Schiz

Voice, Auditory hallucinations, Schizophrenia, Telepathy

You want to think of me as nonhuman?

I have a voice, so I’m a demon, a vampire, or something?

You want to pathologize me?  Medicate me? Dehumanize me?  Call me disabled?

   Because of my fucking DNA?   Well, FU.   To hell with you.   

Let me tell you something.  My birthmother, who is also schizophrenic, has conversations in her head with her friends, and loves it.  So it’s not a disability, necessarily.

And I’m not suffering, either.

Medicated for a superpower?   That’s fucking ridiculous.

I’m a telepath, and most of you are idiots.

Telepath does not equal psychopath.

And neither has anything to do with choosing a path.

Telepathology?  Is that what schizophrenia is?

Anyone who dreams, or has an open mind, is exactly the same as me.

So FU and your medications and your medical degrees

And your pathologizing something you don’t even understand!

I’m the same as you and want to be treated as human, normal, and sane.

    (on the other hand) Heretofore, all references to ‘schizophrenia’ in regard to the person of Jesse Lawrence Teshara shall be made with respect for it as an ability, and a unique quality of a talented individual.

(actually, the voice is much diminished, of late...)

heredity

a single schizophrenic parent has a 13.8% chance of schizophrenic offspring

if both parents are schizophrenic, the chance goes up to 50%

also, talking or listening to God is generally accepted and not pathologized, it seems

My Linked In Profile

Hi.  I am an excellent dog-walker, as paid exercise, and a friend to dogs and their owners.  But I enjoy reading, trivia, staying informed, and blogging.   I've had a blog (God's Blog, the Jesse Journal) since 2008.    It occasionally attracts over 2000 views in a day, but in any case I put the number on my calendar daily, and enjoy following its traffic statistics.  I like being productive, and am motivated to make money, and prove I am not disabled.  I won a journalism award in high school, was an International Relations major in college (UC Davis), speak Spanish, and currently enjoy reading, writing, and thinking about God, religion, and spirituality (among much else) for my blog.  I have restaurant experience, as well as Boy Scout summer camp counselor experience (Royaneh), and volunteer experience for the Democratic Party.  I am an Eagle Scout, and I live in Berkeley, California.  Even though I won a Berkeley alumni scholarship, I went to Davis and participated in their freshman honors program (Integrated Studies).   I have a gym membership, and am motivated to be strong, fit, healthy, well, and sane. 

MY RESUME:

PROFILE

I enjoy writing, won the journalism award in high school, and have had a blog since 2008, for the love of sharing, and without remuneration.  Money?  It’s time.  I write about everything.

EXPERIENCE

Dog WALKER, WAG!, Berkeley, CALIFORNIA, 2016-PRESENT 

Paid exercise, and fun for dogs, walkers, and owners alike.  I did not grow up with dogs, but my partner did, and I’m glad to have them in my life now.  I also sit, which entails food, water, and medication, in addition to exercise.  

ASSISTANT, MAIN ELEMENT (ART STORE), CALISTOGA, CALIFORNIA, 2010-2012

Wife’s small business venture;  I talked with customers, answered questions, rang up sales, unpackaged and hung art, and did what Sara needed.   

COOK, WOODSTOCK”S PIZZA, DAVIS, CALIFORNIA, 1995

Took phone orders, made pizzas, etc., and cleared tables.  Often busy (“slammed”), and earned free meals, working to music.  Dishes, deliveries, and day after day decibels and demanding details :-).

Boy SCOUT SUMMER CAMP COUNSELOR, CAZADERO, CALIFORNIA, 1985-1990

My grandfather was an Eagle Scout, as was my dad, as so is my brother.  Camp Royaneh, in the redwoods, near the Russian RIver, is beautiful and fun.  Scouting is co-ed now, but at the time it was just boys.  I taught campers (age 10-17) rowing, canoeing, swimming, the ropes course (COPE), and was a commissioner (keeping the adult leaders happy, basically).  

EDUCATION

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, DAVIS —  BA, INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS, 1993

Emphasis, Third World Studies.  Minor, Spanish

Saint Ignatius College Preparatory, San Francisco (high school)

AP US History, Spanish, English.   Ran cross-country and track.  Yearbook editor.  

Boston College Book Award, Cal alumni scholarship, UCD freshman honors program

SKILLS 

Cheering people up, dog-walking, reading, writing, and conversation.  I know a thing or two about fitness, and cook a mean pizza.

REFERENCES

1.Sara Brown, owner of Main Element (now closed), Portland OR.  

2.Michael Helbush, roommate, (calls my room ‘Salon’ for weekly listen to HOS), Berkeley CA (HOS= Hearts of Space)

Interview question:

Tell me about yourself.

I'm a blogger since 2008, a writer since grammar school (1980's).   My blog has had 353k+ viewers.  In high school, I was in AP and honors English, was the Yearbook editor, and won the Journalism Award.  I write about everything.  From words themselves (like wordplay and poetry), to GodReligion&Spirituality, to Psych and Society, and a little Politics and Policy.  Plus, of course, I write about my life and myself, mostly for my family and friends.  And I read: The Economist, Wikipedia, books.   I just read a book about Buddhism ('What the Buddha Taught' by Walpola Rahula), as well as another book about martial arts and self defense (Special Forces Extreme Unarmed Combat, hand to hand fighting skills, by Martin J. Dougherty).  

I like exercise.  I have a gym membership.  I want to look good and feel good.  I've recently started dating someone new.  I'm really into her, and excited about the future.  She's pretty, smart, funny, and ambitious.  She makes me happy.

I am an Eagle Scout, and love being outdoors, getting out into Nature.  The summer camp I spent my youth at was beautiful and fun, in the redwoods, with swimming, boating, horses, shooting sports, campfires, hiking, and wildlife.

I don't have a car, and ride bike bart and bus everywhere.  I was in an accident, and prefer public transit.  I have an e-bike.

I'm uncle Jesse, the real thing.  I have 2 nephews, and friends with 2 sons who call me Uncle, too.  My brother works for a shipping container company.  My mom used to be a social worker, and goes to Catholic Mass every day.  My aunt is a nun.  My other aunt is retired, and used to be the Sheriff of San Francisco!  

Budai Pigs Out

Her, Him, He, She: Hirsute himalayans laugh at (say hee hee to) Xi.   

And Buddha says boo! From beyond the grave

   Serving buddha with gravy and gravity

Budai says, boo!  die!

Kali says she wants a necklace with beads of skulls!!!

The Mexican day of the dead and Santa Muerte

The impermanence of imps

    And chimps

I suspect even Jesus was impossibly impermanent.  So it goes.

Mortality and less tality

Death and D eating H

Cannibals and cans of bull (beef)

chorros charros, a ton of cowboys

Cow says ow

Pig says oink, makin’ bacon

   Make a cake and fake bacon

Penelope the pig and intelligent animals and suffering (an argument for vegetarianism)

Also, fruits and vegetables, plant protein, is far healthier, they say

Plus, the environment is better off from less factory farms

And there are other arguments, too

    She, suffering/health/environment,   etc.

Cheaper diet

I don’t know what other arguments there are…i bet there are a few.

The China Study is a famous argument...but wealthier Chinese are eating more meat, now.

Anyway, 

CW is conventional wisdom, cold/civil/chemical war, creative writing, and….content warning??

Dukkha is everything from suffering pain and torture to dissatisfaction and discontent.

Ssss,  hissing, suffering

Sexy seventeen year old sister Sarah sitting shotgun (on a summer night), smoking.  (twisted sister, hey little sister shotgun, goodbye horses)

BHS, Burlingame High School, and brown Honda Sarah, blessed holy sacred

doc hawk, doctor raptor, MD (Margaret Delia, manic depression, mom/dad)

   Dr. Rush MD (Rush is both Music and Drug!!)

birds of prey, bop

brr pray (prayer for air and rare meat). 

   (Berkeley, and brr, chilly)   Bay Area winters are mild.   Br Kelli (that's cold!)

BP

The Bigger Man, The Bigger Person

not just weight, size/age, fat, or muscle!

in the sense of "a bigger heart" (not about Lance Armstrong)

Mr. Universe, Budai, babies, and being "big"

Gorillas and alpha-males and big me big me yeah (Nirvana song)

Big dicks and big souls and big hearts and big eyes

Plus, some fun with Sports:

a need for weed, in a cool pool (and a pot club in a hot tub)

have a sake, and watch hockey

new to basketball?  ask it all!

football-  put the doll down and the football up

   (soot fall?)

face it all in baseball

sports court, rules duel, winners and sinners

    litigant has to shit, again

fly guys, sick chicks, rude dudes, and girls into squirrels :-)

Rhyme time

hear! hear!  tears for fears, beers for queers, gears for peers, years for rears, deers for steer, venison for Sam Kinison.   chic sheikh seeks a steak.   glee by the sea, cheer on a pier, a peach on a beach, a band on the sand... 

    the misery quiz.    the sadness badness.   the grief and the beef.   the depression session.   wailing for failing.  the chooser of the loser.  hating your mate.  missing your sis.  losing, in the news.  things have gotten rotten.  insane pain.  enough suffering.   no more war and gore.  the error of causing terror.    the stupidity of cupidity.  must peace always cease?  Must prosperity be a rarity?  

    on the other hand, for Valentine's Day, there's romantic antics, flower power, chocolate and walks, blissful kisses, love that fits like a glove, compatible data, yachts tots and hot-spots, happy naps, medication and meditation, and of course, just lust :-)

chocolate and let's walk a lot;  jelly bellies for Kelli :-)

Kelli is Keli is Kali is Durga is URA G-D is collie, Cali (Columbia), calle (street, in spanish), Berkeley, chilly, and call E, etc.   

   word is fun to play with, although the goddess of death and destruction might not be anyone to fool with!!

goddess:  hat, watch, crotch:   

creation and power (cap), time and change (clock), death and destruction (dad!)

there's more than one Buddha, although Gautama is the founder

and there's Budai and Buddhaghosa and Budapest!

Biko (apartheid activist) was kind of a bhikku (buddhist monk)

Moslem sometimes includes U and I

enjoy and rejoice with joy!

put pain, agony, suffering, torment in the past!

worry, anxiety, stress WAS

misery, anguish, despair drive people mad

grief and lamentation, sorrow and sadness, melancholy and depression

unhappiness, distress, trials and tribulations

dissatisfaction, resentment, outrage, aggression

ill will and anger, hatred, rage, wrath, fury

self, mind and body, keep changing, moment to moment

don't be sad, be glad.  turn that frown upside down.  

tidings of comfort and joy.  be of good cheer.

who has the best bust?

vigilant and diligent against the chief thief

forefathers with foreskins, forecasting foreclosure

digress and divagate

I definitely need to defecate

permanent, everlasting, unchanging, eternal (nothingness, nirvana)

god is love.   love believes all things.   I'm a pro-life democrat.

Does Kelli ever inhabit the role of her namesake Goddess? JC

just curious, James Carville, Jim Crow, Jim Carrey, Jean-Claude, Julius Caesar, John Carpenter, Jimmy Carter, James Cameron, Judeo-Christian, junior college, Jesus Christ...

creation and power, most def!

loggers, liquor, and lagers;   minors and miners;  guinness and gin

scary to carry and bury!

searching for urchins

"Zed's dead" said the bedhead redhead deadhead

She bled on the wedding bed

Ed Ned Ted and Jed said spread or give us head

Bayer, Slayer, and Ayers Rock 

fancy finance in France

men acing menace

k sara sara, whatever will be will be (que será será)

   serpent and rainbow

smart, beautiful, funny, rich (the complete package)

my mom asked, what did the Buddha teach (short summary)?  (I just read Walpola Rahula's book).  I replied,  morality and right living;  how to end suffering and attain bliss (realization, enlightenment, Nirvana);  mental discipline and meditation and equanimity.   Joy is big!  Monks are known for being a happy lot.  Things that lead to suffering are:  thirst, desire, greed, craving, attachment, clinging.   Aversion, hatred, ill-will.  Ignorance, delusion.  Mental development leads to dispassion, mindfulness, liberation, mental health, equilibrium, tranquility.  There are lists of defilements, and virtues and perfections.  Pacifism and non-violence, of course.  "Not to do any evil, to cultivate good, to purify one's mind, this is the Teaching of the Buddhas."  ("Buddha" means "awake", in addition to the founder, and others who achieved high levels of enlightenment).

How'd I do?  There's a lot I could have said.

There are 2 points of Buddhist philosophy/doctrine I disagree with:  I still believe in sense-pleasures.  And I don't believe in rebirths, (no matter what your karma).   Once you're dead, that's it, as far as I can tell.   Maybe I'm deluded on both counts.   But I don't think so.   I still believe in sex and having (a) child(ren) and love and family and being social (vs. seclusion in a cave or forest).  Sorry, Buddha.

Oy! Hoy (today)

Monday, January 29, 2024

Magic Bus (by the Who, off their Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy album) has been playing in my head, everyday

I went to Kaiser (Berkeley) this morning for a Covid test (I don’t think I have it, but I’ve been phlegmy since early December).    What I really want is some kind of allergy test??  My brother recommends I get an air purifier.  The white noise is good for sleep, too.

I had a beer during the 49er game.  I don’t get tv in my room.   I need to buy an Amazon digital HDTV antenna ($15-$23), maybe.   Good, close game.   They’re going to the Super Bowl!   February 11, same day I walk Kaleb.   Go Niners!  Beat KC!   Greg is staying home that day.   There’s a Mass for Liz’s dad, that evening.  

I’ve been talking with and texting Kelli.  She wants a pomeranian.  Her situation reminds me of Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace).  She even wants to play tennis with me.  I told her about reading a martial arts book.   And having Snoopy on my Apple Watch.  And knowing a guy named Shiva at Davis (her real name is Kali, she said).  And the two sitcoms, Jesse and Jessie (Christina Applegate and Debby Ryan).   Kali, aka Durga, is the goddess of death and destruction (and time, change, creation, power).  Heavy name.  Holy.  She told me she went to church, and I told her I watched a Catholic Mass on YouTube.  

I had lunch with my mom yesterday in San Francisco.   Good conversation.   We walked, too.  She gave me a “laughing buddha” (fat buddha) figurine my dad had (dad was chubby, too).  A chinese monk, not actually a Buddha, but with the similar-sounding name, Budai.   Or maybe he was a Buddha.  What do I know?

I re-ordered my meds this morning, to be delivered by mail.   I have 2 days left.  I could have picked them up at the pharmacy tomorrow, but the kp website wouldn’t let me select the Oakland pharmacy (it just kicked me over to a map of the pharmacies), before finishing my order.   I’m not having any problems with my (new) meds (risperidone, lithium, depakote).   My bloodwork said my lithium level was a bit low (??).   

I’ve been worried about my sexual health, but less so now.   

Sunday night, I listened to HOS (Hearts of Space) from 10p to midnight, with my roommate Michael.   Good, interesting, lively conversation.   I got up at 6am, anyway, this morning.  

I want to hit the gym.  I can do pushups, and jog the neighborhood, etc.   but I’d rather wait to train until after my phlegm and cold symptoms go away.

My blog viewership, as of 11:30a this morning is at 26 or so viewers (44 at 4p).

I have maybe a hundred books in my room, waiting to be read.   And I have the Economist on my computer and phone.  3 love books currently “on-deck” are the History of Love (Nicole Krauss), Super Sad Love Story (Gary Shteyngart), and The Marriage Book (advice, inspiration, and cautionary tales).  

I went and got an Afghan Burrito for lunch.   So good!  I like the golden burrito, veg, spicy, with jalapeños.  $15.   They're at 2309 San Pablo (at Bancroft), in Berkeley.  The website is afghanburrito.com.   I wholeheartedly recommend!   Bon appetit!

Texeira,  in Portuguese, means "yew tree".  (My name, Teshara, was changed from this at Ellis island, the story goes).  It's a common name there, like Smith here.   Planting yew, and "planting" you (as David Foster Wallace put it - it being burial).   Trees of life, tree of knowledge, family tree, Jesse tree.   There was even a comedian I saw named "Tree."

I don't have Covid.   Which means I don't have "long covid".  Not really a surprise, there.  And I bought an air purifier (Envion Therapure).   Lovely day, today.   I paid .20 cents for a bag to carry my purifier from Ace (the box didn't fit in my bike basket or backpack).  I'm still wearing my 49er T-shirt.  

Magic Bus

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8 Fallacies

Questions

IOP

PRN

ASW

CRT

TPI

Psycho therapy and mental health and criminal law

Treatment and halloween (treat mint)

Evaluation and the value of E (ecstasy)

Interventions and interring ventures, vents, conventions

Services and serving ices (crystal methamphetamines)

Full name, on an empty stomach

Present location, gift and loco

Appropriate, pre-it

Medium is the message, practice of purportedly mediating communication between the spirits of the dead and living human beings.   (television and “telehealth”)

Gratitude, and a gr attitude

Emergency, and emergin’ from the sea (like Cthulhu!)

(Individual) Diagnostic fallacies list:

8 of them: mania, auditory hallucinations, delusion, paranoia, rap speech, decreased need for sleep, increased energy, and homicidal ideation.  

“manic”:

After returning from H (SJBH), I had a lot to do:

    1. Communicating with family and friends (dog people, primarily)

    2. Cleaning my room/house (cockroaches, rat droppings)

    3. Health-related business (new meds, dental, roommate bins vs. rats)

Things have returned to near-normal, now.

I have not talked to Kelli.

“hallucinations”:

     1.  Dr. Desai, when asked, said she didn’t think I was schizophrenic.

I think being social, like I was at the hospital, and less “in my own head” is the answer.    In other words, I think the voice will go away with actual communication.   Voice is a vice?  Devil’s cellphone?  Virtual telepathy? I know you think it’s sick.  I don’t think it needs to be pathologized.   Even so, I’m ready for a normal brain process, even of talking to myself without it feeling like I’m talking with David (the lawyer I met in college).  Auditory hallucinations are usually annoying (but sometimes interesting).  I associate them with a homosexual “in my head” (as well as an episode of South Park).

“delusions”:

Okay, not God.

I’m just a writer.    I never said I was omnipotent, omniscient, or all-good.  So I’ve been misunderstood.   I’ve never said I was better-than-you.  I can see how it would be interpreted as Grandiose.  My blog is just my truth, a facet of the larger truth.  I think “God’s Blog” is an interesting premise, and I’m trying to get readership.    

“Paranoia”:

Several threats were made to me at the hospital.  I’ve never had an enemy.   So that was jarring.   I feel safe now.  I’m pro-Biden, and I recently had a vampire dream, and I believe in the devil/demons, so there’s still the opportunity to feel threatened.   I was remarkably composed at the hospital, I feel.  I don’t think I have any irrational fears. 

“rapid and pressured speech”:

Just a desire to be thorough and honest.  I don’t get a chance to talk about myself or my life that much, and took the opportunity.  Family dinners are deathly boring (from my perspective), with everyone drinking but me.  Drowned out of the conversation, as it were.  

“decreased need for sleep”:

I still get my daily 8 hours.   I’ve never needed sleep medication before, ever.  My need for sleep has increased, if anything (with greater exertion).   I have had some difficulty sleeping, of late, which I attribute to adjusting to my new medications.  I’m sleeping fine, now.  I’m aiming to wake regularly at 6am, which is new for me.

“increased energy”:

My meds left me feeling enervated, actually.   But fine, last night.

HI and SI:

Homicidal ideation.  I’ve never taken the idea seriously.   I just kill cockroaches and used to watch movies like Kill Bill.   I’ve only been in like one fight my entire life, in like 6th grade, lol. 

I do like movies like Sicario and City of God.  I went to the Hospital thinking I might be evil, but left feeling like I’m both a nice guy, and healthy.  I've never been suicidal.   I want to be more social, and better-looking/stronger.   I'm interested in being a writer, a physical trainer, a therapist, a comedian, and a husband/dad.   I like being an uncle and friend (and dog-walker).