a female dog is a bitch
maintaining the dogma of being god can be a bitch, sometimes.
dog ma, get it?
my symptoms are hs/cp/v
(head shocks, chest pain, voice)
i've had these for years, experienced repeatedly daily. f.u.
-i think of head shocks (aka "brain zaps") in line with "the ice" in the book Neuromancer.
-chest pains are virtual, I believe. it's all in my head. i have a healthy heart, so it's not heart attack. i don't even think it's located where my heart is. i used to think of it like a vampire getting staked in the heart, or my heart getting "broken" (in a different sense, i.e. like breaking a code), or even as "a bleeding heart liberal." Whatever it is, it's unpleasant, unwanted, and a daily reality. Maybe I'm feeling others' pain (or an indication of their pain)?
cp is communist party, capital punishment, too.
h.a., no laughing matter. (why is there ugh in laugh?)
the voice is telepathy. it's contact with my "source." I used to think it was David Andrew Eldridge. Much improved from what it was, quieted down significantly. I attribute this to my meds, mainly. But maybe David has improved, too (because of my voicing back responses? such as shut up, leave me alone, fuck off, that sort of thing) Or I've been conditioned to where he wants me, perhaps.
I hope and pray and strive for the day when I'm healthy, have no symptoms, and am free to be who I am, thinking whatever I want, unmonitored and free from daily psychic oppression.
Because I mentioned to my psychiatrist that i considered my symptoms to possibly be mind control (i.e. punishment/ negative reinforcement, for specific thoughts/words/deeds), I am categorized as a Paranoid Schizophrenic. And all this time I thought I was Schizo-affective. Which itself I thought was having both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, but apparently is something else... I don't think of myself as paranoid at all, though. Nobody's out to get me. And of course, "You're not really paranoid...if they're really after you" -Nirvana lyric. Well, the pro-choicers probably want to neutralize me, and the Republicans, too, because I'm down for helping the poor over the rich...I'm not excited about ANY of the presidential candidates, so far. I don't like Hillary. And Warren is pro-choice. Generally, I'm surly recently, thinking everyone are idiots, and I just want to be left alone. To be politically incorrect, the world is full of fucking retards.
There's a difference between thinking my life is in danger, and considering it possible that people with varying political views from mine want to neutralize whatever power I might have to sway public opinion. Maybe that's too subtle a distinction for my psychiatrist. Whatever. Doctors can be retards, too.
1 year ago