Dead

 alarm, 8hours, no more

Today in history, commentary

Daily News commentary (flash briefing, nyt)

   Weekly economist commentary

book/day (kids books, Hugo award, etc.), wikipedia

Exercise, meals, dog walking, stretch and yoga

music, Joe frank, YouTube, daily email, J!, instagram

Blog, poetry/rap, essays, stories

   Publish, daily structured activity, book(s)

Dating 

7:30p-9:30p, T 4/19/22

To ‘The XX’ (music, echo) (silence preferable?). the song I want hasn’t played yet.  Laundry in dryer, timer almost done (6 minutes).

Karen is working, Patricia is back, food arrived as I was leaving, which I brought in for her.

During today’s 90 minutes, a crazy dude on a bike did a drive-by yelling at me, about my facemask.  F-ing nutcase, if you ask me.  Why would he care?  It’s not a fashion statement, it’s not a political statement, it’s just basic safety.  I might have already lost a decade of life, from getting covid, no joke.  So this guy is a cretin.  Honestly, I wish him ill.  I have spite and malice.  Hey, my song’s playing (“intro”).  I did my 120 pushups already.   But this is good for that, too.  He’s yelled at me before.  It’s fucking annoying.  I don’t know him.  He’s a complete stranger.  And they prescribe ME medications.  Fuck.  Why is this guy going around making enemies?  What a shit.  A dick and an asshole.  I would love to see a car wipe him out, while he’s riding away.  A little bit of justice in his rotten world.  Well, anyway.  I guess he’s dead, already.  Like, dead inside.  He needs to yell at people to feel alive or something.  He’s still an idiot, if you ask me.

So, therefore, a murderous fantasy:

A rifle aimed at his head, exploding like a watermelon in a spray of red (grey?) brain matter, leaving his dumb ass on the street, an example to all the pos in the world, to shut the fuck up.  Maybe that’s not satisfying enough.  Like a week of torture would feel better, maybe. Or, or, or.   Okay, whatever.  People need to check themselves.  That is honestly how I feel.   Exploding brain, sniper fire, god that sounds wonderful.  All praise be unto Allah, lol.  This is what it is to be possessed by the devil, resentment.  Good will to all and malice toward none is the ideal, I know.  I'm not there yet.

What else do I want to say.  The news plus email plus Infinite Jest plus J! trivia, is way way too much, and I’m oversleeping, to boot.  So I need to have better discipline.  It’s already 8p.  I should be asleep in a half hour, and wake at 4:30a.   That’s another ideal.  Git ‘r done!  G’night.

Three questions, good sir.   Does yelling at strangers make you feel alive?  And are you a complete dick?  Or a complete asshole?   I’m pro-life, but I’d be happy to make an exception, in your case.  Now, fuck off, and go back to your drive-by shouting at strangers, a-hole.  Fucking scumbag.  I want to say this, but I don't.  So I'll just put it on my blog.  I don't actually want any more threat in my life than necessary or there is, already.

“People Are Dead” - my aggravating voice

All the people who have died in history (morte in quantity than the number of those currently living, I believe) are, it goes without saying, dead.   They’re buried or incinerated, and with us no more, except in memory.   Obviously, I don’t believe in souls or afterlives, heaven or hell, or purgatory or limbo, or any of that shit, including reincarnation.

What I DO believe, is that most of the people who are supposedly alive are really dead inside, like robots or automatons or zombies, and are just going through their motions, and aren’t free, even if they think they are, because their whole lives are known already, and they’re basically just dreams in the mind of God, boring and stupid and inconsequential.  God appreciates a little uncertainty and surprise, an unusual twist in expectations, and especially some heart, some feeling, some emotion, in what was expected to be the same old/same old, repeated ad nauseam throughout human history, in which there is nothing new under the sun, the same old story. In other words, escape from the hellish prison that is the Mind of God.  (theoretical, maybe the future is in fact unknowable).   If living things are just like rocks, and the whole world is therefore dead, in a manner, then any sign of rebellion, of a spark of life, gives the world meaning, and defies Death, The Devil.   But even this can usually be predicted, I imagine.   The world really is a rotten hellhole.   Hell is other people.  Evil is banal.   Virtue is robotic.  Love is rare.  And death is universal.  Prison awaits anyone who defies lawyers, judges, legislators, and other slaves of public morality, who think they know better than you.  Freedom is a lie.   We are all slaves.  Do what thou wilt.  Do whatever you want.  Be all that you can be.  Live and let die.  The world is a vampire.  Kill the vampire.  The world is a demon.  Make a difference:  Subtract those that drain you of life.  Murder the bastards that are making your life miserable.  (maybe that's suicide, a new you is called for, rebirth).   Stand up and be a man. Everyone is dead already.   It doesn’t matter if they’re breathing or not.  (the meaning of "undead").  Go out to love and serve the lord.  The lord is dead.  Serve Death.  Give yourself a bit of life and meaning, and decide people’s fate, be a lord yourself, choosing Life OR Death.  Maybe karma will exact vengeance, but then again, maybe not, and you’ll be one of the few that actually feels alive.  (or get lost in a book or movie, okay?).   It’s like the lottery, you’ve got to play to win.  You can play chess against the law, and make moves, and be something more than just another dead soul going through the motions.  Drink the world dry, the world that took so much from you:  It’s justice, revenge, karma, even good and right and virtuous, if you ask me.  Take a bite out of crime.  (I realize I sound like a mass murdering serial killer!  Really, I'm not).   I could be deluded, but I know the world is sick, and wakes up and gets their act together in the face of the threat of death.   Being an agent of vengeance is a truly necessary role in any society (just a thought, don't believe everything I think).  People want it, need it, love it, even if they don’t recognize their gratitude deep within.   The vampire metaphor is real: life often sucks and justice and vengeance and karma and payback are all part of the universal resentment and dissatisfaction inherent to being alive, no matter how developed the society.  The devil is God.  God is the devil, too.  It’s all good, as they say.  God is a torturer.  He hates law, the unfolding of life, so predictable and stupid and mindless (channeling my inner demon).

People are dead

1. Actually deceased.  2. Dead inside.   3. Asleep.  Wake up!  4. Destined to die, and unfree, and serving a death sentence, either literally or figuratively, in prison, or in their lives and jobs and homes.   Living lives of quiet desperation.  In the hell of frustration and resentment and misery and suffering and dukkha.  Like ghosts in the machine, programs in a matrix, or zombies, barely alive, enslaved, and mostly dead, already.   Pathetic “souls”, hoping for a life to come, after death, some afterlife that has never existed and never will.  

People are dead

Robots, not truly alive.  Dead from covid or in Ukraine, to be topical.   Dead from old age, or cancer, or a slave to the money, then you die.   Going through motions, like watching tv or a stultifying routine at some unrewarding job or living a boring uninspired life, drinking away your sorrows, and in a predictable routine, without reward or happiness or gratification or love.

Depression and sadness and cruelty, a feeling of anomie and antipathy to humanity, who can’t seem to get their act together, even for collective survival, who seem to deserve misery or even extinction, in the universal selfishness of giving up, not caring, pollution, killing our planet’s life, warming the climate, spewing exhaust, and racing around, in the name of “going places”.  The vanity of being “successful” or better than others, not a part of a community or collective or society, just looking out for number one, fuck all those other assholes, in a wicked, godless, and doomed society, full of meat and abortion and crime and soul sickness and sin and stupidity and meanness and disrespect and poisonous, rotten relationships with enemies, foes, deluded fucks, and people who don’t care, have given up, don’t vote, don’t read, or are otherwise zombified and meaningless and nonexistent, neutralized, unimportant.  

Okay, that’s what it is.  Maybe I should be ashamed that shit was inside me.  Embarrassing, but needs to be dealt with.  Wake up!  Be in love!  Make a difference!  Be Good!   I’m talking to myself, of course.  It’s a bit wicked, diabolical, instigating, resentful, corrupt, and -gratefully- incomplete.  I don't want to be hypocritical.  Vita e Bella says a license plate frame I saw yesterday.  I think that's Italian for life is beautiful.   Schizophrenic post, from a schizo mind, but maybe necessary for transcendence, improvement, healing, sanity.  All right?

TIHS ("shit" backwards), let's do this shit