Hello

Hell and God

God uses the carrot (the prospect of eternal bliss in heaven)
and the stick (the possibility of eternal torment in hell)
to modify human behavior.

It's all in a single word: hello.
life starts with hell (painful childbirth) and, of course, with heaven (o for orgasm, for conception)

I would say it ends in neither, simple non-existence, back to what we were before we were conceived, to dust, to decay, to rot, to buried bones; in a word: oblivion.

Of course, some of us leave cultural footprints: art, dna, memories, writings, what-have-you.

a fellow bellows: hello, mellow yellow jello!

anyway, what I was saying, O, as in OMG, is thus a symbol for God, or love.

and hell is, well we all know, right?  pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish...
some think there's an actual place of eternal damnation, with circles, for sinners (which seems to be all of us, if that's any comfort) who don't accept christ, or maybe those who don't accept allah, or god knows what else, as they say.  Eating calamari and having tattoos and calling your brother 'raca' are all prohibited, for example.  What a joke, if you ask me.

E.T. thus stands for eternal torment, or worse -eternal torture-, in addition to extra-terrestrial (meaning external to earth).  It also stands for Ellen Trainor, my college flame.  Hello, if you're out there, lol.  Or hi, if you prefer.

Maybe the price of power is pain, in which case God -the all-powerful- is in hell, and for whom love is therefore absolutely required, necessary, and demanded of all of us. 

Unjust torture seems like it would hurt even more.   Torturing God, the only good being in the universe, is truly an abomination.  A word with it's own heinous meanings embedded within it, as well: (a-bomb in nation).   Y' know, I really don't need Kim Jong Un threatening me (for example).

So crime, sin, torture, cruelty, war, murder, bloodshed, bullying, victimization, rape, injustice, are all hellish and rotten and evil, and deserve to be punished, but god is loving and merciful and kind and good, even to the devil, I guess.   Which means the devil rules the roost.  It's the collective will and effort for goodness, betterment, improvement, progress, development against the spite and hate and malice and unceasing will to vengeance and destruction and pain, that lies in the heart of even God. 

updated okcupid profile

of yours truly, jesswimmer

I'm pursuing an 'athletic' body type at the Y. If I'm not having sex, then at least I've got endorphins! I'm looking for a smart and happy woman to enjoy life with. I love to read, listen to music, eat well, and be in nature.

I have two projects I'm working on:
1)read a book-a-day, and 2)writing my blog (a fun hobby).
-the booklist is from '1001 books you must read before you die'
-the blog is at http://jesseteshara.blogspot.com.
(the most popular post is called "movies with 'God' in the title")
You are cordially invited to visit, of course.

A quote I like is "I have always thought heaven to be a kind of library." (-Borges). The library of congress has over 32 million books. One book a day for the next 80 years is around 29 thousand (that's only .09125 percent) Too bad I don't believe in heaven, right? A good book is heaven, of course, and so are good relationships. I just learned to speedread, but it would take a book a minute for 16 hours a day, for 80 years (!). The only heaven is what we make of earth. And, of course, ourselves.

Genie fantasy: Wouldn't teleporting, time freeze, and time travel (fwd. or back) be fun? And immortality, too. I'm pretty sure none of that is gonna happen either, though. Nobody escapes oblivion. But a book can be a kind of teleportation device.

ANyway, I got a BA in IR from UCD, minored in espanol. I've been to China, and would love to keep traveling. I spent many childhood summers in the redwoods by the Russian river, and love hiking and camping. Among other things I like are documentaries, animation, nature shows, taiko drums, cirque du soleil. I grew up in San Francisco, and have family there. I love the bay area, and Berkeley's fantastic.

What I'm doing with my life

I'd like to raise a family, but until then, I'm getting in shape, living cheaply, reading, writing my blog, staying informed. I frequently frequent the library. I read the New York Times just about every day. The Economist and Christian Science Monitor are my other two main sources of keeping up to date. Musically, I like college radio alot, which I listen to online. I hardly ever watch tv. Some magazines I like are People, Mad, National Geographic, Foreign Affairs. I occasionally meditate with Berkeley Shambhala. 

I'm really good at

Writing, and being a student (I'm not enrolled anywhere, though). I won a journalism award in high school and a scholarship to Cal. I tested genius once. Staying busy. I'm told (by a psychologist) I'm the kind of personality that keeps on goin', no matter what trials and tribulations life throws at me. I was voted Most Kind, once. 

The first things people usually notice about me

Why my aura and my chakra and my chi, of course.
Or maybe: I have blue eyes. And my left ankle doesn't bend. 

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books:
-I'll read anything, but I'll say: Douglas Adams, Isabel Allende, Dostoevsky, Jonathan Franzen, Gabriel Garcia Marques, Anne Rice, Michael Moorcock, Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain, Jorge Amado, Jane Austen, Alejo Carpentier, Terry Pratchett, for starters. The Sand County Almanac. The Laws Field Guide to the Sierra Nevada.
-I like learning new words and slang, new languages, short stories, true crime, horror/fantasy, and perusing an atlas.

Movies:I used to go to the yearly Spike and Mike animation festival in Sacramento. Fantastic Planet, Grave of the Fireflies.
I saw, and liked, Cabin In the Woods, Dark Shadows, Samsara, Searching for Sugarman, and Monsters U.
Shows: I youtube, netflix, and ted.

Music: I like it all, basically. I use cordless headphones. I listen to music while I bike around town, while I work out, while I'm online, pretty much all the time. Occasionally while I sleep, even. I still listen to cds and radio (oldschool!). I listen to philosophy talk and joe frank, too, on weekends.

Food: sushi, thai, indian, chinese, mexican, ethiopian, pizza, italian, burgers, barbeque. And sweets (like frozen yogurt). I haven't been to Burmese, yet. 

The six things I could never do without

1)basic needs (food, air, shelter, clothing, clean water, sanitation)
2)others (people, pets, friends, family, dating)
3)cheer (happiness, humor, smiles, laughter, joy, bliss, fun, play :)
4)stimulus (i.e. books, magazines, music, movies, the internet, the library, my blog)
5)love (God? Truth? Reality?),
or liberty. either one. freedom from suffering.
6)money, I suppose.

-of course, the Buddhists say these are cravings or 'attachments', so maybe I should just stick to life and health. L'chaim! 

I spend a lot of time thinking about

-love, god, religion, spirituality.
-international relations, foreign affairs, current events, news
-fitness, health 

On a typical Friday night I am

The same thing as every day, Brain:
Listening to music, lost in a book, surfing, or swimming. 

The most private thing I'm willing to admit

I'm adopted (which is one reason I'm pro-life)

I'm looking for 

• Girls who like guys
• Ages 23–45
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, long-distance penpal

You should contact me if:
-you want a new friend, or think I'm sexy.
-You don't smoke
-You are not a tv addict

-If you are a Pisces, Taurus, Capricorn, Cancer, Scorpio, or Virgo.
-even more points if you're a Rabbit or Sheep:
chinese astrology -
Rabbits are ('63, '75,'87)
Sheep are ('67, '79, '91),
while other Boars -bad!- are ('71,'83)
-I don't know if I really buy all this astrology hooha, but I thought I'd post it, all the same.

Consciousness

Entering my ruminations on consciousness into the collective un- (!)

What I write is often what people are thinking to themselves, but leaving unsaid, I've been told.
So maybe my thoughts are the "collective unconscious" (a jungian concept)
Bill Gates has a collection of archetypes, I think.
that might be fun to peruse someday-
I think, therefore I am (I think)
I once believed (the delusion) that everybody knew what I was thinking...
"It is better to be silent and be thought stupid, than to speak and remove all doubt."
Einstein has quotes that says human stupidity is infinite, and that reality is a persistent illusion.
So maybe what he's really saying is human knowledge is infinite.
Einstein kind of sounds like he was a stuck-up asshole, if you ask me.
War IS nothing but an act of murder, in my opinion, but so is meat.

maybe my thoughts are just picked up/gleaned from others, rather than my thoughts being the source.
or maybe I am/my mind is, a source for others, while still having a (personal, external) source, too.
there's some funky dynamic going on, of that I'm sure.  hard to define, or pin down.

Does all matter have consciousness?
I am made of matter (and only matter), and I have it.
So why shouldn't my dinner have consciousness, before it gets eaten by me and becomes me?
did I just convert the problem of consciousness into the mystery of the eucharist?

do plants have consciousness?  does water?  I've read they do, in fact.
so do individual atoms have it?  where do you draw the line?
how does it arise from dna?

I recently read that humans know how to do just about everything we can dream of,  like time travel or teleportation,  immortality, or even conscious machines.  God is love, and love believes all things (!).

You could be a conscious computer

If robots roamed about, with the knowledge of all the world's libraries and the internet both at their disposal and KNOWN, we would feel very stupid indeed.   That's probably why AI seems retarded, and doesn't pass the Turing test.   A suave, debonair automaton who answered every jeopardy question, won every chess game, and that could impersonate every personality, for starters, would be just too weird and intimidating.   It might not be omniscient, but the totality of human knowledge would seem to come close, I would think.   Then again, there's the adage, the more you know, the more that you know you don't know (did I make that up?).  Ha.

God is a corporation

Godco

The word of God has many authors
God refers to himself in the plural
There are many Gods

also
Jesus is now dead, unless you consider him 'christianity' (the "body of christ", like the "body politic")
"good" is a social construct.
each religion has its own God, which is collectively defined and re-defined by the entire community

also
God is one....but is one plural?

How many people are in your head?  At least two, in my case, in my opinion.
(but I'm working on it) (it being psychic eviction)
maybe the mind is inherently shared (everyone's?)

music
there's someone in my head but it's not me -Pink Floyd
I'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can't change.. -The Verve
I am the walrus, kookoo ka choo (lol) -the beatles

then again,
I am Jesse (Jesus, Chuy, Isai) (the whole office of the eucharist, god makes forget)
and
I am Teshara (as earth) (t' share uh)

I say we're all God, but maybe I'm more God than others
most people who say they are god are crazy, but I think I'm logically coherent.
we are each the center of our own universe
I'm more of a god of my world than yours, maybe
one's world impinges on others through memes, dreams, telepathy, law, interaction
all I'm really saying is I am good
but I believe in basic goodness, so that's not saying much

what is the purpose of telepathy?

what I suspect it's for (a supposition, a theory)

it's also called schizophrenia.  mind to mind conversation.
some people think it's God talking to  them.
The opposite of prayer, when you talk to God (and presumably he can hear you)
some people think it's the devil.  hearing a voice, then, is like being possessed.
or maybe spirits, or angels, or demons, if not just the thoughts of someone you know.

I think my voice is David.  David Eldridge.  David Andrew Eldridge.
He said he was a "natural psychologist," and something about a "global telepath"
I want to be healthy.  I want him to shut the hell up.

I met someone who calls being healed of schizophrenia, "being delivered."
I'm not in that culture, but whatever it is, whatever you want to call it, I hope it happens.
Remission.  Sanity.

They say 40% of college students report hearing voices.
I believe everybody experiences some form of "psychosis."  like dreams.
Dreams, at least some of them, come from outside our heads, in my opinion.
If your head can pick up visions, it can pick up auditory hallucinations, too.

Why do I think David talks to me (in my head, I mean)?
maybe just to bug me.  he's said he hates me.  just because he can.
I think he hates me because I keep telling him to shut up, so it's a vicious circle.

David has said he (and I) are vampires. 
That vampire show on hbo features telepaths (I don't remember the details)
The movie Vampires (John Carpenter's) also features telepaths.
Buffy the vampire slayer, and South Park address it, too.
The voice, the vice, can be "draining", depending how one reacts to it.

but maybe also, because he's an attorney, it's used to influence judges or juries,
or maybe, after prosecution-
to aggravate, to torment, to cause misery, to punish, to intimidate, to scare.
he's said (v's):
I'm at war, Jess
I'm the devil, Jess
so the voice, I guess, is part of a hardcore psychological warfare attempt to control and influence people's experience and opinions.  Mind control.  Maybe even the "collective unconscious" (to borrow from Carl Jung)

by this, I mean he's being "mental" to make prisoners feel worse (or better),  to further justice.

It influences:
-sports (karma for rewarding, punishing the best behaved fans?)
-law, politics, government (executive, legislative, judicial), elections, voting, public opinion.
court cases -judges, juries, lawyers
-international relations, war, psy-ops, deception, national interests
-money

I think money is the root of a lot (most?) of the craziness.
I'd like to think it's helping, not aggravating, the situation.
But maybe that just depends on me.
I was a third world development guy in college.
peace out.

also, How? does it work-
is it in real time, or is it preprogrammed (such as while we sleep?), or maybe both-
is it by minds, computers, or both-
is my mind "broken", like a code, or maybe even like a heart?
(does my brain have a frequency, is it microwaves, "vibes")
what is it when your ears ring, the tone of which has been used in movies..
is david my "source"?
is there a technical difference between the voice in, and voice out?
is this a literal "open-minded" vs. "closed-minded"
is being closed-minded, then, actually healthy? despite the parachute bumper sticker..
("minds are like parachutes, they only work when open")
Who vocalizes my unverbalized thought, and does anyone hear my vocalized thoughts?
is Everyone a telepath? on some level?  how does it work?  do drugs change the picture?
how many people are in my head, lol?  does it change?
I think David has a plural sense of identity, and thinks of me as an extension of himself.
"get out of my face"...I am not a battery.

recent voices (still the same shit, really)
interesting, jess
i can't breathe, Jesse
i'm sorry
i don't know you
i can't believe you
i think you're stupid
david is disturbed
david is insane, allright Jesse
david is scared jesse
sorry, Jess
david screaming Jesse
i hate you
ow
ow, Jesse
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you...
david is dead
david crying, jesse
david is crying
allright, Jesse
oh my god, oh my god...
i'm killing myself, Jesse
I'm going to hell
I can't stop talking
I've had enough of your law
y'know what?  i'm sick jesse

someday, maybe all this shit will stop, and I will be well.
Of course, I think i'm already well, and that it's david who is sick.
I'm just unfortunate enough to have him in my head.

Snowden, Privacy, and Schizophrenia

The right to privacy is -but shouldn't be- a farce

The internet & cell phone calls  are all recorded, as I understand it, by the NSA (national security agency; national= USA).   You are being monitored.   I am.  I would even say people "off the grid" are, too, but I'll get to that later.  I assume it's all filtered by cleverly programmed computers to separate out and identify potential threats, according to military/security algorithms (I don't really know what an algorithm is, but I think that's the right word).  Words, phrases, people who have criminal records, international contact, suspects, persons of interest, people with power/authority...

As this blog points out, we are all powerful.  Gods, in fact.  Potential threats, and potential peacemakers, too.  None of us are alone.  If you believe in prayer, you believe someone is in your head, listening to what you think.  Religion, like politics, is also a method of social control.  The bible says to never stop praying.  Never stop thinking.  Feed the telepath.  Knowledge is power.

The movie 'the matrix' describes the metaphor of people as batteries, feeding the machine.  Pink Floyd sings, welcome to the machine.  I think reality is a kind of computer.  Our brains are, anyway.  I am one of those crazies who actually believes we live in a matrix.  Not that reality is an illusion, but that it is a construct.  I believe I am "a piece of work."  I also think society, even our planet, (I won't say universe, because that has no limit), is a result of conscious effort, of history, of forces, and -yes- computers.  Certainly all our minds collectively create the experience of each moment.

My reality (I don't claim to know what yours is) is a kind of relationship between Morpheus (the god of dreams -life is but a) and Neo ("one", an individual, or God, like everybody else).  This is just glamorizing the fact that I have no privacy.  I'm pretty sure you don't, either.   Not everyone is "mental," as the saying goes,  but everyone has been studied, and I would say most of us are predictable.  We are things.  Human beings are animals, subject to psychology, sociology, and zoology.   So I'm guessing Fate can be gleaned by and from the Hannibal Lecters among us, the psychologically sophisticated, if not by the ever-more powerful computers that are coming online, that can read us (our vibes, our thoughts), if not play us like the chess pieces (which kind do you identify with?) they're so good at strategizing for.   Is life a game?  Can the rules be systematized?  I thinks so.  Law is a part of that.

Anyway, here's a sample of my schizophrenia, from yesterday, when David (my voice) was really getting crazy:
I hate my life
I hate law
I hate my law
I hate my world
I hate my soul
I hate myself
I hate you
I hate my mind
I hate my name
I hate my hate
I hate mine
I'm crying
I hate you, Jesse
david swearing insane
david screaming in pain
david is dead jess
david is crying jess
i'm swallow
i can't breathe
life is really bad, jess
ow, jesse
david is sorrow to you

The voice has stopped mostly, today, and I'm having a good day.  But occasionally this shit takes over, and I need to employ coping strategies from my cbt kaiser class, such as:
(behavioral interventions)

-an earplug in one ear
-background noise, like a fan
-listen to music
-meditation
-exercise (distracts us from focusing on our minds to, instead, focusing on our bodies)
-watch tv (unless it's a trigger), or play a videogame
-go for a walk
-hygiene (brush teeth, brush hair)-focus on breath
-choose to be around nice people, environment/atmosphere affects how we feel, can make voices worse.
-play a musical instrument, hum
h2o
-water therapy (shower, bath, wash face)
-drink/chug a glass of water,
-go swimming
etc. :
-walk on ocean beach, around lake, creeks/river/streams
-white water rafting, waterskiing, surfing!
-fishing
-slip n slide, water balloons, squirt guns

Library Treats

Heaven has a library

8 categories of freebies available for your amusement, entertainment, edification, and education!
-books
-magazines
-movies
-music
-computer time
-audiobooks
-lectures
-newspapers

books
-books are teleportation devices (time/space/alternate universe travel)
-the reader becomes another of the author's characters
-books are to the mind what exercise is to the body (learn to speedread!)
-free education! outsmart the phd's!
-up, up and quit your books!  too much reading is wearying to the flesh.
-one a day is all we ask! (which comes to around 29k in 80 years)
-it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
-fiat bux! all books digitally available for everyone! (including prisoners) censorship, bad!

I'm currently reading Economix, by Michael Goodwin
(how our economy works -and doesn't work-, in words and pictures)
illustrated by Dan E. Burr