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I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 900 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

The Panetics of Dukkha

Ugh: negativity, revisited
oh, bother

lack, privation, want, need, destitution, poverty (abject, dire, squalid)
homelessness, hunger, starvation, malnutrition, famine, dehydration
inequality, unmet basic need, bitterness, hardship, difficulty
sickness, illness, disease, affliction, unhealthy, unwell, harm
mentally ill, mad, crazy, insane, psychotic, of unsound mind, nuts, loco
hearing voices, possessed, disturbed, schizophrenic/telepathic, lies
misery, hopelessness, despair, unhappy, discontented, wretched
ire, resentment, enmity, anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury, spite, malice
anguish, sadness, depression, sorrow, regret, grief
pain, suffering, torment, torture, agony, hurt
anxiety, stress, worry, upset, dis-ease, unease, uneasiness
impermanence, emptiness, insubstantiality
dissatisfaction, unsatisfactoriness, flaw, imperfection
vex, irritate, annoy, bother, impatience, rankle, aggravate, gravel
fear, fright, terror, horror, sadism, schadenfreude
frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense, meaninglessness
disaster, tragedy, misfortune, calamity, catastrophe, cataclysm
anomie, angst, incarceration, jail, imprisonment, slavery
evil, psychopathic, sociopathic, depraved, diabolical, monster
cruel, unkind, vicious, mean, hurtful, ruthless, inhumane, inhuman
sinful, wicked, criminal, immoral, unethical, corrupt
scum, garbage, trash, vermin, refuse
inferior, subhuman, disgusting, foul
hell, murder, war, injury, destruction, death
atrocity, genocide, holocaust, apocalypse, armageddon, extinction
satan mephistopheles lucifer beelzebub antichrist devil (sml bad)
crime, punishment, justice, karma, capital punishment, oblivion
powerless, victim, vengeance, revenge, merciless, cold
stink, stench, rot, reek, fetor, mephitis
act of God

D is for dukkha
difficulty, distress, dire need, destitution, discomfort, discontent, dis-ease, disease, dehydration, disaster, disgust, disgusting, disappointment, dissatisfaction, depression, disrespect, diabolical, dark, depravity, despair, disturbed, devil, demon, death, decay, decomposition, destruction, damnation.

what is dukkha?  wikipedia link

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Today's Thoughts

Associations and Stream of Consciousness:

Pairs, dyads, couples
Coffee and pastry, luggage and sweater, mom and dad, astros and giants, win and loss, greg and liz, erin and dan, benjamin and augustus (and march baby!), sara and pierre, poutine and marcel, julie and sam, miette and r.crumb, harry potter and riddle/voldemort, fido and taco, pastor taco and quarter pounder with cheese, vegetarian and carnivore, sister and brother, lay and religious, lottery and okcupid, god or devil, rain or shine, compare and contrast, simile and metaphor, opposites and thesis, antithesis, synthesis. Process and dynamic. Synonyms and antonyms. Diction, details, sentence structure. Connotation and denotation. Poetry and prose. Affirm or deny. Just say no. drugs and food. Fasting and slow. Haste and Rush. Breakfast and breaking fast. Morning and mourning. Eat and great, 8 and ate. Foo fighters and food. Die and diet. T and cross. Awake, alive, aware. Arising. “tomorrow is, a new day” -movie x (casablanca?) white house. President and big cheese. Tu and 2. Jesus and president. Two and “the whole office”. Eucharist and you a christ. Body and blood. Bread and wine. Wine or grape juice. Vampire and cannibal. Eat and drink. Hunger and thirst. Need and want. Motivated, dedicated (ooh rah!) get some, be all you can be. Fun and funeral. Laugh and ugh. Ugg boots and Eve and Adams. Original sin and Adia (“we are born innocent”). Gnosis and no sis. Sent and scent. Makes sense. Dime and 49, me (Jesse L Teshara vs. Jesse Teshara (other). JT Snow and Gregor Blanco. So on and so forth, this and that, here and there, hither and yon, to and fro, there and back, back and forth, up and down, forward and backward, front and center, love and rockets, guns and roses, hip hop, rhythm and blues, american telephone and telegraph(!), mci mad crazy insane, happy go lucky, love-bliss and lbj. Agent J (will smith), wwjd. Right! Write rite. Rich-ual. Beet and beat. Beetles and beatles. My one and money. Funny money. Anagrams, candygrams. Acronyms, homonyms. Homeowners, homo sapiens. Chuy, Jesus, Isai. So many names. Take your pic. What's in a name. Moniker, tag, screen name, label. Tidal wave, tsunami. Surf and serfs. Slavery and bdsm. Wage-slaves. Walmart and Walgreens, law and wal. Devil and lived. God and dog. Love and evolution. Stream of consciousness, babbling brook, flow and flowers and flour power, muse and music. Sound mind, sound body, sound of silence, simon and garfunkel, sos, noise annoys. SI lent. St. Ignatius (liturgical seasonings) Catholic garlic. Gar is a fish. Alcoholic and catholic. Associations and ass/so/cia/shuns.
Thoughts and thaw. Mind and mined and mine. Words and letters, war and blood”lett”ing. Mail and male. Phrases and sentences and periods. jail and prison. JLT and jail-time. PRI and Vicente Fox. Mexico and Mejico. “underbelly” . Spic and span. Hispanic and spanish. McLean and cleaning ladies. Los Angeles and the the angels. Fox and 666. numerology and coding. Binary, 0 and 1. on and off. 2 and 666. jesus and beast. Virginia and Maryland.

Courteney cox and The World on Time, pussy cat, richard, cocaine (koch, coke is it), Canada US Mexico, Texas, 6. sects. sax(ophone) blue jays (bj), cops (copulations), Gina. Ballgame. JSM.

Murano (mucus and urine), Shattuck, Winnie the Pooh, krusteaz (crusty), shampoo
shit, shiite, “sacred heart institute of technology”, william shatner, poop deck, message,

synonyms/word sets:
piss, urine, pee, pp, #1, make water, micturate, whiz (wizard, wis-dom/dumb)
(you're in, pissed off, toy let, porcelein throne)
bathroom, restroom, lavatory; urinate, defecate, flatulence, expectorate
shit, crap, dung, poop, pooh, number 2, defecation, excrement, feces
sick, ill, diseased, unwell, unhealthy, afflicted, having a condition
heal, ameliorate, convalesce, improve, get better, get well, remission
diarrhea, vomit, phlegm, mucus, pus, catarrh, coughin'/coffin
bodily fluids: blood, sweat, tears, spit, urine, cum
trash, refuse, garbage, junk, rubbish, basura
respiration, perspiration, inspiration, expiration, suppuration, aspiration

colander, sieve, strainer, (sifter?) plate (in your head, tectonics).
Chew, masticate. Ingest, swallow. Breathe, inhale, exhale, respiration
power strip, surge protecter, power cord
carpet, rug. Couch, sofa. Seat, chair. Picture, photograph, image.

pp, s.a., mt, nme, dk (urine, essay, empty, enemy, decay)

pick it up (baseball, concept), pickup truck
on the road (again), underground, in traffic, congestion, in the road, Rhode scholars.
Crack, groovy, side (wok). Guardin' your garden. (a thieves) fences. (bill) Gates.
Tree (Theresa, comedian, etc.), Lief (erikson) bole (bowl), trunk (elephant, luggage), branch (bank)
twiggy, stem (science technology engineering math) (space time energy matter) Robert (Plant).
Water: wah! To Emergency Room. Sun and Son. Bright and brilliant. Smart and light-hearted.
toe (theory of everything), “stub”

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Republican Debate

the pelican bait fiasco

I don't subscribe to cable tv, so I can't watch the debate at home (or online, apparently, either).

I went to the local bar, but the Giants game is on, and the manager wouldn't put on the debate.
Not that they don't have at least 3 tv's.
and, (here's the ridiculous part):
the waitress thought I asked to watch "The Pelican Debate" (because she's an idiot)

So forget putting the "pub" in re-pub-lican!  I would have bought a beer.  oh, well.
The only one I like is Ben Carson, because he's vegetarian.

...Bill Clinton is apparently vegan these days, too (after his heart surgery),
(and I read Al Gore is, as well)
Is Jon Stewart gonna run?!
walk, maybe.  ha.

I'd like to see Bernie Sanders beat Trump.  that would be amazing.
BS over BS.

Sunday, August 2, 2015


by the numbers

The 6 Waltons on the Forbes 400 List (heirs to Sam & Bud),
Alice, Jim, Rob, Christy (widow of late son, John), Nancy Walton Laurie, and Anne W Kroenke-

have, between them,
more money than 42% of American families (combined!).
that's more than Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, combined, too.
as of 3/5/2014, their amassed fortune was $148.8 billion dollars.

they earn, from dividends alone, twenty-five thousand dollars a minute.  $25,000/minute! That's $1.5 million/hour.
the average income for Walmart workers is $8.81/hour
wow *

There are 11,000+ stores, in 28 countries, under 65 banners.
1/3 of the U.S. population visits their stores every week.
they are the largest overall employer in the U.S., and the biggest in 25 states.  Revenue (in 2009) was $405 Billion dollars.

founded on 7/2/1962
incorporated on 10/31/1969

they give 1 billion dollars to charity every year.

*aside, disclaimer: all info off the internet, data may be wrong or have changed.  still, this is pretty damned insane, don't you think?  $415 every second!!

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Sick and Tired

Tired, Gr

I am tired, so very very tired. It's not easy being God. Everyone is so stupid, annoying, mean, ugly, rude, selfish, cruel. There is not one single presidential candidate I fully support.  And it seems friends are few, sometimes.  And I am not in love with anyone.  But I still love myself. My one true love, me, keeps me going, ever forward, in this retarded world of ignorance, foolishness, and idiocy. I appreciate almost no one else. It's me and my music, my books, and this, my blog. I engage in mental masturbation, and keep myself entertained, busy, occupied. I have an entire library to read, endless music to enjoy, and some money saved up. And I have a voice in my head, a stupid n- vampire who just wants to drain every lost drop of fun from my miserable life. Fuck you, David.

My goal is to become even more Godly; as Godly, in fact, as I can possibly be. I want to fulfill my potential. I want to have a body builder's body, a speed-reader's brain, an encyclopedic memory, and vast stores of knowledge, with which I can regale, teach, amuse, and entertain anyone I should happen to cross paths with. I want to be all I can be. I want to be superhuman. I want to love myself, and maybe love someone else, if I ever get lucky enough to meet a woman who loves me as much as I do. I want to be content, happy, rich, comfortable, amused. Mentally and physically healthy.  Not a tortured or demented soul. I want to be remembered for making a better world, for being in service, for setting an example.

And I want to be good. I'm sick of all this murderous hatred, instigated by the piece of shit n-f- who I have evicted from my head, yet who persists in remaining encamped within, violating my privacy, purposely provoking me to anger and a semi-constant state of irritation, with the voice, not to mention the head-shocks, the chest pains, the teeth-taps, forcing me to a furious state of malice, and lust for a just karmic revenge on this complete asshole. I am sick and tired of it. I have had enough. I want to enjoy life, enjoy being in my own body, and be at peace. But David is the devil (although he's quieted down a bit, lately, and even apologized, whatever that's worth). What can I do? What should I do? He FORCES me to act other than how I would like. I am not a racist or a homophobe. I'm simply sick of him, and I use this language in my head to indicate my disgust. I crave freedom, freedom to be myself, and freedom from psychic intrusion. I am a kind person.

Buddhist teaching instructs me to eschew greed, hatred, and delusion. Greed is attachment, both positive and negative, craving and aversion, like and dislike, love and hate, desire and disgust. I can be at peace, helped by meditation, by simply accepting reality, being “one” with everything, including DAE (that is: David Andrew Eldridge), I guess. But I still have my preferences. If I can't change the world, then I better change myself. But I'm crazy enough to think my radical obstinacy could be effective, worthwhile, helpful – despite the pain. I am a psychic warrior. And I am not the only one. But the goal is paradise, loving life, while alive, which is an achievable and reasonable objective. This clashing of wills is draining, aggravating, often insufferable and intolerable, and I'm basically at the point where I'm thinking 'fuck it, whatever, I give up.' Really, sometimes I think I should just show up at his door with a shotgun - but that's never been me: I suffer in silence, endure; think, write, and hope and pray for peace and comfort and happiness. And of course there's always the hope for an afterlife in heaven, which unfortunately doesn't provide any comfort to me, aside from the presumed absence of suffering inherent in death's eternal Oblivion of non-being. I just don't believe in that ELF shit. No one lives forever. In fact, everything is impermanent: not even a diamond is forever.

And that's where it stands. Everyone dies, and everybody does what they can to fight for what they believe in, getting great pleasure in the suffering of their enemies and antagonists. The alternative is the calm of acceptance, subscribing to the reality of the phrase “all right.” But worshipping the devil is the “left hand path”, which is presumably “all left”, in which everything is WRONG, so murder is acceptable, or just as wrong as anything else, so the only rule is to not get caught (unless you want to!).
As tempting as that may be, that's no way to live, in my book: I'll continue muddling along, with neither everything “all right,” or the horribly depressing opposite philosophy, it's “all wrong.” However:

God is a man of war, vengeance is mine sayeth the lord, there is a time to kill, there is no one who does not sin, the price of sin is death. THOU shalt not kill, but I AM is God (and there are certainly acts of God that wipe out masses of people), and “only God is good.” So be God, be good, and get crackin at whatever makes you happy, before you inevitably die, hopefully without any regrets, having made your own heaven, while alive! And happiness truly is a warm gun (beatles). And I hate everyone, maybe/it seems, so fuck you world, eat my shit, burn in hell, die in hell, rot in hell. Crush the entire world like they were all cockroaches (beetles). Apocalypse now, motherfuckers. Gr.

Dying in hell is torture, of course. But some of you assholes deserve it. The trick is not to deserve it, yourself. So if you must, kill the evil, to make it good. Or kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out (because they all have it coming). There's really no difference. But some people are more evil than others, and deserve it more. And sin is defined by you, God. I am not for evil. I am not a/the devil. Many are better off dead. Many would be better off dead. And society would be better off with many others dead. The devil is in fact God's servant, a part of God, in fact, so you are free to identify with whatever pole of morality, whatever lord of lies, you wish. Because both God and Satan don't exist, like Santa. It's ALL evil. So fuck it, do what thou wilt. Unless it's all good, which only happens if you're in love.

(But maybe killing and love aren't incompatible, anyway. You can love a person, and kill others. I think an awful lot of us are programmed that way). Or maybe it's all good: murder, death, oblivion, incarceration, torture, anything. No, I don't think so. We need a kinder, gentler nation. Oblivion is comparatively heavenly, in relation to torture...but that doesn't make t good. Although, Christianity thinks the crucifixion was a good thing, right? I guess Jesus had it coming. God is love, so if you're in love, you're in God, even if you're an atheist.

So love me, and prevent a holocaust! (not.  but it can be satisfying to think so).  I love me, and so should you. I really am great, believe me! I say I hate everyone, but that's not strictly true, because I love ME. If I ever start hating myself, I could be both homicidal and suicidal, like all those other assholes you read about in the paper every day, exploding themselves for Allah. I sure hope that never happens. Of course, you could love me for offing myself without any collateral damage. But I don't believe suicide is ever the answer. After all, there's always ecstasy, heroin, lsd, 'shrooms, and crack! Or maybe just sex would be sufficient.

Anyway, I may be wrong about hating everybody (I really don't get out all that often). Like soldiers, they seem pretty cool. Devil-dog leathernecks feel the need to “get some”. It's like a legal gang. But I approve only if they don't give a damn, lol. Damnation, literally, is a damned nation. And a nation is a greater family. America rules, America sucks, it's the whole ball of wax. You gotta keep fighting, even when you get back from the front. The front is everywhere. Don't think for an instant that the commander-in-chief wouldn't love to kill many, many Americans. You don't have to submit all your life. Be your own God, and kill your own enemies. That's how I feel right now, (as election season starts up, again). Revenge is sweet. Vengeance is a dish best served cold. DGC.  I'm not actually endorsing criminality:  I'm just saying, I understand (the urge, the need, the temptation).  I'm not a God that cares, but there are plenty of others who do.  It's just that, from my perspective, there's not a whole lot of difference between going to war abroad, and murderous criminality on the streets, back home.  You should either be against both, or tolerate both, according to a consistent ethic.  I like both the idea of hardcore soldiers (on a mission, always and everywhere), as well as peace-loving pacifists (bumper sticker: "I'm already against the next war") (CO's: Conscientious Objectors).  I imagine God as the perfect synthesis of both.

I put myself in the position of being placed in the crosshairs, myself. Whatever. There are worse ways to go. Making a stand and being targeted because of integrity to one's own values is virtuous. I hope to live really, really long, though. My big goal, as of now, is to read thousands of books. I like the idea of being an educated, harmless bookworm (as opposed to a serial killer assassin). It's a great escape, and seems to be a lot less dangerous. I certainly hope so. Back to the books. My current read is The Devil's Race-Track, Mark Twain's Great Dark Writings. I read most of Mark Twain's oeuvre when I was a kid. I've just finished Thunderbolt Kid, by Bill Bryson; Amnesia, by Peter Carey; and Law 101, by Jay M. Feinman. So it goes. Another day, another book.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise

from an email from presidential candidate 
Bernie Sanders:

" The American people understand that our current health care system is not working.

They understand that the profiteering of the pharmaceutical industry and private insurance companies causes the United States to spend more per capita on health care than any other nation, while our life expectancy, infant mortality and preventable deaths outcomes are worse than most other countries. 

We should be spending our money on care and disease prevention, not paper-pushing and debt collection. But the simple truth is that our efforts to eliminate waste and profiteering are endangered by these powerful corporate interests.

A single-payer system will expand employment and lift a major financial weight off of businesses burdened by employee health expenses. And the millions of Americans stuck in jobs they don't like, they would be free to explore more productive opportunities as they desire. 

I am convinced today more than ever before that universal quality health care as a right will eventually become the law of the land. It is the only way forward. "

I agree.  Go, Bernie!
In my opinion, and I go even further- quality healthcare should be a Human Right, free and availabe for Everyone (the Whole Wide World!) 

Single-Payer, btw, is:
Single-payer health care is a system in which the government, rather than private insurers, pays for all health care costs.[1] 
wikipedia article on SPHC, link. 

THIS IS MY 1,000th POST! (if I tabulated correctly) YAY!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Church of Jesse

Church of Jesse:
(really the church of You)

I believe I am God, but I don't want you to worship me -
because I believe everyone is their own God. Worship yourself.
You have the power to create your own heaven, happiness, utopia, while alive.
I am the God of my own world, you of yours.
We share the world, of course, and we should help each other get there..
we could therefore play power games, and pound our chests like gorillas to see who is the alpha, or I could tell you that I am perfect, and you are lowly, and should submit (such as to Allah, Islam means submission) to my will. Which I am totally fine with, by the way, but if you do it, you should do it by choosing to agree with me, because you find my opinions reasonable and compelling, not because of blind obedience or faith in my divinity. But to each his own.

Allah, in fact, and perhaps this is a “spell” elicited by modern linguistic deconstructionism, makes me think of All a H; H is the 8th letter, and the word 'God', in numerology based on the english alphabet, base 10, in which every word corresponds to a number between 1 and 9, sums to 8- so therefore the arabic word for god in english makes me translate the meaning of H as code for God: thus Allah as 'All a God'. 

Vanity of vanities, all is vanity, says the bible.
I am, is God's name, of which I choose the third interpretation.
(1. God is God. 2. the bible is God, (as if the words were alive),
and 3.You (the reader) are God, which includes me, I am God.)
My 'Allah' interpretation includes everyone, not just readers of whatever holy book.
And, as Adi Da said, reasonably I think, “Reality is all the God there ever is.”

So that expands the concept beyond a universe-creator deity from the deep past (an alien life-form?), your more immediate creators (your parents), the bible (the full set of concepts, memes, interpretations, and practice), anyone who claimed godhood in the past in the biblical tradition (such as Jesus), a corporate body of believers such as all of Christianity/the sangha/your particular church, etc. I would add, maybe everyone in your head (all in all is all we are?) as another step in the progression of expanding conceptions of God, or even all of humanity, or everyone of good will (of any and all or even no religion). But reality includes things, animals, stars, empty space, and I think the best concept of God includes everything, not just that fragment of reality with consciousness. After all, people are things, too. And we are animals, of course. Or, in the words of madonna, you're a superstar, yes that's what you are (lol). 2 stars to like: The north star provides direction, and the sun provides warmth. Anyway, the progression culminates in the Universe, which is everything, the All, or what I call the YOU-niverse. Reality may be infinite, but everyone's world, in truth, resides between their ears (which of course includes telepathy, vibes, dreams, memes, communication, prayer, and maybe even computers). We do interpenetrate. The boundaries are indistinct. And our brains each have more neural connections in them than there are atoms in the universe, if I remember correctly. We must create our own virtual reality, a place we enjoy, which is virtuous. We shouldn't exclude those who are suffering, or places that might seem hellish (such as a dungeon, or someone “locked-in” who is paralyzed, or perhaps the inside of a star). We should extinguish our personal suffering, vanquish those who persecute us, separate ourselves from the causes of suffering, and get to the place of loving life, constantly renewing and increasing our affinity, and I find Buddhist doctrine helpful in this regard. Love everything, love everyone, as Dostoevsky said. Love all, serve all, as the hard rock cafe says. Be good! (the entire message of all religions, ever!) Love life!

Peace be with you. 

Hopefully having an open mind, allowing everyone in your head, will create a riotous party, where everybody has a rollicking jolly good time, or at least loses some dukkha, and makes progress toward bliss.

Monday, July 20, 2015

50 Reasons People Kill

50, More or Less- purely theoretical, of course: poor value inculcation; video games, life as a game; hatred, anger, resentment, disgust; it makes them happy, thrill kill, because they're depressed; revenge; believing they're a demon, the devil, evil; believing it's god's will; just to do it, do everything once, see how it feels; they're paid to, a mercenary, an assassin, a soldier, a hitman; geopolitics, national interest, for your country, at war, because the president wants you to, defense; as a favor, for love, for a blunt or two; to not get caught, of a witness; the perfect crime, opportunity, because they can; to be imprisoned, to get off the streets, for shelter; because you like jail; suicidal and homicidal, both; for a political cause, us vs. them; freedom from oppression; kill unbelievers, send them to hell, fatwa/jihad; to make life worth living, to add value, to make a difference (subtract); anomie, meaninglessness, unity with the universe; because you only live once; to be all you can be; because everyone dies; because they're annoying; they lied to you; they victimized you; they're stupid, ignorant, retarded; they're inferior; they were unkind, mean, cruel, thoughtless; kill or be killed, self-defense, pre-emptive self-defense; to do them a favor; to do the world a favor; because they're ugly; best thing for him really, his therapy was going nowhere; to play chess with the police; to play the most dangerous game; because they're sad; because nothing really matters; to stay sharp, for exercise, to mix it up, to vary the m.o.; for food, cannibalism; to end their suffering; to scare society, to feel powerful, to have power; to be the center of attention; for immortality, fame; because some women like dangerous men; to make life come into sharper focus, to come alive, to remember, to feel; because life is shit, life is hell, people suck; because they're tortured, possessed, have demon(s); the voice(s) told them to, madness, schizophrenia, obey!; fuck you, world; because they need to; because they're sick, and stupid; to start a war, revolution, etc.; they're a stone-cold killer, rock and roll, lock and load; mind control, drugs, movies, devil's pawn; epic, biblical rage; delusional, identification with a character/role (e.g. bloodthirsty vampire, blade-runner vs. replicants/robots/androids, neo vs. unreal agents in a matrix program, etc.); businessman "making a killing", a comedian that "killed", banality of evil: murderburger; copycat.

In Sum!

A summertime summation God is One, says the bible. I would also say, since God is love, that God is 2. Unless you're in a threesome. Then God is the trinity. Ha. English alphabet numerology. 26 letters. Each letter is a number from 1 to 9. AJS 1 BKT 2 CLU 3 DMV 4 ENW 5 FOX 6 GPY 7 HQZ 8 IR 9 comprendes tu? Religious numerology father is 4. son is 3. holy is 6. spirit is 1. so holyspirit is 7. so father, son, and holy spirit is 4,3,and 7. Troop 14, rah! Christ is 5, too. Or maybe I should say also. Too is 5. also is 2. Whatever. 3. Sex sums to 3. which makes scents. Jesus sums to 2, as does jew, or beast, or breast. G-D sums to 2. God with sexy number 6 for an O added in to the equation, is 8. 8 Sideways is the symbol for infinity. Numerology is pointless, perhaps -but then again, so is life. Ecclesiastes say all is frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense. Love is 9. JesusChrist is 7. church is 7. Do you understand? What is the meaning of this, anyway? This is 2. Larry or Shawn is 2, too. Okay, sorry. Jesse means 'the whole office' of the eucharist. t.w.o.!!! Eu a christ! U r what u eat (less what you excrete)... Carnivores are death-eaters, to use a Harry Potter term. Thanks, JK Rowling. I'm not the only One. Jesse is 4. like antichrist. Or david. Or al. Or even Four (which is actually 6, lol). I met a Four (ha, metaphor) in jail. My initials are JLT, which evokes jailtime. I served 10 months. Sac County jail, Atascadero State Hospital, and somewhere else, I forget. But esse is latin for being, or eating. So I'm being J. J is the tenth letter. So my name conjurs, say 10. or tennessee. Or jest. The book of numbers is the fourth book. Satan is 11215, which is 10. So maybe Satan is God, cuz they're both 1. Like I said, whatever. Eating satan. Being satan. Both? Gr-ace. If you're gonna be evil, you should at least be evil towards evil. That makes it a form of good, you might say. The dark side turned on itself. The snake swallowing it's tail. But eating satan in the form of eu a christ is hardly effective at ridding the world of evil, no? hm. well maybe it is. I dunno. Maybe I should have faith. Maybe we shit the devil...!!! Get out, you piece of shit! (a further revelation of the mystery of the eucharist) My birthmom is Annette Riddle. A net. Fishing, internet, rid of dull. Arco. My other mom is Peggy Teshara. I think of PG&E and Egypt in relation to that. Her real name is Margaret (r great ma), which she doesn't like, strangely enough. Although dullness is evil, actually. And murder is exciting. Huh. I am God. That's pretty exciting. My blog is my gift. Jesse also means 'God's gift', or 'God makes forget'. That sounds like the gift of forgiveness of sins, to me (and a happy addendum to the law of karma) I don't want to spend my time in hell, staring at the walls of a prison cell. -the police. I don't want to suffer for any one else's sins, either. I'm not Jesus, Satan, Devil, or an angel, good or bad. I'm Jesse. I like to think I'm God, just for fun. Or maybe because I really am. They say I'm crazy. I take olanzapine and risperdal for schizophrenia. That's my diagnosis, anyway. Not sure if that's the reality. In any case, I believe we are all the masters of our own reality, each of us gods of our own private universe. You-niverse. You-topia. You-N. You-nited States. (body politic!) Also, God is only real if he's you, because you are your only reality, no? Reality is all the God there ever is -Adi Da Consciousness is your only reality (your mind, that is, including the subconscious) Our minds interpenetrate, we are a collective organism, with a hive mind. You feel me, dawg? A zen monk said the fundamental delusion of humanity is I am in here, and you are out there- So I AM is God's name, because he's the principle of existence as good. The communal effort to make everyone's life worth living, happy, rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling, pleasant, comfortable, in love, in service, healthy, free of suffering, and enjoyable. Money, perhaps. Money anagrams to 'my one'. God is one! My god. Even if God doesn't exist, we can be happy. Religion is just trying to create a community that helps each other out. I think a community of atheists can be just as godly as a Body of Christ, for example (the body of believers in Jesus, a kind of corporate personhood). Whatever floats your boat, right? (that would probably be water).

Thursday, July 16, 2015


messages in your inbox

welcum.  cum in!  make yourself! (at 'ho m)
mess o' jizz in your in-box
cum pew t' her, missionary position
soft and hard where, hard drive
driven to suck seed
sexy 6.  xxx is 666.  sex sex sex! sucks, socks
beast with 2 backs
animal-style, doggy style, cocker spaniel, cockroach, insex
god is one, dog is neo, pussy cat, eno- ugh.
money- my one
richard, jack, peter
jazz, jay-z
buy, bye, bible
homeowners, homo sapiens, investigation
butt weight, there's more!
assholes, dicks, pussies, cunts, cocksuckers
penetrating insights, thrust of your argument
sects, communion
dumb convict (jail) break
master Bates
sex, excess
ten as binary, one and zero, or I and O (eye owe),
for "in" and "out" , or 1 as penis, and 0 as a hole (vagina, mouth, anus)
get a grip

"united" states, a more perfect "union":
Texas, sex at
floor id duh
mounting a 'ho (montana, idaho)
louis y anna
missus sip P
in Diana
round on both ends, high in the middle
virgin yeah

to be cunt in you'd: please submit (!) whatever I've miss'ed-


a bundle of associations

JJA (June July August)
June 21st, summer solstice
September 3, my birthday, around labor day, often 1st day of school
July 4th, independence day, fireworks
July 26th, dad's birthday, "christmas in  July"!
August 10th, mom's birthday (both leos)
vacation, baseball games, disneyland/great america, cruise ship, etc.
summer camp (scout camps Royaneh, Wente, Oljato)
(family camps Mountain home ranch, camp Mather)
heat, warmth, sunbathing, sunglasses, sunscreen, swimming,
beer, barbeque, water bottle -stay hydrated
summer reading, shakespeare in the park
have fun in the sun, redwoods, thunderbird, diamond R corral, trail rides, canoeing, rowboating

-one who sums, a mathematician, a numerologist, the count
e.g. 'Jess'e=4
-walgreens employee by the name of Summer
-Sumer (Sumeria?)
-and, sadly, the car accident I was in (was it '94?)

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

look good, feel good


daily exercise, constant improvement-

to be proud of my body, to set an example
to feel alive, get those endorphins flowing
to be healthy:
-to use physical health as a springboard to mental health.
to be sexy, and to live long (and prosper!)
to be in superior shape and conditioning.

I am 6'1, and I weigh 210 now.  I am 43 y.o.
I want to look like Rusty Jeffers in 10 years.
I'm wondering if that's even possible, for me
or for a vegetarian.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

(Personal) Update

what's new in my world

Augustus is walking, Benjamin close :).  Poutine, the frenchy, is adorable.  Dinner with SPA on Monday, turkey salad, delicious! Had 2 beers.  Hosed off the high chair outside, lol.  

my (dental) crown fell out, Monday.  lesson: don't eat TJ's ginger chews if you have a crown: sticky!
i have to wait 2 weeks before the next dental appt. to look at it (at the BFC).  The tooth doesn't hurt, but is sensitive with contact.

looking fwd to going to Camp Royaneh on Saturday for the 90th party, with dad and bro.  It's definitely Summer.  And I'll get a t-shirt.

yesterday and today I've been helping my bro (and Jeff) move his office, from SF to Daly City. 
he buys, sells, leases, rents, moves shipping containers (Hutchinson llc).  moving up in the world!  Business is good.  He'll share an office with an immigration lawyer.

I'm having a hard time reading Law 101, by Jay M. Feinman.  I keep preferring listening to music, instead.  It's due tomorrow, in SF.  I renewed it once.  Maybe I can renew it again.  The subtitle is "Everything You Need to Know about American Law" (which is motivation enough to slog through, I think.  definitely cheaper than a year of law school).  I got a good ways into my Nt'l Geo history book, but I've switched to the library books, 'cause they have a deadline.

I have a new roommate, Todd.  Well, housemate.  I'm waiting for a disability bart pass in the mail.  It's been over 45 days since I turned in the application, hopefully should arrive soon.

Sunday, dinner at 801 with M&D, Tom & Jeannine.  People were 'under the weather' last weekend, so the meal was cancelled.  Dad's birthday is coming up. 

I haven't been to the Y in like 2 weeks.  I housesat for 10 days in San Leandro.  I've grown a beard, too.  I ate lots of vegetarian meals (gardein, tofurkey, morningstar, etc.), which were good, but still had a roast beef with guacamole subway sandwich, which I enjoyed.  Will miss Kaiser group today (my being in SF).  Missed 3 weeks in a row, actually: slept in, housesitting, helping Greg.  They're getting a bit repetitive, anyway.

the blog hit 12,345 not too long ago.  Now it's like 500 more (!). Hello Russia!  Hello Redmond!
Yay, followers!  I always appreciate feedback and comments, folks!

I started listening to Insane Clown Posse on youtube.  I may be insane, but those (two) guys are Seriously Weird.   But entertaining.  Not ready to call myself a Juggalo, yet.

Getting serious for a moment, I hope Iran and the U.S. can hammer out that nuclear deal.  I'd be even happier if the U.S. promised to permit Iranian inspectors, too!  Shouldn't it be mutual?  And I wish the world would disarm -I'm thinking of you, Russia (seriously? MORE nukes, really?)

also, I was looking through a friend's role playing game (rpg) book, and it had Levels 1- 4 Cleric spells, which I thought was interesting, and somehow relevant to my blog.  I wasn't into DnD as a kid, but I'm having fun as God, now, making up for lost time.   Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me, as they say.

pronunciation guide:  is it Eye-Ran or E-Ron (!) having a
non-threatening New-klee-er (not Nuke-you-lur) program?

okay, peace out.  Enjoy your Summer, everyone!  Time to go swimming, I think.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Fun with Letters and Numbers

license plate ideas, etc.

OB4I1,U812, A?

oicy 2bu
ybu, imu2.  ur? g
icu, b2
im1, imu2
ibm, imamt
m a1 

a eh
b be
c see
y why
r are
u you
g gee
1 won
2 to, too
8 ate
o oh
4 for
b4 before
cd seedy
6 sex
m am
m mm
t tea
b2 bomber
a1 steak sauce
mt empty

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Possessed Avatar Vessel Slave Robot!

vs. "freely me"

putting the "spirit" in spirituality!
alcohol, getting drunk, sounds vampiric
spear it, penetrating, like a gaze or a penis or a weapon
Jackie Speier, William Shakespeare, and Britney Spears!
spirited, animated (like a cartoon): who are you? who who, who who!
there's someone in my head, but it's not me -p. floyd

inhabited (occasionally? all the time? just when I'm sleeping?) by a Source
(shared consciousness)

(source for dreams, Morpheus)
(dead milkmen: soul rotation)
("we are all one consciousness, experiencing itself subjectively"?) -Bill Hicks
(global telepath? just a sender, just a receiver, or both sending AND receiving?)
("we are programmed to receive") -hotel california, the eagles
(collective unconscious? -Carl Jung) ("hive mind")
(telepathic link to only One, someone with different powers)
-a comic book view of human psychology-
(i'm a million different people from one day to the next...) -bittersweet symphony, the verve

possessed by God?  possession is evil, and therefore de facto from the devil?

thought: possession relates to things.  so if you don't believe in souls, your body is a thing, and can be possessed, by an owner, like a slave, or your mind can be mined, or you can be subject to mind control.  Which compels you to believe in a soul, as the Self, which can be free (as well as go to heaven), I think is the idea.  Which I don't buy.  Telepathy is real, and we are all subject to the laws of psychology, as human animals.  I think we are all mad.  We are only our bodies, and our minds interpenetrate.  "self-possessed" and "myself" are contrary to buddhist "no-self."  But don't believe everything you think.  You are what you make of yourself.   or what others make of you.  I'm not sure what to make of this!  Madness may be the only sanity.

Does the truth set me free?  am I not locked in my own body, in my own mind, or is hell other people.
Maybe some people more than others.   Sartre is misunderstood, they say.  how hellish for him.

The movie Avatar presents an interesting view of possession.  The Hindu understanding of an avatar is an incarnation of a deity descended from heaven, which I guess isn't that different from the movie.  If everybody is God, then the most Godly is "all in all is all we are".  Thanks, Kurt!

"Do you not know that you are not your own?" -new testament, bible
"If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead" -alice in chains, nutshell

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

"Make Believe"

fiction, false, untrue, unreal, imaginary!

What a funny term!
Religion makes things "really real" through repetition and ritual.
So that's why I'm making the term a post on my "God's Blog", always in search of enlightenment, clarity, understanding, and truth!

I guess I should have thought critically about the expression when I heard it as a kid, but I'm only comparing the literal meaning with the expressed meaning now, age 43 (!), after hearing the term as a refrain in a song I just heard on ucla radio.


"suspension of disbelief" is what makes a movie or book or story engaging and virtually real.
and belief in lies makes them operative in the lives of the believers, with real results.
     -do people who believe in and hope for heaven have happier deaths, for example?

we also have to work at making belief in things that are in fact true, too!

true lies
art imitates life, life imitates art.
i have wondered, wandering the library, how much truth, for example, is contained in all the books in the mystery genre.  Are the authors channeling true crime?  Is the process of writing and creativity and inspiration somehow psychic, perhaps? (revealing the hidden, if not as clues, then as exposure of secrets and skeletons, in the entire world's closets, as it were!)

while I'm at it, "believing IN" (something or someone) is a weird expression, too.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


The number of the beast

8 examples:

holy, holy, holy
zoom, zoom, zoom
fox, off, xxx, oxo
foo fighters
sick, sick, sick

I looked it up: there's a Boy Scout troop 666 in Washington, D.C.
the star of david is 6 pointed.  so 3 Israeli flags is kinda beasty, too.

did you crack my code?
holy is 8637, for example.
ain't numerology a kick?

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Making Light of The Dark Side

Lordy lordy!

maybe you're a vampire, a dark angel, a dark agent?
you drink blood when you have a rare steak
when you drink the blood of christ (chris t? Christy? Chris tucker? Chris Topher?)
when you drink the blood of the vine (vinny? Vincent? Vincenzo?)
schadenfreude, taking pleasure in the misfortune of others.
Justice, perhaps. Revenge. Karma.
Servant of God, enforcer of God's law, Punisher.
Pissed off lice. Po-lice. In your hair. All up in your business.
jalapeno bisnatch!

Make an example of someone, vs. being a role model (model, example are synonyms)

Maybe you're not that dark. You are a being of light. A reformed sinner.
A luminous beacon of hope, kindness, caring, and charity.
A lover, not a hater. An angel, a saint, a hero, a friend.
Someone who makes you laugh. A good cook. A freak in the sheets.
Accomplished, respected, talented, good-looking, rich, good-natured, positive, happy. Lucky.

inner demons v. your better nature (your better half?)
everyone is everything
potential and realization!

today's wisdom
people try to piss you off.  maybe police want you to argue/fight: you don't have to "bite".
devilish "fishing" for a reaction-
stay in control.  sense of humor.  kindly.

The God GaME

Get In The Game

what it is:
acquiring god's attributes, becoming god
constant growth, improvement
realizing one's potential
be all that you can be

the god game
creating reality,
making the world better, making the world a better place-
knowledge, wealth, happiness, technology
creativity, admiration, recognition
freedom v. slavery, incarceration, imprisonment
fate, destiny.  defined.  good or bad.  pro and con.  for and against.  accept or reject.
god's slave, omniscience of the best course of action for all, submission to the will of god
pride, self-apotheosis, inheriting the mantle of most-powerful person.
atheistic, star wars force emperor, death and oblivion as the universal fate, all is permitted.

The god game
sorcerer, wizard, jedi, conjuror, the chosen one, lord, messiah, christ, king, emperor, author
creator, sustainer, cupid, lover, journalist, writer, role model, teacher, instructor, professor, guru, sage
buddha, master, sensei, wise one, leader, source, holy one, blessed, sacred
unique, special, supreme, without equal, most holy, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-wise
good, guide, guiding light, god, goddess, great
genetically generous, gentle, genius, genial, genie
gracious, gregarious, grinning; grim, grievous, grieving, grown, angry
ever-present, omnipresent, omnibenevelent, always and everywhere, eternal, unlimited, big
deity, spirit, soul, heart, mind, compassion, mercy, kindness, love,
wisdom, profundity, limitless understanding, enlightenment, oceanic depth, universal truth
magisterial, mysterious, numinous, ineffable, transcendent, regal, royal, most high, exalted
good god!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Taking Care of Myself

today's Kaiser group topic
17 item list:

1)Eat Right
less/no meat, portion control: not too much/too little
soda, candy, ice cream, chips, junk food -reduce/limit
gnc protein powder, omega3/vitaminC, 8 cups of water
occasional restaurant meals; practice, improve cooking

Ymca: lift, swim, bike, run
"daily maintenance" or, preferably, improvement

3)Keep Busy
structure, to-do lists, online

4)Enough Sleep
early to bed, early to rise. 7-8 hours, alarm.  Naps.

social (family, friends, roommates), jokes, positive

6)Stay in Budget
tally income/expenses, free food/meals

7)Kaiser group (Thurs. mornings)

order by mail, on time
nightly routine (ingest, in Jess T, in jest?)(olanzapine/risperdal)

Berkeley Shambala Center, Yoga to the People (both in Bkly)
breathe :-)

10)Walk Dogs
Tuesdays in San Leandro: Fido and Taco

itunes, kalx (sometimes awards free tickets), whrb

book-a-day, 1001 list, magazines, daily NY Times
frequent trips to the local library

blog, email, notebooks

dance/romance, okcupid, match.com

hiking, camping, parks, beach, outdoors

brush teeth/floss/mouthwash
shower/shave/deodorant/clean clothes
look good, smell good, feel good

17)Variety!Try new things, mix it up.

Monday, May 18, 2015

A Day of Madness and Lunacy

I read a 309pp book and watched a 2 hour movie

book: 'Lunatics' by Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel (very funny!)
movie: Mad Max Fury Road (I thought it sucked ass, pardon my french)
     a complete waste of 8.50 (i didn't see it in imax 3d)

and sadness:
Marcel was put down today, so I spent the morning feeding him BK soft serve and pastrami.
I'm gonna miss him.

On a related note, 'The Funeral' by Band of Horses is a good song. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

japanese happiness

japanese is 'japones'  in spanish

ha po ness is surprisingly close to 'happiness'

aikido knot!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

on my plate

keeping busy

9:30p-4:30 sleep (early to bed, early to rise)

i've got a dozen books in my room to read, 2 from the library:
(on my queue, in the batter's circle, due up, backlogged).
(2 Terry Pratchett: collected nonfiction, and Turtle Recall)
(4 reference: chambers dictionary, am.heritage spanish-english dict.,
 nt'l geo 1000 events, nt'l geo uncommon history of common things)
(5 trivia: 2 imponderables (aspirin, lobsters),
powerful pinkie, bizarre facts&stories, useless information)
(1 short stories, best american)

i might do gardening in Fremont for my aunt.
i might help another aunt moving stuff from storage.
my brother plans to visit me in Berkeley (from SF).

i want to keep applying to low-income housing waitlists.
i eat free lunches MWF at McGee baptist church, nearby.

i want to get serious about daily exercise at the Y,
(and use the weight room more, as well as swim)
(hopefully I'll get approved for financial assistance there.)

tuesdays i walk fido and taco, (and eat a gourmet cookie)
wednesday, hopefully i'll win the lotto (superlotto plus)
thursdays 10.30a-11.30a is kaiser group.
sunday mornings- philosophy talk, on radio.

maybe i'll go on some okcupid dates.

i want to read the Aletheon at the GTU.
daily trip to the library to survey/skim/read the day's NY Times.
(and occasional mags: people, mad, csmonitor, economist)

i've recently started having a cup of coffee in the morning.
daily online music, berkeleyside, cnn, onion, wikipedia, email, blog

Friday, May 8, 2015

wussup wit me

 slice o' life
yes things are good for me right now.  i'm getting a (dental) crown at the berkeley free clinic tomorrow.  I helped out with Augustus yesterday.  He's a fun little tike.  walked Fido and Taco today.  happy cinco de mayo and national teacher's day!  I had dinner at 801 with Tom and Jeannine Sunday night.  I helped mom garden (also at 801) on Saturday.  Someone left two big bins full of lego-style blocks out on the street today near me in bkly which I picked up!  that'll be a good gift, maybe in a year.  I showed my folks all the instagram photos of Augustus, Sara, Pierre, Marcel...  We used a neighbor's wifi.  I'm going to Royaneh in July for the big 90th party.  I'm housesitting/dogsitting at the end of this month (22nd-25th).  I had a delicious gourmet cookie (choc. chip) this morning at the San Leandro library, with a cup of coffee.  I have my usual kaiser group on thursday mornings, followed by walking marcel, in oakland.  I'm reading Night Watch, another Terry Pratchett book.  I just got new brake pads on my bike (at the new Sports Basement store).  my kaiser med refill just arrived in the mail.  my money situation is good (i'm frugal and get mostly free food) -i like to tally my budget, it's a fun exercise (for me).  Anyway, yes I'm looking fwd to Ben's party!  I bought a lottery ticket for tonight.  You can get a music device for when you swim.  If I win, I'm getting that! 

-current library books I've read:
finished The Case for God, by Karen Armstrong.  
and Irreligion, by John Allen Paulos.
also recently finished 3 Terry Pratchett books: 
Guards! Guards!, and Night Watch, and The Long Earth.  
-Now, I'm reading: 
Turtle Recall, and A Slip of the Keyboard (both by Pratchett)
-on deck: 
2 (more!) by Pratchett: Feet of clay, and Eric

The GTU has the Aletheon (by Adi Da).
 My roommate Michael recommends anything by Alan Furst.
Bill Gates recommends Vaclav Smil. 
Andrea Glover, my social worker, recommends 'It's not me it's you' by Mhairi McFarlane 
My aunt, the nun, recommends Cadillac Desert, by Mark Reisner.
8 events
may day (may 1st), teacher's day, mother's day, cinco de mayo, star wars day (may the fourth be with you), and Benjamin's birthday.
Ben turns 1 today.  Big party tomorrow, with face painting and arts/crafts for the kiddies.
also, may 16 is armed forces day, and 
may 25th is memorial day, too (memorializing all those who have died in military service).

Friday, May 1, 2015

Jesse, The Numinous, The Ineffable, The Transcendent


Perhaps I will deign to answer you petty mortals' questions:

such as, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

what does W-A-R spell?
war is not the answer.

who will win the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight?
happy mayday, pow!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Being/Staying in the Present/Moment

"Always Now"

A. lyrics
Time keeps on tickin tickin tickin, into the future! -Steve Miller Band

ticking away the moments that make up a dull day, shorter of breath and one day closer to death! -Pink Floyd

If you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting, time after time -Cyndi Lauper

B. increments of time:
seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, lifetimes, aeons, geologic time, "deep time"

C. images
1. the "Now" watch!
2. human lifetime as a "centipede" image (in spacetime), metaphor for being in different places at different moments.  Actual centipedes are kind of gross, so maybe this isn't the best metaphor!
3. eternity symbol (sideways 8) (always, forever, eternity, infinity)
(weird how 'itty' is a part of eternity and infinity!)

D. science
Big bang, spacetime, time-travel
the unknown (to me, anyway).  Is there a smallest theoretical increment of time?
I know there's a 'planck length' (theoretical smallest spatial increment, I think)
Is there not a "before" the big bang, could there be an "end of time"?
Personally, I think both time and space are infinitely big and long,
no beginning, and no end.  How could it be otherwise?
in both directions, getting smaller and smaller, as well as bigger and bigger.
Of course, everybody dies, there's personal oblivion, and species extinction.
But could there be a universe in my  head, for example?
universes within universes within universes, ad infinitem, like Russian nesting (matryoshka) dolls.
(t.i. me: that is me, 2945: two, like Jesus (or Beast, or Larry!)

What if time could stand still, or go backwards, or compress centuries into seconds, or expand a moment into centuries or whatnot...  Would suspended time imply absolute zero temperature? (because motion needs time..)

is immortality possible? should I abandon faith in its possibility as ridiculously improbable?

Terry Pratchett gives an interesting account of time (on discworld), in Thief of Time, i think it was.

E. Death
oblivion, nihility, emptiness, and void.  as before, so after.
church has a phrase, however, about the "fullness of time"...
human body and lifetime as a form, like a bubble (that will eventually pop!)
breath of life, a biblical reference (like a kid blowing bubbles)
mortality is destiny, fate, inevitable, unavoidable.
"abandon hope, all ye who enter here" (re: immortality: all, anywhere, ever?)

F.  "immortality projects"
-children, your dna
-art, creativity, books, music, computer stuff...
-causes, like nature, saving species, etc.

G. "Flow-states" activity, like meditation or sports
stop time, lose yourself, in fun, or satori
in stillness or motion (such as "walking meditation")
quiet, peace, breath, focus
"clear" (scientology)
"awake" (the buddha)
"in" the present, vs. "out of it" (frantic, scattered, monkey-mind)

H. bumper stickers
I'd rather be here, now.
Today is a gift.  that's why it's called the present.

I. save the manatee
sanity of a manatee, sea/ocean/water references-
deep thoughts, deep time, deep sea, like a bubble, "in" the present, "flow" states...
sea cow, holy cow, hinduism, vegetarianism, stillness

J. Jesus
BE ing is 25-ing.
NOW is No W (2, 5) also
WELL is 7 (like "my cock" lol, referencing the onion)
present and moment both have 'ent' (bugs, and trees)
  as well as pres (president) and mom (ma, mama, mother, mm, milk, mammaries)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

hell ya

words that elicit the opposite of heaven

held back
helen, helga, helmut, joseph heller
helsinki, new helvetia, helmand province


pair o' dice
heavy N

h8 vs. luvs (diapers)
hatred makes me think of red hats

life or death
light or darkness
love or despair
ellen or david (once upon a time)

Thursday, April 9, 2015

today's topic is Trains!

a brainstorm cluster on all things Train, boys and girls!

Auburn, Davis, Emeryville, Berkeley, Reno NV (with dad), Eugene OR
Jim Marquis, station agent, ex-roommate
starlight express, california zephyr, dining car, viewing car, sleeping car
bus connections
the little engine that could, i think i can i think i can
"de-train" (word for offboarding)
whistle, at all hours
"the wrong side of the tracks"
wooden train whistle
soothing rhythm
all aboard! crazy train -Ozzy Osbourne
casey jones, you better watch your speed!...-Grateful Dead
shipping containers
freight trains
passenger trains
light rail
bullet train
sacramento train museum, old sacto
flat penny
toy trains, xmas trains, ho model
railroad ties
old narrow gauge
chinese laborers
robber barons (e.g. Crocker, Stanford, Vanderbilt)
jesse james, train robber
golden spike
mexican immigrants
accidents, explosions, terrorism
anna karenina, by leo tolstoy
counting cars
movies: Strangers on a Train (Alfred Hitchcock), Runaway Train
political speeches (of yore)
transbay tube
elon musk's tube thing

cross-training (nike)
martial arts, sports
potty training, puppy training, positive/negative reinforcement
training bra

train of thought
"rail against" (e.g. Hitler)
"training" a rifle

wedding: train (of dress),
conga line dance (train of dancers)

Ellen Trainor ("excellent") ex g/f

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Jesse update

busy, busy!

I walked Fido and Taco today, in San Leandro.  took bart from bkly.
I bought a Chipotle burrito there- I've tried both v offerings.
I saw Wild Tales (movie) yesterday, with my aunt (the nun).
We had (Bongo) burgers afterward.  and froyo.
I bought GNC protein powder today.
(i didn't read the nytimes or exercise at the ymca today, for a change)
I also ate a (free!) meal at a local bkly taqueria today.
tomorrow is Kaiser group -I usually walk Marcel after.
Augustus had his first birthday on the 5th, and I went to his Little Prince theme party.
I read the Little Prince, at the library, for the 1st time, the day before.
I had dinner with my folks and T&J sunday/easter eve. @801.
Marcel got attacked by another dog while I was walking him.  everyone's ok.
Still working on Generation Kill (book), that Sam lent me.
RM gave me The Week magazine, to read.
I'm going to house/dog-sit, this weekend.
hope to finish GK, read science of discworld, and see Going Clear.
my temporary crown fell out, from the BFC (bkly free clinic)
hopefully I'll get the real one put in next Wednesday (15th).
i didn't win tonight's superlotto.  but I entered the 2nd chance.
i've been listening to baroque music on my itunes radio.
i danced to Clubbed to Death (kurayamino remix) the other night, off grooveshark.
I read the interview with Bill Gates in Rolling Stone, from the library.
Monday, I helped take care of Augustus, for Pierre.
I did laundry today.  super-exciting news, I know.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Little Mosques

Some thoughts on Bill Gates

1. I heard Noam Chomsky say the Government did most of the work behind the development of computers, and that people like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were just lucky to be in the right place and time to be its benefactors.  (wait, am i using the word benefactor correctly? ah, no.  a person who confers a benefit is a benefactor.  benefactees! ...should be a word)
      2. I read somewhere else that computer technology came from space-aliens!  Our space-alien benefactors.  Maybe reverse engineering of their tech, I dunno.  I read a yahoo article not too long ago about a guy who died recently who claimed to have seen one, working for the U.S. government. 

I visited gatesnotes.com, Bill's blog, and saw a chart of the most dangerous animals.  Which got me started on looking up statistics on the web.  Mosquitoes (spanish for 'little fly') are by far the worst (725,000 human deaths/year).  Next was we humans ourselves, with 475,000/year.  This doesn't include suicides, I discovered (around a million per year, or 3 thousand per day)  The world homicide rate (which I assume includes war fatalities, not just crime) is 6.2 per 100,000 people per year.  The world population meters I found/used, worldometer and others, listed (today's!) global population as 7.234B, or 7.305 B, or 7.705 Billion people.  I then used the google calculator, which put me in Bill's ballpark.   But I looked up war, just to be thorough, asked google how many wars are in the world right now, and got this-

This site claims the U.S. is in 0, 1, 5, or 134 wars (depending on how you figure), currently:

which I thought was interesting.
The number of wars on earth right now is...ridiculous.
65 countries and 627 militias/separatist groups fighting. See:
Are there any wars the U.S. is NOT involved in?!
You might expect me, as God, to say it's all one big war, good vs. evil or something, but no, I imagine it's mostly about money, poverty, and the arms economy.  I think the U.S. is the biggest arms dealer.  I imagine U.S. business loves all this war, while the PR machine (such as the president) is all about putting a diplomatic and peace-loving spin on things.  I, for example, think everyone should know Aikido, and there shouldn't be any borders, police, militaries, nukes, or even guns.  But I live with my head in the clouds in the great republic of Berkeley!

I noticed today that I like to eat red foods.  I drank a coke (now a dollar, up from .85, with the sugar tax), ate a strawberry paleta (popsicle), cinnamon bears, and red twists (twizzles, I guess).  Not the healthiest diet, I know.  I also like swedish fish.  I realize coke is brown, but i don't think brown packaging would work, do you?  I guess it's a blood thing.  I do like red meat -I had delicious lamb at my parents' house last weekend, that my brother cooked.  That was red and brown, too.  But I don't buy meat anymore, if I can help it -but I'll have some if served (I admit I love the stuff).

I met a guy named Red, and I had a college roommate from Redding...
My Reading, of late:
I like the occasional war book.  I'm reading Generation Kill, by Evan Wright, which my friend Sam lent me.  And I just finished (red) Redeployment, by Phil Klay.

I'm just teasing, about little mosques.
It is weird, though, that Islam is I slam, Allah is all a H, and a little mosque sounds like it might be mosquito. Makes me think of SWAT teams, actually.  (Special Weapons And Tactics)
I hope Bill isn't paranoid about Hollywood's Enemy at the Gates, and Kill Bill.


forked, and sibilant, slytherin speech

1.remember when "bad" meant good?
2.'commence' means both begin and end, go figure.
3.sax and violins, sounds like sex and violence!
4.mergers and acquisitions, murders and executions!
5.the freight and salvage (a club in Berkeley), fright and savage!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Yoga Goodness!

the benefits of Yoga

increased flexibility,
mental focus, stress relief, lung capacity,
longevity, endurance, and strength.

I occasionally go to Yoga to the People, in Berkeley.
It's donation-based (free)

Sunday, March 29, 2015


Right and Wrong
Principles to keep in mind when formulating one's own Morality:

Without God, all is permitted -Dostoevsky

There's no UTM (universal theistic morality), when everyone is their own God...
I have my opinion, you have yours. 
I have my family, my religion, my upbringing- you have yours.
Brain chemistry and experience differ, between individuals.
there are saints and psychopaths, sociopaths, the amoral.
Even laws differ, from one society/culture to the next.
Some "Gods" have bigger corporate bodies than others.

the law in heaven vs. the law in hell?
good morality vs. bad morality?
sets of rules- better and worse?
my opinion is better than yours: logic, rationality, truth, evidence

the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do to you.
or, stated differently, don't do to others what you don't want done to yourself. (although G.B. Shaw said don't obey the gr, because people have different tastes) (aside: the real "golden rule" is he who has the gold, makes the rules)

your freedom to swing your fist ends at the tip of my nose.
self-interest vs. utilitarian most good for the most people
"all right,"  do what thou wilt
the main law being Don't Get Caught (!)
compassion and empathy, putting yourself in the shoes of the other-
the principles of equality and equal rights, justice and fairness, dictate morality
(right and wrong thinking, speech, and behavior)
the difference between illegal, criminal, unlawful
the difference between ethics and morality
"objective" evil: 4 cases-
1. torturing babies
(which seems to admit that there's less of an argument against the morality of torturing adults (!)
2.i would also say creating hell or 3. sending someone there, are objectively evil. 
4. and I also really really dislike nuclear weapons. 

the common denominator is pain and suffering, torment and trauma, agony misery anguish despair as bad, sinful, wicked, evil, wrong, unjust, unfair, immoral, unethical, criminal, unlawful, illegal turpitude.  Can't we all just get along?  also, premature/unnatural death

life is good! thou shalt not kill-
i think abortion is wrong.  you might disagree if you believe life has no value.  but if you, as I do, consider it killing your own baby...
a painful and premature death vs. the loving act of adoption-
a misguided, sociopathic and selfish act, needing forgiveness

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Am God, Dogma

a female dog is a bitch

maintaining the dogma of being god can be a bitch, sometimes.
dog ma, get it?

my symptoms are hs/cp/v
(head shocks, chest pain, voice)
i've had these for years, experienced repeatedly daily.  f.u. 

-i think of head shocks (aka "brain zaps") in line with "the ice" in the book Neuromancer.

chest pain
-chest pains are virtual, I believe.  it's all in my head.  i have a healthy heart, so it's not heart attack.  i don't even think it's located where my heart is.  i used to think of it like a vampire getting staked in the heart, or my heart getting "broken" (in a different sense, i.e. like breaking a code), or even as "a bleeding heart liberal."  Whatever it is, it's unpleasant, unwanted, and a daily reality.  Maybe I'm feeling others' pain (or an indication of their pain)?
cp is communist party, capital punishment, too.
h.a., no laughing matter.  (why is there ugh in laugh?)

the voice is telepathy.  it's contact with my "source."  I used to think it was David Andrew Eldridge.  Much improved from what it was, quieted down significantly.   I attribute this to my meds, mainly.  But maybe David has improved, too (because of my voicing back responses? such as shut up, leave me alone, fuck off, that sort of thing)  Or I've been conditioned to where he wants me, perhaps. 

I hope and pray and strive for the day when I'm healthy, have no symptoms, and am free to be who I am, thinking whatever I want, unmonitored and free from daily psychic oppression.

Because I mentioned to my psychiatrist that i considered my symptoms to possibly be mind control (i.e. punishment/ negative reinforcement, for specific thoughts/words/deeds), I am categorized as a Paranoid Schizophrenic.  And all this time I thought I was Schizo-affective.  Which itself I thought was having both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, but apparently is something else...   I don't think of myself as paranoid at all, though.  Nobody's out to get me.  And of course, "You're not really paranoid...if they're really after you" -Nirvana lyric.  Well, the pro-choicers probably want to neutralize me, and the Republicans, too, because I'm down for helping the poor over the rich...I'm not excited about ANY of the presidential candidates, so far.  I don't like Hillary.  And Warren is pro-choice.  Generally, I'm surly recently, thinking everyone are idiots, and I just want to be left alone.   To be politically incorrect, the world is full of fucking retards. 

There's a difference between thinking my life is in danger, and considering it possible that people with varying political views from mine want to neutralize whatever power I might have to sway public opinion.  Maybe that's too subtle a distinction for my psychiatrist.   Whatever.  Doctors can be retards, too.

Thursday, March 26, 2015


pondering stillness

3 forms:
in your environment
in your head
in others' heads

the voice in your head could be:
you, your conscience, your subconscious, or telepathy...

i dislike tv noise in the background,
and i really abhor (most) commercials.
i dislike having to suffer fools
i prefer a quiet library
i want to get better at reading without vocalizing,  in my head
i take meds to silence The Voice (tv!)
meditation works
putting thoughts on paper/blog, externalizing them
taking a nap

(medication, meditation, and the mediterranean!)

mental anxiety:
change what you're doing, get out of your head, such as
take a shower, listen to music, go for a walk, exercise,
or tell tv to shut up and leave you alone, take meds...
maybe pray? (a socially acceptable way of talking to yourself)
(i don't: if god exists, he doesn't want to hear you, he knows already)
talk to another actual person

Sunday, March 22, 2015


jester, that's me, Jesse T!
Jesse L, jealousy
je suis, I am

teshara, t' share..

and, weirdly:
Sara: necessarily, ceremony
Greg: gregarious
Larry: hilarious (Larry T, hilarity), Mr. T, in his lair
    BHS, black hole son.  pop, you Larry T.  (popularity!)
Ellen T: excellent

am I a necessarily excellent gregarious hilarious jester?

some other name-related thoughts:

vicki, v- icky
jim, gym
erin, ireland
peggy t, egypt*
pat h, path, p at h, pa trick
rose, aunty christ, a rose by any other name!
(St. Stephen, with a rose, in and out of the garden he goes! -GD*)
tom, uncle tom.  tomorrow, tom are O.
jeannine, jean's in her name, and 9, too. (is there a 9th gene?)
LT, lake tahoe ->Steve Teshara
baby Bibi (Benjamin; I hope you like jammin' too!)
debbie, little debbie snack cakes
stephanie, step up, funny
annette, a net riddle (trippy name, no? fish, internet, rid)
(a trip to eugene OR, eugene and eugenics, lidder/leader)
dangerous dan!
elizabeth, el/liza/beth (I know an Ellen, and an Izzy (pron. i-z))
     (and there's a jewish synagogue in berkeley called beth-el)
    "Jacob named the place where God had spoken with him Bethel "
-it has 'hel iz a bet' in it, which prompts me to think of Pascal's wager, too.

*Grateful Dead (lyric)

*more than just egypt-
also, my mom is Margaret (prefers Peggy)
which evokes PG&E, PT cruiser, PT boats
ack cross- :-P  tTt (!)
Marge Simpson, Peggy Hill, Peggy Bundy...
margaret: m art rage, r great ma!!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

funny thought

if God is everywhere

you could worship anything, to the same effect!

all hail my comfy chair!
praise be unto my alarm clock!
go out to love and serve Joe Pesci!
may my left big toe be with you!

we worship you, we praise you, we give you thanks, oh my ipad mini!
allelujiah, amen, hosannah unto the highest, oh Berkeley YMCA!
and, of course, don't forget eucharistic sushi!

sweet tooth

my weakness: junk food-
diabetes, obesity, tooth decay! (but yummy)

refined sugar, high-fructose corn syrup (the evil shit)
candy, ice cream
(e.g. it's its, ben and jerrys, cinnamon/gummy bears, swedish fish)
cookies, cake, pastry, donuts, baklava
soda, chips

less is more (for the budget, and for health)
be sure to brush and floss!
may the force be with you.  (willpower -just say no!)

the cafe at the san leandro library has amazing $2 chocolate chip cookies.
me gustan las paletas, tambien.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

current reading, and update

RIP, Terry Pratchett (as of 3/12th)

I was reading him, when he died (!)
I have, checked out from the library, 3 TP books:
-Thief of Time (finished yesterday)
-Lords and Ladies
-Reaper Man

and 2 war books:
-Redeployment, by Phil Klay
-Generation Kill, by Evan Wright

(my life of late, by Jesse L Teshara)
(my dad used to say "my day, by Larry Teshara" every evening at the dinner table)

both babies in my life (A and B) are crawling now
(Augustus and Benjamin)
my rent, I worked out, is almost a dollar/hour
(but it doesn't work that way)
am applying for low-income housing in the east bay
(but I like where I am)
thurs kaiser group met outside, for a change, in the sun, which was nice
i'm having dinner tomorrow night with SPAM in Oakland
(i.e. Sara Pierre Augustus Marcel)
still playing the lottery, against all odds (!) (maybe i shouldn't)
am living within my budget (by virtue of mostly free food)
am mostly vegetarian (although i still eat meat when served it)
i saw the movies:
Big Eyes, Hobbit 5 armies, American Sniper, Birdman, Kingsmen
(Birdman kind of deals with schizophrenia, in a funny way)
(Big Eyes with Brooks, Kingsmen with Theresa)
i have a dental appt on 3/25th
gloria's 29th birthday is on the 29th
my blog just hit 12,000 viewers yesterday!
(all comments are always welcome, and encouraged)
folks, i must ask, do i have a cult forming  in Redmond?

Devil Lit

(from wikipedia)

Many writers have incorporated the character of Satan into their works. Among them are, in chronological order:
I've read Good Omens, The Master and Margarita, The Lord of the flies, The Scarlet Letter, Young Goodman Brown, Faust, and Paradise Lost.
All, very good!