Buenos Dias, Mundo

Good Morning, World!   

It’s 11:50a, so still kinda early.   I slept in.  No dogs today.  Doin’ some laundry, and bought a Red Bull (20 oz), and living well.   The bathroom door, which was locked yesterday (from the inside), is fixed.    And the house is calm.  I slept in my room last night.  The Buddha statue keeps finding his way to the dark places of my room (say, under the chair) :-).    As good a place as any, I suppose.  I watched Jeopardy! last night.   And managed to feel slightly smart during Wheel of Fortune.    We started into the jelly beans.  Hopefully they will last a good long while.  I’m still working on Pynchon (V.), as well as Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.  I don’t know if it’s ME kicking the Alexa plug, or Kelli unplugging the thing deliberately, but it’s much less online than it used to be.   Whatever.   I knocked over the Dyson fan, but it still works, thank goodness.   I’ve cleared out a lot of books, making some precious space, and improving the feel.   I checked out an old Economist from the  library, and I’m lacking nothing.    We have food.   Without want.   School started for my nephews yesterday, which I hope they enjoy.   The pressure and stress on these kids, for grades, for sports….  Just be natural, and play.   Even being bored doesn’t seem all that bad, if you ask me.  

stimulus and response (all life ever is?);   action / reaction;   behavio r/ consequences

princess incest, deployed to destroy, troops on trips, shift shafts, favored flavors, albatrossities

curses and blessings and protective spells against:    evil eye, envy, jealousy, dark energies, energy vampires, parasites, shadows, narcissists, negative people...

For Better or Worse

Hopefully, Better

My relationship with Kelli and living situation have taken a turn for the worse.   She said she hates me, in fact.   I do not feel that way about her, but I AM tired of being berated and yelled at on an ongoing basis.  We share a room.   She wants my room.   We each pay around $750.      We have separate rental agreements.   I’m not even sure she really has one.   She is angry all the time.   She shouts at people in her head, in the fan, and sometimes real people like me or my roommates.   Next to nothing I do is right or meets her approval, and the general attitude is one of disgust and annoyance.   She says I need to leave the room, immediately.   Just like almost everyone else in the house, including the landlord.   Everyone in the house (except Aaron, for some reason) has this status (of illegal occupancy), in her mind.   The house is the locus of immense criminal activity, if you listen to her.   Beatings, rape, murder.   Even chopping off feet.   I’m not kidding.   I have no idea where she comes up with these ideas.  She says she is a seer and a vessel-body.  She believes, it seems, whatever ideas pop into her head.  One of these ideas is that there is a REAL landlord (from the East Coast), and that Edgar (who I’ve been paying rent to for over a decade) is a squatter.   I don’t know why she’s persisting in this belief, but apparently she doesn’t like most of our roommates, and is placing faith in a spiritual presence, shall we say, who she has never met, to give her the entire property.   I have been on good terms with my roommates for ten years, and haven’t EVER had any indication of depravity, criminality, or any other forms of evil and wickedness.   I mean, nobody’s perfect, but not everybody is a cruel heinous monster, either.   

Kelli is always evaluating me to see if I’m someone else.    She’s removed, analyzing, and often convinced I’m someone else, people I’ve never met, or someone she’s never met, either.  She thinks I’m possessed, sometimes.    Or “stepped-into”.    She yells at a past evil incarnation of herself.   It gets really twisted.    She says she’s not human.   She’s a goddess.   She’s not from the earth-realm.  Keli Jean of Heaven.   Her mom and dad are not her “real” parents.  Just about anything she says is part of some endless web of lies, which are seemingly of some use to her, maybe, as she tests reality.   She needs to have power, control, and be heard.   My conversational style of interactive engagement is not tolerated - it’s shut up and listen.   If I’m not “Snake-Man” or “David” or “Ace Young” (which I am incapable of differentiating within myself, so maybe it’s all bullshit), then maybe she’ll be nice to me, but it’s no fun not being able to just be myself, under constant threat of being forcibly removed from my own room, or not allowed into my bedroom to sleep.    I could just as much do the same to her, but I don’t, because I respect her, and I imagine we all need some time to ourselves, for me time, for privacy, to decompress or whatever.   Our dynamic isn’t the healthiest, you could say.     

She’s not feeling sexy, and neither am I, and she’s calling herself a eunuch, and doesn’t want my sexual attention, and that’s okay.    I’m not all about sex,, and whatever.    I want her to be happy, I’ll just leave it at that.    

Kelli rollercoaster,  previously healthy, everyone I know (family, friends) thinks she’s a bad influence.    Ida said “no one can handle Kelli” and “4 weeks off medication and she’ll turn the place upside down”.    It’s been like 5 months, if you ask me.    She thinks being on medication is a sign of being mentally ill, which is only a shade of difference away from being in an institution for the criminally insane.   I actually am quite sympathetic with being your authentic (unmedicated) self, and believe doctors should let people be themselves, only being treated if necessary.    Just as long as the patient is on board, and has freedom.

More about it

Kelli Jean Simpson, aka Keli Jean of Heaven, who says she is not from the earth-realm, who I met at SJBH (San Jose Behavioral Health) and have been friends/bf + since 1/1/24 (we've known each other for 20 months now), moved into my room at 1525, and we have separate leases on our room in this "boarding house."    She does not sub-lease, from me.   There are 11 tenants, it is under rent control.    7 of us speak Spanish.   Edgar, the landlord, is from Méjico.  He has a house in Acapulco, I believe.  

So Kelli believes (apparently) that Edgar is not the true landlord, and is in fact a squatter.   This is absurd.  I looked it up, and Edgar is in fact the true owner, who I have paid rent to for over a decade.  (!)

The room is a treasure.   It is $750/month, including utilities, and is under rent control.   In Berkeley!  The weather and libraries and food and proximity to family and dogs etc.  make it ideal (for me).

Kelli has denied me access to my room, my computer, and my phone.   She has said she hates me.   Then again, she never knows who "me" is!!!  I am myself, always, if you ask me (it's ridiculous), but she calls me SERPNT, Ace. Young, Blue October, etc.  (e.g."whore dick")

We exchanged rings, informally.    I kept mine on, until she took it off.   We have been intimate.  I really don't want things to get adversarial, contentious, acrimonious, unpleasant, or sad.  I still really like Kelli, and hope we can reconcile.   I love her, in fact.   Life is mad.

But it's not much of a relationship when she thinks I'm rarely?/ never?  ME!     It's become apparent that she needs privacy, but she goes to psychological extremes to get it and force me out.   I respect a need for "me" time, alone time, a need for space and privacy.     So I give it to her.  She only need ask.    I mean, I do, too.

But I'm always Jesse L. Teshara (Jesús, Chuy, Isaí) (L is for Lawrence) (birthfather was Stollinitz), or Jess.   My dad and grandpa were both "Mr. T."  A rose is a rose by any other name, and would smell as sweet!, -Shakespeare/ Gertrude Stein..   so names are basically incidental, if you ask me.   (I have an aunt named Rose!)

Kelli is always deciding if I'm acceptable or not.   For me, it's utterly insane, and I should be free to be who I am, without worrying if she hates me or not.   I really don't even know what the difference(s) are, between the 'good" and "bad" me's, or why she would care so much.   I write.  She thinks aloud, and talks at length.   I still think we don't communicate very well.   She thinks I interrupt.   I think she lectures, instead of interacts.  

She doesn't need to call me other people's names, and push me out the door to our room.   It got a little ugly.   She's deeply angry at God, Mexico, me, and her parents.   She yells in the room at night, sometimes, and thinks she's controlling everything.  It's intimidating, and she's hard to talk to, because she's always in her own head, seems.   I've had to repeat something 6 or 7 times.  

She casually talks to herself, fans, heaters, who (or what)-ever is in her head, about: Sending people to the lake of fire of hell for all eternity (!!).   She mentions sending war angels.   She tells the heavens and the spirits and angels and gods and saints what to do.   It's kind of fun, other than when she's directing the cutting of of heads and setting things on fire.   It's deeply creepy, and can be really scary and spooky.  She is hypnotic, and claps her hands/snaps her fingers.   She speaks in tongues, always going on about the Evil and Wicked.  

She seems to be perpetually aggrieved, resentful, and angry.   Over a hundred fifty grand was stolen from her(?).  She says she is a vessel-body, almost always engaged in spiritual warfare, and besieged by ghost-bullets, ghost-knives, ghost-injections, and the feeling of snakes being put in her body.  

Most other people I know think she is bad for me, one even saying I will only be myself when she is on medication.   That is NOT my decision,  and she values authenticity.   But I DO value sanity and, shall we say, less drama.   I have personally felt head-shocks, chest-pains, voices, and teeth-taps.   I have been diagnosed.   I am doing really well.   Better even than just the Invega trinza, since I started clozaril.    I might be better off leaving Kelli alone, but it's ALSO MY ROOM, dammit.  I should be comfortable in my own (Paid -for) place, where I've been for over a decade.   

We've both got it good here.   Neither of us have an alternate place to go, I think.   Not "rich parents" or anything, I think.  I shouldn't EVER be locked out of my room.  Forcibly pushed out.   Made to sleep on the Living Room floor, without a reason.    Sometimes I want to relax, take a nap, watch tv, use my computer, sit...     Goes without saying.   I believe we are FAR more compatible that our current situation suggests.    Sometimes I talk in my sleep.  Relationships take work.

GOD zilla and Cop ernicus and In Vino

 The darkest, most evil and wicked, sinful and depraved, monster from the depths of hell, burst from his underworld captivity, with a ferocity and malice never before seen on the earth-realm.    First, the freeway developed sink holes, and radiating cracks, and tongues of flame came licking out of fissures in the cement, concrete, asphalt, pavement.   Then screaming voices in a discordant kind of cacophony tormented the ears of anyone with ears to hear.   Finally, THE BEAST  Himself.   Bigger, possibly, than a sperm whale, the Colossus - on par with Godzilla, you could say-   exploded into the lives of hapless commuters and upended life on earth as we know it,  for all, forevermore.    He unfolded his wings, gave them some trial flaps, and proceeded to breathe fire and rain destruction down on anyone and anything in his path.   

———-

Well, hello there again, gang!   How goes?   How went that drunken orgy of madness I heard about in the grapevine?   You know, those talking grapes.    Very social, those fruits.  Either tell me what you know, or I masticate you into pulp and juice and swallow you whole!  Don’t tell the other grapes that I’m going to eat them, anyway, no matter what (OR NOTHING!) they say.  Don’t whine.   In vino, veritas.  V no.  hmm.

————

The kindest cop, the most forgiving police officer, building community and relationships, and giving all delinquents up to strike 3….   With a charitable understanding of the law, and an open and even enlightened understanding of society and antisocial tendencies, making clear that there is a line, and once crossed, there will be adverse consequences, nobody to blame but yourself, so you better be good, you better not pout, or cry, cuz he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness’ sake!

-----

weird linguistic observation:   On our Heads 

    are Hair, Hats, Hoods, Helmets, and Halos!    huh.   happy happy joy joy.

the happiest trinity:  

good morning beautiful.  good afternoon hottie.  good evening sexy.

Trump eats turnips!  says JD Vance, being deviant

'Canada Dry' ginger ale was named by a Canadian pharmacist, because his ginger ale was less sweet than other brands, in the same way as wine.    :-).    Canada, in fact, holds around 20% of the global fresh water reserves!!!   

B-boys and Ork - kids and chilly children of apparent parents

devil's oven and God's heaven (Hell's Kitchen without leaven?).  oh thank heaven for 7-11!   (I bought a red apple, a slice of pepperoni pizza, and a package of peanut M&M's from them, yesterday.    :-)

possibilities, tentative list, of things for K and I to do (together):  walk or bike to the library,  read aloud to each other, walk anywhere (SF hikes?), toss a frisbee around, go to Cal Campanile, ride the bus, go to IR (Indian Rock), bike to store (Trader Joe's, Berkeley Bowl West), go to a restaurant / taco truck, go to Benicia, Zz.    Jumprope, Bodyrok....   do origami, Joe Frank , comedy...

Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve?    Then why is it Paul n' Nate?  Pollinate is the way of the birds and the bees.   No way.   Way!    YHWH!

And, the longer your telomeres are, the longer you live (?).   So astragalus lengthens your telomeres!!    And, sugar, shortens!    It's astragalus vs. jelly bellies!   Astragalus doesn't stand a chance....     don't mind me, I'm ignorant.  Enjoy life.   Get your fix of sugar, for fun.

Update on me

Downdate on you?

Hello everyone.   Hi everybody.  Greetings, All.    I am kind of a different person, now.    I’m still taking lithium (900mg/pm) and invega trinza (1/3mo),  but now I’m also just starting clozapine.   Plus fun things like amlodapine, stool softener, and docusate.   Docusate is the red pill.    If you bite into it you get a nasty surprise.   I’ve been feeling weak, unsteady.  At one pointt I thought I might fall, just waliking to my room.   My hands have been shaky.   My writing has turned to chicken scratch.   I’ve been nauseous.  300 mg. of clozaril, … I have been staggering around, oversleeping, and am definitely wondering if I am overmedicated.    I go for weekly bloodwork, to monitor the clozapine, for 6 months, then every 2 weeks for the next 6 months.  I've been warned about too much sugar.

 

I missed my night dosage last night.   I’ve been sleeping a lot.   But I feel much better today (Sunday 7-27).   I need a pillbox.   And a container for all my obsolete medication.    This is not rocket science.   

I’m reading Crying of Lot 49 by Pynchon, about halfway through.   I’ve been guzzling down lemonade, gatorade, vitawater, Starbucks coffee, the occasional red bull.   Thirsty.

I’m losing weight. Like 18 pounds over 3 months.   Not as hungry.   Twix, Doritos seem kind of gross.   I still like a Coke, tho.  

K is really low-key which is helpful as I adjust to the meds and how the meds make me feel.  We’re both really sleepy.    Our room looks really good.    I think we need to get some more storage bins to clear out space.    The minimalist aesthetic .   HOS tonight (Sunday 10p- Mid) on KALW.   

sushi, amen

she men

a damsel fly named Denzel

ceviche in Seville

there's to be, thirsty bees!

Gorgons eating Zola

arrogant air

scry a scribe

absence of abscesses

presence of presents!

God, the beneficent, the merciful.   infinite in all attributes.    love, understanding, compassion, kindness.     evil, wicked, and vile.    crime, vice, and sin.   cruel, brutal, savage.    torture, torment, pain, suffering.    anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury.    resentment, ire, spite, malice, revenge, justice.   oblivion, nihility, nullibiety, impermanence, ephemeral, from dust to dust.   no-self to NO SELF.    release the hellions from their plight and misery, anguish, despair, to make the world a happier, better place (for ALL).

Good Day,  everyone.  It’s lovely weather here in Berkeley, not too hot, not too cold.   I bought 9 mochis, and a breakfast burrito (vegan chorizo).   Plus some Sprite and 4 giant peaches.  It’s mellow and relaxed at home; we’re doing laundry, and texting family.   Tonight is HOS.   I read the Crying of Lot 49, and started reading Spanish (dictionary, grammar).   My landlord Edgar invited me to go to his home in Acapulco.   I have yet to refill the bird feeder in the back yard.   The peach trees are in bloom.   But half the yucca tree felll over.   It’s nice to sit in the yard, in the sun, with or without a cigarette.   This week I’m expecting a fun package from Amazon.   It’s fun to immerse in spanish, speech, radio, tv, books, magazines, and of course just plain old thought.

Buenos dias, todos!  La clima aquí es muy agradable, ni bastante caloroso ni bastante frio.   Compré 9 mochis, y un burrito de desayuno sin carne.    Y Duraznos!   Qué maravilla!

So I'm adjusting to my new medication regimen, and the tense and nervous,  nausea and anxiety, unsteady trembling,  chicken scratch handwriting,  feeling like I'm about to falll just walking to my room, feeling overmedicated is going away, although I'm a long ways off from being able to do 200 pushups, etc.   I've lost a lot of weight.   I'm eating enough, though.   Trying to lay off of the sugar, and eat some solid (minimal meat) nutrition, like say the GNC protein powder, ripe peaches, and occasional taco truck fare.

jesst

 Jesse Lawrence Teshara (Stollnitz).    

I grew up at the intersection of Darien and Manor, in SF.    I.e.  Gulf Of Darien (GOD) and LORD of Manor.  Jesse is Jesús, and Teshara is Eshara, Shara, Hara, Ara and Ra!   Evokes Avalokitesvara, and Chuy (pronounced Chewy).   And Jest.

I’m crazy!  I just ate a bag of nuts!   

This made me psycho enough to drink some (ice cold) milk (mil k?  A thousand kills?) 

And don’t get me started on the DoritOS   Operating System!

Am I surrounded by space aliens?   Or just illegal aliens?   Far out, man!

Everybody on the earth-realm has their genesis here, if you ask me!  Aliens that know the law about liens?   Weird thought.

History:  Was Einstein a Grey?  (weird dehumanization), he only wore grey, the story goes.

How much of Reality is Applied Mathematics?

“trippin’ ballsz” (gonads, bubbles, etc.):   is water really alive?

Cobra head faucets, poke it in the eyes for it to spit some shit (well, water).   water is not venom.

Holy socks, Batman!

V for versus, victory, victim

Vicki and Tim, I need a Hennessy, I need a Guinness.     Habits nun.   

Drunks get drunk, sometimes (literally).    Je’ suis juicy Jesse, JC!     Jose Cuervo

Mushroom bar, The Philosopher’s Club, a “black magic” at Applebee’s (alcohol nightmare), psycho about fruits, vegetables, and meat.     AA - abstain from alcohol, and  build a community, and A LIFE.    No Smoking, either.   Absolute Rule.

God is an alcoholic.    Drinks to get drunk.   AA, Just Do It.    Just say no.   Sane and sober.   Life is crazy.    Like speaking in tongues, and role-play as a vessel-body inhabited by a Deity!     

Infinite Jest,  The Book -   and “Alligators”.    Alligators are scary.

Gore names:   Gregory, Al Gore, and Gore Vidal (and Igor)

The sexual basket case decided to put the lotion in the basket…. (playing with fire at the psych unit)

Larry, Dad, Mr. T  on a power trip (PT), and Peggy playing aggravation to Aggravate, not win.    Dad who threw me in the pool, popped like a bubble.   

How’s TV?   How’s VT? (!!!!) 

Things you can do in a room.    Read, Watch, Listen, Eat, Exercise, Sleep, Write, Talk, Create, Work, Play, Meditate, Do Nothing, Pray, Reflect/ Introspect, Sit, Stand, Learn, Teach, Move, Stand, Stretch, Jumprope, Isometrics, Lunges, Pushups, Bicycle Crunches (standing up, or on ground), Keep Log of Activity (reps, sets).   Enjoy the Silence.   Love.  Fight.   Rituals.   Origami.  Chess.  Checkers.   Tic-tac-toe.  Craft cards.   Darts.  Learn magic.   Collect Jokes.  Service.  Sweat.  Bodyrok.   Shstt (see hear smell taste touch, Perceive).   Internal diagnostic.   Count.   

Self-compassion.   Have broken right toe, for like 20+ years (stubbbed) (received no attention).   God-players.  There are many of us.   I had a concussion, maybe?   I need new glasses.    My ear is fine, I think, and my throat, too.   I was suicidal, for once, actually, which is hard for me to imagine how this happened (i thought I was immune to that).  Kelli seems to think the real me is Hated, and I should smoke cigarettes. 

I am older than Richard Stollnitz when he died.   Annette has been dead like 3 years, I believe.

by special request:  the psychology of color-

roygbiv

red.   read.   there is a book called 'red'.    Chinese wedding dresses are red.   blood, of course.   republicans and bloods (vs. crips).  red lights and red curbs and strawberries and red meat.   red apples, magenta, crimson, etc.

orange.  delicious.  range of o.  actually does kinda rhyme with porridge.   are oranges and bananas appealing to you? ha.  

yellow.  yell ow!   the sun.  it was all yellow.   mellow yellow.   hello.   between red and green.

green.  the color of Nature (chorophyll).   Green (inexperienced) and the Green Party, and green-eyed monster (jealousy).  Greens, good for your diet.   Green leafy vegetables.  Green is a surname.  My favorite color.

blue.  sky.  bleu cheese.  Democrats.  blueberries.  blue man group.  blue meanies.  

indigo.  the indigo girls.    indie rock.   

violet.   purple.    Harrold and the purple crayon.   One eyed one horned flying purple people eater.  

brown, black, white, grey-  like skin colors and races and stuff, but also cool sartorial choices, for all the folks wanting to look like chess pieces or whatever.   Anywhere from monochromatic to bold, vibrant, iridescent, and psychedelic.   dull or shimmering.   naked or nude :-)

if you have a t-shirt collection with 7 different solid colors, maybe you might want to try the experiment I did in college-   Sunday yellow, Monday green (Monday was GreenDay, before the band - what did THEY mean by it?*), Tuesday blue, Wednesday (indigo, purple, violet), Thursday red, and Friday orange.    People DID seem to "see red" on Thursdays....   It was really more of a way to remember what I did on which day of the week, like a memory trick.

* 'Green Day' comes from a day spent smoking marijuana, lol.

tzim tzum (Hebrew, jewish), dim sum (Chinese food), and "dim thumb" (?)