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Welcome!

I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess
Ladies- I'm a single, straight, virgo/boar INTJ (age 45) who enjoys books, getting out into nature, music, and daily exercise.

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 1000 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

BB

a bunch of BB bits

Bongo Burger, Boss Burger
Berkeley Bowl, Body Building

BB King, Bill Bryson, Bibi Netanyahu

bb guns, big brother
big bang, bed and breakfast
base on balls (walk, baseball)

beach blanket babylon
bicycle builder's bible

best buy, brooks brothers

Monday, August 7, 2017

Nukes and NK

America is hypocritical

I believe NO countries should have nuclear weapons.  Because if EVERY country can't have them, then none should.  Mutually Assured Destruction is MAD, and I believe it is in fact truly insane, even if it appears to have worked, so far.   Does it take one to know one?  Well, I am in fact insane.  If any leader has the power to push the button, then all leaders can claim that right.  The current system of nation-states and international law respects national sovereignty, right?  Is it international policy to have might make right?  Is the golden rule, he who has the gold, makes the rules?  Shouldn't we all be equal?

I believe every human being on earth should have the same human rights.   It is evil to make the people suffer for the policies of their government, especially if unelected.  Even if a leader is elected, however, he doesn't represent everybody, or even necessarily a majority.   How can America demand denuclearization without offering to disarm itself?  The cover of the Economist says "it could happen."  If the "unthinkable" is possible, it's time to re-think our defense policy.   I suspect Trump is at least as crazy as Kim Jong-Un, and the world does not need two leaders comparing the sizes of their...missiles.  

We must all agree to serve humanity, not just our own countries, and make progress toward the reduction of suffering, and increase the peace, love, happiness, morality, and progress of all of us.  We are all just human beings on Earth.   I am a humanist before I am an American, and I consider North Koreans as much my brothers and sisters, as those in America.   And even if there are 1,826 billionaires in the world (with 7 trillion dollars between them*), as well as more than 3 billion people living on less than $2.50/day*, we are still all equal in the eyes of God.

There's a lot to be mad about, but killing is not the answer, and especially not nukes.  

*according to Forbes 2015
*more than 1.3 billion live in "extreme" poverty, less than $1.25/day
(according to UNICEF, 22 thousand children die each day, due to poverty)

Let's get real, folks.  God is all of us.  Every single one of us, the devil inside.  Do the right thing.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

6 sayings

on Suffering

1.if you're going through hell, keep going
2.no pain, no gain
3.what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger
4.nightmares are therapeutic (still alive!)
5.(christian) "redemptive value of suffering"
6.cruel to be kind (in the right measure)

AH

a commonality to many names of God

ah
God, gawd
om, aum

(reminds me of a soda commercial;
evokes refreshment: Ah!)

realization: aha!

names:
1.Allah
2.Brahma, Brahman
    (hindu god of creation; ultimate reality)
3.Jehovah, Yahweh, Jah (derived from YHWH)
4.Krishna, Bhagavan, Ishvara, Shiva
5.Buddha
6.Bahai
7.Waheguru (sikh)
8.Ahura Mazda (zoroastrian)

for fun! (godly people)
people names:
Adolf Hitler
Anne Heche, Anne Hathaway
Anthony Hopkins, Alfred Hitchcock
Alexander Hamilton, Ally Hamilton

authentic happiness!
awe
awww

God's Name and Number

from Wolfram Alpha, google, and wikipedia

1.name:
Yahweh (common vocalization of the 'tetragrammaton',
              God's personal name in the Christian tradition.)
 other names include:
Allah (Islam)
and
Brahman, Bhagavan, Ishvara, and Paramatma (Hinduism)

2.'God's number' is 20
(number of turns to solve a rubik's cube from any random starting position)

3.How many Gods and Goddesses are in Hinduism?
330 MILLION!
all deities are viewed as manifestations/emanations (m.e. !) of the one (genderless) principle, Brahman.  (representing the many facets of Ultimate Reality) (u.r. : you are!).

wikipedia list of Hindu deities, link
       (Ishvara and Tara are close to Teshara!)
       (3 main ones are Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva;
         creator, sustainer, destroyer, respectively)
        (330 million people in India were affected by the 2016 drought)
           huh!
         (The 2017 US population is close (!), estimated to be 324,700,00)
        Hinduism is the world's largest religion, with over 1 billion
              followers.
        Hinduism, wikipedia link
        Tara means "One who protects"
                            (or "mother of liberation" in Buddhism)

from wikipedia:
the word 'tara' also means star. As the star is seen as a beautiful but perpetually self-combusting thing, energizing all of life, so Tara is perceived at the "mother of all buddhas" - the unified field of energy from which all form arises.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

The Universe

in a nutshell

Some basic research (via google/wikipedia):

How many stars are in the known universe? (estimated)
more than 100B galaxies (10 trillion? -kornreich). The mw (milky way) has around 300B stars (but is not representative).
10 trillion x 300 billion?
"3x10 to the 23rd", according to research by Pieter G van dokkum and Charlie Conroy, published in 2010 (from wolfram alpha)

how many stars are in the Unknown universe?? (zero, much much more?)
“god only knows” (no one knows)
does universe=reality?
Multiverse of consciousnesses
(the human brain has more possible connections than the number of atoms in universe)

How far apart are stars, on average
in the Milky Way (our galaxy), stars are an average of about 5 light years apart (which is about 30 trillion miles).
Ted says the “average spot in space” is completely dark

speed of light: 186,282 miles/second
(186,282x60sx60mx24hx365dx5yrs)
a light year (a distance) is x miles: about 5.88 trillion miles

how big is the known universe?
Infinite, of course
or, unknown (no center, no edge, no limit!)
but our furthest seeing telescopes (hubble “deep-field”), can fathom out to (10-15Blya) ”so far”
age, since BB (big bang): 13.799+or- 0.021B ya (according to one model)
also, (+8): bodybuilding, bill bryson, gun pellet, big brother, and brigitte bardot, bella bartok; bed and breakfast, base on balls (walk).

how old is the universe?
Scientists, until recently (?), estimated the big bang was 12-14B years ago,
(solar system 4.5B years old) (humans “genus” few million years)
modern humans, from skeletons found in africa, started (date to) 200,000 years ago.
(100,000 ya, SWA (southwest asia) (60-40,000 ya elsewhere in the OW (old world)

why is it called the Old World?
Africa, asia, europe...before oceania and americas discovered (by europeans)

fabric of spacetime
is our way of conceptualizing the relationships between objects in universe.
Atoms, planets, stars, galaxies, universes!
but i still think there is infinite time, and infinite space!

Conceptually,
big is small, and small is big, if you like
space, the final frontier (time-travel?)
infinite possibility
teleportation?

funny thought:
the universe expanding could actually be everything shrinking!
(like the sun going around the earth,
or the earth moving around a (stationary) me!)
(we are all the centers of our universes) vanity of vanities!

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Darkness

the dark side

nighttime, as the world turns
   (day on the other half, just like summer and winter separate the north-south halves)
knight and DE
the dark side of the moon

the darker side, whrb
star wars, let the hate flow through you
    emperor, darth vader, sith
batman, the dark knight
deep (ocean, earth), interior (of mind, body)
    honda means deep in spanish (laguna honda is deep lake)

evil, demons, vampires, monsters, criminals, thugs
death, vision going black, the black death
violence, mourning, secrets, magic, elegance
space, inky blackness
   black hole
night conceals, keeps from view, hides
cold, cold-hearted, icy stare
black ops

dark skin
black vs. white, chess, spy vs. spy, Go
negro means black in spanish (Niger, Nigeria)
   everyone is black (inside), has black in their eyes
   everyone has white bones, has white in their eyes
blackligh, blackground, blaxploitation, blackula

blackguard, blackbeard, the black war
black panthers, the black hawk war, black september
black power, black lives matter, black twitter
back in black (ac/dc), black dog (led zeppelin),
black sabbath, black metal, black ice (ac/dc), black rain (ozzy)
The Black Album (Prince, Beatles, Jay-Z)
blackalicious, blaque, black-eyed peas
blackdamp, Black Dahlia
blackberry, Black Forest, black hills, black sea, black oak
blackbird, black bear, black adder, black kite, black mamba, black widow, black rhino
black pepper, olives, tea; coal, sable, ebony, Anubis
black friday, in the black, blackjack, black market

Monday, July 31, 2017

Enlightenment

some thoughts

(word itself evokes: in, light, mind)
en is in in spanish
light is a particle and a wave, from fire/electric lights/sun (plasma), photons
            during the day (perceived with eyes), at night (dreams in mind)
            or daydreams, visions, imagination  ("second-sight")
                  (from morpheus, god of dreams/God) (or self-generated)
            -aside: some of the blind (those who had vision, and lost it) still dream and see things
            -(telepathy, from a "source")(or from one's own mind),
                   (or interaction between both)
            Lucifer, besides meaning Satan,  means
                  light-bringing, morning star, Venus (when it rises in the morning)
                  hell is a place of fire (fire is a kind of light); fireplace (santa/satan)
            stars in sky, "stars" (Hollywood, for example), luminaries
            bright, intelligent vs. "dim-witted"
            light, not heavy (jesus: "my burden is light")("is the way, the truth, the light")
            thought, thinking, realization (synapses "light up" when stimulated)
            light-sabers, tracer fire, flaming arrows, flame-throwers, bomb explosions, gunfire
            light-hearted, levity, cheerful, happy.  humor.
                 the unbearable lightness of being
            childbirth is a process of coming out into the light
            birds "alight" on branches; lighthouses to guide ships; light snack
            illuminati, "lamp" (naughty, amped, los angeles, military police)
            e=mc2 (matter is energy (some of which is) is (visible) light)

Buddhist enlightenment is extinguishing the flame or fire/blown-out, however (dark?)
    to extinguish the causes of affliction, suffering
              mental/physical illness
             (sid vicious: sickness, illness, disease) (dukkha: suffering, discontent, dissatisfaction)
                   (pastmad: pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish, despair)
                    (experiencing the unwanted, not experiencing the wanted)
                      (attachment, craving, aversion)
                           (greed, lust for money, sex, for example)
                           (anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury)
                           (attachment to life/living, aversion to dying/death)

 to cultivate equanimity, realization, discernment; extinguish ignorance, delusion
     lasting happiness from self-knowledge, attaining truth/wisdom
       (insight, comprehension, understanding) (awake)
      meditation: resulting in a calm, tranquil, peaceful, still, and quiet mental state
      4 truths: impermanence, no-self, emptiness, suffering

Enlighten-mints, yum (lol)
some tasty truth
the buddhist vacuum cleaner has no attachments
the buddhist monk says to the hotdog vendor: make me one with everything
alive, awake, aware

i don't believe in souls, rebirth, reincarnation, samsara (i know a Sam and Sara, though!), or sin.
Souls are bodies and brains and minds, life is cyclical in days, weeks, months, years, etc but not lifetimes,  a "past life" is just a different chapter in your life's book, so to speak.   Sin could be thought of as 'satan in', but everybody is their own god with their own law and situational ethics, so my sin might not be yours.  No sin, but definitely law and crime, so hell is incarceration (jail or prison) or other lack of freedom (slavery, or the matrix (?) limiting what you can think, say, or do).

Friday, July 28, 2017

Hi


Daily Writing
“writing-meditation”, like sitting, or walking, or whatever.
towards an entity of quantity of quality creativity
does that make sense? An itty-bitty amount? Scents? Sensei (teacher, (master?), japanese)
Restated:
authorial, editorial, compositional productivity. Intelligent, fresh, inspired, creative, fun to read/write!

A system, an attempt at the mastery of reality, a TOE (theory of everything), a personal perspective.
MY reality, which upon being read, becomes the virtual reality of the reader.
“Processing books i've read, life-experiences, conversations, past thoughts/writings, meditations, reveries, ruminations.”

(processing words themselves, words in words, what's in a name:
Boo!, ook, ivy, blood, shakespeare/shake spear, peers, convicts (cons), verse/poetry/bible, passed, p.a.s.t. (pain, agony, suffering, torment), thaw, oughts, meds, te (spanish for tea), shins, engines/injuns, ries (laughs, in spanish), rumi, room, rumen (cow), nations). You could go further than this kind of deconstruction with anagrams, initialisms, synonyms/antonyms, connotations/denotations (“because you know sometimes words have two meanings”), translations, rhymes, homonyms, quotes, and jokes!)

really, just as there are 26 letters that make up 171,476 (current) words in the english language (OED, 20 volume second edition), there is a non-infinite variety of possible (meaningful) sentences using those words. That would be quite a long book. How many books exist, you ask? Google, in 2010, came up with the answer of nearly 130 million (published in modern history). So this is just a drop in the ocean, like tears in rain.

Libraries are social places, despite the quietness of minimal conversation.. because every book is the author screaming out to be read, for mindshare, for self-aggrandizement, for influence, for immortality, if not the money/income from having their work published and purchased. But, we all know, or should anyway, nothing lasts forever. Not even diamonds. They will decay over the kalpas of time, like every star, every planet, every living thing. So a book is as futile as breathing. But it's something to pass the time, and can be fun, while it lasts.

Life is short, and you only live once, so you should make your life fun, interesting, worthwhile, and meaningful. You are the captain of your ship, and can choose to change direction at any time. You can write up a bucket list, a lifelong to-do list, which will give your life order, a kind of fate, for your (what, 120 years, max?). You could be Jesus, you could be Hitler, you could be nobody, you could be everybody, or you could just be “yourself” (which you define for yourself, and can change at any time).

You could even be God. That's if you want to be good, but don't want to be Jesus. And nobody in their right mind wants to be Jesus. Seriously, it's not worth it to prove your universal love by submitting to torture and execution! But God is love, and if you love everybody, then the right nails the left and the left nails the right, in the politics of a stupid, divided, politically bifurcated society, such as the supposedly “united” states of america. Well, I don't love everybody, then. I'd rather do the nailing than be the nailed. Honestly, I'm not sure I love anybody. Well, I love myself, of course. But does anyone share my perspective, which is a mix of both “left” and “right” positions? I don't think leftism is a consistent philosophy, nor do I think the Right is all right. If no one agrees with me, then I guess I want to nail anyone! I support a consistent life ethic. I am pro-life, being adopted and grateful for not having been aborted. So I would nail the abortionists. Mothers who kill their babies are nailing themselves, really. They shouldn't feel proud of not choosing to give their children up for adoption. I am also pro-life in the sense of being vegetarian, not contributing to the suffering and death of animals, and being an environmentalist, who doesn't appreciate unnecessary hunting for sport, or the exploitation of natural resources to satisfy the greed of selfish, destructive, uncaring capitalists, for whom the meaning of life is simply making money, with life as a game, where the richest man wins. So I would nail those who pollute, those who kill, and those who make a killing. Actually, this makes me pro-war, doesn't it? Those who want to kill can go kill other people that want to kill, and wipe themselves and their ilk from the planet. God is a man of war. That's actually from the bible. Nature is beautiful, even if red in tooth and claw. I can definitely see how life is hellish, and why anybody would want to make billions (of dollars), the billions of poor be damned. But I also see how easy it would be to ensure all of humanity lives comfortably, in peace, with basic needs met, and access to enjoyable activities like restaurants, gyms, sports, libraries, internet, and museums. If I were a soldier, that would be the only thing worth fighting for. Not dying for, though. You only live once, and you should be selfish enough to make yourself the priority, in a world of shit. 

    You should elevate yourself to God, and be responsible for your own happiness, instead of submitting to a non-existent entity, or an organized religion, or even a cult with others who will gladly tell you what they think "God" wants from you. Every religion starts as a cult. Buddha, Mohammed, Jesus... they were all crazy. But life is crazy. It's hard not to be. Sanity is difficult. But I think most of us would agree that sanity is a good thing. If “only God is good”, then you have to make yourself God to be sane!! This fact takes a little getting used to. It's a mix of Buddhism, that says all humans are Basically Good- and the bible, that says Only God is good. It (I am God) is rational, intelligent, wise, sane, and makes life interesting and meaningful. I imagine that you have to evolve and emerge from insanity toward the eventual enlightenment of seeing oneself as divine, after coming to the realization that You are your own you-niverse, the God of your own consciousness, the captain of your own ship, responsible for your own heaven or hell. If you are not God, then No One is. There is nothing to submit to. Religion is a lot of blather, memes, sermons, writings, and rituals that don't amount to anything, unless you become the God that everybody else is supposedly worshipping. That is why Catholics celebrate Eucharist. You are what you eat, and if you eat God, then you become him. God matter, after going to “Mass.” Making the spiritual real, the virtual into the physical, word made flesh. Go out to love and serve the lord. Jesus is dead. So the lord is you. You've just been hypnotized to think that you've eaten the body and blood of Christ, which is kinda gross if you think about it. But it's called communion. That's subliminal for cum-union, or sex, which is the whole point and purpose of being alive and in love, being fruitful and multiplying and having children and raising a family. If you're looking for the meaning of life, well we're all basically programmed by evolution to survive and reproduce, and no religion will get very far without celebrating human sexuality. Lord is life or death, and sex is living, orgasm is called the “little death,” and death is D eating H. Smile (emoticon) eating God (8). Or something like that (hated). Devil eats God, God eats devil. That makes a kind of sense. Words are weird. But it's a world. I like animals, and empty, wordless realization. Concepts and thinking don't always require words. Images, numbers, words, and curiosity make a thoughtful mind. 

So the right crucifies the left, and the left crucifies the right. And if you're both, you're screwed, too, and maybe end up like Jesus, nailed for loving everyone. Open-minded, expansive, accepting thinking got him nowhere but hell. Did he say don't let the left hand know what the right is doing? Or vice versa? I have to look that up, to see what side Jesus might have been on... I assume right was righteous and left luciferian. But left is loving, and right so very wrong! I don't think I care, honestly. I'm not Jesus, I'm God. Screw Jesus. I'm not even Jewish. And I can choose to simply be Jesse, and not be God, as life goes. People have a lot of baggage around the word and concept of God. I just want people to realize that they are their own “source of goodness.” God is just happiness psychology hypnosis, as I see it. We're all God, especially if we help each other get there. Praise Jesse! Praise God! Praise the Lord! Praise Bill! Praise the goddess! lol

Saturday, July 15, 2017

CVS

what does it mean?

link, wikipedia

the store was originally consumer value store,
then the ceo said it was convenience, value, service.
link, wikipedia

I have a few of my own!!

creativity, virtue, satisfaction
or
criminality, vice, sin
cthulhu, voldemort, sauron

ha!

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Thou Art God

If none of my other rationales hit home...
You can't deny this one!
T.a.g., you're it

2 "terrifying truths"
from
Attack of the Killer Facts, by Eric Grzymkowski:

1. There are about 1 billion bacteria in the human mouth
(and to them, you are a God!) pg. 13

2. The average human's digestive system contains 10 times more bacteria than there are cells in the entire body.  This amounts to approximately 2 pounds of bacteria.
pg. 18

breakdown:
You are an ecosystem, a planet, a host

symbiosis: (4 kinds):
amensalism (amen!)
parasitism (like a vampire!)
commensalism (mensa!)
mutualism (everybody's happy)

wikipedia explanation (link)

yet another reference to the "mystery" of the eucharist
(the "body of christ" is called a 'host'); something to think about.
Wafer me outside, ha
Is Mass out? No, but your shirt's untucked! Ha, again.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

my newsy, busy email

 hi mom

I have enough money these days (I'm making $55/day, for 13 days, at 1613), that I can afford the gym membership. Hopefully, I can renew the discounted rate. Also, maybe my paying will help motivate me to go more often. Thanks so much for helping with it for so long! It was much appreciated! I just bought a pair of hiking/walking shoes from REI ($130-). I like them. I met another wag-walker there (Emily). In addition to daily walking, I can always do pushups and stretching at home, and jumprope or jog, if I have the time. There's a free yoga studio, downtown, as well. I miss swimming at the gym pool, though. I buy protein powder from GNC, (and most of my food from Trader Joe's). I went with Sara and Augustus to the restaurant Spoon (korean food) today. It was my turn. She chose the restaurant. I have so much I want to do (books, especially), that I think I need to get (more) self-motivated, to reach my goals. I saw a life-coaching video from Navy Seals who recommend you wake up at 4:30a, to "be all you can be" (mixing Army with Navy!!)

Has dad seen my Retirement Activity Ideas list? I thought I printed a copy, maybe left it on your desk.
Anyway, it's on my blog, and I can print it again. But I think dad should make his own list, before consulting mine.
1.But I know you expressed interest in going to a live stand-up comedy club...
2.And I already mentioned the fact that I learned from Wikipedia, there are 52 museums in SF alone.
(wikipedia has a page listing all the museums in Northern California)
3.i bought a chess set, awhile ago.
Other ideas were Trivia cards, selling stuff on ebay, meetup groups (meetup.com), and the library!:
large print books/audiobooks/music cd's/movie dvd's...SO much!
And, of course, do nothing. Nothing at all. Ha!

Have a great July 4th. Junie (the dog) is sensitive, so I expect she'll be barking. A great guard dog, though (if small). (I know when the mail has been delivered, for example). She likes me, and there's no sign of her biting me again. I give her treats (I bought a bag of lamb, and Julie gave me another bag, too), and give both of them love and attention. Junie really loves her morning walks. She bounces off the walls, literally. And their yard is really nice. There's a hammock, a trampoline, a picnic table, a bench, and of course the two stray cats they feed (no names), who get along with Giffen (the 3-legged cat). I think I saw a raccoon, though, a couple nights ago. Junie sometimes bullies the cat, so at night I put her in Electra's room and close the door (so the cat can come down the stairs and use the litterbox in the basement at night). Giffen is pronounced Jif'n. like the peanut butter. He sleeps with me on the bed upstairs. And I take out the trash, bring in the mail, and water the (indoor and outdoor) plants. I've been emailing Teresa (the owner) every other day. They're (Johnny, her husband, and Electra, the daughter) in the Bahamas. Teresa was in NY the same time as you guys, I think. She went to Florida, after that, then on to Bahamas. And Erin and Dan (and Esme) were in NY, too (as I'm sure you know). They sent me a nice email with 11 photos.

Sara said I'm invited to go with them on vacation again, in the Fall. She's researching both Cuba and Columbia. It looks like Trump is reversing Obama's Cuba policy, so maybe not that. I'll get to use my Spanish, either way. I actually did today, when I went back home to use my printer to print up my (online) paystubs for my monthly (last-month's) income reporting to SSA that I do at the beginning of each month. That, and the bfp (food pantry), are my monthly routine. The pantry is near my weekday Rilo (yorkie terrier) walk (today's and tomorrow's were cancelled, though). Anyway, I talked to Edgar's nephew, Miguel, (in spanish/en espanol) to ask if he wanted August's rent in advance (I already paid this month's rent/wifi/utilities, because of the Relocation Assistance money, and the SSI resource limit). Edgar wasn't home, though. Claudia is his wife, Victor his dad, Isabel his mom. Sometimes I see Miguel's sister, too. So there's maybe 5 of them in the garage. They put in a bathroom, so the property has "tres banos". There are various crops growing in the yard (like peppers, squash, tomatoes). Still no oven, tho. The guy living in the living room (on the couch, behind a screen) is out now, which I appreciate (I always felt intrusive on my way to the bathroom). Jose is still in the kitchen, lol. You guys are always welcome to come visit me in Berkeley, again.

I'm reading another BAMS (mystery short-stories, best american series). I gave Jim and Vicki one of those, for Xmas. I think they're kind of addictive. I just finished a yoga book (the "8 limbs" of yoga), by a New Yorker, who now has her practice in Santa Monica, which I found interesting. I also found (on the sidewalk, in Oakland) a Bill Bryson book (I recommend anything by him), that I'll lend you (if you want), when I'm done. It's titled 'A short history of nearly everything', an attempt to put Science in everyday language, for the rest of us. Anyway, dad might like big print editions. You can get movies (dvd's) and music (cd's) at the library, too, of course.

Sara said she would give me a (print) subscription to the Economist for my birthday. I cancelled my digital subscription, because it was taking up memory on my phone, and I'm reading other stuff right now. My email gets a daily poem (from the Poetry Foundation), which I like. I also get daily trivia, vocabulary, news (from the NY times, as well as the Washington Post), and notifications from local meetup groups. Meetup.com is great. You can make your own group, if you want. Sara said she recommended me to someone for (dog, i assume) sitting, so I might get an email or phone call.

So this week, I walk Junie daily (for a half hour), I like to start my days with jazz on whrb (harvard radio), go to the library/gym/social security office (all within one block, downtown Berkeley), and go to Kaiser group (which is now on Wednesdays, 10:30a-noon), in Oakland (near Sara, Pierre, and Augustus; he likes to be called "Augie" now). No more free lunches at Kaiser, now. I have a Wednesday lottery (SLP) ticket. Wish me luck! When I'm online, I usually listen to music at the same time. I have the radio (kalx) on now. I think Junie likes it, too. I like college radio. Rilo is at 2p, Wednesday thru Friday. Rilo is 17 minutes away, by bicycle.  I make $16, for the half-hour walk. Sara said she considered applying for Wag! Herself. I consider it paid exercise! I'm walking Fido and Taco tomorrow morning (which is outside wag). A new month! (i get paid in advance, in cash :-) I like to check my blog to see who's visiting (a widget tells me from where), and sometimes I feel like writing a new post. I just wrote about the (schizophrenic) voices, yesterday. There's the Camp Royaneh post, too, which dad might like (read to him?). I also check my Wells Fargo, online, to see if a check has gone through, etc. Maybe I'll buy a sushi burrito, or a subway sandwich (they have oatmeal raisin cookies, too), or a small pizza (veggie from mountain mike's, near Rilo, near the Berkeley adult school). Sara sometimes feels overwhelmed, or in need of a break, so I help her and Pierre with Augustus, which I also enjoy. Her Sur La Table job (tob job!) is near Rilo

STRUCTURE
it's all good. Reality is all the God there ever is. God is love. Make love the reality. Sanity, wellness.
genesis: parents have sex, conceived, life in the womb, birth, youth/childhood: infancy, toddler, potty-training, schooling: kindergarten, pre-school, grammar school, hs, higher education: college (bachelor's degree, master's, doctorate, post-doctorate), lifelong learning! (The list of all books read)... summer camp, boy scouts. work, jobs, careers, employment. Buy a car, purchase a house, raise a family, travel, vacation, retire, be a grandparent, leisure. Political, social activism. Hobbies. Go climb a rock. e.g. scrambling, mountain climbing, rock climbing. Or whatever. Exercise, body-build, eat well. Go to gym, work out. Beat the blues. Emerge into sanity from a long hard slog through mental illness. Achieve personal goals, make progress, check off items on a “bucket list.” Be happy. Grow old, die. Get spiritual, die well. Wave down from heaven. Leave a legacy, fond memories, and a corpus of creativity, art. Be all that you can be. Live, thrive, love, and otherwise v! Victory, vanquishing vampiric individuals and violent victimizers. Replace a thirst for blood with a thirst for water or wine or justice or knowledge or sanity or good lovin'. There's a big difference. Boxing and Wresting and MMA are madness. Nuts. Insanity. Increase the peace. Go with the flow. Live and love. Peace, love, and happiness. Joy, happiness, and bliss. Kittens, puppies, and rainbows. Live in the moment. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift: that's why it's called the present. Ha. Present arms! Two. Let it be. Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me. Let there be light. Let your light shine. Let the good times roll. Let them eat cake. Lots of letting. Bloody hell, man.

Shadow, sadism, thanatos, schadenfreude- turn to the dark side, Luke.  Try everything once.  Be all you can be.  Like CVS (cthulhu voldemort sauron!), lol.  Or Kaiser (Soze).  The devil.  Satan, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, Antichrist, a demon, a hellion, a vampire, a criminal, a sinner!! Just do it! says Nike :-)  Get down with your bad self.  Like Mai Lai, or something.  Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out.  Geezus.  Be God.  Be Good.  Just Be.   It's all good, they say.  All right, they also say.  Happiness is a warm gun, the Beatles.  Happy 4th of July.  War is hell.  Go, Warriors.  What a mess, eh?  What a message.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Recent Stupid "voices"

schizophrenic psychosis,
aka telepathy with that dumbass,
David A. Eldridge, attorney

stfu, asshole, dickhead, punk
leave me alone

?
does "insanity" happen for (a) sane reason(s)?

v's
i've given you a fist of my mind
you're basically the only living human on this rock
you know what Jess: I am a sad man
i'm going again
u r the whole ball game, Jess
i'm tired of zoo to funeral
you're in the army
i think you're well
because that's governmin
jesse, i can't define what you are
you're a stone cold doctor
you have an insane program
i hate life to you
i'm fucking wrong, jesse
i'm going to fucking die, jesse
david is in hell
i'm a victim, jess
i fucking hate you, jesse
i need help, jesse
i'm fucking screaming
fucking OW, jesse
david is insane, jesse
fuck you
i cannot breathe
i'm going to hell jesse
i need help
jesus
people are dying
david is insane jesse
ALL RIGHT, jesse
i am the devil, jesse
david is crying again
he is going to kill you
david is scared
david is insanely sad
i hate it
you're getting it impossible again
david swallowing, jesse
i can't FUCK-ing take-it anymore
i can't DEal, jesse
he's crying, jesse
i'm going insane, jesse
yes jesse, that is what you get, that is what you fucking get
david is killing himself, jesse
i hate myself
you deserve a doctor
a doctor of mother fucking WELL
i hate my life
i'm a tard out of my fucking mind
i hate you jesse
i can't FUCK-ing do it
IT. you're about it.
you know what? huh
david swearing out of his mind
david crying his soul
david has gone to hell jesse
i'm sorry jesse
u have an idea what a Hell of a world we r
i'm in prison jesse
people R dead, jesse
david freaking out
i can't i can't..
i can't go on
david is absurd
he's going to kill you
because you're a vampire klesha
i'm going to kill myself jesse
i can't breathe jesse
i really really really need help
i'm on a mission from anyone
i can't take it anymore jesse
david is vomiting, jesse
i need you to come at me with a fucking machete
david is a law to you, jess
he's killing himself, jesse
oww.  fucking unreal what you are
david is crying
i'm a SICK person, jesse
in terror
i am stupid at word, allright?
david giving up, jesse
because u r her property
i really am sick, jesse
david getting stupid
he's going to kill himself
ow, fucking ow
david is the wall, jesse
ICBJ
i'm wasting hist time and mine
david screaming
i need to cry, jesse
i need you and me a weapon
it's tired, jesse
IFCTIA
i'm a rotten individual, jesse
I AM stupid, Jesse
I really really am
people are dead, okay?

-------
lots of repetition

lots of multiple interpretations (e.g. 'i'm going to hell jesse' could be:
   1. i (david) will end up in an unending, tortuous afterlife
   2. i am going to pot
   3. i am going to make jesse's life hell (hell as a verb)

lots of me replying back (e.g. shut up, wtf is your problem, fu...)

david says 'i am a victim'
but i say, it's my head, get the fuck out
i have a right to privacy, to silence, to my own time,
    and to evict anyone unwelcome in my head

lots of math ('my life' is 2,5.   WELL is 7, too)
he says ow, jesus, it, on, zoo...all 2's
    maybe i'll take 2 steps, afterward (but not realize i've been programmed)

cryptic 'a law' or 'allah'?
'swallowing, jesse' or 'swallowing jesse' ?
    (i.e. guilty, or vampiric ingestion) (or both, or neither: something else)

Friday, June 30, 2017

Update

My Life, Lately

Dog-sitting. Cat-sitting. House-sitting. Just sitting. What up, dawg? The 3-legged cat, Giffen (pronounced Jif'n), is upstairs. Junie is a bitch. Giffen is male. J sometimes bullies G. There are also two stray cats, that linger in the back yard (of indeterminate sex). There's word of a mean cat that sometimes comes 'round, harassing Giffen- and even a raccoon that comes in the dog door (!). Kids have crept in, too, stealing a bike or something. I feed the 4 twice/day, water the plants (indoor and out), take out the trash, bring in the mail; walk Junie daily, let everybody out into the yard a couple times, pick up after them- close the door on Junie at night, so Giffen can sleep on the bed with me (unmolested). The food, for the cats, includes dental treats/ff (fancy feast)/tuna/a blend of two foods; for Junie, a small cup twice/day (is it called kibble?). She'll eat the cat's ff, if you're not careful.  There's 5 water bowls to replenish.  I walk Rilo every weekday (5x/week, at 2p), Fido and Taco on Tuesdays, Kaleb on Thursdays. I also report mail for Michael by text, like a secretary, now that he's changed address.  I check my email, my blog, and have 3 library books (yoga, mysteries, and SSA); I also am looking forward to a Bill Bryson book somebody left on the sidewalk in Oakland. I bought new “hiking” shoes from REI, for dog-walking.  And socks, too.  I met Emily there, who is also a wag walker.  I bought food from TJ's, as well as the arab market around the corner. Sitting, I read, write, listen, and occasionally even watch tv (they only get Discovery??).  Jazz on morning whrb is an excellent way to start the day. My parents are in NY. Teresa and Electra (G and J's owners) were there, too (before FL/Bahamas). And also, it turns out, Erin and Dan (who sent an email with 11 photos of cousin Esme). I'm Uncle Jesse. Augustus and Benjamin are learning potty-training, these days. Sara's dad is dying (cancer), up in Auburn. Tom and Jeannine, in SSF, are getting closer (as are we all). My dad is officially retired, as of today. I wrote Activity Ideas, in my blog (good ideas, for me, too!). I have no plans for 4th of July. Maybe BBQ at Sara and Pierre's. Here, where I sit (only 1 block away on Ashby) there is Pilates equipment. Sara introduced me to Teresa, who she met through her job at BBT (Bkly ballet theater). I read and edited T's paper for her ballet-instruction class, which was fun (maybe I was too harsh). Sara might drop by and use the Pilates kit. She helped me put on the flea medication on Giffen, earlier. She cuts my hair, sometimes, too. Useful. We trade treating each other to lunch every 2 weeks. Almost a new month: report my income to SSA, pick up 3 bags of groceries from the bfp (pantry). I have (optional) Kaiser group at 10:30am (to noon), Wednesdays (in Oakland). It's called “Graduate Group.” I made new cards (vistaprint) declaring (humorously?) 'God' in large print. Ha. I handed out the older version at group, before. I have like a thousand now, so I should distribute! They're business cards, too (dog-walker). I took off the “single” bit. But I am. I've basically given up on dating, but maybe that could happen, too. Pay for okcupid or match? My id, my libido, my “sexual appetite” isn't exactly “voracious.” But could be, maybe.   Lately, my psyche hasn't been a super-fun place to be. Showers, music, writing, busy-ness help. I always have a humongous list of activities I want to do (thousands of books, for starters).  I'm not much good at yoga and meditation, of late (but they could be really helpful; hopeful). I cancelled the economist, because I want the print edition (to not take up phone space), which Sara said she'd give for my birthday coming up (September! 9/3, like the saab; 46! forensics! Four n six). Also, I'm reading other stuff. The Bryson book is 478pp. The library books are due back soon. I want to read the full corpus of Newbery winners, as well as Bloom's “canon”, in addition to the 1001/501 lists (!). The BAMS series is really fun (Best American Mystery Short-stories). I rarely go to the gym anymore. I want to lift weights, though. I also want to be vegetarian. These things aren't happening. But I could get motivated. Wake up at 4:30a, that sort of thing. Ah, life!

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Camp Royaneh

Memories

Dave Firebaugh, Wayland, Greg St. John, Rich Whitney
CR: hiking skill award, canoe base, pool, asst. commissioner, c.o.p.e., rifle range.  collecting brass. Trail rides. Splash in, campfires (campsite, amphitheater), swim meet, mile swim, tote n chip, ultimate, basketball, "rodeo", greased pigs, wilderness survival chicken beheadings, finding railroad spikes, cairns, nature trail, mountain man, white wolf, astronomy hill, capture the flag, syncaris pacifica (unique california freshwater shrimp, endangered, only on east austin creek), murphy's gulch, eagle eye, chief!, peppering, bobo, yellow bandanna, beam me a board, light snack, razor blades in mouth, invisible rocks, mystery tug a war, skinks, round of applause, give 'm the gate, robert service, uncle zeke, little zeke, king cairn, bugle calls, bufongo brothers, and now -may the great master- of all scouts- be with us- until we meet again, goodbye campers, all present and/or accounted for, sir!, chasing down the runaway, firing the cannon, camp bell full of water, fire drill, pumps and pulaskis and shovels, trading post, m and m game, craft strip, carving neckerchief slides, mb pamphlets, it's its, creamsicles, walk!!, announcements, "dis-missed!", climbing redwoods, 3 cheers, 3 chairs, pioneer village, hammocks, footlockers, points, laps, parade field, larry teshara-art sawada friendship grove, bob's bend, tree falling on dining hall, meals at quonset hut, staff village, movies, horse cemetary, chief's room, snail mail, chocodiles, i'm a little teapot, one fat hen a couple of ducks, row row row your boat, my name's quickdraw -if you's can beat me you's pretty good, "I'm JC Penny!", submarine, grand ol duke of york, my bonnie lies over the ocean, topnotcher inky dinky doo, a bump on a log on the bottom of the sea, competition night, gun boats, pearl harbor, roman plunge, zip lines, staff around fire after campfire, astronomy merit badge, blue cards, staff x-mas, pajama day, hat day, push the log away, staff awards/dinner, cub camp, group photo, two!...

list of merit badges i earned/ offered..
making prizes, awards, x-mas (in July) gifts; skits, songs, cheers, claps (e.g. the "watermelon clap"), rangers in trucks/atv's setting up/taking down canvas tents, (un)loading from quonset hut; R-O-Y-aneh, dear Royaneh; gita-rickshaw gita rockshaw..., reveille/taps; there's a monkey in the tree, throwing coconuts at me, make him stop (x4); "waiters", back-lighting of redwoods at end of ampitheatre campfires; hiking plan: drd pat (like dirt path): destination route dates and times permission granted activities along the way, transportation; knots: bowline, two half hitches, square knot, overhand knot, granny knot, clove hitch, timber hitch, sheet bend, fisherman's knot, wrapping and frapping, splicing; rifle target scoring, groupings; archery finger guards and wrist guards; orienteering, true north/magnetic north (somewhere in Canada); passing knives, sharpening axes and knives, paul bunyon, totin' chip, fireman chit, tinder/kindling/fuel; fire safety, campfire radius, woodcarving slides/relief, stump city, basketry chair, c.o.p.e. trust, teamwork, fear of heights; buoys, floats, tossing life preservers, teaching how to swim: kicking, face in water, blowing bubbles, floating: dead man's, backfloat; rubber brick, pants-inflation, running entry for rescue (head above water); sidestroke, elementary backstroke, american crawl, breaststroke; butterfly and dolphin kick; scissor kick and frog kick; holding breath (time, distance); handstands, yelling underwater; cope rope, pfd vests, oarlocks; second-story window, my ding-a-ling, left-handed smoke shifter, teepee joke, Jeff "Drowning" Downing, porcupine quill arts (Rick and Bruce), unicycle, buzzards, cicadas, "sounding hot", cutting down trees for lumber, cairn trail (well worn by end of camp season), green/black/gold cairn boot awards, cairn neckerchief slide, Cazadero gets the most rainfall in California, imagined height of east austin creek, 333 vs. 14 ultimate frisbee rivalry, Jason Pett leaps in goal for frisbee in corral, substitutions;  pointing out constellations for astronomy with a flashlight; OA ceremony, flaming arrows, fire in tree, olawat sakema standing up in middle of canoe, rear rudder, opposite shore,  drumming plastic garbage cans, roman plunge, Nature glen, creek running thru it, 2 trails down to canoe base, no fishing, bulldozer for dams, unique freshwater shrimp (endangered?), drinking sake, dilapidated bridge, railroad remnants, canoe base island, dock, ropes, splash-in; have fun in the sun!  googling the meaning of "royaneh", which tribe?, iroquois for "happy camp", meeting place of tribes, softball between 351 and 14; rodeo, competition night; musical tires, barrel run, quick change dresser, walking with cup on head, egg toss, chocolate pudding; basketball, NRA sharpshooter, making your own arrow, compound vs. recurve bows, fletchings, hunting tip on award; skulling rowboats, naming boats after GD songs, Super Bob, melted gummy bears, flashing traffic light, Tim's stereo (in tent), big knife, mockingbird, molly the mop, weather prediction, Rom; cairn map sheets, doing homework in chief's room, climbing redwoods, cleaning dining hall windows after "peppering".  turtles, skinks, alligator lizards, king snake, gopher snake, western diamondback rattler, scorpions, mosquitoes, brown recluse spider, raccoons, bees, yellow jackets, horses, time a trail ride disturbed a wasp nest, bloop bloop! Yar!  silver beaver.  fell off bunk bed;  chocodiles, it's it, creamsicle, peanut m and m game, trading post, firestarter kit, mb pamphlets, craft strip, woodcarving materials; Tom Teshara, life scout, went to CR; pushed into pool, prank on dad of being injured, Skinks (the band), playing frisbee tambourine, beach boys, endless summer, vanagon, vomiting, selling uniforms out back of van, Dean Kanelopolous shades/shack, damming creek (pond), frogs and toads at night, bucket o' tree frogs, shark fin on snorkeler!, greased watermelon, fish that nibble on your toes, shooting at customized targets, bb guns for cubs, .22 rifles, prone position, rifle competition, "rodeo" , greased pig, announcer dad in hawaiian shirts, olympian at rifle range, parachute-packer at cope, picking up brass casings, Bill Heinze making shotgun shells, chief's room, mail and old photos, phone, jerry brown story, water-striders, coin under trading post deck, black widow spiders, accidental killing of alligator lizards (in sun), searching for scorpions under rocks, capturing a gopher snake, critter of the day, western fence lizards, (stinky) garter snakes, Skink practice, bridge to staff village, hacky-sack circles, baseball game, whistle: buddies!!, buddy board, buddy tags, 1 to 10; using reach poles as sprayers, rubber caps, rubber brick, putting up lanes for swim testing, nonswimmer/beginner/swimmer, diving board, big splash, mile swim, polar bear, source of creek?, little and big egypt, outhouses, cobwebs; 351 reunion bus; cub buses; yellow ac/dc-playing vw bug, cremation of sam mcgee as memorized by Ed Lindquist, uncle zeke, zeke's g/f;  indians in camp! white wolf! earth flag, folding the american flag, pledge of allegiance, "good morning" (hug self, then open arms wide), running laps, inter-patrol point contest,  staff tired by end of sessions, everything up or down, camp on a hill; astronomy hill, capture the flag, gold brick award, up early for "mystery cairn", horse pucky, peach cobbler, bug juice, pumpkin pie, crab feed, gun boats, cereal variety, salad, apples, coffee, pancakes, popping cups, phasing out styrofoam, trays, pancakes, pink eggs, injured sleepwalker, shirts/hats/jackets at trading post, Jack Laws takes a sledgehammer to (now and laters?), family camp, borrowed GD tapes, slippery sash, OA eating raw eggs, brotherhood, royaneh lodge patch gift from dad,  cub scout earning mammals mb, getting stepped on by Greg St. John, Dan playing guitar, clean table, flip benches onto table, family style restaurant dinner, "can i have some - sugar" ;-), hotel california, shine flashlight up down right left at me before campfire, harvesting water from tarp over pit, new cairn on buffrey flat, old cairn removed (hangman's tree), wild turkeys, peacock, boars, yellow-bellied racer, Kodiak (dog), honor box, water fountain, coke machines, critter of the day, archery moving target, scoutcraft tower, shotgun range, clay pigeons, calculating maximum trajectory (for safety), shooting water balloons with surgical tubing, shooting handgun at archery range, deer trails, creeping on deer, ping-pong spitting act (Greg Adams and his bro), blackberries picking/pie, strange pile of sticks (den?) next to archery range, throwing fruit, visiting other troop's campsites/campfires, chapel at Pioneers, old church by canoe base, going to Cazadero for outdoor catholic mass, meal at campsite, peach cobbler (dutch oven), tied up in hammock, graffiti in cabin, big iron 1 and 4 below cabin 1.  horseshoe competition, Baden -powell country, mr. charlie erle fell, Steve got smudgepot wax on face, ye olde clarion, bidaily thunderbird,  dark room for photography mb, yellow bandanna, ferd, frivolity and merriment, slide show, Philmont patches, knots, campaign hats, red vests; LDS troops, inner-city troops, japanese visitors, (retarded?) troops.  quasi-military vs. no uniforms.  douglas firs, redwoods, white and black oaks, redwood sorrel, jerusalem cricket, sword fern, brachen fern, horsetail, cool redwoods wear sunglasses, 3 parking lots, uniforms: shorts, shirt, sash, patches, epaulets, socks, pins, neckerchiefs, honor scout (white);  Mr. Royaneh, (or Ms.), suntan mb, zinc oxide, pushing ping pong balls, swim meet, biggest splash, medical sheets, testing the water, pee turns red in pool!, pool house, scoutcraft tool shed, graffiti.  tents above pool.  bouncing off diving board.  visit with Sara.  choosing between 14, 333, and 343.   Staffer walking back from Guerneville all night?  (Gallagher's?) truck went into e.a. creek?  racing to mexico and back? Outdoor mass in guerneville, too.  grazing at safeway.  assayer (say, look at that ass).  no flashlight up from canoe base, elim grove, yelling at fire station, bats in chimney, redwood boreing beetle, number of campsites, number of cairns, burning bay leaves, new house for ranger, drinking, smoking, stacking milk crates, sliding down hill on cardboard, tomahawk throwing, obsidian chipping, bead necklace, black powder, cable car bell, food fight, git a rickshaw, 17!17! t, r, double o, p.  351.  we've got spirit yes we do, rattlesnake demonstration, good-morning!!, chastised/rebuked for saying "hell" (how the hell are you, was it?) robin praeger runs the cairns, losing hat on trail ride, fire siren and bell, mb sign-ups, sickness, rain, naked guy, bellboard messages, going off property (near rifle range, past falls, past astronomy hill), siesta after lunch...

turning styrofoam cups inside out, 'Cazadero' means 'hunting ground' (cazar is to hunt, cazador is a hunter), gun boats: eat it or wear it, other camps: Oljato, Wente.  Mather, Mountain Home Ranch.  Also, leadership camp.  343 staff meal; inviting staff to sit at your table; Glen O' Heavens; unpleasant first experience with pot;  "goodly tall trees,"  fig trees, bay laurel, black/white oak, sequioa sempervirens (redwood), douglas firs, poison oak, leaves of 3 let it be, borrowing Jack Kilmartin's camera, dad's joke archive/ getting sports news in morning;  audrey kell's "tote", Father Murphy, s.j.'s visit, egret or heron; behind dining hall: dumpster, laundry, bridge, loading dock; Splash-off, in and out of rowboats, suspended-canoe entrance, racks for paddles/oars/boats, 2 man canoe race, staff lounge, Cazanoma lodge, award night, troop 14 rah! (sewage!), who's on first, staff swim, rifle tickets, flags in dining hall, rattlesnake cage in nature glen, feeding with a mouse, don't tap the glass, feeding a fly to a spider, free swim, free boating, free shoot, shower before swim, learning to dive, dunking, noodle sword fight, snorkle/fins/goggles, opening/closing campfires, competition night, awards night, troop campfire night, hamburgers at amphitheater, Dave: chief chief chief!  Chris Dunakin, Brian Heinze.  Have I kept my honor bright? can i guiltless sleep tonight?  have i done and have i dared, everything to be prepared.  swear word compilation for Itsuo Tanaka.  cub camp tie dye.  belly-flop contest.  Jester Jones.  red vines rope.  sign out to leave camp.  Joe Ehrman's write up.  rosebuds and rose thorns.  Stan Altshuler's porn, fitness merit badge, Doug Kapovitch's hat.  dad's photo albums.  corn bread.  sausages and pancakes.  bacon and eggs.  leftover pumpkin pie.  plastic garbage can filled with punch.  fastest mile swim times.  list of cairns/campsites/merit badges and programs. shooting clay pigeons.  mystery cairn.  parachute over handicraft area.  soup-can tennis ball launcher! neckerchief slide collection, trip to sawmill, thistle, pass the lactic fluid of a female bovine, or the dihydrogen monoxide, or the "bug juice".  cook's cabin, oafm aafm, making my own bow and arrow, hunting/eating crawfish (crawdads), poor old blue!, i've got sixpence jolly jolly sixpence!, king of the cannibal islands!, when the dreary hours of winter pass away!, suffocation gentle suffocation...take a hose put it up your nose turn it on then you're gone, softly falls the night of day -as our campfire fades away, from the hills of tamalpais (?), a boom chicka boom (chicka rocka chicka boom!), Get On With It!!!
and so on y so forth! ...

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Reminiscing, Remembering

a few memories

I was born (Vancouver, i'm told) a bastard (out of wedlock) and given (forced?) for adoption.
Adopted, age 4, to Peggy and Larry Teshara (social worker, school administrator, resp.)
Mr. and Mrs. Fiji (foster parents), picked up in Ozzy (black 1930 Model A Ford with rumble seat)
Lived in SF, first 380 Monticello (near SF State), then 801 Darien (near St. Francis wood)
blowdart nail tube, polished rocks, goldfish pond, MG (typed up story)
baby brother (Gregory Lawrence) at age 8. born 12-3-79. “conception day” (9 months before)
Big Brother. Uncle Jesse. Jesse's girl. Uncle Tom. Mr. T.
Hennessy. Aunty Christ. Rose is a rose. Sister Christian. Rose's lime juice.
801 is where my dad (he, and my grandpa also, “Mr. T”) grew up (b/w Monterey and Ocean)
corner of manor and darien: “lord” of manor. “gulf of darien (g.o.d.)” (m.a.d.?)
Went to St. Stephen's grammar school, walked/biked to/from (near Stonestown)
recycled aluminum at Reynolds, distributed flyers, onion sacks, can-crusher in alley.
Fence windmills made nearby, lumberjack purchased, placed on fence.
Cub Pack 351 (founded? By grandpa T) (met at Commodore Sloat school) (still there?)
paper clip chains, halloween costume contest (robot), balsa car/rocket derby, scout-o-rama tickets
Troop 14 (CR rival to troop 351, founded by Dad)
night hike, snow/ski trip, trek, SRH, canoe trip, patrol outings (e.g. exploratorium), CR
1985 National Jamboree, patch collection
Made cars, boat (models); Steve Toloski's garage; nerf football; hide n seek; Aptos baseball;
Painted, built blue bmx bicycle (bicycle builder's bible), after yellow schwinn w/ banana seat
stickers, valve caps, purchased blue Oakley grips, rode track at lake merced golf course, big cranks
bicycle won from S-O-R tickets left in front of garage, stolen; sleeping bag, backpack, walkie talkies
bought unicycle at san jose flea market, brought to UCD, CR; sword missing, too.
Mike Nathan's band (drummer) (barracuda), SS class of '85. Irish Cultural Center reunion. Dance.
Led Zeppelin records from Heath White; record collection: given to Harv (Doug Biggert), Sacto:
Phil Collins, Miami Vice, Y&T (red snake art record), Scorpions, Def Leppard,
The Who, Kinks, Bob Segar, Rush, Genesis, Jethro Tull
painted (red, black) soap-box car, with rope steering; down Darien, birthday party toys, e.g. water rockets, homies, parachutists, corgi/matchbox/hotwheels, corvettes; lambo poster; framed boat pics in blue bedroom; dragon bat-shooter; choose your own adventure books; book with hero named 'jesse'.
private investigators, with Miwa Matsuno; misha and mai; basketball in garage, literotica (Anais)
king of the hill, dodgeball, foursquare, benefit run, halloween parade, fighting Crotty, Wong.
(bike) Jumping the dip at Aptos, St. Stephen's; wheelies with Mike Ruane, garage door secret,
Matt Fambrini and Brandon Sargent and Roland Dubai and ginger ale lady and Michael (motorcycle)
Andrini? Steve Toloski's friend (Steve?) Monica Madden. Christine Fuentes. Wyatt. Dirk. Edwards'.
Walgreens, black three on the tree Mercury comet, scratch, church/bar across street, vader-c interface.
Steve Hackney, Dunek, Heuser, Mazzola, Malakis, Pacelli, Pittenger

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Me Stuff

Identity, Attainments, and Current Reading list

Who Am I?

there's a lot of ways to answer this question:
my body, my mind, my name, roles I play, what I do
nature/nurture, my dna, experiences, dreams, relationships
virgo, boar, INTJ, single heterosexual
empty, no-self, impermanent
what I eat (plus meds, vitamins), less what I excrete
consciousness, subconscious, operative spells, beliefs
what I read, what i think/feel
a human being, a god, a man, an adult, an ex, a friend
roles: a blogger, a writer, a thinker, a reader, a philosopher
   a dogwalker, a schizo, an audiophile, nature-lover
  an uncle, a son, a brother, a nephew, a cousin, a roommate
  an American, a Berkeley resident, a democrat, pro-life
  poor, but not in debt; comfortable/content
  disabled, crazy, kaiser group member, pursuing health/sanity
  curious, intelligent, news/trivia nut, ymca member

Books I'm Reading (of late)
   none are from my list(s) (!)

Best Buddhist Writing 2004
Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, by Shunryu Suzuki
The Compass of Zen, by ("zen master") Seung Sahn
Don't Feed the Monkey Mind, by Jennifer Shannon, lmft
Authentic Happiness, by Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D.
Shrinks, by Jeffrey A. Lieberman MD
The Jesuit Guide to (almost) Everything, by James Martin sj
Geography of Madness, by Frank Bures
Death, by Casey Jarman
Boy, Snow, Bird by Helen Oyeyemi
Dave Barry Slept Here (a sort of history of the united states)
The Circle, by Dave Eggers
Straight Man, by Richard Russo
Yoga's Healing Power, by Ally Hamilton
The World's Religions, by Huston Smith
A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson
Attack of the Killer Facts, Eric Grzymkowski
The Best American Mystery Stories, 2016
Atlas
    I just bought one for 8.99, worth $80 new, from the goodwill
   (Oxford, 17th edition)

Attainments

4.0 high school/college preparatory; 1260 sat
Integrated Studies (ucd freshman honors program)
IR (int'l relations) degree, Spanish minor from UCDavis
BSA Eagle Scout
Cal alumni scholarship
Boston College Book Award
SI journalism award
NRA sharpshooter
Wagwalker
Uncle Jesse
top salesman 1980-81-82
blog

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Spells

(about spells)

spells about spells:
1. music (compacted emotion); each song is a spell
2. reality ("spells within spells")
3. a period of time ("for a spell")
4. spelling (orthography), because words cast spells
5. Gospel! the etymology is "God's spell."  did you know that?
6. letters (do they "let", like a vampire?)
     (i.e. 26 suckers/vampires, one for each letter of the alphabet)
     (true and original reality is, in fact, wordless)
7. whatever you get lost in!
      (e.g. books, magazines, tv shows, youtube/ted videos, movies)
8. the hypnosis of everyday life

you should be aware of which spells you're under, are operative
and which ones are competing for your soul!
(e.g. religious beliefs, memes, morality propositions/laws)

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Weird Names

in groups

French, Holland, Israel, India, Peggy T (egypt?)
Pon, Bishop, Castle, King
Koran, Shiva, Jesus
Duv, Kat
Fire, Sun, Starr, Starfire, Solinsky
Buffy, Tick, Red, Vicky
Brandy, Hennessy
tu, Four, (jean)nine
Mr. T, uncle Tom, aunty Christ, uncle Jesse
BGLAD, LGBT (Ben Greg Liz and Declan Teshara)

and
dag ridded evil, satan cross (David and Stan A)
(anagrams for names of california deputy attorneys general)
(i know a Devan Cross, too)

Medications

what you should know

1)how many are you taking (e.g. I'm taking 2)
2)what are they called? (e.g. zyprexa, risperdal)
     (also called olanzapine and risperidone)
     (why do drugs have 2 names?)
3)what are they for? (what do they treat?)
     (e.g. zyprexa is an antipsychotic)
     (risperidone is for anxiety, I believe)
4)dosage (e.g. 30 mg zyprexa; 2x15mg tablets)
                       (1mg risperidone; 1/2 tablet)
5)frequency (e.g. nightly)

those are the main things

but also,
6)side-effects
7)interaction-effects
  (e.g. alcohol "de-potentiates" my medications;
                       i.e. reduces the effectiveness of)
   (i'm told not to drink/take grapefruit juice, either)

and finally,
the last consideration,
people and circumstances change,
so you shouldn't be wedded to a (set of) prescription(s):
   (adjustments are sometimes necessary/better/helpful)

some people can self-medicate
but doctors are supposed to know their shit

Saturday, May 20, 2017

crypto-christianity

Jesus Christ!

Hey Zeus, Jesu it (Jess, you? it),
jesse teshara: see sj, as earth: am earth? mirth!
(Chuy=chewy, like eucharist (eu a christ),
Isai, I Isa (annointed with oil/chrism) (anybody can be christ)
    just like anybody can be a buddha?
    geezus (also 2, like gawd is also 8)
Jesse, Je suis, JC.  I am.  who? am.   JZ.  jazzy.  juicy, lol

Christmas on 25th (Jesus =2, Christ =5)
    1,5,1,3,1
    3,8,9,9,1,2
(numerology, sum the sums, summertime!)
BE! (2, 5)
jesse means "god makes forget"
and
"the whole office of the eucharist"
(t.w.o. of it)
numbers: numb, brr (cold: see old)(the holy see?)
    fat her (f at her, pregnant), sun, and hole spear it...

paint (evokes crucifixion, pain T, t is a cross)
pain is Pa in (get out dad, G.o.d.?)
manicure, i cure man
  (paint your fingernails, fin (the end) gr (anger) nails (!)
the crux of the issue (issue, god coming, get nailed, passion)
you would be cross, too, if you were nailed to a tree
"crossing over", cross the street (st =saint)
couch, like paint: c-ouch (either christ ouch, or (c)3 nails)
rabbit, rabbi T.   are abbot.  rabbi abbot.  the rabbit hole.
how deep? honda! (spanish for deep) (han, duh.  chinese, of course)
sit! (speaking in tongues)
tissue (t-issue), trip (t-rip; cross rest in peace)

afterlife (=dead)
undead(=alive)
vampire, ima perv. blood=be lewd.  drink= dr ink
mr, dr, vr =49 (jesse teshara= 1,5,11,5 (jesse=4). 2,5,1,8,1,9,1 (teshara=9)
the count (peerage, baseball, math, counter)

hurt (her T)
window pane (wind ow pain) (god moved over face of deep)
allow (all ow); god allows all to ow
pillow (pill ow) (e.g. inauthenticity?)
bow wow; how now brown cow; cat's meow
suffer (sough fur)
   sough=sound made by wind in trees (e.g. fir tree)

U be trippin'
sanity has saint in it
trip= T (cross) + RIP (rest in peace)
church= ch (clear head) you are (clean heart)
heaven=ave hen (like ave maria)
   (dirt bath, really enjoying getting down to, embracing the, earth)
hell= propane fire (for pain?)

Saturday, May 13, 2017

some theology


 On God, by God

The concept of God is useful, even if the reality of God is imaginary. A being that has lived always, exists everywhere, can do anything, knows everything/everyone, created the universe, and is perfectly good may seem a bit improbable (!). The concept exists, and thus God is a virtual reality, like vampires or unicorns or hobbits or vogons or elves or gnomes or pixies or fairies or anything else you might encounter in a book, movie, dream, campfire skit, play, song, or tv show. Some people, I imagine, actually believe in these things. A vampire (read: psychotic criminal) on drugs might dream of machine-elves... Humans are creative, and life would be boring without fiction. But does God exist, really and truly? God's name is I AM, so that doesn't help. If we become our names, then maybe so too does God become existent, in a weird way. We must ask what's in a name. If God's name was I Ain't, would He still exist? A rose is a rose by any other name! One can't help but perform some mental gymnastics to make God real, to reify the concept. If we define God as the source of all goodness, then we are impelled to believe, or else live in a world without goodness. A world without love is indeed a world lacking a source of happiness, and the bible says God is love (cite). What it is: what is is. If God is love, is love God? Is is an equals, or an arrow flowing in only one direction? You grok? And then, the question follows, can one be in true love with an atheist? Of course! The God of philosophers and theologians sometimes masquerades as the emotional state of love-bliss, just as heaven is experienced as mere happiness, and a soul is in fact a body. And finally, to quote Adi Da Samraj, “Reality is all the God there ever is.” Virtual reality is a part of reality, just like fiction is a real genre at your local library, and dreams can seem more real than the mundane experience of life. Is life but a dream (merrily), and if so, who is doing the dreaming? God is a word, a term, a concept, a part of hypnotic happiness psychology, as well as a way to endow your opinions with greater authority, a way to inculcate values in youth (and society in general), and a part of creating (an adaptive) community with shared (professed) beliefs. Furthermore, God only exists if we make him real; we, ourselves, our bodies, are our only reality, so to make God we have to become Him. It's a role, a part, an identity, a path to the possibility of perfection. For me, that's why God both exists and doesn't, simultaneously. So don't ask me if I believe in God! I don't, but I do: I believe in myself. And I believe existence is good. Also, the bible states God is One. Money is an anagram for 'my one.' God wants us to be happy, and “whoever says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop!”

path to perfection is longer for some:
And sure as hell, there is virtue in suffering, as well, for unrepentant (self-identified) demons whose karma requires a long hard road out of hell, as punishment and disincentive to committing further evil. Of course, the punishment should fit the crime, and be proportional to the degree of the misdeed's depravity.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Retirement Activity Ideas

for you, Dad
(with 10 links)

lawn bowling (stern grove), ride buses, trivia cards, tv, books (library book club?), fishing, music, movies, other religion services, travel, restaurants, volunteer (riordan?), flea market, thrift stores, some kind of hobby, get crafty, be a student yerself (adult school?), festivals/fairs/parades, museums, magic shows, do magic yourself, card games, comedy, baseball games, circus, zoo, blog!, cook, exercise.

Elaboration
music: library cd's, itunes radio, actual am/fm radio, pandora, tv?, youtube.  also, podcasts, joe frank (website), talk shows (e.g. philosophy talk, npr (npr.org),  (i use cordless headphones, which can also be used for tv, or roommate respect)

read: (library/book store), (big print), short stories? book club (library, church), kids books! (newbery winners?), favorite authors, librarian recommended, favorite topic(s)/genre, magazines, newspaper(s), joke books!, humor websites (onion, comedy central joke archive, reader's digest joke website)

video: movie theater, netflix (on tv), youtube videos, ted talks (ted.com)
(e.g. laurel and hardy, marx brothers, monty python, etc.)

play: big bubbles, fly a kite, model train museum, playground/beach, gg park, pedal boat

comedy: pandora comedy channel, go to standup club, live?  

wikipedia has a list of bay area museums, link
(there are 52 in SF alone)

weird stuff: taiko drums, wrestling, monster trucks, demolition derby, sumo wrestling, video store, pier 39, cribbage, solitaire, videogames, online classes (e.g. -free!- open yale courseware), sports: dogfish (bay area pro ultimate frisbee team), san jose sharks.

walk, exercise bicycle, meditation instruction, Dan's plays, horseshoes, tai chi, pool exercise class, origami, birdwatch, join (or start up) a meetup group (meetup.com), stretch/ yoga, e-bay.

Go Slow! (motto of Caye Caulker, Belize)
do nothing :-)
park bench, people watch, relaxed conversation 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Marcel the Monkey


Once upon a time, there was a monkey named Marcel. Marcel the monkey enjoyed bananas, swinging from tree branches in the forest, and whooping and hollering as loud as he could. He hated all the other monkeys, you see, and wanted to be a gorilla instead. But he was a monkey, and no amount of screaming would transform him into anything else. So he hated himself. A mere monkey!

Then a monk came along, and told him to key to being a monk was thinking of yourself as a monkey. And this was the weirdest thing Marcel had ever heard! A human monk thought of himself as a lower life form? an animal? A chimp? A monkey, no less? Why would he stop there? Maybe he should be an ant! A fly! Or a protozoan! So Marcel threw a banana at him. But the monk was happy, and was not bothered. He cultivated equanimity during meditation just for times like these. He enjoyed being a monkey. And monkeys are known to throw worse things than bananas!

Then Hanuman, the Hindu monkey God, heard about all this, in his heavenly realm, and decided to have some fun with these two. Real monkeys like to play! And as a God, he toyed with people, you see. So he hatched a plan to make Marcel appear glorious and godly to the monk, so he would be worshipped and praised and elevated to the status of a deity, like Hanuman. Then Hanuman could pretend to be Marcel, with riotous results! A switcheroo. Ha ha.

It was late at night, and Marcel and the monk were telling stories at the campfire, roasting marshmallows, of course. A talking monkey, you say? Well, of course. I'm writing this story, and that makes me a God of sorts. I can do that. I can make Gods into monkeys, monkeys into gorillas, and monks into hot dogs! (make me one with everything!) Anyway, as I was saying, they were seated around the crackling fire, watching the sparks rise into the heavens, and feeling groggy at the end of the day, as bedtime neared, enjoying their toasted goo, and pondering each others' clever words. Their eyes got heavy, and they nodded off, into a restful slumber, unbothered by anyone, be it monk, monkey, gorilla, or god. They fell into a state of deep relaxation, dreaming of a magical colorful land completely unlike anything in their earthly experience, full of castles and giants and strange creatures, like apemen and monkeydogs and spidermonkeys and horsefish. Morpheus, the God of dreams (and a friend of Hanuman) conjured up this shared realm, to blur the boundaries between man and beast, and make life more fun for everybody, in the process. A God of light should be a god of enlightenment, too, don't you think? Everybody was everything, in this world, and it was crowded, but it didn't feel full. Whales and krill were equals, here, as were Gods and men, or even Pedro the protozoa with Morpheus Himself! But morning approached, and all good things must come to an end. Back to life, back to reality, back to the forest, where the two awoke to a stranger sleeping nearby, who eventually introduced himself as Hank (who you might have guessed was in fact Hanuman), a forest ranger who chastised them for not being safer with their fire, and doing more to prevent forest fires (Hank was a bear of a man!). But no harm, no foul, as the fire had cooled to ashes, and all the forest creatures sang their praises for another delightful night in the company of the Gods.

So the monkey (Marcel), the monk (who had no name), and the monkey God H (Hanuman, who was undercover in the form of Hank), decided to go fishing for gar in the nearby creek. I see a gar! Said Garcia (which is what the monk decided to call himself). So the three ate. Which kind of made them eleven! (to the elves, anyway, who were not the best mathematicians). And the gar were gar-rrrr-ate! If you have never eaten gar with hot sauce (and monks never leave home without hot sauce), you really haven't lived, they all agreed. They became fast friends. “Marcel, why don't you like your fellow monkeys?” inquired Hank (who already knew the answer) “they seem like nice fellows to me!” Well, they stink, and they throw poo, and they eat bugs, and they never pick up their banana skins, and they're ugly, and not nearly as strong and good-looking as gorillas. Did I mention they throw poo? They throw poo!

You have a monkey-mind, my friend, said Hank, and you should not dwell on the less pleasing aspects of your kind. Monkeys are strong and beautiful in their own way, especially to other monkeys, so it is disturbing and strange that you yourself do not admire those who look most like you! What would you do if you were the God of monkeys, and could shape-shift at will into any form you choose?
You mean like Hanuman? He's a jerk! I asked him to make me into a Gorilla, I asked him nicely, and he didn't do ANYthing. Not one thing! I could be king of this jungle, but instead I'm just a stupid monkey!
Well, I'm sure Gods have their own rules, and changing species seems unnatural, if you ask me, replied H. Some things are better than being a gorilla, though, no?
If I may interject, said the monk... You, Marcel are a unique and amazing talking monkey, and your fur shines like the sun, your eyes sparkle like a brook, and your face appears to me as more glorious even than that of the finest maidens in my village, who I swear are in fact quite comely. I did not notice your true nature until just today, and I am awestruck by your exceedingly wise, bright, and -I must say- superior nature. I would even say you are like as to a God! (Hanuman had cast his spell, you see, on the monk).
I don't want to be a God! I want to be a gorilla! I want to be king of the jungle!!

Poof! Marcel turned into a lion, then ate the monk, just like that, at which all the birds erupted in beautiful song. Hank turned himself into a gorilla, and climbed onto a tree above this menacing lion. Will you eat me, too? I am strong, handsome, and some monkeys think I am the true king of the jungle! The lion, being a cat, was now wily, and decided gorillas might be tasty, he had never eaten one, so he yawned, made like he was going to nap, then sprang on the gorilla unawares a few minutes later, as his guard was down, and found this God's flesh to be truly delectable, unlike as to anything he had ever eaten before, something all lions would be blessed to enjoy throughout eternity, as a worthy sacrifice to the truly royal, regal, kingly, and kind Lion, king of the Beasts, lord of life, love, and all.

Note: I got tired, and created this ending to expedite an early finish. You are free to create alternate endings!

Life

a cereal? a magazine? a 100 years?

Life is Good

Life is good, except when it's bad
unless it's All Good
which is really just a way of saying life is good
instead of a philosophical judgement on Reality-
It's always now
so make now good
here and now, you and me, reader and writer
me, time-travelling into the future, your present
a gift! My words, some of my time, my thought-
readable in less time than it took to write
efficient wisdom transference (transferral?)
unless you knew all this, already
which I suppose is likely
oh well

Life Sucks

Life is pain and hardship and suffering and woe
agony and torment and misery and anguish and despair
and loss. Cruelty and wickedness! Deceit and depravity.
Corruption, rottenness, sadness, depression, oppression
slavery, incarceration, punishment, savagery, terror, anxiety
fear, worry, stress, boredom, ignorance, stupidity-
the mean is mean
the average is enraged
the normal is not moral
and fictional monster Hannibal Lecter, larger than life,
feels really real
And being a buddhist, enlightenment often feels far off
But never fear! Nirvana is here! (hear?)
a mosquito, my libido
the blood is the life?
Music and vampires and movies make evil palpable
in an otherwise boring daily routine
until it all blows up, explodes
like MOAB, or Hiroshima, or the sun, someday.

Time
tick talk, tic tock
thyme keeps on flavoring, flavoring, flavoring, into the future
ha!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Happiness, Revisited

yet again

Happiness
not depressed, sad, mourning
not anxious, worried, stressed
not sick, ill, diseased
not in a rut: variety, excitement
in love, loved, loving; friendships
relationships: equality, acceptance, respect, kindness, compassion
mercy, forgiveness, new beginnings
equanimity, discernment, awareness
peace, freedom, liberty, liberation
alive, awake, aware
strong, healthy, fit, sane, well
joyful, bliss, of good cheer
humor, frivolity, merriment
wine, women, and song
sex, drugs, and rock n roll
smiling, laughing, playing
singing, dancing, playing (music, an instrument)
music (listening): cd's/itunes/pandora/youtube/radio/records
satisfied, content, safe/secure
fun, games, winning
sports, comedy, concerts
drama/movies/tv
exercise, look good/feel good, endorphins
compliments, positivity, appreciation/gratitude
stimulus, naps, meditation
chill out/ veg/ do nothing
food: delicious, nutritious, and fun to eat
go to bed tired, awake refreshed
standup (live/tv/radio), skits (campfires/snl/comedy movie genre), joke (books/websites/friends)
rich, beautiful, successful
travel, restaurants, conversation / new languages
roller coasters, water skiing, skydiving
surfing, mountain climbing, swimming/suntanning
yoga, bicycling, weight lifting / bodybuilding
fly a kite, lawn bowling, big bubbles
billiards, bowling, horseshoes
reading: books, papers, magazines, websites/blogs
museums, libraries, zoos/dog parks
spirituality, community, religion
hiking, camping, birdwatching / horseback riding
creativity, art, ballet, writing, video
invent something, start a business
acting, be someone new, play a role
candy, costumes, gifts, surprise, parties, celebration

The Opposites Of:

loneliness, isolation, alienation
addiction, alcoholism, compulsion, obesity
suffering, torment, agony, pain, hell, misery
war, torture, death, sickness, anguish
adversity, discontent, poverty, disrespect
famine, drought, hunger, thirst, malnutrition, starvation
criminality, vice, sin, wickedness, evil, depravity, abortion
insanity, neurosis, depression, suicide, meaninglessness
cynical, pessimistic, negative; stress, anxiety, worry, fear, terror
ignorance, stupidity, incuriosity, delusion
arrogance, sloth, deceit, animosity, disgust, greed, corruption
slavery, incarceration, hopelessness/despair, giving up
nightmares, horror, ugliness, cruelty, brutality, rape, murder
hostility, spite, malice, malevolence, anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury
revenge, abuse, violence, killing, homicide, assassination, execution

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Perfection

Perfection process (exactly the way you are?)

perfect information. (speed reading, book+/day) (internet, libraries)
Perfect body: ideal fitness routine/variety.
Perfect mind: sanity, understanding of psychology
Self-defense mastery (aikido).
Enough money for lifetime of food/shelter/healthcare (no worries)
happiness: for no reason whatsoever, Go Slow.
     Enough sleep, meditation, blogging, naps, and music
     fun, play, laughter, joy, bliss
     relationships: (not hellish) actually pleasant, satisfying.
          friendships, love

Variety!:
travel, restaurants, people, activities, employment, exercise, books

ever-improving, meliorism, progress, betterment, growing wealth
swim, yoga, walking, bicycling, lifting, improving health
nature, hiking, camping; refresh the spirit

-------
always a work-in-progress, in process
            (seeking improvement, closer to -unattainable?- perfection)
God is the only perfect being, by definition.
So maybe I'll get there, making Self = God. 
perfection, like happiness, could be all in your head.
(earned, from life experience; not a (dangerous!) H high short-cut)
making both (self, world) a better place

----
my voice keeps saying "fucking ow" (ad nauseum)
which makes me wonder about the synchronicity of torture with my own life-

but could be 10 (other) things: (literally, sex+pain):
1.misfit (too big, too small), 2.abortion, 3.rape, 4.childbirth, 5.anal sex
and more, i just thought of (writing helps!): 
6.sti/std/vd, 7. broken heart / cheating 8. death of a loved one
9."fuck-king of the world" or 10. fucking out of this world!
also, 11. (sex+pain: Spain)

some related deconstructions-
pain (pa in), own (ow n), world (ow are lethal dose), or (war lethal dose)
owl, hour, down, pow, row, bow, crow, dow, mow, how, who, cow, low, now, sow, tow, vow
bowel, cowl, dowel, foul, howl, jowl, powell, towel,
out, rout, bout, flout, pout, stout, spout
(pane, propane, panel)(hurt -her T)
mao
and so on and so forth, etc., you get the idea!

devil is to lived as dealer ow is to world