Sick and Tired

Tired, Gr

I am tired, so very very tired. It's not easy being God. Everyone is so stupid, annoying, mean, ugly, rude, selfish, cruel. There is not one single presidential candidate I fully support.  And it seems friends are few, sometimes.  And I am not in love with anyone.  But I still love myself. My one true love, me, keeps me going, ever forward, in this retarded world of ignorance, foolishness, and idiocy. I appreciate almost no one else. It's me and my music, my books, and this, my blog. I engage in mental masturbation, and keep myself entertained, busy, occupied. I have an entire library to read, endless music to enjoy, and some money saved up. And I have a voice in my head, a stupid n- vampire who just wants to drain every lost drop of fun from my miserable life. Fuck you, David.

My goal is to become even more Godly; as Godly, in fact, as I can possibly be. I want to fulfill my potential. I want to have a body builder's body, a speed-reader's brain, an encyclopedic memory, and vast stores of knowledge, with which I can regale, teach, amuse, and entertain anyone I should happen to cross paths with. I want to be all I can be. I want to be superhuman. I want to love myself, and maybe love someone else, if I ever get lucky enough to meet a woman who loves me as much as I do. I want to be content, happy, rich, comfortable, amused. Mentally and physically healthy.  Not a tortured or demented soul. I want to be remembered for making a better world, for being in service, for setting an example.

And I want to be good. I'm sick of all this murderous hatred, instigated by the piece of shit n-f- who I have evicted from my head, yet who persists in remaining encamped within, violating my privacy, purposely provoking me to anger and a semi-constant state of irritation, with the voice, not to mention the head-shocks, the chest pains, the teeth-taps, forcing me to a furious state of malice, and lust for a just karmic revenge on this complete asshole. I am sick and tired of it. I have had enough. I want to enjoy life, enjoy being in my own body, and be at peace. But David is the devil (although he's quieted down a bit, lately, and even apologized, whatever that's worth). What can I do? What should I do? He FORCES me to act other than how I would like. I am not a racist or a homophobe. I'm simply sick of him, and I use this language in my head to indicate my disgust. I crave freedom, freedom to be myself, and freedom from psychic intrusion. I am a kind person.

Buddhist teaching instructs me to eschew greed, hatred, and delusion. Greed is attachment, both positive and negative, craving and aversion, like and dislike, love and hate, desire and disgust. I can be at peace, helped by meditation, by simply accepting reality, being “one” with everything, including DAE (that is: David Andrew Eldridge), I guess. But I still have my preferences. If I can't change the world, then I better change myself. But I'm crazy enough to think my radical obstinacy could be effective, worthwhile, helpful – despite the pain. I am a psychic warrior. And I am not the only one. But the goal is paradise, loving life, while alive, which is an achievable and reasonable objective. This clashing of wills is draining, aggravating, often insufferable and intolerable, and I'm basically at the point where I'm thinking 'fuck it, whatever, I give up.' Really, sometimes I think I should just show up at his door with a shotgun - but that's never been me: I suffer in silence, endure; think, write, and hope and pray for peace and comfort and happiness. And of course there's always the hope for an afterlife in heaven, which unfortunately doesn't provide any comfort to me, aside from the presumed absence of suffering inherent in death's eternal Oblivion of non-being. I just don't believe in that ELF shit. No one lives forever. In fact, everything is impermanent: not even a diamond is forever.

And that's where it stands. Everyone dies, and everybody does what they can to fight for what they believe in, getting great pleasure in the suffering of their enemies and antagonists. The alternative is the calm of acceptance, subscribing to the reality of the phrase “all right.” But worshipping the devil is the “left hand path”, which is presumably “all left”, in which everything is WRONG, so murder is acceptable, or just as wrong as anything else, so the only rule is to not get caught (unless you want to!).

As tempting as that may be, that's no way to live, in my book: I'll continue muddling along, with neither everything “all right,” or the horribly depressing opposite philosophy, it's “all wrong.” However:

God is a man of war, vengeance is mine sayeth the lord, there is a time to kill, there is no one who does not sin, the price of sin is death. THOU shalt not kill, but I AM is God (and there are certainly acts of God that wipe out masses of people), and “only God is good.” So be God, be good, and get crackin at whatever makes you happy, before you inevitably die, hopefully without any regrets, having made your own heaven, while alive! And happiness truly is a warm gun (beatles). And I hate everyone, maybe/it seems, so fuck you world, eat my shit, burn in hell, die in hell, rot in hell. Crush the entire world like they were all cockroaches (beetles). Apocalypse now, motherfuckers. Gr.

Dying in hell is torture, of course. But some of you assholes deserve it. The trick is not to deserve it, yourself. So if you must, kill the evil, to make it good. Or kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out (because they all have it coming). There's really no difference. But some people are more evil than others, and deserve it more. And sin is defined by you, God. I am not for evil. I am not a/the devil. Many are better off dead. Many would be better off dead. And society would be better off with many others dead. The devil is in fact God's servant, a part of God, in fact, so you are free to identify with whatever pole of morality, whatever lord of lies, you wish. Because both God and Satan don't exist, like Santa. It's ALL evil. So fuck it, do what thou wilt. Unless it's all good, which only happens if you're in love.

(But maybe killing and love aren't incompatible, anyway. You can love a person, and kill others. I think an awful lot of us are programmed that way). Or maybe it's all good: murder, death, oblivion, incarceration, torture, anything. No, I don't think so. We need a kinder, gentler nation. Oblivion is comparatively heavenly, in relation to torture...but that doesn't make t good. Although, Christianity thinks the crucifixion was a good thing, right? I guess Jesus had it coming. God is love, so if you're in love, you're in God, even if you're an atheist.

So love me, and prevent a holocaust! (not.  but it can be satisfying to think so).  I love me, and so should you. I really am great, believe me! I say I hate everyone, but that's not strictly true, because I love ME. If I ever start hating myself, I could be both homicidal and suicidal, like all those other assholes you read about in the paper every day, exploding themselves for Allah. I sure hope that never happens. Of course, you could love me for offing myself without any collateral damage. But I don't believe suicide is ever the answer. After all, there's always ecstasy, heroin, lsd, 'shrooms, and crack! Or maybe just sex would be sufficient.

Anyway, I may be wrong about hating everybody (I really don't get out all that often). Like soldiers, they seem pretty cool. Devil-dog leathernecks feel the need to “get some”. It's like a legal gang. But I approve only if they don't give a damn, lol. Damnation, literally, is a damned nation. And a nation is a greater family. America rules, America sucks, it's the whole ball of wax. You gotta keep fighting, even when you get back from the front. The front is everywhere. Don't think for an instant that the commander-in-chief wouldn't love to kill many, many Americans. You don't have to submit all your life. Be your own God, and kill your own enemies. That's how I feel right now, (as election season starts up, again). Revenge is sweet. Vengeance is a dish best served cold. DGC.  I'm not actually endorsing criminality:  I'm just saying, I understand (the urge, the need, the temptation).  I'm not a God that cares, but there are plenty of others who do.  It's just that, from my perspective, there's not a whole lot of difference between going to war abroad, and murderous criminality on the streets, back home.  You should either be against both, or tolerate both, according to a consistent ethic.  I like both the idea of hardcore soldiers (on a mission, always and everywhere), as well as peace-loving pacifists (bumper sticker: "I'm already against the next war") (CO's: Conscientious Objectors).  I imagine God as the perfect synthesis of both.

I put myself in the position of being placed in the crosshairs, myself. Whatever. There are worse ways to go. Making a stand and being targeted because of integrity to one's own values is virtuous. I hope to live really, really long, though. My big goal, as of now, is to read thousands of books. I like the idea of being an educated, harmless bookworm (as opposed to a serial killer assassin). It's a great escape, and seems to be a lot less dangerous. I certainly hope so. Back to the books. My current read is The Devil's Race-Track, Mark Twain's Great Dark Writings. I read most of Mark Twain's oeuvre when I was a kid. I've just finished Thunderbolt Kid, by Bill Bryson; Amnesia, by Peter Carey; and Law 101, by Jay M. Feinman. So it goes. Another day, another book.