Uncle Jesse says

God the Father

(just a thought):

Welcome to earth, little one.  Here’s what you need to know: smile, so people like you.  Cry when you need a new diaper or need milk.  Wait, you do that automatically.  You don’t even understand these words.  What the hell was I thinking?  Well, yes, you’ve been born, and your mom is your main source of warmth and affection.  The planet you’re on is called Earth.  Can I try that breastmilk?  Just kidding.  All yours!  Hope you enjoyed your first birthday!  Wait, I mean your birth.   Day 1.  Day 366 is your first birthday, I think.  Wow, you’re zero years old.  I can’t even imagine being that young, anymore.  I saw a movie called The Zero Effect, which was fun.  Years ago.  A lifetime, really.  Anyway, you can’t even see that far in front of you.   And you don’t even know how your body works.  Movies come later!  You can’t walk, or even crawl.  You’re completely helpless!  It’s a good thing you’re so adorable.  Peekaboo!  Here, grab my finger.  Did you leave a present for mommy?  Ahh, you did.  You like the sound of my voice!  I’ll keep talking.  Babies need to be talked to.  The more words, the better.  And breastmilk is better than formula.  That’s all I know.  I should know baby Heimlich maneuver, just in case.  There’s probably a lot more to know.  Shit.  I don’t know what i’m doing.  There are so many books about childcare and parenthood!  Warmth and affection, touch and attention, love and care, and it takes a village!  Grandparents and friends and family, we’re all in this together.  Goodnite, little one.  Mommy and daddy love you.  Sweet dreams.  Kisses.  Coochy coochy coo!  Shhh.   Don’t cry.  I know, it’s a rough world.  Sleep tight.  Nighty night.  Pat pat pat.  Here’s your pacifier.   Rockabye baby…  ooh, you spit up.  Do you want to hold him/her?  She won’t mind.  Mommy needs a nap.  

Books and high chair and crib and clothes and blankets and a sleep-sheep and baby food and a breast pump and a changing table and diapers and wipes and… a clean pacifier and.. a babysitter!  Be prepared.  Plug those outlets.  Honey, no.  Don’t put that in your mouth.  This little piggy.  The cowboy on the knee.  The bouncy seat for the doorway.  The sleeping position rules (?).  Not on his belly?  Better look that up.  Gotta pay for college.  Scouting.  Sorry about the global warming.   Most of us are trying, I think.  Hopefully, you can enjoy nature like we did.  Your world will be so different!  You can try different religions.   You can play guns.  Maybe you’ll win a spelling bee!  Maybe a geography bee!  Maybe Jeopardy.   What do you want to be when you grow up?  Tomorrow is, a new day.  president?  Boys or girls (both?).  Kids?   I wanna be a grandpa.  Live until you die, is the only way to stay sane.  Luvin’ is what I got, I said, remember that.  It’s windy, let’s go fly a kite.  Santa!  He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness’ sake!