I am both angry and serene
because my ex-"wife" is:
-taking practically all my money to pay bills, including
her debt, a new computer, a smart phone, and cigarrettes (while unemployed),
-loudly f-ing her new boyfriend in the next room
-getting in my face to see what's wrong, as if she doesn't know
-and finally, I'm mad at myself for being stupid enough to spend over 6 years of my life with this woman who:
1)only had sex with me like 5 times total, since we exchanged rings
(rings I might add that have proven to be worthless for resale,
which I suppose perfectly sums up why her jewelry business went bankrupt)
2)cheated on me with at least 3 people, (Shaw, Paul, and some BDSM guy)
and possibly more, while I stayed true
(truth, of course, is a whole other story)
while having the gall of her breaking up with me for not showing "emotional support"
whatever that is-
I asked her repeatedly what she meant and she never once told me.
I'm also serene (some of the time, but hopefully progressively more as time goes on)
-because I'm happy it's over, as well (good riddance)
-I've resumed buddhist meditation,
which helps extinguish suffering through mindfulness meditation (peaceful abiding)
(they say, and I hope)
focusing on posture, breath, and just noting thoughts as they come and go,
still and quiet,
emphasizing compassion, kindness, and gentleness
as well as coming to a realization of what's making me unhappy:
namely, attachments and ignorance/delusion
attachments can be positive or negative, craving or aversion, greed or hatred...
and what makes me happy:
endorphins/exercise, library stimulus (e.g. music, blog, books, magazines, movies), and nature.
for starters. I like smiles. I need to learn to be "happy for no reason."
anyway, I'm looking in earnest for a new place now, so a change will be good.
move on, as they say.
and I'm going to the zoo with my aunt (just like a kid, but why not!)
1 year ago