Tired

I am tired, so tired. Not exhausted physically, just done. Done with life. The blade runner soundtrack is on my headphones. It's raining. I'm, as they say, under the weather. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to meditate. I don't want to read. I just want to sit, and breathe. Inhale, exhale. Inspire, expire. Respire, perspire. I think I think too much. Half the time it's not even me thinking, it's my voice. It's draining. It's hell. Fuck you, I'm done.

associations

Hale and hearty, hail, ins, spire, spyer, res, pire, ire, prr.

Healthy, ice rain, immigration and naturalization service, insurance, church spire, espionage, reyes sacharoff, fire (for such as burning witches at the stake), ire and irritation and anger hatred rage wrath fury, cat (katy perry's cat! Kitty purry)

I don't have to go anywhere. The enemy is within. A constant struggle. Life sucks. Ugh.

So breathe, just breathe. What is that, Dead Milkmen? Yup, thankyou internet. Beige sunshine, off metaphysical graffiti. I know the other one, too. Anna Nalick, google says. Both good.

Br eat he (cold food man), or he as in he he, laughter. Cold food, hahaha. Like a sushi burrito.

Just me myself and I, at the computer, listening to youtube and tapping away, keeping company with my thoughts, words, associations, verbal deconstructions, echoes of musical memory, and of course whoever else might be in my head. For now, it seems like only me. Thanks for the moments of sanity, asshole. Headshocks, as my mind folds in on itself. My voice keeps saying 'I hate my mind'. It wants me to hate myself. There's apparently no barrier, so whatever nevermind. I don't want to think.

Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. Some stupid rap song thinks there's a triumvirate within. The holy trinity. Me, myself, and I, that is. Maybe that's the way out, the enlightened perspective.

Headshocks, chest pains, voice. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Mouth, pussy, anus. Loving, loved, in love. CLU (3, 12, 21). Si, all you!

Good vs evil, evil vs good. Religion, politics. right vs left. It's all good vs. It's all bad. Sane, insane, unsane. God is good, and god is everywhere. Incorporating, integrating, amassing. Nothing evil. Neo.

Make reality you (big me big me ya, agent smith), or make you reality (incorporate, introversion, can't beat em join em, prayer-warrior). Change reality, change self. Both. Neither. It's all good.

God, reality, love.

change or adapt

scared and sacred

fear of god, fog of war

stimulus

bmw (books/mags/websites), ted (trivia/education/dating), bb ma sd (bodybuilding, martial arts, self-defense), my s (swim yoga meditate), video, my t (youtube, tv, movies), bmw (blog, money, write).

Rest, restaurants.

For the sake of argument (god never loses, evil never wins)

'there is some wicked evil sinful turpitude' says my (evil) voice (stfu, david)

i'm just a person, not a god. Maybe a part of god. But I don't even really believe...

however, goodness and love and reality exist, though, and that seems to be all god really ever is.

Death and pain and suffering and sorrow and regret are all a part of life/reality.

You shouldn't need the threat of hell to be good, in my opinion.

Hinduism, I've learned, considers atheism a path to God.

(God, godliness, holiness, enlightenment)

Catholic Mass

intellectually stimulating, but emotionally barren and zombie-like,

with simple and childish music, imo

Satanism could be a path to God, too.

Especially if “it's all good”, and “god is a man of war”

sads

Dominance and submission... equality

sing and dance, said and done

sick and diseased, sad and depressed,

schizo affective disorder, social anxiety disorder,

seasonal affective disorder, separation anxiety,

standard american diet

fats

fingers and toes, false and true, fit and trim, fido and taco

wwwww

wet wild windy woolly weather

question

is a photon wave an expanding orb? Does light “bounce” (say, off a wall)

Annihilation quotes (I read it yesterday), by Jeff VanderMeer

lots of self-alienation: neurological hitch-hikers, desolation tries to colonize you, self-immolating desire for truth, binding you with hypnotic suggestion, the world at war with itself, seeking oblivion, masks and veils and interferrence, nowhere and everywhere, knowing everything and nothing, unsettling sensation as of something creeping under the skin, modified human cells, doppelgangers, some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer for long enough, death- still here even if utterly transformed, narcissism of the human gaze, fear of god/hell/unending pain and sorrow, the end stages of some prolonged form of annihilation (as life itself!), rat- realizations, adjustments, transformations, hosts and assimilation, “i knew less than nothing about myself, whether that was a lie or the truth.” (!!)

the tunnel and lighthouse reminded me of “going deep” (honda) “stairway to heaven” (led zeppelin), the bright (adidam), christian symbology/metaphor (the way, truth, light), birth (coming into the light), self-immolation (buddhist monks), buffy hellmouth, star wars sand opening, cthulhu, a movie with an animated boar... plus some dreams I had.

I'm not really suicidal.  Never have been, hopefully never will be.  But I am a bit sick of myself.  Although I love myself, and consider the annoying part an external intrusion.  So it goes.