Changing the World vs. Changing the Self

I'm quite pleased with myself as I am
(for better or worse)

Here's a quote from the 12-step program entitled,
ACCEPTANCE

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. (Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;) unless I accept life on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
-p.449 "Big Book"

Frankly, I will tell you straight up: I HATE this paragraph/quote. Loathe it, despise it, abominate it, execrate it, abhor..HATE IT.

Don't get me wrong: it is good to be serene. And if believing this is the only way for serenity, well so be it. BUT...

I will never accept the evil in this world. And neither should anyone. Acceptance is not the answer to anyone's problems. If you accept evil, you are evil. So just do a good turn daily, as the Scouting for boys program says. As long as "making a difference" is an acronym for M.A.D., I'll be insane in that sense til the day I die, unrepentant.

There is no God in the sense of an "owner of reality" from whom there are no mistakes. That is complete bullshit, and I think everyone with a sound mind should agree with me. I can only refer you to the photograph which I have posted earlier on my blog which scars the psyches of all who view it, link. You call that reality good?? Even God makes mistakes. I do. It's a big mess, and probably always will be, but that doesn't mean one shouldn't do one's utmost to make the best of any and all situations.

Fixing Africa (and all the rest) is a doable human achievement, you know.

God, whether (Reality/Nature/TheUniverse/Everything/Love/Me/You/Everyone..) is simply a way of making good of an indifferent, if not frankly malicious universe, as "the cards" may perhaps be, as dealed to You. So some hypnosis is in order, and we inherit beliefs that help us cope. I sure hope I/this blog can help you cope. It's helping me, I think.

Anyway, in the battle of changing yourself vs. the world, why not Both? Just like billiard balls, every contact changes the paths of both balls.

MIB stands for Men In Black, who deal with outer space aliens, just as the Universe itself can be considered Malicious, Indifferent, or Benevolent (through the will of these beings?)

Maybe there is an "owner of reality." I'm not buying it, lol. If it's anyone, I guess it's me. Must I buy my own bullshit? I don't own any bulls, and if I did I wouldn't value Michael Jordan's poo.
(sorry, that was uncalled for).

Oh, and Teshara anagrams to 'as earth', remember?

I realize I have a problem. I may not be schizophrenic according to the DSM IV sense any more, (the annoying telepathy is waning), but i still have a bifurcated morality that says it is good to hate as well as love, which in common language might describe a schizophrenic (two-faced) perspective. But the hate comes from a place of love...the hate is subsumed, created by the love...maybe it really is all good, every cause has it's effect. Perhaps that picture will catalyze the global revolution!

My "revolution" is simply a happy life and basic needs met for all humanity, intelligently planned to be sustainable, too.

Anyway, I know evil exists, though -because murder can be a hobby, a twisted exercise for the sole purpose of sport, for fun -humans being just animals- the most dangerous game.
I'll stop now.

David Whyte's Poem

and Commentary, by yours truly

Poem
It doesn't interest me if there is one God or many gods. I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned. If you can know despair or see it in others.

I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you. If you can look back with firm eyes saying, "This is where I stand."

I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing.

If you are prepared to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.
--------------------------------

okay, my wife read this aloud, and it gelled a bit for me.
here's my take on the parts I didn't get at first (fierce heat of living, falling toward..,consequence of love and bitter/sure defeat)

there is both one God and many, it's the same thing: God is everything. The same love permeates all. I belong. I have abandoned others, but not in a too horrible way, I would say, and in the same way, others have abandoned me. I don't consider myself a magnetic personality, exactly. No matter, I value my solitude. I have missed being in more social environments like schools or workplaces. I wonder if I will be "well" enough soon to return. I can both see despair in others and know it myself. I CAN deal with a world's harsh need to change me: for example, to submit (my pride is not all-consuming, although I'll admit it's close). Falling toward the center of my longing... I have a longing for a better world, but I know from my own psychological genesis, that the dark side is here to stay, so to speak. Creation entails destruction, for example. Zealotry for good entails hatred of the bad. I know how to melt into the fierce heat of living -say a wild sexual life- but I'd rather just work quietly on my blog, a companion to Sara. I'm supposed to live a calm and tranquil life, not the life of Batman or whatever, lol. The consequences of love are vulnerability....sure defeat would be death, I imagine. A broken heart can be cruelly sad.

The "bitter unwanted passion of your sure defeat" refers to the fact that there will never be a perfect world, for either a utopian heavenly ideal of universal love or, conversely, a world of anarchy, without laws, where everyone enforces their own idea of justice (if these ideas even clash, actually, lol). Anyway, I'm right where I want to be, and I'll be defeated by time or tomorrow's headlines or some other disappointment, of course, in any case, and so it goes.

I'm not buying into this supposed fact that I have to embrace an unwanted passion of sure defeat as part of being in love. Love is sufficient. A dull, boring, everday, conversant, friendly, kindly, kind of love. "Passion" is the code word for Jesus on the cross, or people dying for a cause, or what truly makes people tick. I'm happy to know a little bit more each day, being a significant other, and entertaining the possibility that my simple pleasures might actually not have to ever end. I'm 38, I plan to become stronger and more fit, and maybe have (a kid/kids) in the not too distant future. That's good enough for me. Life has it's drama, comedy and tragedy alike, sometimes in unequal measure. I, too, am a god who believes in God. (I'll let you wonder what I mean by that :-)

Wherever I Go

There I am

I am a turtle. I AM my own home. I occupy myself.

I am sane.
My home was San Francisco. Now I live in San Ity. Sane City.
I have the sanity of a manatee.
If I ever swim in a European river, I might be In the Seine.

Yeah, whatever, nevermind. Thanks for the meme, Kurt.
Justice, just ice?

But, seriously folks. I'm not insane. That's a legal category.
Mentally ill? I'm diagnosed (with/as having) schizo-affective disorder.
That means I am (that is to say, occasionally am, I guess) psychotic.

What's my Psychosis/psychoses?

a mental disorder characterized by symptoms, such as delusions or hallucinations, that indicate impaired contact with reality. any severe form of mental disorder, as schizophrenia or paranoia.

Not in touch with reality. Maybe I'm in touch with Reality, lol.

I have an occasional voice in my head. It's going away. The madness, I hope, is receding.
There's a lot to be mad at, of course. But I guess I'll happily do my thing, even as the world seems mired in a world of shit, and that's the only way of sanity, all cheerfully jesus loving and shit. Seriously, though, fuck you David, you sick fuck. From now on, stop talking to me, alright?

Excuse my french.

Aggressive v. Respectful Atheism

Here's a link to an article i found on npr today: link

It's weird, but everybody's right.

The highly religious can be integrated into the highly atheist, if you try hard enough (we're talking about the same reality, after all).

Everybody is their own G/g od , even if they hypnotize themselves that god is an (External) higher power.

Furthermore, I've come to see that consciousness pervades everything, and we call that everything God. The Universe, consciousness bestowed-on, is God. We can call this universe indifferent, or we can program it to be beneficial or loving or what have you. Likewise, any small piece of which, from ourselves to a grain of sand or something, can be considered a microcosm of that greater reality, because space is something that a mathematical bent of mind can easily view as being both finite and infinite.

I see it as infinite. And actually, I recognize "the force" in everyday life. For example, I rode my bike toward an oncoming car while crossing a street, but I felt like I had to stop, which I credit to possibly saving my life. One could call that God. Just like the voice in my head, or my dog, or the breeze (as it moves over the face of the deep).

Sarah Silverman on feeding the hungry

Here's the excerpt from the article about Sarah Silverman's attempt at comedy regarding the Vatican selling all it's property/holdings to feed the poor.

"the "Catholic Church operates more hospitals and feeds more of the poor than any private institution in the world."

Yet the Rev. James Martin, culture editor of the Jesuit magazine America, says Silverman may be onto something. In an online article, Martin noted that Jesus himself told his followers to sell what they had and give it to the poor.

"Of course Pope Benedict XVI could not 'sell' any of the treasures of the Vatican, the same way that your local archbishop couldn't sell off the cathedral at a whim; they are not his, they are the church's," Martin wrote. "And the church is not simply the hierarchy but the entire people of God."

he added: "Still, perhaps Ms. Silverman, in her postmodern, potty-mouthed way is on to something. Like Jesus was. Sell the Vatican? Well, maybe not everything but perhaps a statue or two?"

For the record, the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization, which just released its annual report on the state of world hunger, says global food output will have to increase by 70 percent to feed a projected population of 9.1 billion in 2050.

To achieve that, poor countries will need $44 billion in annual agricultural aid, compared with the current $7.9 billion, the Rome-based FAO said. Overall, an annual net investment in agriculture of $83 billion is needed to feed the world.

Even if the pope were to sell the Vatican, it wouldn't be enough.

In 2004, the Vatican disclosed that the Holy See's real estate was worth 700 million euros, or about $908 million at the time. That doesn't include St. Peter's Basilica and the Sistine Chapel, which the Vatican termed priceless and valued at a symbolic 1 euro.

It would fetch a pretty penny, lol. How many pretty pennies are there in 1 euro?

I have to admit that the above statistics don't make sense to me or sit well with me. I don't believe a global population of 3 billion MORE people (from the 6ish or so now) would require 70% more output. In fact, with the amount of waste, I wonder if the 3B could be fed on current expenditure. If humanity were to go vegetarian, for example, how much would THAT save? Or, if seaweed, and peanut butter or what have you...inexpensive diets can be designed to meet the nutritional requirements of the world, no? If all the american land that was devoted to front lawns, for example, or the lack of -such as the japanese- modern urban gardening, were switched to food, that would help a bunch. Is the Vatican buying into these stats, or what? 70% more output, REALLY?? How hard might this be, with modified seeds and advanced biology, etc. Also, does the church have a better view of 2050 than anyone else? They have the Holy See, after all, whatever that is.

Ugh

Well, my chief angel up here in heaven let me down a bit, you could say

I feel numb and malicious. Dull, like the gray day, and seriously whatever to anything, except the continuing stupidity and madness of all the shit around me, which I occasionally pipe up to put a word of protest in to restore some sanity to this occasional shithole of worthlessness.

So it goes, as they say.

Well, whatever. Life goes on.
I have to be up at 5:30am tomorrow morning, for my 2 hour and 20 minute ride to Vallejo. What if God was one of us, just a stranger on a bus...

Goodnite, and lots of nightmares or sweet dreams or whatever the hell you're inclined to enjoy more.

Zzz, Sleep Well

Not too much and Not too little, but Just Right

I think everyone should wake up rested and refreshed, naturally, every day. Like to the cock's crow or whatever, say sunshine beaming on your face, not some crazy alarm clock that you smack to death every morning, possibly in the midst of a really interesting dream.

Anyway, according to the National Sleep Foundation, only about half of adults in the U.S. get a good night's sleep every night. Lost sleep links to poor work perfomrance, auto accidents, relationship difficulties, and anger/depression.

Maybe you only need 5 hours, and you think you need 9 or something. Seriously.

Good God is Good Love

Healthy Love vs. Addictive Love
Relationship Assessment
(with god, others, a significant other, yourself, or whatever)

If God is Love, God can be Addictive or God can be, on the other hand, well, Healthy.

Healthy Love
-allows for individuality, energizes
-experiences and enjoys both oneness with and separateness from partner
-brings out the best qualities in both partners
-accepts endings
-experiences openness to change, exploration
-invites growth in both partners
-experiences deep intimacy
-experiences freedom to ask honestly for what is wanted
-experiences giving and receiving as one, the giving is conditional same
-does not attempt to change or control the partner
-encourages self-sufficiency of partner
-accepts limitations of self and partner
-does not insist on unconditional love/ is unconditional love
-can make and honor commitments, anti-dependency
-has high self esteem and sense of well-being
-trust memory of beloved; enjoys solitude
-expresses feelings spontaneously
-welcomes closeness, risks vulnerability
-cares, but can remain detatched
-affirms equality, personal power of self, partner

Addictive Love (are you addicted to God?)
-Feels all consuming or energy draining
-difficulty defining ego boundaries
-has elements of sadomasochism
-fears letting go
-fears risk, change, the unknown
-allows little individual growth
-lacks deep intimacy
-manipulates to get needs met
-gives to get something back
-attempts to change or control the partner
-needs partner to feel complete
-seeks solution outside of self
-demands and expects unconditional love
-refuses or abuses commitment
-looks to partner for affirmation, worth
-fears abandonment upon routine separation
-re-creates familiar negative feelings
-desires, yet fears, closeness
-attempts to "take care" of partners feelings
-plays power games ("one upmanship")

this is from a worksheet that has you tally 0 for never, 1 for rarely, 2 for sometimes, 3 for often, 4 for almost always, and 5 for always, so you can score yourself.

Are you an addict?
You might as well face it, you're addicted to love.
Maybe everyone should go through the breakdown on love, instead of simply saying Love, love, love...make love not war, or whatever. Dig a little deeper.

Some POW's

Pearls of Wisdom, that is

On Time, and carpe diem (seize the day)

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with 86,400 dollars. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever balance went unspent. What would you do?
You'd draw out every penny, of course.

Each of us has such a bank, it's name is TIME

Every morning, you have 86,400 seconds to "spend".

You must live in the present on today's deposits. You should invest it so as to get the utmost in health, happiness, and success. The clock is running. Make the most of Today.

Remember, time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history
tomorrow is a mystery
today is a gift, that's why it's called the Present.

To realize the value of one millisecond, ask the person who won the silver and not the gold at the Olympics.

And a year would be 365x 86,400. What's that? a lot of seconds.

Y&T

Rock On!

Actually, this is a poem entitled 'Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow'

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday with it mistakes and cares, it's faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed foreer beyond our control.

All the mony in the wolrd cannot bring nack yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed, we canot erase a sing word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large and poor perfomrance. Tomorrow is also beyon our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds-but it will rise. Until it does, we have not stake in Tomorrow, for it is as yuet unborn.

This leaves only one day...Today. Any person can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I add the Y esterday and Tomorrow taht we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives people mad-it is remores or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefor, live but one day at a time.

Boo! Duh. Happy Halloween.

I'm changing into a fat chub-chub for Halloween.

I weigh 225 pounds, the most I've ever been. Rub my Buddha belly, y'all.

Seriously, I need to exercise and watch the intake frequency and quantity and quality.

I'm reading about the Soka Gokkai thing, and I'd say it's not half-bad.
Except for the part about how easy it seems to be to get enlightened paired with the phrase if you meet the buddha, kill the buddha. That reminds me of the christian thing about being christlike, which would seem to entail self-sacrifice. I'm all about the (vulcan, is it) live long and prosper! I love life, and hope to enjoy lots of it.

I need to lose weight. I've got a lot of it in the worst area, my belly. I like sweets. I've got 4 cavities. Geez, louise. I've had "death by chocolate" ice cream, and I've heard of phrases like "sickly sweet" and "killing with kindness." I'm not sure what to make of it all.

Kyo

"sound" (or teaching)

Should we consider all sound as something instructive?

Again with the nmrk (Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo). Kyo is the lotus-sutra's title, and "the language of the Buddha" It's "the ultimate invocation of life" Simply by chanting, we experience the energy and wisdom to make our lives fulfilled.

Our prayers are communicated into the depths of our being through the chant/when we invoke the sound of the mystic law. We "bring forth" from within ourselves.

It says "the only issue is whether we can create value in our lives and help others do the same."
We seek to fulfill our desires, and resolve our conflicts.

Peace, out.
Nam-myoho-renge-kyo!

Renge

This means lotus blossom in sanskrit, I believe

It encapsulates the reality of the mystic law, because it represents

-the dynamic of flow (nothing stays the same). (a lotus blossom is located in water)

-this particular flower seeds and blooms at the same time, representing the simultanaity of cause and effect. (causes are TWA: thoughts, words, and actions, which set the stage for when the time comes later in the right environmental circumstances to manifest the reality of these twa's) "Each cause registers an effect in the depths of life."

-out from the muck and mire, the lotus blossom produces beauty. loveliness.
(boy, you can say that again) Let's hear it for Blossom (and bubbles, and buttercup)

It's this last part of it that stands out primarily to me. I see a lot of potential in A LOT of muck and mire.

ANyway, NMRK. The SGI would remind you that the ENTIRE phrase holds the key. "Chanting nam-myoho-renge-kyo is the deepest cause we can make in order to achieve our desired effect"
(It's Nichiren Daishonin's version of Jesus's Our Father)

Myoho

Mystic Law

The nam-myoho-renge-kyo statement, refrain, chant, whatever IS the mystic law. Life gets better when you tune into the SGI wavelength, no? (if that's what's happening)

The mystic law is a mysterious mystery of mysticism, lol. It's ineffable, incomprehensible. "The mind cannot comprehend, and words cannot possibly express.." Life transcends concepts of existence or nonexistence, it says. It is the Middle Way that is the ultimate reality.

This sounds right, I have to say. Humans can be zombie-ish, and a piece of art, for example, can come alive. It's the whole vampire thing, and being drained vs. Ful-filled?

myo is the mystic nature of life
ho is it's manifestations

Nam

Nam means devotion

"By devoting our lives to this law (myoho) through our faith, practice, and study, we will awaken the life-condition of Buddha, or enlightenment, inside ourselves.

NMRK
(Nam-myoho-renge-kyo)

Sara and I actually own an SGI Gohonzon..

-nam is the shortened form of Namu.

Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

This phrase, or mantra, is what governs life eternally throughout the universe. Say it a couple times, let it sink in. Feel better?

You're supposed to.

The Soka Gokkai International promote this form of Buddhism, and I was introduced to it while incarcerated.

NMRK (or Nam-myoho-renge-kyo) stands for devotion, mystic law, lotus blossom, sound. The phrase itself IS the mystic law. Kinda bizarre and cool, huh?

Sara was into it for a couple months of her life, awhile back, and our house has a shrine, containing the scroll with the mantra and some other wow (words of wisdom) in it (incomprehensible, however, in sanskrit or chinese or whatever).

It's possibly the world's most simple religion. I like that.

It's all about having a winning life (like life is a competition). Whatever. But still, the introductory pamphlet describes having the power to face and surmount our deepest problems.

Life can beat you down, so I suppose you have to beat down life in return, to be/stay on top.

The pamphlet promises an inner transformation, requiring a basic change in our hearts and character- an inner revolution of freedom, happiness, and harmony with others.

You know, I just saw a music video of Michael Jackson yesterday, and I was amazed at his glow of absolute happiness, during the video, as his body pulsed freely and intensely to the track. It was intense what that guy could project. I was blown away. I guess this kind of thing might be what the SGI is talking about.

I was swimming in Michael Jackson's water, and I felt buoyed.

I say that because this funky religion makes no distinction between a person and his/her environment. (One is the source for the other, for better or worse)

This Buddhist form doesn't espouse an eradication of desires. Instead, you're supposed, through faith, to "magnetize" your dream(s) toward yourself. Receiving your desires is described as having "rocket fuel" toward your enlightenment, in which you become a Buddha, or share in Buddhahood.

Buddhism, it says, is the practice that allows us to access the traits that allow us to tackle every problem or challenge that confronts us, and win.

See, religion is kind of like football, lol.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo
Peace!

Hi, World

Well, I'm back from a brief hiatus.

Upon briefly reviewing some of my more recent posts, I see how I've been a bit loony, you might say (or at least came off that way). I'm in the process of working on that, and rejoining the rational in the land of logic and eloquence.

I'm on really good medications, and socializing daily with really good people, so my Godliness can take a form less rude, crude, and unacceptable. 137! lol.

Seriously, my madness is receding, as Pink Floyd might say, and I'm able to tolerate what I formerly would call the evilness of television.