day", "kill 'em all, let god sort 'em out"
"murder is my business, and business is good",
"make a killing", the mad interpretation of "make a difference"
(difference in the sense of subtraction, minus: less lives)
capiche? money, mad magazine, and progress are great!

if "it's all good", maybe the concept of evil is evil
unless the concept of evil is part of "all"  :-)

God, Love, Truth, Beauty
mentally awake, morally straight
motivated, dedicated
character strengths and virtues (seligman)
virtue, morality, ethics, righteousness, probity
help others at all times, be a man for others
to serve and protect
do best/duty, do a good turn daily, be prepared
(a scout is) loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent
trustworthy (but the art of war is deception)
obedience (my least favorite)
kindness (“is my religion”)
reverent is tricky (for an atheist) (or a friend of the devil)
do my duty to god and country: (complicated by putting humanism over patriotism)
cheerfulness is not appropriate, sometimes

God is good, everywhere
“all good” and “all right”
strong, fit, healthy, sane, well; measurable self-improvement
feeling good, healthy, happy, alive! endorphins, sex, good nutrition
friendship, humor, laughter, play
in love, loving, loved, "loving-kindness"
equanimity, acceptance (vs. resignation, defeat)
optimism, positivity, joy, happiness, cheer, bliss, ecstasy, elation
goodwill, harmony, love, respect, honor, appreciation, gratitude, thanks, praise
kindness, compassion, sympathy, empathy, charity, giving, hope, forgiveness, mercy
sincerity, honesty, openness, trust
justice and fairness, freedom, dignity
civilization: civility, cooperation, communication
satisfaction, contentment, comfort, peace, security
basic needs, healthcare, food, clean water, shelter, clothing, sanitation
income, money, wealth, prosperity, plenty
progress, betterment, development, growth, change, improvement
nature, relaxation, pleasure, leisure
libraries, music, books, tv/movies, restaurants
stimulus, variety, engagement
meditation, discernment, calm peaceful quiet
relaxation, sit, do nothing, breathe, be
to be good it is enough to not be bad, to simply be
“only god is good” plus “basic goodness” = everybody God
2 "spells" from B+B:
(provenance: syncretism of Bible (only God is good, Mark 10:18)
with shambala Buddhism (basic goodness, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, link)
("now everybody's me!" -dead milkmen)
victory, self-mastery

hug, kiss, embrace, massage
sex, love, intimacy, touch
cum, ecstasy, orgasm
passion, excitement
dance and romance
Get On Down!

Friday, October 6, 2017

Hillary Madness


My friend Sara met HRC today, at a book signing of her "What Happened."
I haven't read it, but I have my own ideas.
I want to read it to see if she mentions them.

Hillary Clinton anagrams to "only i can thrill"
Donald Trump anagrams to "ton lard dump"

I also see rump and clit, in there...
don (like a mafia d-, or d- quixote), vs. hill (i.e. capitol  h-)

The Economist, awhile back, said that Trump support correlated closely, regionally, with high rates of diabetes and obesity (I think it was).  People that most need CHANGE (in their own bodies!) voted for Trump, the non-politician.   I call this bio-politics.  And it makes sense.   If you're unhappy, you'll vote for the change candidate (perhaps blaming your unhealth on "the system" or "lousy politicians").

I found it interesting to note that Hillary's signature (on Sara's book) omits the "ton" from Clinton.  These are the letters she shares with dONald Trump, as well as being a possible reference to obesity.

I bought a Cherry Garcia (ben n jerry's) ice cream on voting day, I remember.   Sometimes I wonder if that had an effect on the election!! (crazy?) The pundits said Donald had a 16% chance of winning, the day before.  I really wonder how they came up with that number..  I don't buy ice cream very often.

Well, I hope having The Donald in the white house leads to weight loss and better health!

Jerry Garcia, by the way, said "voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil."
I imagine this idea was in the mix on voting day-
just like ben n jerry's being from VT (bernie's state).

go figure.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

"people are dying"

I've been hearing this phrase in my head for awhile, now

(but it's in the news from the governor of Puerto Rico, after hurricane Maria)

what it means:
8 possibilities (but we all know it's just one)

"people are dying"
1. literally (just dead)
    or, getting closer to death (all of us, right?)
2.figuratively, a. (embarrassment), b. ("little death", aka orgasm)
3. code: (dying = killing) e.g. you are dying me
4. homonym, dye-ing (coloring a fabric)
5. DI-ing (e.g. princess Diana)
6.die-ing (obsolete form of the singular of dice)

i think there's more!
using google-

1.da'i (arabic):
someone who invites another into Islam (missionary, engaging in dawah)
    (i dreamed of a girl saying "hada'a", and there was a website using the word dai)
2.(japanese) table
3.(chinese) band
4.(italian) from
5.(hindi) safety

it makes me think of I, Da.  (adi da, yes?)

And, while we're on the subject of death,
military slogans:
1.aim high
2.be all that you can be
3.get an edge on life
4.army of one
5.army strong

and, on a related note, associations for the word 'pillow' (!)
PLO (palestinian liberation organization)
pill o
pill ow
pill low
(e.g. viagra, painkillers, and prozac ("upper")("and one pill brings you low")

de plo rable, di plo macy, im plo sion!!

To Do, updated

To Do (eat, exercise, sleep; read, watch, listen; write, talk, create; work, play, move stuff around)

apple store: apple ipad (apple id?), change pw, ensure not charged for itunes; mountain mike's,
buy disaster preparedness kit (camping stove/fuel, can food, water purifier, etc.)

Exercise: (home/gym/dog/yoga), meal planning (budget, vegetarian; minimal sugar, alcohol, meat), blocks of time, endorphins- better than sex! (nap, meditate, relax, music, sleep, dream)
     YMCA: swim, lift, bike.  row, elliptical, stairmaster.  free weights, machines, pull-ups/chin-ups.  personal trainer sessions, go when there's something on tv, bring fm radio/headphones, economist, book, phone (multitasking!); HOME exercises: stretch/yoga (2100), shakes, isometric, plank, passes; pushups, bicycle/ crunches; dumbbell triceps, bent row, arnold presses, front raises, lunges, dancing!

Spanish immersion (SI)/mastery; reading, listening, speaking, thinking, writing, translation; (2 visual dictionaries, regular spanish-english dictionary, library cuentos, library grammar book, found 3rd year textbook, roommates/tv, wikipedia/ yahoo/ ted/ youtube/ itunes/ cnn / la opinion)

book/day (esp. newbery award winners (children's books), joke books, short stories/BAMS (best american short mysteries), crime encyclopedia (library reference section), unread @home (mostly fiction, plus comparative religion, literature, psych, history, yoga), Lev Grossman- online "if you liked" recommendations);  lists: (purchase list book(s): 1001 "must read before you die", Bloom's canon, 501 best, "mystery" list, gates notes (bill) book recommendations, vargas, basmaji, award winners, best selling, okcupid faves, librarian picks, research literature from stacks).  anything/ everything interesting, impulse, judged from cover :-)

Magazines: peruse People, Mad, Utne, Men's Fitness, PT, and Nt'l Geo (y revistas en espanol);

Read money books, tony robbins, kaiser hw hb (health wise handbook), chambers/slang dictionaries, atlas, origami, yoga, bb (body building), aletheon (adi da), wb (world book encyclopedia),  Year's Best horror/fantasy, true crime, by prisoners, ALL the self-defense, martial arts books!
proust, shakespeare, pratchett, bryson, lev grossman, noah harari

-weekly economist (print subscription);
-library: ny times (daily), christian science monitor (weekly), foreign affairs (every other month);
-Online: yahoo y cnn (english/spanish), huffington post, berkeleyside, onion, wikipedia, la opinion; weird news, sex in the news (literotica)
-e-mail: wapo daily 202 email, ny times evening news summary
(too much?)

other online reading:
e-mail, other blogs, google, wikipedia, okcupid, ted, phrontistery, cc joke archive, J!

make a friend/day;
dance and romance, dating, sex, and love:
okcupid, match, street/campus (give my card), morning coffee/pastry, kalx ticket winning, class audit, arts and crafts locations, enroll adult school class(es), meetup groups, trips to SF, mensa, ymca exercise partner(s), fellow trivia buffs, Wag! (bring shirt, hip pack, treats, bags, bandannas), start conversations, trader joe's, distribute vegetarian flyers, youtube self-defense, aikido; find training partner(s), go to cal gymnastics meet (they have superpowers!), play with Augie and Ben and Declan and Esme.  Chess?  senior center?

$ possibility:
Post Wag referral cards, advertise as cuddle/exercise partner, nature hike leader, trivia compiler. Bellman. Author: write/publish, update/print blog, SEO/spark, elicit, strengthen, cause, grow readership. Make into book. Research at gtu, cal; from public libraries, shambala buddhist center, and link+. Researcher, librarian. Journalist. Self-defense instructor, personal trainer. Rent-a-friend. Military psychiatrist. Philosopher. Audio-book narrator. Naturalist, botanist, zoologist. 

MSJ (mission san jose, fremont) gardening, paint doors with Julie, big brother, plant trees in oakland, prison lit volunteer, spiritual variety (different services), read books for blind, gtu librarian/relaxation (ook!), research volunteer opportunities/website, listings

Cal library: research topic. (unmatriculated phd?, inexpensive/free diploma opportunity?) Book.  

fold futon mattress, whrb morning jazz, history x3 (wikipedia/ books- Grim Reaper, Today in H),
stretch, 4 vitamins, move indicator-tack, oatmeal/raisins, coffee
bathroom: brush (hair, teeth), floss, piss/shit, deodorant, shave;
gnc (before gym), shower (after), nap (if necessary), mcgee meals mwf nearby
read email and news and spanish and facts and book, laundry (once/week-ish), listen to music and relax, walk dogs, occ. visit SPA (Sara, Pierre, and Augie), write blog, get food/eat, exercise (at gym and/or at home), go to library, clean and straighten/organize, set alarm, pull futon pad onto floor, night meds, evening review, go to bed (etb/etr; 9:30p-4:30a).

daily ny times, wapo 202, delancey book excerpt, poem (poetry foundation), trivia, vocab, nextdoor updates, family correspondence

yahoo news, music/comedy-itunes/youtube/pandora, dancing (use itunes gift cards!),
fb (facebook), wikipedia, google, ted, oyc (yale), onion, wbsm (ben stein), cc joke archive, coursera, lumosity, wolfram alpha, phrontistery, weird universe, J!, pinterest, ipad mini trivia game

(youtube): e.g. geography bee, ask a ninja, bb motivation, cirque, juggling, parkour, music videos, background sound, self-defense, anime/animation/cartoons, cash cab, ridiculousness, dance-off!, marx brothers, laurel and hardy, monty python, stand-up comedy.  pixar, dr. katz

tv (gym, S+P's, bar, Barry's)
(netflix, roku) game of thrones, black mirror, westworld, curb your enthusiasm, (animation): simpsons, ren n stimpy, old cartoons, beavis n butthead, southpark

fandango gift cards, spike n mike's twisted film festival (sf?); (documentaries, nature): imax, piedmont video rentals, library dvd's/cd's, documentary channel (online?), nature videos- e.g. nt'l geo specials, apple tv?

J! (jeopardy question archive, “3 months” to go through them all), trivia cards, fact books (entire library reference section!), teacher's tests archive?; old-time radio, bay area museums (52 in SF alone), nihonmachi street fair, bay to breakers, comedy books/clubs, nature/royaneh, canoeing, white water rafting (oa? outdoor adventures)), great america, visit Pat Zonca (w/ mom, train?), hike up Mt. Davidson (to cross?), wayne n gloria, yoga, bay area tourist travel guide rec's, park n rec publication activities, aquarium, planetarium, exploratorium, lawrence hall of science, ballet, symphony, opera ; boating, fishing, horses, camping, hiking, photography, astronomy, bird watching; library trivia night! Indian rock, sweat lodge. SJ sharks, sf dogfish, 49ers, a's/giant's, soccer, olympics. Go see a movie, eat sushi thai indian chinese burmese vietnamese mexican ethiopian, get crafty, do drugs.  dating! Videogames, solitaire, cribbage.  get a massage.  occasional catholic mass. 

Go Slow. People-watching. Do nothing. Nothing at all. Vegetate. Be one with the universe. Om.

be good. Don't be bad. basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, clean water, sanitation, healthcare.
Respect, love, kindness, joy, security, comfort, peace, happiness, contentment, equanimity.

bring book lists to library list, visit ALL local libraries/swimming pools, take all local bus lines

pimp (people in my past):
John Sims- Melanie?, contact Jose Vargas, radio show? Heuser writings, Al Madrigal hbo special
past: Mary Moran, Holly Johnson, Joe Flaherty, Mike Nathan; reunion (Mike Ferry photo's?); visit Michael Helbush and Barry Wichman, Annette V Riddle, Pat's storage.

Fave comedians:
Stephen Wright, Louis CK, Monty Python, Al Madrigal, Joe Frank
jokes, humor, comedy, satire. Laugh, smile, play, fun. Joy, happiness, frivolity, merriment!

college radio (listen, list ten):
Wprb (princeton) marven rosen, hos (hearts of space), wmbr (mit) reggae;
sunday mornings- philosophy talk, whrb (harvard), kalx (cal) < online, or on the air (fm)
kzsu (stanford), wybcx (yale), kzsc (santa cruz), gdradio.net (grateful dead), kcpr (san luis obispo), kdvs (davis), 11!

Superbetter, book and website, daily maintenance and improvement, getting out of social comfort zone (bars?), make the perfect self-employment opportunity (digital books ,worldwide), AA (!), speed-reading books (class?)

put free meals on calendar, monthly food pantry, scheduled alternating lunches with Sara, 801 cookies

discover and go, comicon, made museum, pinterest, dan clegg, shotgun theater, cirque, magic, sumo, mma, wwe, lawn bowling, horseshoes, national parks, world roller-coasters, skydiving, hang-gliding, rock/mountain climbing/scrambling, fly a kite, make bubbles, origami, light of, pottery, a book, an invention, money, babies.

instagram, melissa and james, train museums, twitter (pe resists), walk lake, haircuts, toys r us, piedmont theater, ice cream, video, and massage. Kaiser (other?) cbt class. Read, enjoy in courtyard.

travel and explore: world, country, california, bay area, berkeley, my neighborhood! Nature tourism.

Berkeley alumni center/employment office resources
Career OneStop (library website link);

also, Britannica, Explora, National Geographic, Mango languages, OED (oxford english dictionary), Legal Information Reference Center, Gale Business eBook Collection.

purchase e-bike,

if well-
tesla, porsche, bmw motorcycle
save money, self-discipline, bfp (berkeley food pantry)
fence windmills