What's Wrong

things to work on

money: poverty, unemployment, inequality, underemployment, recession, depression, debt, deficit, inflation, stagnation, greed, corruption

health: hunger, malnutrition, famine, starvation; obesity, smoking, disease, clean water, sanitation

education: ignorance, illiteracy, innumeracy

psych: anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury, spite, malice, revenge
pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish, resentment
craving, aversion, attachments, delusion
cruelty, torture, war, terrorism, violence
death, old age, breakup, divorce
mental illness, suicide
alienation, isolation
bullying, neglect, abuse
discontent, nausea, crime, sin
lying, distrust
abortion, meat, capital punishment, nukes
murder, homicide, killing, assassination
tyranny, despotism, authoritarianism, absolutism
sociopathic, psychopathic, amoral
wrong, immoral, bad, unethical, illegal, criminal, unlawful

as for buddhism,
you're supposed to have aversion to aversion, which is tautological.

congratulations, Barack.
Good luck, and may the force be with you in your second term in office.

later thought- old age is natural, not wrong, and actually right, hopefully.
as is death (if it's not unnatural or premature)

Free Online Education

some links

www.edx.org

http://oyc.yale.edu

http://webcast.berkeley.edu

www.ocwconsortium.org

www.coursera.org

www.ted.com

www.j-archive.com

Looking for a room

Contact me if you want me for a roommate!

I'm looking for a Room, Share, or Studio in the Bay Area (SF, or East Bay-Berkeley, Oakland)
-for $650 or less-

I am a 41 y.o. male, who is quiet (I use headphones for tv/computer/music), friendly, respectful, neat, clean, responsible,  and usually out (my daily routine includes exercise at the Y, and going to the public library).  I will not have pets.  I have never been evicted, my credit should be perfect (I have never been in debt), and I don't smoke or use drugs (besides my meds).  I'm actually a bit of a bookworm - I aspire to read a new book every day.  I have family in the Bay Area, and love the people and weather here.  And the resources, too (like libraries, food, university, museums, etc).  I don't have a car, and won't need a parking space -I ride bike and bart everywhere.  My email is jessteshara@yahoo.com.

Please contact me if you can help! Thanks -Jess
UPDATE: I HAVE A PLACE NOW :-)
so nevermind. 

insanity quotes

un poco loco

1) When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained -Mark Twain

2)We are all born mad.  Some remain so. -Samuel Beckett

3)There is no great genius without some touch of madness -Seneca

4) Sanity is very rare -Emerson

5) Sanity is madness put to good uses -George Santayana

6)If you talk to God, you are praying.  If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -Thomas Szasz

The Cure for Depression

Depression may be the biggest killer of happiness on the planet.

Someone related this story to me today after a Shambhala Buddhist meditation group:

In response to a patient feeling depressed, the doctor prescribes the following remedy-
For the following 30 days:
1)Do one thing kind for yourself each day
2)Do one thing kind for someone you know each day
3)Do one thing kind for a stranger each day

Get back to me in 30 days, and tell me how you are feeling.

It was said that number one may be the hardest to do...

Crazy -synonyms and expressions

Insane in the membrane, insane in the BRAIN!

MCI- mad, crazy, insane
mentally ill, schizophrenic, schizoaffective
psycho, psychotic, psychopathic
screwy, screwball, screw loose, sick, sick in the head, schizo
scatterbrained, space cadet
loco, loony, lunatic, lost her mind, lost his marbles
batty, barmy, balmy, buggy, bugged out, brainsick, berserk
bananas, bedlamite, blue devils,bonkers
bats in the belfry, toys in the attic
unhinged, unzipped, of unsound mind
not all there, not right, nuts, nutty as a fruitcake, non compos mentis
off one's rocker, off one's head , off one's trolley, overdrawn
out of one's mind, out of one's tree, out to lunch, off one's nut
mad as a march hare, mad as a hatter
mental, mentally unbalanced, moonstruck, manic, maniac, meshugga
witless, wacky, weird, wacko, whacked out
demented, disturbed, deranged, delirious, dotty, daft, dippy
potty, paranoid, pixillated
incoherent, irrational, in a fog, in a haze
twisted, touched, tetched
headcase, haywire
gonzo, gomer
kooky, cuckoo, crazed, cracked, crackpot, certifiable
raving, raging, round the bend
zany

if you're any of the above, maybe you need to be taking:
drugs, medications, medicines, pharmaceuticals

and maybe the world, to you, is best explained by:
-the collective unconscious
-other "planes" of consciousness
-telepathy
-a matrix
-aliens
-holographic universe

or, if you're oldschool:
-spirits, ghosts
-God/god, angels
-devil, demons

the latest

I am both angry and serene

Angry,
because my ex-"wife" is:
-taking practically all my money to pay bills, including
her debt, a new computer, a smart phone, and cigarrettes (while unemployed),
-loudly f-ing her new boyfriend in the next room
-getting in my face to see what's wrong, as if she doesn't know
-and finally, I'm mad at myself for being stupid enough to spend over 6 years of my life with this woman who:
1)only had sex with me like 5 times total, since we exchanged rings
(rings I might add that have proven to be worthless for resale,
 which I suppose perfectly sums up why her jewelry business went bankrupt)
2)cheated on me with at least 3 people, (Shaw, Paul, and some BDSM guy)
 and possibly more, while I stayed true
(truth, of course, is a whole other story)
while having the gall of her breaking up with me for not showing "emotional support"
whatever that is-
I asked her repeatedly what she meant and she never once told me.

argh.  gr.
anyway,

I'm also serene (some of the time, but hopefully progressively more as time goes on)
-because I'm happy it's over, as well (good riddance)
-I've resumed buddhist meditation,
which helps extinguish suffering through mindfulness meditation (peaceful abiding)
(they say, and I hope)
focusing on posture, breath, and just noting thoughts as they come and go,
still and quiet,
emphasizing compassion, kindness, and gentleness
as well as coming to a realization of what's making me unhappy:
namely, attachments and ignorance/delusion
attachments can be positive or negative, craving or aversion, greed or hatred...
and what makes me happy:
endorphins/exercise, library stimulus (e.g. music, blog, books, magazines, movies), and nature.
for starters.  I like smiles.  I need to learn to be "happy for no reason."

anyway, I'm looking in earnest for a new place now, so a change will be good.
move on, as they say.
and I'm going to the zoo with my aunt (just like a kid, but why not!)

Man of War

watch out!

bible quotes:
God is a man of war
Vengeance is mine sayeth the lord
The wages of sin is death
There is a time for all things under heaven: a time to kill

And yet,
Thou shalt not kill
Only God is good

(the doctrine of original sin)
-There is none righteous, no, not one (romans 3:10)
-For there is not a just man upon earth, that does good, and does not sin (Ecclesiastes 7:20)
-For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)
-For there is no man that sins not.. (1Kings8:46)

So how, then, can I be God?
Maybe I'm not. 
I submit to you I'm better than God.
I don't kill people.

Why is virtue part of the word 'virtual'?
Is it because sin is virtual?
Without God, there is no sin (but there is, of course, law)
'EL' is a word for God...
"Sin is virtue, el"
that kind of turns things on it's head
make of this what you will

Where I've Been

Out n' About

To and Fro
Hither and Yon
Here and There
Up and Down
Right and Left
There and Back
and, of course, In Between

I'm currently in Berkeley, California,
United States, Planet Earth,
Solar System, Milky Way galaxy,
The Universe. Infinity.

a thought
Jesus is worse than Hitler?
Hitler was responsible for the death of 6M Jews
(although he himself may not have actually killed anyone)

while

Jesus said he was, in addition to being "the alpha",
I am the Omega (which is presumably the death of everyone)

Shaw

SHAW: be Safe, Happy, and Well.

ILL- I lean left
(says the christian science monitor online survey I answered)

why I'm voting Barack:
-I take issue with increasing the defense budget by 2 Trillion dollars.
-I believe Barack holds the interests of the poor, both nationally and globally, more to heart.
-I like Obamacare
-I like Obama
-Mormonism is weird
-I am republican-averse, with their dirty coal and drill baby drill and nra support for assault weapons; I see God in Nature (not in fighting more wars), and, as Barack says, I don't want to "double-down" on the failed policies of Dubya.  In fact, I actually think W. Bush should be arrested (but that's beside the point).
-I go beyond obamacare- believe in universal health care; I think it ought to be a human right.

although
-Obama does seem tired (maybe anybody in his position would be -he's juggling a lot)
-He said he learned you can't change Washington from the inside
(which negates his previous platform of 'change')
-I'm pro-life

I want to give B.O. (and Michelle) a chance- they inherited a bad scene, and I like the idea of a former community organizer as president (reminiscent of the movie Dave), over a wallstreet millionaire (although it's possible that could be a good thing).

Who God Roots For

Honestly, God couldn't care less

BUT
if words are to be taken literally-

In sports, the offense is, well, offensive
(so God roots for Defense)

while, in politics, the Left is not Right,
while the Right is always, well, right (!)
(so God is conservative)

Plus, there's this meme going around that Satanism is the "left-hand path",
while the Godly are "righteous"
and
(in latin?)
left is sinister, while right is dexter (as in dexterity, dextrous)
L or D (life/love or death)(light or darkness)

On the other hand (lol)-
leftovers
-what's left of them-
can be eaten with Jesus "who is seated at the right hand of the father"
(the poor guy never gets up to stretch or walk around?)

what to make of all this?
You're guess is as good as mind.
Are you right-brained or left-brain dominant?
Does it matter?  Like a Catholic "mass"?

GLEE: God Loves Everybody Equally

Presidential rock/meat

The non-human element

Barack sounds like 'Be a rock'
(and he did run for president partly to  be like a 'rock star')
while
Romney sounds like 'Raw Meat'
(which brings new meaning to 'eating right')

I also learned that Wavy Gravy's real name is Hugh Romney.
Are they related?
And does Wavy still support Nobody for president?

Christ ends in T

poor guy

He's dead; if he died on the cross then he didn't rise again, because
once you die, you're dead, kaput, that's it, all she wrote.
And he will never return, either, because you only live once.
Nobody escapes oblivion.  To dust you shall return.

If anybody "comes again in glory to judge the living and the dead,"
it would be somebody like me, a new God, one deity among many,
and just another person like anybody else, created equal.

And I don't believe in souls or ghosts, so there will be no ethereal presences lurking around us, pushing pennies on doors, being captured as invisible whisps on camera, or otherwise surviving our deaths, and bringing us to some new world, better or worse than the one we're in (no matter how hard you pray for it).

From alpha to omega, we each have a personal moment of conception and time of death, which is much more relevant than worrying about when the mitochondrial eve existed in Africa, or when/if humanity goes extinct, for whatever reason at whatever date in the future.  If you think Jesus is controlling history, down to the level of your personal fate, I'm sorry to report that you are deluded, if not irrational, because Jesus is now only the name of some guys from Mexico (pronounced heyzeus), and nobody is controlling humanity from an afterlife.  Perhaps our dna will survive millions of years, and humanity will evolve into new forms, which is interesting to think about, since science is equipping us with greater genetic control, in addition to robots with artificial intelligence, and maybe we will colonize places like the moon, mars, or even exoplanets.  

So anyway, you're home eucharistic menu might include:
a cup of tea, unless it makes you "cross"
cheeses of nazareth
seitan
communion wafer (cum union waif-r, whatever that might be).
blood of christ (be lewd of chris-ty)

food (6664)
what's eating you?
eat up, chow down, on your te-bull

Eucharist

An idea for a more modern holy communion

Different varieties of Swiss Cheese from Israel

why?
swiss is the holiest
and
Cheeses of Nazareth!

yuk yuk yuk. 
why not?
You can eat seitan

and
There's Papa John's and Papa Murphy's
(Father John Murphy, S.J. was one of my highschool english teachers)
Holy Pizza, batman! 
I like garlic sauce with chicken, artichoke and uncooked tomatoes
yum

says Jesse,
whose name means "the whole office of the eucharist"
as well as "god makes forget"
fuggedaboutit

Heart

Anagrams, Things I enjoy, and Feelings

Heart anagrams:
Earth, Hater (which is interesting because the heart symbolizes love),
Herat (a city in Afghanistan)
Art, eh? and The AR (the initials of Annette Riddle, my birthmother)
H rate, H tear

(8) Things I enjoy  (H is the 8th letter)
1) books
2) my blog
3) music
4) movies, esp. documentaries, animation, nature shows
5) food, esp. sushi, thai, chinese, mexican, pizza, and sweets
6) dreams
7) my dogs, Oliver and Marcel
8) endorphins

Feelings:
-the "ads": sad, mad, glad*
-the state of being "just there", empty mind, doing nothing, simply existing, passing time
-a peaceful state (the same thing, but happier, such as sitting in the sun, or in a forest glade, etc.)

*madness, in the sense of MCI (mad crazy insane),
i.e. mentally ill or schizophrenic
is different
from being mad in the sense of angry, frustrated, upset, resentful.

should Insane be considered different form Un-sane?

heart related stuff: flow (the "flow state", such as being engrossed in reading/lost in a book, is a happy state).   The word flowers has flow in it.  Rappers spit a flow.  The heart beats, thump-thump, systole-diastole, which is the basis for most music.   There's a record store in Sacramento called The Beat.  And a band, too, formerly called the English Beat (of mirror in the bathroom fame).  Pump up the jam, pump it up, pump it, pump it.  The heart pumps blood, blood.  The heart symbol (as opposed to the actual organ), is comprised of a V and a 3 (or a less than sign and a 3).

various observations:
-Nature sums to 7, like heart/earth, and has 4 of heart's 5 letters in it.
-Nature is green, or red in tooth and claw.
-Gr (hater) and Gr e'en (earth/nature), and yellow (yell ow : heart without vowels is hrt)
-I was given a tour of Berkeley, when shopping for colleges,
by Gary Hart's press secretary, Kevin Sweeney.

Amazing Statistics re: Global Inequality

From online (world inequality), and the NYX (U.S. inequality)

5 stats from  http://www.fightpoverty.mmbrico.com/poverty/facts.html

Dealing with the world as a whole:
1)Half the world, around 3B people, live on less than $2 a day. (that's $730/year or less)
1.3B of those people live on less than $1 a day (that's $365/year or less).

2)The GDP of the 48 poorest nations is less than the top 3 richest people.
(Carlos Slim, the richest, has $69B)
(Bill Gates, #2, has $66B)
(Warren Buffett, third, $44B)
The population of the 48 poorest nations (link) is ?
(less than half of 1.7B people, the projected 2050 pop.)
The world population is 6.9B people. 
So, about 12% of the entire world population, in aggregate,
has as much as the mere top 3 people.
(if the stats are correct, but they're drawn from different years)
-Question: How many of the poorest make Carlos Slim's $69B?
I calculate about 319.1M people.

math
12% of 6.9B is 828Mpeople
69 divided by 69+66+44
69 divided by 179= 38.54% of 828M=319.1M people

3)The 200 richest people made $1T (in '99),
while the 43 least developed countries (LDC's), i.e. 582M people,
only made $146B
 
The top 10 richest people have $405.1B (as of March '11):
ranks 4 thru 10:
fourth, Bernard Arnault, $41B
fifth, Lawrence Ellison, $39.5B
sixth, Lakshmi Mittal, $31.1B
seventh, Amancio Ortega, $31B
eighth, Eike Batista, $30B
ninth, Mukesh Ambani, $27B
tenth, Christy Walton, $26.5B

4)A few hundred millionaires= 2.5B of the world's poorest people.

5)497 billionaires = $1.54T, which is more than the poorest half of humanity.
The GNP of all of sub-saharan africa was only $929.3B
The population of sub-saharan africa ('11) was 874,841,049 (874.8M)

The website I started with is dated '06, so I suspect some of the data has changed.

The world economy in 2011 had a total product of $78.94T
The world population, Sept. 2012, is 6,928,198,253 people (rounded to 6.9B)
Forbes data, via wikipedia, says there were 1,210 billionaires as of March '11.

And from an Opinion in the NY Times, 10-4-12, by Nicholas D. Kristof:
1) American inequality is so stark that the Top 1%
has more money than the bottom 90% -the Economic Policy Inst. in Washington

2)The 6 heirs of Sam Walton has as much money as 100M americans

and from the Economist:
3)"In the USA, the top 0.01% (about 16 thousand families) have almost 5% of the income."

And to put this in perspective:
-The U.S. National Debt is 16T dollars (T as in trillion)

-"LIBOR determines rates in $300T (yes, you read correctly, 300 trillion) worth of derivatives contracts and other financial instruments"

What I'm Worth

some budgetary calculus

-I get 876 a month in social security/disability
-My meds are about 22 per day

(876x12)+(22x365) =$18,542 per year
10,512 + 8,030

aside: It is interesting to note that I am at about the average global per capita income.
The world GDP (PPP) per capita, in international dollars, is $10,700
GDP stands for gross domestic product
PPP stands for purchasing power parity.

Right now, I have about 5 bucks in my bank account.
But I have zero debt.
Unlike, say, over 70% of American families.
So I'm not doing too bad :-)

Cleanliness

is next to Godliness

(at the right hand of the Father?)

suicide bomber satire

A story of an atheist S-B killing agnostics

link

Test of progress

a quote from FDR

"The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have little."

some thoughts on God

random scribblings

kwuteo: knowledge, wisdom, understanding, truth, enlightenment, omniscience
clu: compassion, love, understanding

aside: what's overstanding?

empathy, sympathy
ethos, pathos, bathos
sexus, nexus, plexus, lexus
nature, development, truth, power, imagination

omni-potent, scient, present
love yourself
kind, caring, compassionate, loving, benevolent
joy, contentment
peace, relaxation, bliss, nirvana
Love, HP (higher power)
be right with ourselves, others, and God
Increase the peace!
Be good, reduce suffering, increase happiness
life, health, love, happiness, comfort, prosperity
food, friends, family
community, country

saw: stress, anxiety, worry
anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury
pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish, resentment

poverty, inequality, famine, starvation, hunger, malnutrition
illiteracy, innumeracy, ignorance
crime, corruption
disease, sanitation

centered, grounded
driven, purposeful
calm, tranquil
free

vs. in jail, prison
enslaved

spectrum
healthy, psychotic
well, ill
normal, schizo
negative, positive (-,+)
(what's so negative about subtraction? take it away, band!)
hope, despair

dream, reality
God is an atheist if he doesn't believe in himself

entertaining trivia:
Pope Boniface VIII asserted in 1302 that a belief in the sovereignty of the pope over everyone was necessary for salvation.

chinese zodiac

About me, a boar/pig

Noble and chivalrous
I will have lifelong friends
yet prone to marital strife
avoid other boars, ('47,'59,'71,'83,'95,'07)
seek rabbit or sheep

rabbit:'63,'75,'87
sheep: '67,'79,'91

this thing smacks of bestiality, but I'm not chinese

Happy!

an old list I found

smile, good company, interesting conversation, good food, comfort
joy, bliss, nirvana
others' smiles, happy eyes
acceptance
positive frame of mind
love
dancing, exercise, endorphins, heart rate, sweat
looking good, feeling good
satisfied, well being
feeling strong
good books, movies
finding something lost
finding a bargain
friends
blog feedback
achievement
sex, intimacy, flirting
creativity
travel
beauty
Nature
truth
something well-written
sanity, feeling sane, mental silence, no pain or shocks
health, wellness, fitness, strength
physical prowess- gymnastics, juggling, martial arts, dance
happy dogs
sushi
rollercoasters
"trippy" experience
swimming
sunbathing on a beach
concerts
galleries
art books
presents
money
taking pictures
nudity
fast cars, convertibles, weird cars
family
vivid dreams
Camp Royaneh
white water rafting
hugs and kisses
massage
kids
libraries
snowmen
fireplaces
learning something new
knowing the answer
teaching someone
making a difference
mad magazine
the internet
freedom
cooking well
a good think

what i believe

Be good, Do good, and Don't do evil

do good, but survive (unlike Jesus)
purity is ideal, but it is enough to simply just not be bad

Evil
S&M, uncle Sam
spite: petty ill-will or hatred, with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart
malice: desire to see another suffer

DEmon
death, disease, disaster, destruction, decay, depression

pain agony suffering torment, you are PAST
misery and depression, you are MAD

psychia-tryst, the- rapist
schadenfreude

fascist america
there is no privacy, your thoughts are processed, your teeth click, your body pains, your head shocks, your fingers tap, you are not your own..
you are possessed, controlled, monitored, manipulated, restrained, limited, enslaved.

symptoms: headshocks, chest pains, voice, finger/teeth tapping
the mind control, the everyday chilling effect,
the inability to think/say/do

wanting to end it all (either literally, or just me)
consumed with annoyance
in my own tormented, soulless, evil, painful, place
hating, hating, hating
there are no souls

clouds
clouds of opaque whispers
either soitary, or in formation
forming forms for the formal
dissolving into nothingness
like us

rain
hovering in mysterious hold
lakes of suspended water float above
and, when sad, or bladder-full,
release
droplets drip from drooping leaf-stalks
splashing and splattering, below
collecting and flowing
always downhill
penetrating, searching, soaking, absorbing, puddling
rivulets become streams becoming creeks becoming rivers
washing all
becoming ocean, anonymous, in the Vast

to be Misunderstood
is to be great
said the misunderstanding
unless IS flows in both directions
as a rule of law
like gravity pulls
or pain hurts

life is fog, haze, unheard words
spilled syllables, splashing into unintended shapes
lyrics of subliminal confusion
heap intrusion during sleep,
in the daily nap of everyday life
if only I heard the words
if only I remembered the units of thought
of phrase, of speech, of life,
if only I became human, awake, alive-
z is for zombie
catch some

life, footprints in the sand
libaries full of footprints
attempts at immortality
before being washed away

Yummy Religion

Satan and Jesus, or Seitan and Cheeses?

I have to admit I didn't think of this - I got it from a Kalx deejay (Sex 14s), but it's clever, no?

What is seitan? link
We all know about the frommage (french for cheese).

from mage?

some weirdness:
I know a Brandi, a Hennessy
a French and a Fries
an Edom and a Brie

Here's a (kind of sort of maybeish) magical thought -
we all really are at the center of the universe.
because the Big U goes on forever, so why not locate yourself in the middle, right?

Religion is yummy.
I'm gonna read both Encyclopedias of Religion at the Berkeley central public library.

I had an English teacher in high school named Father John Murphy, S.J.:
Papa John and Papa Murphy's!

I know a Kat and a Duv, too. And a Nat.
And a Starr and Starfire.
And a Ellen, Helen, and Lenore...
It kind of makes me think my life has been scripted.

A selection of (internal) voices from a schizophrenic/telepath

The shit I hear ad nauseum

forget it. I'm not going to do it. I hate my voices. Intrusions.
FU, David.
I don't really want to do this.
They make me sick. Literally.

doctors always ask though.
I always describe them as being like koans, being interpretable in multiple ways-
So here's a sampling, so I don't have to repeat myself:

ow
ow, Jesse
I'm scared
David is crying
David sick of you
David swallow
David crying Jess
I'm sorry Jesse
I'm getting it Jess
I'm wall to you
David killing himself Jesse
David terminating insane
I can't deal
I can't
David is sick Jesse
David screaming
Allright Jesse
I hate myself all wall to you
I'm crying
I'm going to hell okay?
I'm terminate Jesse
David is dead
I hate you Jesse
I hate my sel
I'm creeping in sor
I've had enough
David is dead Jesse
David is crying at wahr
I'm sorry I'm a jinn to you
I need him
I'm sorry
I can't breathe
I can't breathe Jesse
with that, I have a problem
mmmm
David disturbed
I can't take my life Jesse
I'm freaking out
Alright Jesse I'm scare
I'm scared
David is insane
I'm going Jesse
I want him porcelain next to you
uh
I can't take... my name
David is going insane
Jesus
I'm sick Jesse
David is insane Jesse
you're the devil
It's going to be a long summer
David crying Jesse
David is sorry
David is sorry Jesse
You know what Jesse fine
I'm scared of you Jesse
that's all Jesse
It
It, Jesse

And I keep saying shut up, stfu, sun, suf, leave me alone, stop talking to me, f- you -expletive-, etc.

I'm dying
I'm dying Jess
David screaming in pain
She hates you
Alright, I'm freaking mad Jesse
David sad

f- you
I'm doom Jesse
I can't believe you
I'm a (k)night (k)no(w)
I want you to gym him ok
I can't take it
I fucking can't take it
I want him pizza

people are dead Jesse
the world is dead Jesse
he knows it's a game
alright jesse they have a big dumb
they freaking jewish you

y'know what, fine
I don't know you
I'm screaming insane, Jesse
I'm hating
I'm freak
I'm vomit
jesse believe me when I say you are a sky high
i'm insanely scar by your star
that's it
I am demon at your law
people are launching to 'like the pope'
I hate the zoo
I am going
I cannot handle mai lai everywhere
I am scar
we are tired of the scar at your star

there's a lot more he's said to me, that I have written down -and not-...
I have no idea why I hear this shit.
I keep saying Why? are you TALKing to me?? n-word. you f-ing a-hole, or you f-word

I also get headshocks and chestpains, related to these voices and how I respond to them.

schizophrenia is not fun. (although maybe it could be)
I want silence. I want the voices to stop. I keep saying Stop hurting me. Stop fucking hurting me.
It's David who is sick, not me.
If he would only shut up, I would be well.

David Andrew Eldridge, my voice, is an attorney -a deputy attorney general for the state of california-, a mathematician, a chess player, a self-described "natural psychologist", an African-American, a homosexual, a genius I think, and a really incredibly annoying presence in my mind that just won't go away. Now he's just somebody that I used to know (at Davis, in college), and who I never want to talk to again, ever. I think he established the telepathic link through having me listen to a long period of static on his car radio. He also broke a piece of wood when I was in his room, which was really weird.

update 12-18-12, recent voices (a partial selection)
I'm freaking out
I'm going to hell
David is pa(in) muted)
with that, I'm a suffer
ow
alright Jesse
I'm sick as hell, alright?
David is not music to you
David is cry
I can't breathe
I hate my soul
Alright, again I'm trying to kill him
I swore
David is disaster
David in sin
I'm scream
I hate war
David is dead Jesse
I'm going dime
I hate myself, Jesse
I can't believe I'm cree
I'm rec (wreck?) to you
David sad jesse
David screaming deadly jesse
David at war
David is distress
David is dead
I could kill you
I'm sorry Jess
David is crying

I am completely insane
you are the weirdest individual i have ever met
david screaming
i'm entire jesse
i've got issues
i've got issues with law jesse
i'm a complete dick
alright I'm at war jesse
i've had enough, jesse
alright jesse i'm tormented by war
you're totaly broken jess
you're right jess
u r a document, jesse
you're dad is crazy jess
you're definitely seriously a candidate for antichrist
maybe a good one
i'm tired of 2
i'm sick of you
because you derive everything
you're a genius about power too
that is election you
she's crazy jess
you have a phd
i am deeply weepy
i hate myself

About Me

Some experiences, qualities, and characteristics
You want a piece of me?

I have seen my own face in my dreams, looking back at me
I have seen the night sky, indoors and with my eyes closed
I have looked in a mirror and seen someone else
I have looked at a glass-covered picture, and seen the figure of death, dancing superimposed.
I have had corporate dreams, with Disney content,
and another with store shelves filled with brightly-colored packaging.
I have been callled a dark agent and a vampire
I was voted 'most kind'
I have been homeless
I have been to jail, and Atascadero State Hospital
I have qualified for Mensa
I won an alumni scholarship to Cal
I have been a clerk at Walgreens...
I have been a bagger at Falletti's Finer Foods in SF, and Albertson's
I have been a bellboy at Hyatt SFO (Burlingame)
I have made pizza at Woodstock's (in Davis)
I have worked the deli counter at the Davis co-op
I have made burgers at the Davis graduate
I have been a security guard at the 1.98 clearance center
I have been a counselor at Camp Royaneh, a boy scout summer camp in Cazadero, Ca
I am an Eagle scout.
I won a Boston College book award, and a Journalism award.
I was the editor-in-chief of my high school yearbook.
I have been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder
I have been unemployed for almost a decade
I have lived in Berkeley, San Francisco, Sacramento, West Sacramento, Calistoga, Cobb, Roseville, Auburn, and Davis
I have been approached once in response to my thoughts, not my words
I wonder if I am a global telepath
I am a piece of work
I have converted many words to numbers
I have tripped many times...by NOT taking drugs
My natural brain chemistry results in telepathy, my link to 'the source' (?)
I have influenced the outcome of sporting events -as a spectator
I have feared the consequences of my thoughts in the universe
I have read all of the bible
I have claimed to be- if not been- God
I speak Spanish
I have travelled to China
I enjoy listening to foreign languages I don't understand, on the radio
I like all music
I have extended Freebird for minutes, in my head
I take medications nightly, olanzapine and risperidone (costing about 22 bucks/day)
I aspire to be a scholar-athlete and a renaissance man
I aspire to read a book a day
and do "daily maintenance", i.e. exercise daily
I am a member of the Y
I have experienced personal tragedy
I have been in lust and in love
I was an International Relations major in college,
with an emphasis in Third World Development studies.
I was raised Catholic,
but wrote a credo in college in which I became agnostic
I am adopted
I am pro-life
I enjoy a Buddhist meditation group
I am a flower-child ('71), and a member of generation X
My left ankle doesn't bend
My mind is often blank
I am a good listener
I am patient
The words ingest and excellent are personal
I am frugal
I enjoy life, and want to live forever!
I am heterosexual
I am a homo sapien
I like to know -people and things
I navigate the matrix
A psychiatrist said I am the kind of person who endures, who keeps on keeping on despite whatever obstacles life presents.
I can be hardcore in a rain storm
My dad says coiling hoses and replacing watch batteries remind him of me.
I aspire to read the New York Times daily,
and the Economist and the Christian Science Monitor, weekly
I ran hurdles in track in high school (with the student body president, and with a future Olympian athlete..)
Sarah Jessica Parker and Billy Idol's white wedding (hey little sister shotgun) are personal, too.
The Saab 9-3, and the Z71 indicate my birthday.
As Pink Floyd sang, there's someone in my head, but it's not me
which complicates Being John Malkovich
I am 'behind blue eyes' (referencing The Who)
I know (one of) the real Buffy
I dated a French and a Holland
I am a big brother
I have an uncle Tom
My mom is a Hennessy (like the cognac)
My dad drives a PT cruiser
My mom, PT, Peggy T, also evokes Egypt
Tennessee evokes Jesse
Jesse was a sitcom from '98-2000
Ellen, and Dave's world, were also parts of my world
The LT sticker (for Lake Tahoe) is also my dad's initials
Jesse, in spanish, is Chuy (pron. chewy), Isai (ees-ah-e), and Jesus (heyzeus)
My name means God makes forget, and something about the eucharist.
(see my blog post entitled 'oblation')
Teshara can be rearranged to 'the Sara'.
or 'as earth' or 'as heart' or 'as hater'
I am single

Food, Drink, Drugs -Stat!

some statistics regarding ingestion

from JesT
(but not in jest)

1) Food: 96 Billion pounds of food (roughly 40% of all food purchased) in America is thrown out, each year.

*worldwide, 1.5 Billion adults are overweight. By an extra 16.5 Million tons, collectively. A ton is 2000 lbs. 2000x 16,500,000=33B lbs. 33/1.5= by an average weight of 22 lbs/person.

*McDonald's is opening an all-vegetarian restaurant in India. Their McAloo Tikki burger costs 50 cents. I want to try one, too!

2)Drink: 2.5 Million people die every year in the world from misuse of alcohol. "It's the 3rd largest factor in the global burden of disease."

3) Drugs: 50 Thousand people (mexicans) are dead from the Mexican drugh war since 2006.

and an interesting calculation regarding Time:
A year contains 60seconds x 60minutes x24 hours x365days=31,536,000 seconds/year

x120 years: 3,784,320,000.
A (long) lifetime gives you only 3billion,784million,320thousand seconds.
Use them well! :-)

Number Bands

I can think of 7

It's my 41st birthday, today.
Which made me think of the band with 41 in it..
Which prompted me to think of:

Sum 41
7 Mary 3
Blink 182
Matchbox 20
U2
B52's
311

Happy labor day, too

Qatar (the country) began the exact day I was born, 9/3/71.
It's their Independence Day today.
(Of course, I actually began in December, I imagine)
My bro's birthday is Dec. 3. Which is kind of cool, in a way.

Labor day in 1971 was the 6th, so my birthmother wasn't actually in labor on labor day, that year. I was born on a Friday.

UN books

I'm on a UN-themed bender

I'm reading:
Calling the Shots, by Phyllis Bennis
Encyclopedia of the UN (4 volumes)
Surrender is Not an Option, by John Bolton
Great Debates at the UN, by Robert F. Gorman

and

Basic Documents in International Law, edited by Ian Brownlie
(I've discovered I kind of enjoy legalese (!))

I'm also reading a stack of csmonitors at Doe library.
It's my birthday, tomorrow. 41.

Satan and Hell

Bring on the pain

Satan is say, ten (4&6: forensics)
10 words: wrong, immoral, bad, unethical, illegal, criminal, unlawful, sin, evil, turpitude.

8 sideways is eternity
8 words: torture, cruelty, pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish

Hell is he will: he'll

war is hell
chess is war

sure as hell, hell exists (collect them all):
Arizona, California, Michigan,
Grand Cayman,
and a village in Norway (in Stjordal)

Wicked!

10 fingers: fin - grs
Tennessee: 10 -esse: Jesse
Tanasi (I, satan)
"God is One" -Deuteronomy 6:4
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.

wick-ed: burning learning
WIBU ICU WEST
This goes up to eleven! -spinal tap

Learning a foreign language

(using a well-stocked library)

I had this idea, last night:

To learn a foreign-language,
for free, and without an instructor-
you need a libary with 3 things:
(to learn spanish, for example)

1) a book in english

2) a translation of that book (into spanish),

and, for proper pronunciation,
3) a book-on-cassette (also in spanish)

I've never done this; it's just an idea...
The koran would be a good way to learn arabic, this way.
Most translated korans have the original arabic, alongside the english. I realize some languages work better than others for this. Finding a foreign language book AND the same book in a foreign language on cassette might be unlikely... you might get lucky, though - and you can always find and buy resources on the net.

The Summer Institute for Linguistics (SIL) Ethnologue Survey (1999) lists the following as the top languages by population:(number of native speakers in parentheses)
Chinese (937,132,000)
Spanish (332,000,000)
English (322,000,000)
Bengali (189,000,000)
Hindi/Urdu (182,000,000)
Arabic (174,950,000)
Portuguese (170,000,000)
Russian (170,000,000)
Japanese (125,000,000)
German (98,000,000)
French (79,572,000)

from (http://www2.ignatius.edu/faculty/turner/languages.htm)

Another good resource people don't usually consider is a foreign language dictionary. I don't mean, say an english to spanish/spanish to english dictionary; I mean a regular dictionary in the language you want to learn, with definitions, not synonyms.

I admit this might be a bit harebrained. It's probably only good as a supplement to traditional language-instruction methodology. If it uses the same alphabet you already know, you're better off than trying to figure out, say, chinese.

"Bad" Words

Ah, hell.
The same thing happened to me when I was in Boy Scouts
I list 18 of them at the end of this post.

I said "hell" at summer camp, and they made me promise not to say it publicly again.
Which I think is retarded.
Why the hell would you create hell just for saying the word hell?

I don't even believe in hell.
At least not in the sense of an eternal punishment after you die.
A benevolent God would never create such a thing.
Although he might create a FEAR of such a thing...
"Sure as hell", suffering exists.
Epecially for people with neuralgia.
Who are no worse people than anyone else, I believe..
So, in that sense, there is "hell on earth"
General Sherman, during the civil war, said "war is hell", and I believe him.
Also, there actually is a village named Hell, in Norway, I believe.

But hell shouldn't be a bad word.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"
Is the contraction of 'he will" as "he'll" similarly threatening?

So what are these patently offensive words?
I'll list them (what the hell), with credit going to George Carlin for his classic sketch "the 7 words you can't say on television" that I heard recently on online comedy radio.

I also believe it has literary merit, (especially for people learning english):

the (18) are, and I apologize for both the commissions and omissions:

shit, fuck, goddamn, dick, hell, cunt, ass, bitch,
piss, cocksucker, tits, fart, turd, twat, pussy, jism,
faggot, and (especially) nigger

what's the deal with Tourette's syndrome, anyway?

Did you know, actually, that the bible endorses "salty" language?
Colossians 4:6: Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.Colossians 4:5-7

I guess I'm sort of an expert on hell.
If the bible uses the word (at least 13 times), then why shouldn't I?

John 1:1-3:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
(notice how almost all the "bad" words have to do with genitals and sex. In the beginning was 'fuck', right?)

Simplifications

simplicity, simplified

1)survival and reproduction (how we are programmed, evolutionarily)

2)all we ever do is: Move stuff around (logistics)

3)the goal- chips:
health, comfort, in peace, sustainably

4)input: see, hear, smell, taste, touch
(read, watch, listen, eat, drink, sex)
output: work, play, write, talk, create, exercise,
perform (all the world's a stage)

this is all kind of obvious.
As Kurt Cobain sarcastically sang "forever in debt to your priceless advice"
I'm so vain, I probably think that song is about me.
Vanity of vanities, all is vanity (absurdity, frustration, futility, nonsense)

-props to Darwin, Shakespeare/Goffman, Nirvana, Carly Simon,
and the bible (Ecclesiastes, Omnia Vanitas)

and we Sleep, too. Some say Life is but a dream.
And if so, who's doing the dreaming?
do we dream up ourselves, our own lives, or
are we possessed, or do we "let go and let God" (or all three?)

maybe it's not so simple.

The Goal

Of Politics, Religion, and Life in General
(in a tiny soundbite)

Health, and Comfort
Sustainably, and in Peace.

that's it
reality, boiled down
couldn't be simpler
"chips"

God is imaginary?

http://www.godisimaginary.com/

Here's my response:

God is love
and
love believes all things (lol)

aside-
Maybe I'm imaginary, and a figment of my own imagination.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...
I'll be dead within 80 years, most likely.
I suppose the blog will outlive me.
But I doubt I will.

Art Therapy

today at Kaiser, we drew a representation of our good and bad traits

characteristics, qualities
Good, Positive, Keep:
1) Intelligence, Curiosity,
2) Kindness, Friendliness, Sociability
3) Happiness, Sense of Humor, Joy
-Strength and Motivation
(keep on keeping on, read all 1001 books)
-Positive Mental Attitude, Optimism, Hope
-Patience and Persistence
4) Fitness, Health, Endorphins
(I bike everywhere, I don't have a car, I go to the Y)
5) Writing ability, blog

Change, Negative, Drop:
1) Gut, belly, BMI -> (physical) Health
2) Symptoms (voice, headshocks, pain) -> (mental) Health
3) Girlfriend, Number of Friends, Solitariness ->"Get a life"
4) Stress (argh!) -> calm, tranquil, peace
5) Anger, Irritation ->Equanimity, endure things "like water off a duck's back"
(take things in stride)

definition of equanimity:
"mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium"

And, of course, the highest ideal, the greatest of all qualities: Love
which is both-
a good quality to have (as an attitude toward everything)
and
something to hope, pray, search for, desire (a true love relationship)

The Middle East

"spiritual center of 8 religions"

Christianity, Islam, Judaism
(okay, we all knew that, people of the book yada yada)

but did you know about:
Yezidi, Mithraism, Zoroastrianism,
Manichaeism, and the Baha'i faith (?)

I've never even heard of some of these.
-Yezidi is a kurdish religion.
-Mithraism (was?) a "mystery religion"
(practiced in the 1st to 4th centuries a.d. in the Roman Empire.)
-Do Manichees even exist anymore?
-Bahai "emphasizes the spiritual unity of all mankind."

Maybe I'm a Bahai and I don't even know it.

John Nash, I remember from A Beautiful Mind, reported his religion as Shinto.
For the next census, maybe I'll report myself as a Mithraist, just to be a freak.
Maybe I'd be the only one (!)

My matrix

How I order my life

I'm either at home, or out.
IN: WERRNEO (7 things)
-Read, Write, Radio, Nap, Eat, Exercise, Online
-omitted: SSTT- sleep, shower, talk, tv
(automatic or extremely rarely)

-Online: JJBOYSMEN (9 things):
J-archive, Joe Frank, Blog, Okcupid, Youtube, Surf, Music, Email, News

-Music (6): Gdradio, Kalx, Whrb, Wmbr, Kcpr, Comedy
-News: MC-CHEW (6) MSN, CNN, CSMonitor, Huffington, Economist, WaPo

OUT (9):
walk the dogs, (4x/day) WTD
library/Y/Free meal (daily) LYM*

visit SF, SF
St. Columba Mass (weekly or less), M
Buddhist meditation (2x/month), BM
Bkly food pantry (monthly), FP
Kaiser (weekly), K
out n about (iso food/female) OA
on a date, D

WLSMBFKOD

*note: I occasionally go to a different library- Doe, GTU, N. branch, or Claremont

aside: when I leave home, I always bring (7):
keys, wallet, watch, glasses, hat, pen, paper
and (usually)
bike, cable&lock, helmet, backpack

Comic Wisdom

according to Bill Hicks

"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration—that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.[34 "

Is this true? all of this?
As Arsenio Hall said, "things that make you go hmmm"

Overheard

I overheard some people talking about religion, today.

One person said, and I agree, "religion is to help people who are dying, but I don't see people dying to get in."People on their deathbed are comforted, I suppose (by the thought of heaven).providing, of course, that they're not frightened out of their mind by the possibility of hell.If suicide weren't a sin, I suppose some (more) people would "die to get in."

I just don't understand suicide bombers and buddhists who self-immolate, and I don't want to.People want to "go out with a bang", and athlete's want to be "on fire" and comedians want to be able to say "I killed" and businessmen/investors want to "make a killing." But that's all like telling an actor "to break a leg", in that you shouldn't take it literally.

I recently read the Koran, and St. Ignatius' Spiritual Exercises.At the moment, I'm working on the Kingfisher Encyclopedia of History.

John Dewey on God

He didn't believe in a personal God

But, he did say this:
(The concept of god) "denotes the unity of all ideal ends arousing us to desire and actions"
(from Wikipedia)

That works for me.

p.s. my blog went over 6,000 viewers a couple days ago.
Yay! Thanks, y'all.

How much do you love God?

a quote from Dorothy Day:

"I really only love God as much as I love the person I love least.."

Wow.
Hate is so so ubiquitous, God hardly exists, I am prompted to think.
Loving everything (and everyone) is a tall order.

Related thoughts:
-if I can love a spider, I can love anyone.
(I thought, on pot, in college)
-Love me when I least deserve it. Because that is when I really need it.
(a marriage tip)
-that screaming, bitter comedian (SAM KINISON)
said something along those lines (I forget, exactly)
-the Jesuits, I believe, are enjoined to "see God in all things"
(which is actually a radical thought, in my opinion)
-and, of course, my introductory quote by Dostoevsky ("love everything")

my routine

daily repetition

I walk the dogs 4 times a day. First thing in the morning, around 8:30 at night, and twice in between, if I'm home. I pick up after them with plastic bags (there's a political movement afoot to get rid of plastic bags, but I use them daily).

I would like to up my reading speed so that I read one book a day. But some books don't have that in the cards.
-I'm reading the 1001 books listed in the book '1001 books you must read before you die'. I also read other stuff -whatever strikes my fancy, such as Cataclysm (a one volume history of WWI), because my mom is taking a class in the fall on the "Great War."

aside On WWI:
They used flamethrowers on each other, and yet there was also the "Christmas truce" of 1914, in which both sides came out from their trenches and jovially played football with each other (before going back to blast each other to smithereens). War is so fucking stupid. Perhaps I should say, on the other hand, Peace is freaking brilliant.

-I try and read the daily New York Times. It's available from the second floor reference desk, in exchange for my library card.

I ride my bike (I don't have a car) to the Central library (the South branch is under construction), which is only a block away from the YMCA. It's a 15 minute bike ride. I go online at the library, and read the NYX, and Christian Science Monitor and Economist weeklies.

At the 'Y', I do cardio. I do the elliptical for around 20 minutes, then the stationary bicycle for 25 more, and I'm supposed to do 'core' exercises on the mat.

To save money, because I'm paying for Sara's cigarrettes and traffic tickets (argh), in addition to rent, I go to the free meals, usually at Trinity United Methodist. Also, I'm trying to save to buy a computer. But the library lets me go online for two one-hour sessions, which is plenty enough.

Once a week, on Wednesday mornings, I go to Kaiser Oakland for a psychiatric group session.

Once or twice a month, I go to a Buddhist meditation group (if I don't forget).

Seven-Eleven

Today is July Eleventh, or 7-11

Oh, Thank Heaven (for today).
Every day is a new day, to start fresh, start clean, start over...

As Pink Floyd sang
(do I have this right?)
It's the same day
in a relative way
but you're older
shorter of breath
and one day closer to death

May everyone live well, and be happy, and die fulfilled.

another update

latest reads and godly grooveshark

books I've read recently:
Pilgrim's Progress, by John Bunyan
Six Days or Forever?, by Ray Ginger
Goode's World Atlas, Rand McNally
The Story of Science, Einstein adds a new dimension, by Joy Hakim
The Bomb A new history, by Stephen M. Younger
The Gun, by CJ Chivers

and grooveshark, under search term 'God':
God walks among us now, by the Flaming Lips
God, by Tori Amos
My Pal, by God
God, by Ugly Kid Joe
God, comedy routine by Greg Proops

Insanity!

The insanity of a manatee (quite tranquil, in fact)

I found a german candy bar called 'nuts' (you are what you eat)
There's also 'soy nuts' (soy means 'I am' in spanish)...I am Iam nuts?
and, of course, plain old nuts.
what kind of nut am I?
-I live in relative poverty, so I could be considered a cashew
-I read a lot, so I could be considered a macadamia
-I'm crazy like Pink Floyd, so I could be a walnut
(I'm not that crazy about walgreens or walmart, though)
-My last name is Portuguese (Teshara from Texeira), so maybe I could be considered a Brazil nut
-last but not least, I'm nuts like mad like angry like a pistachio, sometimes.
and pissed evokes peanuts.. ASH (Atascadero State Hospital) made me pissed (off).

what else is crazy?
someone in Berkeley on the street handed me a flyer that says (among other things), and I quote "The UN's plan is to "Maintain humanity under 5,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature." which means killing over 70% of the human population."
(that should make anybody crazy)

other goofy nuttiness:
Are you insane if you're in the seine river? (I don't know how to pronounce french)
link.

There are 'Crazy Mountains' in Montana. And Wyoming has a 'Crazy Woman creek'.

Of course, you can get rid of your madness in Madrid.

Some Gods out there are:
The Grand Old Duke of York (an old scout campfire song from the Good Ol' Days)
The Gulf of Darien (In Columbia)
The Gulf of Danzig (in Poland)
Gulf of Davao (Phillipines)
Gulf of Drin (Albania)
Gulf of Dulce (Costa Rica)

Geographically speaking, there's
Hell, Norway and Hel, Poland (Noel to you)
Paradise, California
Islamabad. Budapest.
Boring, Oregon
the Bug river
Brainerd, MN
Iwaki, Japan
Intercourse, PA. Bangkok, Thailand. Brest, (one in Belarus, the other in France)
Conception, Bahamas. Crotch island, Canada.
Friend, NE. Helper, UT
Great Pee Dee river, SC
Antwerp. Elephant Butte rsvr, NM. Hungry Horse rsvr, MT.

Isn't it crazy, too, in a world of so many earning less than 2 dollars a day, that in America, they're saying the price of raising a kid (from birth to 17) is 235k? (the price of a new Ferrari).

365 times 17 is 6,205 days.
235,000 divided by 6,205 comes to the price per day for 17 years of raising a child in the U.S.
(around 38 bucks a day)

word of the day:
meliorism: the belief that things will get better over time (ameliorate).
I am a die hard Meliorist.

States of America

breaking the code

Is it me, or are the American states weirdly named? Brain-WA.

There's a COW on the west coast (Ca, Or, Wa)
an ANT to the south (Az, NM, TX)
a doctor in MD, with an attitude toward the sick (IL),
and a patient with a head-cold (MA -achoo"),
states that evoke crying and misery (IA, MO), and a scar (SC).
a criminal and sinful president (WI),
debt problems (IA, WY), no car (NC),
problems at work: "never ask a" (NB) and getting fired (KS),
pacifism vs. gunplay (Pacific ocean, OR) and (AK)
religious references (ALA be AMA) (ama means to love in spanish),
and TN, which got its name from tanasi, rearranged of which is I, Satan.
and MA (Mass), and Arkansas (ark and saw),
mockery of Indians and Mexicans and colored (IN, NM, CO),
food: (So Da, and NY -york peppermint patty reference, there)
sport (TN), and "in the zone" (AZ)
computers and tech (TX, DE)
and

in a category all by itself:
sexual innuendo:
KY, LA -Louis y Ana-, FL -floor id-, VA, ID, TX (where's the 'sex at'), MS -missus sip p-, and OH (what's round on both ends and hi in the middle?).
IN (In Diana, or Indy Ana), and MT.
CA (californication)
and AK (I'll ask)

Past success

honors, achievement, awards

current status
I am now 40 years old/young.
I have a disability, namely "schizoaffective" disorder.
That's bipolar (also, previously, called manic-depression) plus schizophrenia.
I've had this diagnosis since, I dunno, '95 (?) (after college)
http://www.schizophrenia.com/ talks about it.
as Pink Floyd sings, "there's someone in my head but it's not me"

I don't have a job, and I get "unearned income" of 874/mo. from SSA/SSI (social security, disability)
I spend nearly all of it, each month, and have little savings.
My medications (risperdal, zyprexa zydis) help, but I still have symptoms:

1)a voice in my head (either psychosis, telepathy, or both)
2)what I call head-shocks (also referred to as "brainzaps")
3)chest-pains (reduced by exercise, better diet)

I just joined the "Y" near the central public library,
where I go (both) almost every day,
and swim, do cardio, and free weights.
I weigh 216 lbs, and am trying to get to 185
I have 24.8% body fat, and 28.4 BMI
My bmi (body mass index) is in the"overweight" range.
I checked out
-Finding Fitness (by Terrell Owens), and
-Strength for Life, by Shawn Phillips.
I'll get there, although I have to stop with the Ben n' Jerrys.

I also started going to Shambhala buddhist meditations once or twice a month.
I started with the youth group, although I'm out of that bracket.
I have serious problems with my mental illness, and it's dukkha.
I think I have to mentally "change my mind" (literally), to stop
resenting and fighting with what the Dead Milkmen call "the little man in my head"
The voice is driving me insane. I have to not react and ignore it.
Why would telepathy be affected by neurotransmitters, right?

I can't even begin to go to Catholic Mass anymore, it's so ridiculous to me.
But I need friends, and I am a baptized Roman Catholic.
The bible does say (vanity of vanities),
it's all "frustration, futility, absurdity, nonsense", though,
and religion is just as much about community as it is about dogma.
And love "believes all things."
I can choose to believe, then, some things more than others.
just like that quote (from Animal Farm?)
"we're all equal, but some of us are more equal than others"

I'm going to start going to a weekly Kaiser case management group in Oakland,
although I have some reservations about making social connections to other troubled, mentally ill people. The Silence of the Lambs quoted some fictional character as saying "Believe me, You don't want Hannibal Lecter in your head". I (think I) want only sane people in my head.
But then again, maybe Truth and Reality, and thus Sanity, is a bit insane itself.
I remember doing my Eagle Scout Project at the Rec Center for the Handicapped: I felt at one point like I had retarded (is that the right term?) people in my head.

Anyway,
more than 20 years ago-
I won the journalism award in high-school (St. Ignatius College Preparatory, class of '89).
I was in honors and AP english all four years of hs, and was the yearbook editor-in-chief my senior year. I enjoy writing. It helps me clarify and organize my thoughts, and has the added benefit of making me feel smart. Something I've been told I do well. I used to keep a journal, but don't anymore. Maybe I should resume. Or try and get published. I won an alumni scholarship to Cal (UC Berkeley), the Boston College book award, and earned Eagle rank in the BSA. My gpa (weighted) was 4.0, my SAT was 1260 (99th percentile, verbal), which just barely qualifies me for mensa, and I chose to go to UC Davis, enrolling in the freshman honors program, Integrated Studies. I majored in International Relations (I.R.), Third World Studies emphasis. I minored in Spanish. I took an I.Q. test online, and scored 140.

But there are a few facts that take me down a notch -that is, lower my self-esteem:
1) The diagnosis/fact that I have schizoaffective disorder, or, in common language, am "crazy" or "mad." Would I be crazy if the voice didn't make me mad? The insanity, it seems, lies in my response and reaction to it, and less in the voice/telepathy itself. The dynamic of expressing frustration (talking back to it in my head) and trying to reduce or eliminate this mind-control and intrusive invasion of privacy, makes me mad in both senses of the word: angry AND crazy. Maybe it will just go away, eventually. It has lessened considerably, since it started.

2) The bible says, in the New Testament, "Do you not know that you are not your own?" How can wisdom -the supposed word of God- tell us that we are not in control? I feel invaded, controlled, unhealthy, and manipulated for the agenda or agendas of others. I feel like a pawn in a chess game, a puppet whose strings are pulled by unkown master(s) and forces. The travails of being a global telepath? Is everyone a meat puppet, or only schizos like me? 60% of schizophrenic men attempt suicide at some point in their lives, and now I understand why. And spending a billion dollars on a presidential race doesn't help, I might add.

Being mentally ill is it's own form of suffering, of being in hell, a captive audience to a madman in your head, especially, I guess, if you prefer silence and your own thought process to the imposition of the "other". At first, I thought the voice was interesting, a privileged communication, like being on the phone all the time, a special advantage or personal power, that was welcome and enjoyable. I swallowed the red pill. Now, I've had enough. I want out of the matrix. I choose the blue pill (my pills are actually both just white). I want silence, sanity, health, wealth, family, fitness, friends... I guess I even want a job, although I'd have to give up my quixotic quest to read the entire library, lol. I read an article yesterday that said it costs (average) 235k to raise a kid from birth to age 17 (the price of a ferrari). Eek!

It would have to be something I enjoy, though. I'm not about to be "a slave to the money, then you die", or subscribe to "life's a bitch, then you die."

To use the metaphor of another movie, I was an apprentice to the dark side, and now I want to be a good jedi, using the force of light and life instead of darkness and death. I was called a vampire and a dark agent. I wrote up a list of 1000 reasons people kill. I even went to jail for 10 months (as a result of stopping my meds).

There's devil in the details: devil in develop, cult in cultivate, meanness in meaning, hated in death, fun in funeral, and hatred in red hats. okay, sorry.

To be good -that is, in truth, to be GOD- , that is, to love yourself and those around you, as fellow human beings in the same boat as you -fellow travelers on spaceship earth, the global village, fated like everyone else for oblivion and death, requires compassion, a deep sadness, and therefore kindness, being gentle, a good humor, an earnest desire to make others happy, or at least to diminish his or her hell and suffering.

So I ask you, is -as the Beatles sang- happiness a warm gun? Should you, as the slogan says, "kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out"?

Or should we do as The Hard Rock Cafe says: "Love All, Serve All", and make a heaven in this life, which is the only life we will ever truly have?

Basic needs met, sustainably..
healthy living -body and mind- (sanity and fitness) with
good food and good exercise
caring friends and family
community and cooperation
peace, security and comfort
liberty and freedom
love and happiness
respect

Genie, revisited

My idea of Heaven

First, let me say I like earth and ordinary life.
If I am to outlive my life (is that hyperbole?),
through being saved inside a computer or something
(a soul flying off to another world or universe?)
this is what I, Jesse L. Teshara, would want, as of today 6-5-2012:

live forever
1)immortality*
*only if this ALSO includes:

a)non-aging (I get to choose what age for each life),
(although I'd accept aging, if I could re-start periodically)
and
b)health
c)the ability to turn off pain (which I think is what Buddhists are after), and
d)regeneration if hurt or maimed, and
e)start over (at a specified certain age and place) if killed (like in the movie Groundhog Day).
f)if, after eons of time, I've had enough...
at first, I thought I might want to include a
-Suicide Option, because forever is a mighty long time...
but instead, I would invoke the power to
-Erase Memory and start over (see 3)

creator
2)the ability to create what I imagine, or instantiate thoughts, creating:

a)things (like money or food or weapons), or
b)powers (like in books, comics, or the movies, such as Green lantern or X-men), such as:

-flying,
-invisibility,
-morphing (changing size or shape, into existing or imagined animals, persons or things),
-see-through vision (like superman)
-invulnerability/force field
-no need to eat, drink, sleep, breathe (such as underwater, or in space)
(although I would relish hunger/thirst, if food is available)
-telepathy (mind to mind conversation, and reading thoughts; the ability to turn it off/on)
-omniscience
-perfect memory
-access to omniscience, question by question, and the ability to forget (I suspect actual omniscience might not be fun)

c) in addition to (or as part of) the ability to create, the ability to destroy.
e.g. to oblivionize people/places/things (threats),
or to reverse what I've created/destroyed,
or to turn off specified powers (except the power to turn on/off powers itself).

time and space travel
3)time-travel (forward into the future, or backward into the past)
and
4)time-freeze (so I could stay current with all of human creativity, day by day, as well as to have some fun and maybe move some things around)
and
5)teleportation (anywhere in space/the universe/on earth)

love and happiness
6)happiness: (never bored) (psychological bliss)
&
7)true love (a partner with the same powers as me)

that's it!
to summarize, 4 things:

immortality (with it's 6 caveats),
creator ability (of my environment, and my self),
time and space travel,
happiness, and true love.