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I, God, welcome you to my blog!

The good book says only God is good, so it seems to me somebody needs to step up.

I hope you enjoy reading this, the Jesse Journal, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please feel free to subscribe, write me an email, request that I write about any particular topic you may want my perspective on, send a prayer, click on the charity link, or donate money to my bicycle fund! Have fun!

Your pal, Jess

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 900 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Devil's Advocate

Opposite View (of yesterday's post, below this one)
for the sake of argh!ument..
  1. Let 'em fry in hell. Don't give them anything. Treat them like terrorists. Torture is sometimes, or rather often, in fact, merited. Karma is a bitch. Interrupt their sleep. Make the food shitty. Bang on the walls all the time. Deny access to legal advice, music, books. Ensure they never want to come back. Let the rotten bastards rot. They deserve monsters. Beatings are required for discipline and order. Rape and violence are the necessary deterrent component of any effective criminal justice system.
  2. Jails and prisons should be centers of pain and suffering, not education, training, and learning. If we are to have a civilized society, we need to mercilessly punish transgression, and make incarceration cheaper, so as to fund greater priorities, such a education (for those that obey the rules, and don't break the law).
  3. The death penalty is the human condition. We are all condemned. But “the wages of sin is death” says the good book. Criminals should die earlier.
  4. prisoners should be made an example of. They should be trained to fight, and put on display in gladiatorial combat, where the losers are injured and killed, in full view of a spiteful public.
  5. Incarceration should be a boring, mind-numbing, soul-killing protracted period of time, staring at the walls, contemplating one's evil past and sinful nature, and longing for freedom (not an exciting, stimulating, enjoyable place where friends congregate in communities/gangs).
  6. They say America has the highest incarceration rate in the world, but I say More people should be locked up, because human nature is wicked, and we are all deserving because of original sin.
  7. Make sure to victimize prisoners to the same, or greater, extent that they victimized society. That's what justice is: State's revenge.
  8. Racist gangs are a necessary and welcome component of prison life, as they make life adversarial, like a game, which is necessary for the drama and excitement of a life well-lived, in which everyone is for themselves, anyway. Gangs are an expression of community, and foster friendships and “family.” They are natural and healthy, like sports fan communities, or service in the military, as an expression of nationalist identity and pride.
  9. Rape should be tolerated, because only a small fraction of society is naturally homosexual, and homosex is the only outlet for sexual tension and frustration for the confined. Rape is an initiation into the joys of homosexual intercourse, and powerplay is part of the thrill.
  10. Capital punishment should be expanded to include crimes of any and all severity or lack thereof. If littering were a capital offense, the streets would stay clean. States already have the power to murder, by declaring war, or allowing abortion, or selling mousetraps, and human life has little value, in a world headed for universal oblivion, and which deserves to die.
  11. Prison should be a place of unremitting anger, hatred, and rage. A place of torments. They have it coming, and deserve every bit of discomfort, misery, pain, and suffering. Muahahaha! Let the hellish retribution commence!

New Sheriff In Town

Dear Sheriff Vicki Hennessy!
  1. the ideal justice system
    regret, forgiveness, resolve to be good/not commit further crime, release
    “go forth and sin no more”
    (is justice the same as revenge? Is there not already a universal (extrajudicial) law of karma?)
  2. incarceration as punishment, depriving of freedom, compounds the original crime:
    negative for negative, eye for an eye, leaves the “whole world blind”.
    Suffering must always and everywhere be lessened and ameliorated. Joy must be sought.
    Kindness must guide our response to evil and crime, not merciless or ruthless vengeance.
    The “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” should be borne with equanimity.
  3. rewards and punishments, carrots and sticks, inducements, intelligent use of the principles of psychology, pleasure and pain, comfort and discomfort, heaven and hell, bliss and torture, love and hate, joy and depression, health and sickness, hope and despair, security and threat, all factor into justice and rehabilitation. Happiness Psychology should be put into practice in jails and prisons, as in the rest of society, and around the world.
  4. Books, buddhism, meditation, yoga, aikido, and fitness are some of the things that make my life better, and which I think ought be made available and prevalent in incarcerated environments. Vegetarianism should be an option. The amount of suffering in factory farms is at least as big a problem as human suffering.
  5. Gangs, racism, violence, rape, and drugs should not be a part of any prisoner's daily life and reality. Good food and medications, however, can make life better and enjoyable. A prisoner getting aids, a type of death sentence, should not be a possibility.
  6. When I was in Sacramento County Jail, the ventilation and 2-way speaker system were located in the same place. Prisoners put damp toilet paper over the vent, so as not to be heard, which results in stuffy cells, and even difficulty breathing.
  7. Prisoners can be useful members of society, even live happy and productive lives, doing such activities as fighting fires, picking up trash, reading and writing books, recording audio-books (for the blind, as well as commuters), earning degrees, and even doing science. Scaring people straight, of course, is valuable (although, preferably, the horror-stories should be lies).
  8. Prison should not be “gladiator school”. But fitness and self-defense, the teaching and learning of martial arts, can be empowering, if paired with emphasis on a peaceful philosophy, as does Aikido.
  9. I think prisoners should have access to a large and diverse library, both digitally as well as “portable reading devices” (bound books!). The bay area community, in my view, should be allowed to donate books to those locked up. Best-sellers, award-winners, books by other prisoners, and recommended reading (such as from lists like the “1001 books you must read before you die”) could all be a part of a body of (approved) literature. If books are restricted to tablets, they could be adjustable in size (big-print, for less eye-strain), such as my wikipedia app has on my ipad mini. Also, reference books like new languages, dictionary/thesaurus, encyclopedias, the bible, etc. In my view, all books are equally holy. A yoga position guide!

Sunday, November 15, 2015


Me, at Mission San Jose (in Fremont), helping the nuns with their garden (with my beard!)

prr simmons said the Cat-holic!
(not to be confused with pomegranates!)
I ate a sweet, crispy one, and an even sweeter mushy one on Friday (for the first times)
other christian-linguistic thoughts:
Painting fingernails is evil!
sinner! she-devil! satan-worshipper! antichrist! demon-spawn!
what, what, what? you say?

get it- it (subliminally/on another level) elicits the crucifixion:
linguistic deconstructionism:
paint: pain/t
T as a cross.

fingernails: (crux-affix =crucifix) (nine inch nails, for example)(to get "nailed")
the 3 nails that crucified Jesus.

Did Jesus the carpenter use nails?  were fingernails called nails in Aramaic, too? Does ham have any cryptic relation to a hammer?  nailing pigs? fuck the police? pork slaughter?

get your "fix" from the "passion" (sex, drugs, and rocknroll!)
weekly mass...weak male ass? mm, ass. (bacon? weak donkey?)
allright, not everything makes sense.  scents. cents.
all write?

seriously, though, it's weird that painting nails has 3 embedded references, no?
one has no relation at all to the other!
(except maybe accidentally hammering your thumb)

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Mask vs. Real

External vs. Internal (thought/feelings)

Polite  vs.
                  annoyed, angry, hating (aha!) (gr)...stupid, trite, boring

Listening, Interested vs.
                  self-absorbed, thinking (sat!)..don't care, bored

Serious vs.
                  humorous (critical, judgemental, mocking, joking, absurd)


well vs. tormented
english vs. spanish
ordinary vs. extraordinary

Thursday, October 29, 2015

my life, lately

by Jesse L Teshara

happy halloween, i have a cirque du soleil mask to wear.
i met a checker at trader joe's whose name is Ween.
- and Alexis at ashby avenue (aaaaa!)
 we watched CSI svu, and Law and Order
(blasts from the past)

I read The Betrothed, by Manzoni not too long ago.
and Interesting Times, by Terry Pratchett
-working on my third trivia book (perfectly useless information, by Symons),
after finishing Pinkie is more powerful  than your thumb, by Vincenzo
and Book of the Bizarre, by Varla Venturi..  

my dad is happily back home (in SF) from rehab (in Pacifica).
my friend Sara (with Augustis) is visiting Rebecca in Tennessee
I had a vietnamese sandwich with them (SPA), last thurs.
I have a serious, full-on beard, of late- scruffy and shaggy!
i bought a sushi burrito yesterday, and a strawberry paleta tuesday.
I walked Fido and Taco in San Leandro from 8a to 9a, on Tuesday, too
(FaT two's day!)  I often get a pastor taco there, from los pericos restaurant.
i used up my starbuck's gift cards on cups of morning coffee-
i'm wearing my "lavese las monos" t-shirt
(it's a spanish pun -retruecano- ... wash your monkeys! ('manos' is hands)
i'm looking forward to getting a smart phone for x-mas

my bmi says I'm overweight (212 at 6'1), (maybe i'm 6'2)
and that my range should be between 140-189 (!!) Only 23 to go.
my (schizophrenia) symptoms have been much less, of late (Yes!!)
i almost feel healthy.  Is it possible?! that would be fantastic.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Musical Schizophrenia

Sarah Machlachlan or Black Sabbath?

Yes.  Both!  I like them both, anyway.
I'm a hawkish dove.  trying to be an owl.
save the puppies and kittens, and blow up the terrorists!  It's the same thing.  Well, trying to be.  Pro-life, pro quality of life, death to death-dealers...

in the arms of the angels...
fairies wear boots...

If only terrorists could all be locked up instead of murdered as enemy combatants, so they could:
fight fires, pick up trash,
read and write books, make/record audiobooks
earn degrees, do science,
scare people straight,
(empower themselves through body-building
and teaching/learning martial arts)
be contributing citizens,
live happy and productive lives...
(what else?)

instead of indirectly causing the deaths of non-targeted civilians (as collateral damage, unintended consequences), which is in today's (Huffington) news.

 I saw a video on fb of a hawkish series of bird's eye video of drone strike explosions set to Black Sabbath, supposed to fire me up in patriotic fervor and pride in our bad-ass military, eliminating American-enemy 'ragheads', who don't know who the hell they're fucking with.

It's an ugly world, and this kind of thing can be viscerally satisfying, but it's not working, it's creating more enemies and ill-will, and it needs to stop.  It's overkill, and unjust, and basically evil.  The military culture (kill em all, let god sort em out?) behind this illegal, immoral, unethical drone practice (if not policy) isn't humane or compassionate, it's criminal.  The dark side is a bitch, I know.  But even soldiers shouldn't be allowed to kill with impunity (despite what 'Be all you can be' might imply).

here's another article (on schizophrenia), which I guess is relevant.. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Unity of Humanity

Politics and Religion seem to fragment, aggravate, and divide humankind-

We're all in the same boat, we're all in this thing together, for better or worse -a worldwide community, the global village, spaceship earth, the third rock from the sun, floating in space, out here all alone, in this lonely spiral arm of the milky way galaxy..

No matter what we believe, in religion or politics, we should help our fellow man, our fellow citizens, and strive to make a better world for All (including animals, foreigners, strangers, enemies, prisoners, the rich, the poor, of all backgrounds and persuasions, alike and different).

We're all human, and much more alike than we are different.  Right?
War is never good, and demonization is always a step in the wrong direction.
Let's do the right thing, and respect and appreciate and be grateful for one another; be kind and helpful and friendly, and strive to be happy and pleasant and cheerful and even humorous.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Am I a Hypocrite?

Declaring Myself God might appear "A Bit Much"

I think I'm a good person, and that's all I'm really saying.  (the bible says Only God is good)
And I think everybody is basically good, and has the power to create their personal Utopia/Heaven for themselves.

But I realize it seems arrogant, conceited, proud, superior, condescending, pretentious, self-indulgent...

as well as
commonly perceived as a "messiah complex" (i.e. mentally ill)

I actually think my ideas in this blog serve a valuable purpose of bridging the divide between Theists and Atheists, as well as providing common ground for Buddhists, Muslims, Christians, Jews, etc.

I'm just an amateur philosopher, who enjoys thinking about this stuff as a kind of hobby.
And I find it satisfying Being God (!), as a way/example of being in the world. Join the party!  Be on the same team, of corporate Goodness, Godco, I am who am, Love, etc.

I still eat meat sometimes, and hate (seriously, it's rough), and consider myself fully human...which I suppose makes me hypocritical.
I'm working on it.

further clarification of what this blog is all about-

Throughout history, and around the world, in many traditions, mystics have sought unity with the divine.  For me, being God is not a transcendent experience, but rather a simple fact of everyday existence.  All it requires is to Be Good.  To be "One with the Universe" is to simply be yourself.  Divinity is One's natural state.  

Why I Like Bernie

check out feelthebern.org!

a few good reasons, in my view:
1.I believe in Universal Healthcare, for one.  (I think it should be a human right, globally, in fact)

2.I also think education should be free.  I think paying for degrees is basically a scam and a con -if libraries are free, then so should be education -it could ALL go online, as I see it. Bernie supports making public colleges and universities free (for those who get in), which I think is spot on.
(Education is basically just moving information from some people's brains to others'  (through conversations, instruction, reading books, online);  I actually think all books should be online, free, for everyone, too, like the free courses that are already available, as well as -of course- Wikipedia.  Expensive textbooks could be free, accessible online, in my book.  You agree, right?

3.I think we should keep billionaires from buying our elections.

4.Society would benefit greatly if corporations responsibly paid their share of taxes.

5. (well paying) jobs from improving U.S. infrastructure.

6. He's not Republican, not Hillary, and not Trump.
BS over b.s.!

7. He's the most liberal (which is a good thing, in my opinion (except for abortion).  He's got the right idea. You know where he stands.  He's not a flip flopper, and doesn't waffle.  He's had the same views forever.  He supports a healthy debate, a national conversation, and puts the "social" in socialism, which is what a healthy democracy should be all about.

Tomorrow night is the democratic debate, 5:30pm.
I'll be at the Bernie party at Ohmega Salvage, in Berkeley.
Go Bernie! 
He strikes me as ornery, grumpy, a bit crotchety, lol
but that's not really all that bad, and possibly what we need, anyway.
fire in his belly, as they say.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Words and Religion

such as 'Wards' and 'Jinn/gin'-

“Reality is all the God there ever is” is a quote (by Adi Da) that I subscribe to.
Reality is the only thing that is infinite.
Space and time, in both directions, bigger and smaller, past and future.
We are all our ancestor's afterlives.
Heaven is love-bliss, hell is torture (during our lifetimes).
'Oblivion' has I live on in it. But we are like bubbles, every one of us will pop.
'Hell' is similar to the contraction for he will. 'Paradise' is similar to a pair of dice.
Heart is hater, rearranged. (or, also, the word 'earth')
Soil is an acronym for sex, orgasm, intimacy, love: it's the soil from which our tree of life grows.
Evolution has love in it. The devil is to lived, as god is to dog.
Funeral has fun in it. Laughter has ugh in it. Warmth has war in it. Cold has old in it.
Hope is a town in Arkansas. Hell is a village in Norway. Paradise is near Chico.
Joy is a dish soap. Money rearranges to My One.  God is One.  In God we trust.
Hatred conjurs a red hat. Death is hated, rearranged. The letter T looks like a cross, so:
Paint conjurs pain on a cross. A cross would make me cross. You can't cross a street.
Couch also evokes such suffering: c-ouch. C is the 3rd letter, like 3 nails.  Also, there's 'touch'.  Touched by VAST (visual audio sensory theater) is a cool song.  T-ouch, mr. T-pain.
Allah could be All ahh. Or, to be legalistic, a law. Or, to be cryptic, All a H.
H could stand for a hospital, harvard, or honda, for example.
The word honda means 'deep' in spanish.
Islam almost deconstructs to Is Lame. Buddhism makes me think of hissing a boo.
Christian makes me think of Chris' chin. Christ is Chris T is Chris Tucker.
Just as Tom Hanks is to thanks. Britney Spears is an anagram for Presbyterians.
China has chin in it, too. The plate tectonics of your kitchen china. North American chi.
Communion sounds sexy. I'll wafer you outside.  Is Mass out? No, but you're shirt's untucked. Sun, the light-hearted heavenly body of christ. Jesus has Zeus in his name, in spanish. Eucharist rearranges to u a christ. Eat a hostess with your host.
I find it interesting that printer and internet have inter in them.
If you speak slytherin, you could be subliminally sinister. Inter- resting IS interesting.
A mosquito is not a little mosque. America has Erica in it. The bay area sounds like bury ya/bearya.
USA is us, you say? The body politic, another corporation. Hello has hell in it. Pillow has p.l.o in it.
The answer to what's up is High. Or, the opposite direction from gravity.
Good morning has mourning in it. And I don't usually think of breakfast as breaking a fast.
The phrase “all right” elicits for me Dostoevsky's quote “without God, all is permitted.”
Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side? He's all right now.
God is love. Without love, is all permitted? And with love, have you lost freedom?
By my count, Freedom has 5 meanings, 5 opposites:
free and enslaved, free and incarcerated, free and busy, free and oppressed, and free and expensive.
Also (addendum: of course, there's Determinism, too; #6) (Dee-bio?)
As the bible says, do you not know that you are not your own?
And, as Alice in Chains sang, if I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead.
That's all folks. Good bye. To God. A dios.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Science of Happiness

there's a (free!) UC BerkeleyX class on this topic online!

I plan on taking it, and creatively putting its insights onto this post!  stay tuned, to be continued!

Coursera has a course in "learning how to learn."  Sounds like a good place to start.  I also want to learn speed reading.  Edx also has classes in Quran and Development, which also sound interesting to me.

the code of contractions

ill, well, shell, hell

maybe worth thinking about:
ill is close to I will (i'll)
we will elicits well (we'll)
shell, she'll
hell, he'll

community and togetherness and companionship and camaraderie create wellness!
(seems to be the message)

The Pope's favorite book, and How to fall in love

From TED, and the NY Times

1)Today, in the NY Times, there was a lengthy article about Pope Francis: In it, is said Bergoglio's favorite book is Manzini's 'The Betrothed' (he's read it at least 3x).   It was published in 1842.  He said it's a good read before one's marriage.  It's not in the Berkeley library system, but I haven't checked out link+ for it, yet.  I'm not sure if it's in English/translated, or only in Spanish (which would be fun, too).  Ah, it's Italian.  "It has been called the most famous and widely read novel of the Italian language".     [1]  Link to wikipedia article about it

2) Mandy Len Catron's TED talk (on love)
God is love!  An excellent talk.

3)the 36 Questions that lead to love:
 the Psychology Today article, with the questions, link.
caveat: falling in love isn't the same as staying in love
love is a choice, made by both, repeatedly, without assurance of reciprocation:
"that's the deal with love" -MLC

Friday, September 18, 2015

Everything I Do (almost)

The last time I did this was as a sophomore at UC Davis, in the dorms:


__ In __ Out
__ welcome! Please knock.

__ online:
  __ news: csmonitor, cnn, wikipedia, huffpo, wapo, berkeleyside
  __ e-mail (jessteshara@yahoo.com)
  __ blog (jesseteshara.blogspot.com)
  __ ted, __ youtube, __ theonion, __ literotica
  __ j!archive, __ quizup, __ wikipedia
  __ khan, __ oyc (open yale courseware), __ uc berkeleyx
  __ okcupid
  __ audio:
       college radio:
       __kalx, __whrb, __wmbr, __wprb, __kcpr, _kzsc, _kdvs, _ kusf
       __krfh, __wxin, __ clave, __wybcx, __ dcr, _ kzsu, _ ksfs, _ wvfi
       __cornell, __ vanderbilt
       __ gdradio.net, __ baroque, __ mormon, __ quran
       __ joe frank, __ philosophy talk
       __ pandora
       __ hearts of space
       __ library cd
       __ audiobook
  __ reading: __ a book, __ paper, ___ magazine
  __ writing
  __ exercising
  __ eating
  __ watching a movie (from library)
  __ nothing

__ do not disturb:
  __ sleeping
  __ napping
  __ reading something really good!
  __ listening to music (headphones)
  __ doing nothing/ meditation
  __ wanking
  __ on the phone/texting
  __ entertaining a guest
  __ making sweet, sweet love

__ kitchen, __ bathroom, __ backyard
__ coffee and pastry: __ peet's, __ starbuck's, __ nearby local cafe
__ daily downtown double: central library/ south branch
     (new york times, economist, foreign affairs) and Y (swim, lift, bike)
__ meals:
  __ free lunch (mcgee church MWF's),
  __ newman, __ all soul's, __ st. mark's, __ st. mary magdalene
  __ monthly BFP (food pantry, friend's church)
  __ getting food: __ trader joe's, __ safeway, __ whole foods
  __ restaurants:
    __ sushi secrets, __ yogurtland, __ deli, __ togo's, __ papa john's,
    __ subway, __ bongo, __ noah's bagels, __ smart alec's,
    __ lox, stock and bagel, __ herbivore, __ saturn cafe, __ ethiopian (on sacramento)
__ shopping:
  __ walgreens, __ orchard, __ goodwill, __ target,
  __ sports basement, __ corner store (brb)__ nearby market
__ gtu library (“holy hill”), __ cal library, __ north branch, __ west branch, __ claremont branch
__ beach, __ park, ___ museum, __ musical venue, __ movie
__ san leandro, __ san francisco, __ fremont (mission san jose), __ south san francisco, __ auburn, __ pacifica
__ oakland: __ SPAP's (Sara, Pierre, Augustus and Poutine), __ Kaiser (group), __ volunteering, __ some restaurant on Piedmont ( __ thai, __ chinese, __ fentons, __ ethiopian)
__ yoga (yttp) (yoga to the people), __ group meditation (shambala)
__ walking, __ biking, __ running

the boxes are for putting in a pushpin.  maybe the printed paper should be placed over a cork board.. and maybe a pinwheel with "will be back in __ minutes" would be good.  and maybe (!) one shouldn't trust people to know where u r and how long you'll be out (!) Also, I staggered the original in sets and subsets, with indentation, which didn't translate into the blog very well.   This is my "freedom matrix" of 115 things (by my count) I can choose from, at any time.  Or, of course, I can do something else, step outside my routine/comfort zone (such as traveling, or finding employment, or meetup groups, or surfing unvisited websites.  Or Actually Surfing.) - but making this list was still a good exercise in Know Thyself.  I've got this list up on the wall in my room, it helps with freedom, I think.  It's hung next to my 2 book-lists.

- p.s. I'm currently reading Terry Pratchett's 'The Last Continent'.

On Evil

a quote, well said (imho)

(that's short for 'in my humble opinion')

"Evil is not a rare virus that a few of us catch. It is a disease that is transmitted in bits and pieces from person to person until it accumulates and overcomes an individual."
 -Natman Schaye

article link

Friday, September 11, 2015


Juxtaposition of Opposites

Good and bad, Virtue and vice, Right and wrong, Kind and cruel, wicked and Helpful
God and devil, Saints and sinners, Angels and monsters, Heaven and hell, Love and hate
sick and Well, Healthy and diseased, Strong and weak, Fit and fat, possessed and Exorcised
Pleasure and pain, Comfort and torture, suffering and Bliss
Joy and sorrow, Happy and sad, Elation and depression
war and Peace, Sex and violence, Creation and destruction, Love and rockets, guns and Roses
Enlightenment and delusion, Truth and lies, Nirvana and false-consciousness, Awake and asleep
life and death, living and dying, alive and dead, beforelife and afterlife, reincarnation and disintegration
temporary and lasting, ephemeral and eternal, always and never, transitory and forever
infinite and nonexistent, being and nothingness, immortality and oblivion

yin and yang, black and white, soft and hard, light and dark, male and female, cold and hot, 0 and 1
republican and democrat, liberal and conservative, red and blue, right and left, moderate and extreme
high and low, up and down, above and below, superior and inferior, top and bottom
victor and vanquished, winner and loser, celebratory champion and dismal defeated, noisy and silent
looking down on and looking up to, condescension and admiration
dominance and submission, gentle or rough, clean and dirty, fast and slow, loud or quiet
respectful and disrespectful, amorous or pugnacious, fuck 'em or fight 'em, overt or covert
inside or outside, alone or communal, subversive or helpful, sacred and profane, courteous and rude
benevolent and malevolent, beneficent and malicious, philanthropic and evil, law-abiding and criminal
appreciative and resentful, real or fake, powerful and powerless, design and chance
pure and diluted, homogeneity and diversity, local and universal, global or parochial
static and dynamic, change or maintaining the status quo, routine and variety, same and different
hot/arid/dry desert and clean/clear/cool swimming pool, scorching heat and biting cold
prepared and unprepared, obtuse and precise, frustration and facilitation, supported and thwarted
infinite and infinitesimal, meaningful and absurd, big and small, huge and tiny, chaos and order
potential and realization, extraordinary and mundane, hero and villain, anarchy and structure

Better and worse, Pleasant and unpleasant, Laudable and heinous, Empathic and sociopathic
Free and enslaved, free and incarcerated, free and busy, free and oppressed, free and expensive
Rich and poor, Wealth and poverty, Affluent and impoverished, The good life and squalor
hungry or Sated, starvation and gluttony, lack and excess, malnutrition and obesity
work and play, leisure and labor, games and real life, virtuality and reality, needy and satisfied
Security and danger, unity and fractiousness, harmony and discord, equanimity and dukkha
Truly you and living a lie, drunk and sober, anxiety and Serenity, Informed and out-of-the-loop
Educated and ignorant, Wise and foolish, Curious and uninterested, retarded and Brilliant
Smart and stupid, Intelligent and dumb, Sharp and dull, Fast and slow, Bright and dim
Insightful and imbecilic, superficial and Penetrating, shallow and deep, probing and incurious
Lovely and horrific, Beauty and ugliness, miraculous and droll, Honor and dishonor
affable and dour, serious and in jest, Helpful and hindering, problem and Solution
Sublime and annoying, apathetic and Inspired, Interesting and boring, bored and Engaged
active and passive, Proactive and reactive, Clarity and confusion, Delicious and disgusting
anguish and Bliss, Hope and despair, synonyms and antonyms, Satisfaction and anhedonia
weird and normal: insane and outsane, sane and unsane, dead and undead, thriving and get a life
isolation and community, antisocial and social, misery and FUN.

alpha and omega, beginning and end, words and Silence!

Thursday, September 10, 2015

All We Ever Do

this just about covers it, I think

(input, output, body)
i- read, watch, listen   (books, mags, paper, tv, movies, websites, radio)
o-write, talk, create     (phone, computer, face to face)
b-eat, exercise, sleep

or, put another way,
eat, drink, piss, shit, wake, sleep, work, play
move yourself around, things around, and ideas around
(body, ideas, things..."bit"coin!)
see, hear, smell, taste, touch (do an "internal diagnostic"!)
breathe: inhale, exhale; suck and blow 

to and fro, hither and yon, here and there, out and about, there and back, up and down, right and left, forward and back (!)

all we ever do is LOGISTICS (move stuff).
punctuated by naps, prayer, meditation (mind maintenance)

a more psychological angle:
happy: food, sex, entertainment, nature, laughter, money, learning/teaching, endorphins, reaching goals/achievement/success, comfort, beauty, love.
unhappiness: pain, suffering, boredom, frustration, sadness, anxiety, danger, sickness, stupidity, ignorance, ugliness, poverty.

JT's recent thoughts

some concepts meriting further investigation

medical terminology:

difference between:
-energy, spirit, mind
-worry, stress, anxiety, fear, panic, paranoia
(feeling unsafe, afraid of future problems with relationships, money, health, etc.)
-psychosis, dissociation, de-realization
(is one a type of another, or a completely different problem?)

getting personal
My dad is in the hospital with a leg infection (cellulitis)
One of my aunts is waiting on the results of a biopsy (update: benign!)
An uncle is battling cancer (leukemia).
Another uncle (and aunt) are moving from their home to a care-facility.
And I, of late, have been (too/painfully) symptomatic.
in other news:
It's my brother's wife's birthday, today: Happy B-day, Liz!
and my friend Jack's birthday, today, too.
Tomorrow (9/11!) is my friend Theresa's birthday.
Go, Virgo!
I just turned 44 on the third.  Hoping it'll be a good year for me.
received giants gear (hat, sweatshirt, tee),
and subway/trader joe's/amc movies gift cards

coping tools:
take a shower, exercise, go for a walk, music, meditate, lie down...
do something different -get into a different frame of mind.
call a friend, be social, get out of your head.

Today's number-
my number: 6
(on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being perfectly healthy/happy)
maybe 6-8.  right now, in the moment, I'm fine (I like writing), but recently has been tough.
i like the idea of a range (for the past week, like the highs and lows of daily temperature)
 my 3 symptoms: head-shocks, chest pains, voice
 (some days, I'd almost say I'm well!)
      other days, my voice might say it (!, lol)

I recently discovered the website www.feelthebern.org
about Bernie Sanders:  Go, Bernie!
I want to read the entire site (it's extensive)
He just had a birthday, too (a fellow Virgo)

I recently read: Soul Music, by Terry Pratchett
His 'The Last Continent' is due back in 3 days
I also have checked out, 2 books by Vaclav Smil (global catastrophes, and made in the usa)
I didn't finish my Mark Twain book.  Maybe I'll check it out again.

also, my aunt Vicki is running for SF Sheriff
she gave me a BD card with a funny picture (a pun) of vices clamping pigs/boars/hogs:
if you're happy and you know it, clamp your hams!
my first thought, though, was: vice pigs
(like miami vice, and the denigrating term for police officers)
SFPD, btw, doesn't have a "vice" department (anymore?).
jesus, the carpenter: did he see something wrong (evil?) with clamps?
i think of Cheney as a "vice" president (kind of evil)

Jesus and linguistics, speaking in tongues, and-
on a related note:
the word "paint" has 4 possible subliminal meanings:
(P ain't, Pa int, Pai NT, and pain T)
-P is the emoticon for ack
-int is intel (intelligence) on pa/dad (hopefully healing)
-pai make me thingk of pai mei from kill bill, and NT makes me think of new testament
-and, of course, pain T makes me think of Jesus (T, the letter, looks like a cross)

other crypto-christian words
words like fixture and tangerine (fix t you are e, t anger in e)
e is the 5th letter, christ was punctured 5x, christ in (my) numerology is 38912 (or 5).

I come from a political family.   (knowledgeable dad, holding court at the dinner table) My dad used to teach:  citizenship in the community, citizenship in the nation, and citizenship in the world merit badges (for the boy scouts of america)

and my mom goes to Catholic Mass every day (her sister is a Sister, i.e. a nun).  She used to be a social worker, and the front desk person at Duggan's Serra Mortuary, and is learning how to give eulogies at Catholic funerals.

today's religion thought:
I am God - like everybody else (I submit).
"Allah" : all a H

the latest "idea of reference"
JLTV is the new "joint light tactical vehicle" for the military, as an improvement on the humvee.
Jesse Lawrence Teshara Victory!! in my head, anyway.
Will I be able to buy one for the streets? prob'ly not, I'm guessing.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

The Panetics of Dukkha

Ugh: negativity, revisited
oh, bother

lack, privation, want, need, destitution, poverty (abject, dire, squalid)
homelessness, hunger, starvation, malnutrition, famine, dehydration
inequality, unmet basic need, bitterness, hardship, difficulty
sickness, illness, disease, affliction, unhealthy, unwell, harm
mentally ill, mad, crazy, insane, psychotic, of unsound mind, nuts, loco
hearing voices, possessed, disturbed, schizophrenic/telepathic, lies
misery, hopelessness, despair, unhappy, discontented, wretched
ire, resentment, enmity, anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury, spite, malice
anguish, sadness, depression, sorrow, regret, grief
pain, suffering, torment, torture, agony, hurt
anxiety, stress, worry, upset, dis-ease, unease, uneasiness
impermanence, emptiness, insubstantiality
dissatisfaction, unsatisfactoriness, flaw, imperfection
vex, irritate, annoy, bother, impatience, rankle, aggravate, gravel
fear, fright, terror, horror, panic, paranoia, sadism, schadenfreude
frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense, meaninglessness
disaster, tragedy, misfortune, calamity, catastrophe, cataclysm
anomie, angst, incarceration, jail, imprisonment, slavery
evil, psychopathic, sociopathic, depraved, diabolical, monster
cruel, unkind, vicious, mean, hurtful, ruthless, inhumane, inhuman
sinful, wicked, criminal, immoral, unethical, corrupt
scum, garbage, trash, vermin, refuse
inferior, subhuman, disgusting, foul
hell, murder, war, injury, destruction, death
atrocity, genocide, holocaust, apocalypse, armageddon, extinction
satan mephistopheles lucifer beelzebub antichrist devil (sml bad)
crime, punishment, justice, karma, capital punishment, oblivion
powerless, victim, vengeance, revenge, merciless, cold
stink, stench, rot, reek, fetor, mephitis
act of God

D is for dukkha
difficulty, distress, dire need, destitution, discomfort, discontent, dis-ease, disease, dehydration, disaster, disgust, disgusting, disappointment, dissatisfaction, depression, disrespect, diabolical, dark, depravity, despair, disturbed, devil, demon, death, decay, decomposition, destruction, damnation.

what is dukkha?  wikipedia link

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Today's Thoughts

Associations and Stream of Consciousness:

Pairs, dyads, couples
Coffee and pastry, luggage and sweater, mom and dad, astros and giants, win and loss, greg and liz, erin and dan, benjamin and augustus (and march baby!), sara and pierre, poutine and marcel, julie and sam, miette and r.crumb, harry potter and riddle/voldemort, fido and taco, pastor taco and quarter pounder with cheese, vegetarian and carnivore, sister and brother, lay and religious, lottery and okcupid, god or devil, rain or shine, compare and contrast, simile and metaphor, opposites and thesis, antithesis, synthesis. Process and dynamic. Synonyms and antonyms. Diction, details, sentence structure. Connotation and denotation. Poetry and prose. Affirm or deny. Just say no. drugs and food. Fasting and slow. Haste and Rush. Breakfast and breaking fast. Morning and mourning. Eat and great, 8 and ate. Foo fighters and food. Die and diet. T and cross. Awake, alive, aware. Arising. “tomorrow is, a new day” -movie x (casablanca?) white house. President and big cheese. Tu and 2. Jesus and president. Two and “the whole office”. Eucharist and you a christ. Body and blood. Bread and wine. Wine or grape juice. Vampire and cannibal. Eat and drink. Hunger and thirst. Need and want. Motivated, dedicated (ooh rah!) get some, be all you can be. Fun and funeral. Laugh and ugh. Ugg boots and Eve and Adams. Original sin and Adia (“we are born innocent”). Gnosis and no sis. Sent and scent. Makes sense. Dime and 49, me (Jesse L Teshara vs. Jesse Teshara (other). JT Snow and Gregor Blanco. So on and so forth, this and that, here and there, hither and yon, to and fro, there and back, back and forth, up and down, forward and backward, front and center, love and rockets, guns and roses, hip hop, rhythm and blues, american telephone and telegraph(!), mci mad crazy insane, happy go lucky, love-bliss and lbj. Agent J (will smith), wwjd. Right! Write rite. Rich-ual. Beet and beat. Beetles and beatles. My one and money. Funny money. Anagrams, candygrams. Acronyms, homonyms. Homeowners, homo sapiens. Chuy, Jesus, Isai. So many names. Take your pic. What's in a name. Moniker, tag, screen name, label. Tidal wave, tsunami. Surf and serfs. Slavery and bdsm. Wage-slaves. Walmart and Walgreens, law and wal. Devil and lived. God and dog. Love and evolution. Stream of consciousness, babbling brook, flow and flowers and flour power, muse and music. Sound mind, sound body, sound of silence, simon and garfunkel, sos, noise annoys. SI lent. St. Ignatius (liturgical seasonings) Catholic garlic. Gar is a fish. Alcoholic and catholic. Associations and ass/so/cia/shuns.
Thoughts and thaw. Mind and mined and mine. Words and letters, war and blood”lett”ing. Mail and male. Phrases and sentences and periods. jail and prison. JLT and jail-time. PRI and Vicente Fox. Mexico and Mejico. “underbelly” . Spic and span. Hispanic and spanish. McLean and cleaning ladies. Los Angeles and the the angels. Fox and 666. numerology and coding. Binary, 0 and 1. on and off. 2 and 666. jesus and beast. Virginia and Maryland.

Courteney cox and The World on Time, pussy cat, richard, cocaine (koch, coke is it), Canada US Mexico, Texas, 6. sects. sax(ophone) blue jays (bj), cops (copulations), Gina. Ballgame. JSM.

Murano (mucus and urine), Shattuck, Winnie the Pooh, krusteaz (crusty), shampoo
shit, shiite, “sacred heart institute of technology”, william shatner, poop deck, message,

synonyms/word sets:
piss, urine, pee, pp, #1, make water, micturate, whiz (wizard, wis-dom/dumb)
(you're in, pissed off, toy let, porcelein throne)
bathroom, restroom, lavatory; urinate, defecate, flatulence, expectorate
shit, crap, dung, poop, pooh, number 2, defecation, excrement, feces
sick, ill, diseased, unwell, unhealthy, afflicted, having a condition
heal, ameliorate, convalesce, improve, get better, get well, remission
diarrhea, vomit, phlegm, mucus, pus, catarrh, coughin'/coffin
bodily fluids: blood, sweat, tears, spit, urine, cum
trash, refuse, garbage, junk, rubbish, basura
respiration, perspiration, inspiration, expiration, suppuration, aspiration

colander, sieve, strainer, (sifter?) plate (in your head, tectonics).
Chew, masticate. Ingest, swallow. Breathe, inhale, exhale, respiration
power strip, surge protecter, power cord
carpet, rug. Couch, sofa. Seat, chair. Picture, photograph, image.

pp, s.a., mt, nme, dk (urine, essay, empty, enemy, decay)

pick it up (baseball, concept), pickup truck
on the road (again), underground, in traffic, congestion, in the road, Rhode scholars.
Crack, groovy, side (wok). Guardin' your garden. (a thieves) fences. (bill) Gates.
Tree (Theresa, comedian, etc.), Lief (erikson) bole (bowl), trunk (elephant, luggage), branch (bank)
twiggy, stem (science technology engineering math) (space time energy matter) Robert (Plant).
Water: wah! To Emergency Room. Sun and Son. Bright and brilliant. Smart and light-hearted.
toe (theory of everything), “stub”

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Republican Debate

the pelican bait fiasco

I don't subscribe to cable tv, so I can't watch the debate at home (or online, apparently, either).

I went to the local bar, but the Giants game is on, and the manager wouldn't put on the debate.
Not that they don't have at least 3 tv's.
and, (here's the ridiculous part):
the waitress thought I asked to watch "The Pelican Debate" (because she's an idiot)

So forget putting the "pub" in re-pub-lican!  I would have bought a beer.  oh, well.
The only one I like is Ben Carson, because he's vegetarian.

...Bill Clinton is apparently vegan these days, too (after his heart surgery),
(and I read Al Gore is, as well)
Is Jon Stewart gonna run?!
walk, maybe.  ha.

I'd like to see Bernie Sanders beat Trump: that would be a blast.
BS over b.s.

Sunday, August 2, 2015


by the numbers

The 6 Waltons on the Forbes 400 List (heirs to Sam & Bud),
Alice, Jim, Rob, Christy (widow of late son, John), Nancy Walton Laurie, and Anne W Kroenke-

have, between them,
more money than 42% of American families (combined!).
that's more than Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, combined, too.
as of 3/5/2014, their amassed fortune was $148.8 billion dollars.

they earn, from dividends alone, twenty-five thousand dollars a minute.  $25,000/minute! That's $1.5 million/hour.
the average income for Walmart workers is $8.81/hour
wow *

There are 11,000+ stores, in 28 countries, under 65 banners.
1/3 of the U.S. population visits their stores every week.
they are the largest overall employer in the U.S., and the biggest in 25 states.  Revenue (in 2009) was $405 Billion dollars.

founded on 7/2/1962
incorporated on 10/31/1969

they give 1 billion dollars to charity every year.

*aside, disclaimer: all info off the internet, data may be wrong or have changed.  still, this is pretty damned insane, don't you think?  $415 every second!!

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Sick and Tired

Tired, Gr

I am tired, so very very tired. It's not easy being God. Everyone is so stupid, annoying, mean, ugly, rude, selfish, cruel. There is not one single presidential candidate I fully support.  And it seems friends are few, sometimes.  And I am not in love with anyone.  But I still love myself. My one true love, me, keeps me going, ever forward, in this retarded world of ignorance, foolishness, and idiocy. I appreciate almost no one else. It's me and my music, my books, and this, my blog. I engage in mental masturbation, and keep myself entertained, busy, occupied. I have an entire library to read, endless music to enjoy, and some money saved up. And I have a voice in my head, a stupid n- vampire who just wants to drain every lost drop of fun from my miserable life. Fuck you, David.

My goal is to become even more Godly; as Godly, in fact, as I can possibly be. I want to fulfill my potential. I want to have a body builder's body, a speed-reader's brain, an encyclopedic memory, and vast stores of knowledge, with which I can regale, teach, amuse, and entertain anyone I should happen to cross paths with. I want to be all I can be. I want to be superhuman. I want to love myself, and maybe love someone else, if I ever get lucky enough to meet a woman who loves me as much as I do. I want to be content, happy, rich, comfortable, amused. Mentally and physically healthy.  Not a tortured or demented soul. I want to be remembered for making a better world, for being in service, for setting an example.

And I want to be good. I'm sick of all this murderous hatred, instigated by the piece of shit n-f- who I have evicted from my head, yet who persists in remaining encamped within, violating my privacy, purposely provoking me to anger and a semi-constant state of irritation, with the voice, not to mention the head-shocks, the chest pains, the teeth-taps, forcing me to a furious state of malice, and lust for a just karmic revenge on this complete asshole. I am sick and tired of it. I have had enough. I want to enjoy life, enjoy being in my own body, and be at peace. But David is the devil (although he's quieted down a bit, lately, and even apologized, whatever that's worth). What can I do? What should I do? He FORCES me to act other than how I would like. I am not a racist or a homophobe. I'm simply sick of him, and I use this language in my head to indicate my disgust. I crave freedom, freedom to be myself, and freedom from psychic intrusion. I am a kind person.

Buddhist teaching instructs me to eschew greed, hatred, and delusion. Greed is attachment, both positive and negative, craving and aversion, like and dislike, love and hate, desire and disgust. I can be at peace, helped by meditation, by simply accepting reality, being “one” with everything, including DAE (that is: David Andrew Eldridge), I guess. But I still have my preferences. If I can't change the world, then I better change myself. But I'm crazy enough to think my radical obstinacy could be effective, worthwhile, helpful – despite the pain. I am a psychic warrior. And I am not the only one. But the goal is paradise, loving life, while alive, which is an achievable and reasonable objective. This clashing of wills is draining, aggravating, often insufferable and intolerable, and I'm basically at the point where I'm thinking 'fuck it, whatever, I give up.' Really, sometimes I think I should just show up at his door with a shotgun - but that's never been me: I suffer in silence, endure; think, write, and hope and pray for peace and comfort and happiness. And of course there's always the hope for an afterlife in heaven, which unfortunately doesn't provide any comfort to me, aside from the presumed absence of suffering inherent in death's eternal Oblivion of non-being. I just don't believe in that ELF shit. No one lives forever. In fact, everything is impermanent: not even a diamond is forever.

And that's where it stands. Everyone dies, and everybody does what they can to fight for what they believe in, getting great pleasure in the suffering of their enemies and antagonists. The alternative is the calm of acceptance, subscribing to the reality of the phrase “all right.” But worshipping the devil is the “left hand path”, which is presumably “all left”, in which everything is WRONG, so murder is acceptable, or just as wrong as anything else, so the only rule is to not get caught (unless you want to!).
As tempting as that may be, that's no way to live, in my book: I'll continue muddling along, with neither everything “all right,” or the horribly depressing opposite philosophy, it's “all wrong.” However:

God is a man of war, vengeance is mine sayeth the lord, there is a time to kill, there is no one who does not sin, the price of sin is death. THOU shalt not kill, but I AM is God (and there are certainly acts of God that wipe out masses of people), and “only God is good.” So be God, be good, and get crackin at whatever makes you happy, before you inevitably die, hopefully without any regrets, having made your own heaven, while alive! And happiness truly is a warm gun (beatles). And I hate everyone, maybe/it seems, so fuck you world, eat my shit, burn in hell, die in hell, rot in hell. Crush the entire world like they were all cockroaches (beetles). Apocalypse now, motherfuckers. Gr.

Dying in hell is torture, of course. But some of you assholes deserve it. The trick is not to deserve it, yourself. So if you must, kill the evil, to make it good. Or kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out (because they all have it coming). There's really no difference. But some people are more evil than others, and deserve it more. And sin is defined by you, God. I am not for evil. I am not a/the devil. Many are better off dead. Many would be better off dead. And society would be better off with many others dead. The devil is in fact God's servant, a part of God, in fact, so you are free to identify with whatever pole of morality, whatever lord of lies, you wish. Because both God and Satan don't exist, like Santa. It's ALL evil. So fuck it, do what thou wilt. Unless it's all good, which only happens if you're in love.

(But maybe killing and love aren't incompatible, anyway. You can love a person, and kill others. I think an awful lot of us are programmed that way). Or maybe it's all good: murder, death, oblivion, incarceration, torture, anything. No, I don't think so. We need a kinder, gentler nation. Oblivion is comparatively heavenly, in relation to torture...but that doesn't make t good. Although, Christianity thinks the crucifixion was a good thing, right? I guess Jesus had it coming. God is love, so if you're in love, you're in God, even if you're an atheist.

So love me, and prevent a holocaust! (not.  but it can be satisfying to think so).  I love me, and so should you. I really am great, believe me! I say I hate everyone, but that's not strictly true, because I love ME. If I ever start hating myself, I could be both homicidal and suicidal, like all those other assholes you read about in the paper every day, exploding themselves for Allah. I sure hope that never happens. Of course, you could love me for offing myself without any collateral damage. But I don't believe suicide is ever the answer. After all, there's always ecstasy, heroin, lsd, 'shrooms, and crack! Or maybe just sex would be sufficient.

Anyway, I may be wrong about hating everybody (I really don't get out all that often). Like soldiers, they seem pretty cool. Devil-dog leathernecks feel the need to “get some”. It's like a legal gang. But I approve only if they don't give a damn, lol. Damnation, literally, is a damned nation. And a nation is a greater family. America rules, America sucks, it's the whole ball of wax. You gotta keep fighting, even when you get back from the front. The front is everywhere. Don't think for an instant that the commander-in-chief wouldn't love to kill many, many Americans. You don't have to submit all your life. Be your own God, and kill your own enemies. That's how I feel right now, (as election season starts up, again). Revenge is sweet. Vengeance is a dish best served cold. DGC.  I'm not actually endorsing criminality:  I'm just saying, I understand (the urge, the need, the temptation).  I'm not a God that cares, but there are plenty of others who do.  It's just that, from my perspective, there's not a whole lot of difference between going to war abroad, and murderous criminality on the streets, back home.  You should either be against both, or tolerate both, according to a consistent ethic.  I like both the idea of hardcore soldiers (on a mission, always and everywhere), as well as peace-loving pacifists (bumper sticker: "I'm already against the next war") (CO's: Conscientious Objectors).  I imagine God as the perfect synthesis of both.

I put myself in the position of being placed in the crosshairs, myself. Whatever. There are worse ways to go. Making a stand and being targeted because of integrity to one's own values is virtuous. I hope to live really, really long, though. My big goal, as of now, is to read thousands of books. I like the idea of being an educated, harmless bookworm (as opposed to a serial killer assassin). It's a great escape, and seems to be a lot less dangerous. I certainly hope so. Back to the books. My current read is The Devil's Race-Track, Mark Twain's Great Dark Writings. I read most of Mark Twain's oeuvre when I was a kid. I've just finished Thunderbolt Kid, by Bill Bryson; Amnesia, by Peter Carey; and Law 101, by Jay M. Feinman. So it goes. Another day, another book.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise

from an email from presidential candidate 
Bernie Sanders:

" The American people understand that our current health care system is not working.

They understand that the profiteering of the pharmaceutical industry and private insurance companies causes the United States to spend more per capita on health care than any other nation, while our life expectancy, infant mortality and preventable deaths outcomes are worse than most other countries. 

We should be spending our money on care and disease prevention, not paper-pushing and debt collection. But the simple truth is that our efforts to eliminate waste and profiteering are endangered by these powerful corporate interests.

A single-payer system will expand employment and lift a major financial weight off of businesses burdened by employee health expenses. And the millions of Americans stuck in jobs they don't like, they would be free to explore more productive opportunities as they desire. 

I am convinced today more than ever before that universal quality health care as a right will eventually become the law of the land. It is the only way forward. "

I agree.  Go, Bernie!
In my opinion, and I go even further- quality healthcare should be a Human Right, free and availabe for Everyone (the Whole Wide World!) 

Single-Payer, btw, is:
Single-payer health care is a system in which the government, rather than private insurers, pays for all health care costs.[1] 
wikipedia article on SPHC, link. 

THIS IS MY 1,000th POST! (if I tabulated correctly) YAY!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Church of Jesse

Church of Jesse:
(really the church of You)

I believe I am God, but I don't want you to worship me -
because I believe everyone is their own God. Worship yourself.
You have the power to create your own heaven, happiness, utopia, while alive.
I am the God of my own world, you of yours.
We share the world, of course, and we should help each other get there..
we could therefore play power games, and pound our chests like gorillas to see who is the alpha, or I could tell you that I am perfect, and you are lowly, and should submit (such as to Allah, Islam means submission) to my will. Which I am totally fine with, by the way, but if you do it, you should do it by choosing to agree with me, because you find my opinions reasonable and compelling, not because of blind obedience or faith in my divinity. But to each his own.

Allah, in fact, and perhaps this is a “spell” elicited by modern linguistic deconstructionism, makes me think of All a H; H is the 8th letter, and the word 'God', in numerology based on the english alphabet, base 10, in which every word corresponds to a number between 1 and 9, sums to 8- so therefore the arabic word for god in english makes me translate the meaning of H as code for God: thus Allah as 'All a God'. 

Vanity of vanities, all is vanity, says the bible.
I am, is God's name, of which I choose the third interpretation.
(1. God is God. 2. the bible is God, (as if the words were alive),
and 3.You (the reader) are God, which includes me, I am God.)
My 'Allah' interpretation includes everyone, not just readers of whatever holy book.
And, as Adi Da said, reasonably I think, “Reality is all the God there ever is.”

So that expands the concept beyond a universe-creator deity from the deep past (an alien life-form?), your more immediate creators (your parents), the bible (the full set of concepts, memes, interpretations, and practice), anyone who claimed godhood in the past in the biblical tradition (such as Jesus), a corporate body of believers such as all of Christianity/the sangha/your particular church, etc. I would add, maybe everyone in your head (all in all is all we are?) as another step in the progression of expanding conceptions of God, or even all of humanity, or everyone of good will (of any and all or even no religion). But reality includes things, animals, stars, empty space, and I think the best concept of God includes everything, not just that fragment of reality with consciousness. After all, people are things, too. And we are animals, of course. Or, in the words of madonna, you're a superstar, yes that's what you are (lol). 2 stars to like: The north star provides direction, and the sun provides warmth. Anyway, the progression culminates in the Universe, which is everything, the All, or what I call the YOU-niverse. Reality may be infinite, but everyone's world, in truth, resides between their ears (which of course includes telepathy, vibes, dreams, memes, communication, prayer, and maybe even computers). We do interpenetrate. The boundaries are indistinct. And our brains each have more neural connections in them than there are atoms in the universe, if I remember correctly. We must create our own virtual reality, a place we enjoy, which is virtuous. We shouldn't exclude those who are suffering, or places that might seem hellish (such as a dungeon, or someone “locked-in” who is paralyzed, or perhaps the inside of a star). We should extinguish our personal suffering, vanquish those who persecute us, separate ourselves from the causes of suffering, and get to the place of loving life, constantly renewing and increasing our affinity, and I find Buddhist doctrine helpful in this regard. Love everything, love everyone, as Dostoevsky said. Love all, serve all, as the hard rock cafe says. Be good! (the entire message of all religions, ever!) Love life!

Peace be with you. 

Hopefully having an open mind, allowing everyone in your head, will create a riotous party, where everybody has a rollicking jolly good time, or at least loses some dukkha, and makes progress toward bliss.

Monday, July 20, 2015

50 Reasons People Kill

50, More or Less- purely theoretical, of course: poor value inculcation; video games, life as a game; hatred, anger, resentment, disgust; it makes them happy, thrill kill, because they're depressed; revenge; believing they're a demon, the devil, evil; believing it's god's will; just to do it, do everything once, see how it feels; they're paid to, a mercenary, an assassin, a soldier, a hitman; geopolitics, national interest, for your country, at war, because the president wants you to, defense; as a favor, for love, for a blunt or two; to not get caught, of a witness; the perfect crime, opportunity, because they can; to be imprisoned, to get off the streets, for shelter; because you like jail; suicidal and homicidal, both; for a political cause, us vs. them; freedom from oppression; kill unbelievers, send them to hell, fatwa/jihad; to make life worth living, to add value, to make a difference (subtract); anomie, meaninglessness, unity with the universe; because you only live once; to be all you can be; because everyone dies; because they're annoying; they lied to you; they victimized you; they're stupid, ignorant, retarded; they're inferior; they were unkind, mean, cruel, thoughtless; kill or be killed, self-defense, pre-emptive self-defense; to do them a favor; to do the world a favor; because they're ugly; best thing for him really, his therapy was going nowhere; to play chess with the police; to play the most dangerous game; because they're sad; because nothing really matters; to stay sharp, for exercise, to mix it up, to vary the m.o.; for food, cannibalism; to end their suffering; to scare society, to feel powerful, to have power; to be the center of attention; for immortality, fame; because some women like dangerous men; to make life come into sharper focus, to come alive, to remember, to feel; because life is shit, life is hell, people suck; because they're tortured, possessed, have demon(s); the voice(s) told them to, madness, schizophrenia, obey!; fuck you, world; because they need to; because they're sick, and stupid; to start a war, revolution, etc.; they're a stone-cold killer, rock and roll, lock and load; mind control, drugs, movies, devil's pawn; epic, biblical rage; delusional, identification with a character/role (e.g. bloodthirsty vampire, blade-runner vs. replicants/robots/androids, neo vs. unreal agents in a matrix program, etc.); businessman "making a killing", a comedian that "killed", banality of evil: murderburger; copycat.

In Sum!

A summertime summation God is One, says the bible. I would also say, since God is love, that God is 2. Unless you're in a threesome. Then God is the trinity. Ha. English alphabet numerology. 26 letters. Each letter is a number from 1 to 9. AJS 1 BKT 2 CLU 3 DMV 4 ENW 5 FOX 6 GPY 7 HQZ 8 IR 9 comprendes tu? Religious numerology father is 4. son is 3. holy is 6. spirit is 1. so holyspirit is 7. so father, son, and holy spirit is 4,3,and 7. Troop 14, rah! Christ is 5, too. Or maybe I should say also. Too is 5. also is 2. Whatever. 3. Sex sums to 3. which makes scents. Jesus sums to 2, as does jew, or beast, or breast. G-D sums to 2. God with sexy number 6 for an O added in to the equation, is 8. 8 Sideways is the symbol for infinity. Numerology is pointless, perhaps -but then again, so is life. Ecclesiastes say all is frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense. Love is 9. JesusChrist is 7. church is 7. Do you understand? What is the meaning of this, anyway? This is 2. Larry or Shawn is 2, too. Okay, sorry. Jesse means 'the whole office' of the eucharist. t.w.o.!!! Eu a christ! U r what u eat (less what you excrete)... Carnivores are death-eaters, to use a Harry Potter term. Thanks, JK Rowling. I'm not the only One. Jesse is 4. like antichrist. Or david. Or al. Or even Four (which is actually 6, lol). I met a Four (ha, metaphor) in jail. My initials are JLT, which evokes jailtime. I served 10 months. Sac County jail, Atascadero State Hospital, and somewhere else, I forget. But esse is latin for being, or eating. So I'm being J. J is the tenth letter. So my name conjurs, say 10. or tennessee. Or jest. The book of numbers is the fourth book. Satan is 11215, which is 10. So maybe Satan is God, cuz they're both 1. Like I said, whatever. Eating satan. Being satan. Both? Gr-ace. If you're gonna be evil, you should at least be evil towards evil. That makes it a form of good, you might say. The dark side turned on itself. The snake swallowing it's tail. But eating satan in the form of eu a christ is hardly effective at ridding the world of evil, no? hm. well maybe it is. I dunno. Maybe I should have faith. Maybe we shit the devil...!!! Get out, you piece of shit! (a further revelation of the mystery of the eucharist) My birthmom is Annette Riddle. A net. Fishing, internet, rid of dull. Arco. My other mom is Peggy Teshara. I think of PG&E and Egypt in relation to that. Her real name is Margaret (r great ma), which she doesn't like, strangely enough. Although dullness is evil, actually. And murder is exciting. Huh. I am God. That's pretty exciting. My blog is my gift. Jesse also means 'God's gift', or 'God makes forget'. That sounds like the gift of forgiveness of sins, to me (and a happy addendum to the law of karma) I don't want to spend my time in hell, staring at the walls of a prison cell. -the police. I don't want to suffer for any one else's sins, either. I'm not Jesus, Satan, Devil, or an angel, good or bad. I'm Jesse. I like to think I'm God, just for fun. Or maybe because I really am. They say I'm crazy. I take olanzapine and risperdal for schizophrenia. That's my diagnosis, anyway. Not sure if that's the reality. In any case, I believe we are all the masters of our own reality, each of us gods of our own private universe. You-niverse. You-topia. You-N. You-nited States. (body politic!) Also, God is only real if he's you, because you are your only reality, no? Reality is all the God there ever is -Adi Da Consciousness is your only reality (your mind, that is, including the subconscious) Our minds interpenetrate, we are a collective organism, with a hive mind. You feel me, dawg? A zen monk said the fundamental delusion of humanity is I am in here, and you are out there- So I AM is God's name, because he's the principle of existence as good. The communal effort to make everyone's life worth living, happy, rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling, pleasant, comfortable, in love, in service, healthy, free of suffering, and enjoyable. Money, perhaps. Money anagrams to 'my one'. God is one! My god. Even if God doesn't exist, we can be happy. Religion is just trying to create a community that helps each other out. I think a community of atheists can be just as godly as a Body of Christ, for example (the body of believers in Jesus, a kind of corporate personhood). Whatever floats your boat, right? (that would probably be water).

Thursday, July 16, 2015


messages in your inbox

welcum.  cum in!  make yourself! (at 'ho m)
mess o' jizz in your in-box
cum pew t' her, missionary position
soft and hard where, hard drive
driven to suck seed
sexy 6.  xxx is 666.  sex sex sex! sucks, socks
beast with 2 backs
animal-style, doggy style, cocker spaniel, cockroach, insex
god is one, dog is neo, pussy cat, eno- ugh.
money- my one
richard, jack, peter
jazz, jay-z
buy, bye, bible
homeowners, homo sapiens, investigation
butt weight, there's more!
assholes, dicks, pussies, cunts, cocksuckers
penetrating insights, thrust of your argument
sects, communion
dumb convict (jail) break
master Bates
sex, excess
ten as binary, one and zero, or I and O (eye owe),
for "in" and "out" , or 1 as penis, and 0 as a hole (vagina, mouth, anus)
get a grip
fill up at ex-on

"united" states, a more perfect "union":
Texas, sex at
floor id duh
mounting a 'ho (montana, idaho)
louis y anna
missus sip P
in Diana
round on both ends, high in the middle
virgin yeah

to be cunt in you'd: please submit (!) whatever I've miss'ed-


a bundle of associations

JJA (June July August)
June 21st, summer solstice
September 3, my birthday, around labor day, often 1st day of school
July 4th, independence day, fireworks
July 26th, dad's birthday, "christmas in  July"!
August 10th, mom's birthday (both leos)
vacation, baseball games, disneyland/great america, cruise ship, etc.
summer camp (scout camps Royaneh, Wente, Oljato)
(family camps Mountain home ranch, camp Mather)
heat, warmth, sunbathing, sunglasses, sunscreen, swimming,
beer, barbeque, water bottle -stay hydrated
summer reading, shakespeare in the park
have fun in the sun, redwoods, thunderbird, diamond R corral, trail rides, canoeing, rowboating

-one who sums, a mathematician, a numerologist, the count
e.g. 'Jess'e=4
-walgreens employee by the name of Summer
-Sumer (Sumeria?)
-and, sadly, the car accident I was in (was it '94?)

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

look good, feel good


daily exercise, constant improvement-

to be proud of my body, to set an example
to feel alive, get those endorphins flowing
to be healthy:
-to use physical health as a springboard to mental health.
to be sexy, and to live long (and prosper!)
to be in superior shape and conditioning.

I am 6'1, and I weigh 210 now.  I am 43 y.o.
I want to look like Rusty Jeffers in 10 years.
I'm wondering if that's even possible, for me
or for a vegetarian.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

(Personal) Update

what's new in my world

Augustus is walking, Benjamin close :).  Poutine, the frenchy, is adorable.  Dinner with SPA on Monday, turkey salad, delicious! Had 2 beers.  Hosed off the high chair outside, lol.  

my (dental) crown fell out, Monday.  lesson: don't eat TJ's ginger chews if you have a crown: sticky!
i have to wait 2 weeks before the next dental appt. to look at it (at the BFC).  The tooth doesn't hurt, but is sensitive with contact.

looking fwd to going to Camp Royaneh on Saturday for the 90th party, with dad and bro.  It's definitely Summer.  And I'll get a t-shirt.

yesterday and today I've been helping my bro (and Jeff) move his office, from SF to Daly City. 
he buys, sells, leases, rents, moves shipping containers (Hutchinson llc).  moving up in the world!  Business is good.  He'll share an office with an immigration lawyer.

I'm having a hard time reading Law 101, by Jay M. Feinman.  I keep preferring listening to music, instead.  It's due tomorrow, in SF.  I renewed it once.  Maybe I can renew it again.  The subtitle is "Everything You Need to Know about American Law" (which is motivation enough to slog through, I think.  definitely cheaper than a year of law school).  I got a good ways into my Nt'l Geo history book, but I've switched to the library books, 'cause they have a deadline.

I have a new roommate, Todd.  Well, housemate.  I'm waiting for a disability bart pass in the mail.  It's been over 45 days since I turned in the application, hopefully should arrive soon.

Sunday, dinner at 801 with M&D, Tom & Jeannine.  People were 'under the weather' last weekend, so the meal was cancelled.  Dad's birthday is coming up. 

I haven't been to the Y in like 2 weeks.  I housesat for 10 days in San Leandro.  I've grown a beard, too.  I ate lots of vegetarian meals (gardein, tofurkey, morningstar, etc.), which were good, but still had a roast beef with guacamole subway sandwich, which I enjoyed.  Will miss Kaiser group today (my being in SF).  Missed 3 weeks in a row, actually: slept in, housesitting, helping Greg.  They're getting a bit repetitive, anyway.

the blog hit 12,345 not too long ago.  Now it's like 500 more (!). Hello Russia!  Hello Redmond!
Yay, followers!  I always appreciate feedback and comments, folks!

I started listening to Insane Clown Posse on youtube.  I may be insane, but those (two) guys are Seriously Weird.   But entertaining.  Not ready to call myself a Juggalo, yet.

Getting serious for a moment, I hope Iran and the U.S. can hammer out that nuclear deal.  I'd be even happier if the U.S. promised to permit Iranian inspectors, too!  Shouldn't it be mutual?  And I wish the world would disarm -I'm thinking of you, Russia (seriously? MORE nukes, really?)

also, I was looking through a friend's role playing game (rpg) book, and it had Levels 1- 4 Cleric spells, which I thought was interesting, and somehow relevant to my blog.  I wasn't into DnD as a kid, but I'm having fun as God, now, making up for lost time.   Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me, as they say.

pronunciation guide:  is it Eye-Ran or E-Ron (!) having a
non-threatening New-klee-er (not Nuke-you-lur) program?

okay, peace out.  Enjoy your Summer, everyone!  Time to go swimming, I think.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Fun with Letters and Numbers

license plate ideas, etc.

OB4I1,U812, A?

oicy 2bu
ybu, imu2.  ur? g
icu, b2
im1, imu2
ibm, imamt
m a1 

a eh
b be
c see
y why
r are
u you
g gee
1 won
2 to, too
8 ate
o oh
4 for
b4 before
cd seedy
6 sex
m am
m mm
t tea
b2 bomber
a1 steak sauce
mt empty

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Possessed Avatar Vessel Slave Robot!

vs. "freely me"

putting the "spirit" in spirituality!
alcohol, getting drunk, sounds vampiric
spear it, penetrating, like a gaze or a penis or a weapon
Jackie Speier, William Shakespeare, and Britney Spears!
spirited, animated (like a cartoon): who are you? who who, who who!
there's someone in my head, but it's not me -p. floyd

inhabited (occasionally? all the time? just when I'm sleeping?) by a Source
(shared consciousness)

(source for dreams, Morpheus)
(dead milkmen: soul rotation)
("we are all one consciousness, experiencing itself subjectively"?) -Bill Hicks
(global telepath? just a sender, just a receiver, or both sending AND receiving?)
("we are programmed to receive") -hotel california, the eagles
(collective unconscious? -Carl Jung) ("hive mind")
(telepathic link to only One, someone with different powers)
-a comic book view of human psychology-
(i'm a million different people from one day to the next...) -bittersweet symphony, the verve

possessed by God?  possession is evil, and therefore de facto from the devil?

thought: possession relates to things.  so if you don't believe in souls, your body is a thing, and can be possessed, by an owner, like a slave, or your mind can be mined, or you can be subject to mind control.  Which compels you to believe in a soul, as the Self, which can be free (as well as go to heaven), I think is the idea.  Which I don't buy.  Telepathy is real, and we are all subject to the laws of psychology, as human animals.  I think we are all mad.  We are only our bodies, and our minds interpenetrate.  "self-possessed" and "myself" are contrary to buddhist "no-self."  But don't believe everything you think.  You are what you make of yourself.   or what others make of you.  I'm not sure what to make of this!  Madness may be the only sanity.

Does the truth set me free?  am I not locked in my own body, in my own mind, or is hell other people.
Maybe some people more than others.   Sartre is misunderstood, they say.  how hellish for him.

The movie Avatar presents an interesting view of possession.  The Hindu understanding of an avatar is an incarnation of a deity descended from heaven, which I guess isn't that different from the movie.  If everybody is God, then the most Godly is "all in all is all we are".  Thanks, Kurt!

"Do you not know that you are not your own?" -new testament, bible
"If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead" -alice in chains, nutshell

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

"Make Believe"

fiction, false, untrue, unreal, imaginary!

What a funny term!
Religion makes things "really real" through repetition and ritual.
So that's why I'm making the term a post on my "God's Blog", always in search of enlightenment, clarity, understanding, and truth!

I guess I should have thought critically about the expression when I heard it as a kid, but I'm only comparing the literal meaning with the expressed meaning now, age 43 (!), after hearing the term as a refrain in a song I just heard on ucla radio.


"suspension of disbelief" is what makes a movie or book or story engaging and virtually real.
and belief in lies makes them operative in the lives of the believers, with real results.
     -do people who believe in and hope for heaven have happier deaths, for example?

we also have to work at making belief in things that are in fact true, too!

true lies
art imitates life, life imitates art.
i have wondered, wandering the library, how much truth, for example, is contained in all the books in the mystery genre.  Are the authors channeling true crime?  Is the process of writing and creativity and inspiration somehow psychic, perhaps? (revealing the hidden, if not as clues, then as exposure of secrets and skeletons, in the entire world's closets, as it were!)

while I'm at it, "believing IN" (something or someone) is a weird expression, too.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


The number of the beast

8 examples:

holy, holy, holy
zoom, zoom, zoom
fox, off, xxx, oxo
foo fighters
sick, sick, sick

I looked it up: there's a Boy Scout troop 666 in Washington, D.C.
the star of david is 6 pointed.  so 3 Israeli flags is kinda beasty, too.

did you crack my code?
holy is 8637, for example.
ain't numerology a kick?

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Making Light of The Dark Side

Lordy lordy!

maybe you're a vampire, a dark angel, a dark agent?
you drink blood when you have a rare steak
when you drink the blood of christ (chris t? Christy? Chris tucker? Chris Topher?)
when you drink the blood of the vine (vinny? Vincent? Vincenzo?)
schadenfreude, taking pleasure in the misfortune of others.
Justice, perhaps. Revenge. Karma.
Servant of God, enforcer of God's law, Punisher.
Pissed off lice. Po-lice. In your hair. All up in your business.
jalapeno bisnatch!

Make an example of someone, vs. being a role model (model, example are synonyms)

Maybe you're not that dark. You are a being of light. A reformed sinner.
A luminous beacon of hope, kindness, caring, and charity.
A lover, not a hater. An angel, a saint, a hero, a friend.
Someone who makes you laugh. A good cook. A freak in the sheets.
Accomplished, respected, talented, good-looking, rich, good-natured, positive, happy. Lucky.

inner demons v. your better nature (your better half?)
everyone is everything
potential and realization!

today's wisdom
people try to piss you off.  maybe police want you to argue/fight: you don't have to "bite".
devilish "fishing" for a reaction-
stay in control.  sense of humor.  kindly.

The God GaME

Get In The Game

what it is:
acquiring god's attributes, becoming god
constant growth, improvement
realizing one's potential
be all that you can be

the god game
creating reality,
making the world better, making the world a better place-
knowledge, wealth, happiness, technology
creativity, admiration, recognition
freedom v. slavery, incarceration, imprisonment
fate, destiny.  defined.  good or bad.  pro and con.  for and against.  accept or reject.
god's slave, omniscience of the best course of action for all, submission to the will of god
pride, self-apotheosis, inheriting the mantle of most-powerful person.
atheistic, star wars force emperor, death and oblivion as the universal fate, all is permitted.

The god game
sorcerer, wizard, jedi, conjuror, the chosen one, lord, messiah, christ, king, emperor, author
creator, sustainer, cupid, lover, journalist, writer, role model, teacher, instructor, professor, guru, sage
buddha, master, sensei, wise one, leader, source, holy one, blessed, sacred
unique, special, supreme, without equal, most holy, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-wise
good, guide, guiding light, god, goddess, great
genetically generous, gentle, genius, genial, genie
gracious, gregarious, grinning; grim, grievous, grieving, grown, angry
ever-present, omnipresent, omnibenevelent, always and everywhere, eternal, unlimited, big
deity, spirit, soul, heart, mind, compassion, mercy, kindness, love,
wisdom, profundity, limitless understanding, enlightenment, oceanic depth, universal truth
magisterial, mysterious, numinous, ineffable, transcendent, regal, royal, most high, exalted
good god!