MM

More Me

So, ya, I'm God. I like to think I am. I play the role. It takes over my mind, perfects my life, informs my writing, and gives my life meaning. Maybe it provides a service.  I want to be good, better, best. Maybe I will emerge, escape, from mental illness, and become well, in time. That's my hope. It happens! Symptom remission: no voices, chest pains, head shocks, teeth taps, feeling possessed and monitored and controlled.  No need for a constant dialog with the voice in my head. Self-possessed, sane, and recovered. And physically fit, strong, and healthy, from good nutrition and daily exercise. I have a gym membership, and a job that demands 2 hours of cardio, 5 days a week (at least). My blog keeps me grounded, keeps me connected to family as well as strangers, and can be a bit humorous, too (although I take it seriously, for the most part). I'm drinking beer, taking less medication, and eating protein powder, oatmeal, fruit, and a mostly vegetarian diet, along with my morning omega 3 fish oil capsules and vitamin c. I'm also looking for work that I enjoy, that maybe could be a passion that pays the bills. Kaiser membership, meds, and my monthly disability check from Social Security (that pays most my rent) would need to be payed for, if and when I become sane. I'm not sure what all that is worth and would require. I believe I have the talent and potential to surpass it, and live comfortably, with added quality of life that includes travel, if not house/wife/kids/car.   I mean, I'm God, lol.   But I'm happy where I am, and not all that motivated, though, to be honest. I like my freedom. But maybe I could be both richer AND happier, in addition to SANE. What should I do?

Possible employment includes professional cuddler, reading and recording audiobooks, coordinating prison reading (tablets, audiobooks, education, job training, and peaceful self-defense, for example), and going back to being a hotel bellhop. I would still like to walk dogs, on the side, I think. I also would like to be an author. I mostly just write about myself and my madness, on my blog. If I could read my literature lists and get paid for it, that would be ideal. There are movie and book and restaurant critics who get to indulge their passions, people like Rick Steves who get paid to travel, and of course The President who gets paid to be the most powerful person on earth! There's lottery winners, and people with inheritance, and people like Bill Gates and the Waltons with ungodly amounts of money, for whom money will never be a problem, having amassed a hoard in the past that is sufficient for their entire futures. I love music. I love books. I love nature. I love writing. I was an International Relations major in college, I speak Spanish, and long to get back to swimming, yoga, and aikido. I like dating, too. I have a sense of humor. I will always have food and shelter, I believe/hope. So what should I do? I have too much to do, even without getting paid! Well, sanity would be a great gift from the gods. I would be glad to repay society for freedom from mental illness, if I remain in comfort and am doing something I enjoy. I would like to lead nature hikes. I like kids. I would like to be an exercise partner. I would love to read lots and lots of children's literature. I would love to be a successful vegetarian bodybuilder. I want to master Spanish. I want to fall in love, or is love overrated. At least I love myself.  Maybe I don't know what true love is.  Sad thing, for a God.

Maybe madness IS sane. The world is mad, and I have comfort, reading and writing and exercising, that keeps me busy and happy, already, now. Ugh. I'm a bit of a loner, and keep good company with myself. I have a routine, a ritual, and a sense of purpose and meaning, which actually incorporates the voice, although irritating, as a possible aid to society, if I deal with it intelligently and with maturity. I don't want to be a devil's pawn, however, and would just as soon be done with the madness. 

I've settled into a solitary routine, except of course with the dogs I walk and the occasional playing with my nephew Benjamin, or Augustus, that I enjoy. Kaiser offers free lunch twice a week, and I get some satisfaction participating in the “wellness club,” although I mostly end up thinking others are stupid, messed up, and boring (including the staff, and not just the participants). We can't all be perfect, lol. I hate David. My family can be annoying.  Christians are mostly deluded. Politics is getting fucking retarded. I shouldn't have to drink alcohol or take medication. I am a good person, and shouldn't have to deal with the sheer quantity of shit that gets shoveled on me. F- you, world. Leave me alone, you f-ing 'tards.  Gr.  (I know that isn't politically correct.  I don't care.  I can be retarded, too.) Or is being alone the problem?