Vampires are a type of undead (along with zombies, ghosts, and those in an afterlife, whether hellions or the heavenly host). They suck. They subsist on the blood of the living. They only come out at night. They turn to dust in direct sunlight. They are averse to garlic and crosses or crucifixes. They can only be killed by a stake through the heart. They bite the necks of sleeping humans, but also have been known to drink from wrists. The word ‘vampire’ can be rearranged as I’M A PERV. Gay vampires suck (bloody) cock. A vamp is a part of a shoe, or a sexually predatory woman. Vamping is a musical term. Vampires sleep during the day in their coffins or sarcophaguses. They are immortal. It is said they can turn into bats or wolves. New vampires are made, not begotten. They have fangs (eye-teeth). They are supernaturally strong and fast. They are hunted by vampire-slayers. They are demons. Predators. Evil. You don’t want to be a vampire. You don’t want to cross paths with a vampire. They will almost certainly kill you. Lock your windows and doors at night. They are bad news.
If you must drink blood, drink the blood of Christ. Go to a Catholic Mass, where the wine (or grape juice) is transubstantiated into the ichor of Jesus, our lord and savior, who died for your sins, and who is the way, the truth, and the life. He will protect you from evil and sin. You will live forever in heaven, after you die, with saints and angels, and not live as an animated corpse, hated by all, as a hunted demon, down here on this cursed earth.
Vampires, or vampyr, can control your mind, the weather, and animals. They are bloodthirsty. They cause wars and destruction, and thrive on chaos, mayhem, anarchy, and bloodshed. As nocturnal criminals, who assault, murder, and desecrate nightly, they gain experience, sometimes thousands of years worth, in the dark arts required to victimize their prey. Their mastery of psychology, mind control, dreams, hypnosis, and persuasion are legendary. They know how to dominate, fight, inflict pain, manipulate, torture, and kill. They can be extraordinarily powerful. Not only do they influence individuals, but they also sway nations. Not only do they inflict serial killings and mass murders, but they also create war, dictating the course of history itself. They are often musicians, actors, politicians, psychiatrists, and even priests, known to be greatly charismatic, and are often loved and admired members of society. The ancient ones are immune to sunlight, and need no sleep.
At Halloween, they are free to roam the streets, undisguised. You eat candy, they eat you. Exsanguination / hematophagy (blood drinking) is sometimes accompanied by consumption of your tissue and flesh (cannibalism). They will devour anyone they can, given the opportunity. Life is a great feast for these carnivores, who live at the very top of the food chain. If you get drunk, you might get drunk. Giving yourself to your lover might be exposing your vulnerable neck’s artery to the finality of a paralyzing mortal bite. Your sweetheart, your honey, could become the actual flavor of the week. Psychic vampires can be draining, but the true vampires will drink you dry. These are human ticks, leeches, mosquitoes. They are both subhuman and superhuman. Vampire bats drink blood, too. And there are squid in the deep ocean who are named vampirotoothis. Both of these animals are a warning, danger! For the love of God, stay away from my namesakes, the real thing! Evil incarnate will drink you dry, and spit out the bones, and that will be the end of you. Your fear of the dark is well-placed. Creatures of the night prowl the streets. Murderers and cut-throats assume many forms. Death awaits. Sleep tight.
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