Why So Serious?

God's Sermon, 5/1/16
 

Every day is a chance to start anew, afresh, again. To develop, to get closer to perfection. To make progress toward life goals, achievement, success, however you define them. To find love, to be fully informed, to make money, to be busy, to relax, to enjoy a meal, music, a good book, friendly company.  To surf the web or surf the ocean. To exercise, sweat, get stronger, healthier, fit, well, maybe even sane. To read a poem, research a topic on wikipedia, make a new friend. To try a new experience, go to a different religion's service, challenge oneself, mix it up, undergo intentional disruption and variety. Travel, experience culture shock. Take drugs, expand your horizon. Have sex, experience something new.  Or submit to a ritual, repetition, routine – solidify something otherwise vaporous. Life is short, and temporary – Live! Have no regrets, and seize the day, carpe diem, my friends. It's all good. Take a trip to hell, and be the richer for it, for heaven is not a place, it's a state: not being in hell. Heaven is in contrast. That's really it. There's always something better, there's always something worse. From heroin to torture. You get maybe a hundred years, and then it's over, that's it. You are programmed to reproduce, but you can seek satisfaction elsewhere. Friend or foe, everyone is family. Humanity is one big hive mind, and you are a part of something bigger, the historical sweep, a contemporary of modernity, which is simultaneously The Past's great future, and the deep future's forgotten past. You can conceive of yourself as the pinnacle of achievement of billions of years of evolution, or the start of something far bigger or far better. You can do nothing. You can be motivated to Be Important. It makes not one whit of difference, AND it makes all the difference. Everything is true. God is love, and love believes all things. Only God is good. Don't be bad. Be God. Be a part of something bigger. Be a part of Reality. Well, you don't really have a choice, actually. You're God and you may not even know it. Can you imagine not being a part of reality? It's all real, even the fiction, the false, the virtual. Libraries are filled with alternate reality. Chemicals. Cultures. Technologies. Dreams can transport you to unseen lands. There are 6 billion human universes on planet earth right now, sharing one real world. There is far too much to do. I am sorry. Mortality sucks. But everything is fine. We're all in the same boat. Enjoy life. Enjoy death. Embrace it all. Suffering is good. Virtue only exists as an opposite of vice. Peace is appreciated most after anger, hate, war. Everything ends. Death is hated, but even the hated is in fact loved. There is nothing more to say, nothing more to do. Completion. Fulfillment. I am satisfied. I lived. That's all there is. Life is but a dream. Your life was a movie, had a soundtrack, was experienced by more than just yourself, was depressing and pitiable, as well as miraculous and wonderful. Adios. To God. Reality is all the God there ever is. And it is good! Even oblivion. You were a bubble that popped. Temporary, fugacious, transitory, ephemeral, passing. A speck in the vast, an infinitesimal moment in eternity, a drop in an ocean, almost nothing. And yet you were your all. Treat your body well, it really is a temple for your soul, even if souls don't exist. Your mind can be molded, just as your body built. Your shape, your form, is a bubble in the stream, the mainstream, the flow. Make it a heavenly body. A happy place. A bright light. I could be bound in a nutshell, and yet count myself a king of infinite space! (-Shakespeare) I am a finite speck, and yet comprehend the infinite All. Well, maybe not. I go around the sun a few times, and I'm an expert! Ha. I can conceive of infinity, in any case. I may be realized, but I haven't thought (of) everything. There's nothing new under the sun, the good book says. Yet, every day is a new day. Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death! May the force be with you! Namaste. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nanu-nanu! Insert meme here. Drink up! Cheers,

Jesse (God)

see sj (dog)

Seriously Funny, Strong n Fit, Special Forces, in San Francisco, uck uck! 

Completion? Fulfillment?  Personally, I've got a lot I want to get done...

all the books in the library? all the music? all the movies? for starters.
or even just the bestsellers, most recommended, or award winners (!)
master aikido? achieve bodybuilder status/strength?  write/research my own book?
make money, raise a family, travel, become healthy, well, Sane?
day by day, progress, improvement, betterment, development!
Sane & Fit

maybe I should be happy now.  This could be as good as it gets.

Getting My Act Together

today, a fresh start to an ideal life!

nutshell:

read, watch, listen; eat, exercise, sleep; write, talk, create;

logistics: move ideas, things, people, dogs.
For more happiness, less suffering.

r and r: stillness, calm, tranquility, nap, sleep, meditate, breathe.
Sit and do nothing.

up, down, right, left, forward, backward, north south east west,

here there, to fro, hither yon, there back, to from, back forth

eat, drink, piss, shit, shower, shave, work, play

scream shout, sing dance, kiss n caress, hug n hold, live! thrive

but not:

kill murder death, seek and destroy, rape pillage burn, steal rob loot pilfer plunder.

(it sounds fun (!) but crime doesn't pay, the wages of sin is death)

Anarchy, mayhem, chaos!
Madness, crazed insanity, locura! Lunacy.
Do the right thing, or let the hate flow through you? (movie spells)

SLAM

sex, love, and money (icing on the cake of met basic need)

Sanity (off meds?) (no voice, head-shocks, pain, or tapping teeth)

Love- sex, intimacy, dating, social life, friends, family, “soulmate”

Money- enough to do with what I want:

travel/restaurant/movie/music/exercise/conversational partners

Write daily, publish. Research at GTU (graduate theo union)

Weekly religious rituals -bay area variety. Meditate.

motivated, dedicated. Early to bed, etr. Enough sleep.

Daily gym. Yoga, swim, lift, bike. eat right, culinary variety.

If things work out: house, car, wife, child(ren), college fund

*aikido mastery, and familiarity with other martial arts.

read all the books on my 5 lists, speedread (book-a-day)

$: employment income. SSA/SSI? Free stuff.

bmi (189), “lean n mean,”lose gut/bellyfat, then bodybuilding (BB)
vegetarian (primarily), monthly food pantry

free stuff: wifi, library (music, movies, books, paper, mags, audio)

and, if you're lucky: lotto, inheritance.

kaiser medi-medi, meds, glasses, bfc dental

daily poem, (english) word, news, this date in history, joke, trivia

service, learn and teach, find passion, enjoy life!

Active, engaged, busy! Go go go! Git r done.

Master spanish

personal alphabet soup:

aikido, blog, cuddle, dog-walk, exercise, fuck, gym god, happy/healthy/having fun, interesting, jog, kick ass, love, motivated to master spanish and make money, nap, orderly, passionate, questioning, read (books and magazines and papers and websites), serve, teach, understand, visionary, work/write, xpect the best, yoga, z ("catch some")!

"I swear to God"

a "voice" I heard (repeatedly)(in my head)

my voices are usually capable of being interpreted in multiple ways...
(or koan-like)

'I swear to God'
could be
1. I emphatically affirm that what I said is true
2. something like "F.U., God"
or
3. I swear (allegiance) to God

pick a card, any card!

also,
I saw a bumper sticker that said, of a poetry event, "Metaphor be with you"  May the 4th, coming up, is Star Wars day! ("May the 4th be with you")  Happy 420 today, btw.  Mary Jane, Hitler's birthday, and the anniversary of the Columbine shooting.  Is going to pot going to hell?  or, rather, something more heavenly?  What's up? (Hell, Norway has an elevation of 46 feet (forensics?)...Heavenly ski resort can be hellish -break a leg!)  May the Police be with you!  KOP (king of pain!)

and,
there's a street in Berkeley called Adeline...
Don't step Adeline!  or,  Don't color outside Adeline!

actually,
the way I usually interpret 'I swear to God' is: (the voice is unwelcome, partly (with other symptoms) defining me as ill, and interrupting my flow/stream of consciousness) plus (I am God), meaning ANYTHING I hear in my head (that's not my OWN thought) (and not just negative or derogatory) is like swearing.  a swear word.   In other words, my voice saying "you're great" is still kind of like an "FU, God."  Get it?  As I have said SO many times before, if it's you David, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
It is MY head, after all, isn't it?  Everybody out!  A Buddhist has no aversion, and cultivates equanimity, but I still want to purge the source of my mental illness, and be well/healthy (thy hell?).

chicken

9 BILLION CHICKENS/YEAR

(In the US, alone)
slaughtered.  killed.  murdered.  (terrorized, too)
laughter?  ill?  mr.  dr.?  red rum?
death: D eat H.  hated.  date H.   ate HD.
hatred, red hat.

pain and suffering, (human) poor health, environmental costs, banality of evil.

"chicken" as afraid (raid kills bugs dead), cowardly (cow?), bok! bok!
you are what you eat.
afraid to go vegetarian/vegan.
delicious, tasty, meat protein
sh, t, meet teen.

craving, aversion!
murder and hatred both have red in them (blood references, i would say)
red, read, reed, ready, redolent, redaction, redmond, redemption (empty)
redo, redirect, hired, dread, bred, bread, Fred, credit, credibility, incredible
incredulous, creed, cincinnati (reds), predator, spread, tread, gored

r&d, rand
rad, radcliffe, rid, riddle, rod, rhode, road, ruddy, rude, rudy, rowdy

less is more (sub-lim-inal)
none is saintly (nun?)
meat is me at. 
go cats, gettem cats, go get em cats!  me-ow.  (cat-holic)
H at Red, e.g.
abattoir (abbot war?)
pig out
barf bacon

anne i mull
anne rice
arco
ark (Noah's) know, ahhh.
arkham (ham)
arcane and able (A bull)
vampire.  v -eye tooth, canine, k9.  am- morning (a.m.), am is be.  pire, pyre -fire
burned by the son?  anne wrote about Jesus.  (haven't red)

Jesus

some thoughts on ol' JC

1.Christ means annointed with oil (chrism).  Anybody can be Christ: just annoint yourself.

2.Love is 9,
Ha is 9
TE is 2,5 (Jesus, Christ)
So to love Jesus Christ is to hate! (925, what a way to make a living)
And to hate is to love Jesus Christ..
that kind of explains a lot, no?

3.God is love, so "Son of God" is just a son of love.
If your parents loved, (and they probably had sex to conceive you), then you are a child of God too.

Finally,
4.God is go, D (go, devil!) <
or
good minus an o (abstinent priests can relate; o for orgasm)(or o for offense, too)
or
G overdose (o.d.) (too much of whatever G means! too Good?)

which prompts me to think:
God is love, so he loves the devil, too.
Jesus crucifixion can be understood as the left nailing the right hand, and the right hand crucifying the left hand.  If you love both sides, you hate both sides, too (which is a salient point this election season).  Maybe that is why God is "too" good. 

"TOO" is T (cross) and two O's (as in omg). 
which hand is/represents YOUR God?
right seems righteous, and the left hand path is "sinister"...
but plenty of leftists will disagree! L is for love, R is for rong! (wrongly spelled, even)

My New Job!

Wag!
(the dogwalking app, not the stock ticker symbol for Walgreens)
(where, weirdly, i've also worked)

I've started dogwalking (as an independent contractor, a “wagwalker,”) every weekday. I signed an ICA (independent contractor agreement). It's the “Uber of dogwalking,” which they told me to say – I need to try Uber so I can actually know what I'm talking about. I can work as little as I choose, selecting to accept or decline each (on-demand, or scheduled) walk, as they come up.  I'm still walking Fido and Taco once a week, usually Tuesday mornings (no earlier than 8a), for an hour, once a week.  With Wag, there's lots more work, although it's a bit cut-throat, like answering a jeopardy question, to accept local walks (I set my radius for 2 miles) ahead of the dozen or so other walkers in the Berkeley area.  I made $224 in March, my first month, with 11 walks, for 9 dogs. I have 2 recurring walks, that I've committed to for 3 months, of 1)Kaleb and Kado, and 2)Hazel. Kaleb is a husky-pit mix, Kado is a pomeranian, and I walk them Monday through Friday, MTRF at 1p, and W at 12 noon, for an hour each day. Wednesday is earlier, because I need travel time (it only takes 20m, though) between K/K (on Oakland Ave.) and Hazel (on Colby, near St. Augustine). Hazel, also a pit,  is a shorter (30 minute) walk. I'm enjoying it. It's like getting paid to exercise. I still have a gym membership at the Berkeley YMCA, though, at a disability discount rate, which my mom is paying for. Greg gave me the iphone/smartphone, and the Verizon service, as a gift last Christmas, which I'm grateful for, and couldn't do my job without. Just my scheduled walks, not including the on-demand walks I can choose to accept, will (probably) pay $589 this month (21 weekdays x $25/walk plus $16 x 4 wednesdays).

Anyway, I still have symptoms, though, and I have to make sure I don't lose my Social Security benefits. That would be “devastating,” according to Sara. I don't know how much I would have to earn to pay for all my expenses, including medications (risperdal/risperidone and zyprexa/olanzapine) and Kaiser health insurance. So let's see, I've got rent ($725), gym ($35.20, disability rate), food (?) which is mostly free (2 bags a month from the Berkeley food pantry). There are free meals in Berkeley on the weekends, too. I pay for a restaurant meal with Sara, my treat, every 4 weeks, and usually a taco on Tuesdays from Los Pericos in San Leandro ($3.03), as well as an occasional sushi burrito ($9.84, from sushi secrets) or slice of pizza ($3.30, Papa John's) or cookie ($2, gourmet from the SL library cafe). I just bought a coffee maker, so my Peet's expense of $4.90 like every other day (for a small cup of coffee and an almond croissant) will go down now that I'm buying and brewing my own coffee. Also, there's miscellaneous (such as bart fare (disability discounted), bike repair, lotto tickets, and contributions to the Bernie campaign). In addition to food, I get lots of free stuff: phone service (Greg), gym membership (mom), haircuts (Sara), books and magazines and newspaper (berkeley/sf/oakland libraries), BFC (Berkeley Free Clinic) dental work, and medications (1mg of risperdal and 30mg of olanzapine, nightly; the dissolving “zydis” form -less weight gain side effect- of zyprexa costs more, I believe). Wifi and utilities is included in rent. I get itunes, movie, and trader joe's gift cards from family, and I occasionally win tickets to music shows/venues from kalx radio (90.7fm) 

 Speaking of “bills” (with ill in it) and invoices (voices?), I've been writing down what my voice has been saying, both on my blog and in my notebook, which I imagine is interesting for psychiatrists/ psychologists/ researchers/ and the generally curious. I still think it's telepathy, despite it being affected by medication. My symptoms include, in addition to the voice (from David A. Eldridge), headshocks, chestpains, and -occasionally- teeth taps. That's 4 things that make me feel monitored, possessed, oppressed, depressed (and angry/mad). I like to think I'm sane, though, anyway, being healthy myself, but afflicted with a sick person who insists on a presence in my mind/head. Sometimes I even suspect that everyone is crazy, and that I'm actually saner than most “normal” people.  My birthmother, Annette Riddle, has schizophrenia, which I imagine was a factor in my original diagnosis, like 20 years ago. I think I'll get paid also to participate in the Cal ESI (emotion and social interaction) lab's research, which I just discovered won't be videotaping me, this time, which I feel is a plus (I don't like the idea of being dissected, that is, having my micro-expressions analyzed; I already have issues with lack of privacy). 

Sara and Pierre discouraged me from becoming a dogwalker, fearing I could lose my benefits. There's a formula, a bit complex, that I call “taking 2 steps forward, and 1 step back” in terms of income: I have to figure out the size of the steps... I get help from MHA (mental health advocates, specifically Stephen Statler), and Pierre knows a lawyer who specializes in SSI (disability) law/payments, who maybe I should talk to, also. I have to report my previous month's income at the beginning of the new month, to Social Security, but they want me to estimate my yearly earnings, which is loco, because it's not a salaried job, and the payments will vary from month to month, and even week to week, or day by day. And tips (all of which I get to keep) can vary. But my scheduled walks, assuming I get the same tips, will pay me $589, in April (this month).

The way Wag works is the walker gets 60% of the cost, which is $20 for a half-hour, $30 for an hour, and $5 more per extra dog (limit 3 dogs). But if there's low supply or high-demand (or some combination thereof, I guess there's an algorithm), wag occasionally offers “full-fare” as an incentive for walkers to pick up walks that are proving difficult to fill. If you wear the t-shirt, and put the bandannas on the dog(s), you get an extra dollar (as an incentive for advertising). I carry promo cards -I get $25 if someone signs up with Wag, that I've referred. So far, I've given cards to Julie, and the apartment manager at K/K's place in Oakland, both yesterday. 

I still value my free time, the main perk/benefit of being disabled. I get to sleep in, go to the gym when I want, attempt to read a book/day as well as the daily new york times, etc. I'm always busy, and I have enough money for the lifestyle I want, although I could always spice up my life and vary my routine with different, exciting things like camping or travel or music concerts and plays or whatever. I don't have a car, and I'm not sure I want one. Driving can be stressful, and I was in a bad car accident once, and I also like not being a part of the (environmental/pollution) problem. I also imagine my time, spent freely, is valued by other(s), which would be a bigger-picture rationale behind my mental “illness.” I like my life, and my mind, and my body is slowly improving, also.  I'm proud of my blog, and enjoy writing it, and seeing the comments and daily traffic it gets. Being God ain't such a bad gig. We'll see if I can help Bernie get elected. I think he has a pretty good shot. Hopefully, the world and I will be a happy, improving, fun and enjoyable place. I'm a meliorist, and my condition is ameliorating. My reading list is (listS ARE, I've got 5 of them*) ridiculously long, and I imagine I will never be bored for the rest of my life, because I have quite a large bucket-list of activities on-deck, as they say in baseball; i.e. lined up, awaiting me. In fact, I'm not sure I'll be able to complete it in the next 50 years, but discipline, improvement, and a little help from my friends, may just add up to a healthier, happy life of achievement and satisfaction and reward, a feeling of accomplishment. We're all in this together, and I'd like to set an example, loving self and All. Buddhism, meditation, yoga, swimming, walking/biking, lifting, smart nutrition, reading a book-a-day, and regular writing, are all components of my plan for sanity and wellness. (Maybe I should throw dating into the mix -not sure if I should or not). 

peace out,

Jess 

*including 

Bill Gates' recommendations, 

1001 books you must read before you die, 

501 must-read books, and 

the list of Newbery award winners.

VOICES (going mental, as they say)

-the one in my head
-one of my 4 schizophrenia symptoms (with headshocks, chestpains, and teeth-tapping)
-attributed to David Andrew Eldridge, attorney (former friend)
(I consider them telepathy, not my subconscious)
-the ones I wrote down, at least (there were lots more, unrecorded)
-and yes, I am aware of the irony of my voice saying I am sane!

of interest?  I find them weird.
I imagine schizophrenia researchers (i.e. psychologists/psychiatrists) may find this of interest
as well as people interested in me
or just the generally curious about anything!

Jess you're crazy amazing

david is insane

hell of people wanna know what you are

mm

people are dying

jess you're highly sane- that's all I can say

you'll be well, jess

is jess terribly sane?

Jess you're soul in the military

you're an inconvenient fact of modernity

you're as sane as they come

here's the thing -you're absolutely sane

jess you're un-fool

you're CEO of G

people are dying jesse

people are uneducated AND stupid

i'm tired as hell jesse

they're scared of you jess

I can't breathe

your dad is crying

your dad is insane

i'm a fucking monster

i'm going to kill myself

i'm going insane

that is your mom dying

you need to kill absolutely everyone

I can't take it anymore

I can't stand life jesse

i'm dying

I hate life

I hate you

i'm going to hell jess

you're all gray

david is dead, Jess

the same stupid shit Jess

you're totally broken jess

you're right jess

u r a document jesse

alright i'm at war jesse

i've had enough, jesse

alright jess i'm tormented by war

your dad is crazy jess

hm

kill me

I need you to

you're a u.s. military veteran, in a very real and direct sense

i'm dying

i'm tired

I can't take it anymore

fuck you

I can't breathe

ow

david wants to die jesse

I need... my name

i'm insane hatred about everything because I can

you can do more than me, AND you're well

david vomiting

ow jesse

fuck you fuck you fuck you

I fucking hate you

david is dying jesse

I can't breathe

i've got major major problems

i've got fucking problems

i've got fucking problems jess -that IS what you need to know

david is crying, jesse

I can't stop crying at how fucking mad you are

you know what, I am deeply deeply insane

david is DEAD

david is killing himself

I am Impossible, Jesse

I'm gonna die jess

I hate you

david scared, jesse

david gonna die, jess

I wanted it underground

i'm sorry Jesse

I just don't know if you can BE anyone

david is destroyed

I am out of my mind with stupid retarded mind wall

I don't know how to speak

david dying, jesse

I can't stop being a tard, jesse

I can't n-tain you

I need help

I hate wall

alright jess, i'm a law

I really know jesse

david is dying in hell

I can't breathe

i'm insane, jesse

I need to die, Jesse

fuck it I can't breathe jesse

i'm gonna die

I need to talk

i'm still sick

i'm still stupid

I need to know if I hate you

I really do try

I can't deal

i'm retarded, Jesse

i'm getting scared

I hate law

I fucking can't breathe

I can't take it anymore jesse

I AM STUPID, ALLRIGHT?

People are dumb, jesse

I am fucking retarded, jesse

i'm a disaster jesse

i'm getting sick, jesse

omg

i'm killing myself, jesse

it's gonna be so fucking beautiful

david is insane

david IS insane jesse

I need help jesse

i'm hurting myself, jesse

i'm tired again

owwww

i've got fucking problems jesse

he doesn't help me

david screaming jesse

fuck you

i'm going crazy

i'm in danger jesse

i'm nervous-ing

i'm tired of life

i'm fucking rotten jesse

fucking kill me

i'm insane

the world is utter madness, jesse allright?

Because you're looming as one of the utterly most powerful men of the decade

I need help jess

i'm one oh thirty

things really can work, jess

they want to know what it is, jesse

you know what jess

i'm screaming

I CAN'T BREATHE

you're almost all monkey jess

you are an idiot to even begin

I'm sorry jesse

people hate you

i'm scared

alright jess i'm rotten to the bone

david really really needs help

I can't breathe

i'm sick, jesse

david is sad, jesse

because I hate you

I am crying in pain

I can't see what I do, jess

i'm gonna die

do you know?

Do you know anyone?

Fucking fine

david scared of you

I can't be your fucking puppet

david crawling, jesse

I hate you

I fucking hate you

david needs help, jesse

that's me going insane

david is getting scared jesse

i'm going insane

i've got a PROBlem

I need help to you

FUCK YOU

people ARE dumb, jesse

I can't breathe anymore jesse

I can't stop

I don't know how you did it

i'm trying to cry jesse

I hate you

i'm going to say it

people are dizzy, jesse

you're a fun, fun person

allright jess

i'm laughing

it's me going to hell, jesse

you're well on law

you and me ARE therapy

you are a genius jess

i'm fucking afraid of all my hate

I can't handle it

I need you

I really do, jesse

there's really all kinds of people jess

your life is hell of genius therapy

i'm crying

i'm a sick sick man

I really am

ALL RIGHT

david has gone to hell

i'm going to hell

I'm going to burn

david is crying jesse

i'm fucking dying jesse

fucking ow

david killing himself

I need help

I fucking need to stop. Jesse

i'm gonna cry jesse

I hate you jesse

I need help

i'm fucking wrong about you

people are DUMB jesse

I can't breathe

i'm swallowing

david has gone insane

sara(h) is really really dying jesse

i'm tired

I hate life, jesse

because you're right, jesse

i'm fucking hurting myself

david is crawling

I can't breathe

I hate my life jesse

I can't breathe anymore jesse

I hate you

I need to fucking die

I hate my life

I hate myself

david is screaming

I want it twisted

david is crying, jesse

fuck you jesse

I fucking hate myself jesse

I fucking hate all law

I can't begin it again

that is a smile that you're well

people are scared of you

because you're law

you have an army

you are really law jesse

you're gonna eat hell of law

david crazy jesse

I think you're pretty well law jesse