in brief

my life: y, music, reading, dogwalking, kaiser
(basically)

virgo/september birthdays: Pierre 9/1, me 9/3, Liz 9/10, T (9-11!)
I'm having the family dinner on Su 8-31 in SF
Burmese with S&P (burma superstar, b-star if you're hip)
got Pierre a gift, he gave me 2 bitcoin giftcards.
(and Amish peanut butter, and shoo-fly pie)
 Theresa sent me pics of her 3 adorable frenchie puppies (now sold)

food:
yesterday, I bought a bongo burger berkeley baklava, and it was the best!
(lotsa b's, and all true!)
their burgers are good, too, if you must.
i told theresa that i have thai ginger paste tofu sometimes in san leandro (so good!)
she works as an intake person for a psychiatric unit-
link
(http://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/guide/schizophrenia-and-suicide)
up to 40% of schizophrenics attempt suicide, and 5-13% succeed.

books:
just finished Clifford A. Pickover's "The Physics Book".  really interesting (to me).
recommended: Terry Pratchett
(a psych nurse recommended his work to me years ago)
I've read Going Postal, and Good Omens.  lots more await!
and
The Onion Book of Known Knowledge (borrowed from Julie)
I read alot of their website, often (theonion.com)
and
I'm reading joke books,
and library: scifi short story collection,
and Word Catcher by Phil Cousineau,
and Making Whoopee by Evan Morris
and
I've got my 14 page booklist (two 7page booklists), i've shared copies of with lotsa folks.
If you ask, I'll make one for you, too.

and recently I wrote to my mom:

No, I haven't talked to David (outside of my head,  anyway) in many years, and don't intend to, ever.  The voice is in my head.  I don't think I'm hearing him speak to me, like he's in the room, outside of my head.  But I hear him like you would your own (vocalized) thoughts.  Does that make sense?  It seems like telepathy.  I believe it's telepathy.  But the meds help, so it does have something to do with brain chemistry.  Some days are better than others.  All those "lines" were on the 8th.  Sometimes I talk back.  That is, I think vocalized thoughts directed to David, like "what the hell is your problem?  Leave me alone."  I've thought that one many times.   My head has been quieter, more healthy/sane, since then. In addition to the voice, sometimes I get headshocks, and also sometimes I feel chest pains.  Those are my 3 symptoms.

if you were wondering, in brief, I wear boxers!

euthanasia

my view

first, defined (dictionary.com):

1.

Also called mercy killing. the act of putting to death painlessly or allowing to die, as by withholding extreme medical measures, a person or animal suffering from an incurable, especially a painful, disease or condition.

2.

painless death.

 

commentary

if only ALL death were painless!

There are many views on what is a "good death," but painless definitely qualifies, in my book.

 

we're all dying, all of us, from the moment we're born (or conceived!), it's fate, destiny, unavoidable.

Like Pink Floyd sings, each day is "one day closer to death"

Good diet, exercise, love & happiness, family, friendship, community, etc. (e.g. saftety &security) extend life/forestall death- but to dust we shall return.

 

speaking of which,

I'm not sure the bible definitely promises eternal life, or the existence of souls to do the living, in heaven, wherever that is.  

 

I think the "dust" verse is definitive.  

Even though there's the phrase "sure as hell," I believe Oblivion is certain, whereas Eternal Torment is just trying to scare the hell out of people, so to speak.  A just God would never create such an abomination, in any case.   But hellish existence (before death) is certainly possible, and unfortunately, all too real, if not "common."  Physics says matter is conserved, so we can all look forward to being broken up after decay into the earth, I guess.  Teshara recombines into 'as earth', by the way.

 

Souls don't exist.  Just bodies, brains, minds, made of food, dna, and thought.  I don't believe in ghosts, either.  But you can be "haunted" by memories.

 

Heaven is nice to imagine, to hope for, and to strive to create (for the living, while alive), but I'm pretty sure there's no afterlife for anybody, positive, negative, or neutral, as much as I would like to be surprised, by "waking up" after dying!  Where is heaven?  I only believe in ONE universe, and heaven is the pleasant state of being alive, which we create (or destroy) for ourselves, individually and communally.  Of course, Heaven can be like a video game, or a dream-world, but it's still in the one Reality.

anyway, getting to my point:

if life is miserable, or painful, and without hope of improvement, death is a comparative improvement.  It's the state of Non-Being.  But depression or grief can make it seem hopeless, when in fact there IS hope.  So I think the law shouldn't approve assisted-suicide, mercy-killing, or euthanasia, unless it can be PROVEN that the pain cannot be assuaged.  Which is a tall order, because who wouldn't feel a lot better after, say, a dose of heroin?  I admit I don't know what I'm talking about, but it seems there's a drug for everything, these days.  Or maybe going fishing, or skydiving, or eating a delish meal with a friend?  Surfing, comedy clubs, sex, exercise endorphins, i dunno- travel, a crime spree?  go nuts! if you're dying, anyway, you're pretty much free to go to town!  And I realize we're all dying, but for me, reading a couple thousand (of the BEST) books and trying to live a long, happy life is preferable to going out in a blaze of glory (or infamy).  But that's just me.  I'm not recommending transgression, but maybe it's preferable to death, and could reduce suffering, for you.  You could change religions, make a bunch of new friends.  If you don't care if you die, you could become a mercenary, and fight for something you believe in.  Maybe before allowing assisted-suicide, the patient has to complete a series of experiences (rollercoasters, drugs, meals, shows, what-have-you), before being declared legally hopeless.   If insanity is a legal term, maybe hopeless should be, too (!) 

Also, I wanted to say that either we treat animals like humans, or humans like animals, because really, in my view, there's no difference.   If we put dogs to sleep, then why not humans.  But if we take all possible measures to improve the lives of our dying pets, then we should do the same for the dying (homeless, say, or any other fellow human being on planet earth, suffering).  If we're carnivores, then why not eat people, too.  Killing a pig is just as immoral as killing a person, in my view.  Some pigs are smarter than some people.  But intelligence has nothing to do with it.  Obviously, we shouldn't eat retarded people.  If we're human, we should be humane.  After euthanasia, we can eat our hopeless friends.  I'm kidding, I think.  Something to chew on.

 

I think too many people who are suffering want to inflict their pain on others.  This is wrong.  We should always and everywhere be trying to improve our lot.  Animals' lot.  Humanity.  The Universe.  Love should be our goal, not a blind extinguishing of suffering by eating barbeque and blowing ourselves up for Allah.  We're all in this together.

 

  

schizophrenic voices

from 8-8-14

It pisses me off, which is where the "mad" comes in, but
I don't believe they're auditory hallucinations: telepathic communication, rather.
I've noticed they are all 5 words or less.  Why, David?

God, you're a sucker
David crying Jesse
I'm evil
fuck you Jesse
all right (especially; endlessly repeated)
fuck you
David killing himself Jess
David is dead jess
i'm sorry
david screaming
fuckit
i'm crying
david is going to hell
ow
 david is
           staring
I
I can't take anymore
i'm insane jesse
i'm going
to kill everything
i hate life
uhhhh
david crying
david is crying
i hate you
did he write that
i'm not well jesse
it, jess
i'm death
all right, jess
david is getting evil
and I mean evil
i'm scared jesse
i can't believe you
david is hurting me
she's crying jess
because you're right
i'm wrong
david is so fucking sad
they're scared of life
i can't deal jesse
i'm really tired, jesse
i am so fucking sick
i hate life
i'm tired of screaming
i'm getting stupid
i'm screaming mad
i'm going
i'm tired of law
david so destroyed, jesse
i'm sorry
i'm really really really sorry
david sick of life jesse
me going crazy jesse
jess you're crazy amazing

1260

all about my SAT score

wikipedia:
1260 – highly composite number, pronic number, the smallest vampire number, sum of totient function for first 64 integers, this number appears twice in the Book of Revelation

it's also the Catholic Radio station (1260 AM) in my area.

690 verbal
570 math
back in the day

kinda weird that a self-proclaimed God should have such a "rich" number?

I don't know what a composite number, totient function, or pronic number is.
I'm not sure I care.
But I will definitely look up the Revelation connection.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1260_day_prophecy#1260_day_prophecy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1260

sitting

I'm house/dog-sitting, in Oakland today thru 8/19th

Just sitting is good, too.
SPAM's (SaraPierreAugustusMarcel's) has a recliner, rocking chair, and comfy leather couch.
no excuse not to! 
They're off to Allentown, PA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHnJp0oyOxs

the Oakland, Piedmont branch, library -nearby- is open M-F
M 12:30-8
TWR 10-5:30
F 12-5:30
(Sa Su closed)
-I plan on reading the NY Times there.

-I will be :
letting Marcel out to piss in the a.m., feeding breakfast
walking Marcel at 1p, 5p, and 8p.
dinner at 6p

-daily exercise, bike to Bkly Y on alternate days (a good workout, itself!)
hopefully I will not gain weight.
I should aim to lose weight, in fact:
pushups, crunches, dips (between chairs),
dumbbell rows, tricep extensions, bicep curls, shoulder press
I gained, last time I sat, is the concern.

-kaiser group thurs. 10:30-11:30am
scifi library book (best of, short stories) due Friday the 15th
word books due 21st

-they have roku tv, and wireless, for my computer.
i'll have to make use of their laundry and kitchen, too.
i'm told there's totino's pizza rolls (!) haven't had those in awhile.
the full set of Game of Thrones (books AND hbo tv series) awaits.

this blog's feedjit widget is back up, after not working for awhile. Yay!
coming on 10,000 viewers!  Thanks, y'all!
daily computer routine of 12:
email, onion, wikipedia, dictionary.com,
yahoo news, hp, cnn, csmonitor, berkeleyside,
i also like ted, j!archive, youtube

animalia captivity

today's Philosophy Talk topic

Humans ARE animals (with big brains, opposable thumbs, bipedalism, language, cultures, and tools).   Captivity of humans/animals deprives us of freedom, and compounds the crime that supposedly merits incarceration.

Eating animals, also, is ethically fraught.  Meat-murder isn't necessary, anymore.  If you eat animals, you're not much different from a cannibal.  We talk about fat cows, police "pigs", chicken-heads, scaredy-cats, lamb of God, and yogurt "culture."  Turkey is a freaking country (!)  At least they're honest at Murder Burger (the eatery in Davis).  Hannibal's is a deli in Sacramento.  Meat, of course, is delicious, and so are you, I imagine :-)

LIFE as value outweighs freedom, so animals that can't survive apart from humans should be in captivity, in circumstances that keep them busy and happy.  Prisoners should, if not granted freedom, be given access to fun activities, like books, such as through devices like kindles.

possessed by evil

in need of an exorcism?

I don't believe in souls, but if you feel possessed by the devil, I'll pray for you.
pray, not prey.

if you're possessed by God, on the other hand, you're in love.
"I'll be yours if you'll be mine"
"the one that sets me free"
(song lyrics, on ksmc, tonight)

more thoughts on evil, continued:

sin, separation from God
spite, malice, revenge
depravity, vice, crime
war, atrocity, hell
demon, devil, monster

crime: defamation of character, slander, libel, calumny
invasion of privacy
war crimes, crimes against humanity
wmd, weapons of mass destruction
abc, atomic biological chemical weapons
atomic/nuclear/fission/fusion bombs
slavery
theft, rape, manslaughter, assault, battery

injustice, unfairness?
voice vice, brain pain

evil

savage, sadistic, cruel infliction of pain and suffering, torture

the devil is d-evil.  d is the 4th letter, so you're the devil if you're "for" evil.
but what is evil?
if life is good, then death is bad-
so murder, assassination, killing, execution, homicide are wrong.
if life is bad, then death is good?
well, no.  life can always be made good, right?
hm.

what are the categories of suffering?
fear, terror, anxiety, stress, worry, upset, scared
sadness, depression, misery, feeling bad
pain, hurt, agony
anger, hatred, rage,wrath, fury
sick, ill, diseased
mental illness
victimized, violated
inconsolable crying, tears, weeping, mourning, loss

unmet needs
hunger, starvation, exposure, privation, poverty,
possessed (not in control)
injustice

the mean, cruel, sadistic, torturous victimizer is indisputably evil.
buddhists don't want to be one with this person's universe, I want to say.
it's not "all good"
then again, maybe the twisted person's suffering
can be allayed, made better by prayer, and/or meditation.
uncaring, apathy, indifference
schadenfreude
madness

today

my day, by Jesse Teshara

I woke up at like 5am, listened to whrb jazz off my itunes on my cordless headphones (good for roommate situations) for like an hour, checked my blog (the feedjit widget that shows the last 10 visitors stopped working, so i can't see who/where's visiting my blog from around the world, argh! i miss it -i tried pasting code from their site, still no good, no email reply from them yet, wondering if i ever will, told them i'd be willing to pay something for it, though), surfed the web -the usual sites (bookmarks) and checked my email, went back to sleep, up again 9:30ish,  went to san leandro and walked fido and taco for an hour, had chinese food there with julie (spicy broccoli with rice and a coke), took bart back home, quick nap with kalx radio on, ate leftover chinese, texted/talked to sara, biked to library and surveyed the ny times, bought about $3 worth of sugar-free froyo from yogurtland, exercised at the Y on the cardio bike (for 45 minutes on level 14, 'round 500calories),  went to trader joe's and spent $27 (exactly!), came home, ate some more (nuts, sourdough boule and hummus, chicken-less salad, ritter chocolate), vegged out to more music, read a few pages of Elster's word book ('what in the word?'), checked for an expected package (maybe tomorrow), reviewed my finances (i like going to the bank website and tallying  how much i can spend/day within my budget), and took my meds (30 mg zyprexa zydis- olanzapine, 1mg risperidone-risperdal) before going to bed around 10pm.

   

update

last night, i had dinner at my folks'  house, in SF, with Larry and Peggy, Tom and Jeannine, Steve and Penny. 7 Tesharas.  I took BART, hung out at the Glen Park library, bought a taco at La Corneta, beforehand. It was carne asada, and my mom made bbq pork... at least i'm eating less meat.  On the brighter side, I discovered the TJ's vegan chicken-less salad-yum.

I've got 4 library books out:
-The Year's Best Science Fiction (30th collection)(short stories)
3 language books:
-What in the Word? by Charles Harrington Elster (really good!)
-Word Catcher, by Phil Cousineau
-Making Whoopee, by Evan Morris (Words of love for lovers of words)

and
the first Game of Thrones book, by George RR Martin (Pierre's)

I just won tickets to Yoshi's (jack london square/oakland), for this Thusday at 8p, me and a guest. The website says the tix are $22.  Like a free 44 bucks!

this morning I'm going to the Intimate Impressionism exhibit, at the legion of honor, in SF, with SaraPierre&Augustus

I'm walking dogs, and having lunch with my friend Julie on Tuesday

After Kaiser, Thurs. morning, I'm having lunch on Piedmont with Brooks, maybe Walter too.

a week from today, 8/10th is my mom's birthday ('45)

8/13-19, i'm house/dog-sitting, in Oakland

at last, i beat my cold, so I'll return to my daily exercise routine at the Ymca. I gained weight again, like 10 lbs; am trying to get back down to 200.

basically, I read, listen to music, exercise, dogwalk, and write.
-and buy stuff, mostly food: maybe i should join eharmony or match.com, because okcupid doesn't cut it, although it does say i've got 44 people who like my profile.  Me and my 44 lady coven, lol.

Jesse Weirdness

and some Al Gore, too

Jesse Teshara and Al Gore are both 4,9.  (I.D.)
Al Gore has 6 words that evoke his name:
algorithm, regalo (gift in spanish), allegory, galore, goral, largo
(a goral is an asian short-horned goat-antelope)
(largo is italian for to perform dignified and slow)
-this seems to resonate with his speaking style, no?
and, of course, orgle! (not! but it should be a word)
he's from TN, and Jesse is very 10-esse

Jesse:
jessant (like a plant budding, issuing forth)
jessamine (jasmine)
jest and jester (I'm jess t)
jess (the strap on the leg of the bird in falconry)
gesticulate
gesture
sexagesimal
ingest
gestation
chewy (I'm also Chuy, in spanish)
je suis ('i am', in french)
jesus (pronounced hey-zeus)
esse, in latin means a. being, b. eating (J- esse, wwjs?)

I am also Big Brother, Uncle Jesse, and Mr. T (like my bro, dad, and grandpa)

 a rumination quote on 'jedi':
"In Latin, the plural of Jesus would be Jesi, but that's too obvious. If the early Christians cloned Jesus to preserve his unique DNA, they might have built the Jesus Eugenics Development Institute."