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Your pal, Jess
Ladies- I'm a single, straight, virgo/boar INTJ (age 45) who enjoys books, getting out into nature, music, and daily exercise.

(my email is JesseGod@live.com)

F.Y.I. There are about 1000 posts..

Here's a quote from Fyodor Dostoevsky to start things off right: Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.

Monday, September 10, 2012

A selection of (internal) voices from a schizophrenic/telepath

The shit I hear ad nauseum

forget it. I'm not going to do it. I hate my voices. Intrusions.
FU, David.
I don't really want to do this.
They make me sick. Literally.

doctors always ask though.
I always describe them as being like koans, being interpretable in multiple ways-
So here's a sampling, so I don't have to repeat myself:

ow
ow, Jesse
I'm scared
David is crying
David sick of you
David swallow
David crying Jess
I'm sorry Jesse
I'm getting it Jess
I'm wall to you
David killing himself Jesse
David terminating insane
I can't deal
I can't
David is sick Jesse
David screaming
Allright Jesse
I hate myself all wall to you
I'm crying
I'm going to hell okay?
I'm terminate Jesse
David is dead
I hate you Jesse
I hate my sel
I'm creeping in sor
I've had enough
David is dead Jesse
David is crying at wahr
I'm sorry I'm a jinn to you
I need him
I'm sorry
I can't breathe
I can't breathe Jesse
with that, I have a problem
mmmm
David disturbed
I can't take my life Jesse
I'm freaking out
Alright Jesse I'm scare
I'm scared
David is insane
I'm going Jesse
I want him porcelain next to you
uh
I can't take... my name
David is going insane
Jesus
I'm sick Jesse
David is insane Jesse
you're the devil
It's going to be a long summer
David crying Jesse
David is sorry
David is sorry Jesse
You know what Jesse fine
I'm scared of you Jesse
that's all Jesse
It
It, Jesse

And I keep saying shut up, stfu, sun, suf, leave me alone, stop talking to me, f- you -expletive-, etc.

I'm dying
I'm dying Jess
David screaming in pain
She hates you
Alright, I'm freaking mad Jesse
David sad

f- you
I'm doom Jesse
I can't believe you
I'm a (k)night (k)no(w)
I want you to gym him ok
I can't take it
I fucking can't take it
I want him pizza

people are dead Jesse
the world is dead Jesse
he knows it's a game
alright jesse they have a big dumb
they freaking jewish you

y'know what, fine
I don't know you
I'm screaming insane, Jesse
I'm hating
I'm freak
I'm vomit
jesse believe me when I say you are a sky high
i'm insanely scar by your star
that's it
I am demon at your law
people are launching to 'like the pope'
I hate the zoo
I am going
I cannot handle mai lai everywhere
I am scar
we are tired of the scar at your star

there's a lot more he's said to me, that I have written down -and not-...
I have no idea why I hear this shit.
I keep saying Why? are you TALKing to me?? n-word. you f-ing a-hole, or you f-word

I also get headshocks and chestpains, related to these voices and how I respond to them.

schizophrenia is not fun. (although maybe it could be)
I want silence. I want the voices to stop. I keep saying Stop hurting me. Stop fucking hurting me.
It's David who is sick, not me.
If he would only shut up, I would be well.

David Andrew Eldridge, my voice, is an attorney -a deputy attorney general for the state of california-, a mathematician, a chess player, a self-described "natural psychologist", an African-American, a homosexual, a genius I think, and a really incredibly annoying presence in my mind that just won't go away. Now he's just somebody that I used to know (at Davis, in college), and who I never want to talk to again, ever. I think he established the telepathic link through having me listen to a long period of static on his car radio. He also broke a piece of wood when I was in his room, which was really weird.

update 12-18-12, recent voices (a partial selection)
I'm freaking out
I'm going to hell
David is pa(in) muted)
with that, I'm a suffer
ow
alright Jesse
I'm sick as hell, alright?
David is not music to you
David is cry
I can't breathe
I hate my soul
Alright, again I'm trying to kill him
I swore
David is disaster
David in sin
I'm scream
I hate war
David is dead Jesse
I'm going dime
I hate myself, Jesse
I can't believe I'm cree
I'm rec (wreck?) to you
David sad jesse
David screaming deadly jesse
David at war
David is distress
David is dead
I could kill you
I'm sorry Jess
David is crying

I am completely insane
you are the weirdest individual i have ever met
david screaming
i'm entire jesse
i've got issues
i've got issues with law jesse
i'm a complete dick
alright I'm at war jesse
i've had enough, jesse
alright jesse i'm tormented by war
you're totaly broken jess
you're right jess
u r a document, jesse
you're dad is crazy jess
you're definitely seriously a candidate for antichrist
maybe a good one
i'm tired of 2
i'm sick of you
because you derive everything
you're a genius about power too
that is election you
she's crazy jess
you have a phd
i am deeply weepy
i hate myself


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