A Note to any Would-Be Vampires!
All is well. Everyone is a font of happiness. A tall glass of water. People want to get drunk. People feel empty inside. They want to drink life in. They’re thirsty for change. People suck. Reality bites. Life is draining. The world is a vampire. Good writers sometimes have biting wit. The Catholic Church has the actual blood of christ (eucharistic transubstantiated wine or grape juice) available for the faithful to drink, every single week (or day). Sheeple believe in that shit. Like it’s actual ichor. “Vampires” who actually drink real blood are demons, doing something hellish. But the sacrament is holy and necessary (wine, wafer, or both) for christians to become the corporate body of christ. Because you are what you eat. But if you don’t believe in God, or hell, then why not be a vampire. Like the name of the game for the band Vampire Weekend. Dabble in cannibalism, exsanguination, hematophagy. If you’re bloodthirsty, why not make the metaphor real? I mean, it’s nutritious, and if you don’t like the person, you can eat them. Make a memory. Enjoy life. Vengeance is sweet. Is your sweetheart’s heart really sweet? You can add sugar. And you don’t have to subsist on blood, unless you really want to. I mean, if you really enjoy it, and acquire a taste for it. But good luck with not getting caught. Dogs can track you down by smell. There’s the potential for hair, fiber, dna matching. Dentition can be verified by your dentist. Cameras are everywhere. Your phone leaves an electronic trail. Bloodstains and spatter and your own blood, sweat, tears all will tell on you. Psychics have visions. And fingerprints, of course. In other words, it’s hopeless, unless you don’t care, or are suicidal. Then have at it, paint the town red. All you have to fear is God Himself, lol. Maybe even the devil. I mean, maybe Satan is a servant of God, too: the warden of the prison of the afterlife (aka, hell). Freedom is sweeter than blood. Don’t do it. Drink Christ, or red wine, or red gatorade, or sangria, or a bloody mary, or blood oranges, or a vial of some willing goth kid’s blood, or something (hospital waste?). Eww. I like being subversive, but the whole thing is disgusting, when you think about it, even if you are a sick and twisted blood-fetishist fuck, alright? I know some Africans drink blood from their cattle. That and eucharist is as far as I would ever go. Well, there's a bloody steak, of course. I've never had blood pudding. Is it any good?
Vampire is an anagram of 'I'm a perv'
the world is a van pyre, burning van, burning man
prana of a prawn, leftist writer, powder power, lord of fleas
spear the rear, smear the queer, near beer,
maggot faggot, sincere fear, terror in error
weeping creeps, hell's bells
learn to earn, whose turn to burn
torture in the orchard
G-D, gross and disgusting
slap, punch, elbow, knee, kick (spekk)
human, Hugh Minh, Hume in
hm, hum, hanuman
humility and meekness
Jesse, Jay-Z, jazz, colleges, packages, neologism
dictionary addiction, president precedent, pogrom program,
viability visibility, pagans and shamans, strong or bleak outlook
sheriff sharif, meds and mead, corn and kerns, deeper dnieper
flagrantly fragrant, typo personality, resume re-zoom, totally turtle
road, rail, and river; sheeple are REAL: Ram, Ewe, And Lamb
a crisis about christ in a chrysler; silence of science re: seance
synecdoche vs. metonymy
fungi or spore loser?
irradiation and ear-radiation
catholic dogma, cat dog, alcoholic ma
ideation and ideology
erection and erect posture
sweat and strain, weight of waiting
be humble, work hard, pay it forward
glee, fun, happiness, joy, cheer, optimism, bliss, ecstasy, ebullience, elation
the moose is loose! contusion confusion
compassion and compression
Venetian completion, a sale on sails
Mark downs, ex-Ray vision, barrels and bare Elle
sinister minister, sinistral sister
battery factories, duck reduction
prr scent, percent, purse sent
a community that cares, campaigning for a candidate,
with courage, character, and conviction!
in pursuit of peace, prosperity, and progress!
beauty, blessings, bliss; surf, sand, sun; life, love, laughter
public (controlled, manipulated, suppressed) by autocrats
psycho Michael, oil in the soil, guise and gargoyles
a scientific approach to making puns (rhyming dictionary)
lift up your skirts to the lord!
royal we, a people, god as us
mr. t, Tesla, lariat, hilarious, lares and penates, lawrence of arabia
just a slow dance, not romance, you've got no chance
cthulhu, Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Homer Simpson
Doh! (dragon octopus human), Goo! (great old one)
what's the harm in harmony?
sticking strictly to the script
a nice slice, from a pizza place (papa Pete's?)
synapses, and Sin taking a nap
smart and dumb, wise and foolish
global motivation: fulfill desires, relieve suffering
FD, fire department, fidei defensor, defender of the faith
RS, religious studies, risk/safety, relief society
Redemption, red empty, completely drained
red democrat, gumption
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