God kills

He killed most of the dinosaurs, for instance

what a jerk!

He chucked a rock at earth, and kapow! no more dinosaurs.
and of the dinosaurs that survived, which are now birds, the chickens are currently experiencing their own holocaust.  If god didn't want us to eat animals, then why are they made of meat, right?

Actually, I'm reading the China Study, by TC and TM Campbell, and it looks like the chickens may yet have their revenge.  If not through avian flu or whatever, then an increased risk for cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.

Thou shalt not kill!  Do as I say, not as I do!  Only God is good!  vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord!  God is a man of war!  There is a time to kill!  The price of sin is death!  that's all i can think of.

i guess those dinosaurs got their just desserts, the vicious monsters!

have a nice day.
-God, the source of all goodness :-)

Was Hitler actually good?

muckraker me

Hi. My name is Jesse. You can call me Jess. It's Jesse without an I, in case you aren't reading this. I have two eyes, or four if you count my glasses, or 5 if you count my inner eye, but my name, which isn't me by the way, has none. My mom has a sister who is a nun. Aunty-christ, ha. My full name is Jesse Lawrence Teshara. Lawrence is my father's name. He goes by Larry, or Mr. T. His dad, my granddad, also went by Mr. T, so the moniker, in my family, predates the A-team guy. My grandpa's name was Ben, as in Benedict, not Benjamin. I'd like to think the pope was just giving propers to my grandfather, the milkman -he owned Sun Valley Dairy in San Francisco. That's why the next pope chose Francis, right? Grandpa T was a boxer, before that. I've been in a few fights, myself.  Few, phew. I'm a pacifist, though. I have a poster on my wall with a picture of Albert Einstein sticking out his tongue, with a quote below. Maybe you've seen it? It says, among other things, “killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.” I saw this poster when I was in high school, and I thought to myself back then, yeah that's right. I've always thought war was stupid. I also read Hiroshima in high school, which really really makes war seem utterly retarded. So I'm anti-nukes, too, just like Einstein, even though he was partly responsible for the invention of the damn things. I've since read The Secret, which purportedly reveals the secret to success in life. Among other things, it says being anti-war only creates more war, as weird or counter-intuitive as that may sound. You have to state your goals positively. In other words, you must be Pro-Peace. Anti-war rallies just don't cut it. How does one reframe anti-nukes into pro-something? What's the word? Pro-UN, I guess. I wish it was pro-Obama.  Anyway, I avoided the military-industrial complex, and decided against applying for the USNA -Annapolis-, even though my dad's brother, Tom Teshara, was the Naval Academy's recruiter for the west coast. Instead, I went to UC Davis, where I majored in International Relations, with an emphasis in third world development, and a minor in Spanish. I've never worked in the field, though. I went crazy, is the technical term for it, I guess.  Insane in the membrane.  I've never even been to a spanish-speaking country, and I only use my spanish on rare occasions, such as at taquerias, so I've fallen out of practice. I've also become vegetarian, so I don't go to taquerias as much anymore. Hitler was a vegetarian, I've read, which strikes me as odd. Apparently, animals had more value than humans for him.  Not that humans aren't animals.   It makes me wonder if he really wasn't all that bad a guy, after all. I mean, did he ever actually kill anyone, himself? Or did he just tell others to?  It seems to me he might have merely been angry, and exercising his right to free speech. We've all been angry, right? And it seems carnivores in our day in age might, if you did a tally, kill a lot more animals than maybe Hitler ever did. He was hateful, but maybe his hands weren't as dirty as everyone seems to assume. Maybe you'll run into Hitler in heaven! I'm just saying, maybe your average american is worse than Hitler. And people are just animals with thumbs, language, and tools. Really, people are just ants in the grand scheme of things.  We're infinitesimal in an infinite universe. That's why it's called ANT-hropology. Ants are people, too! We should respect all life, in my opinion. Of course, if you eat yogurt, you could just as well be a cannibal, right?  Hannibal the cannibal was a cultured individual.  I'm pro-life, because life does begin at conception, and adoption is the loving choice, as I can attest, because I'm adopted, and got lucky, I'd say. I'm also grateful I wasn't aborted, although sometimes the devil gets me down. Every single one of us, the devil inside. 4-evil (d is the 4th letter).  It has been shown, for example, that legal abortion lowers the crime rate.  I just read that recently, forgot where. But it's still wrong.  Immoral, that is to say.   Which is just another way of saying i don't like it, and disapprove.  So what's right, you ask? Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side in a horrific sawmill accident? He's all right now! Yuk yuk yuk! Thou shalt not kill, sayeth the lord. Lord almighty!  The peerage like that phrase, I gather.  But the Lady might think it's sexist. Lord stands for L or D, which could be life or death, or light or darkness, or Liz or David, or fill in the blanks, yourself. How many L words are there, and how many D words? Time to check the OED, with a calculator. C u later, cal q later! God is a man of war who doesn't kill anyone?  That's what hell's for.  A punishment worse than death.  Anyway, yeah the 10 commandments are different from the law, which I think would be interesting to look at, in detail. Apparently, the bible was referring to manslaughter (no laughing matter), while american jurisprudence covers a slew (pardon the pun) of different categories (pardon the gory-ness).  all for now, just today's rant.

Happy Halloween

boo!

boo a) an exclamation produced when trying to scare someone with surprise
b)a call, often at a sporting event, to express displeasure and dissatisfaction
c)a word used in hip hop and by rappers to indicate their g/f (hey, boo!) (from beau?)

anyway,
season's greetings.  before christmas, and before that thanksgiving, comes:
a)halloween b)all hallow's eve c)day of the dead (dia de los muertos) d)all soul's day e)all saint's day

i'm not sure which ones are synonyms, the same day, or which come first.

anyway,
in spooky scary terrifying news of horror-
i'm now a (semi) vegetarian.
hitler was a vegetarian.  boo!

i've got some pamphlets from mercyforanimals.org
1)why love one but eat the other? (picture of a puppy, with a picture of a cute piglet)
2)25 reasons to try vegetarian
 there's horror in both, all the more terrifying, because it's actually all true.
 
i was thinking that christianity deals with eating animals being sinful with
the eucharist
where you both love jesus and eat him, too.
you eat meat?
go to confession! you are forgiven!
i jest, but i still think people should be vegetarian.
people are animals, too, and we don't eat each other! (and we shouldn't)

in other news,
i checked out from the library:
flight of the conchords cd,
freakonomics movie,
ludmila's broken english by DBC Pierre, and
the Quincunx by Charles Palliser.

i went swimming at the Y yesterday.  good to get back in the water.  been awhile.

i won tix from kalx to see Blitzen Trapper and Allelujiah choir next week

i read ender's game, by orson scott card, from the library (book club at claremont branch libary)

criminal congress

$300M/day

that's how much we (the US) are losing during this stupid, criminal gvt. shutdown
I got that number from the drunk dial your congressman website.

Barack calls it extortion, and I think -seriously- charges could be filed.
I'm pretty sure a case can be made, am I wrong?

they're saying "it's not the end of the world",
but IT IS $12M/ hour!!
and yet they are also saying "obamacare is the end of america"
if i remember correctly from yesterday's NY times.
the end of an insecure america
with a large portion of people without health insurance.
a healthier america, too, I would say.

Defining God

So atheists and theists can talk sensibly about Reality

We need to get our terms agreed upon, first

as Noam Chomsky said, "When asked if he is an atheist, Chomsky replied "What is it that I'm supposed to not believe in? Until you can answer that question I can't tell you whether I'm an atheist."

Here are some ideas, off the top of my head:
1)love, the creator- (wouldn't that just be your parents?)

2)goodness- (almost completely subjective, i.e. up to each individual to judge for him/herself)
as 50 cent said in an interview I watched this week, "If it makes you happy then it's right."

3)"omnipotent", i.e. the most powerful being in the universe.  that could be the most powerful human, or maybe an alien, far away.  the power to kill you, it seems to me, holds the greatest sway...so god could be a physicist with his finger on a button, an alien who could destroy the universe, or just a thug who holds your life in his hands.  I don't really want to think of God as an extortionist, though.  (I don't like thinking of Republicans as extortionists, either...but maybe they are, which is criminal, right??)

4)"omniscient"  I don't think it's possible to know everything.  If God is omniscient, I'm an atheist, lol.  Of course, "knowing" in the biblical sense, is having sex with.  And this could shift meaning to "being fuct", in reference to the previous definition, number 3, in which god kills everyone.

5)"omnipresent".  Is God "Reality" ??  Life, the universe, and everything, in other words.  Time, Space, Energy, Matter...  "I am" as the name makes God equivalent to The Universe, both Life and Death.  Death, or oblivion, is eternal.  Much longer than our puny, paltry lives.  But Consciousness, maybe a Shared consciousness, can also be understood as the deity, in reference to Godco., the community of believers creating the virtual reality, in the matrix/psychesphere/collective unconscious that includes constant prayer, both mental and verbal, spoken and unspoken.

6)words, language.  "and the word was made God" (am I remembering the bible correctly?).  So the word God is in fact the reality of God, in itself.  (kind of trippy, or the equivalent of a unicorn or a comic book character or a character in fiction).

what did I omit?  what is God to you?

I think

self-deception

today's philosophy talk treated of self-knowledge, the delphic oracle 'know thyself'

cogito, ergo blogo: i think, therefore i blog

Flannery O' Connor said
"I don't know what I think until I read what I write"

i wrote
1)(the bumper sticker) don't believe everything you think
2)we are each the center of our own universe, the god of our own world (atomism?)
3)"never look in the mirror when you're on acid" (I've never taken acid, however)

Philosophy Talk "questions everything, EXCEPT your intelligence"

"no, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. "-Niels Bohr, physicist

People in my past

my faceless social network
 
801: the linebargers, matsunos, joneses, costellos, and edwardses
family (tesharans and hennessys): larry, peg, greg, liz, tom, jeannine, debbie, stephanie, steve, penney, jim, vicki, erin, patrick, dan clegg, rosemarie.  annette v. riddle,
-sarah salazar.
-jay and alyce fahey, mary and james hennessy, ben and doris teshara

chess pieces: ellen, tim bishop, jeff pon, michael king, and julie castle-scott

religious: creed rafferty, koran, mohammed (mo), siva, jesus, tim bishop, devan cross.
omg (oliver my dog), david, jesse, isaiah, noah, sarah, rebecca, thomas, mark, matthew, john, mary, joseph, israel.

animals: christine scobee, erik beever, kaitlyn kat starr, duvlaca duv holland, tick falletti, oso, parrot, tiger, aunts (others: flea (red hot chili peppers), mosquito, dog (the bounty hunter), tiger woods, robin williams)

food: french, fries, brandy, hennessy, edom, brie, chip, stu, sauer, mazzola, heinze, debbie 

geography: ellen covington-french, duvlaca holland, hong, michael kong, israel, francisco, roland dubai.

karen, kirin, koran
doug biggert, smith, kapovitch
larry teshara, wahl, myer
greg teshara, adams, st. john
pat: patricia brown, zonca; patrick hennessy, sullivan
chris keck, romo, sheldon, tofer, roeske, chris; christine scobee, khoury, fuentes, dentoni
steve heuser, mazzola, malakis, hackney, dunek, clark, toloski, azevedo, pittinger, erle
larry, peggy, greg, liz, tom, jeannine, steve, penny, jesse teshara
kathy gill, ghnaim, kat starr, katie, katie wolf, caitlin, cathy blish.
kevin mulcahey, tipper, celadon
mike ruane, nathan, romo, kong, crotty, bulen, willis, mcgee, jubien, matsuno, ferry, durieux, king
john murphy, heuser, savant, torrey, champlin, mclaughlin, sims
david eldridge, storn, esteva, bulen, hanngie, lo, bartels
joe flaherty, hearney, cline, jose vargas, joel, josie, joseph (harley), joe (contractor), joe (bucket), joe ehrman

shawn and michelle, michael and david bulen;
mike and matt mcgee;  mike, miwa, mitch matsuno

bay areans:
berkeleyans: sharif, larissa, ali, nasir, tim, erin, dennis, tziporah, fazil, caitlin
bill, peter, adam, victor, armando
oaklandish: pierre basmaji, sara brown, nikki, gretchen klise, audrey kell, rebecca bonneville
san leandro: julie, sam, miette, fido, taco
dr. michelle sallee, dr. huh, dr. elisa rambo, janos zanyi mft, andrea glover, cathy farrell, 
helpers: max dolane, jc, paul
other acquaintances: young 'cere, jerilyn, walter, olivia, chris, karen, frank, deana, brooks, phil, sylvia, richard

st. stephens teachers: pucinelli, fitzpatrick, creedon, delara, harvey, corsiglia, achin, mary

ss classmates: mabel mistica, samer and kathy ghnaim, brandon sargent, matt fambrini, tracy fannin, keith madden, lori liuzzi, mark c wong, tom mallen, scott biggs, mike ruane, nathan, romo, kong, crotty, michelle hallisy, steve mazzola, malakis, nancy malik, carol jurado, maryanne barulich, andrea curtis, josette ferrer, claudia hrvatin.
-jennifer lueras, roland dubai, mr. achin

childhood friends: steve toloski, steve, dirk, wyatt, chris and kelly, miwa matsuno, christine fuentes, monica madden, rebecca edwards.

s.i. classmates: dennis unson, manuel micaller, piero isola, marco campagna, tri fritz, dave bartels, jacob wang, jim crudo, joe cline, aaron frank, pj trudell, devan cross, mike ferry, jean-claude calegari, pat sullivan, jean-paul savant, ralph barsi, tom mcguirk, heath white, david storn, joe flaherty, jose vargas, steve clark, joel tomaneng, jeff sun, eli kuo, gabe sanchez, ricardo perez, armando rodrigues, charles harrison, al madrigal, calvin lui, brian spaulding, gavin das, damon poeter, matt powell, ben kalin. joe hearney, tim leehane. -paolo maraviglia.

s.i. teachers: sister (morality and ethics) _, shaughnessy, david lorentz, peter m. devine, paul hanley, nick sablinsky, guido van rijn. donna murphy.

priests: fr. te, sauer, papa john/ papa murphy, prietto, sotelo, brown, horsefall, paul o'dell, corcoran, mccormick, bishop cummings, deacon gary west, brother draper. _

carin' about cairns:
camp royaneh:greg, rick st. john; hovey, josiah clark, chris roeske, jackie cougar crow, ken pederson, steve pittinger, charles _, pat beatty, jeff downing, drew p. jones, jack laws, jack kilmartin, steve gallagher, ed nave, pat devlin, bob wolf, chip hansel, john powers, robin praeger, chris, ted, _ kanelopolous, ed _, bruce _, andy and _ jones, greg adams, tim mcguinness, garrett dempsey, pat growney, dan paul, steve erle, bill and terry, brian heinze, wayne and candi llano, judy feifarek-tipper, _ (cope, packed parachutes), wayland _, _ (pool, managed sporting goods), scott rogers, steve haas, bernard, mike wren. itsuo tanaka. rodney. ed, george, _ flowers.
- marty, _ (diamond-r), sheridan rom, ed _, stan altshuler, doug kapovitch, bob anino

troop 14:
joe ehrman, fred dickson, roleigh warner, jackson mcelmel.
stephen, jonathan heuser, jason pett, mike durieux, john champlin, alan steele, tri, clay fritz, zach, andrew higgins, john-austin, mark saviano, mike, matt mcgee, zack thayer, chad law, chris romo.  

ucdavis integrated studies '89-'90:joncarlo ruggieri, caleb ward, mark thiess, karen wilson, erik beever, adam green, angela, tina and terra, holly johnson and treena, dan rohrer, dan sherman, betsy, stacey, whitney, wendy wichyman, megan, cathy blish. cheryl, susan, jean, stormy, michelle.

professors: scott mclean, henry mchenry, michael jubien, david robertson

the ladies: leslie servus, ellen covington-french, kathy gill, helen, lenore, mona, judy f-t, brandi odom (buffy), duvlaca holland, anna panagakis, jamie naylor, mara dale, marcy, kat starr, slb, nikki
 
friends: sara brown, fazil erdem, pierre basmaji, kathy ray, caitlin moore, sam julie miette.

old school: mary moran, holly, karen, dan, reginald, kristen, josh, jacinda, phil, jessica archer, pat giri, sarah jane hawkins, laura pinocci, ellen trainor, lara, mai, alex, alison berenstein, so, kai, nat, john sims, cassidy starfire, byron, pete, kent, steve pacelli, serena yuen, amy, rubina, connie.

auburn area: pat brown, ron, ken, michael, theresa, bruce meads, marci, betty gadberry, ruby, eric evers.
s friends: melissa and james seymour, melina and john harper, shelley, naomi, ashley

pets: ollie and marcel, zeus and pip, marsden and _, fido and taco, camille, shnoodle-dorf, squirt, shadow, lola, winnie.

crowbar hotel: four nguyen, paul gallagher, david hanggie, milton, bradley, cornelius, jeff, jesse
diamond, jasper, red, silk, boxer, khan, leto, outlaw, parrot, tiger, champ

random mix:  nina sullivan, alan anderson, tamara, lisa noujdina, lola, veronica, francesca, alan zeltserman, frank, H (calistoga artist), sofia harrison, corliss, brian shipley, joy, emily, morgan, ro-el, hernan, hermenio, mike, mike willis, nathan lane. jim marquis, yoshi tanaka, harv, barb, josie, cherie robinson, isabel.
roger (runner), gary (cook) powell (rosemont)

past docs: francine reich, paul jurkowski, betat, zeff.

'you're a crazy crew'

My schools

a fish that eats macadamia nuts

pink preschool
brown pre-school
happy hall

st. stephen's
st. ignatius college preparatory
uc davis

extracurriculars
hs yearbook editor, track, cross-country, intramural volleyball

ucd:
bachelor's degree in IR, minored in spanish
integrated studies, freshman honors program '89-'90
craft center -ceramics,
experimental college class in massage
outdoor adventures (OA) wwr (whitewater rafting),
p.e. classes in racquetball, tennis, jujitsu,
intramural ultimate frisbee and floor hockey,
lapswim at toomey pool
recreational basketball and bowling
biking with the bike team, once
aikido class, davis community
karma patrol, whole earth festival
lector, newman center
students for life

doctor-it:
life, hard-knocks, experience
purchased books, library, internet, anthony robbins

Oh, the jobs I've worked

cash money, y'all

20 jobs:
dogwalking
recycle (before there was city collection), babysit, garden/vacuum
boy scout/ cub camp counselor, camp royaneh (canoe base, pool, commissioner, cope) 7 summers
bagger (aka courtesy clerk, paper or plastic?), falletti's finer foods, albertson's
student annual fund campaign, telemarketer, davis
bellboy, hyatt regency sfo (burlingame)
ucd summer housekeeper
cook, the davis graduate
cook, woodstock's pizza, davis
selling cookies, corona-lotus, SF
deli-counter, davis co-op
clerk, walgreens, sf
security guard, $1.98 clearance center, sf
model, davis art center
park cars outside hospital, Sacto (cps, spg)
driver, jeeps, sf
signature-gatherer, PCI (progressive campaigns, inc.)
caltrans, nighttime roadwork, sf
best step technician, roseville
helping Sara at main element, calistoga

fellow employees:
denea (de), deedee, rod, steve, squire, cash
fff: christine, jenny, maria, lorraine, tick
hyatt: claudia, chris sheldon
walgreens: mr. ellis, mack, paul, chris, krikor, maria,
chester, claire, pat, roy, marina, summer, jesus

Oh, the places I've been

A chronology of location

-born in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to Annette Riddle

-Paradise, CA with birth-family

-San Francisco, CA:
foster home with Mr. and Mrs. Fiji
-adopted age 4, 380 Monticello St., SF by Larry and Peggy Teshara
-moved, 801 Darien Way, SF:
trips to Cazadero, CA (summer camp, BSA, Royaneh),
Reno NV by train,
Anaheim (Disneyland),
Virginia/D.C./NYC (national scout jamboree '85),
Annapolis MD (visiting the US Naval Academy),

-Davis, CA (matriculated at UCD, '89-'93):
bicycled to Lake Berryessa
went with OA (Outdoor Adventures) on a whitewater rafting trip, south fork of the american river.
drove to Lancaster, CA to meet Sarah Salazar, birth-sister
excursions to Sacramento, to see annual Spike and Mike film festivals
Dixon May Fair (demolition derby!), with dad

I lived in 14 places in Davis:
4 college years:
Bixby 4
(410 freshman -carlo ruggieri, caleb ward)
( 425 sophomore -mark thiess),
68 aspen village (-doug smith, mike, andy mak) plus jared
B St. (-erik beever, bob davis, john sims, sam)

staying after college:
University ave. (next to the Hillel House, across the st. from campus -bill, adam, res sacharoff, stu finkel)
apt. in east davis (-chris keck)

back to SF: 801 (-mom and dad), then room in house near stern grove (-cecilia han)
trip to Shingle Springs, CA (-kim's truck)
then a stretch at the Int'l Student Center, SOMA (south of market), SF

back to davis, round 2:
apt. in central davis (just me, visited by ellen)
apt. in east davis (-steve dunek)
-briefly homeless-
jessica's, then trailer in south davis (-larry myers)

Sacramento
Rosemont, on wildrose ave., a leone pena board and care: sally, theresa, tim and tom, steve hackney, moody) plus toby miller
Midtown apt, 17th and P (-Jim Marquis)
trip to key west by greyhound from sacramento (and all points in between), during spring break.
Midtown studio, also 17th and P (just me. Robert Thorley, landlord, upstairs)

W. Sacramento, house (-david andrew eldridge)

back to Sac,
Rosa Bagley board and care, 4 places, last one behind shopping center (-Gary, cook)
N. Sac, Wildhurst ave., room and board (-charles, eric, alethea (lee), robert, beersheba, etc.)

then jail, (Sac county, ASH -Atascadero State Hospital) 10 months.
Sac, Doug's, one night
Rosemont, again, briefly

then, back to Davis (round 3):
east davis, near cemetary (-hong, joe, jeff, brandi)
west davis apt., The Trees 
north davis apt., on sycamore

with Sara:
Roseville (campo, near rhs),
San Francisco (hearst ave., near St. Fin Bar),
Cobb (Lake County),
Calistoga (on Myrtle)
Auburn (downstairs, Ken and Michael's)
Berkeley (Haskell)
with trips to Tahoe, Ca and
China (Beijing, Shanghai, Xian)

Now: Berkeley (Russell street) (-tony, annie, mesfin, marco, alyssa, christine)

My week

the routine, of late

daily ny times, library
daily Y, exercise (sometimes twice)
daily email, blog, etc. (e.g. wikipedia, csmonitor, okcupid, ted)
MWF 12:20p lunch, mcgee baptist church
M 2p yoga, yttp
W kaiser, 10:30a-11:30a
W walk Marcel
W 7:00p meditation, berkeley shambhala center
R walk Fido and Taco, San Leandro
R Joe Frank, 11p kdvs
Su 10a-11a, Philosophy Talk kalw
read Mad magazine, The Economist
i'll play pool with Caitlin, again
I want to visit Tom and Jeannine in SSF
my reading list is RIDICULOUS
and I listen to obscene amounts of music.

42

my age: the meaning of life, the universe, and everything!

I turn 42 tomorrow.
I'm a virgo boar, born around labor day.  hope you're enjoying yours.
There's a saab with my birthday (9/3) on it, and trucks with '71 on it, too.

I'm having dinner with family in SF tonite,
and going to Burma Superstar, tomorrow.

Spy

4 numbers:

16 American spy agencies
107,000 employees (spies?)
spending $500B (since 9/11/01)

and
10 (because it looks like I.O. -Information Overload)

Air Force Intelligence Army Intelligence Central Intelligence Agency Coast Guard Intelligence Defense Intelligence Agency Department of Energy Department of Homeland Security Department of State Department of the Treasury Drug Enforcement Administration Federal Bureau of Investigation Marine Corps Intelligence National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency National Reconnaissance Office National Security Agency Navy Intelligence

the numbers work out to, by my calculation, about 360k per employee per year.

Life is Good

three ways of saying it

1)Pro-life
2)Thou shalt not kill
3)Consistent life ethic

first refers usually to abortion
second to manslaughter (I read somewhere)
third to the 4+ realms of (opposition to): abortion, capital punishment, war, and meat

1)I'm pro-life because I'm adopted, and I believe/think adoption is the only humane choice.

2)I oppose capital punishment, in all cases, because nothing rights the original wrong, and prisoners lives can have value, without resorting to the base motive of revenge as supposed justice.
I am opposed to hell, in all its forms, such as torture or psy war against/by inmates.  Prisoners can do science, earn degrees, read books on to tape, live in a healthy community, get married and have children, and otherwise live fulfilling lives, which should be our goal, in my view, as opposed to dismal, bullied, raped, insecure, and pathetic lives of incarcerated punishment.  As Kaiser says, "thrive" (vs. endure).

3)War, ugh.  There's apparently a doctrine of "just" war, but I think always and everywhere, we should engage in diplomacy, and look to creating separate states for every community that desires alternate governance.   I believe in peace through "just do it", instead of peace through strength, which usually seems to be peace through dominance, coercion, and submission.

4)Humans are animals, too.  If we eat other animals, as those on the top of the food chain, we contribute to moral decay, physical unhealth, environmental degradation, and untold suffering.   Thought experiment: if superior beings conquered earth, would we humans like to be processed into their food?

I admit I love to eat meat.  Ribs, burgers, steaks, roast beef sandwiches, skirt steak, thanksgiving turkey, beef jerky, veal, kung pao, kfc, it's all so delicious.   We carnivores, anticipating our own bodies being consumed by cemetary worms, take revenge on unkind fate's oblivion by devouring every kind of life.  I think it's a sin.  I think all life is sacred.   Even bugs.   I'm going with the assumption that plants aren't conscious.  I'm going to stop buying meat, but I'll eat whatever's offered me, and not be a missionary towards vegetarianism, other than these comments here in my blog.  Everyone has a right to life, literally.   Even the death-eaters, to use a harry potter term.

Hunting, I would like to add, is abhorrent.  It may seem laudable to kill your own food, but society and civilization are no longer reliant on hunting and gathering, and it is no longer necessary to kill to eat.  The culture of death (and guns) in America stops with vegetarianism.

No murder, no war (ever), no induced abortion, no capital punishment, no hunting, and no meat.  Just happily alive, celebrating life. 

U.S. stay out of Syria

If I had my druthers, the U.S. wouldn't even have a military

In my fantasy world of the US of the W, a world police force would enforce international law, and every language would have it's own state (with sovereignty, in all areas outside of the universally agreed upon international norms), and each state would have it's own government, in a rich ferment of ideas, with multiple political experiments running simultaneously, with the goal of maximizing the personal happiness of every individual.

hm, maybe that's what the world already is.  (semantics?)

War, besides being hell, can also contribute to happiness.  Camaraderie, the development of new technology, jobs for soldiers, a safer world, and maybe even the elimination of evil people all must be why the bible says God is a man of war, despite Thou shalt not kill being one of the 10 commandments.  Vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord.  There is a time to kill.  

I don't really believe there are evil people,  though.  There are criminals and psychopaths and gangsters and bloodthirsty murderers, who maybe enjoy splattering the brains of enemies, like a good video game, or in a horror movie, but these people HAVE demons, not ARE demons.

So what I'm saying is there are those who are Good at being Evil, and they play a role in the proper functioning of society like a dentist or a shopkeeper or attorney or what have you... If you ARE God, then you can kill, I guess, but if you submit to God (Islam means submission), well I guess the Koran says you can kill the infidels, too.    This is not going where I intended it to.  But maybe soldiers killing each other off, for whatever reason, can be good for the planet, for its resources, for lowering the burden of the earth to support a growing population.  I, however, like soldiers, and people in general, and don't want them to die.  But war is good for the economy, too.

This does not strike me as a healthy moral calculus.  There must be another way to make the globe a better place than war and killing and destruction.  The negatives of war seem to far outweigh whatever benefits it may bestow, the misery eclipses the joy of thrillkill,  the suffering and death overpower the blessings of love from an unseen, mysterious God.   Indeed God is dead when war takes away a loved one.   The yin and yang, the good and evil, what a mess.  We make do.  But no one should have to endure it, a lasting peace should always and everywhere be our goal.  Once created, it must be maintained. 

Syria, case in point.  The goal should be an immediate cease-fire, a truce -not escalation.  Assad should rule over those who desire his rule, and those who don't should have a separate country, just like the Palestinians should have their own territory, homeland, separate from the Jewish state.   If Jews want to live in Palestine, fine, and vice versa, Palestinians in Israel, that should of course be permitted.  The U.S. is a melting pot hodge podge, and I like my country that way.  But to each his own.

So just stop fighting, everyone.  Children, get along or go to your rooms.

I have to say I don't see what makes chemical weapons a "red line" that stands as a criterion for U.S. military action.  A death is a death is a death.   A bullet does the same thing, in the end.   So if we haven't acted already, we should just stay out.  We don't want to be in another proxy war with Russia, or mired in the senseless brutality of another war, just on general principle.  We should be spending our money on happiness, not perpetuating or escalating misery.  And I don't think the U.S. really cares one way or the other about Sunni vs. Shia vs. Alawite vs. Hezbollah, unless it's everyone vs. al Qaeda.   Unless we want Christianity to spread at the cost of an imploding, factionalized Islam.   Chess is war, and I suspect religious motivation behind a lot of behavior and policy.  (and demographics, too, with copious angry youth)

Of course, the pres has a lot more information than I do,  and I think  his heart is in the right place, so maybe action against Assad is the right thing to do, I don't know, I defer to him- but I am skeptical, and think the military is mostly boys playing with (expensive) toys.

also, now that I've learned congressional approval for U.S. military involvement has been sought, this is what i'd like to see addressed by the debate:
1) what the U.S. interests are.
2) would a "limited, surgical" strike include killing Assad
3) if not, why
4) which option reduces net suffering
5) cost, which option is cheapest
6) how would diplomacy be affected

My Life, Lately

what I think, say, and do

I read

books (Goal: b.a.d. : book-a-day)
22 volumes World Book,  then-
30 volumes of 2010 Encyc. Britannica (library reference section),
daily hour with atlas
and 1001 books 'you must read before you die",
then True Crime encyclopedia

news
daily NY Times
weekly Economist, Christian Science Monitor
Foreign Affairs (every other month)

online: Huffington Post, Yahoo, CNN

book larnin': martial arts/self-defense
languages (review spanish, learn french, etc.),
new words (slang dictionary, OED)
occasional children's book 

self-assigned homework:
(daily fiction book, hour atlas review, 100 pp. encyclopedia, new word)
currently-
Sweet Tooth, by Ian McEwan.
'A' volume, WB '12.

sleep
early to bed, early to rise (7 hours sleep, 10p -5a)

exercise
daily run, push-ups, situps
Y -daily cardio, and alternating swim/ weightlifting
yoga

meditate
20 minutes, every morning
weekly, BSC (berkeley shambhala center, wednesdays)

online routine: e-mail, okcupid, blog, J! archive, onion

eat: $10/day limit,
MWF McGee lunches, monthly BFP (food pantry)
R taco and horchata, occasional froyo/papa john's pizza slice
cook pasta, beans, meat at Sara's (tupperware)

social life:
okcupid dates
W kaiser group, 10:30a
lunch with Walter
billiards w/ Caitlyn
tennis w/ Mesfin
meetup groups
-go camping, hiking
-volunteer

write:
blog
journal
notebooks

entertainment:
kalx entertainment calendar, read thrice daily
california academy of sciences, rialto cinema (free passes)
occasional theater movie
netflix, ted, youtube, library movie rental
weekly philosophy talk (sundays at 10a, KALW)
weekly Joe Frank, on kdvs
daily music (library cd, weekly hearts of space, morning radio)
(whrb, wmbr, kalx, kzsu, gdradio, kcpr, ksdt, kdvs, kzsc, npr)
people magazine, mad magazine, national geographic
jokes.com (comedy central archive)
arts/craft in oakland (rps collective), w/ walter
weekly Ca lottery

 travel
Auburn, visit T and Bruce
Burlingame, lunch w/dad
SF, lunch w/ mom
San Rafael, coffee w/ Aimee
Oakland, meals with Sara and Pierre, walk Marcel
San Leandro, walk Fido and Taco
Concord, meal w/ the Schaefers

good news and bad news

what do you want to hear, first?

a 283 million dollar B-1 aircraft just crashed.  that's alot of money up in smoke.

the rate of suicide bombings in iraq has gone from 5-10 per month, to 30.
that's one idiot blowing himself up Every Single Day.  Argh.  craziness.
and they call ME crazy.  Geezus.

my friend bruce is in the hospital, in Auburn.

on the other  hand,
-my mom and dad both/each had birthdays recently, which were kinda fun.
-My birthday is next month.  gonna eat burmese food for the first time.
-i've got a date on Saturday

Hello

Hell and God

God uses the carrot (the prospect of eternal bliss in heaven)
and the stick (the possibility of eternal torment in hell)
to modify human behavior.

It's all in a single word: hello.
life starts with hell (painful childbirth) and, of course, with heaven (o for orgasm, for conception)

I would say it ends in neither, simple non-existence, back to what we were before we were conceived, to dust, to decay, to rot, to buried bones; in a word: oblivion.

Of course, some of us leave cultural footprints: art, dna, memories, writings, what-have-you.

a fellow bellows: hello, mellow yellow jello!

anyway, what I was saying, O, as in OMG, is thus a symbol for God, or love.

and hell is, well we all know, right?  pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish...
some think there's an actual place of eternal damnation, with circles, for sinners (which seems to be all of us, if that's any comfort) who don't accept christ, or maybe those who don't accept allah, or god knows what else, as they say.  Eating calamari and having tattoos and calling your brother 'raca' are all prohibited, for example.  What a joke, if you ask me.

E.T. thus stands for eternal torment, or worse -eternal torture-, in addition to extra-terrestrial (meaning external to earth).  It also stands for Ellen Trainor, my college flame.  Hello, if you're out there, lol.  Or hi, if you prefer.

Maybe the price of power is pain, in which case God -the all-powerful- is in hell, and for whom love is therefore absolutely required, necessary, and demanded of all of us. 

Unjust torture seems like it would hurt even more.   Torturing God, the only good being in the universe, is truly an abomination.  A word with it's own heinous meanings embedded within it, as well: (a-bomb in nation).   Y' know, I really don't need Kim Jong Un threatening me (for example).

So crime, sin, torture, cruelty, war, murder, bloodshed, bullying, victimization, rape, injustice, are all hellish and rotten and evil, and deserve to be punished, but god is loving and merciful and kind and good, even to the devil, I guess.   Which means the devil rules the roost.  It's the collective will and effort for goodness, betterment, improvement, progress, development against the spite and hate and malice and unceasing will to vengeance and destruction and pain, that lies in the heart of even God. 

updated okcupid profile

of yours truly, jesswimmer

I'm pursuing an 'athletic' body type at the Y. If I'm not having sex, then at least I've got endorphins! I'm looking for a smart and happy woman to enjoy life with. I love to read, listen to music, eat well, and be in nature.

I have two projects I'm working on:
1)read a book-a-day, and 2)writing my blog (a fun hobby).
-the booklist is from '1001 books you must read before you die'
-the blog is at http://jesseteshara.blogspot.com.
(the most popular post is called "movies with 'God' in the title")
You are cordially invited to visit, of course.

A quote I like is "I have always thought heaven to be a kind of library." (-Borges). The library of congress has over 32 million books. One book a day for the next 80 years is around 29 thousand (that's only .09125 percent) Too bad I don't believe in heaven, right? A good book is heaven, of course, and so are good relationships. I just learned to speedread, but it would take a book a minute for 16 hours a day, for 80 years (!). The only heaven is what we make of earth. And, of course, ourselves.

Genie fantasy: Wouldn't teleporting, time freeze, and time travel (fwd. or back) be fun? And immortality, too. I'm pretty sure none of that is gonna happen either, though. Nobody escapes oblivion. But a book can be a kind of teleportation device.

ANyway, I got a BA in IR from UCD, minored in espanol. I've been to China, and would love to keep traveling. I spent many childhood summers in the redwoods by the Russian river, and love hiking and camping. Among other things I like are documentaries, animation, nature shows, taiko drums, cirque du soleil. I grew up in San Francisco, and have family there. I love the bay area, and Berkeley's fantastic.

What I'm doing with my life

I'd like to raise a family, but until then, I'm getting in shape, living cheaply, reading, writing my blog, staying informed. I frequently frequent the library. I read the New York Times just about every day. The Economist and Christian Science Monitor are my other two main sources of keeping up to date. Musically, I like college radio alot, which I listen to online. I hardly ever watch tv. Some magazines I like are People, Mad, National Geographic, Foreign Affairs. I occasionally meditate with Berkeley Shambhala. 

I'm really good at

Writing, and being a student (I'm not enrolled anywhere, though). I won a journalism award in high school and a scholarship to Cal. I tested genius once. Staying busy. I'm told (by a psychologist) I'm the kind of personality that keeps on goin', no matter what trials and tribulations life throws at me. I was voted Most Kind, once. 

The first things people usually notice about me

Why my aura and my chakra and my chi, of course.
Or maybe: I have blue eyes. And my left ankle doesn't bend. 

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books:
-I'll read anything, but I'll say: Douglas Adams, Isabel Allende, Dostoevsky, Jonathan Franzen, Gabriel Garcia Marques, Anne Rice, Michael Moorcock, Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain, Jorge Amado, Jane Austen, Alejo Carpentier, Terry Pratchett, for starters. The Sand County Almanac. The Laws Field Guide to the Sierra Nevada.
-I like learning new words and slang, new languages, short stories, true crime, horror/fantasy, and perusing an atlas.

Movies:I used to go to the yearly Spike and Mike animation festival in Sacramento. Fantastic Planet, Grave of the Fireflies.
I saw, and liked, Cabin In the Woods, Dark Shadows, Samsara, Searching for Sugarman, and Monsters U.
Shows: I youtube, netflix, and ted.

Music: I like it all, basically. I use cordless headphones. I listen to music while I bike around town, while I work out, while I'm online, pretty much all the time. Occasionally while I sleep, even. I still listen to cds and radio (oldschool!). I listen to philosophy talk and joe frank, too, on weekends.

Food: sushi, thai, indian, chinese, mexican, ethiopian, pizza, italian, burgers, barbeque. And sweets (like frozen yogurt). I haven't been to Burmese, yet. 

The six things I could never do without

1)basic needs (food, air, shelter, clothing, clean water, sanitation)
2)others (people, pets, friends, family, dating)
3)cheer (happiness, humor, smiles, laughter, joy, bliss, fun, play :)
4)stimulus (i.e. books, magazines, music, movies, the internet, the library, my blog)
5)love (God? Truth? Reality?),
or liberty. either one. freedom from suffering.
6)money, I suppose.

-of course, the Buddhists say these are cravings or 'attachments', so maybe I should just stick to life and health. L'chaim! 

I spend a lot of time thinking about

-love, god, religion, spirituality.
-international relations, foreign affairs, current events, news
-fitness, health 

On a typical Friday night I am

The same thing as every day, Brain:
Listening to music, lost in a book, surfing, or swimming. 

The most private thing I'm willing to admit

I'm adopted (which is one reason I'm pro-life)

I'm looking for 

• Girls who like guys
• Ages 23–45
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, long-distance penpal

You should contact me if:
-you want a new friend, or think I'm sexy.
-You don't smoke
-You are not a tv addict

-If you are a Pisces, Taurus, Capricorn, Cancer, Scorpio, or Virgo.
-even more points if you're a Rabbit or Sheep:
chinese astrology -
Rabbits are ('63, '75,'87)
Sheep are ('67, '79, '91),
while other Boars -bad!- are ('71,'83)
-I don't know if I really buy all this astrology hooha, but I thought I'd post it, all the same.

Consciousness

Entering my ruminations on consciousness into the collective un- (!)

What I write is often what people are thinking to themselves, but leaving unsaid, I've been told.
So maybe my thoughts are the "collective unconscious" (a jungian concept)
Bill Gates has a collection of archetypes, I think.
that might be fun to peruse someday-
I think, therefore I am (I think)
I once believed (the delusion) that everybody knew what I was thinking...
"It is better to be silent and be thought stupid, than to speak and remove all doubt."
Einstein has quotes that says human stupidity is infinite, and that reality is a persistent illusion.
So maybe what he's really saying is human knowledge is infinite.
Einstein kind of sounds like he was a stuck-up asshole, if you ask me.
War IS nothing but an act of murder, in my opinion, but so is meat.

maybe my thoughts are just picked up/gleaned from others, rather than my thoughts being the source.
or maybe I am/my mind is, a source for others, while still having a (personal, external) source, too.
there's some funky dynamic going on, of that I'm sure.  hard to define, or pin down.

Does all matter have consciousness?
I am made of matter (and only matter), and I have it.
So why shouldn't my dinner have consciousness, before it gets eaten by me and becomes me?
did I just convert the problem of consciousness into the mystery of the eucharist?

do plants have consciousness?  does water?  I've read they do, in fact.
so do individual atoms have it?  where do you draw the line?
how does it arise from dna?

I recently read that humans know how to do just about everything we can dream of,  like time travel or teleportation,  immortality, or even conscious machines.  God is love, and love believes all things (!).

You could be a conscious computer

If robots roamed about, with the knowledge of all the world's libraries and the internet both at their disposal and KNOWN, we would feel very stupid indeed.   That's probably why AI seems retarded, and doesn't pass the Turing test.   A suave, debonair automaton who answered every jeopardy question, won every chess game, and that could impersonate every personality, for starters, would be just too weird and intimidating.   It might not be omniscient, but the totality of human knowledge would seem to come close, I would think.   Then again, there's the adage, the more you know, the more that you know you don't know (did I make that up?).  Ha.

God is a corporation

Godco

The word of God has many authors
God refers to himself in the plural
There are many Gods

also
Jesus is now dead, unless you consider him 'christianity' (the "body of christ", like the "body politic")
"good" is a social construct.
each religion has its own God, which is collectively defined and re-defined by the entire community

also
God is one....but is one plural?

How many people are in your head?  At least two, in my case, in my opinion.
(but I'm working on it) (it being psychic eviction)
maybe the mind is inherently shared (everyone's?)

music
there's someone in my head but it's not me -Pink Floyd
I'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can't change.. -The Verve
I am the walrus, kookoo ka choo (lol) -the beatles

then again,
I am Jesse (Jesus, Chuy, Isai) (the whole office of the eucharist, god makes forget)
and
I am Teshara (as earth) (t' share uh)

I say we're all God, but maybe I'm more God than others
most people who say they are god are crazy, but I think I'm logically coherent.
we are each the center of our own universe
I'm more of a god of my world than yours, maybe
one's world impinges on others through memes, dreams, telepathy, law, interaction
all I'm really saying is I am good
but I believe in basic goodness, so that's not saying much

what is the purpose of telepathy?

what I suspect it's for (a supposition, a theory)

it's also called schizophrenia.  mind to mind conversation.
some people think it's God talking to  them.
The opposite of prayer, when you talk to God (and presumably he can hear you)
some people think it's the devil.  hearing a voice, then, is like being possessed.
or maybe spirits, or angels, or demons, if not just the thoughts of someone you know.

I think my voice is David.  David Eldridge.  David Andrew Eldridge.
He said he was a "natural psychologist," and something about a "global telepath"
I want to be healthy.  I want him to shut the hell up.

I met someone who calls being healed of schizophrenia, "being delivered."
I'm not in that culture, but whatever it is, whatever you want to call it, I hope it happens.
Remission.  Sanity.

They say 40% of college students report hearing voices.
I believe everybody experiences some form of "psychosis."  like dreams.
Dreams, at least some of them, come from outside our heads, in my opinion.
If your head can pick up visions, it can pick up auditory hallucinations, too.

Why do I think David talks to me (in my head, I mean)?
maybe just to bug me.  he's said he hates me.  just because he can.
I think he hates me because I keep telling him to shut up, so it's a vicious circle.

David has said he (and I) are vampires. 
That vampire show on hbo features telepaths (I don't remember the details)
The movie Vampires (John Carpenter's) also features telepaths.
Buffy the vampire slayer, and South Park address it, too.
The voice, the vice, can be "draining", depending how one reacts to it.

but maybe also, because he's an attorney, it's used to influence judges or juries,
or maybe, after prosecution-
to aggravate, to torment, to cause misery, to punish, to intimidate, to scare.
he's said (v's):
I'm at war, Jess
I'm the devil, Jess
so the voice, I guess, is part of a hardcore psychological warfare attempt to control and influence people's experience and opinions.  Mind control.  Maybe even the "collective unconscious" (to borrow from Carl Jung)

by this, I mean he's being "mental" to make prisoners feel worse (or better),  to further justice.

It influences:
-sports (karma for rewarding, punishing the best behaved fans?)
-law, politics, government (executive, legislative, judicial), elections, voting, public opinion.
court cases -judges, juries, lawyers
-international relations, war, psy-ops, deception, national interests
-money

I think money is the root of a lot (most?) of the craziness.
I'd like to think it's helping, not aggravating, the situation.
But maybe that just depends on me.
I was a third world development guy in college.
peace out.

also, How? does it work-
is it in real time, or is it preprogrammed (such as while we sleep?), or maybe both-
is it by minds, computers, or both-
is my mind "broken", like a code, or maybe even like a heart?
(does my brain have a frequency, is it microwaves, "vibes")
what is it when your ears ring, the tone of which has been used in movies..
is david my "source"?
is there a technical difference between the voice in, and voice out?
is this a literal "open-minded" vs. "closed-minded"
is being closed-minded, then, actually healthy? despite the parachute bumper sticker..
("minds are like parachutes, they only work when open")
Who vocalizes my unverbalized thought, and does anyone hear my vocalized thoughts?
is Everyone a telepath? on some level?  how does it work?  do drugs change the picture?
how many people are in my head, lol?  does it change?
I think David has a plural sense of identity, and thinks of me as an extension of himself.
"get out of my face"...I am not a battery.

recent voices (still the same shit, really)
interesting, jess
i can't breathe, Jesse
i'm sorry
i don't know you
i can't believe you
i think you're stupid
david is disturbed
david is insane, allright Jesse
david is scared jesse
sorry, Jess
david screaming Jesse
i hate you
ow
ow, Jesse
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you...
david is dead
david crying, jesse
david is crying
allright, Jesse
oh my god, oh my god...
i'm killing myself, Jesse
I'm going to hell
I can't stop talking
I've had enough of your law
y'know what?  i'm sick jesse

someday, maybe all this shit will stop, and I will be well.
Of course, I think i'm already well, and that it's david who is sick.
I'm just unfortunate enough to have him in my head.

Snowden, Privacy, and Schizophrenia

The right to privacy is -but shouldn't be- a farce

The internet & cell phone calls  are all recorded, as I understand it, by the NSA (national security agency; national= USA).   You are being monitored.   I am.  I would even say people "off the grid" are, too, but I'll get to that later.  I assume it's all filtered by cleverly programmed computers to separate out and identify potential threats, according to military/security algorithms (I don't really know what an algorithm is, but I think that's the right word).  Words, phrases, people who have criminal records, international contact, suspects, persons of interest, people with power/authority...

As this blog points out, we are all powerful.  Gods, in fact.  Potential threats, and potential peacemakers, too.  None of us are alone.  If you believe in prayer, you believe someone is in your head, listening to what you think.  Religion, like politics, is also a method of social control.  The bible says to never stop praying.  Never stop thinking.  Feed the telepath.  Knowledge is power.

The movie 'the matrix' describes the metaphor of people as batteries, feeding the machine.  Pink Floyd sings, welcome to the machine.  I think reality is a kind of computer.  Our brains are, anyway.  I am one of those crazies who actually believes we live in a matrix.  Not that reality is an illusion, but that it is a construct.  I believe I am "a piece of work."  I also think society, even our planet, (I won't say universe, because that has no limit), is a result of conscious effort, of history, of forces, and -yes- computers.  Certainly all our minds collectively create the experience of each moment.

My reality (I don't claim to know what yours is) is a kind of relationship between Morpheus (the god of dreams -life is but a) and Neo ("one", an individual, or God, like everybody else).  This is just glamorizing the fact that I have no privacy.  I'm pretty sure you don't, either.   Not everyone is "mental," as the saying goes,  but everyone has been studied, and I would say most of us are predictable.  We are things.  Human beings are animals, subject to psychology, sociology, and zoology.   So I'm guessing Fate can be gleaned by and from the Hannibal Lecters among us, the psychologically sophisticated, if not by the ever-more powerful computers that are coming online, that can read us (our vibes, our thoughts), if not play us like the chess pieces (which kind do you identify with?) they're so good at strategizing for.   Is life a game?  Can the rules be systematized?  I thinks so.  Law is a part of that.

Anyway, here's a sample of my schizophrenia, from yesterday, when David (my voice) was really getting crazy:
I hate my life
I hate law
I hate my law
I hate my world
I hate my soul
I hate myself
I hate you
I hate my mind
I hate my name
I hate my hate
I hate mine
I'm crying
I hate you, Jesse
david swearing insane
david screaming in pain
david is dead jess
david is crying jess
i'm swallow
i can't breathe
life is really bad, jess
ow, jesse
david is sorrow to you

The voice has stopped mostly, today, and I'm having a good day.  But occasionally this shit takes over, and I need to employ coping strategies from my cbt kaiser class, such as:
(behavioral interventions)

-an earplug in one ear
-background noise, like a fan
-listen to music
-meditation
-exercise (distracts us from focusing on our minds to, instead, focusing on our bodies)
-watch tv (unless it's a trigger), or play a videogame
-go for a walk
-hygiene (brush teeth, brush hair)-focus on breath
-choose to be around nice people, environment/atmosphere affects how we feel, can make voices worse.
-play a musical instrument, hum
h2o
-water therapy (shower, bath, wash face)
-drink/chug a glass of water,
-go swimming
etc. :
-walk on ocean beach, around lake, creeks/river/streams
-white water rafting, waterskiing, surfing!
-fishing
-slip n slide, water balloons, squirt guns

Library Treats

Heaven has a library

8 categories of freebies available for your amusement, entertainment, edification, and education!
-books
-magazines
-movies
-music
-computer time
-audiobooks
-lectures
-newspapers

books
-books are teleportation devices (time/space/alternate universe travel)
-the reader becomes another of the author's characters
-books are to the mind what exercise is to the body (learn to speedread!)
-free education! outsmart the phd's!
-up, up and quit your books!  too much reading is wearying to the flesh.
-one a day is all we ask! (which comes to around 29k in 80 years)
-it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
-fiat bux! all books digitally available for everyone! (including prisoners) censorship, bad!

I'm currently reading Economix, by Michael Goodwin
(how our economy works -and doesn't work-, in words and pictures)
illustrated by Dan E. Burr

what floats my boat

my own personal "heaven"

I don't believe in an afterlife, except maybe a concept of the future in relation to the eternal now.

A plan to be happy, before oblivion, therefore is:

1)good books (award winners, recommended, well-written stuff I can get lost in)
(a book can be considered a teleportation device!)
2)good relationships (love)
3)good service (heaven is what we make of the earth)
and
4)being selfish (heaven is largely what we make of ourselves, just as hell is largely in our heads)
...slavish pursuit of money seems counterproductive to me.
being happy consists mainly of being content with what one has.
I think that is a central tenet of buddhism (not having craving/aversion)
I meditate weekly, on wednesday evenings, with the BSC (shambhala)

stimulus: A library, whose contents are all free, is a source of joy for me
(an album of music, book, and newspaper per day)
(weekly economist, christian science monitor)
(foreign affairs magazine, every other month) 

exercise: endorphins, looking good-feeling good, losing my gut, getting fit, being physically strong, is a result of the Y (35 bucks a month), swimming, and I also would like to start going to yoga (yttp -yoga to the people- is a free/donation-based service, also downtown)

diet: eating healthy, portion control, avoiding soda/junk food, comes from wise daily decisions throughout the day.

the "dream": Despite being happy with my current status,
I still would like to strive for -even better-:
job, income, house, car, wife, kid(s), wellness (mentally, physically)

but for now,
I'll just practice 'early to bed, early to rise',
walking dogs (MFT -Marcel, Fido & Taco)
volunteering
family, friends, dating
camping, hiking
writing

argh

"2 billion people on this planet do not have clean drinking water, and that water could have been supplied to them for about one-fifth of the cost of the Iraq war."

that's all i wanted to say.  it deserves it's own focus/attention, I think.

8 Goals

for me, but you're welcome to adopt them, too.

1)be cheerful ("sunny") -yellow, like the sun

2)go to nature (green, like trees/chlorophyll)

3)grounded (brown, like dirt)
"I pray that, according to the riches of his glory, he may grant that you may be strengthened in your inner being with power through his Spirit, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love. I pray that you may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

 4)healthy (physically, mentally - ACE: awake, curious, engaged.) (purple, top goal)

5)creative (red)

6)informed (blue, because the newspaper's messages are so often depressing)

7)friendly, social (orange)

8)motivated (black) for a)money, and b)love.

Self-Improvement

Beating the odds, getting better/sane/well

I have a disability, schizoaffective disorder (bipolar plus schizophrenia)-
I take olanzapine (30 mg/ day), and risperidone (1 mg/day),
and I'm doing well; my symptoms (voice, head-shocks, & occasionally pain) have been minimal, of late.  I almost feel sane.
(aside: in the Is this a joke category: my voice said 'you are well, jess')
what to make of that, right?  I mean, the voice IS (largely) my illness.  ugh.
I've been diagnosed with mental illness since '94...

Disability has been good to me: paid meds, kaiser, and almost 900 a month (my rent/utility is 500), discount Y membership (35/mo), and red bart passes ($24 for $9).  Plus free time to do whatever:  I read the NY times/economist/csmonitor/foreign affairs, my 1001 book list, write my blog, and listen to a lot of music (I have 11 stations I surf on my computer's itunes that I listen to with cordless headphones).

The 11 stations are Cal, Stanford, MIT, Harvard, UCLA, CalPoly, UCDavis, UCSantaCruz, Rhode Island,  UCSanDiego, and the Grateful Dead.

My current reading list is:
Unexplained Mysteries of WWII, by William B. Breuer
Unseen Academicals, by Terry Pratchett

I'd like to read an encyclopedia set, and all of Shakespeare, and Proust.
and El Reino de este Mundo (in english) by the author of the lost steps (which I read in college) Alejo Carpentier.
and Anxiety Disorders and Phobias, a cognitive perspective, by Beck, Emory, Greenberg.

I am hopeful that all my symptoms will remit, and I can rejoin the working world as a happily employed, pms (productive member of society).   I still want to raise a family, and have things like a house, a car, and savings (for things like travel, or kids going to college). I don't like feeling I'm a leach on the government or  taxpayers.  I'd feel better contributing to the tax base, instead.

My wellness recovery action plan (wrap) includes:
meetup.com
okcupid
volunteermatch
berkeley shambhala center
YMCA
people's yoga
superbetter
kaiser
and this, my blog.

I like my life.  I'm largely content.
But at the same time, I'd like to keep hope alive that it can be even better.

atheists going to hell

God weighs in
(the vatican recently corrected (?) the Pope on this)

atheists don't believe god exists
but i bet they believe love exists
if only when "making love"
so probably there's just a misunderstanding
i love myself, which is just another way of making myself god.

but for love to endure, all the time, some help is necessary-
we can all use a little help from our friends (the church),
with our relationships, even if only our relationship with ourselves.
they have an amazing program of spells and hypnotic rituals,
that can make believers out of children, priests, billions of adults,
and couples whose love is maintained and grown in a religious context.

self-reliance might not be enough.
two gods married to each other are bound to have some epic conflict,
unless one or both submit to a "higher power"
god the father (catholic priests are called Father)
looks after/over (altars are usually elevated) his flock of sheeple,
hears confession, offers advice and wisdom,
jokes, and interpretation of the "word of god".
Some people have "high-powered perception",
like the fictional hannibal lecter.
a lector is a reader in the catholic mass, by the way.

the church believes in a postulated (not proved),
preternatural (outside/beyond nature, or highly abnormal),
supernatural, immortal being.
Which is just a way, to me, of saying that all of reality has it's own consciousness.
Reality is immortal, lol.

just as sperm have consciousness, or the fauna in our gut (with it's own dna) does its own thing, there are different "levels" of consciousness: such as shared, heightened consciousness between two people during sex, or a "body" politic, or a colony of ants, or a country at war, or an ecosystem, or a family at dinner, or the way people's conversation intermingles at a restaurant, etc.  Mass is just another communal experience.  Literally.   I think sub-atomic particles have their own kind of life, feeling good or otherwise.  Food can be "crazy good" or "insanely delicious", which can be interpreted madly.

Great food is Gr-eat.  You know what I "mean".  The eucharist is a way of becoming one with the universe.   Jesse, the whole office of the eucharist.  Jesus, lord of hosts.  L or D, life or death.  One piece (third?) of the puzzle that is the trinity.  The universe is infinite (the only thing that is, in fact), so reality is God.  You'll be dead forever.  Wormfood for just a short time.  But just as the "body of christ" is the body of christian believers, outlasting Jesus himself, just as a book outlives its author, so too, they say, souls outlive our bodies.

I don't believe this.  I also don't believe in myself.  God is an atheist, lol.  I actually believe in "soulmates", though. 

To explain,
I'm not always number one.  Maybe god is a rotating position.  Most powerful human.  In high school, I was ranked first in one math test, once.

I consider "God" to be like a vampyr, or vampire, a creature from folklore and superstition, which includes ghosts, angels, the devil, and underpants gnomes.  And santa, the easter bunny, and the tooth fairy.  Only virtually real.  Belief is powerful (and can be contagious, too).   Roles your parents play.  God the Father (priest) plays the role of god, and that's a good thing.  These roles have elements of truth.  If they are believed, they are "true lies" (virtually true).  Put the virtue in virtual, is what I'm saying.  We live to love, so this hypnosis hits home.

The common understanding of a lie is any untruth. lying is to tell an untruth.  But there are two understandings, or definitions, of a lie.  To knowingly tell a falsehood.  A known falsehood.   A statement must be entirely true to be true.

The truth of an assertion depends on its words, and their meaning.  Meaning is fluid, both intended and received.  Something can be true/untrue, for different people?

E.g., "I am a good person"  This is not entirely true.  Kind to one person, cruel to another.   The bible says, "no one is good but God".    Be good= Do good.   Catholics have the sacrament of reconciliation.  It's a good thing.   I'm not a psychopath, so guilt draws me back to God (as other).  "surely this thing is known".   Hell is separation from God, they say.  Feeling unforgiven is a kind of hell.  Incarceration can be, too.  car.  Record.  wreck.  Gnosis.  no sis.  SS, flipped from schutzstaffel (bad) to support system (good).   Sarah Salazar.  The church has forgiven me, so I'm back on top.  God, again (if not holy, divine, sacred: respected and held in high regard).  helled.  wreck-onsillyation.  It, stephen king. I don't think I ever had a soul to lose/sell.   Do hammerhead sharks have souls?  maybe sole, eh?

Going to hell can mean suffering (like stubbing your toe or hitting your head), or causing pain for another, as in "I am going to hell you".   atheism anagrams to hateism.  Heart is hater.  If you're not forgiven, you might get a heart attack!  Don't be a hater.  It only causes pain. 

fun link from the onion about hell

getting organized

my memorial day

aka getting my shit together

exercise: in my room, walk-run-bike on the street, to the park/Y, freeweights or cardio (swim, elliptical, stationary bike).

"good"/"bad" (it's mostly just in your head): right, wrong.
right, left
healthy, sick/ill/diseased
sane, insane (legally) vs. potty, batty, goofy :-)
well, unwell
curiosity/engagement, bored/boring
communication, silence
(words, expressions, idioms, curriculum, teachers, instruction, speech, discussion)

stimulus
people (looks, charisma, sex<)
food, drugs, music, books/mags/paper
meditation, focus, multitasking

feelings
emotional:
sad/depressed/mournful; emptiness, fatalistic, nausea, sense of absurd.
happy, elated, "high", bliss, love-bliss

biochemicals
endorphins, neurotransmitters

Weird Names

of people I've met

Four (1st name)
French (last name), Holland (last), Israel (first)
Koran (first), Sheikh Threatt (full name)
Aka (Nigerian for 'hand of god')
Fire (first), Starfire (last), Siva (first)
Fries (last), Brie (first), Edom (last)
Hennessy (last), Brandi (first)
Duv (duvlaca), Kat (kaitlyn)
'Fish' is a kalx deejay.  Kathy Gill.
I saw a 'mosquito' on tv (dance show), and there's Dog, bounty hunter
There's Apple (gwyneth paltrow and chris martin's kid) and Halle Berry.  
I met a Ramen recently, and a Strawberry, too.
Bear (oso), Parrot, Tiger
Stormy (first)

thankyou God for your god, my god (!?)
thank you, yet no thank you-

happy memorial day!

 jog, jumping
learn, live, love, laugh
music, mating, monkeys, making crafts
relax, rpg's (role-playing games)
sleep, sports
tea, talk

vegan and bacon, both good

Successful Marriage

for Catholics, according to Rev. Frank Pavone
founder, Priests for Life

"In Christian marriage, one's spouse is one's "Number Two" while the only "Number One" is God.  CM.com is laying the groundwork so that in loving God, future spouses may find the only way to adequately love each other."

my interpretation-
If you're in love with life, the universe, and everything, (reality is the only God there ever is) then...
1)anybody will do
2)"Number Two" is Jesus (10,5,19,21,19) (for Frank, anyway)
3)he's making the church the "holy spirit," instead of say, Buddism
(Catholicism is the "only"? way)

I think my way, of two Gods loving each other, is just as good.
Maybe I'm wrong, though.
Things might be better if you're both manifestations of the same God.
I grok!

Iraq War

3/20/03-12/18/11 (at 4:27 coordinated universal time -UTC)

8 years, 8 months, 3weeks
2 presidents (W and B.H.O., from 1/20/11)
7888 U.S. dead (4488 military, 3400 security contractors)
1,455,590 iraqis dead -according to JustForeignPolicy.org

although
wikipedia says 37,405 iraqis dead
(11k invasion plus 26,405 post-saddam)
and
ORB (opinion research business survey/poll) says 1,033,000 idead
and
Iraq Body Count (using wikileak info) says 150,000 idead
(80% civilian)

not killed
51,139 americans injured/diseased/other medical
32,753 americans wounded

aside
360k U.S. vets suffered from TBI (traumatic brain injury)
in A/I (Iraq and Afghanistan)

I wasn't sure what this terminology referred to, exactly, so I looked up
the following (hope it helps):

-"To be hurt is to be experiencing pain It could be physical or emotional. You may feel pain from a bump on the head, a slap on the face, a pinch on the cheek but not actually be injured
-To be Injured means that there is something physically wrong as a result of the event. The injuries might be internal, and it is possible that you may not feel any pain, but there is Still something wrong.
-Wounded implies that the injury has an external component. The skin is broken and there is the presence of blood. Hurts and Injuries do not always require bandages, Wounds ALWAYS do."

Einstein quote:

("senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance...It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder")

War is stupid.

But, I admit, meat is murder, and I'm still a carnivore.

Hitler was a vegetarian.

I know people are animals, but I'm no hannibal the cannibal 
(or albert fish)

Eat the rich is an Aerosmith song, and a 1987 british black comedy film.

y'know, honestly, I wouldn't mind trying barbequed human, if they died of natural causes first.
I give you permission to eat me -AFTER I die-, if you like.

Triune God

I've filled out this form in triplicate

Today, according to the (catholic) priest at Berkeley Newman, is the celebration of the Trinity

23 threesomes:

God, devil, man
heaven, hell, purgatory
father, son, holy spirit
3 nails (jesus on the cross, feet/hand/hand)
faith, hope, love
endurance, character, hope (the consequences of suffering)
oral, anal, vaginal
alive, dead, undead
past, present, future
executive, legislative, judicial
win, lose, draw
me, myself, and I
naked, wholesome, sincere
good, bad, ugly
spacetime, energy, matter
here, there, everywhere
thought, word, deed
peace, love, happiness
liberty, equality, fraternity
veni, vidi, vici
sex, drugs, and rock and roll
eat, drink, and be merry
sun, moon, and stars

"It's All Your Fault"

some a-hole told me that

sanity: it's definitely not!

but, if you suffer this delusion, and the newspaper is pronounce 'noosepaper'
and you've had enough of the litany of horror that is the daily news...
then maybe you have suicidal ideation:

numbers to call:
kaiser oakland, suicide line: 510-752-5000
kaiser oakland, psychiatric emergency: 752-1075, ext. 2
kaiser san francisco, 415-781-0500
city of berkeley Mobile Crisis Team, 510-981-5254
"leave a message on the voicemail.  We check for messages frequently"
also
510-981-5900
"for Quick Service, this number connects you to the Berkeley Police Dept, which will contact the Mobile Crisis Team for you"
TDD 510-981-5799

other N. California Suicide Prevention #'s (24 hours a day)
Sacramento, 368-3111
Auburn, 885-2300
Roseville, 773-3111
Lincoln, 645-8866
 
the national helpline is 1-800-SUICIDE

my blood is not cold.

an interesting link on EXTENDING your lifespan:
(a Ted talk, click this link)

The Pledge of Allegiance

a revised, updated, modern version

I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of the World
and to the Unity
for which it stands
One Planet
under God (or "over God", if you prefer)
indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

(don't worry, I still love America)

what i'm up to

about 6'1...

walking marcel, enjoying my new computer, making friends, reading about aikido (the elements of aikido, greg o'connor), going postal by terry pratchett (humor), the new york times, watching young 'cere on youtube (he has a cd coming out), cardio at the Y, buying a slice of pizza (papa john's), jedi bicycling through berkeley and oakland, thinking about going back to work, trying to be healthy, messaging my brother in thailand, putting up art in my room, and eating TJ and McGee food, too.

B words

"on" my mind, of late

I bike, bart, and bus
bitches, broads, babes
barbie, baby
barbeques, beers, birthdays, babies
body building, big and bad, burly and buff
black and blue and brown
bare, bear
bright, brilliant
bills
 

Julu?

synonyms for sweetheart

ravisher, smasher, stunner, peach, looker, knockout, dish, beauty, mantrap, steady, sweetie
truelove

The Next Big Thing

Page Talk (an app?)

It's this: A service where you could click a key or a button or a link, and your page will be visible to a service that has people who will read that page aloud to you, as if you were on a phone call (so you could say could u repeat that) or (what does that word mean) or (talk slower, or talk faster) or you could buy a recording of what the reader said, if you like the way (he/she) said it, especially.
Some readers might like to work for free, others paid (by hour, or by feedback rating, or -of course- Demand).

I always liked it when my dad read to me as a child, and sometimes it's more fun to hear the cadence of a voice than to be in your head all the time, reading "subvocally" as so many of us do, or being embarrassed by having people watch inexperienced readers move their lips while they read.  Spoken word can be more easily understood, sometimes.

If created, I would like to be credited as the inventor, if not the designer (my tech skills are limited to creating my blog), and hopefully get some remuneration.

What do you all think?  Has this been thought of already?
-Jesse L. Teshara

Out Patient

I have an IOP followup at Kaiser

for 3-4 weeks, MWF 9a-noon, starting F 5-17-13.
I ate a piece of a pot brownie, stupidly, because I didn't keep in mind my first experience with pot (negative: kicking a mattress repeatedly), and didn't know the potency, or what kind of pot it was (indica is mellow, while sativa can make you paranoid).  I'm guessing sativa.  Also, it may have been a factor in causing me to get a diagnosis of bipolar, then schizophrenia (my birthmom is schizophrenic, so I'm genetically susceptible/predisposed) so revisiting the stuff can't be good (for me).  The thc (tetra hydra cannabinol), or as I call it -bubonic chronic- really freaked me out.  It brought back my horrifying nightmarish experience (component, it wasn't ALL bad) in jail and Atascadero State Hospital, where I thought I was going to hell, which was the hell itself. 

Aside (on hell).   The bible says you'll go to hell if you get a tattoo.  What that means is simply that tattoos are painful!  So it's only hellish while they stick the needles in you (unless you're a masochist).  I think it was Milton (Paradise Lost) that said you can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven, it's all in the mind.  Hell in a brownie, you say?  At least it tasted good.

anyway, IOP stands for Intensive Outpatient Program, in reference to the fact that I am "out" of the psychiatric facility (Telecare), and back in the saddle again, so to speak.  The appointment confirmation e-mail says Out Patient, which is a little different.  I am not outside (at the moment), nor am I an out of the closet homosexual.  I suppose I am an outlier, in some respects.

I'm not in, either.  Homosexuality can be defined 3 ways: Identity, Behavior, and Nature (inherent, born that way).  One can meet one, some, or all 3 of the criteria.  That is to say, you can consider yourself to be homosexual.  You can engage in homosexual activity.  Or you can be (a) homosexual.

In my humble opinion, Identity is a delusion, Behavior is like any other behavior (from blinking, to crossing the street, although I personally think anal sex is probably usually -for most people- unpleasant, and somewhat gross, especially if there's fecal matter involved), and Nature is like a congenital birth defect, which should properly be treated with compassion.  I don't think gay sex is "unnatural", because it happens in nature (everything that happens is natural).  I'm not homophobic -gays don't frighten me.  Being gay doesn't frighten me, either.  Unless you're a screaming queen in prison, for example.  Flaming, as they say.  Then you could get raped, abused, insulted, etc.  But acting gay is rightfully feared (as is heterosexual sex, for that matter), with AIDS as a possibility.  Homo means same, so taken literally, I'm not afraid of being the same as anyone else, theoretically.

The terminology, as far as I know, consists of bisexual, gay, lesbian, queer, transgender, and transvestite.   I suspect gays are no more happy than anyone else, despite the term.  The rainbow flag can be a symbol of gay pride, or it can evoke the biblical rainbow as a sign of hope.  There are pitchers, catchers, and versatile.  You can be one, two, or V.  I've read about Jesus as possibly working with the "brown chakra."  I also read online about a ballerina who preferred anal sex.   The three kinds of sex are oral, anal, and vaginal.  I don't consider hand jobs and oral sex to be sex, which I suppose is a view I share with Bill Clinton.

My history includes some homosexual activity (nothing anal, except putting my finger in my ass to see what the hell they were experiencing), living with homosexuals, growing up in San Francisco, watching 3 pride parades there, and reading Catcher in the Rye in high school and at Atascadero, from their library.  I've seen gay porn, and it looks completely boring and stupid and unexciting or stimulating.  A mechanical, passionless process of creating an orgasm.  I've been told I sound homosexual, years ago, by the cook at a room-and-board in Sacramento.  Gary was/is? his name.  I lived in the SOMA (south of market), and had a great orgasm being fellated while being scared of getting AIDS/HIV from Francisco's mouth.  Francesca, who I really wanted, left me in favor of some black guy, at the Cat club.  My best orgasm, I suppose, happened while I was masturbating in my room while thinking of being Bill Gates savaging a woman.  It was an effective fantasy, but not something I would want to actually do, or tolerate by anyone, ever.  I don't fantasize that way anymore.  A bit of personal revelation regarding my id versus my superego, there, if you give any credence to Sigmund.  Freud and fraud are similar words (in English), which I suppose is interesting. 

I am not homosexual.  I don't think they are sick or evil, but I do think they are often victims of the evolutionary heritage of competition between males for females.  The more males that are out of the running in the quest for a woman or women, the better the odds of hooking up.  One thing about Notre Dame University was that they had a 60-40 ratio of women to men (I think, maybe it was the other way around) back when I was applying for colleges, in '89 (I'm class of '89 from St. Ignatius College Preparatory).   ND was my first choice school (I got in), but money was a factor.  SI, interestingly, went co-ed the year after my class graduated (for the following year's freshmen).  I did not have or want any homosexual activity during high school.

In college, David wanted to make me switch teams, I think.  I was writing what I called the "master file" about power and dracula and I don't remember what else/ fuck all / god only knows.. when he came into my apartment because he knew my roommate, Jon Simms, who came out while living with us.  I went to his coming out party.  He (Jon) was Catholic, and went to the Newman center along with me and Erik Beever, my roommate on the lower bunk.  Bob Davis, the physics major, and I assume a physicist now, was the 4th roommate.  I liked Dave, then.  David said I was a vampire.  He called me a vampire.  He turned me on to Anne Rice.  I gave him a Count (Sesame Street) doll.  But I don't drink blood, and I am a humane human being, not a demon or cruel killer.  I truly resent this implication.  I have a dark side, as do we all, I think, but I wonder if my life might have been better if he hadn't labeled me that.  If he wasn't so smart and well-educated and well-connected, as a deputy attorney general for the state of California, I would sue him for defamation of character.  I believe he's fucked up my life.   On the other hand, I collect social security and disability, which affords me medicare parts A and B, and allows me to read and go to the library and the Y and write my blog.  That's my job, I guess, even though I only get 886 bucks a month.  I have a disability: schizophrenia.  The John Carpenter movie, Vampires, says a vampire can establish a telepathic link to his master.  That's what I believe David did.  Then again, maybe I was typing (on my Mackintosh) David's thoughts before I even knew him.  He was already in my head, or I in his, or both.  I think he thought (thinks?) I was (am?) his "soulmate."   Of course, I don't believe in souls (like a ghost inhabiting our body).  I do believe in telepathy, though.   I heard a voice in my head in second grade (St. Stephen's, in SF).  The process is not spiritual, it's physical (which is only a semantic difference).  Like radio or microwaves.  Or maybe entanglement, which Einstein had a hard time accepting. 

In any case, I did some reflection last night, in the spirit of the delphic motto "know thyself,"  and the result is not pretty.   When I asked David if he was afraid of the government knowing about his movie rental selections, (I think) he said they would be afraid of him.  In the same vein, when asked to characterize his psyche, he said "it's ugly".   Anyway, about me.  I've become somewhat asexual.  I masturbate infrequently, and sex itself is a rarity.  Maybe thrice in the last 4-5 years.  Which I guess is unusual, or literally "queer".  I have abnormal psychology, and (thus?) abnormal sexuality.  I'm happy with myself, but unhappy with David in my head.  I rarely have anyone else in my head.  I like it when it's just me.  I've always liked myself -self-esteem has never been a problem.  So I've been bi-curious, but I think, pretty sure, I've answered that question.  Not P, C, or V.   There are four types of male homosexual.  Simply put, I'm not gay (in any "way, shape, or form").  And I like it that way.

I've worn female clothes, of course.  I went to the farmer's market in Davis with a bunch of fellow Newmanites, dressed up in some wacky clothes from their yard sale.  And I've tried on woman's shirt (blouse?), inside my room.  It felt nice.  Sexually, that's almost irrelevent, though, in my opinion.  I don't want to be a woman, although it would be nice to (painlessly!) be able to produce a child, I guess.  I've wanted a kid for years and years, now.   The Jesuit priest who was the principal of SI said I'd make a good dad.  I like kids, I like kid-energy, I like to teach and read to kids, they're fun, and I'm seriously depressed-angry-frustrated-disappointed that I'm always by myself, with this stupid blog as my only child.  I have high school classmates with kids in high school, already.  I'm getting old.  I'm considering being a priest.   A Catholic one.  I don't want to be a virtual "Father", though.  I want a real kid, not a congregation to look after like a shepherd over his or her flock.   Ugh.  I've been to jail.  David called me a "dark agent."  I was charged with a felony (assault and battery, on 3 police officers), and I don't know what my legal status is.  I confess I've been a thief, too.  Starting with candy bars, when I was a kid.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church is utterly ridiculous to me, a heavy dose of hypnosis and spells and madness.  I probably wouldn't be a very good priest. Stephanie, a Catholic I know from college who likes my blog and prays for me, who I made out with, etc. in college, doesn't have a functioning reproductive system.  But I didn't even consider anal sex, back then.  I suppose I should have.

One (God), two (Jesus), three (trinity), four (the book of numbers is the 4th book), five (Christ), six (star of david), seven (Jesus Christ, 7-up -penis-), eight (god), nine (power), ten (say ten, satan)...

2 is also jew, monkey (which has monk and key in it), the two triangles of the star of david, LOVE (between 2 people) (or I suppose, between the individual and "god" (me?) (self?) (dog?)).

 As for what floats my boat, I like teens and blondes and long hair, but mostly if she's into me, flirtatious, wants me, makes the first move.  I believe I prefer brains, but I don't consider anyone i've been with to have been a bimbo or a ditz.  I care, I don't chew em up and spit em out, I don't want to be a heartbreaker, love em and leave em, I'm not a player, I don't have ho's in different area codes, I look for people I can talk to, too.  I don't want a harem.  I want true love.  Compatible, sexy, fun, funny.  Kind, intelligent.  Horny.  Maybe it's time I start being selfish?  Blowjobs on demand, for example.  Rich doesn't hurt. Pro-life.  And, of course, to quote the Sacramento News and Review (you should be getting it once a week!).  There's a fun kalx promo for their daily readings of the daily campus calendar, with a sultry voice saying we give it to you 3 times a day (!).  I want that.  And beauty, of course.  Like Ellen or Maria or Karen, lol.  Or Melanie.  Or Brandi (Buffy).

It can be an intellectual craving, though - I've seen too much porn, maybe, and the addictive sex was way back in college.  I want to be turned on.  Right now, I'm off, lol.  xxx is also 666.  Foxy lady!  Condominium can be misheard as condom in 'em (or condom in 'm).

voices
'all right'
'what's wrong'
'i melted'
'i can't take it'

"Melted" evokes Mel, my birth-grandmother's brother (birth granduncle), and Ted, the website.

I don't make a very good buddhist, either.  But who doesn't like (or need) a little sex, now and then??