Proofs of my being God

1.God is love
love is in peas and chocolate
I eat peas and chocolate
I am what I eat
I am God.

and
God is love
love is a battlefield
my white blood cells are currently doing battle with viruses, bacteria, and such
I am a battlefield
I am love

and
Only God is good
Everyone else is bad.
I am not bad
I am good
I am God.

(Please don't eat me with peas and chocolate, after doing battle. That would be just too much love).
or

2.God is One
One is a number
I'm number 1!
I am God

or

3.God is a man of war
The art of war is deception
God isn't a man of war
I am not a soldier
I am God

or

God is the the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent creator of the universe
and father of Jesus Christ

omniscience
having omniscience means you know everything
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know
I know nothing
Therefore, I don't know that I don't know anything
Therefore, even if I knew everything, I wouldn't know it
Therefore I may be omniscient
(And if I was, would I tell you, and get pestered with questions all day long?)

also
4. to "know" in the biblical sense is to have sex with
if you know everything, you have sex with everything
I have had sex with the universe
the universe is everything
therefore, I know everything

5. omnipotence
omnipotence is the ability/power to do anything
The secret by Rhonda Byrne says I have this power
I know the secret
therefore, I have this power

6. omnipresence
omnipresence applies to both time and space, always and everywhere
I am the matter that comprises me
I am also my mind
The conservation of matter dictates I have always existed, and always will
I have lost my mind
Therefore, my mind is a void
the void permeates all
Therefore, I am omnipresent

7. father of Jesus
Mary was and remained a virgin
Therefore, there was no father
Therefore, Jesus was a male clone of his mother
Therefore, the birth was a miracle
Only God can make a miracle
Given, the proofs above: I made Jesus' birth
Therefore, I fathered Jesus

8. creator of the universe
the universe is infinite
infinity extends both outward and inward (zero to the zero power)
I contain a universe within me
I contain infinite universes within me
I create myself
I am the creator of my universe
universe, like unicycle, could mean "one verse"
just like infinity could mean infinite e or infinite t.
there is infinite e.t. (extraterrestrial) in one verse.
All is vanity (frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense).
I am is God
Am I God?
I am.