Out Patient

I have an IOP followup at Kaiser

for 3-4 weeks, MWF 9a-noon, starting F 5-17-13.
I ate a piece of a pot brownie, stupidly, because I didn't keep in mind my first experience with pot (negative: kicking a mattress repeatedly), and didn't know the potency, or what kind of pot it was (indica is mellow, while sativa can make you paranoid).  I'm guessing sativa.  Also, it may have been a factor in causing me to get a diagnosis of bipolar, then schizophrenia (my birthmom is schizophrenic, so I'm genetically susceptible/predisposed) so revisiting the stuff can't be good (for me).  The thc (tetra hydra cannabinol), or as I call it -bubonic chronic- really freaked me out.  It brought back my horrifying nightmarish experience (component, it wasn't ALL bad) in jail and Atascadero State Hospital, where I thought I was going to hell, which was the hell itself. 

Aside (on hell).   The bible says you'll go to hell if you get a tattoo.  What that means is simply that tattoos are painful!  So it's only hellish while they stick the needles in you (unless you're a masochist).  I think it was Milton (Paradise Lost) that said you can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven, it's all in the mind.  Hell in a brownie, you say?  At least it tasted good.

anyway, IOP stands for Intensive Outpatient Program, in reference to the fact that I am "out" of the psychiatric facility (Telecare), and back in the saddle again, so to speak.  The appointment confirmation e-mail says Out Patient, which is a little different.  I am not outside (at the moment), nor am I an out of the closet homosexual.  I suppose I am an outlier, in some respects.

I'm not in, either.  Homosexuality can be defined 3 ways: Identity, Behavior, and Nature (inherent, born that way).  One can meet one, some, or all 3 of the criteria.  That is to say, you can consider yourself to be homosexual.  You can engage in homosexual activity.  Or you can be (a) homosexual.

In my humble opinion, Identity is a delusion, Behavior is like any other behavior (from blinking, to crossing the street, although I personally think anal sex is probably usually -for most people- unpleasant, and somewhat gross, especially if there's fecal matter involved), and Nature is like a congenital birth defect, which should properly be treated with compassion.  I don't think gay sex is "unnatural", because it happens in nature (everything that happens is natural).  I'm not homophobic -gays don't frighten me.  Being gay doesn't frighten me, either.  Unless you're a screaming queen in prison, for example.  Flaming, as they say.  Then you could get raped, abused, insulted, etc.  But acting gay is rightfully feared (as is heterosexual sex, for that matter), with AIDS as a possibility.  Homo means same, so taken literally, I'm not afraid of being the same as anyone else, theoretically.

The terminology, as far as I know, consists of bisexual, gay, lesbian, queer, transgender, and transvestite.   I suspect gays are no more happy than anyone else, despite the term.  The rainbow flag can be a symbol of gay pride, or it can evoke the biblical rainbow as a sign of hope.  There are pitchers, catchers, and versatile.  You can be one, two, or V.  I've read about Jesus as possibly working with the "brown chakra."  I also read online about a ballerina who preferred anal sex.   The three kinds of sex are oral, anal, and vaginal.  I don't consider hand jobs and oral sex to be sex, which I suppose is a view I share with Bill Clinton.

My history includes some homosexual activity (nothing anal, except putting my finger in my ass to see what the hell they were experiencing), living with homosexuals, growing up in San Francisco, watching 3 pride parades there, and reading Catcher in the Rye in high school and at Atascadero, from their library.  I've seen gay porn, and it looks completely boring and stupid and unexciting or stimulating.  A mechanical, passionless process of creating an orgasm.  I've been told I sound homosexual, years ago, by the cook at a room-and-board in Sacramento.  Gary was/is? his name.  I lived in the SOMA (south of market), and had a great orgasm being fellated while being scared of getting AIDS/HIV from Francisco's mouth.  Francesca, who I really wanted, left me in favor of some black guy, at the Cat club.  My best orgasm, I suppose, happened while I was masturbating in my room while thinking of being Bill Gates savaging a woman.  It was an effective fantasy, but not something I would want to actually do, or tolerate by anyone, ever.  I don't fantasize that way anymore.  A bit of personal revelation regarding my id versus my superego, there, if you give any credence to Sigmund.  Freud and fraud are similar words (in English), which I suppose is interesting. 

I am not homosexual.  I don't think they are sick or evil, but I do think they are often victims of the evolutionary heritage of competition between males for females.  The more males that are out of the running in the quest for a woman or women, the better the odds of hooking up.  One thing about Notre Dame University was that they had a 60-40 ratio of women to men (I think, maybe it was the other way around) back when I was applying for colleges, in '89 (I'm class of '89 from St. Ignatius College Preparatory).   ND was my first choice school (I got in), but money was a factor.  SI, interestingly, went co-ed the year after my class graduated (for the following year's freshmen).  I did not have or want any homosexual activity during high school.

In college, David wanted to make me switch teams, I think.  I was writing what I called the "master file" about power and dracula and I don't remember what else/ fuck all / god only knows.. when he came into my apartment because he knew my roommate, Jon Simms, who came out while living with us.  I went to his coming out party.  He (Jon) was Catholic, and went to the Newman center along with me and Erik Beever, my roommate on the lower bunk.  Bob Davis, the physics major, and I assume a physicist now, was the 4th roommate.  I liked Dave, then.  David said I was a vampire.  He called me a vampire.  He turned me on to Anne Rice.  I gave him a Count (Sesame Street) doll.  But I don't drink blood, and I am a humane human being, not a demon or cruel killer.  I truly resent this implication.  I have a dark side, as do we all, I think, but I wonder if my life might have been better if he hadn't labeled me that.  If he wasn't so smart and well-educated and well-connected, as a deputy attorney general for the state of California, I would sue him for defamation of character.  I believe he's fucked up my life.   On the other hand, I collect social security and disability, which affords me medicare parts A and B, and allows me to read and go to the library and the Y and write my blog.  That's my job, I guess, even though I only get 886 bucks a month.  I have a disability: schizophrenia.  The John Carpenter movie, Vampires, says a vampire can establish a telepathic link to his master.  That's what I believe David did.  Then again, maybe I was typing (on my Mackintosh) David's thoughts before I even knew him.  He was already in my head, or I in his, or both.  I think he thought (thinks?) I was (am?) his "soulmate."   Of course, I don't believe in souls (like a ghost inhabiting our body).  I do believe in telepathy, though.   I heard a voice in my head in second grade (St. Stephen's, in SF).  The process is not spiritual, it's physical (which is only a semantic difference).  Like radio or microwaves.  Or maybe entanglement, which Einstein had a hard time accepting. 

In any case, I did some reflection last night, in the spirit of the delphic motto "know thyself,"  and the result is not pretty.   When I asked David if he was afraid of the government knowing about his movie rental selections, (I think) he said they would be afraid of him.  In the same vein, when asked to characterize his psyche, he said "it's ugly".   Anyway, about me.  I've become somewhat asexual.  I masturbate infrequently, and sex itself is a rarity.  Maybe thrice in the last 4-5 years.  Which I guess is unusual, or literally "queer".  I have abnormal psychology, and (thus?) abnormal sexuality.  I'm happy with myself, but unhappy with David in my head.  I rarely have anyone else in my head.  I like it when it's just me.  I've always liked myself -self-esteem has never been a problem.  So I've been bi-curious, but I think, pretty sure, I've answered that question.  Not P, C, or V.   There are four types of male homosexual.  Simply put, I'm not gay (in any "way, shape, or form").  And I like it that way.

I've worn female clothes, of course.  I went to the farmer's market in Davis with a bunch of fellow Newmanites, dressed up in some wacky clothes from their yard sale.  And I've tried on woman's shirt (blouse?), inside my room.  It felt nice.  Sexually, that's almost irrelevent, though, in my opinion.  I don't want to be a woman, although it would be nice to (painlessly!) be able to produce a child, I guess.  I've wanted a kid for years and years, now.   The Jesuit priest who was the principal of SI said I'd make a good dad.  I like kids, I like kid-energy, I like to teach and read to kids, they're fun, and I'm seriously depressed-angry-frustrated-disappointed that I'm always by myself, with this stupid blog as my only child.  I have high school classmates with kids in high school, already.  I'm getting old.  I'm considering being a priest.   A Catholic one.  I don't want to be a virtual "Father", though.  I want a real kid, not a congregation to look after like a shepherd over his or her flock.   Ugh.  I've been to jail.  David called me a "dark agent."  I was charged with a felony (assault and battery, on 3 police officers), and I don't know what my legal status is.  I confess I've been a thief, too.  Starting with candy bars, when I was a kid.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church is utterly ridiculous to me, a heavy dose of hypnosis and spells and madness.  I probably wouldn't be a very good priest. Stephanie, a Catholic I know from college who likes my blog and prays for me, who I made out with, etc. in college, doesn't have a functioning reproductive system.  But I didn't even consider anal sex, back then.  I suppose I should have.

One (God), two (Jesus), three (trinity), four (the book of numbers is the 4th book), five (Christ), six (star of david), seven (Jesus Christ, 7-up -penis-), eight (god), nine (power), ten (say ten, satan)...

2 is also jew, monkey (which has monk and key in it), the two triangles of the star of david, LOVE (between 2 people) (or I suppose, between the individual and "god" (me?) (self?) (dog?)).

 As for what floats my boat, I like teens and blondes and long hair, but mostly if she's into me, flirtatious, wants me, makes the first move.  I believe I prefer brains, but I don't consider anyone i've been with to have been a bimbo or a ditz.  I care, I don't chew em up and spit em out, I don't want to be a heartbreaker, love em and leave em, I'm not a player, I don't have ho's in different area codes, I look for people I can talk to, too.  I don't want a harem.  I want true love.  Compatible, sexy, fun, funny.  Kind, intelligent.  Horny.  Maybe it's time I start being selfish?  Blowjobs on demand, for example.  Rich doesn't hurt. Pro-life.  And, of course, to quote the Sacramento News and Review (you should be getting it once a week!).  There's a fun kalx promo for their daily readings of the daily campus calendar, with a sultry voice saying we give it to you 3 times a day (!).  I want that.  And beauty, of course.  Like Ellen or Maria or Karen, lol.  Or Melanie.  Or Brandi (Buffy).

It can be an intellectual craving, though - I've seen too much porn, maybe, and the addictive sex was way back in college.  I want to be turned on.  Right now, I'm off, lol.  xxx is also 666.  Foxy lady!  Condominium can be misheard as condom in 'em (or condom in 'm).

voices
'all right'
'what's wrong'
'i melted'
'i can't take it'

"Melted" evokes Mel, my birth-grandmother's brother (birth granduncle), and Ted, the website.

I don't make a very good buddhist, either.  But who doesn't like (or need) a little sex, now and then??