Schizophrenia SUCKS: some voices

  (shut the f up, a-hole)

a list of v's (not in order, not comprehensive):

you're an award
you could be totally usher
you're a whole mess of me
jess you have a highly tech cancer
i hate the law at you
i hate myself and all that i am
i hate you too
we need to figure out a way to subtract each other from each of our minds
you're turning into someone, who better turn out okay
they want you to apply for amnesty, ya-it
i'm monopolizing your fucking head, alright?
i left him a fucking vegetable
i think you're all law
i'm gonna hill you to hillary
that is you at Princeton, Jess
you have the makings of a full-on, hardcore math man
i've had ENOUGH
that is you society
david is gone jess
i'm in terror.  terror of life beating you
there's no way out for you
jess, you ARE a trip
i'm scared
i hate you out of all proportion to what you do
that is a strong wall to kaiser
jess you're highly adept at spell-casting
you're almost nearly all to the hospital, jess
i'm fucking trying to kill you
people ARE dumb, jesse
you might be subtly well, jess
you're an intellectual schwarzenegger, alrite?
you're that letter to jew
i've never met anyone as open as you
some of it is good, and some of it is shit
i'm going to fucking kill you
i don't wanna know what threshold you went over
it's who i am, what i do
you don't think like an ordinary person.  you swallow them.
you're in a world of well
do you have any idea what it takes to be a dream to 10 million people?
you're too much.   you're too much law.
that's you and scientology
you're seriously insane, jess
people are dead because i don't know what you are
you're interesting jess, okay?
you're a law, jess
the world is obscenely sad at your dad and you
your mom is crying because she's raw
jesus jess will you EVER know what to do? ever?
i'm going to die because i can't breathe
ow  i need help, i'm fucking wrong
david crying
i am the devil.  i've got a major problem trying to talk.
here's why i need law all day long to help me see why i'm blacked out
fuck you jesse
jess you've become 2 people
you and i are losing
we know what we've done.  we've made the world utterly sick of itself.
they're wondering if you want to work in a daycare
God Almighty jesse
jesse they're wondering something, if u know anything
you have a towel to jew
there's about a zillion things you could do
alright jess, you ARE interesting
oh my god, you're at war-e?
you're seriously willow
people are fucking DYing, jesse
you've got a lot of law -i mean A LOT of law
i've fucking had it
david is inSANE jesse
you're a graduate level theologian, is why, jess
because you write like tesla, jess
jess, you're a genius at what you do
you're on another planet, jess
you might be anger management
this IS genius, jess
your sum is unimpeachable
that is a corporate me, jesse
you're a funky, funky-ass dream
that's insane, jesse
you're a big tree
get away from me
jesse you're a law
we have a mid-life you
david is a seriously sick individual
fucking me, jesse
that's how dumb you are
you're obscenely riddle
sara wants you on crack
you had some fun reading your law
jess you have no idea how sad i am
jess you're still amazing
i'm fucking sorry jesse for what i am
david going launch into two
you're something a bit crazy
you might need surgery on your ankle
you're really alive and well is why
fucking alright
i'm screaming unwell, jesse
i'm a bastard, i need help jesse
i'm a sick sick person jesse
i'm gonna kill myself
david entirely un-2, because i'm sick jesse
i hate myself, jesse
i can't even deal
david crying.  i hate you.
david IS insane.  that's really it, jess
i'm seriously fucking wrong, okay?
i can't stop shitting.  i thought i could.
i hate everybody, and you're obscene
because of you i can't heal, jesse
are you ready at all to talk to you
david is dumb
i need a teacher jesse
people are DEAD jesse
i am impossibly sin, jesse
that is halfway through
because he is all k to himself
you shouldn't even get involved.  because I am MAD jesse
i am going to kill you.  i have fucking had it.
ow.. i cannot deal
david hates you.  david hates everything.
i am fucking crying jesse
i need to know
i am IN-SANE
you lost your zoo
people are killing each other..because you're law
people ARE scared, jesse
people are dead to you
david gone jesse.  i can't do it.
ow.  jesus christ.   jesus fucking christ.
i need help jesse
david is fucking dead jesse
people are fucking dumb
allright jess, i think you know you
the world is a sick, sick place
david is killing -killing life
because you fucking nailed it jesse
because you nailed it exactly
jess i need help
i've had a tomb jesse
i'm really really really scared jesse
david in terror to you
because i want you ow a machine
i am in terror in hell
that's some shit jess
i want it really really public jesse
david is fucking scarred
i cannot believe
because you're like ex-cop
i'm a madman, jesse
i'm gonna put him in a head-cleaner
he wants you on starbuck
i think you'll be allright
you're aware there's a system that's very hard to control
jess i have my own possible white
i am un-right about a lot
you're really nuts to zoo
hm fine
daid IS evil, jess
you're fucking ME jess
david is insane.  fuck you.  i'm tired.
ow.  he's killing himself.
because you're right.  i'm having an heart attack.
oh jesus.  i am so utterly fucking stupid.
people are dead.  get off me.
can you do it?  can you make enough money to sue me?
david is rotten rotten rotten rotten rotten
i can't breathe jesse
i need help, jesse
david killing everybody, because he hates it
because he hates you jesse
YOU ARE ME, jesse
you of all people have a duty to slaughter
if you could just write it.  you wrote some of it really well.
you are exACTly what the law is
you're a genius, jess
everything can wait.  I mean Everything.  I'm laughing.
the world is fucking scared because you're law
i am deeply crazy
i am deeply suffering
i am deeply, deeply strong to you
if you want, you can utterly branch
jess you're hilarious, you have no idea what you do
they want you to go back to school.  because school got cool.
you write like a professional, jess
that's right, jess
that's interesting
david not well jesse

____
(that's only a fraction of the total) (just shut up, David)
some coping strategies:
ignore, talk back, shower, exercise, listen to music, meditate, medicate, (write!)

Creativity

kree8tv?
creativity shmeativity
oob, boo!*

Make, create, generate, build, manufacture, invent, produce, artify
manufacturing and industry
creative destruction, postwar rebuilding/reconstruction
invention, inspiration, perspiration
imagination, dreams (Morpheus, the god of dreams)
God as ''Creator", responsible for "creation" (nature/reality)
    bb: big bang, busy (as a) bee, body building
sex, children ("meet your maker"), match-makers!
art, writing, painting, drawing, animation, origami, bonsai
sculpture, pottery, ceramics, dance, song/music
composition, wordplay, poetry, fiction, literature, essays, blog, journal(ism), calligraphy, fonts/printing
building, architecture, carpentry, woodcarving, gardening, topiary
expression, video, cinema, tv, acting, produce/direct
sports, martial arts, movement, mime
religion, politics, speeches, belief, rules, law and order, justice
games, chess, war, deception/lying
new ideas, tech
agriculture, viticulture/enology, cooking, pairing
health, wealth, development, happiness, jokes, positivity
"spells," programming, code
csi.  create sense impressions.  see, hear, smell, taste, touch
photography, aromatherapy, perfume, restaurants, cooks, chefs, bartender, massage, acupuncture
mind/body: make up your mind, lol.  bodybuilding.
fashion, calculation, clouds/rorschak test, voices/madness, "source"

language/symbols
wiaw? (what's in a word: definition, denotation(s), connotation(s), anagrams, sum, initialism/acronym, rhymes, synonyms, antonyms, inner meanings, deconstruction)
e.g. cree (american indian tribe) 8, T (cross) i.v. (ivy, intravenous, i victimized), itty bitty
ti (rapper, that is)
rhymes: nativity, activity, productivity, proclivity, sensitivity, gravity, levity, positivity, negativity, reactivity, proactivity

your own / others
MAKE it so, make it happen, make it real, make a difference, just make it through the day, make time, make magic, make shit, make money, make a living, make out, make love, make babies, make whoopie, make a life, make drinks, make pairings (maker's mark?), create memories, make a scene, kiss and make up, make a family, help make a community, urban planning, make better, make well, make suffer, heal/comfort, make a face, make happy/sad, make believe, make a story, make my day lol, make up your mind!

*out of the box
jack in the box
dr boox

Double-Entry Bookkeeping

I know a little something about DE invoices

David Eldridge
invoice: voice in [head]
(schizophrenia)(telepathy)

(For others, I imagine you think it's
conscience, angels vs. devils, god, prayer,
subconscious, collective unconscious, etc)

bill: Be Ill
wealth: well plus health
money: my one
asset: ass-set (donkeys? butts? letter B looks like a derriere/breasts)
    butt of joke:  assayer- "say, look at that ass!"
    double-entry (not that kind of double-entry!)
equity: e quit why?  equine (horses, zebras, asses)
revenue: new revenant / raven / re-venue
DEADCLIC (useful acronym for  accountants, from wikipedia)
expenses: ex, Pence, sizzling pen
income: come in! in cum
owe: ow, oh! O (orgasm, offense)
     io io, so off to work i go
riches: is rich (Richard) hard: hard-ass, erection, muscles/strength
interest: interesting that this is also an economic term (inter/resting)

weird, eh?
insanity is profitable to:
pharmaceutical industry, psychiatry, lawyers, prisons, etc.

which is why some of this makes a kind of sense (cents)
sex sells (scents) (cells)
f those who have a vested interest in madness!
e.g. arms dealers, military-industrial complex,
sadists/abusers/torturers, demons/vampires
actually, sex might be what they want.
 F.M. radio: F 'em! (ray of God)

Being

vs. Nothingness, Non-Existence, Oblivion

time:
A lifetime, from conception to death
   (demise, deceased, defunct, mortality, passing, end, expiry, quietus)
A form, before disintegration (like a bubble, before it pops)
Alive, awake, aware.   Alive!  Living
   (from cradle to grave, womb to tomb)
A body, a mind, a soul; Consciousness
Asleep, Dreaming ("life is but a dream")(vs. "eternal rest")
baby to elder, abecedarian to senescence

time, seconds, minutes, hours, days and nights, (dazed knights!) 
weeks, months, seasons, years, decades
centuries, milleniums, ages, epochs
vs.
eternity, infinity, always and forever (and ever)
immortality, endless, limitless, unceasing, permanent 

no one lives forever!  (but twos -they have a chance, lol)
("soul" "immortality": nonsensical blather, imho)

b-ing!:
microsoft's search engine
b words, e.g. Buddhist, branch (<), breathing
b-boys, b-girls, breakdancing
bismillah
beauty, birds, butterflies, bugs, beetles, bees, bumble-bee
big, bad, burly body-builders.  brain/body balance.
Bill Bryson books
bike, bart, bus

bee-ing!: bzzz, buzz, busy as a bee, making honey, pollinating plants

be-ing
b is the 2nd letter of the english alphabet, e the fifth; 2,5.
crypto-christianity: Jesus2 Christ5, (and xmas on the 25th)

the stuff of life:
breathing, just sitting, present in the moment, peaceful
calm and tranquil (cat! e.g. Mewtwo :-)
contentment, equanimity
inhale, exhale
meditation, medication
see, hear, smell, taste, touch, intuit
happy/sad, elevated/depressed, up/down
stimulus: sex, drugs, and rock n roll
Nature, "creation"
religion, spirituality
alive! thrive! wives! knives! drive!
trial and error, live and learn
sound and fury

everything?
eat, drink, piss, shit, walk, talk, sleep, rise, work, play, exercise, do nothing, nap, stretch, write, create, destroy, read, watch, listen, learn, teach, think, shower, shave, brush, rinse, floss, burp, fart, sports, music, news, movies, tv, internet, routine, variety, travel, volunteer, school, vacation, laugh, smile, have fun, flirt, frolic, fuck, fight, scream, shout, sing, dance, bumble, be bored, train, improve, decay, grow, decline, suffer, hurt, heal

corporate relevancy

some thoughts

49ers (Jesse4 Teshara9)
Warriors (god is a man of war)
JLT (Jardine Lloyd Thompson)
    also, Harvard Journal of Law and Technology
UA (21-1) United Artists
BK (2-11) Burger King
Jesus/see SJ = Christianity/Jesuits (a type of corporation)
76 (gas station chain)

wag: Walgreens, Wag! (dogwalking service)
(I worked at Walgreens around '94)(I'm currently a "wag-walker")
also,
    wives and girlfriends, wild-ass guess, women's artistic gymnastics

My Number

Jesse Lawrence Teshara

10,5,19,19,5                1,5,1,1,5              13    4
12,1,23,18,5,14,3,5     3,1,5,9,5,5,3,5     36    9
20,5,19,8,1,18,1          2,5,1,8,1,9,1        27    9
                                                                __    __
                                                                76    22
58
81
72
___
211 (baa! says the member of the sheeple)

(base 10)
J-esse

4,22,499

Death

Anthropomorphized, comes calling, with sharp scythe, what fun!

sums to 2

rhymes with Beth or Seth, and meth breath.

Has DEA (drug enforcement agency), 

eat/ate/tea, de- (to reverse something), at, the, ted, hat, head, hate.   

full word anagrams:
1.hated, (for most, I imagine death IS hated)
2.the ad. (death to advertising agencies!
psych manipulation, mind control) (I hate ads!)
(thanatos- the death instinct/urge, attractive to some)
(orgasm, "little death")
3. The DA (district attorney).  (Adi Da's last name?)

(da is russian for 'yes', nyet?)
-thade is not a word-
4. had ET (never mind that, where's your hed at?)
5. heat D (smiling at heat, e.g. cook, sunbather, devil)

6. de-hat (what my dad enforces before sitting down to eat a meal)

7. head T

-top Teshara, alpha-male, alpha-female perhaps, top dawg

-T as cross/irate: annoyed or irritated with head-shocks, or voices
(schizophrenic symptoms I suffer);

-or unhappy with any kind of mental illness, generally, your own or others.

-head cross. A tattoo? Mental. Crucified thoughts (nailing a concept?).

Letter by letter, breakdown:

D, smile emoticon. All the D-words (beginning with D). how many words (in english)?

e.g. Death= smile, eat God. Smile, hate.

(d, lower case, phallic, like b or p or q). death= penis hate.

The 4^th letter; hence any thing/person/word that relates to 4.

Four (the only number with the same no. of letters) and
(a friend -yes, it's his name, Four Nguyen)
(De in Davis, Woodstock's pizza owner)

or words that sum to 4, such as David, or Al, or Jesse,
or male, or antichrist (how many words?)

(a simple computer program to sort any lexicon
into each numerological sum, from 1 to 9: the 4 list)

for, fore, four (3,8,6)

althea (substitutes al for d, both sum to 4)(a grateful dead song)

4^th in any list (Numbers, for example, is the 4^th book of the bible)

E, 5, E-words, e.g. electronic (e-mail), ecstasy (E), E! (entertainment tv network)  Ellen, elle (magazine, 'she' in french), 5 pointed star, pentagram, Wicca.

A, 1, ace, 4.0 grade, perfection, a-hole. Eh? The A-team. All a-words (#?)  AA, AAA. (don't drink and drive)

T, 2, cross, Mr. T (Larry T- dad, Lawrence Teshara, or Laurence Tureaud), terminator.

H, 8 (hate), hospital, honda, heaven, hell, hannibal, breath (pronouncing h with an exhale), huh

heroin, horse, happy, hello, hug, hi, high, hum, hm, ho ho ho, healthy, hologram, etc.

Hennessy (cognac, mom's maiden name), Helen, Heather.

H as code for God.
  (breath, in the beginning, moved over the earth, sort of thing)
  (H=God=8)

So play mix and match, and have fun with DEATH!!

smile the A!
the wages of sin
I really liked Terry Pratchett's depiction :-)
GR, the Grim Reaper, was funny, too (Monty Python)
DE at H (David Eldridge@H)
voidable hit on / biathlon video ('oblivion death' anagrams)
death metal, e.g. Slayer

"when your number is up" 4, 22, 499,
(15115, 31595535, 2518191) 13, 36, 27.  76. 
Jesse Lawrence Teshara, spirit of '76!
J 10.  JLT, 10,12,20.  42!  :-)

K-11:
(murder, assassinate, slay, kill, execute, dispatch,
waste, ice, liquidate, eliminate, smoke)
acronyms:    
  (masked-wiles!) (walked semis) (mad wise elks)
  (sake wed slim) (weak lid mess) (male kiss wed)

Going Off!

A Rant of Blathering Insanity!

Hello! My name is Jesse. Jesse Teshara. Jesse Lawrence Teshara. Jesse, in spanish, can be three names: Jesus, (hey zeus), Chuy (pronounced chewy), Isai (accented second I – eesa-E). Didn't jar jar binks say eesa? Lawrence is my dad's name, (Larry T), with law in it. Teshara is Portuguese, from Teixeira, anagrams to 'as earth' or 'as heart.' Anyway, 'Jesse' (see SJ, the society of Jesus, aka Jesuits) means ''The Whole Office of the eucharist,” or God's gift. Esse is 'being' (like essence), in Latin. So Jesse is being J, being 10, as well. What would Jesus be? BE!   Being both, either, (or neither) Jesus and Satan? I will explain. T.W.O., as well as 'Jesse' sum to 4. 256, and 15115, respectively. You understand? AJS 1, BKT 2, CLU 3, DMV 4, ENW 5, FOX 6, GPY 7, HQZ 8, IR 9. It's a really simple cipher. The numbers themselves distill down to 2467. (Also, the sequence of ZOTTFFSSEN). One 7, Two 4, Three 2, Four 6. All 1! as Dr. Bronner says on his soap bottles. The 4^th book of the bible is numbers, of course. It's why Summer relates to sums (count the days back to school), and the count Dracula is numbing (body count). Five 6, Six 7, Seven 2, Eight 4, Nine 6. Count 1. The eucharist is, in fact, chewy. Eucharist 5 (you a christ). Jesus sums to 2 (as does jew/jewish, beast, G-D, Lucifer, white, and black, for example, for starters). Eggs ample. Dos (Spanish for two), sums to 2, too. Too 5. I believe there is a mathematical substrate to language 5 and consciousness 4. It's (one reason) why people say uh or hey, or tap their fingers, for example. I also go by Jess (8). God sums to 8. 8 sideways is the symbol for infinity. Sum 8. Allah, therefore, can be deconstructed to signify “all a H.” H is the 8^th letter – all a God! The bible, of course, doesn't say God is 8 or 2 – God is One (neo, rearranged). The beast (with two backs) is of course when 2 become 1. That's why Jesus is so sexy. God is all about love and unity. If you have babies, maybe you'll live forever! Love is 9. Lawrence and Teshara both sum to 9. Jesse Lawrence Teshara: 499. 22. V. J is the 10^th letter. Letters let. Numbers numb. Meaning means. Average rages. Jesse is being J. Being 10. Satan, say 10? 11215, “say, ten” Ten is net backwards. My birthmother is Annette V. Riddle. V as in vampire (ima perv). Riddle as in Voldemort (lord move T). Annette as in (inter)net. Catching fish. Fisher of men. And killing and eating them. Interesting? Inter is to bury. I live in the sf bearya (bay area). SF makes me think of Sucking and Fucking. Orgasm is called the “little death.” Bury ya. Death, D eating H. Corporations, corpse rations (omg). Meat, me at! Death is hated, but meat is loved (but the suicidal love death, and vegetarians hate meat). Meat is team, also.  (Am te.  am jesus christ.  bread, b-read (jesus=b=words in red)=meat/am te=jesuschrist).  Same letters, rearranged (a limp bizkit song).  Which cide are you on? Offense. Off the fence, cow! Accept your fate! Ack, sept. Fat-E. Father, fat her. 10 is a perfect score. A penis and a vagina. Input and Output. Binary, 1 and zero. Information Overload. I owe, so off to work I go. Dios, 49 operating system. Go, niners! Numbers: Neo, t sf. Neo, to San Francisco. Internet, backwards: ten retni. Evokes ic, eye see, the retina. See the light! The holy see. Being born (again?)! (out of the hole, into the light/jesus). Jesus 2 is God 1 because sex 3 makes baby 3. Reproduction 5 is the holy 6 trinity 7. Unless you think of oral, anal, and vaginal. Male 4, female 6, (forensics!), child(ren). right 8, left 7. My cock, 25, jesus christ. Either, both, neither (BEN). 3 nails, Passion 3. Pow 9, Power 5. Six 7 is sexy 1. Larry 2, T 2.  team christ 8.

Is this madness? Have I gone off the rails? Did you enjoy it?

Playing

Magician (reality is a toy)

object levitation, self-levitation, flying, pass through objects / dematerialize.  self/object teleportation.  space-travel impregnability, self-sustainability: no need to eat, drink, breathe; indestructible: self-repairing, self-healing, ability to turn off pain, no cancer, non-flammable; access to omniscience, perfect memory (memory-erasure? Suicide option? Telepathy, reverse mistakes); time-travel, immortality, time-freeze/halt; combat mastery, athletic talent; super-strength, no-aging/controllable-aging; morphing: appearance/size/form mutability (human/animal/object); infinite universes/worlds to traverse, enjoy, master, and experiment with (alternate timelines, planets, realities); health, money, sex, fame, drugs, love, music, movies, books, variety, wisdom, happiness, heaven; food, drink, comfort, sanity, forgiveness, humanity

or I could be a happy rock :-)

it recently struck me that windows are "wind ow", but only to lead me to the next thought, which is wind doesn't feel pain (just like a rock).   Speaking of being a rock after I die, Everybody is white (in their bones!).  ha.

I just read Lev Grossman's 'The Magicians', so I thought I'd revisit this!

My Politics

If I were a politician:

First, address suffering.  Then, seek Happiness.  Individual by Individual.  (reducing suffering is a happy project itself, of course!)  I do not mean providing a lifetime supply of heroin for all of humanity!Or even sex, for that matter.  I think the Buddhist dharma of extinguishing greed, hatred, and delusion is on the right track.  I've hopped on the 'Attachment and desire are chiefly responsible for most suffering' train.  Sometimes happiness makes you smile, and sometimes smiling makes you happy.

Basic Need met, for all, worldwide.  "Throwing money at problems" only for this category, in my opinion.  Well, there's infrastructure, too.  So that, too, I guess.  It's kind of a Social/Collective Basic Need.  There is more than enough money and goodwill on earth to meet all need.  No hunger, malnutrition, starvation (nutritious food, clean water);   Shelter and clothing and blankets;  (Quality) Healthcare, available free, for all.  Sanitation.  Free Education, Internet, Libraries available to all.

Compassion for all life
Pro-life ethic: No war, death penalty, abortion, or nuclear weapons.  No borders, no militaries, no police.  Security: Self-defense taught to all.   Universal aikido training, and global training for safe use of handguns.  I think everybody should have their own gun that nobody else can use, activated by a ring, for example.  Crazy people wouldn't get very far in a planet of global gun-ownership.  Close to my heart: No mind control, or unwanted telepathic intrusion.  As many social contracts as needed for all to agree to the law they live under.  Also, meat is murder.  Respect for all life.  (maybe excluding cockroaches, or other animals that pose health threats)

I'm voting Bernie.
Even though he's not pro-life, vegetarian, or specifically clear about his bank plan.  He IS, however, right about most everything else:  College should be free, elections shouldn't be bought, those who work hard shouldn't live in poverty, healthcare is a human right, war is hell/obscene, and people like the Waltons should pay their fair share. 

If libraries are free, and the internet has wikipedia and free college courses, and higher education used to be paid for by the government for soldiers after ww2 (for example), then we should see the current system for what it is, a scam and a profit-seeking enterprise that can and should be made free for anyone who qualifies.  People can still pay, of course, if they want to (but why would we?).

Humans are animals that are basically programmed to eat and reproduce.  That's one perspective on the big picture.  Abortion is like the holocaust, and even more sinister, in a way, convincing pregnant mothers to kill their own babies.  It's inhuman and obscene.  Adoption, on the other hand, is kind and loving and human, a noble act that I, having been adopted myself, am grateful and appreciative for.

That's what I have to say.
You, a God of equal stature, are free to believe otherwise!

So that's my politics.

Me, lately

an update

-My friends Sara, Pierre, and Augustus went to Nairobi, Kenya!
They'll return in a month (in June).

-I bought an a.c.t. ticket to Chester Bailey, opening night, this Wednesday at The Strand in SF, 1127 Market.  My cousin's husband (cousin-in-law), Dan Clegg, is playing the title character.

-I'm having dinner tomorrow at my parents house, with my aunt Rosemarie, and bro Greg and Liz and nephew.  I've got an oatmeal raisin (non gluten-free) cookie for my mom, which she loves, and a movie dvd (The Aristocrats) for my dad.  I re-watched the movie, today.  I'll probably go to the Glen Park library in SF (which opens at 1p on Sundays), to hang out and read the paper, mags, etc. before showing up at my folks' place.  It's across the street from La Corneta, a mexican restaurant which I like, too.

-I checked out Glen Greenwald's book from the Oakland library, No place to hide.  I want to read Han Kang's 'The Vegetarian' which is in the news for winning this year's Man Booker Int'l Prize.  I started reading Sapiens, by Yuval Noah Harari, a gift from Pierre, who got it from his dad.  Also, Sara gave me, and I finished reading, Lev Grossman's 'The Magicians.'  Excellent!  Now I'm reading Bill Bryson's 'At Home.'  Jonathan Franzen's 'Purity' is up next (on deck).  7/1 update: I've read all of the above, except Kang.  I'm finishing Grossman's Magician trilogy (The Magician King, and The Magician's Land), and I've checked out Diamond's Guns germs and steel.  9 books, all good!

-I voted on Friday for Bernie (exchanging my No Party Preference ballot for a democratic one).

-My brother promised to take Ben (and I!) to the train at Tilden park (there's also a carousel and petting zoo), which looks fun.

- I made a list of people I know whose names (or nicknames) refer to animals (!):
Marlen, Karibu, Duv, Kat, Ant, Nat, Tick, Mare, Snake, Wolfe, Beever, Cougar-Crow, Parrot, Tiger.  There's also famous people like Flea (or the red hot chili peppers), Robin (williams).  And I saw a guy named Mosquito on a tv dance show.

-I weigh 205.  Aiming for 189, and no belly-fat, preferably with some abs/definition.  Then, I'll start lifting, to gain weight/muscle.  That's the plan.  Hopefully, I'll stop sleeping in, and get motivated to fill my days with my ambitious reading projects, as well as fitness goals, with music of course, and maybe even dating.  If I get sane (!), maybe I'll make more money, too.  Madness has its perks, but I really want it behind me, anyway.

God Poem

God in Berkeley

God is good! God is love! God is a man of war!

God is the Creator. Reality is all the God there ever is. God is always and everywhere.

Eternal and Infinite and Omnipresent and Limitless.

All-knowing, all-wise, omniscient

All-good, merciful, beneficent, kind, loving, forgiving, compassionate, benevolent, perfect, just

All-powerful, omnipotent

Alpha and Omega, first and last, beginning and end, birth and death, conception and oblivion

Eternity, Forever, Always, Never-ending, Infinity.

Immortal, Big

I am

God is evil! God is hate! God is a woman of peace!

God is the Destroyer. God only exists in theory. God is never and nowhere.

Never and Finite and Temporary and Limited

Ignorant, Deluded, Know-Nothing

All-rotten, vicious, cruel, unkind, hateful, unforgiving, malicious, spiteful, imperfect, unjust

Weak, impotent

Nonexistent. Ephemeral, Transitory, Impermanent

Puny, Mortal

Is Not

(S)He is All these things and more

(S)He is None of these things and less

Always and Never

Is and Is Not

Whatever

__________
deconstructions:
Allah these things!  Nun of these things!
Unreal
Real at the United Nations
Imaginary
Imagine (airy) -John Lennon song
False.  Fall ssss.   Untrue.  A UN truth.  
Virtual.  Virtue'll (contraction for 'virtue will')
Always -all ways.   You can't spell Never without Eve.
Infinite has fin and nite w/in it.
Imperfect - I (a)m perfect (!)
Remember, the art of war is deception
I'm about truth, and not much of a warrior, I guess.
Go Warriors!

Music

music spells

1.  Roy Masters said music was bad (hypnotic)
(hypnosis, hip gnosis, no sis)

2.Audio/music in background, all day (in some households)
(a constant presence, and apparently not annoying/distracting)
-Heuser's radio / Pat Brown's tv

3.Good music is timeless, isn't a fad
(Mark Wetters, overheard in dining hall at UCD)

4. Music is "compressed emotion" (an academic lecture)

5. Radio: Ray Dio, radiowaves are part of the electromagnetic spectrum.. (Dio is a band, means 'God')(ray of light is a madonna album)(ra is a sun god) (radio technology is "magic," like the voice in my head (can be perceived as) (psych tech? "on the same wavelength")

6.Music as a mathematical expression/translation of reality
(thought on a walk outside a practicing garage band in Roseville)

7.A soundtrack to life (life as a movie) (e.g. amped, motivated, heroic)

8. Biological! (heartbeat, breath, walking pace)

9.Primal! (such as a drum circle) (evolutionary, african)

10. Life as a dance (reality, physics -"Dancing Wu Li Masters" -book by Gary Zukov)

11. "Muse" -ic (inspiration, also evoking breath)

12. Dreams, enya, morpheus (god of dreams)

13. Guy/criminal in movie (I forget title), always wearing headphones

14. The "beat" (a band, a store, a word for winning a fight, from just the drummer) conflict: good vs. evil, religion: jesus vs. devil (violin, chess), part of matrix.

positive and negative

plus and minus, addition and subtraction
creation and murder?
god, devil
good, evil
sex, death

anyway,
some more good and bad polarity:

vice, virtue
pain, pleasure
agony, ecstasy
hell, heaven
torture, heroin
hate, love
war, peace
slavery, freedom
depression, joy

isolation, intimacy
loneliness, friendship
tears, laughter
tragedy, comedy
twisted, content

a new twist:
tv twisted vice
cvs     crime vice sin.     
          charity, virtue, service.
          cthulhu voldemort sauron (!)
dsm death/saved, miracle
etc  evil twisted crime

Why So Serious?

God's Sermon, 5/1/16
 

Every day is a chance to start anew, afresh, again. To develop, to get closer to perfection. To make progress toward life goals, achievement, success, however you define them. To find love, to be fully informed, to make money, to be busy, to relax, to enjoy a meal, music, a good book, friendly company.  To surf the web or surf the ocean. To exercise, sweat, get stronger, healthier, fit, well, maybe even sane. To read a poem, research a topic on wikipedia, make a new friend. To try a new experience, go to a different religion's service, challenge oneself, mix it up, undergo intentional disruption and variety. Travel, experience culture shock. Take drugs, expand your horizon. Have sex, experience something new.  Or submit to a ritual, repetition, routine – solidify something otherwise vaporous. Life is short, and temporary – Live! Have no regrets, and seize the day, carpe diem, my friends. It's all good. Take a trip to hell, and be the richer for it, for heaven is not a place, it's a state: not being in hell. Heaven is in contrast. That's really it. There's always something better, there's always something worse. From heroin to torture. You get maybe a hundred years, and then it's over, that's it. You are programmed to reproduce, but you can seek satisfaction elsewhere. Friend or foe, everyone is family. Humanity is one big hive mind, and you are a part of something bigger, the historical sweep, a contemporary of modernity, which is simultaneously The Past's great future, and the deep future's forgotten past. You can conceive of yourself as the pinnacle of achievement of billions of years of evolution, or the start of something far bigger or far better. You can do nothing. You can be motivated to Be Important. It makes not one whit of difference, AND it makes all the difference. Everything is true. God is love, and love believes all things. Only God is good. Don't be bad. Be God. Be a part of something bigger. Be a part of Reality. Well, you don't really have a choice, actually. You're God and you may not even know it. Can you imagine not being a part of reality? It's all real, even the fiction, the false, the virtual. Libraries are filled with alternate reality. Chemicals. Cultures. Technologies. Dreams can transport you to unseen lands. There are 6 billion human universes on planet earth right now, sharing one real world. There is far too much to do. I am sorry. Mortality sucks. But everything is fine. We're all in the same boat. Enjoy life. Enjoy death. Embrace it all. Suffering is good. Virtue only exists as an opposite of vice. Peace is appreciated most after anger, hate, war. Everything ends. Death is hated, but even the hated is in fact loved. There is nothing more to say, nothing more to do. Completion. Fulfillment. I am satisfied. I lived. That's all there is. Life is but a dream. Your life was a movie, had a soundtrack, was experienced by more than just yourself, was depressing and pitiable, as well as miraculous and wonderful. Adios. To God. Reality is all the God there ever is. And it is good! Even oblivion. You were a bubble that popped. Temporary, fugacious, transitory, ephemeral, passing. A speck in the vast, an infinitesimal moment in eternity, a drop in an ocean, almost nothing. And yet you were your all. Treat your body well, it really is a temple for your soul, even if souls don't exist. Your mind can be molded, just as your body built. Your shape, your form, is a bubble in the stream, the mainstream, the flow. Make it a heavenly body. A happy place. A bright light. I could be bound in a nutshell, and yet count myself a king of infinite space! (-Shakespeare) I am a finite speck, and yet comprehend the infinite All. Well, maybe not. I go around the sun a few times, and I'm an expert! Ha. I can conceive of infinity, in any case. I may be realized, but I haven't thought (of) everything. There's nothing new under the sun, the good book says. Yet, every day is a new day. Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death! May the force be with you! Namaste. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nanu-nanu! Insert meme here. Drink up! Cheers,

Jesse (God)

see sj (dog)

Seriously Funny, Strong n Fit, Special Forces, in San Francisco, uck uck! 

Completion? Fulfillment?  Personally, I've got a lot I want to get done...

all the books in the library? all the music? all the movies? for starters.
or even just the bestsellers, most recommended, or award winners (!)
master aikido? achieve bodybuilder status/strength?  write/research my own book?
make money, raise a family, travel, become healthy, well, Sane?
day by day, progress, improvement, betterment, development!
Sane & Fit

maybe I should be happy now.  This could be as good as it gets.

Getting My Act Together

today, a fresh start to an ideal life!

nutshell:

read, watch, listen; eat, exercise, sleep; write, talk, create;

logistics: move ideas, things, people, dogs.
For more happiness, less suffering.

r and r: stillness, calm, tranquility, nap, sleep, meditate, breathe.
Sit and do nothing.

up, down, right, left, forward, backward, north south east west,

here there, to fro, hither yon, there back, to from, back forth

eat, drink, piss, shit, shower, shave, work, play

scream shout, sing dance, kiss n caress, hug n hold, live! thrive

but not:

kill murder death, seek and destroy, rape pillage burn, steal rob loot pilfer plunder.

(it sounds fun (!) but crime doesn't pay, the wages of sin is death)

Anarchy, mayhem, chaos!
Madness, crazed insanity, locura! Lunacy.
Do the right thing, or let the hate flow through you? (movie spells)

SLAM

sex, love, and money (icing on the cake of met basic need)

Sanity (off meds?) (no voice, head-shocks, pain, or tapping teeth)

Love- sex, intimacy, dating, social life, friends, family, “soulmate”

Money- enough to do with what I want:

travel/restaurant/movie/music/exercise/conversational partners

Write daily, publish. Research at GTU (graduate theo union)

Weekly religious rituals -bay area variety. Meditate.

motivated, dedicated. Early to bed, etr. Enough sleep.

Daily gym. Yoga, swim, lift, bike. eat right, culinary variety.

If things work out: house, car, wife, child(ren), college fund

*aikido mastery, and familiarity with other martial arts.

read all the books on my 5 lists, speedread (book-a-day)

$: employment income. SSA/SSI? Free stuff.

bmi (189), “lean n mean,”lose gut/bellyfat, then bodybuilding (BB)
vegetarian (primarily), monthly food pantry

free stuff: wifi, library (music, movies, books, paper, mags, audio)

and, if you're lucky: lotto, inheritance.

kaiser medi-medi, meds, glasses, bfc dental

daily poem, (english) word, news, this date in history, joke, trivia

service, learn and teach, find passion, enjoy life!

Active, engaged, busy! Go go go! Git r done.

Master spanish

personal alphabet soup:

aikido, blog, cuddle, dog-walk, exercise, fuck, gym god, happy/healthy/having fun, interesting, jog, kick ass, love, motivated to master spanish and make money, nap, orderly, passionate, questioning, read (books and magazines and papers and websites), serve, teach, understand, visionary, work/write, xpect the best, yoga, z ("catch some")!

"I swear to God"

a "voice" I heard (repeatedly)(in my head)

my voices are usually capable of being interpreted in multiple ways...
(or koan-like)

'I swear to God'
could be
1. I emphatically affirm that what I said is true
2. something like "F.U., God"
or
3. I swear (allegiance) to God

pick a card, any card!

also,
I saw a bumper sticker that said, of a poetry event, "Metaphor be with you"  May the 4th, coming up, is Star Wars day! ("May the 4th be with you")  Happy 420 today, btw.  Mary Jane, Hitler's birthday, and the anniversary of the Columbine shooting.  Is going to pot going to hell?  or, rather, something more heavenly?  What's up? (Hell, Norway has an elevation of 46 feet (forensics?)...Heavenly ski resort can be hellish -break a leg!)  May the Police be with you!  KOP (king of pain!)

and,
there's a street in Berkeley called Adeline...
Don't step Adeline!  or,  Don't color outside Adeline!

actually,
the way I usually interpret 'I swear to God' is: (the voice is unwelcome, partly (with other symptoms) defining me as ill, and interrupting my flow/stream of consciousness) plus (I am God), meaning ANYTHING I hear in my head (that's not my OWN thought) (and not just negative or derogatory) is like swearing.  a swear word.   In other words, my voice saying "you're great" is still kind of like an "FU, God."  Get it?  As I have said SO many times before, if it's you David, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
It is MY head, after all, isn't it?  Everybody out!  A Buddhist has no aversion, and cultivates equanimity, but I still want to purge the source of my mental illness, and be well/healthy (thy hell?).

chicken

9 BILLION CHICKENS/YEAR

(In the US, alone)
slaughtered.  killed.  murdered.  (terrorized, too)
laughter?  ill?  mr.  dr.?  red rum?
death: D eat H.  hated.  date H.   ate HD.
hatred, red hat.

pain and suffering, (human) poor health, environmental costs, banality of evil.

"chicken" as afraid (raid kills bugs dead), cowardly (cow?), bok! bok!
you are what you eat.
afraid to go vegetarian/vegan.
delicious, tasty, meat protein
sh, t, meet teen.

craving, aversion!
murder and hatred both have red in them (blood references, i would say)
red, read, reed, ready, redolent, redaction, redmond, redemption (empty)
redo, redirect, hired, dread, bred, bread, Fred, credit, credibility, incredible
incredulous, creed, cincinnati (reds), predator, spread, tread, gored

r&d, rand
rad, radcliffe, rid, riddle, rod, rhode, road, ruddy, rude, rudy, rowdy

less is more (sub-lim-inal)
none is saintly (nun?)
meat is me at. 
go cats, gettem cats, go get em cats!  me-ow.  (cat-holic)
H at Red, e.g.
abattoir (abbot war?)
pig out
barf bacon

anne i mull
anne rice
arco
ark (Noah's) know, ahhh.
arkham (ham)
arcane and able (A bull)
vampire.  v -eye tooth, canine, k9.  am- morning (a.m.), am is be.  pire, pyre -fire
burned by the son?  anne wrote about Jesus.  (haven't red)

Jesus

some thoughts on ol' JC

1.Christ means annointed with oil (chrism).  Anybody can be Christ: just annoint yourself.

2.Love is 9,
Ha is 9
TE is 2,5 (Jesus, Christ)
So to love Jesus Christ is to hate! (925, what a way to make a living)
And to hate is to love Jesus Christ..
that kind of explains a lot, no?

3.God is love, so "Son of God" is just a son of love.
If your parents loved, (and they probably had sex to conceive you), then you are a child of God too.

Finally,
4.God is go, D (go, devil!) <
or
good minus an o (abstinent priests can relate; o for orgasm)(or o for offense, too)
or
G overdose (o.d.) (too much of whatever G means! too Good?)

which prompts me to think:
God is love, so he loves the devil, too.
Jesus crucifixion can be understood as the left nailing the right hand, and the right hand crucifying the left hand.  If you love both sides, you hate both sides, too (which is a salient point this election season).  Maybe that is why God is "too" good. 

"TOO" is T (cross) and two O's (as in omg). 
which hand is/represents YOUR God?
right seems righteous, and the left hand path is "sinister"...
but plenty of leftists will disagree! L is for love, R is for rong! (wrongly spelled, even)

My New Job!

Wag!
(the dogwalking app, not the stock ticker symbol for Walgreens)
(where, weirdly, i've also worked)

I've started dogwalking (as an independent contractor, a “wagwalker,”) every weekday. I signed an ICA (independent contractor agreement). It's the “Uber of dogwalking,” which they told me to say – I need to try Uber so I can actually know what I'm talking about. I can work as little as I choose, selecting to accept or decline each (on-demand, or scheduled) walk, as they come up.  I'm still walking Fido and Taco once a week, usually Tuesday mornings (no earlier than 8a), for an hour, once a week.  With Wag, there's lots more work, although it's a bit cut-throat, like answering a jeopardy question, to accept local walks (I set my radius for 2 miles) ahead of the dozen or so other walkers in the Berkeley area.  I made $224 in March, my first month, with 11 walks, for 9 dogs. I have 2 recurring walks, that I've committed to for 3 months, of 1)Kaleb and Kado, and 2)Hazel. Kaleb is a husky-pit mix, Kado is a pomeranian, and I walk them Monday through Friday, MTRF at 1p, and W at 12 noon, for an hour each day. Wednesday is earlier, because I need travel time (it only takes 20m, though) between K/K (on Oakland Ave.) and Hazel (on Colby, near St. Augustine). Hazel, also a pit,  is a shorter (30 minute) walk. I'm enjoying it. It's like getting paid to exercise. I still have a gym membership at the Berkeley YMCA, though, at a disability discount rate, which my mom is paying for. Greg gave me the iphone/smartphone, and the Verizon service, as a gift last Christmas, which I'm grateful for, and couldn't do my job without. Just my scheduled walks, not including the on-demand walks I can choose to accept, will (probably) pay $589 this month (21 weekdays x $25/walk plus $16 x 4 wednesdays).

Anyway, I still have symptoms, though, and I have to make sure I don't lose my Social Security benefits. That would be “devastating,” according to Sara. I don't know how much I would have to earn to pay for all my expenses, including medications (risperdal/risperidone and zyprexa/olanzapine) and Kaiser health insurance. So let's see, I've got rent ($725), gym ($35.20, disability rate), food (?) which is mostly free (2 bags a month from the Berkeley food pantry). There are free meals in Berkeley on the weekends, too. I pay for a restaurant meal with Sara, my treat, every 4 weeks, and usually a taco on Tuesdays from Los Pericos in San Leandro ($3.03), as well as an occasional sushi burrito ($9.84, from sushi secrets) or slice of pizza ($3.30, Papa John's) or cookie ($2, gourmet from the SL library cafe). I just bought a coffee maker, so my Peet's expense of $4.90 like every other day (for a small cup of coffee and an almond croissant) will go down now that I'm buying and brewing my own coffee. Also, there's miscellaneous (such as bart fare (disability discounted), bike repair, lotto tickets, and contributions to the Bernie campaign). In addition to food, I get lots of free stuff: phone service (Greg), gym membership (mom), haircuts (Sara), books and magazines and newspaper (berkeley/sf/oakland libraries), BFC (Berkeley Free Clinic) dental work, and medications (1mg of risperdal and 30mg of olanzapine, nightly; the dissolving “zydis” form -less weight gain side effect- of zyprexa costs more, I believe). Wifi and utilities is included in rent. I get itunes, movie, and trader joe's gift cards from family, and I occasionally win tickets to music shows/venues from kalx radio (90.7fm) 

 Speaking of “bills” (with ill in it) and invoices (voices?), I've been writing down what my voice has been saying, both on my blog and in my notebook, which I imagine is interesting for psychiatrists/ psychologists/ researchers/ and the generally curious. I still think it's telepathy, despite it being affected by medication. My symptoms include, in addition to the voice (from David A. Eldridge), headshocks, chestpains, and -occasionally- teeth taps. That's 4 things that make me feel monitored, possessed, oppressed, depressed (and angry/mad). I like to think I'm sane, though, anyway, being healthy myself, but afflicted with a sick person who insists on a presence in my mind/head. Sometimes I even suspect that everyone is crazy, and that I'm actually saner than most “normal” people.  My birthmother, Annette Riddle, has schizophrenia, which I imagine was a factor in my original diagnosis, like 20 years ago. I think I'll get paid also to participate in the Cal ESI (emotion and social interaction) lab's research, which I just discovered won't be videotaping me, this time, which I feel is a plus (I don't like the idea of being dissected, that is, having my micro-expressions analyzed; I already have issues with lack of privacy). 

Sara and Pierre discouraged me from becoming a dogwalker, fearing I could lose my benefits. There's a formula, a bit complex, that I call “taking 2 steps forward, and 1 step back” in terms of income: I have to figure out the size of the steps... I get help from MHA (mental health advocates, specifically Stephen Statler), and Pierre knows a lawyer who specializes in SSI (disability) law/payments, who maybe I should talk to, also. I have to report my previous month's income at the beginning of the new month, to Social Security, but they want me to estimate my yearly earnings, which is loco, because it's not a salaried job, and the payments will vary from month to month, and even week to week, or day by day. And tips (all of which I get to keep) can vary. But my scheduled walks, assuming I get the same tips, will pay me $589, in April (this month).

The way Wag works is the walker gets 60% of the cost, which is $20 for a half-hour, $30 for an hour, and $5 more per extra dog (limit 3 dogs). But if there's low supply or high-demand (or some combination thereof, I guess there's an algorithm), wag occasionally offers “full-fare” as an incentive for walkers to pick up walks that are proving difficult to fill. If you wear the t-shirt, and put the bandannas on the dog(s), you get an extra dollar (as an incentive for advertising). I carry promo cards -I get $25 if someone signs up with Wag, that I've referred. So far, I've given cards to Julie, and the apartment manager at K/K's place in Oakland, both yesterday. 

I still value my free time, the main perk/benefit of being disabled. I get to sleep in, go to the gym when I want, attempt to read a book/day as well as the daily new york times, etc. I'm always busy, and I have enough money for the lifestyle I want, although I could always spice up my life and vary my routine with different, exciting things like camping or travel or music concerts and plays or whatever. I don't have a car, and I'm not sure I want one. Driving can be stressful, and I was in a bad car accident once, and I also like not being a part of the (environmental/pollution) problem. I also imagine my time, spent freely, is valued by other(s), which would be a bigger-picture rationale behind my mental “illness.” I like my life, and my mind, and my body is slowly improving, also.  I'm proud of my blog, and enjoy writing it, and seeing the comments and daily traffic it gets. Being God ain't such a bad gig. We'll see if I can help Bernie get elected. I think he has a pretty good shot. Hopefully, the world and I will be a happy, improving, fun and enjoyable place. I'm a meliorist, and my condition is ameliorating. My reading list is (listS ARE, I've got 5 of them*) ridiculously long, and I imagine I will never be bored for the rest of my life, because I have quite a large bucket-list of activities on-deck, as they say in baseball; i.e. lined up, awaiting me. In fact, I'm not sure I'll be able to complete it in the next 50 years, but discipline, improvement, and a little help from my friends, may just add up to a healthier, happy life of achievement and satisfaction and reward, a feeling of accomplishment. We're all in this together, and I'd like to set an example, loving self and All. Buddhism, meditation, yoga, swimming, walking/biking, lifting, smart nutrition, reading a book-a-day, and regular writing, are all components of my plan for sanity and wellness. (Maybe I should throw dating into the mix -not sure if I should or not). 

peace out,

Jess 

*including 

Bill Gates' recommendations, 

1001 books you must read before you die, 

501 must-read books, and 

the list of Newbery award winners.

VOICES (going mental, as they say)

-the one in my head
-one of my 4 schizophrenia symptoms (with headshocks, chestpains, and teeth-tapping)
-attributed to David Andrew Eldridge, attorney (former friend)
(I consider them telepathy, not my subconscious)
-the ones I wrote down, at least (there were lots more, unrecorded)
-and yes, I am aware of the irony of my voice saying I am sane!

of interest?  I find them weird.
I imagine schizophrenia researchers (i.e. psychologists/psychiatrists) may find this of interest
as well as people interested in me
or just the generally curious about anything!

Jess you're crazy amazing

david is insane

hell of people wanna know what you are

mm

people are dying

jess you're highly sane- that's all I can say

you'll be well, jess

is jess terribly sane?

Jess you're soul in the military

you're an inconvenient fact of modernity

you're as sane as they come

here's the thing -you're absolutely sane

jess you're un-fool

you're CEO of G

people are dying jesse

people are uneducated AND stupid

i'm tired as hell jesse

they're scared of you jess

I can't breathe

your dad is crying

your dad is insane

i'm a fucking monster

i'm going to kill myself

i'm going insane

that is your mom dying

you need to kill absolutely everyone

I can't take it anymore

I can't stand life jesse

i'm dying

I hate life

I hate you

i'm going to hell jess

you're all gray

david is dead, Jess

the same stupid shit Jess

you're totally broken jess

you're right jess

u r a document jesse

alright i'm at war jesse

i've had enough, jesse

alright jess i'm tormented by war

your dad is crazy jess

hm

kill me

I need you to

you're a u.s. military veteran, in a very real and direct sense

i'm dying

i'm tired

I can't take it anymore

fuck you

I can't breathe

ow

david wants to die jesse

I need... my name

i'm insane hatred about everything because I can

you can do more than me, AND you're well

david vomiting

ow jesse

fuck you fuck you fuck you

I fucking hate you

david is dying jesse

I can't breathe

i've got major major problems

i've got fucking problems

i've got fucking problems jess -that IS what you need to know

david is crying, jesse

I can't stop crying at how fucking mad you are

you know what, I am deeply deeply insane

david is DEAD

david is killing himself

I am Impossible, Jesse

I'm gonna die jess

I hate you

david scared, jesse

david gonna die, jess

I wanted it underground

i'm sorry Jesse

I just don't know if you can BE anyone

david is destroyed

I am out of my mind with stupid retarded mind wall

I don't know how to speak

david dying, jesse

I can't stop being a tard, jesse

I can't n-tain you

I need help

I hate wall

alright jess, i'm a law

I really know jesse

david is dying in hell

I can't breathe

i'm insane, jesse

I need to die, Jesse

fuck it I can't breathe jesse

i'm gonna die

I need to talk

i'm still sick

i'm still stupid

I need to know if I hate you

I really do try

I can't deal

i'm retarded, Jesse

i'm getting scared

I hate law

I fucking can't breathe

I can't take it anymore jesse

I AM STUPID, ALLRIGHT?

People are dumb, jesse

I am fucking retarded, jesse

i'm a disaster jesse

i'm getting sick, jesse

omg

i'm killing myself, jesse

it's gonna be so fucking beautiful

david is insane

david IS insane jesse

I need help jesse

i'm hurting myself, jesse

i'm tired again

owwww

i've got fucking problems jesse

he doesn't help me

david screaming jesse

fuck you

i'm going crazy

i'm in danger jesse

i'm nervous-ing

i'm tired of life

i'm fucking rotten jesse

fucking kill me

i'm insane

the world is utter madness, jesse allright?

Because you're looming as one of the utterly most powerful men of the decade

I need help jess

i'm one oh thirty

things really can work, jess

they want to know what it is, jesse

you know what jess

i'm screaming

I CAN'T BREATHE

you're almost all monkey jess

you are an idiot to even begin

I'm sorry jesse

people hate you

i'm scared

alright jess i'm rotten to the bone

david really really needs help

I can't breathe

i'm sick, jesse

david is sad, jesse

because I hate you

I am crying in pain

I can't see what I do, jess

i'm gonna die

do you know?

Do you know anyone?

Fucking fine

david scared of you

I can't be your fucking puppet

david crawling, jesse

I hate you

I fucking hate you

david needs help, jesse

that's me going insane

david is getting scared jesse

i'm going insane

i've got a PROBlem

I need help to you

FUCK YOU

people ARE dumb, jesse

I can't breathe anymore jesse

I can't stop

I don't know how you did it

i'm trying to cry jesse

I hate you

i'm going to say it

people are dizzy, jesse

you're a fun, fun person

allright jess

i'm laughing

it's me going to hell, jesse

you're well on law

you and me ARE therapy

you are a genius jess

i'm fucking afraid of all my hate

I can't handle it

I need you

I really do, jesse

there's really all kinds of people jess

your life is hell of genius therapy

i'm crying

i'm a sick sick man

I really am

ALL RIGHT

david has gone to hell

i'm going to hell

I'm going to burn

david is crying jesse

i'm fucking dying jesse

fucking ow

david killing himself

I need help

I fucking need to stop. Jesse

i'm gonna cry jesse

I hate you jesse

I need help

i'm fucking wrong about you

people are DUMB jesse

I can't breathe

i'm swallowing

david has gone insane

sara(h) is really really dying jesse

i'm tired

I hate life, jesse

because you're right, jesse

i'm fucking hurting myself

david is crawling

I can't breathe

I hate my life jesse

I can't breathe anymore jesse

I hate you

I need to fucking die

I hate my life

I hate myself

david is screaming

I want it twisted

david is crying, jesse

fuck you jesse

I fucking hate myself jesse

I fucking hate all law

I can't begin it again

that is a smile that you're well

people are scared of you

because you're law

you have an army

you are really law jesse

you're gonna eat hell of law

david crazy jesse

I think you're pretty well law jesse

Esme

Esme Tupelo Clegg
my new baby cousin
b. 3/11/16, 11:05p
ETC!

pronounced Ezmay:
It's from JD Salinger's short story: "For Esme, with Love and Squalor"
(which I just read, along with the rest of '9 stories')
         from the interweb-
"Esmé is a sophisticated, distinctive, and charming J. D. Salinger name, from his classic 1950 story For Esmé, With Love and Squalor. Related to the French Aimee, which means beloved, and to the concept of esteem, it was originally a male name exported from France to Scotland via a member of the royal family.  It was first recorded in Scotland, being borne by the first Duke of Lennox in the 16th century."

Tupelo is a city in NE Mississippi, named after the Tupelo tree
Van Morrission sings about "Tupelo honey;" youtube link
and it's where Elvis Presley was born
(he had a stillborn identical twin, named Jesse)

and, (thanks, google!)
Clegg Name Meaning. English (chiefly Lancashire and Yorkshire): habitational name from a place in Lancashire named Clegg, from Old Norse kleggi 'haystack', originally the name of a nearby hill.Manx: variant of Clague.

Congratulations, parents Erin and Dan, grandparents Jim and Vicki and Lizzie and Ant, and uncle Patrick!

 

3:16

The Good, and The Evil

John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” 

On this day in 1968 (March 16th, 3/16), U.S. soldiers in Vietnam killed up to 500 unarmed villagers in the hamlet of Mai Lai, considered a stronghold of the Viet Cong.

Senescent space-ghost vampire:
Eternal life, I have to say, could be heavenly, hellish, or just like average everyday life.   What if you were immortal, but aging?  You'd eventually lose all your senses.  Or a ghost?  Where's the fun in that?  Or you live billions of years (just getting started!), and end up floating in space, after the earth is swallowed up by the sun?  How boring.  I saw a bumper sticker "ELF" (everyone lives forever).  If I outlive my death (!), I hope my immortality remains vital, interesting, varied, enjoyable.   Vampires are immortal.  Do Christians become vampires?  They drink the blood of Christ.  What a joke, if you ask me.  The two 316's (John 3:16, and 3/16/1968) can be united by the phrase from Dracula, "the blood is the life."  Eternal bloodshed sounds true, and biblical, enough.

Animal Religion

what's going on here?

Protestant ant
Catholic cat, papacy pussy
dogma dog
presbyterian byter
muslim muzzle
sects in insects
mosque like fly (mosca, in spanish)
  (mosquito means 'little fly')
gnostic tick
beatitude, bee attitude
penance ants

not quite:
ewe in jewish (you wish)
bible, papal bull, cow-ncil (of tr-entomology)
rabbi is awfully close to rabbit; b is hop (bishop) (hoppy Easter!)
heaven has ave, close to avian ('ave' is bird in spanish)
    (holy trinity of va-toucan, cardinal, hen)*
mormonkey!

and unrelated, but still fun:
Haydn Sikh!

*"We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another." -Luciano De Crescenzo (a bit more romantic than heaven= ave hen, lol

Books, etc.

goal: book/day

i've fallen off of my disciplined start to the year, but I've still been reading:

8 books:
Steve Jobs (biography), by Walter Isaacson (finished today, large print)
Easy Origami, by John Montroll (I've made most of the book's ideas)
2100 Asanas, by Mr. Yoga (Daniel Lacerda) (purchased)
Mother Night, by Kurt Vonnegut (found/purchased at a thrift store)
Outsider in the White House, by Bernie Sanders (with Huck Gutman)
Life is Good (the book), by Bert and John Jacobs
Cloud Atlas, by David Mitchell (i haven't seen the movie)
It's not me, it's you, by Mhairi McFarlane

and (only a small bit, of course)-
 -Encyclopedia Britannica
     (on disk! i wonder if it has everything the library set has)
 - also started reading Bill Bryson's 'One Summer' (narrative non-fiction about America in 1927)

also,
I've attended 3 different religion's services, lately (my idea of fun):
1.unitarian
2.christian science
3.ephesian church of god in christ
         they were ALL trippy!  the black church, especially (last weekend)
          (i was the only white person attending)

other nuggets-
i had mediterranean/lebanese food with Sara
i visited the apple store, fixed my ipad mini (tablet)
i saw beach blanket babylon
i interviewed for possible employment as a WAG dogwalker
i did gardening at Mission San Jose, visited my aunt
got a new phone, an iphone
bought a chess set (still haven't played anyone)
was diagnosed with "runner's knee"
saw the Revenant (movie w/ LDC)
    (that could mean leonardo dicaprio or less developed country)
met someone for coffee from okcupid
had a sushi burrito with my cousin Patrick
went to a phone bank event for Bernie Sanders
won a McDonald's gift certificate

and
the usual daily gym/library/music/email
         and weekly kaiser/dogwalking
         and monthly free food

tomorrow:
my cousin Erin's baby daughter is due. 
and i might get a haircut, myself.

update

my life lately

going to beach blanket babylon tomorrow, in sf
(with mom and dad, dinner after)
did a bunch of origami, but not the crane yet.
(the box, a boat, pelican, piano, hat, pigeon, house)
bought a slice of vegetarian pizza from Papa John's today
bought gnc protein powder (chocolate wheybolic ripped)
spent $61 at target (with xmas gift cards)
i have a cold.  slept in.  therefore, didn't do:
gardening this morning at MSJ.   or the gym.  or 10m daily run.
listening to itunes as i type this (kalx, wprb, wmbr, whrb, mostly)
did troubleshooting for the blog
    (an annoying cgi-bin/redirect.ha problem)
    (it works now, :-)
skimmed the ny times at the library
read about buddhism on wikipedia (a lot more awaits)
and surfing my new encyclopaedia britannica disk
(my computer won't eject it!!i rarely use the drive, not a problem (yet)
reading Vonnegut's Mother Night
discovered a cool website: phrontistery.info (for word lovers)
bought a lotto ticket for tonight's superlotto plus
(didn't win, entered 2nd chance)
$- planning on joining WAG (dogwalking app) soon
surveys, taskrabbit, cal psychology ESI* lab study
maybe i'll do a bit of okcupid dating
will help mom with gardening, weather permitting
and i really want Bernie Sanders to win
*emotion and social interaction

Problems and Solutions

An (almost) Comprehensive List!

suffering, discontent
                - Buddhism (mindfulness meditation; result: equanimity)*
                -yoga (a hare krishna i met called it the "path to god")
                 -humor, laughter (making yourself and others happy)

crime, sin - law and order, justice; repentance, forgiveness
(e.g. 7 deadly sins: pride, avarice, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth)

unhealth, mental/physical illness
                   -diet, exercise, hospital, meds, time/healing
                   -balanced diet, food groups; variety
                   -vegetarian, fruits and vegetables, of different colors
                    (quality, quantity: not too much, not too little, healthy)
                   -stay hydrated, 7 glasses of water/day
                   -medication/medicine/drugs/pharmaceuticals
                    (self-medicated, and/or doctor prescribed)
                   -fish oil (omega 3), vitamin c
                   -well as we'll: togetherness, community, being social
                    (example, the pope)
                   -mental health: group/cbt (cognitive behavioral therapy)
                   -depression/anxiety:
                          -shower, swim, walk, talk, shop, eat, nap/sleep
                   -enough sleep
                   -cleanliness, hygiene (brush, floss, rinse)
                   -look good, feel good
                   -spiritual life: friends, family, love, nature, comfort, security
                   -moderation
                   -fitness: walk, exercise, fresh air, movement, dance,
                     sports participation, gym, swim, lift, bike

supply meeting demand -logistics              
poverty -employment, money
basic needs- charity, gvt/taxation
insecurity- self-defense/martial arts, military/police, home-security
war- diplomacy (or victory)

ignorance- curiosity, education, discipline, reading,
                    research, teaching, writing
                 -computers/tablets/smartphones: internet
                    (e.g. google, wikipedia, open yale courses, etc.)
                 -library/librarians
                     (books, magazines, newspapers, audio cd's, video dvd's)
                 -enlightenment (mindfulness, reflection, discernment)
                 -"knowing" (in the biblical sense)
                 -science

boredom- art/creativity, blog, exercise, sports, family, books, magazines, newspapers, internet, music, movies, travel, games, tv

tired-nap, sleep; hungry-eat! thirsty- drink.
horny -! (sex? masturbate? extinguish desire?)

behavior, morality, ethics- incentives, inducements,
           carrots and sticks, rewards and punishments

Bjorn Lomborg (his Ted talk on his book, Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems)
solution: read my book report, on this blog! SWBP (link on sidebar, on right, under "SAVE THE WORLD") (again, that's Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems, which I bought, read, have, and wrote about)

Love is the main solution
followed closely by Nature, Money, and Humor
(I listen to a lot more Music than comedy, though, myself)

*about Buddhism:
(extinguish the buddhist "poisons": greed, hatred, delusion)
(what is different about a buddhist vacuum cleaner? no attachments)
(attachments, negative and positive:  craving and aversion*)
 *(attachment/clinging/lust/desire/greed/need/want/craving/
  aversion/anger/hatred/rage)

Teshara

What's in a name?
A list of wikipedia articles answering (some of) what's in my (last) name:

T (cross)
Te (also a priest, formerly at St. Stephen's parish in SF) (2,5, like 'Jesus' 'Christ', in numerology)(and Theistic Evolution)
Tes (8, like 'God')
Tesh (John is my confirmation name)
Tesha (laughter is therapeutic)(jesus as comedian?!)
(no teshar) (but there is a 'tessera')
(no teshara) (but there is a teixeira (my great-grandfather's name was changed from this at Ellis island)

and backwards:
Et (phone home!)
Set (son of adam and eve, and an egyptian deity)
H-set (also, all the words beginning with h? and, my high school's hallways)
(eg, heaven, hell, his holiness, hatred, happiness, harvard, honda, hollow, hospital, healthy)
(hset is a burmese name)
(no ahset) (but there is AH (islamic calendar)
(also anthony hopkins, anthony harris, adolf hitler, alfred hitchcock, anne heche, etc)
(no 'rahset') (but there is a 'rah', god of mu (!); mooo says the holy cow)
(no arahset) (but there is the arabian satellite, arabsat)

A (Teshara is like 'to share A', e.g. my dad is a school administrator)
Ra (arabic for ten!, and another egyptian deity)
Ara (latin for altar)
Hara (early name for Shiva)
Shara (minor sumerian god of war)
Eshara (ishara, goddess of oath, from syria)

Ar (such as animal rights)
Arah (gi joe!) (also, 'arahant', an enlightened buddhist)(and 'arahura', a divine canoe)
(no 'arahs')
(no 'arahse') (but 'arroz' is rice, in spanish)

esh (a latin letter, same as the integral sign, in maths)
(no 'esha' wiki page (yet), but a bunch of people have the name)
(eshar, no page, but a word, in proto indo-european, something to do with blood)
sha (a cyrillic letter, literally the same as esh! (another name for)
shar ('east,' in Tibetan)
sh (back in the day, SH (sacred heart) was the rival of SI;
interestingly, also stand for self-harm, and self-injury)
ha (ancient egyptian god of the desert to their west)
(also, east african people and their language (cool, eh?); as well as hell's angels)
es (another cyrillic letter; and a manga (Eternal Sabbath)

and, of course, anagrams!
some of the embedded words are:
as, at, sat, re-, has, ash, he, haters, earths, hearts, aha, rest, erst, hare, hear, rhea, share, hears, shear, hares, era, ear, eta, stare, shat, hast, aster, sera, tares, rates, sea, hart, eats, ate rash, rats, star, tsar, art, tar, as at her, the sara, et sarah, tears eh, ares, hats, arehats.

aster is a plant (aster -risk? toxicity class 4 -skin rash, irritation)
sera is plural of serum
erst is formerly, before the present time
rhea is the ramie plant or fiber
eta is the 7th letter of the greek alphabet (and an initialism for estimated time of arrival)
era is equal rights amendment, too
Ares is an ancient greek god of war
AR can be annette riddle, as well as alternate reality, all right?

'ate rash' reminds me of a gross corn flakes joke
(punchline: scab collection) (to go with the blood pie reference)

wordles reveals other words-in-words:
areas, haste, resh, rathe, reata, rase, sate, seta, trash, teas

resh is the 20th letter of hebrew
rathe is growing, ripening, or blooming early in the year or season
reata is another spelling of riata, which is a lariat
rase is another spelling of raze, which is to tear down, demolish, level to the ground
seta is a stiff hair or bristle

Also, there's:
Ishtar (goddess of love, fertility, war, and sex)
Ashura (arabic for tenth)
Ashur (mesopotamian deity, head of pantheon)
Asura (hindu powerful superhuman demigods)
Asura (the lowest rank of buddhist deities/demigods) (also, a Soul Eater character)
Ahura (a class of zoroastrian angelic divinities) (just add S and T (st.!)
Avalokitesvara (buddhist bodhisattva, representing/embodying compassion)
(substitutes v for h) (means "lord who looks down")
Shura (arabic for "consultation," used in Quran)
(e.g. Surat ash-Shura, 42nd sura of the Quran -with 53 ayat)
(also, japanese term for one of 6 realms of reincarnation)
and
Teshie is "one of the biggest towns in Ghana"
Teshaya is/was a native american settlement in monterey county, california
Tesse is a lake in Norway (about 4 hrs from Hell)
Sharavati is a river in India
Al-Asharah is a town in eastern Syria, on the Euphrates
and
Teshenawa is an extinct Nigerian language
Sharabha is a creature in Hindu mythology, parts lion/bird/human
Sharia is Islamic law, the pathway to be followed, the divine and infallible law of God (!) (Shiite provides the 'te')
Tassajara is a zen buddhist retreat in california
Tejava's logo (iced tea) looks like my signature (v is similar to r)

aside:
words looks like it could be pronounced wards, with wor or war
letters has let in it (as in blood-letting)
meaning has mean in it (and nin- such as nine inch nails)

What to Do?

Don't Let Anybody Tell You

what to do, what to do-
 I heard a song on kalx today that said, "Don't let anybody tell you what to do"

but that, itself, is an injunction!
and, of course, the law tells you what not to do.

so, do whatever you want, including whatever anybody else wants, but only if it's legal!!

'todo', btw, means 'all' in spanish
do it all, know-it-all!

A Part of Something Bigger

You are God, and So is Reality

(you are your own reality, but reality is not just you)
does that make sense?

it's like light being a particle and a wave: both are true.

Other people are not you, unless you're the body of christ, or the body politic, or 'as earth'
(for example, or whatever)

cause or reflection?
but, even then, it's debatable whether you are the cause of the larger entity, or just reflect it.
(or maybe both)
on reflection, I think we're all both

anyway,
I was thinking about Bill Gates recently.
Numerology (mine, anyway): God=8.  Satan=10
and
Bill H Gates is 8888, and his birthday is 10/28/1955 (which is 10-10-10-10!)
pretty cool, eh?

J is the 10th letter
wwjd
jesse, jesus, satan..
john jacob jingleheimer... (that's my name, too) ha

allah, all a H, all a god
10: I and O, input and output, information overload
also, binary, ones and zeros.
10 fingers, digital
fin, the end  (gr)
i-o, i-o, it's off to work i go!

also,
Today, Presidents' Day, I finished reading Bernie Sanders' book, Outsider in the White House (good stuff!) Go Bernie!  I worked out at the gym, and at home too, and feel really good.  I weigh 210.
On a related note, I checked out a book from the library with 2,100 yoga asanas (poses/positions).
Yesterday, I had dinner at my folks' in SF, played with Ben, and my bro gave me a suit.
Tomorrow I go to San Leandro, and Wed thru Fri it's supposed to rain! yes.

My Credo

Religion

What do I believe? Who do I believe (in)? And, of course, why? Has it changed?

Where and when...am I a product of my place and time, and the people in my life and past?

Or, alternatively, are my beliefs a result of detached purely philosophical speculation?

In college, I took a theology class, which included a Credo: On God, Human Nature, and Morality.

And finally, are these beliefs merely personal, or do I claim universality, catholicity, their truth for All?

I believe:

1. God is a muddy concept, and needs clarification, if the term is to be used meaningfully. If God is always and everywhere, omnipresent, then He is everything, reality, the universe, the All-
2. then you are a part of Him/Her/It. God is One: A corporation, including everyone/everything.
   People are animals and things, and bodies, not souls, and share Godhood with paperclips and persimmons and pelicans. Always means infinite, in both directions of the timeline, past and future. Always was, always is, and always will be, in the eternal now. Spacetime.
3. God is also defined and described as alpha and omega, beginning and end, birth and death, from conception to decayed, disintegrated dust; creation by your parents/sex to destruction by time/cellular replication. This also includes evolution, from the start of humanity to its potential, possible extinction. From the big bang to all possible futures, including a deep future when all the stars finally go dark.
4. God is good, and God is love, and God is light. But also bad, hate, and darkness. You can't say God is everywhere and deny his presence in any category or sphere or location, even hell and sin and pain and suffering and disease and death and destruction. God is in the devil, too, if you believe in an entity who is the adversary of everything, including himself (!) You could also say the devil is in God. If God is everywhere, the devil is God, too. In the sentient, maybe life is All-in-all. I believe everyone is equal, everyone is their own God, the primary architect of each one's own happiness. Maybe matter itself is conscious. Matter is energy, and energy a form of matter, and light a form of energy, as well as a form of consciousness (like dreams). Mind is bigger than each individual brain, and humans share thoughts telepathically, both day and night. Humanity is a collective, within Animalia, within Earth, within the Universe. There is only one universe, although each mind can be considered a universe unto itself (thus, reality as a multiverse).

Reflect on this, young grasshopper.