My Sitch

(Situation)

Money, Money

2020

I walk dogs, and write a blog
I'm a dog walker, and a blog-writer
I have schizophrenia, am schizophrenic

SSA 657/mo x6, 3942

SSI (203.19x4, 209.51 may, 297.56 june), 1319.83

USG (CARES act, stimulus payment), 1200-

WAG (dozen walks, 2020), (397 walks, since 2016)

   245.50 + 127.58 (class action lawsuit settlement payment)

   $373.08

Paypal  (Karen Rose MFT, and Marlen Knusel), $625

    Snoopy (9 walks, all in June), $225

    Kaleb (16 walks, 4 months 2/3/5/6, $400

TOTAL: unearned + earned

$6461.83, + 998.08 = 7459.91

earned, less settlement (625+245.50) = 870.50

BTC, bitcoin, $191-, last checked (around $200)

     (originally, $15 worth, in 2014?), GIFT (from Pierre)

PROPERTY

(c) Phone (128GB iPhone XR)+ verizon, $75/mo.  
    GIFT, both phone and service plan (from Greg, brother)

Computer, MacBook Air,  $650-, purchased in March 2019

Amazon: Echo, Kindle (both purchased with GIFT cards)

books, clothes, etc.

  (heater, (the house does not have heating), 
   fan, ikea armchair ($158 gift), (goodwill) coffee maker, used printer)

   blender, lamp, portable radio (30.56), 
   tv, dvd player, alarm clock, etc.

Expenses (6) 755+40, $795+ (+ food, transportation)
   6: 1.rent + utilities, 750-, 2.wifi, 5-
       amazon (20/16/4) $40-  
       3.news: (kindle) nyt + economist, 4.amzn music service 
       5.food, (untabulated), 6. transportation

Food (I treat to the occasional pizza, bongo burger, or sushi burrito)

  (30lbs overweight, 222), (i bought an 11 lb box of medjool dates, $20)

         I go to food pantry, monthly (3 bags), and get meals at 801, MSJ

         I’ve been trying to eat clean, and less meat.  GNC protein.
          (801 is my parents' house, in SF), (MSJ is Mission San Jose)
         Greg brings me free raisins, from his wife's dad's farm,
          in Fresno, which I sometimes have with my daily 
          oatmeal breakfast.  
Transportation (I don't have a car).  I bike, bart, and bus.
      BBB in the Bay Area, from Berkeley.  
      I have a disability discounted clipper card (loaded with $20-)
            I'm not using Bart much, due to the coronavirus.   

Rent (incl. utilities) $750 (rent ceiling is 774.36)  

          as of 4/20/20, says bkly rent stabiliz board)

    (rooming house, multi-unit property)(under rent control)
$750 Rent /month, 5$ Wifi / month
755 to Edgar each month, 12 residents.  
(8 of us in the house, 3 in the (separate) garage, 1 in the driveway)
shared kitchen, 2 bathrooms (for us 9)

    

1525 Ashby Ave., Berkeley, Ca 94703-2301
11/22/’14, rental agreement;  $500- deposit (returnable)

     $700 12/’14-7/’15;   

     $725 8/’15,  

     $740, 8/’17 -7/‘19, 

     $790, august/sept ’19, 

     $750, 10/ ’19-present)

      ($750, last 9 months) (annual increase limited to 5% +inflation)

      
(20 days in SF, $50/d, 4/25-5/15, 647 Myra, Jeff n Vishi's airbnb+
     I paid $250-, Greg $250, Dad $500)

Portland
      (Might move to PDX; not just to save money/on rent) 

      (PDX is Portland, OR), (on my mind, often)
      my friends Sara, Pierre, Augustus (age 6), +
         and due soon baby (due in August)
         and dogs Banh Mi, and Poutine -
       are moving from their home on SE 38th, to SE Clinton

AMAZON, $40/month (news and music)(kindle and echo): 

   News (NYT, Economist) 19.99/mo, 15.99/mo (starting July 24)
   Music (3.99/mo).
       $ (20/16/4), $39.97/month

Gym, Y, ymca (paused, plan to cancel) 39-/mo 
       (with financial assistance)(Y membership is usually $64)
       Paid to exercise!  Gym cost cancelled.  Goodness, twice.

Clipper card (disability discounted), for Bart/Bus

WORK (dogwalking) expenses (7 main ones)

Poop Bags

Treats

Shoes

Waterproof phone case
Bike maintenance

Hat/Sunscreen

——

FREE resources (for feeling frugal):

Medicare Part A/B (A is Hospital insurance)(B is medical insurance)

BFP (bkly food pantry), 3 bags of groceries/mo
Berkeley Free Clinic, free dental (lottery)

Public library (bkly, oak, sf), tool library, gtu library

Kp meds ($934/year, for 10.40) (1.30 co-pay x 8), almost free

      olanzapine/zyprexa (221-/bottle), risperdal/risperidone (35-/bottle)

      Each bottle is for 100 days (.35/day + 22.10/day) (22.45/day)

      (30 mg olanz, .5 mg risp, nightly), since ?
Kp glasses benefit, too (annual)

YTTP, (yoga to the people) (donation-based)

Free meals (with homeless)

No longer have amazon prime (xmas gift, 2018)
I used to get free haircuts.

Inheritance (monty python says: I'm not dead yet!)

   (lottery? 6 things: repay SSA, fund microloans, 

    help some causes/charities, 

    buy some stuff, travel, and invest.

Calfresh, never applied, have not yet

WF 6/30/2020 (Wells Fargo, Tuesday June 30th)

Checking, 395.74 (-220), 175.74

Savings, 812.07 (recurring transfer, $75- checking to savings)

   (SSA+SSI, 954.56, -Rent/wifi/Amzn, 755+39.97, Net addition of: 159.59)

(monthly transfer, automatic, checking to savings, around 6th of month)

Below poverty line, but not in debt (like x% of Americans)

Poverty line: 12,760 (2020, 1 person, federal, HHS)

Percentage of americans in debt:  23% said they “carry no debt” (77%?)

budget
(rounded, easier) 
(ssa657+ssi298)955 - 795(edgar755+amazon(20/16/4)40) = 160/mo
+870 (dogs), +130 (settlement payment), + 1200 (usg)

BLOG STATS!

Since 2008 (2007, really), about 1600 posts, 
over 225,000 page views, 

most popular post is movies with ‘God’ in title: 12,910 pv's

HS journalism award, I like writing, :-)

   Clarifies thought, informative, possible/potential publishing profit

Andrew Yang, my data has (uncompensated) value?

Button for PayPal donations to God (his bicycle fund), never used!

Fun v, and response-

'You ARE a phd, Jesse'

Post hole digger.  In what? The earth

Journal of Earth Sciences and Systems Engineering

Teshara, as earth (anagram)

Tesla, LArry TEShara.  Earthquakes?  Faults!!

God, "it’s all your fault".   All the praise, and all blame.

Unless, God is only the good.  

And the devil deserves all the disgust.

Is the devil a part of God?  Devil of God, dog!
    kept on a leash!  restricted freedom.  ooh, rah!

KP (Kaiser Permanente)
I have a kp senior advantage medicare/medi-cal plan (hmo snp).  Oh, snap! lol.  (health maintenance organization, special needs program) "medi-medi" plan.
     I just got a message to schedule an appointment with my kp psychiatrist.  I need my blood drawn, too.  The psychiatrist's name is also Jesse.   He thinks I'm crazy to believe I'm a telepath with an attorney in Sacramento I met in college (David, in Davis).  All I have to say is a quote by Hermann Hesse:  "When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."   Anyway, my handwriting has deteriorated.  I think that's a good proxy for my mental health.  But I admit I have control over it.   My vision is getting worse, too.  I have two pair of prescription glasses (reading, distance).  But at least I have a computer (and blog) to communicate clearly, in writing.   I don't want to adjust my meds (zyprexa and risperdal, 30mg and 1/2mg).  Things are good (mostly).   My dad has cancer, though (lymphoma).  I, even though I'm getting better, I think, still experience my four symptoms I've had since forever:  The four symptoms are (head shocks/zaps, chest pains, voice, and (sometimes) teeth-tapping).  I don't think I've been gas-lighted (made to believe I'm going crazy), or am a grifter (petty swindler).   But I do sometimes wonder if not everybody/everyone is actually crazy... It's a mad mad (etc.) world.  But Annette Riddle, my birthmother, I learned in college, is also schizophrenic.  I was schizoaffective before that, and bipolar before that. I officially became disabled in 1993, but I remember hearing a voice and clutching my head in 2nd grade, grammar school, st. Stephen's, in San Francisco, as a youth.  I recently learned my birthfather died at the age of 51.  It's kind of funny that I can say I have 2 dads, or 2 moms, if I want to play around.  God is my uncle, too, lol.   I have an aunt, a Dominican nun, married to Jesus (or is it the church?).

245.50 (wag) + 400 (kaleb)+ 225 (snoops) =870.50/6 =145.08/mo

Less than 2000 in WF checking (175.74) and savings (812.07)
     (987.81), (end of June), (July rent paid)

     July 1: will receive $657- (SSA), and received SSI (297.56)

      987.81+ 954.56 = 1942.37

Assets of  650 (computer), used bicycle, etc.

1200- usg stimulus (doesn’t count), 

           Will there be another one?

Should I have reported my resources over 800, when I got the 1200?
I don't know the difference between r/a/p 
     resources, assets, and (real or personal) property
     (terms used on medi-cal estate recovery program notice)

-Philosophically, perhaps, my primary purpose is politely and and happily picking up pooches’ poop!

-With the nuns, volunteering at their garden at MSJ: weed-whacking, persimmon-picking

(mission San Jose, in Fremont)

Confusion, 6 terms
SSA, SSI, SSDI, SSD, SDI, disability income (state, federal)

Library Slips

I've been collecting my receipts
And I want to throw them away
So here's a (partial) list of what I've been reading

The Best American Short Stories
The Best American Mystery Stories
Complete Stories, by Kurt Vonnegut
The History of Philosophy, by AC Grayling
The Monk of Mokha, by Dave Eggers
Merriam-Webster's Rhyming Dictionary
Norse Mythology
The Better Angels of our Nature, Steven Pinker
Trigger Warning
The Ocean at the End of the Lane
Enlightenment Now
Zen in the Age of Anxiety
One Came Home, Amy Timberlake
Weird-o-pedia
Moby Dick
The Box
What Kind of Creatures are we?, Noam Chomsky
Superbetter, Jane McGonigal
Warp, Lev Grossman
The Year's Best Science Fiction
God, a Human History, Reza Aslan
The Witches Vacuum Cleaner, Terry Pratchett
The War that Saved My Life, Kimberly Brubaker Bradley
The Road to Little Dribling
God Got a Dog, Cynthia Rylant
The Master and Margarita
The Best American Science and Nature
The Brothers Karamazov
Magic for Everybody
Every Trick in the Book
Lucky Breaks
Lucky for Good
The Fall of Gondolin
The Graveyard Book
Interworld
Neverwhere
The Higher Power of Lucky
From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, E.L. Konigsburg
The Best of the Best
The Big Book of Science Fiction
Fragile Things
The Tale of Despereux
Kira-Kira
Surviving the Applewhites
Number the Stars
Caliban's War, James SA Corey
Anansi Boys
American Gods
Trump unveiled: exposing the bigoted billionaire, John K Wilson
The Crossover
Crispin, The Cross of Lead
Dragons at Crumbling Castle
Acceptance
Authority: a novel
Bruce Lee's Fighting Method
Nolo's Encyclopedia of Everyday Law
Religion for Atheists
Parentology
Leviathan Wakes, James SA Corey
Last Stop on Market Street
The Girl Who Drank the Moon
Annihilation
Boy, Snow, Bird - Helen Oyeyemi
Splendors and Glooms
Moon over Manifest
The Spiritual Gift of Madness
Crazy: Notes on and off the Couch
Dead End in Norvelt
Picturepedia
Sisters in Law: How Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg went to the Supreme Court and Changed the World, Linda Hirshman
The Mammoth Book of Humor
Traffic: Why we drive the way we do (and what it says about us), Tom Vanderbilt
5000 Awesome Facts (about everything)
Ripley's Believe it or Not! Unlock the Weird
Berkeley in the 60's (video)
Doll Bones
The Vegetarian: a novel
Insane Clown President: dispatches from the 2016 circus, Matt Taibbi
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the Fates of Human Societies, Jared Diamond
Cuento Mexicanos Contemporáneos
Failed States: the abuse of power and the assault on democracy, Noam Chomsky
Who Rules the World? by Noam Chomsky
Grunt: the curious science of humans at war, Mary Roach
Purity: a novel
At Home: a short history of private life, Bill Bryson
No Place to Hide, Edward Snowden
Between the World and Me, Coates
Hard Choices, Hillary Rodham Clinton
A Blink of the Screen, Terry Pratchett
Atlas Shrugged
the Bible: a biography
The Best Buddhist Writing 2004
The Geography of Madness
Death: an oral history
Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind
The Compass of Zen
Don't Feed the Monkey Mind
Tattoo Masters
El Alquimista: Paolo Coelho
When You Reach Me
Secrets of Shaolin Temple Boxing
Laugh-out-loud jokes, spooky jokes
The Complete Far Side
Barron's Visual Dictionary

going back years, the slips don't have authors, and I was lazy.  sorry.

2020 Earnings

Earned and Unearned Income
January thru June, 2020
3 sources of unearned, 3 earned
unearned: ssa, ssi, stimulus payment
earned: wag, non-wag, and wag settlement payment

Unearned, SSA and SSI
  Social Security Administration
  Supplemental Security Income

SSA
$657.00 usd / month x 6 months :
   $3942-

SSI
$203.19 x 4 (January, February, March, April) = 812.76
$209.51 (May)
$297.56 (June)
------
    $1319.83

SSA+SSI: $5261.83
usg stimulus payment: $1200-
TOTAL (unearned): $6461.83

Earned, Dog-walking
a)Wag! and b)Wag! settlement payment, and c)Non-wag

WAG!
$245.50 (like a dozen walks)
   January, 68.5
   February, 31-
   March, 15-
   April, 0
   May, 68-
   June, 63-

+ 127.58 (Wag! class-action lawsuit settlement payment)
    (Darsey v. Wag Labs, Inc.) member of settlement class
     independent contractor or employee?

Non-wag
$625 (paypal) (25 walks) (1 hour walks, $25/ea)
    Snoopy (for Karen), 9 walks: 6/12,13,14,18,19,20,21,24,25
        all in June: 9 walks, x 25- = $225-
    Kaleb (for Marlen), 16 walks:
         2/3/5/6 (4 months x 100) = $400-

  $245.50
+$127.58
---------
  $373.08 (Wag! total, including settlement payment)
+ $625 (2020 non-wag dog walks, PayPal)
---------
$998.08 (dogwalking, total)(earned income, total)

Unearned Income (6461.83), + Earned Income (998.08)
    = Total Income (7459.91)

excluding stimulus and settlement payments:
(SSA+SSI)+(WAG!+Non-wag)
(3942 +1319.83) +(245.50 +625) = 6132.33
(5261.83) + (870.50) = 6132.33

6132.33 (+ stimulus)
+1200- (CARES Act Economic Impact Payment)
   (coronavirus aid relief and economic security act)
   (usg stimulus payment, Uncle Sam, covid-19)
7332.33

6132.33 (+ settlement)
+127.58 (check in mail, received in May (?) 2020)
6259.91

6132.33 (+ both stimulus, settlement)

+1200, +127.58

7459.91

(SSA+SSI+stimulus)= 6461.83 (unearned)
(SSA+SSI+stimulus)+ (Wag+Non-wag)=7332.33
(SSA+SSI+stimulus)+ (Wag+non-wag+settlement)= 7459.91

Unearned ($6461.83) + Earned ($870.50, or $998.08)  
TTL: $7332.33 (without settlement), or $7459.91 (with)

MONTHLY INCOME
 $7459.91/6 (monthly average) (incl. stimulus/settlement)
    $1243.31/ month
$7332.33/6 (monthly average)(with stimulus, without settlement)
    $1222.05/month
$6259.91/6 (monthly average) (without stimulus, with settlement)
     $1043.31/month
$6132.33/6 (monthly average) (without stimulus or settlement)      
     $1022.05/month
     (earned plus unearned)(ssa,ssi,+wag,non-wag)

$998.08/6 (earned plus settlement)(870.50 +127.58)
     $166.34/ month
$870.50/6 (just 2020 -6 months- earned income, wag+non-wag)
     $145.08/ month

I could just say-
I've earned about a thousand dollars, dog walking, Jan thru June 2020

Those are the averages.   June, the highest month, I earned $388-.
388-  = 63- (Wag), + 100- (Kaleb), + 225 (Snoopy)

SGA (Substantial Gainful Activity), is $1260/month, this year (2020)
That was my SAT score! (570m/690v) :-)

It got kind of convoluted.  Sorry.
It's all for the first 6 months of 2020.  January through June.
There's only 6 numbers you need to know (in USD):
   SSA,            3942-
   SSI,             1319.83
   (5/28) stimulus,     1200-
   Wag!,          245.50
   (3/30) class action lawsuit settlement payment,    127.58
   and non-wag.  625-

The confusion is what is earned income and non-earned income
and what counts/doesn't toward SGA (Substantial Gainful Activity);
I like to do math, and figure things out, but maybe
I should have googled the answers to these questions first,
or called SSA.  But that stresses me:
I'd rather figure things out myself.

Wag! Yearly Income, 2016-2019 (for comparison):
2016, $4629.10 (started in march)
2017, $2216.90
2018, $237.30 (11 walks)
2019, $968-
2020, $245.50  (so far, a/o June)
  TOTAL (for fun): 8296.80 (397 walks), almost 400!

The 2020 tax threshold (right word?) is: $10,400 gross income
(single, under 65) you must file for taxes if
you have made at least $10,400
7/15 is tax day (this year) (extended, usually 4/15)

I can't remember my earnings estimate.  Did I come out over or under?
OU, ME (over, under) (meet, exceed) (SGA 2020 is $1260/month, or more)
That's $15,120 a year.
    I went to the local SSA office not long ago to report increased rent, decreased earnings- but was told they'll call me, or don't worry about it, or something.
So I went home.

Fell On, black days

Felony, Felon, and the Felonious Monk
Helen's melons
fell on, black days - sound garden

17 Questions (Q is the 17th letter)

1. do I have a record?
2. can I see my record?
3. can you print my record?
4. is there a cost?
5. how much?
6. is it called a "rap sheet"?
7. was I a felon?
8. am I still a felon?
9. once a felon, always a felon?
10. can I expunge my record?
11. how do I do that?
12. can I vote?
13. can I do jury duty?
14. can I apologize to the officers?
15. was I ever on probation?
16. am I still on probation?
17. are my rights restored?

I spent 10 months in jail.
I plea-bargained no-contest to, I forget
This was when? around 2003?
Maybe better left forgotten.

I was off meds, psychotic, not eating well, in a dangerous neighborhood, with roommates on drugs, I called my mom a bitch, I thought there were space -aliens nearby, I thought that 2 shocks in my brain meant the destruction of universes (!), a roommate wanted to fight me, and I thought the police would ignore what I said, and recognize reality, and I imagined the (assault and battery?) was just training the police, and wrestling, which I enjoy, a fun thing to do, and in any case I needed to get out of that room and board house, maybe experience jail time because of my dark thinking, and I have become much healthier, since, and so therefore am grateful, in a way, for the way things turned out.   With Sara, living in Cobb and Calistoga, and Berkeley, dog walking, my blog, my own room, good food, and a better relationship with my family.  Satan, get behind me, as they say.  More positive, these days.

A Holy Quest!

Reading

I aspire to read a book/day, in addition to daily History (4 sources), my email, 

   and the news (2 sources).   

The Economist and NYT demand a large chunk of my day.

I want to learn to speed-read.   

I have 3 books that list other books: 

     Harold Bloom’s Western Canon

     501 Must-Read Books

    1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die

I also want to read all the award-winners. 

I have 2 yoga books, 9 masd (martial arts/self defense) books, 8 joke books, a (huge, heavy) trivia collection (on loan), and spanish materials (14), awaiting, as well.

Though for awhile now (over a year), I have been distracted by music, email, news, wikipedia, and history, I’d like to get back in the habit of processing and crunching my way through book lists of recommended literature, award-winners, and my favorite authors.

It would be nice to count all the books, own all the books, and set a schedule, to actually FINISH all the books!  Then I can I sit back, watch tv, and maybe write a book or two of my own :-).   Owning, of course, is not necessary, with libraries and interlibrary loans and the internet.  And things like Kindles.  But having a number quantifying how many books (even better, the number of pages/book!), and an amount of time, I could feel much better about my quest.  Being informed and educated and entertained is an Epic Adventure!

Telepathic Schizophrenia

aka, "voices"
(like Pink Floyd sang, there's someone in my head but it's not me)
then again, prayer is supposedly heard by God.
and the Bible says to pray without ceasing
like Dave letterman said there's no off position to the genius switch
and a Japanese zen monk, Yasutani Roshi (1885-1973), said
    the fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose
       I am here and you are out there

great minds think alike, co-arising, wordless transmission
borg hive mind, collective (un)conscious
intrusion, lack of privacy, schizophrenia, insanity
train of thought, derailed; disordered thinking
morpheus, god of dreams; mind control, hypnosis

I've been hearing 'I can't breathe' for forever.
   go figure

anyway, I write some of them down:

v's
Jesse, you're almost amazing
they meth you may
you ARE working, Jesse
because we know exactly what you do - it's fun
we wanted a tenant, not a machine
that is my squeeze you
you're getting jew electric
jess you're fun and cool
it's crazy how much thought there is, in a lum (sic) session
they know you like to write
it's cool, okay?
jess, you're a genius - you really are
you lead it brilliantly
jess, you're insanely something
I can't take it any more
you're THERE, okay?
you work it, you really do
you're a layer - a layer of a lot
you have all the zoo, Jesse
you're a laugh vector
you may go to caw
you are u.s. attorney, Jesse - I'm laughing
that is your state
we granted an exemption
you are a bit like Rockefeller, Jesse - I'm laughing
I'm fairly confident fairly early that he's Allah (a law?)
we need a break because we know what you are
huh, Jesse
fucking me, getting stupid
if you want, you can army
you're really really cool Jesse, okay?
alright, jesse
that's me, going completely completely completely sad
I'm an abortion, Jesse
all right, we know what you are
that's me laughing, jess
this is me laughing
he knows you're like HL, Jesse
this is me on how really insane you can be
jess, you're really REALLY someone
he is of course you
alright, alright
he knows you're a master again. it's crazy.
hm
oh god (gawd)
you're really really insane jess
you can forget my swallow, Jesse
you're bizarre
you're really sum1 (someone), Jesse
Jesse, he thinks your jew is a cancer

there's a lot more, not included
and a lot more, in other posts
and a lot less recently, compared to some past madness

and it should be known I think they're all from David
(not an imaginary friend) (an actual person, in Sacramento)
a telepath, obviously.  could be considered a guru, or a vampire,
or just a mathematician and lawyer who is difficult to get out of my head.
and someone, in the name of sanity, I want nothing more to do with.
I even wrote a letter to the pope, years ago.  before he died.

Maybe being God isn't so great
I mean, "it's all your fault."
pb, all the praise, and all the blame
All the great stuff people are grateful for...
   (Steven Pinker's book!, better angels of our nature)
   (peace, love, happiness, wealth, health..)
and all the shit like George Floyd's murder
   or the Syrian civil war

narcissism- exaggerated sense of self-importance
   persistent need for admiration
   lack of empathy for others
   excessive pride in achievements
   snobby, disdainful, patronizing
   ppp- grandiosity, and a preoccupation with power and prestige

how can one ever know?  untangle the results of self from others?
mess message messiah, ha
message, ss, sage, age, sag
messiah, hi me ass, (the online anagram server generates 109 for 'messiah')
     same SI H (St. Ignatius, my high school, in SF, has a H floor plan)
     including (ahem sis), (shame is), (has semi), (a he-isms),
      (a mesh is), (a em hiss), (is am she), (mas he is), (a he is ms)

I'm not saying it's all me, or it's all you.
  Maybe it is, though.   I could be wrong.

Am I insanely sane? lol
a piece of work
my life is an open book
sanely insane?  testing 1-2
    what happens when I/you think different?
medicated, dedicated, read what he said, lead
motivated, educated, mentholated
deadhead with bed-head

shock is all in your head
your sex and your dope is all that were fed
so fuck all your protests and put em to bed
  -Marilyn Manson, rock is dead

is this schizophrenic, or just non-normal?
joke: numbers to words: 127.58, A BG, eh? (Bill Gates)
and
words to numbers:
god is in the tv (lyric from rock is dead)
8=8 ('god')=('in the tv')
you grok?
ask me, I'll explain.

(a few more)
v's
you're bizarre, Jesse
you put a LOT of work into your law, Jesse
you're grey, jess- I'm smiling
you might highly drunk him, Jesse
he knows you're up to batting a thousand
that's me smiling - you're well well on
oh god, Jesse
this is me laughing again, how you make it clear
the world is fun like that, Jesse
you're getting my shit together, is why(/Y?)
you ARE amazing, Jesse
your god is were
they're laughing
you're inSANE
I don't know, jess
you're killing him, jess
you're really letter
I want you to seek your law
you work hard at what you are
I can't breathe

Just to show you how I think of these as koans, in a way, take 'I can't breathe' as an example.
They're always at least 2 (if only because the voice could refer to David, or me)(both?)
From David, but in My mind.

I can think of 12 interpretations (!)
1.covid
2.george floyd
3.gagging on cock (bj)
4.stuck inside, can't open windows, stuffy
5.dead
6.sentient, but doesn't breathe (like a computer?)
7.allergies, pollen
8.asthma
9.choking
10.polllution
11.punched in the throat
12.not breathing (properly, in the right way, correctly)
     (i.e. still actually breathing...
     just not like the fitness trainer or boxing coach
     or yoga instructor, or whatever, is telling you)

George Floyd, and George (Harrison) Ford...

a few thoughts

Larry's lair

layers of lawyers, liars, and lou
B for butt, breasts, balls
   B for bactrian, D for dromedary (2 humps and 1!)
   bb, big belly, bodybuilding, broken brain, big brother
       bulging biceps, brilliant brain, blue balls, bad blood
       bernie bro, barry bonds, bb king, bb gun, best buy
   bbbb, bloody black backpack back
   bbb, beach blanket babylon
too much mulch
coin rolls make me think of dime bags and rolling papers
young Jung
rolex and rolodex
bike, books, bank, and bunkum
lazy and crazy ways, amazing, for days
hustle for asshole, unphased by gays
dictator director
unlearned and (reward) unearned
papal people that use paypal
unlocks the door, and walks the floor
memories of mammaries
   memos, memes, and mma
yoga and yogurt
realm of real men
Tariq on a trek
contemn and vilipend
    the dishonorable and dishonest
munificent and beneficent and magnificent
making cents, stop making scents
ubiquitous iniquity, omnipresent presents, thief grief
grievances and ants
grieve at grave, groove at grove
impurity of security, fury of jury
missing kisses
hollow be my name
pitiless hit list, fist missed
callous Alice has malice
they played Thomas Tallis at the palace
the priest invoked both the phallus and the chalice
a few jews queued at the new zoo, too
I knew you were a jew!
exquisite visit!  I had a sublime time.
   said Ron, upon leaving the salon
Juan just yawned, and ate his flan
shout out to the devout - without doubt
you're the bee's knees!
no doubt, you'll rout the lout when you bout
eating dates with dates on dates, on dates
smoking chronic, with a gin and tonic
the pro's and con's of prostitution and the constitution
the secretary has secrets, sucker
the fuss about floss?  tooth loss!  that's the truth, boss
fleas, flies, and the flu
fools that flew foo fighters
bikes, books, and bucks
gazing at gays, a fear of queers (merely rear, dear)
insects in sex, like faggot maggots, or meat-eating beetles
a weird year of beers, jeers, tears, and ear-gear for my lear jet
out of the closet, but in-ept, in-capable, in-competent, and in-sane
snoopy and snapple and I need a haircut (snippy)
signaling I'm single, single and ready to mingle
pringles and no habla ingles
a soft spot for the hard stuff
get out of my head, heart, dreams, bed, room, house
the parents of clarence
the uncle's carbuncle
cold-hearted hotties in hell
wc fields in a wheel chair
retired, retarded, wretched
fever, dry cough, shortness of breath - covid 19
   achy throat, phlegm, runny nose? (something else)
hillary pilloried
cfr: code of federal regulations,
      council on foreign relations, case fatality rate
daily rotation, annual revolution
challenged and changed
mad dogs, like loony Junie, and loopy Snoopy
radio, radio waves, radiation, radioactivity, radio activity (!)
have you ever blinked, with your eyes already closed?
a small smile, a mall mile, a tall tale, a little battle, a brittle rebuttal
just like 'dog years,' will there be 'sentient computer' years? ("squillions!")
rain on the ocean shows God is absurd
what's up? hi! (or high) (high: altitude, on drugs, status, or happy)
   AOTA (all of the above, like God taking cocaine on Everest, lol)
Rumi and RME (recurring monthly expenses)
resume and resume (job history) are two different words, entirely
I just learned that apoplectic, besides being enraged,
     can also mean: internal bleeding
do lives really matter? no lives matter! (j/k)
   channeling my inner voldemort
   matter as substance, bodies: souls are just mind, if that?
     ontological nihilism (nothing exists!)
   or, Metaphysical solipsism is a variety of solipsism.   Based on a philosophy of subjective idealism, metaphysical solipsists maintain that the self is the only existing reality and that all other realities, including the external world and other persons, are representations of that self, and have no independent existence.

daze of the weak
when, Wednesday?
Jamaican Monday, mon
2's day (jesus? beast? jew? couples/parents?)
thurgood marshall's Thursday (or Thor's)
3 days of heat: fry on Friday, satan on Saturday, sun on Sunday!
satyrs, satan, sat (scholastic aptitude test), and saturn day
turd day (Thursday, Saturday), ha
hope you had a nice satan's turd day?!

Larry, there, in his lair
Larry, where? has no hair!
Larry's head is bare, in bed is where
Teshara, there, dead the scare -
dare to care, and stare at the rare pair!
hear! hear! shed no tears, enjoy a beer
and never fear, for a fair mare, is running there
not too clever, well, whatever

and, the difference between Thanks and Thankyou-
S and U, hiss and smile, sad and happy
for what it's worth (they're still the same)
's is possession and s at the end signifies plural
(S can mean Allah, or Satan/Santa, both)
po-zest

Don't Believe The Hype

I'm not trying to be Jesus or anything

I'm God, but then again, so's Everybody, imho
Better than God?  Depends what you think God is.
If God is the universe, well we're all just tiny parts (of Him)
Parts of the system.   A lot of people want to change the system.
I'm just Jesse.   A regular guy.  With a blog.  And a past.
I can't walk on water or heal anyone, as far as I know.
Happy Father's Day.   Happy Juneteenth.
Summer started yesterday, officially.
Have fun in the sun!
Jess

Alphabetical Insults

Shakespeare did it better

from asshole to zero

a short post

these are bad words 

not to be used in polite company 

salty language

asshole, butt-ugly bitch, cracker cunt, dick/dickhead demon/devil, excrement, fat flatulent faggot feces fuck, gaylord gorilla, hole, he who must not be named, ignant ignoramus imbecile idiot, jesus-freak jew,  killer, loser, moron monkey, nutsack, oppressor, pussy pos perv pedophile,  queer queef queen, retard, stupid shit,  twink twat, ugly, vampire, worthless wigger, x-men wannabe,  yellow, zombie zero.

also, puta verga chingar culo pendejo cabron

Heart and Hate

heart is an anagram of hater
hatred has red in it, like blood
    hater pumping hatred
death is an anagram of hated
orgasm is called the "little death"
erections are engorged with blood
   (bj's are vampiric sucking, in a. sense)
vampire is anagram of 'ima perv'
death is d hate (devil's hatred, one interpretation)
heart symbol is combination of m and v
   evokes butt, breasts, delta venus
could be interpreted as hate and love being the same thing (!)
there's love in evolution
heart and hate and heat (she's hot!)

v
you live and you die, that's it
keep it sane, Jesse
you ARE an interesting trip
you're right (write) about a lot
what are you trying to say
it's making me swallow
they know you're (your) law
people don't think like you
he knows you're morally versatile
    (I vacillate between love and hate)
we know you're A program
U and I need a priest
because we hate each other
we are pure spite

DEATH
don (death, oblivion, nullibiety)
dddd (death, demise, decease, departure)
ee (expiry, end)
con (curtains, oblivion, nullibiety)
cop (curtain, oblivion, passing)
queen (quietus, expiry, end, nullibiety)
sex and death (sad?): cop u late
u as a smile, you, universe
pod den
mind your p's and q's (passing, quietus)
    also, performance/quality
            poems/quotes
            pints/quarts

8/ate
eat, drink (ate, tea)
urinate/micturate, defecate
copulate
deth (drink, eat, thirst, hunger), plus a

heroine, get your cruci-fix
(allusion to heroin fix)

penetrating words
constabulary, establishment, stable, instability, stabilize,
contestable, detestable, twistable, mastabas

god bless
less death
b as jesus, lord (life or death)(love or devil)(light or dark)

happy Juneteenth (6/19/1865), slaves in Galveston TX informed of freedom. (but the emancipation proclamation was 9/22/1862, or 1/1/1863)

Teshara is anagram of 'as heart' 'as hater' 'as earth'
dual fools in a cruel duel to rule
plus  
   and who'll clean the school's pool?
   for breakfast, I had cool gruel
   you'll find the jewel tool  on the stool

Disturbed or Well

Grr, ah!  

Gr

Pain.  Physical, excruciating, intolerable, please-kill-me, god help me, make it stop, agony. Misery.  Suffering, physical and psychological.  Anguish, despair, hopelessness.  Torture and torment.  Infliction, schadenfreude, sadistic methods of every kind of cruelty.  Hunger, starvation, malnutrition, disease, madness, screaming, hate, violence, suicide, horror.  Crime and sin and wickedness and depravity and brutality and pure, unadulterated evil.  Hell.  Unending, limitless, radically mad bad and sad, mental illness, mind control, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, enslavement, poverty, threat, malice, injustice, stupidity, alienation, isolation, loneliness, infection, filth, vermin, mosquitoes, incarceration, confinement, apathy, lack of stimulation, sensory deprivation, sleep deprivation, punishment, electric shocks, being ignored and left to die, no love, losing it all, losing your loved ones, losing your mind, losing your possessions, waterboarding, thumbscrews, iron maiden, abacinate, restraints, war, basic needs unmet, no clothes, exposure, giving up, meaninglessness, purposelessness, early and preventable and pointless death.

Ah

Love, pleasure, delicious food, amazing sex, limitless supply of money.  Movies, travel, restaurants, peace, purpose, possibility, meaning, motivation, achievement, reward, recognition, satiety, comfort, bliss, entertainment, libraries, cleanliness, safety, security, satisfaction, joy, warmth, friendship, camaraderie, humor, laughter, contentment, challenge, health, wealth, happiness, improvement, dreams, variety of food, culture, activities.  Fun, games, sports, winning, play, goodness, compassion, kindness, virtue, beneficence, charity, goodwill, respect, sanity, pleasantry, a refreshing swim, relaxing by the fire, good books, intelligent conversation, learning, curiosity, keeping informed, teaching, gratitude, being appreciated, complimented, receiving gifts, good music, endorphins, going to bed tired, awaking refreshed, engagement, no boredom, meditation, contemplation, enlightenment.  Alive!  Making a difference, making the world a better place, conflict resolution, solving problems, mastery, finishing a bucket list, dying well, old, loved, and missed. 

Binary, good and evil, no?

Forgiveness, starting over, every day is a new day, born again, second chances, clean break, new chapter

It boils down to the difference between love-bliss and torture.
also,
I want to reiterate, however, that heaven doesn't have to be any of the ah's: it can be the simple absence of gr.   Not being in hell is an acceptable heaven.   A kind of heaven.  A circle of heaven, if you will.

Hell is the place of the dead, by definition.
But being dead is also an absence of suffering.
So, death/oblivion  is, in fact, both heaven and hell!
(it's really kind of Neither; nullibiety is nothing)

Curiosity, Numbers, Trump

#'s: bean counting and number crunching
curiosity: who what where when why how which

some thoughts on trump
 is a grifter, and a racist, and a rapist, and sick (the glass of water thing!).  the lying, the sheer magnitude, who does that? why?
it's just a show, a game, he's totally unserious about leadership
it's all about image and approval ratings, and the stock market
only I can fix it? what the fuck was that? what a load

He has no respect for nature, so I have no respect for him.

at least he galvanizes.  the Wapo has a running tally of his lies.
and he forces critical thinking, because he's completely untrustworthy

but
he was never a president -
he's just gratifying his ego, trying to feel important, boss everybody around -
but never presidential
let's just ignore him, and then forget him

and celebrate when he's gone
Biden has a team.  Trump is solo.
consensus or diktat
patriot and idiot

my conception of being presidential is, the criteria for being a true president, are:
a) set an example, serve, make the country (and the world) better
b) inspire and unify the citizenry
c) improve, develop, and enrich the country
d) don't be a lying prick

Darth Sidious

Let the hate flow through you

spite, malice, contempt, disdain, disgust
anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury, ire
oppression, repression
justice, malice, revenge, karma
explosion, war, violence, torture
vicious, cruel, brutal, depraved, ruthless, savage

Rotten piece of shit David

Imbecile Mexicans

Fucking cops

Racist sacks of shit, everybody

Retarded fucking soldiers

Insane scumbag rapist Trump

Lousy worthless politicians

Sick ass students

Kop Killing Kuntry

Germy fucking bats

Communist chinese crushers of common citizenry

Corrupt capitalist corporate ceo’s

Fucking motorcyclists, spewing exhaust,  and other pos polluters

Retarded brainless voters

Racist bassists

Cruel fools

Mean scenes

Ugly bugs

Shitty out of shape sitters

Dangerous demons

Worthless white women

Stupid bitches

Rotten republicans

Dumb dems

Hateful hazel

Criminal crap heads 

Sinful shit for brains

Impossibly rotten rug munchers

Fucking faggots

Evil enemies everywhere

Rude rotten rockstars

Hateful humanity

Mad motherfuckers

Uneducated masses

Ignorant imbeciles

Incurious ignant ignoramuses

Fucking fuckhead fucks

Dumb ass dead motherfuckers

Crazy cop killers

I hate you, I hate everybody, get lost, get bent, eat shit and die

Go fuck yourselves

Respect this, you stupid cocksuckers

Livid with lying lawyers

Burn in hell, you criminal cunts

What the fuck is wrong with you people? 

disgust, dismay, degradation, depressed, destroyed by devils

everybody, everywhere, evil and enraged

I'm playin', trippin', buggin'

fo realz, dawg

family homily, dimly

smother the other mother

bothered the father

if I had my druthers, oh brother

sister doesn't exist, pissed

sad and mad and bad

dark side of the force, Jedi on meds

psychotic erotic, clinical medical radical

worthless mirthless birthless 

if you don't have something good to say...

    don't say anything at all

it's all good

mated for expressing irate hate

chess mess

a night of spite

covid death breath

making light of the dark side

satire ire, tumor humor, laughter after (ugh later)

comedian, demon cia, coma dine, cum med ian

silence equals death, speak your mind

feeling alive with hate 

hate feels more real than platitudes of love, sure as hell

no limit, no compunction, no conscience, no love (opposite of god)

free your mind, (ego/superego/id/thanatos/collective unconscious)

atheism, paganism, christian cult derision, agnosticism, etc.

holding all opinions, simultaneously, like a quantum computer

cognitive dissonance, and the test of a first-rate mind

mind mined, it's dark in there, true colors inside, sith (red n black) 

police chess, playing both sides, legal eagles, instigation, incitement

drowned in sound, diet riot, buy it quiet, hating commercials, too

racism fascism, superiority, condescension, righteousness

race chess, devil's gambits, bible sin shaming v. pride

not making any friends, taking stand against the world

bhs, burlingame/berkeley high schools
   butthole surfers, black hole sun, and def jam
defend and de-fund and de-fang
grace, predatory prayer : gr, prey
v's (vampire victim, voices)