ter

 Well, life is interesting

I'm on Invega Trinza (IT) AND Clozaril (aka clozapine), and I'm shitting rocks.    I fell asleep on the toilet last night.  I'm light headed when I stand up.  Apparently, what's more, I can't cum.  And Kaiser is telling me I should be able to monitor my blood pressure.   I got a flu shot this morning.   And phlebotomy (blood work, blood draw).   This time it hurt (left arm).  I was going to get a covid shot too, but just this morning it was pulled from the fridge at KP, for some reason.   Karen says she tested positive for covid, but doesn't anymore.   I haven't worn a face mask in a million years.  My clozaril requires a weekly blood draw, for 6 months (!!).   Then, every 2 weeks, for 6 More months.  I think I can go to the Berkeley KP, to save time.   I need new glasses, also.   I' have no idea what's going on with the BFC (Berkeley Free Clinic) in terms of my annual dental appointment.   Something's up.  

I bought Kelli some mochi, and rice triangles (spicy chicken, and salmon), and a big juicy watermelon (not seedless).   She's feeling under the weather.    Doesn't wan't to call KP (Kaiser Permanente).   She's in bed a lot.   Things are nicer between us, this afternoon, after a rocky morning.  I bought a replacement shower curtain.  The outer one still needs to be replaced.  I went to Famous Foam Factory and looked at folding mattresses, and the one I was interested in was $489.     So screw that.   The lady there isn't even very nice.  I have folding cushions, anyway, but hard to clean.   I keep trying to get Kelli to walk with me, like around the park, or toss a frisbee, or even try tennis at the Park nearby, but no dice, just like the seemingly impossible task of playing Berkeley tourist and going up the Campanile.   Some day.  When she feels sick, she's a "homebody,"  as my dad used to say.   She wants chow mein for dinner, delivered from Safeway, which I think is ridiculous, because I can bike to either nearby Chinese restaurant and save both money and time.

Kelli has a car that needs to be re-parked/ situated every 72 hours.    I'm walking dogs two or three times a week, and brought my JBL speaker with me once, to liven it up.  It's good exercise (for the dogs And me), but gets a little monotonous, without company or distraction.   But I dare not lose attention at corners, if there should be other dogs merging on our path, which almost always erupts into madness.   

 My landlord says he may cut off the internet access for the house.    That would suck.  It's only $5 a month, at present.  I use it every single day.  But I do have a million books and trivia cards, so there's always something.   Edgar is in Acapulco, returning next week.   Everyone here wants Kelli to stop running the water, which she thinks is necessary to clean and purify the house from it's evil and wickedness, "sin upon sin."   There is a method  to the madness, but she doesn't reveal her internal logic very readily.    A (long-running) hot shower is said to cost around $1.     Running a hair dryer is about thirty cents an hour.    I don't think she's therefore making the bill too crazy, but I'm told utilities (included in rent for all of us) have gone up "a lot".   I think we all need to remember there are Problems and problems.   Priorities are the big problems.   Kelli lives in a scary world of very big Problems.   So some grace and forbearance is called for, I think.

Erratic (sometimes gentle, others, intense and terrifying), and loud and intimidating, I feel like I'm in over my head, or dealing with something massive and complex, or just plain at a loss for how to encourage her to be happy and healthy, in a screamy hellscape of beliefs I can barely relate to.    Just let her be her is my motto (although everyone else is seemingly screaming for a medication regimen, for the health of EVERYONE.   Just because I AM medicated to the hilt, doesn't mean I feel the need to enforce it on her or anyone else.   Ce las vie.   K sir ah sir ah.  

I make lists of things to do.  I did again, recently.  Maybe I'll share.   Not now.

okay, now.     a round table pizza √ (I got a half Guinevere, half Garden).    wikipedia-listed Bay Area museums.  side hustles (like UI).   surf pinterest and instagram.   send a card (snail mail).   review the accordion file.  buy microwave.    read Lev Grossman, Terry Pratchett, short stories, spanish, world book, big book of series.   Standup comedy.   trivia.   Pynchon, Wallace.   ZAMM.   Have a beer at Jupiter.   stitch n' bitch.

defecate and desecrate, and denigrate and decimate, debate and defenestrate -  dedicated to a living Kate

I just listened to the song Jesus in Disguise.   He doesn't necessarily have to have a beard, long hair, and white robes, you know.    Who am I?     Jesse.     That's Jesus in disguise, kind of.   But I've never healed anyone, as far as I know.   I've touched people.   You can call anybody anything, too.   He might not even be a man, when you get right down to it.  How many Jesuses have there been?   There've been many Buddhas (and not all fat, either, mind you).

collide with a kaleidoscope