Looking for a New Place

in the Bay Area: looking to pay $650/mo, or less

Greetings, Friends!

I have just been made aware by my landlord that my current room in (southwest) Berkeley won't be available anymore, starting February '15, so I'm informing all my friends that I am officially looking for a new room to rent! I plan to move at the end of January, or sooner.

I have a preference for the Bay Area, as I have family in San Francisco, and friends in the East Bay, and a YMCA membership in Berkeley. I also love the weather here, libraries, Kaiser, etc.

Please let me know if you know of -or have- anything becoming available.

(either a Studio, or a room of my own in an apartment or house)

About me:

I walk dogs, receive social security/disability income, enjoy writing, have a blog-

I am 43, male, single, straight, have never been in debt or evicted,

am friendly, respectful, clean and neat, responsible,

no drugs, nonsmoking, will not have pets, will often be out,

quiet (I listen to computer/music with headphones),

and I don't watch much tv (I'm actually a bit of a bookworm).

I go to the Y almost daily (I love to swim), as well as the library.

I ride my bike and take BART everywhere (I don't have a car),

so I don't need a parking space.

I also consider myself a student, although I am not enrolled or paying money for schooling, and am attempting to read a book-a-day, in addition to the daily news. I went to UC Davis, and have a degree in International Relations, and speak some Spanish (but am a bit rusty). Before that, I got a Jesuit education at SI in SF (class of '89) .

My phone is 510-590-0327

My email is jessteshara@yahoo.com

I look forward to hearing from you!

p.s. the sooner I arrange my housing situation, the better, I think.  The latest I can move in is February, and the earliest, now...although I would, if possible, like to use my paid last month's rent for my current location, of course.

A Plan to Enjoy Life

despite having schizophrenia

     Perhaps someday I will no longer have schizophrenia/ be schizophrenic. It happens! Sanity, and remission of symptoms is something to hope for. It's 2014, and I've been diagnosed schizoaffective (schizophrenia plus bipolar) since graduating from college (UC Davis) in 1993: 21 years, so far. I'm better than I was, and my medications have helped. Maybe I'll be healthy, well, and sane sometime in the next 21 years. Maybe David will die or decide to leave me alone. Maybe there's a way to disconnect. Maybe the world will see the light, and become less aggravating.

      My 3 symptoms are a voice, headshocks, and chest pains. They are a daily reality, and some days are better than others. Mental illness can be a bitch. Most of the time, it's just annoying, and I think of it as being like an insect, a bug, a nuisance, a pest. Other times, the voice can successfully push my buttons, and make me enraged. Self-control means being able to resist hatred, hypnosis, and hell. I went off my medications at one point a few years ago, and ended up in jail for ten months, after an argument with a roommate led to me wrestling with 3 police officers. Aggravation and torment is a daily reality. Of course, I plead daily for David, my voice, to shut the hell up, respect me, stop invading my privacy, and leave me alone. I'm not sure if he also causes the brainzaps and chest pain, too: It's simpler to just blame him for the whole package. I suspect he's at least partially responsible.

     I'm not sure which has helped more -the medication, or the friction with the source. By friction, I mean replying in kind. By source, I mean David. When he voices to me, I often reply back. Presumably he's a schizophrenic, too. He calls himself a global telepath, however, and is undiagnosed, as far as I know, being regarded as sane. Once you're schizophrenic, the label “high-functioning” doesn't mean much. You are mentally ill, sick, and have a malfunctioning brain. You require medications, usually don't have employment, receive social security/disability income, remain poor, have consequent difficulty with making a family (finding/keeping a partner and raising children), and live under the threat of worsening symptoms, disrespect, and even possible homelessness or imprisonment. Schizophrenics are 8 times more likely to commit suicide. It's not fun. But David functions high enough to be a Deputy Attorney General for the State of California, and I allow myself to think that maybe David interacts with me the way he does in order to further justice, peace, sanity, and other benevolent goals (such as economic development). 

      It's like being possessed. The bible says, “do you not know that you are not your own?” Either the presence is welcome, and you “let go and let god,” or unwelcome, in which case you are being intruded upon, colonized, controlled, victimized. It is tempting to think of the situation as one of having demons, or even being possessed by the Devil. My replies are voiced internally, as vocalized thought, and presumably heard -like prayer- by David, who many years ago said he and I were vampires. David Andrew Eldridge is an actual person (unless he's dead, I haven't talked to him or inquired after him in almost a decade), and not an invisible friend or ghost. I don't believe I'm hallucinating when I hear him. I hear his thoughts (a few, anyway), and he hears mine (it seems like all of them -some of them, anyway). Is this what they mean by the holy spirit?  Auditory hallucinations, I believe, come from a source, the brain. The brain is where the mind is. And having an “open” mind means hearing other people's thought. As Pink Floyd sang, “there's someone in my head, but it's not me.” That person, for me, is David Andrew Eldridge, self-proclaimed demon, attorney-at-law, african-american, homosexual, mathematician, and “natural psychologist.” He said he had Seasonal Affective Disorder. I think it is telling that his name anagrams to both “degraded, livid” and “dag ridded evil.” When I'm fed up with it, I call him names. When I'm charitable, I ignore him. I imagine both serve his purposes (such as instigating criminals into weaker positions on the chessboard of life). I'm a different kind of SAD (schizo-affective dis.). 

     I'm hoping physical health will lead to mental health. I have a membership at the local YMCA, and I go almost daily, sometimes twice.  And I'm hoping that writing this also will be a step in the right direction, toward clarity, if not sanity.

Scripture, by God

Today's thought:

God is always and everywhere, omnipresent. We learn this as children. Well, I did, anyway. The Jesuits “endeavor to see God in all things.” I went to a Jesuit high-school in San Francisco, and the current Pope, Pope Francis, is a Jesuit. Only God is good. Which isn't saying much, because “only” everything is God. Life, the Universe, and Everything, you might say. Infinity. The Universe, which is infinitely big, is Reality, which, in the words of Adi Da, is “all the God there ever is.” If the big U is infinitely big, you might be tempted to consider yourself as infinitely small. And you are. But infinity goes in both directions: You can go infinitely in the other direction, smaller and smaller, like a computer's screen saver. So, in a very real sense, you are infinitely big, too. Big up yourself, says Ali G. Big me, big me, sings Kurt Cobain. Maybe there is an entire universe in your head! Anyway, God is made in man's image: God is love, and God is the creator, which is just another way of saying your parents, or if you like -sex- is God, too. I am God. You are God. We're already God, whether or not we have sex, or “make love,” or whether we consider ourselves to be Gods, claim to be God, or think, say, and do in the role of God. So as much as we all are in fact God, I still hold that some of us are more God than others, however. God is the principle of goodness, and there is a full spectrum of human behavior between depravity and saintliness -or goodliness/godliness if you prefer. Godliness is just a matter of being good, making yourself good, making life good, as a positive force in the world. And each of us lives in our own world. You are in control of your own life, your own destiny. God is One, says scripture, and the Top Dog, the Big Cheese, the Head Honcho, is of course you exercising control over your own quality of life, with a little help from your friends. But -and this is the big problem and exception- some people relinquish that control, and submit to the will of others, in some cases even being possessed. You can “let go and let God” or you can “let go and let SMELBAD.” That's my acronym for Satan, Mephistopheles, Evil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Antichrist, Devil. I'm just pointing out that others may not have your best interests at heart, and may even hate you. Others CAN make us happier, of course, but we shouldn't rely on them. And others, in the same vein, can make our lives a tormented, miserable, even painful, living hell, longing for death, and consumed with suffering. You can be in love, and live in a heaven on earth. Or you can be hated, even tortured. Children have to obey their parents, and their teachers, and -like adults- the law. Some advice, and some laws, are better than others. However, we all only live once, and we should all follow our own lights and do whatever is necessary to make ourselves happy, without infringing on the rights of others, who deserve the same high level of happiness as ourselves. Psychology is the new religion, the science of happiness the new scripture, of the New God, You. Economics, then, is important. Money is an anagram of 'my one,' which only emphasizes the importance of prosperity to happiness, which is what God wants for all of us. Wealth, Riches, Affluence, & Prosperity: that's a WRAP! Comfort should be a universal goal, and it is reasonable and within the realm of possibility to imagine an entire planet with basic needs met, the highest level of healthcare available to all, and a sustainable peace maintained in a safe and secure world, that respects the equal rights of all. Poverty, war, preventable disease, and suffering can all be prevented and mitigated and replaced by a happy, rewarding, comfortable, healthy, and secure lifetime of pleasantry and global mutual respect.

Scripture, by the way, is -in my view- absolutely anything written by anyone, ever (!).  The entire library is holy writ.   The dictionary, cookbooks, all the graffiti, jokebooks.  The onion had a funny article recently about this, but I'm holding fast to this outlook, even if it seems absurd that a Honda's drivers manual is made to be as holy as, say, Song of Songs.  Omniscience means God reads everything!  Right now, I'm reading the Prairie Home Companion's Pretty Good Joke Book, 5th edition :-)