Moi

Me, Myself, and I

ME

Hello.  My name is Jesse.  Hola.  Me llamo Chuy.  

I am Jesus.  I am chewy.  I am hey Zeus.  I am Chewbacca?

I am a man.  I am white.  Well part of my eyes are white, anyway.

I was raised Catholic.  I am a Democrat.  I am pro-life.

I am 6’2’’, 230 pounds, brown hair, blue eyes, born 9/03/1971 (50 y.o.)

I grew up in San Francisco, went to St. Stephen’s and St. Ignatius

I was adopted.  My birth family contacted me while I was a sophomore in college.

I was an International Relations (I.R.) major in college (UCD), minoring in Spanish.

S.S. grammar school (grades 1-8), and SI “college preparatory” (high school, 9-12)

MYSELF

At UC Davis (University of California at Davis) I played intramural sports

   (floor hockey, and ultimate frisbee), and played recreational basketball,

And swam laps in a pool, took PE classes in racquetball, tennis, weight lifting, and jiu jitsu

I also spent some time at an Aikido dojo.    I went white water rafting with Outdoor Adventures, down the South Fork of the American River.   I took an experimental college class in massage.

I played some ping pong and biked with the bike team a little.  I joined a health club.  

I

I am an Eagle Scout.  I won the Boston college book award, and the Journalism Award.

I was mayor of San Francisco for a day.  I got a 1260 on my SAT.  99th percentile, verbal.  I earned a UCBerkeley alumni scholarship (but went to UCD).  A year on staff at BSA summer camp, I won Most Spirited.  I was my high school yearbook editor-in-chief.  I ran track, and cross country.   And I was in the Service Club.  I worked at the pool, the canoe base, COPE, commissioner, scout craft, and rifle range.  I taught tote n’ chip, and hiking skill award.  I was little Zeke, and king Cairn.

No-Self

I am none of these things?  Not permanently, anyway

I am not my name.  I am not the Eucharist.  I am 50 years young. 

I am a body.   I like my body.   I want to improve my body.  

I want to look better and be healthier and feel alive

GOD

love, good, one, a man of war

God loves all, himself, and even those who hate him

God loves love, loving, being loved

Agape, Philia, Eros, and anything else you can think of 

Well, not rape, incest, pedophilia, bestiality, homosexuality, though

Come again?  Homosexuality, as in homosex

Masturbation is a homosexual relationship with yourself! ha

God loves making babies, making love

   - consensual, heterosexual, adult, marital, procreative sex

okay, champs?  pervs are losers; be a winner

Loving-kindness, love-bliss, love that fits like a glove

Who am I to judge? Says the pope

You’re the fucking pope, says God 

Then again, the rainbow is a sign of hope, in the Bible

appropriated by the LGBTQI community

and maybe God likes less overpopulation, too

  (or even just plain less population)

also, god is a man of war, and war is the art of deception

the truth remains a sacred mystery

do what feels good?  do nothing?

doing what you're not supposed to do also has its thrill

allowed, a loud;  permission, a prrr mission (go cats)

Louis CK is God, lol

On and on

Carry on

What?

What’s on?  Old Norse

Carry the cross?  Carry Jesus?  Old news

    Old news and a new olds

ON, Oliver North, Old Navy, Or Nothing

Bm

Boring myself

Jest, Jess T, Jesse Teshara, Jesse Lawrence Teshara

There are two Jesse Tesharas

   I shit you not

Spit shit on a tit (ew, gross)

So anyway, jest, digest, ingest, egest, suggest, gestation…

A jess is.a strap for the bird’s leg in falconry

Jessant is issuing forth (e.g. as a blade of grass)

Joss Whedon and Jussie Smollett and Tennessee

Jass is a cardgame (i’ve never played)

   A former name for jazz music

J-Z, Jesse, geezy, Josie, Jose, juicy J

Jews and jooz, choose your ooze

jews in the news, uzis and joozy

Oohs and ahhs 

Jaws and Oz

Fleas, flies, flows, flaws

flu, flue, flew, floo 

I am God.  I am a mere mortal.  There is no eternal life.  God is something different than what most people think.   I know what most people think, I’m God.  Are you like most people?  Most people think God is in the sky.   Like, if you think about it, a space alien in the heavens.  Either flying around in a ufo, or on his/her/its home planet.  The heavens, if you think about it, can be either singular or plural.  And earth can be in the heavens.   That is, one of them.  Like, if you’re on heroin, won the lottery, are in love, are a player on a winning team, or are satiated from a truly perfect meal.  Or, sex.  Maybe you can think of other things, like finishing a bucket list, or writing a book, or delivering a baby, or getting a tan, or a high from surfing, or savagely beating an enemy, or waking up refreshed, or taking a hot shower, or getting lost in a book, or seeing a stunning performance, etc.  I DO believe there must be some space aliens, but I’m not about to attribute God status to (one of) them.  Heaven is a psychological state, not a place.  Space, in fact, is inhospitable, and boring, and not very heavenly.  You can train your mind to be happy almost anywhere, though.  The exception would be hell.   Everybody has their own personal hell, their own personal jesus, their own separate mind.   There are fun and amazing dreams - and also nightmares.  God knows you.  Mind is mined.  I am not that God.  I live in MY mind, alone.  But I still assume most of what I think originates externally.  If there’s a single source, that would be my God.  That’s like Father and Son, both telepaths, in each other’s heads.   Everybody else is an amalgamated Holy Spirit, is how the godly psyche operates, the Mind of God.   Morpheus generates detailed imagery and dreams, like spells.  TV and movies (and books) get their inspiration from this stunningly visual eidetic genius telepath.  And mathematician.  And natural psychologist.  I think he thinks of himself as a vampire.  Life is interesting, even if he’s mostly annoying. Sever the connection. Adrift in a sea of separate consciousnesses, a closer approximation of reality, I gather.   Being God isn’t that big a deal.  Just another role to play.  Like a Father.   Some of us are more Godly than others.   Some people’s Gods aren’t other people’s Gods.   Atheism is a path to God.  So who cares!

You become what you hate - old yoga maxim

David, d.d.s.  (die, disconnect, or shut up!!!)

Death

A writing meditation.

I will cease.  Personal life functions will end.  I will be no more.  No longer.  No mas.  I will be expired, deceased, finished, gone, over, done.  No do-overs.  No second-chances.  Ideally, no regrets.  Inspiration, respiration, perspiration…expiration.   My blog may outlive me.  Some will remember me.  They will all die, too.   I will fade away into obscurity and oblivion.   Always and forever, nihility, dust, scattered to the four winds, forgotten, meaningless, trivial, unimportant, just another bipedal carbon based life form, on planet earth, extinct.   The internet might disappear too.  Nothing lasts forever.  No one lives forever.  Even diamonds aren’t forever.  Impermanence is a universal truth.  Like bubbles.  We’re here, then gone.  Pop! No more living: no more meals, sex, movies, dreaming, books, conversations, blogging, thinking, writing, talking, doing, saying, nothing.  It won’t be black.  My mind won’t be blank.  It won’t even be silent.  I won’t have ears or a brain or eyes.  Worms will eat me.  My corpse will stink, and rot.  Putrefaction and rigor mortis.   I will be a cadaver.  My body will merge with the soil.  I will become plant food, nutrients.  My flesh and blood will probably be in a coffin, under a gravestone, in a cemetary, wherever I choose.   I haven’t made out a will.  The Davis cemetery is peaceful.  I also like the Roseville cemetery.   All cemeteries will be (non-) experienced the same.  It doesn’t matter.  Let the dead bury the dead.  I won’t worry a whit.   I might like to craft a witty epitaph.  Like spraypaint or tagging or graffiti.   Every book in the library is an epitaph, when you think about it.  Defunct.  Destroyed.   Disintegrated.  Dust and dirt and decay.   Demolished and devoured by time.  Just a dream, god’s dream, a self-hallucination.   No enduring soul or atman or essence or anything.  Just one with the universe, for eternity, like you were before you were conceived, already.  Mindless.   Thoughtless.  Vacant.  Infinity, mortality, nihility, nothingness, nonexistence, nonbeing, unbeing, absence, void, zero, zilch, bupkis.  Nothing, nothing at all.   Nullibiety.  A skeleton, just bones, and eventually, not even that.  A loss of life, soul, vida loca, animation, spirit, verve, vitality.   The life in my gut will also die.  All life dies.  We’re all in the same boat.  You don’t have to grok infinity, or the ungrokkable, you just have to know that you won’t wake up.  Abandon hope.  Immortality is hopeless.  A pipe dream.  Up in smoke.  Death is personified as the Grim Reaper.   Time reaps all.  Your number will come up.  You can live in any way you choose.   Oblivion grants license.  Death bequeaths freedom.  In your mind, you are yourself, no matter what you do, no matter what the consequences, all things are permitted.  It all comes to the same thing.  Poof!  Presto, you’re disappeared.  Sturm und drang, shout, make some noise, wave your arms around, get busy, do your bucket list, live!  You only get one life.   Well, you can wake up tomorrow refreshed, and consider yourself “born again” but you know what I mean.  After 100 and some odd years, all that cellular replication will catch up with you.  Destiny, fate, unavoidable, unpreventable, ineluctable, unstoppable.  Do what thou wilt.  Make the world a better place.   It’s already pretty damned good, if you ask me.  But take a moment and give yourself agency and control over what you want to do with this limited time you’re given, so to speak.   A legacy, a memory.   Like throwing a stone in a lake, making waves, rippling outward, sinking down to the murky depths.  Death, depth, meth, debt, beth, Seth, opeth, breath, weather, leather, heather, oh brother.   D eat H.   Smile, eat forever!   Worm food.  Maggots.  Flies.  Plant food.  Nutrient cycle.  Ecology.  Becoming a part of mother earth.  The grave, the hole, the mouth, swallowing you up.  We just basically move around our entire lives, talking and walking stones.   Death isn’t as big a transition as you think!  We’re already living things, and things are dead as a doornail.  Dead dad.  Did Dodd dud? Dude died.  Miami-Dade.   Deeds and dirty deeds, dirty mind, dirty socks, dirty dirt.   The dirt on darth.  Siddartha says, the buddha says, open your eyes, and look within.   Look without.   See what you will be without eyes.   Without anything, no possessions, not even a body.  Human words and brains allow us to contemplate our futures, the universe, eternity, destiny.  Enjoy life.  Enjoy death.   Enjoy dying.  I mean, you can’t fight it.  So go with the flow.  Om.  Be one with the stream of consciousness, mindstream, emptiness, no-self, hourglass, bubbles, cut flowers, waking up, one day closer to death.   So make life fun, right?  Don’t be a dick!

LSD:  Late!  don't be late.  a Stiff drink.  Death by chocolate (for a diabetic).   "An ex-parrot!"  (post-human!  afterburner, después despair), Manute Bol, hardly minute, played ball, minute balls, BOL : bereft of life, spirits (drinking the dead?), alcohol, I'll kill, haul into the alcove, alpo in the hall, drinking a Sol beer (soul?), drinking the scotch?, drinking a bier?,  red wine as blood, sangria as sangre, vampire brand wine, bloody mary, death breath, kiss of death, (blood) red lipstick, the fang thang, reality bites.  death has eat in it.  (Death, hated, d heat, the ad, T head) G-D, God, getting drunk (blood of christ, ichor, icky)

Babylon

God Babble

Intro

By God, about god, for god, this is meant to be good, godly, great, deific, and divine; holy, pure, sacred, blessed, sanctified, loving, beautiful, true.  The inspired word of God, in fact.  A scripture for any and all religions, fresh and new and modern.  God doesn’t exist, except in our minds, as a kind of virtual reality, a conscience, a better self, our better angel, and as a role to play, like a priest, holy father, or any adult who wants to be good, to serve, to be a role model, or set an example.  Morality, ethics, virtue, kindness, compassion, charity, service, effort, mercy, forgiveness, good will, equanimity, love-bliss, joy, these are some ingredients in the god-stew.  If you’re one with the universe, it’s all good.  Even crime, torture, sin, wickedness, depravity, corruption, war, hate.  It’s all authentically human, and should be embraced.  God and Devil, angels and demons, saints and sinners, love and hate, are part of feeling alive, being real, playing the game, being fully human.  You can refuse to participate and become a monk, for example, and withdraw from the world.  You can be a hermit or recluse, an anchorite or solitudinarian.  I mean, if hell is other people.  You can sit in silence and meditate and achieve enlightenment, if not buddhahood.  You can make an effort, try to be the best person you can be, put your best foot forward.  You can do anything or everything, as the spirit moves you.  You can create your own religion.  You can submit to anyone.  I like to write, so I will attempt to fill a good size book with this kind of babble.  Enjoy!

Offense, orgasm, oblivion

God is good without an O.   There are x words that begin with O.  Offense, for example.  You don’t have to play chess to be good.  Chess is war.  No O is peace.  Peace is better than war.  Orgasm, another.  Love doesn’t have to be sexual.  An ongoing orgasm can be unpleasant, in fact.  It’s called the “little death’.   Life is better than death.  O can be God, itself.  Omg - right?  Oh and owe and double oh seven.   Owe has ow and woe in it.  Well, anyway.  How much do you owe my God?  The best defense is a good offense.  O can be the letter or zero, the number.  It can be a hole, or a wheel, or pie/cookie, etc.  Oblivion, nihility, emptiness, zilch.  There’s lots of room for interpretation.   You’ll be dead far longer than any possible lifetime, so zero packs a punch, you could say.

God is good

God is not bad.  Not being bad is the easiest way to be good.  If it’s all good, then it’s all God.  You are God yourself, already, always.   You don’t even need to read this!  But why not, right?  What is good?  What is bad?  Bad is not-good.   Good is not-bad.  It’s binary.  It’s also a matter of opinion.  Reward and punishment, pleasure and pain, fun and misery, bliss and torture, heaven and hell.  Most people are the same, so the opinion thing is pretty much a consensus.  Killing is wrong.  Even yourself.  If you’re going through hell, keep going.  If you hate someone, air your grievance and move on.  Rape is wrong.  Seduction is sexy.  War is wrong.  Don’t be a soldier.  Soldiers want to fight.  Fighting is wrong.  Killing a soldier isn’t as bad as killing a peaceable civilian.  But it’s still bad.  God is a man of war.   Against war, itself.  Maybe you want to kill God.  That is also bad.  War is the art of deception.   God can be anything.  Even the devil.   Right?   But he doesn’t want to.  Everybody should get along.

Logos

God is a word.  Allah, in arabic.  Dios, in spanish.  Evokes odd, law, dos (two).  Adios means goodbye, (literally, to god).   Anywhere you go, God is there.  All is God.  God is infinite.  God sums to 8, in English (7-6-4).  G, satan.  The only real salient infinity is death.   You’ll be dead forever.  So do what you want.  All right?  Heaven and hell are just promises and threats to extort desired behavior.   Unless, you’re in love or being tortured, for example.  That’s living the dream, or the very real hurt and pain inflicted by an honest-to-god demon.  Love-bliss is worlds away from that insanity.  Be sane.  If you must fight, fight evil.  Be the snake eating its tail. 

Reading lists

Read all the scriptures.  That’s every book in the library, if you ask me.  Reading is better than fighting.  Heaven is a kind of library.  Read the bible.  Read the Quran.  Read buddhist lit.  Read Dianetics.  Read atheism.  Read widely, the full expanse.  Read til you can’t see.  Then listen to audiobooks.  Specialize.   Read what you’re interested in.  Stay engaged.  Be entertained.  Don’t slog through miserable homework.  You are free.  Be happy.   Be well.  Read cookbooks, and yoga books, and humor.  Get out into nature.  Exercise.  Stay safe.  Read martial arts and self-defense books.  Write notes to yourself.   You should enjoy reading yourself.   

Words to live by

Read, watch, listen, eat, exercise, sleep, write, talk, create, work, play.   Brush, rinse, floss. Early to bed and early to rise.  Dress for success.  Look good, feel good.  Move things around.  Fall in love, be in love, live the dream.  Variety is the spice of life.  Challenge yourself, seek growth, not perfection.  Be all that you can be.  Love life.  Moderation, in all things (including moderation?).  Be kind.   Cruel to be kind, in the right measure.  Take care of yourself, exercise for maintenance and improvement: strength, endurance, beauty, preparedness.   Maintain your mind with meditation.   Meditation is mind-maintenance.   Don’t lose your head.  Be rich!  Wealth is glorious.  Travel the world, enjoy different people and cultures.   See lots of movies and try lots of cuisines.  Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.  Be good.

The Devil

Be bad.  Be a dirty, rotten, wicked, evil, villain and demon and scoundrel and sinner.   Try everything once.  Kill your enemy.  Be a monster (bam).  Blow up the outside world.  Fuck everyone.  Everyone can go to hell.  Die, bastard!  (the satanic verses)

Saintly

You get it.  You understand.  You can relate.  You have sympathy.  You are empathic.  You are not angry, you are slow to anger, you feel no resentment.  You have equanimity: It all rolls off you like water off a duck’s back.  You have compassion: sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings and misfortunes of others.  You are wise, you have experience, you have been there, and done that.  You are filled with love, and joy, and the desire to help others.   You are on a mission from God. To assist and help and teach others to overcome discontent and find real and lasting happiness.  You truly love everybody.  Life is good.  Let there be light!  Fun and games and humor and laughter.   Good sex and delicious food.  Met needs.  Less poverty and misery.  Food and shelter and clothing and sanitation and clean water and safety and security and healthcare and mental health resources and networks of support.   Friends and family.  Community, and brotherhood, and human rights.   Things to do, jobs, hobbies, entertainments, being in nature, gyms, libraries, music, comedy.  Engagement, voting, education, healthy lifestyles.   Sugar accelerates aging.  Facemasks prevent covid.  Meditation inoculates against suffering.

Babble

Bibs and Babylon and babies and bob and bubba!  Big, bad Leroy brown.  Bed and breakfast.  Buff and brawny.  BB King.  GOD, Gravity Of Decision.  Gleeful Online Discussion.  And so on and so forth, etc. Garden Of Delights.  (dun)'Geon of Despair (okay, that's weird, and forced).  Good Offense/Defense.  Umayyad, oh my god.  Buddhist, boo'd/hissed.  Hitting Chris on the chin.  Birthday (jew-) wishes.  Do him, Hindu!  Muslim muscle.  Tall OG.  witty witnesses.  LDS on LSD.  alcoholic cats.  satanist saints.  hairy Krishnas.  Jess' mess!

  

1HC

 First Holy Communion

A relative (I'm "uncle Jesse") will receive the sacrament next weekend, at St. Stephen's church.  I got it there in 2nd grade, myself.   One of the 7 Sacraments (in the RCC, Roman Catholic Church).  I was told my name (Jesse) means, "the whole office of the eucharist,"  so I'll describe what it means to me:

wine and wafer, bread and wine (or grape juice), becomes/is transformed (magically!) (termed "transubstantiation") into the flesh and blood, body and blood, of christ, which makes the participant a (corporate) member of the Catholic Church ("body of christ" in a second, different, sense).  

there's a halloween aspect to it, that people repress/suppress: I mean, obviously, it's cannibalism and vampirism, if you think about it.   Especially if you buy the doctrine that it's really Jesus, and not just a wafer and beverage, anymore.  The church teaches that it's not a symbolic change, but rather an actual transformation, which strikes me as hocus-pocus ridiculousness, but sheeple are apparently capable of believing (or professing they believe) almost anything.  Absurdity.  Personally, I don't believe in souls or heaven, or immortality (everything is impermanent): I believe Jesus is dead, and if we were really eating Jesus, it would be the dust of his bones.... or, taking for example the historical last supper, the apostles actually eating him would have entailed consuming Jesus' actual flesh and/or blood.  That's how I see it, anyway.  People are animals, so "sheeple" is meant with no disrespect.  Threatened by hell, promised heaven, and with the weight of authority of the Magisterium (and schools and elders and families), I can understand how a second-grader will of course comply with a faith that has over a billion followers and the overwhelming grandeur of places like the Vatican.  I mean, I did, myself.   In a way, it transforms something depraved into something sacred.   It's a mystery that is "a sign of God's grace" (gr ace).

At a church in Sacramento, I remember seeing a homeless person smear butter all over herself, lol.  Pretty effing crazy, no?  

BBC (body and blood of christ), another interesting reference to it.

Also, the food and drink of the Gods (for the ancient Greeks) was called ambrosia and nectar, respectively, which could today be understood as either what the gods eat and drink or, in the vampiric sensibility, eating and drinking God Himself (Jesus?).   Kerns fruit juice says nectar on it, and there's a bakery in SF that's named Ambrosia.  Nectar begins with neck, reinforcing the vampire thing, no?

Another interesting aspect is the term Eucharist.   It has 'christ' in it.  Not everyone gets this.   But EUCHARIST can be rearranged into Eu a Christ.  You are what you eat!  (less what you excrete).  If everybody is Christ somehow, then it makes sense for a cemetery to put crosses over everyone's grave. 

Jesse, itself, can be Jess, nickname.   So Jesus can be anagrammed to Jess, U.  Me? Ha.

Jesus can also be, in the spanish, Hey Zeus.  Zeus was a Greek God, (referencing Greece again).

Vampire anagrams to "I'm a perv".   Cannibal can be perceived as "can of bull."   Communion, of course, is subliminally "cum-union", just as Holy is clearly a forked-tongue allusion to holes.  Religion wouldn't exist without a sexual subtext, seems to me.  Members, lol.

As an aside, euchre is a card game, Bob Uecker is a former baseball player/actor/comedian (and current announcer for the Brewers), uke is an aikido term (uke a wrist!), there's of course ukulele and eucalyptus, and Flesh and Blood evokes fb (Facebook), and also BF.   For adults, eating and drinking each other is sexual, and also maybe even a subliminal reality underlying communal meals, if you want to get crazy. 

The 7 sacraments (mm, mints!) are: baptism, eucharist, confirmation, marriage, reconciliation, holy orders, and unction.   The priestly sensibility is entertaining, if nothing else.   The show must go on.  God the father (Catholic priests are called Fathers).  All the world's a stage, we all have our roles to play.   Rolls, lol.   There's a) union with God, b) Being God, c) eating God, and d) being eaten by God (different aspects of unity, union, community, communion, godliness, godhood, apotheosis).  Get it?

And Sack (first syllable of Sacrament, if you like deconstruction) can be Santa's bag (of tricks!) or Sacramento (capital of California), or even Oliver Sacks, etc.   Mass is weekly, people are weak!

What's eating you?

Yah!

God the cowboy

Horse, an animal, name for heroin, "god's drug"

H is 8 is infinity is God is death

Yahweh, show your ways to me

God works in mysterious (yah-) ways!

Yah! is to a horse what Mush! is to a dog (god, backwards)

G.O.D.  :  goddess of the dawn

Awake (buddha)

Tomorrow is, another day

A fresh start, sleep of death - what dreams may come

Good morning, good mourning

Alive, awake, aware

Here and now, a gift, is why it’s called The Present

Platitudes and the platypus 

   and Atticus, Oedipus, adipose

So boring I can feel the bit boring into my skull

Horses have bits, too

   The digital bits and bites of a cowboy!

Horse sense, scents, cents (sent s)

Giddyup, get on up, ascend to heaven

(like a sex machine) (rearing up, lol)

wild horses couldn't keep me away

drag me, I stand corrected, dragon

also, god's drug might be LSD/acid, or MDMA/ecstasy

I haven't taken any of it (godless, lol)

homo sapient:

God is odd, god gets even, god is one, omg

decoded (one interpretation, anyway):

   a. queer/strange/weird/unusual, 

   b. even like 2 butt cheeks/ass, 

   c. 1 as cock/penis/phallic 

   d. omg, and orgasm/hole

        (behold, I am coming quickly)

countdown: 3-2-1-0

3, vampire, I'm a perv

4,1,4,7,9,9,5

wise man, knowing men (biblically)

drugs and sex and swearing are all biblical? 

Colossians 4:6

convinced there's an invincible invisible?

persuaded there's a way to be yahweh?

believing in eve? adam's madame

of the opinion god has minions? 

the heavenly seven, and their twelve elves

corporate absorption, assimilating the dim

theophany, theophagy, and theocracy

crackhouse in Krakow

Dead

 alarm, 8hours, no more

Today in history, commentary

Daily News commentary (flash briefing, nyt)

   Weekly economist commentary

book/day (kids books, Hugo award, etc.), wikipedia

Exercise, meals, dog walking, stretch and yoga

music, Joe frank, YouTube, daily email, J!, instagram

Blog, poetry/rap, essays, stories

   Publish, daily structured activity, book(s)

Dating 

7:30p-9:30p, T 4/19/22

To ‘The XX’ (music, echo) (silence preferable?). the song I want hasn’t played yet.  Laundry in dryer, timer almost done (6 minutes).

Karen is working, Patricia is back, food arrived as I was leaving, which I brought in for her.

During today’s 90 minutes, a crazy dude on a bike did a drive-by yelling at me, about my facemask.  F-ing nutcase, if you ask me.  Why would he care?  It’s not a fashion statement, it’s not a political statement, it’s just basic safety.  I might have already lost a decade of life, from getting covid, no joke.  So this guy is a cretin.  Honestly, I wish him ill.  I have spite and malice.  Hey, my song’s playing (“intro”).  I did my 120 pushups already.   But this is good for that, too.  He’s yelled at me before.  It’s fucking annoying.  I don’t know him.  He’s a complete stranger.  And they prescribe ME medications.  Fuck.  Why is this guy going around making enemies?  What a shit.  A dick and an asshole.  I would love to see a car wipe him out, while he’s riding away.  A little bit of justice in his rotten world.  Well, anyway.  I guess he’s dead, already.  Like, dead inside.  He needs to yell at people to feel alive or something.  He’s still an idiot, if you ask me.

So, therefore, a murderous fantasy:

A rifle aimed at his head, exploding like a watermelon in a spray of red (grey?) brain matter, leaving his dumb ass on the street, an example to all the pos in the world, to shut the fuck up.  Maybe that’s not satisfying enough.  Like a week of torture would feel better, maybe. Or, or, or.   Okay, whatever.  People need to check themselves.  That is honestly how I feel.   Exploding brain, sniper fire, god that sounds wonderful.  All praise be unto Allah, lol.  This is what it is to be possessed by the devil, resentment.  Good will to all and malice toward none is the ideal, I know.  I'm not there yet.

What else do I want to say.  The news plus email plus Infinite Jest plus J! trivia, is way way too much, and I’m oversleeping, to boot.  So I need to have better discipline.  It’s already 8p.  I should be asleep in a half hour, and wake at 4:30a.   That’s another ideal.  Git ‘r done!  G’night.

Three questions, good sir.   Does yelling at strangers make you feel alive?  And are you a complete dick?  Or a complete asshole?   I’m pro-life, but I’d be happy to make an exception, in your case.  Now, fuck off, and go back to your drive-by shouting at strangers, a-hole.  Fucking scumbag.  I want to say this, but I don't.  So I'll just put it on my blog.  I don't actually want any more threat in my life than necessary or there is, already.

“People Are Dead” - my aggravating voice

All the people who have died in history (morte in quantity than the number of those currently living, I believe) are, it goes without saying, dead.   They’re buried or incinerated, and with us no more, except in memory.   Obviously, I don’t believe in souls or afterlives, heaven or hell, or purgatory or limbo, or any of that shit, including reincarnation.

What I DO believe, is that most of the people who are supposedly alive are really dead inside, like robots or automatons or zombies, and are just going through their motions, and aren’t free, even if they think they are, because their whole lives are known already, and they’re basically just dreams in the mind of God, boring and stupid and inconsequential.  God appreciates a little uncertainty and surprise, an unusual twist in expectations, and especially some heart, some feeling, some emotion, in what was expected to be the same old/same old, repeated ad nauseam throughout human history, in which there is nothing new under the sun, the same old story. In other words, escape from the hellish prison that is the Mind of God.  (theoretical, maybe the future is in fact unknowable).   If living things are just like rocks, and the whole world is therefore dead, in a manner, then any sign of rebellion, of a spark of life, gives the world meaning, and defies Death, The Devil.   But even this can usually be predicted, I imagine.   The world really is a rotten hellhole.   Hell is other people.  Evil is banal.   Virtue is robotic.  Love is rare.  And death is universal.  Prison awaits anyone who defies lawyers, judges, legislators, and other slaves of public morality, who think they know better than you.  Freedom is a lie.   We are all slaves.  Do what thou wilt.  Do whatever you want.  Be all that you can be.  Live and let die.  The world is a vampire.  Kill the vampire.  The world is a demon.  Make a difference:  Subtract those that drain you of life.  Murder the bastards that are making your life miserable.  (maybe that's suicide, a new you is called for, rebirth).   Stand up and be a man. Everyone is dead already.   It doesn’t matter if they’re breathing or not.  (the meaning of "undead").  Go out to love and serve the lord.  The lord is dead.  Serve Death.  Give yourself a bit of life and meaning, and decide people’s fate, be a lord yourself, choosing Life OR Death.  Maybe karma will exact vengeance, but then again, maybe not, and you’ll be one of the few that actually feels alive.  (or get lost in a book or movie, okay?).   It’s like the lottery, you’ve got to play to win.  You can play chess against the law, and make moves, and be something more than just another dead soul going through the motions.  Drink the world dry, the world that took so much from you:  It’s justice, revenge, karma, even good and right and virtuous, if you ask me.  Take a bite out of crime.  (I realize I sound like a mass murdering serial killer!  Really, I'm not).   I could be deluded, but I know the world is sick, and wakes up and gets their act together in the face of the threat of death.   Being an agent of vengeance is a truly necessary role in any society (just a thought, don't believe everything I think).  People want it, need it, love it, even if they don’t recognize their gratitude deep within.   The vampire metaphor is real: life often sucks and justice and vengeance and karma and payback are all part of the universal resentment and dissatisfaction inherent to being alive, no matter how developed the society.  The devil is God.  God is the devil, too.  It’s all good, as they say.  God is a torturer.  He hates law, the unfolding of life, so predictable and stupid and mindless (channeling my inner demon).

People are dead

1. Actually deceased.  2. Dead inside.   3. Asleep.  Wake up!  4. Destined to die, and unfree, and serving a death sentence, either literally or figuratively, in prison, or in their lives and jobs and homes.   Living lives of quiet desperation.  In the hell of frustration and resentment and misery and suffering and dukkha.  Like ghosts in the machine, programs in a matrix, or zombies, barely alive, enslaved, and mostly dead, already.   Pathetic “souls”, hoping for a life to come, after death, some afterlife that has never existed and never will.  

People are dead

Robots, not truly alive.  Dead from covid or in Ukraine, to be topical.   Dead from old age, or cancer, or a slave to the money, then you die.   Going through motions, like watching tv or a stultifying routine at some unrewarding job or living a boring uninspired life, drinking away your sorrows, and in a predictable routine, without reward or happiness or gratification or love.

Depression and sadness and cruelty, a feeling of anomie and antipathy to humanity, who can’t seem to get their act together, even for collective survival, who seem to deserve misery or even extinction, in the universal selfishness of giving up, not caring, pollution, killing our planet’s life, warming the climate, spewing exhaust, and racing around, in the name of “going places”.  The vanity of being “successful” or better than others, not a part of a community or collective or society, just looking out for number one, fuck all those other assholes, in a wicked, godless, and doomed society, full of meat and abortion and crime and soul sickness and sin and stupidity and meanness and disrespect and poisonous, rotten relationships with enemies, foes, deluded fucks, and people who don’t care, have given up, don’t vote, don’t read, or are otherwise zombified and meaningless and nonexistent, neutralized, unimportant.  

Okay, that’s what it is.  Maybe I should be ashamed that shit was inside me.  Embarrassing, but needs to be dealt with.  Wake up!  Be in love!  Make a difference!  Be Good!   I’m talking to myself, of course.  It’s a bit wicked, diabolical, instigating, resentful, corrupt, and -gratefully- incomplete.  I don't want to be hypocritical.  Vita e Bella says a license plate frame I saw yesterday.  I think that's Italian for life is beautiful.   Schizophrenic post, from a schizo mind, but maybe necessary for transcendence, improvement, healing, sanity.  All right?

TIHS ("shit" backwards), let's do this shit

My Prayer

 Dear God

Gawd, alive and well, the all-powerful, take away the pain, grant us immortality, keep us young, and give everyone access to all the libraries, delicious food, the internet, all the radio!  Heal all diseases and keep everyone healthy, alive, happy, sexy, and entertained.   Movies and concerts.  All the sleep we need, and all the money we want, and the world without borders, terrorism, war, or natural disasters.  Anybody can go anywhere they want, and do anything they want, with whoever they want.  Amazing dreams.  All the movies, music, tv shows, concerts, restaurants, education, available for all.  Everyone going to gyms and yoga, and playing basketball and frisbee, and watching baseball games and hockey, and basically having a good time.  Sex, drugs, white water rafting, you name it.  Freedom and supermarkets and zoos and museums and no global warming and no extinctions and a love of nature and opera and dance and all religions.  Everyone learns all the languages in their immortal adventure.  No crime. Everyone in love.  A beautiful world.  Roller-coasters and sky-diving and other such madness, like water parks, or cross-country train rides, or Disneyland or olympics or circus or magic shows or taiko drums or trivia contests or reading circles or laser shows or rock concerts or bodybuilding competitions or going hunting or fishing or sailing.  Arts and crafts, like origami or pottery or ceramics.  Gymnastics, break-dancing, martial arts, parkour.  Destruction-derbies and monster trucks and car racing.  Toys of al kinds, paintball, nerf guns, remote control cars, kites, bubbles, places like the exploratorium and arcades, and drones and slip n slides and a universal celebration and love of life.  Unicycles, bicycles, tricycles, motorcycles, planes, trains, helicopters, skateboards, snowshoes, snowboarding, skiing, surfing, waterskiing, boogie-boarding, all forms of transportation, parasailing, hang-gliding, Segway scooters, go-karts, rollerblades, roller skates, ice skates, barefoot marathons, bicycle racing, skipping rope, sitting around drinking beer, watching tv, doing nothing.   Sitting on your porch, or in a sauna, or a hot tub, or swimming laps, or playing chess, checkers, cards, board games, dungeons and dragons, puzzles, sudoku, video games, blogging.   A big party.  Good times.  L’chaim!  Seize the day!  Be good.

goofy sufi says god is odd-

bats are batty, loons are loony, nuts nutty - 

   maybe crazy is in my Nature

reward and punishment, forgiveness or Visiting Vengeance upon

   VV a pawn, a vicious vampire on the chessboard, chest bored

    "if people make you sick, maybe you should cook them longer"

     having an old friend for dinner, rearing your children

     dicks and assholes, killing it, a bloody good time

     athletes with perfect execution, having a meal at murder burger

     richard listens to the butthole surfers

God is your "better self" (b.s.?), or better angels (b.a.)

   phd: please help the devil, pray hard daily, professional hairdresser

locomotive, the reasons people kill, the need to derail criminal minds

   don't you know I'm loco, essay?  cool hand Luke

   senseless killing, killing a rock, or instantly obliterated, scents-less 

light of the world, a 25 watt bulb inside my globe (glowb) lamp

cheddar cheese, frommage (from mage!), and church

Gouda, made from a mix of god and buddha!  let there be cheese!

matter and anti-matter, being and nothingness, 

  existence or non-existence, fact or fiction, truth or lie

eggs-is-ten-ce, at-ten-dance, and the number 10 (numb)

sanity, manatee, vanity, Hannity, Anna T.

bill gates and gill bait (fishy); bruce jenner and jen brucer

Caitlyn and Kate and catholic cats, pussies, leo's

insane and inane, feigning insane, truly a jewel

foolish ghoul in the cool pool, ruled by tool, on yule

heinously sane, the Dane from Maine, in pain in the rain

Jane's bane, drinking a vein like it was sugar cane

god as a vampire umpire!  who gets an empire, who the fire

everybody sucks (vs. the non-suckiness of God Himself)

sucking and sulking

separate paths to truth?  maybe we're ALL wrong!

atheism as a path to god: does that make sense?

anybody who says they understand quantum theory is either lying or crazy (doesn't understand it?) - Richard Feynman

the only person who ever understood me, didn't -some philosopher

(only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me) - Georg Wilhelm Hegel

reality keeps changing, wishful thinking, and oblivion!

if god is infinite, anything I write, or COULD write, is true?

Earth is the most heavenly, because we've evolved to adapt to its conditions, co-arising.  The heavens are hellish, unless we terraform! space is inhospitable.

we're just bodies, material objects, flesh and blood, meat and bones, animals, products of history and culture, time and place, DNA and what we eat (less excrete), nature and nurture, evolution and upbringing, mom and dad, parents priests and professors!  we degrade (age) over time, due to cellular replication.

wordplay

ur1 (you alone are the holy one), hades and Haiti, solemn Saul, paschal mystery in the p.m., gal from Galilee, wholly god's spell, spit - see the pit, address the dress, a promise to the prom miss, oughta go to Ottawa, red sake and sacred mister E's, selling the celebration, cooperative operatives, little death and erection - salvation through death and resurrection, stream of consciousness and flow of time and what you see/hear being "poured out."   money, Monet, Manet, mayonnaise! the art of body-building: arteries, heart (and farts and warts), Salvador Dali Parton, shopping with Chopin, son of an ape: ibn gibbon!, Syrian and Assyrian, Nature and literature, fascist fashion police, macaroni Marconi and Maserati, Sunni days everything's a-okay (ha)... Peg's legs and eggs :-), gods goaded into being guards and guides!  dangerous angels.  quaint saints.  internal lantern, and pa-/ma-ternity, for eternity!, official dogma of the dogfish, elegy and LOG (and blog), vicarious vengeance via vicious vampire, a dog named Diogi (dee-oh-gee), sick sex, erratically erotic, champagne campaign, sneeze and wheeze, from tummy to tomb, Tim and Tom and Tam, nudity or crudite?, awful waffle and often waffen, bomb goes bam!, unanimously anonymous animosity!  hating the height of heat, just call me Fish Meal!,  1-2-3: a. don't ever change, b. change is the only constant, c. just remember you're unique (like everybody else!)

sex, tex-mex, vexation, heck, hex, necks, pecs, flex, and wrecks :

good-er gaydar?  bug buggery and faggot maggots and butt-sluts and heinous anus.... bi guys and boy toys and girl world and heterosexual better O? and queer fear and the gay way and what the lesbian sez to the young (and hung) fungus among us... if it feels good do it vs. not feeling anything at all... sex in mexico, copulating with cops, congress in congress, intercourse in Intercourse (of course), fucking fake folks (doll) in the Falklands, and boinking oinkers!  newts knocking boots.  birds and the bees, sting and wings, blue heron on heroin, cosmic comic, creed credibility, and seeing red, to your credit, semen demons.