Oh, the jobs I've worked

cash money, y'all

20 jobs:
dogwalking
recycle (before there was city collection), babysit, garden/vacuum
boy scout/ cub camp counselor, camp royaneh (canoe base, pool, commissioner, cope) 7 summers
bagger (aka courtesy clerk, paper or plastic?), falletti's finer foods, albertson's
student annual fund campaign, telemarketer, davis
bellboy, hyatt regency sfo (burlingame)
ucd summer housekeeper
cook, the davis graduate
cook, woodstock's pizza, davis
selling cookies, corona-lotus, SF
deli-counter, davis co-op
clerk, walgreens, sf
security guard, $1.98 clearance center, sf
model, davis art center
park cars outside hospital, Sacto (cps, spg)
driver, jeeps, sf
signature-gatherer, PCI (progressive campaigns, inc.)
caltrans, nighttime roadwork, sf
best step technician, roseville
helping Sara at main element, calistoga

fellow employees:
denea (de), deedee, rod, steve, squire, cash
fff: christine, jenny, maria, lorraine, tick
hyatt: claudia, chris sheldon
walgreens: mr. ellis, mack, paul, chris, krikor, maria,
chester, claire, pat, roy, marina, summer, jesus

Oh, the places I've been

A chronology of location

-born in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to Annette Riddle

-Paradise, CA with birth-family

-San Francisco, CA:
foster home with Mr. and Mrs. Fiji
-adopted age 4, 380 Monticello St., SF by Larry and Peggy Teshara
-moved, 801 Darien Way, SF:
trips to Cazadero, CA (summer camp, BSA, Royaneh),
Reno NV by train,
Anaheim (Disneyland),
Virginia/D.C./NYC (national scout jamboree '85),
Annapolis MD (visiting the US Naval Academy),

-Davis, CA (matriculated at UCD, '89-'93):
bicycled to Lake Berryessa
went with OA (Outdoor Adventures) on a whitewater rafting trip, south fork of the american river.
drove to Lancaster, CA to meet Sarah Salazar, birth-sister
excursions to Sacramento, to see annual Spike and Mike film festivals
Dixon May Fair (demolition derby!), with dad

I lived in 14 places in Davis:
4 college years:
Bixby 4
(410 freshman -carlo ruggieri, caleb ward)
( 425 sophomore -mark thiess),
68 aspen village (-doug smith, mike, andy mak) plus jared
B St. (-erik beever, bob davis, john sims, sam)

staying after college:
University ave. (next to the Hillel House, across the st. from campus -bill, adam, res sacharoff, stu finkel)
apt. in east davis (-chris keck)

back to SF: 801 (-mom and dad), then room in house near stern grove (-cecilia han)
trip to Shingle Springs, CA (-kim's truck)
then a stretch at the Int'l Student Center, SOMA (south of market), SF

back to davis, round 2:
apt. in central davis (just me, visited by ellen)
apt. in east davis (-steve dunek)
-briefly homeless-
jessica's, then trailer in south davis (-larry myers)

Sacramento
Rosemont, on wildrose ave., a leone pena board and care: sally, theresa, tim and tom, steve hackney, moody) plus toby miller
Midtown apt, 17th and P (-Jim Marquis)
trip to key west by greyhound from sacramento (and all points in between), during spring break.
Midtown studio, also 17th and P (just me. Robert Thorley, landlord, upstairs)

W. Sacramento, house (-david andrew eldridge)

back to Sac,
Rosa Bagley board and care, 4 places, last one behind shopping center (-Gary, cook)
N. Sac, Wildhurst ave., room and board (-charles, eric, alethea (lee), robert, beersheba, etc.)

then jail, (Sac county, ASH -Atascadero State Hospital) 10 months.
Sac, Doug's, one night
Rosemont, again, briefly

then, back to Davis (round 3):
east davis, near cemetary (-hong, joe, jeff, brandi)
west davis apt., The Trees 
north davis apt., on sycamore

with Sara:
Roseville (campo, near rhs),
San Francisco (hearst ave., near St. Fin Bar),
Cobb (Lake County),
Calistoga (on Myrtle)
Auburn (downstairs, Ken and Michael's)
Berkeley (Haskell)
with trips to Tahoe, Ca and
China (Beijing, Shanghai, Xian)

Now: Berkeley (Russell street) (-tony, annie, mesfin, marco, alyssa, christine)

My week

the routine, of late

daily ny times, library
daily Y, exercise (sometimes twice)
daily email, blog, etc. (e.g. wikipedia, csmonitor, okcupid, ted)
MWF 12:20p lunch, mcgee baptist church
M 2p yoga, yttp
W kaiser, 10:30a-11:30a
W walk Marcel
W 7:00p meditation, berkeley shambhala center
R walk Fido and Taco, San Leandro
R Joe Frank, 11p kdvs
Su 10a-11a, Philosophy Talk kalw
read Mad magazine, The Economist
i'll play pool with Caitlin, again
I want to visit Tom and Jeannine in SSF
my reading list is RIDICULOUS
and I listen to obscene amounts of music.

42

my age: the meaning of life, the universe, and everything!

I turn 42 tomorrow.
I'm a virgo boar, born around labor day.  hope you're enjoying yours.
There's a saab with my birthday (9/3) on it, and trucks with '71 on it, too.

I'm having dinner with family in SF tonite,
and going to Burma Superstar, tomorrow.

Spy

4 numbers:

16 American spy agencies
107,000 employees (spies?)
spending $500B (since 9/11/01)

and
10 (because it looks like I.O. -Information Overload)

Air Force Intelligence Army Intelligence Central Intelligence Agency Coast Guard Intelligence Defense Intelligence Agency Department of Energy Department of Homeland Security Department of State Department of the Treasury Drug Enforcement Administration Federal Bureau of Investigation Marine Corps Intelligence National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency National Reconnaissance Office National Security Agency Navy Intelligence

the numbers work out to, by my calculation, about 360k per employee per year.

Life is Good

three ways of saying it

1)Pro-life
2)Thou shalt not kill
3)Consistent life ethic

first refers usually to abortion
second to manslaughter (I read somewhere)
third to the 4+ realms of (opposition to): abortion, capital punishment, war, and meat

1)I'm pro-life because I'm adopted, and I believe/think adoption is the only humane choice.

2)I oppose capital punishment, in all cases, because nothing rights the original wrong, and prisoners lives can have value, without resorting to the base motive of revenge as supposed justice.
I am opposed to hell, in all its forms, such as torture or psy war against/by inmates.  Prisoners can do science, earn degrees, read books on to tape, live in a healthy community, get married and have children, and otherwise live fulfilling lives, which should be our goal, in my view, as opposed to dismal, bullied, raped, insecure, and pathetic lives of incarcerated punishment.  As Kaiser says, "thrive" (vs. endure).

3)War, ugh.  There's apparently a doctrine of "just" war, but I think always and everywhere, we should engage in diplomacy, and look to creating separate states for every community that desires alternate governance.   I believe in peace through "just do it", instead of peace through strength, which usually seems to be peace through dominance, coercion, and submission.

4)Humans are animals, too.  If we eat other animals, as those on the top of the food chain, we contribute to moral decay, physical unhealth, environmental degradation, and untold suffering.   Thought experiment: if superior beings conquered earth, would we humans like to be processed into their food?

I admit I love to eat meat.  Ribs, burgers, steaks, roast beef sandwiches, skirt steak, thanksgiving turkey, beef jerky, veal, kung pao, kfc, it's all so delicious.   We carnivores, anticipating our own bodies being consumed by cemetary worms, take revenge on unkind fate's oblivion by devouring every kind of life.  I think it's a sin.  I think all life is sacred.   Even bugs.   I'm going with the assumption that plants aren't conscious.  I'm going to stop buying meat, but I'll eat whatever's offered me, and not be a missionary towards vegetarianism, other than these comments here in my blog.  Everyone has a right to life, literally.   Even the death-eaters, to use a harry potter term.

Hunting, I would like to add, is abhorrent.  It may seem laudable to kill your own food, but society and civilization are no longer reliant on hunting and gathering, and it is no longer necessary to kill to eat.  The culture of death (and guns) in America stops with vegetarianism.

No murder, no war (ever), no induced abortion, no capital punishment, no hunting, and no meat.  Just happily alive, celebrating life. 

U.S. stay out of Syria

If I had my druthers, the U.S. wouldn't even have a military

In my fantasy world of the US of the W, a world police force would enforce international law, and every language would have it's own state (with sovereignty, in all areas outside of the universally agreed upon international norms), and each state would have it's own government, in a rich ferment of ideas, with multiple political experiments running simultaneously, with the goal of maximizing the personal happiness of every individual.

hm, maybe that's what the world already is.  (semantics?)

War, besides being hell, can also contribute to happiness.  Camaraderie, the development of new technology, jobs for soldiers, a safer world, and maybe even the elimination of evil people all must be why the bible says God is a man of war, despite Thou shalt not kill being one of the 10 commandments.  Vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord.  There is a time to kill.  

I don't really believe there are evil people,  though.  There are criminals and psychopaths and gangsters and bloodthirsty murderers, who maybe enjoy splattering the brains of enemies, like a good video game, or in a horror movie, but these people HAVE demons, not ARE demons.

So what I'm saying is there are those who are Good at being Evil, and they play a role in the proper functioning of society like a dentist or a shopkeeper or attorney or what have you... If you ARE God, then you can kill, I guess, but if you submit to God (Islam means submission), well I guess the Koran says you can kill the infidels, too.    This is not going where I intended it to.  But maybe soldiers killing each other off, for whatever reason, can be good for the planet, for its resources, for lowering the burden of the earth to support a growing population.  I, however, like soldiers, and people in general, and don't want them to die.  But war is good for the economy, too.

This does not strike me as a healthy moral calculus.  There must be another way to make the globe a better place than war and killing and destruction.  The negatives of war seem to far outweigh whatever benefits it may bestow, the misery eclipses the joy of thrillkill,  the suffering and death overpower the blessings of love from an unseen, mysterious God.   Indeed God is dead when war takes away a loved one.   The yin and yang, the good and evil, what a mess.  We make do.  But no one should have to endure it, a lasting peace should always and everywhere be our goal.  Once created, it must be maintained. 

Syria, case in point.  The goal should be an immediate cease-fire, a truce -not escalation.  Assad should rule over those who desire his rule, and those who don't should have a separate country, just like the Palestinians should have their own territory, homeland, separate from the Jewish state.   If Jews want to live in Palestine, fine, and vice versa, Palestinians in Israel, that should of course be permitted.  The U.S. is a melting pot hodge podge, and I like my country that way.  But to each his own.

So just stop fighting, everyone.  Children, get along or go to your rooms.

I have to say I don't see what makes chemical weapons a "red line" that stands as a criterion for U.S. military action.  A death is a death is a death.   A bullet does the same thing, in the end.   So if we haven't acted already, we should just stay out.  We don't want to be in another proxy war with Russia, or mired in the senseless brutality of another war, just on general principle.  We should be spending our money on happiness, not perpetuating or escalating misery.  And I don't think the U.S. really cares one way or the other about Sunni vs. Shia vs. Alawite vs. Hezbollah, unless it's everyone vs. al Qaeda.   Unless we want Christianity to spread at the cost of an imploding, factionalized Islam.   Chess is war, and I suspect religious motivation behind a lot of behavior and policy.  (and demographics, too, with copious angry youth)

Of course, the pres has a lot more information than I do,  and I think  his heart is in the right place, so maybe action against Assad is the right thing to do, I don't know, I defer to him- but I am skeptical, and think the military is mostly boys playing with (expensive) toys.

also, now that I've learned congressional approval for U.S. military involvement has been sought, this is what i'd like to see addressed by the debate:
1) what the U.S. interests are.
2) would a "limited, surgical" strike include killing Assad
3) if not, why
4) which option reduces net suffering
5) cost, which option is cheapest
6) how would diplomacy be affected

My Life, Lately

what I think, say, and do

I read

books (Goal: b.a.d. : book-a-day)
22 volumes World Book,  then-
30 volumes of 2010 Encyc. Britannica (library reference section),
daily hour with atlas
and 1001 books 'you must read before you die",
then True Crime encyclopedia

news
daily NY Times
weekly Economist, Christian Science Monitor
Foreign Affairs (every other month)

online: Huffington Post, Yahoo, CNN

book larnin': martial arts/self-defense
languages (review spanish, learn french, etc.),
new words (slang dictionary, OED)
occasional children's book 

self-assigned homework:
(daily fiction book, hour atlas review, 100 pp. encyclopedia, new word)
currently-
Sweet Tooth, by Ian McEwan.
'A' volume, WB '12.

sleep
early to bed, early to rise (7 hours sleep, 10p -5a)

exercise
daily run, push-ups, situps
Y -daily cardio, and alternating swim/ weightlifting
yoga

meditate
20 minutes, every morning
weekly, BSC (berkeley shambhala center, wednesdays)

online routine: e-mail, okcupid, blog, J! archive, onion

eat: $10/day limit,
MWF McGee lunches, monthly BFP (food pantry)
R taco and horchata, occasional froyo/papa john's pizza slice
cook pasta, beans, meat at Sara's (tupperware)

social life:
okcupid dates
W kaiser group, 10:30a
lunch with Walter
billiards w/ Caitlyn
tennis w/ Mesfin
meetup groups
-go camping, hiking
-volunteer

write:
blog
journal
notebooks

entertainment:
kalx entertainment calendar, read thrice daily
california academy of sciences, rialto cinema (free passes)
occasional theater movie
netflix, ted, youtube, library movie rental
weekly philosophy talk (sundays at 10a, KALW)
weekly Joe Frank, on kdvs
daily music (library cd, weekly hearts of space, morning radio)
(whrb, wmbr, kalx, kzsu, gdradio, kcpr, ksdt, kdvs, kzsc, npr)
people magazine, mad magazine, national geographic
jokes.com (comedy central archive)
arts/craft in oakland (rps collective), w/ walter
weekly Ca lottery

 travel
Auburn, visit T and Bruce
Burlingame, lunch w/dad
SF, lunch w/ mom
San Rafael, coffee w/ Aimee
Oakland, meals with Sara and Pierre, walk Marcel
San Leandro, walk Fido and Taco
Concord, meal w/ the Schaefers

good news and bad news

what do you want to hear, first?

a 283 million dollar B-1 aircraft just crashed.  that's alot of money up in smoke.

the rate of suicide bombings in iraq has gone from 5-10 per month, to 30.
that's one idiot blowing himself up Every Single Day.  Argh.  craziness.
and they call ME crazy.  Geezus.

my friend bruce is in the hospital, in Auburn.

on the other  hand,
-my mom and dad both/each had birthdays recently, which were kinda fun.
-My birthday is next month.  gonna eat burmese food for the first time.
-i've got a date on Saturday

Hello

Hell and God

God uses the carrot (the prospect of eternal bliss in heaven)
and the stick (the possibility of eternal torment in hell)
to modify human behavior.

It's all in a single word: hello.
life starts with hell (painful childbirth) and, of course, with heaven (o for orgasm, for conception)

I would say it ends in neither, simple non-existence, back to what we were before we were conceived, to dust, to decay, to rot, to buried bones; in a word: oblivion.

Of course, some of us leave cultural footprints: art, dna, memories, writings, what-have-you.

a fellow bellows: hello, mellow yellow jello!

anyway, what I was saying, O, as in OMG, is thus a symbol for God, or love.

and hell is, well we all know, right?  pain, agony, suffering, torment, misery, anguish...
some think there's an actual place of eternal damnation, with circles, for sinners (which seems to be all of us, if that's any comfort) who don't accept christ, or maybe those who don't accept allah, or god knows what else, as they say.  Eating calamari and having tattoos and calling your brother 'raca' are all prohibited, for example.  What a joke, if you ask me.

E.T. thus stands for eternal torment, or worse -eternal torture-, in addition to extra-terrestrial (meaning external to earth).  It also stands for Ellen Trainor, my college flame.  Hello, if you're out there, lol.  Or hi, if you prefer.

Maybe the price of power is pain, in which case God -the all-powerful- is in hell, and for whom love is therefore absolutely required, necessary, and demanded of all of us. 

Unjust torture seems like it would hurt even more.   Torturing God, the only good being in the universe, is truly an abomination.  A word with it's own heinous meanings embedded within it, as well: (a-bomb in nation).   Y' know, I really don't need Kim Jong Un threatening me (for example).

So crime, sin, torture, cruelty, war, murder, bloodshed, bullying, victimization, rape, injustice, are all hellish and rotten and evil, and deserve to be punished, but god is loving and merciful and kind and good, even to the devil, I guess.   Which means the devil rules the roost.  It's the collective will and effort for goodness, betterment, improvement, progress, development against the spite and hate and malice and unceasing will to vengeance and destruction and pain, that lies in the heart of even God. 

updated okcupid profile

of yours truly, jesswimmer

I'm pursuing an 'athletic' body type at the Y. If I'm not having sex, then at least I've got endorphins! I'm looking for a smart and happy woman to enjoy life with. I love to read, listen to music, eat well, and be in nature.

I have two projects I'm working on:
1)read a book-a-day, and 2)writing my blog (a fun hobby).
-the booklist is from '1001 books you must read before you die'
-the blog is at http://jesseteshara.blogspot.com.
(the most popular post is called "movies with 'God' in the title")
You are cordially invited to visit, of course.

A quote I like is "I have always thought heaven to be a kind of library." (-Borges). The library of congress has over 32 million books. One book a day for the next 80 years is around 29 thousand (that's only .09125 percent) Too bad I don't believe in heaven, right? A good book is heaven, of course, and so are good relationships. I just learned to speedread, but it would take a book a minute for 16 hours a day, for 80 years (!). The only heaven is what we make of earth. And, of course, ourselves.

Genie fantasy: Wouldn't teleporting, time freeze, and time travel (fwd. or back) be fun? And immortality, too. I'm pretty sure none of that is gonna happen either, though. Nobody escapes oblivion. But a book can be a kind of teleportation device.

ANyway, I got a BA in IR from UCD, minored in espanol. I've been to China, and would love to keep traveling. I spent many childhood summers in the redwoods by the Russian river, and love hiking and camping. Among other things I like are documentaries, animation, nature shows, taiko drums, cirque du soleil. I grew up in San Francisco, and have family there. I love the bay area, and Berkeley's fantastic.

What I'm doing with my life

I'd like to raise a family, but until then, I'm getting in shape, living cheaply, reading, writing my blog, staying informed. I frequently frequent the library. I read the New York Times just about every day. The Economist and Christian Science Monitor are my other two main sources of keeping up to date. Musically, I like college radio alot, which I listen to online. I hardly ever watch tv. Some magazines I like are People, Mad, National Geographic, Foreign Affairs. I occasionally meditate with Berkeley Shambhala. 

I'm really good at

Writing, and being a student (I'm not enrolled anywhere, though). I won a journalism award in high school and a scholarship to Cal. I tested genius once. Staying busy. I'm told (by a psychologist) I'm the kind of personality that keeps on goin', no matter what trials and tribulations life throws at me. I was voted Most Kind, once. 

The first things people usually notice about me

Why my aura and my chakra and my chi, of course.
Or maybe: I have blue eyes. And my left ankle doesn't bend. 

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books:
-I'll read anything, but I'll say: Douglas Adams, Isabel Allende, Dostoevsky, Jonathan Franzen, Gabriel Garcia Marques, Anne Rice, Michael Moorcock, Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain, Jorge Amado, Jane Austen, Alejo Carpentier, Terry Pratchett, for starters. The Sand County Almanac. The Laws Field Guide to the Sierra Nevada.
-I like learning new words and slang, new languages, short stories, true crime, horror/fantasy, and perusing an atlas.

Movies:I used to go to the yearly Spike and Mike animation festival in Sacramento. Fantastic Planet, Grave of the Fireflies.
I saw, and liked, Cabin In the Woods, Dark Shadows, Samsara, Searching for Sugarman, and Monsters U.
Shows: I youtube, netflix, and ted.

Music: I like it all, basically. I use cordless headphones. I listen to music while I bike around town, while I work out, while I'm online, pretty much all the time. Occasionally while I sleep, even. I still listen to cds and radio (oldschool!). I listen to philosophy talk and joe frank, too, on weekends.

Food: sushi, thai, indian, chinese, mexican, ethiopian, pizza, italian, burgers, barbeque. And sweets (like frozen yogurt). I haven't been to Burmese, yet. 

The six things I could never do without

1)basic needs (food, air, shelter, clothing, clean water, sanitation)
2)others (people, pets, friends, family, dating)
3)cheer (happiness, humor, smiles, laughter, joy, bliss, fun, play :)
4)stimulus (i.e. books, magazines, music, movies, the internet, the library, my blog)
5)love (God? Truth? Reality?),
or liberty. either one. freedom from suffering.
6)money, I suppose.

-of course, the Buddhists say these are cravings or 'attachments', so maybe I should just stick to life and health. L'chaim! 

I spend a lot of time thinking about

-love, god, religion, spirituality.
-international relations, foreign affairs, current events, news
-fitness, health 

On a typical Friday night I am

The same thing as every day, Brain:
Listening to music, lost in a book, surfing, or swimming. 

The most private thing I'm willing to admit

I'm adopted (which is one reason I'm pro-life)

I'm looking for 

• Girls who like guys
• Ages 23–45
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, long-distance penpal

You should contact me if:
-you want a new friend, or think I'm sexy.
-You don't smoke
-You are not a tv addict

-If you are a Pisces, Taurus, Capricorn, Cancer, Scorpio, or Virgo.
-even more points if you're a Rabbit or Sheep:
chinese astrology -
Rabbits are ('63, '75,'87)
Sheep are ('67, '79, '91),
while other Boars -bad!- are ('71,'83)
-I don't know if I really buy all this astrology hooha, but I thought I'd post it, all the same.

Consciousness

Entering my ruminations on consciousness into the collective un- (!)

What I write is often what people are thinking to themselves, but leaving unsaid, I've been told.
So maybe my thoughts are the "collective unconscious" (a jungian concept)
Bill Gates has a collection of archetypes, I think.
that might be fun to peruse someday-
I think, therefore I am (I think)
I once believed (the delusion) that everybody knew what I was thinking...
"It is better to be silent and be thought stupid, than to speak and remove all doubt."
Einstein has quotes that says human stupidity is infinite, and that reality is a persistent illusion.
So maybe what he's really saying is human knowledge is infinite.
Einstein kind of sounds like he was a stuck-up asshole, if you ask me.
War IS nothing but an act of murder, in my opinion, but so is meat.

maybe my thoughts are just picked up/gleaned from others, rather than my thoughts being the source.
or maybe I am/my mind is, a source for others, while still having a (personal, external) source, too.
there's some funky dynamic going on, of that I'm sure.  hard to define, or pin down.

Does all matter have consciousness?
I am made of matter (and only matter), and I have it.
So why shouldn't my dinner have consciousness, before it gets eaten by me and becomes me?
did I just convert the problem of consciousness into the mystery of the eucharist?

do plants have consciousness?  does water?  I've read they do, in fact.
so do individual atoms have it?  where do you draw the line?
how does it arise from dna?

I recently read that humans know how to do just about everything we can dream of,  like time travel or teleportation,  immortality, or even conscious machines.  God is love, and love believes all things (!).

You could be a conscious computer

If robots roamed about, with the knowledge of all the world's libraries and the internet both at their disposal and KNOWN, we would feel very stupid indeed.   That's probably why AI seems retarded, and doesn't pass the Turing test.   A suave, debonair automaton who answered every jeopardy question, won every chess game, and that could impersonate every personality, for starters, would be just too weird and intimidating.   It might not be omniscient, but the totality of human knowledge would seem to come close, I would think.   Then again, there's the adage, the more you know, the more that you know you don't know (did I make that up?).  Ha.

God is a corporation

Godco

The word of God has many authors
God refers to himself in the plural
There are many Gods

also
Jesus is now dead, unless you consider him 'christianity' (the "body of christ", like the "body politic")
"good" is a social construct.
each religion has its own God, which is collectively defined and re-defined by the entire community

also
God is one....but is one plural?

How many people are in your head?  At least two, in my case, in my opinion.
(but I'm working on it) (it being psychic eviction)
maybe the mind is inherently shared (everyone's?)

music
there's someone in my head but it's not me -Pink Floyd
I'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can't change.. -The Verve
I am the walrus, kookoo ka choo (lol) -the beatles

then again,
I am Jesse (Jesus, Chuy, Isai) (the whole office of the eucharist, god makes forget)
and
I am Teshara (as earth) (t' share uh)

I say we're all God, but maybe I'm more God than others
most people who say they are god are crazy, but I think I'm logically coherent.
we are each the center of our own universe
I'm more of a god of my world than yours, maybe
one's world impinges on others through memes, dreams, telepathy, law, interaction
all I'm really saying is I am good
but I believe in basic goodness, so that's not saying much

what is the purpose of telepathy?

what I suspect it's for (a supposition, a theory)

it's also called schizophrenia.  mind to mind conversation.
some people think it's God talking to  them.
The opposite of prayer, when you talk to God (and presumably he can hear you)
some people think it's the devil.  hearing a voice, then, is like being possessed.
or maybe spirits, or angels, or demons, if not just the thoughts of someone you know.

I think my voice is David.  David Eldridge.  David Andrew Eldridge.
He said he was a "natural psychologist," and something about a "global telepath"
I want to be healthy.  I want him to shut the hell up.

I met someone who calls being healed of schizophrenia, "being delivered."
I'm not in that culture, but whatever it is, whatever you want to call it, I hope it happens.
Remission.  Sanity.

They say 40% of college students report hearing voices.
I believe everybody experiences some form of "psychosis."  like dreams.
Dreams, at least some of them, come from outside our heads, in my opinion.
If your head can pick up visions, it can pick up auditory hallucinations, too.

Why do I think David talks to me (in my head, I mean)?
maybe just to bug me.  he's said he hates me.  just because he can.
I think he hates me because I keep telling him to shut up, so it's a vicious circle.

David has said he (and I) are vampires. 
That vampire show on hbo features telepaths (I don't remember the details)
The movie Vampires (John Carpenter's) also features telepaths.
Buffy the vampire slayer, and South Park address it, too.
The voice, the vice, can be "draining", depending how one reacts to it.

but maybe also, because he's an attorney, it's used to influence judges or juries,
or maybe, after prosecution-
to aggravate, to torment, to cause misery, to punish, to intimidate, to scare.
he's said (v's):
I'm at war, Jess
I'm the devil, Jess
so the voice, I guess, is part of a hardcore psychological warfare attempt to control and influence people's experience and opinions.  Mind control.  Maybe even the "collective unconscious" (to borrow from Carl Jung)

by this, I mean he's being "mental" to make prisoners feel worse (or better),  to further justice.

It influences:
-sports (karma for rewarding, punishing the best behaved fans?)
-law, politics, government (executive, legislative, judicial), elections, voting, public opinion.
court cases -judges, juries, lawyers
-international relations, war, psy-ops, deception, national interests
-money

I think money is the root of a lot (most?) of the craziness.
I'd like to think it's helping, not aggravating, the situation.
But maybe that just depends on me.
I was a third world development guy in college.
peace out.

also, How? does it work-
is it in real time, or is it preprogrammed (such as while we sleep?), or maybe both-
is it by minds, computers, or both-
is my mind "broken", like a code, or maybe even like a heart?
(does my brain have a frequency, is it microwaves, "vibes")
what is it when your ears ring, the tone of which has been used in movies..
is david my "source"?
is there a technical difference between the voice in, and voice out?
is this a literal "open-minded" vs. "closed-minded"
is being closed-minded, then, actually healthy? despite the parachute bumper sticker..
("minds are like parachutes, they only work when open")
Who vocalizes my unverbalized thought, and does anyone hear my vocalized thoughts?
is Everyone a telepath? on some level?  how does it work?  do drugs change the picture?
how many people are in my head, lol?  does it change?
I think David has a plural sense of identity, and thinks of me as an extension of himself.
"get out of my face"...I am not a battery.

recent voices (still the same shit, really)
interesting, jess
i can't breathe, Jesse
i'm sorry
i don't know you
i can't believe you
i think you're stupid
david is disturbed
david is insane, allright Jesse
david is scared jesse
sorry, Jess
david screaming Jesse
i hate you
ow
ow, Jesse
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you...
david is dead
david crying, jesse
david is crying
allright, Jesse
oh my god, oh my god...
i'm killing myself, Jesse
I'm going to hell
I can't stop talking
I've had enough of your law
y'know what?  i'm sick jesse

someday, maybe all this shit will stop, and I will be well.
Of course, I think i'm already well, and that it's david who is sick.
I'm just unfortunate enough to have him in my head.

Snowden, Privacy, and Schizophrenia

The right to privacy is -but shouldn't be- a farce

The internet & cell phone calls  are all recorded, as I understand it, by the NSA (national security agency; national= USA).   You are being monitored.   I am.  I would even say people "off the grid" are, too, but I'll get to that later.  I assume it's all filtered by cleverly programmed computers to separate out and identify potential threats, according to military/security algorithms (I don't really know what an algorithm is, but I think that's the right word).  Words, phrases, people who have criminal records, international contact, suspects, persons of interest, people with power/authority...

As this blog points out, we are all powerful.  Gods, in fact.  Potential threats, and potential peacemakers, too.  None of us are alone.  If you believe in prayer, you believe someone is in your head, listening to what you think.  Religion, like politics, is also a method of social control.  The bible says to never stop praying.  Never stop thinking.  Feed the telepath.  Knowledge is power.

The movie 'the matrix' describes the metaphor of people as batteries, feeding the machine.  Pink Floyd sings, welcome to the machine.  I think reality is a kind of computer.  Our brains are, anyway.  I am one of those crazies who actually believes we live in a matrix.  Not that reality is an illusion, but that it is a construct.  I believe I am "a piece of work."  I also think society, even our planet, (I won't say universe, because that has no limit), is a result of conscious effort, of history, of forces, and -yes- computers.  Certainly all our minds collectively create the experience of each moment.

My reality (I don't claim to know what yours is) is a kind of relationship between Morpheus (the god of dreams -life is but a) and Neo ("one", an individual, or God, like everybody else).  This is just glamorizing the fact that I have no privacy.  I'm pretty sure you don't, either.   Not everyone is "mental," as the saying goes,  but everyone has been studied, and I would say most of us are predictable.  We are things.  Human beings are animals, subject to psychology, sociology, and zoology.   So I'm guessing Fate can be gleaned by and from the Hannibal Lecters among us, the psychologically sophisticated, if not by the ever-more powerful computers that are coming online, that can read us (our vibes, our thoughts), if not play us like the chess pieces (which kind do you identify with?) they're so good at strategizing for.   Is life a game?  Can the rules be systematized?  I thinks so.  Law is a part of that.

Anyway, here's a sample of my schizophrenia, from yesterday, when David (my voice) was really getting crazy:
I hate my life
I hate law
I hate my law
I hate my world
I hate my soul
I hate myself
I hate you
I hate my mind
I hate my name
I hate my hate
I hate mine
I'm crying
I hate you, Jesse
david swearing insane
david screaming in pain
david is dead jess
david is crying jess
i'm swallow
i can't breathe
life is really bad, jess
ow, jesse
david is sorrow to you

The voice has stopped mostly, today, and I'm having a good day.  But occasionally this shit takes over, and I need to employ coping strategies from my cbt kaiser class, such as:
(behavioral interventions)

-an earplug in one ear
-background noise, like a fan
-listen to music
-meditation
-exercise (distracts us from focusing on our minds to, instead, focusing on our bodies)
-watch tv (unless it's a trigger), or play a videogame
-go for a walk
-hygiene (brush teeth, brush hair)-focus on breath
-choose to be around nice people, environment/atmosphere affects how we feel, can make voices worse.
-play a musical instrument, hum
h2o
-water therapy (shower, bath, wash face)
-drink/chug a glass of water,
-go swimming
etc. :
-walk on ocean beach, around lake, creeks/river/streams
-white water rafting, waterskiing, surfing!
-fishing
-slip n slide, water balloons, squirt guns

Library Treats

Heaven has a library

8 categories of freebies available for your amusement, entertainment, edification, and education!
-books
-magazines
-movies
-music
-computer time
-audiobooks
-lectures
-newspapers

books
-books are teleportation devices (time/space/alternate universe travel)
-the reader becomes another of the author's characters
-books are to the mind what exercise is to the body (learn to speedread!)
-free education! outsmart the phd's!
-up, up and quit your books!  too much reading is wearying to the flesh.
-one a day is all we ask! (which comes to around 29k in 80 years)
-it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
-fiat bux! all books digitally available for everyone! (including prisoners) censorship, bad!

I'm currently reading Economix, by Michael Goodwin
(how our economy works -and doesn't work-, in words and pictures)
illustrated by Dan E. Burr

what floats my boat

my own personal "heaven"

I don't believe in an afterlife, except maybe a concept of the future in relation to the eternal now.

A plan to be happy, before oblivion, therefore is:

1)good books (award winners, recommended, well-written stuff I can get lost in)
(a book can be considered a teleportation device!)
2)good relationships (love)
3)good service (heaven is what we make of the earth)
and
4)being selfish (heaven is largely what we make of ourselves, just as hell is largely in our heads)
...slavish pursuit of money seems counterproductive to me.
being happy consists mainly of being content with what one has.
I think that is a central tenet of buddhism (not having craving/aversion)
I meditate weekly, on wednesday evenings, with the BSC (shambhala)

stimulus: A library, whose contents are all free, is a source of joy for me
(an album of music, book, and newspaper per day)
(weekly economist, christian science monitor)
(foreign affairs magazine, every other month) 

exercise: endorphins, looking good-feeling good, losing my gut, getting fit, being physically strong, is a result of the Y (35 bucks a month), swimming, and I also would like to start going to yoga (yttp -yoga to the people- is a free/donation-based service, also downtown)

diet: eating healthy, portion control, avoiding soda/junk food, comes from wise daily decisions throughout the day.

the "dream": Despite being happy with my current status,
I still would like to strive for -even better-:
job, income, house, car, wife, kid(s), wellness (mentally, physically)

but for now,
I'll just practice 'early to bed, early to rise',
walking dogs (MFT -Marcel, Fido & Taco)
volunteering
family, friends, dating
camping, hiking
writing

argh

"2 billion people on this planet do not have clean drinking water, and that water could have been supplied to them for about one-fifth of the cost of the Iraq war."

that's all i wanted to say.  it deserves it's own focus/attention, I think.

8 Goals

for me, but you're welcome to adopt them, too.

1)be cheerful ("sunny") -yellow, like the sun

2)go to nature (green, like trees/chlorophyll)

3)grounded (brown, like dirt)
"I pray that, according to the riches of his glory, he may grant that you may be strengthened in your inner being with power through his Spirit, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love. I pray that you may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

 4)healthy (physically, mentally - ACE: awake, curious, engaged.) (purple, top goal)

5)creative (red)

6)informed (blue, because the newspaper's messages are so often depressing)

7)friendly, social (orange)

8)motivated (black) for a)money, and b)love.

Self-Improvement

Beating the odds, getting better/sane/well

I have a disability, schizoaffective disorder (bipolar plus schizophrenia)-
I take olanzapine (30 mg/ day), and risperidone (1 mg/day),
and I'm doing well; my symptoms (voice, head-shocks, & occasionally pain) have been minimal, of late.  I almost feel sane.
(aside: in the Is this a joke category: my voice said 'you are well, jess')
what to make of that, right?  I mean, the voice IS (largely) my illness.  ugh.
I've been diagnosed with mental illness since '94...

Disability has been good to me: paid meds, kaiser, and almost 900 a month (my rent/utility is 500), discount Y membership (35/mo), and red bart passes ($24 for $9).  Plus free time to do whatever:  I read the NY times/economist/csmonitor/foreign affairs, my 1001 book list, write my blog, and listen to a lot of music (I have 11 stations I surf on my computer's itunes that I listen to with cordless headphones).

The 11 stations are Cal, Stanford, MIT, Harvard, UCLA, CalPoly, UCDavis, UCSantaCruz, Rhode Island,  UCSanDiego, and the Grateful Dead.

My current reading list is:
Unexplained Mysteries of WWII, by William B. Breuer
Unseen Academicals, by Terry Pratchett

I'd like to read an encyclopedia set, and all of Shakespeare, and Proust.
and El Reino de este Mundo (in english) by the author of the lost steps (which I read in college) Alejo Carpentier.
and Anxiety Disorders and Phobias, a cognitive perspective, by Beck, Emory, Greenberg.

I am hopeful that all my symptoms will remit, and I can rejoin the working world as a happily employed, pms (productive member of society).   I still want to raise a family, and have things like a house, a car, and savings (for things like travel, or kids going to college). I don't like feeling I'm a leach on the government or  taxpayers.  I'd feel better contributing to the tax base, instead.

My wellness recovery action plan (wrap) includes:
meetup.com
okcupid
volunteermatch
berkeley shambhala center
YMCA
people's yoga
superbetter
kaiser
and this, my blog.

I like my life.  I'm largely content.
But at the same time, I'd like to keep hope alive that it can be even better.

atheists going to hell

God weighs in
(the vatican recently corrected (?) the Pope on this)

atheists don't believe god exists
but i bet they believe love exists
if only when "making love"
so probably there's just a misunderstanding
i love myself, which is just another way of making myself god.

but for love to endure, all the time, some help is necessary-
we can all use a little help from our friends (the church),
with our relationships, even if only our relationship with ourselves.
they have an amazing program of spells and hypnotic rituals,
that can make believers out of children, priests, billions of adults,
and couples whose love is maintained and grown in a religious context.

self-reliance might not be enough.
two gods married to each other are bound to have some epic conflict,
unless one or both submit to a "higher power"
god the father (catholic priests are called Father)
looks after/over (altars are usually elevated) his flock of sheeple,
hears confession, offers advice and wisdom,
jokes, and interpretation of the "word of god".
Some people have "high-powered perception",
like the fictional hannibal lecter.
a lector is a reader in the catholic mass, by the way.

the church believes in a postulated (not proved),
preternatural (outside/beyond nature, or highly abnormal),
supernatural, immortal being.
Which is just a way, to me, of saying that all of reality has it's own consciousness.
Reality is immortal, lol.

just as sperm have consciousness, or the fauna in our gut (with it's own dna) does its own thing, there are different "levels" of consciousness: such as shared, heightened consciousness between two people during sex, or a "body" politic, or a colony of ants, or a country at war, or an ecosystem, or a family at dinner, or the way people's conversation intermingles at a restaurant, etc.  Mass is just another communal experience.  Literally.   I think sub-atomic particles have their own kind of life, feeling good or otherwise.  Food can be "crazy good" or "insanely delicious", which can be interpreted madly.

Great food is Gr-eat.  You know what I "mean".  The eucharist is a way of becoming one with the universe.   Jesse, the whole office of the eucharist.  Jesus, lord of hosts.  L or D, life or death.  One piece (third?) of the puzzle that is the trinity.  The universe is infinite (the only thing that is, in fact), so reality is God.  You'll be dead forever.  Wormfood for just a short time.  But just as the "body of christ" is the body of christian believers, outlasting Jesus himself, just as a book outlives its author, so too, they say, souls outlive our bodies.

I don't believe this.  I also don't believe in myself.  God is an atheist, lol.  I actually believe in "soulmates", though. 

To explain,
I'm not always number one.  Maybe god is a rotating position.  Most powerful human.  In high school, I was ranked first in one math test, once.

I consider "God" to be like a vampyr, or vampire, a creature from folklore and superstition, which includes ghosts, angels, the devil, and underpants gnomes.  And santa, the easter bunny, and the tooth fairy.  Only virtually real.  Belief is powerful (and can be contagious, too).   Roles your parents play.  God the Father (priest) plays the role of god, and that's a good thing.  These roles have elements of truth.  If they are believed, they are "true lies" (virtually true).  Put the virtue in virtual, is what I'm saying.  We live to love, so this hypnosis hits home.

The common understanding of a lie is any untruth. lying is to tell an untruth.  But there are two understandings, or definitions, of a lie.  To knowingly tell a falsehood.  A known falsehood.   A statement must be entirely true to be true.

The truth of an assertion depends on its words, and their meaning.  Meaning is fluid, both intended and received.  Something can be true/untrue, for different people?

E.g., "I am a good person"  This is not entirely true.  Kind to one person, cruel to another.   The bible says, "no one is good but God".    Be good= Do good.   Catholics have the sacrament of reconciliation.  It's a good thing.   I'm not a psychopath, so guilt draws me back to God (as other).  "surely this thing is known".   Hell is separation from God, they say.  Feeling unforgiven is a kind of hell.  Incarceration can be, too.  car.  Record.  wreck.  Gnosis.  no sis.  SS, flipped from schutzstaffel (bad) to support system (good).   Sarah Salazar.  The church has forgiven me, so I'm back on top.  God, again (if not holy, divine, sacred: respected and held in high regard).  helled.  wreck-onsillyation.  It, stephen king. I don't think I ever had a soul to lose/sell.   Do hammerhead sharks have souls?  maybe sole, eh?

Going to hell can mean suffering (like stubbing your toe or hitting your head), or causing pain for another, as in "I am going to hell you".   atheism anagrams to hateism.  Heart is hater.  If you're not forgiven, you might get a heart attack!  Don't be a hater.  It only causes pain. 

fun link from the onion about hell

getting organized

my memorial day

aka getting my shit together

exercise: in my room, walk-run-bike on the street, to the park/Y, freeweights or cardio (swim, elliptical, stationary bike).

"good"/"bad" (it's mostly just in your head): right, wrong.
right, left
healthy, sick/ill/diseased
sane, insane (legally) vs. potty, batty, goofy :-)
well, unwell
curiosity/engagement, bored/boring
communication, silence
(words, expressions, idioms, curriculum, teachers, instruction, speech, discussion)

stimulus
people (looks, charisma, sex<)
food, drugs, music, books/mags/paper
meditation, focus, multitasking

feelings
emotional:
sad/depressed/mournful; emptiness, fatalistic, nausea, sense of absurd.
happy, elated, "high", bliss, love-bliss

biochemicals
endorphins, neurotransmitters

Weird Names

of people I've met

Four (1st name)
French (last name), Holland (last), Israel (first)
Koran (first), Sheikh Threatt (full name)
Aka (Nigerian for 'hand of god')
Fire (first), Starfire (last), Siva (first)
Fries (last), Brie (first), Edom (last)
Hennessy (last), Brandi (first)
Duv (duvlaca), Kat (kaitlyn)
'Fish' is a kalx deejay.  Kathy Gill.
I saw a 'mosquito' on tv (dance show), and there's Dog, bounty hunter
There's Apple (gwyneth paltrow and chris martin's kid) and Halle Berry.  
I met a Ramen recently, and a Strawberry, too.
Bear (oso), Parrot, Tiger
Stormy (first)

thankyou God for your god, my god (!?)
thank you, yet no thank you-

happy memorial day!

 jog, jumping
learn, live, love, laugh
music, mating, monkeys, making crafts
relax, rpg's (role-playing games)
sleep, sports
tea, talk

vegan and bacon, both good

Successful Marriage

for Catholics, according to Rev. Frank Pavone
founder, Priests for Life

"In Christian marriage, one's spouse is one's "Number Two" while the only "Number One" is God.  CM.com is laying the groundwork so that in loving God, future spouses may find the only way to adequately love each other."

my interpretation-
If you're in love with life, the universe, and everything, (reality is the only God there ever is) then...
1)anybody will do
2)"Number Two" is Jesus (10,5,19,21,19) (for Frank, anyway)
3)he's making the church the "holy spirit," instead of say, Buddism
(Catholicism is the "only"? way)

I think my way, of two Gods loving each other, is just as good.
Maybe I'm wrong, though.
Things might be better if you're both manifestations of the same God.
I grok!

Iraq War

3/20/03-12/18/11 (at 4:27 coordinated universal time -UTC)

8 years, 8 months, 3weeks
2 presidents (W and B.H.O., from 1/20/11)
7888 U.S. dead (4488 military, 3400 security contractors)
1,455,590 iraqis dead -according to JustForeignPolicy.org

although
wikipedia says 37,405 iraqis dead
(11k invasion plus 26,405 post-saddam)
and
ORB (opinion research business survey/poll) says 1,033,000 idead
and
Iraq Body Count (using wikileak info) says 150,000 idead
(80% civilian)

not killed
51,139 americans injured/diseased/other medical
32,753 americans wounded

aside
360k U.S. vets suffered from TBI (traumatic brain injury)
in A/I (Iraq and Afghanistan)

I wasn't sure what this terminology referred to, exactly, so I looked up
the following (hope it helps):

-"To be hurt is to be experiencing pain It could be physical or emotional. You may feel pain from a bump on the head, a slap on the face, a pinch on the cheek but not actually be injured
-To be Injured means that there is something physically wrong as a result of the event. The injuries might be internal, and it is possible that you may not feel any pain, but there is Still something wrong.
-Wounded implies that the injury has an external component. The skin is broken and there is the presence of blood. Hurts and Injuries do not always require bandages, Wounds ALWAYS do."

Einstein quote:

("senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance...It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder")

War is stupid.

But, I admit, meat is murder, and I'm still a carnivore.

Hitler was a vegetarian.

I know people are animals, but I'm no hannibal the cannibal 
(or albert fish)

Eat the rich is an Aerosmith song, and a 1987 british black comedy film.

y'know, honestly, I wouldn't mind trying barbequed human, if they died of natural causes first.
I give you permission to eat me -AFTER I die-, if you like.

Triune God

I've filled out this form in triplicate

Today, according to the (catholic) priest at Berkeley Newman, is the celebration of the Trinity

23 threesomes:

God, devil, man
heaven, hell, purgatory
father, son, holy spirit
3 nails (jesus on the cross, feet/hand/hand)
faith, hope, love
endurance, character, hope (the consequences of suffering)
oral, anal, vaginal
alive, dead, undead
past, present, future
executive, legislative, judicial
win, lose, draw
me, myself, and I
naked, wholesome, sincere
good, bad, ugly
spacetime, energy, matter
here, there, everywhere
thought, word, deed
peace, love, happiness
liberty, equality, fraternity
veni, vidi, vici
sex, drugs, and rock and roll
eat, drink, and be merry
sun, moon, and stars

"It's All Your Fault"

some a-hole told me that

sanity: it's definitely not!

but, if you suffer this delusion, and the newspaper is pronounce 'noosepaper'
and you've had enough of the litany of horror that is the daily news...
then maybe you have suicidal ideation:

numbers to call:
kaiser oakland, suicide line: 510-752-5000
kaiser oakland, psychiatric emergency: 752-1075, ext. 2
kaiser san francisco, 415-781-0500
city of berkeley Mobile Crisis Team, 510-981-5254
"leave a message on the voicemail.  We check for messages frequently"
also
510-981-5900
"for Quick Service, this number connects you to the Berkeley Police Dept, which will contact the Mobile Crisis Team for you"
TDD 510-981-5799

other N. California Suicide Prevention #'s (24 hours a day)
Sacramento, 368-3111
Auburn, 885-2300
Roseville, 773-3111
Lincoln, 645-8866
 
the national helpline is 1-800-SUICIDE

my blood is not cold.

an interesting link on EXTENDING your lifespan:
(a Ted talk, click this link)

The Pledge of Allegiance

a revised, updated, modern version

I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of the World
and to the Unity
for which it stands
One Planet
under God (or "over God", if you prefer)
indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

(don't worry, I still love America)

what i'm up to

about 6'1...

walking marcel, enjoying my new computer, making friends, reading about aikido (the elements of aikido, greg o'connor), going postal by terry pratchett (humor), the new york times, watching young 'cere on youtube (he has a cd coming out), cardio at the Y, buying a slice of pizza (papa john's), jedi bicycling through berkeley and oakland, thinking about going back to work, trying to be healthy, messaging my brother in thailand, putting up art in my room, and eating TJ and McGee food, too.

B words

"on" my mind, of late

I bike, bart, and bus
bitches, broads, babes
barbie, baby
barbeques, beers, birthdays, babies
body building, big and bad, burly and buff
black and blue and brown
bare, bear
bright, brilliant
bills
 

Julu?

synonyms for sweetheart

ravisher, smasher, stunner, peach, looker, knockout, dish, beauty, mantrap, steady, sweetie
truelove

The Next Big Thing

Page Talk (an app?)

It's this: A service where you could click a key or a button or a link, and your page will be visible to a service that has people who will read that page aloud to you, as if you were on a phone call (so you could say could u repeat that) or (what does that word mean) or (talk slower, or talk faster) or you could buy a recording of what the reader said, if you like the way (he/she) said it, especially.
Some readers might like to work for free, others paid (by hour, or by feedback rating, or -of course- Demand).

I always liked it when my dad read to me as a child, and sometimes it's more fun to hear the cadence of a voice than to be in your head all the time, reading "subvocally" as so many of us do, or being embarrassed by having people watch inexperienced readers move their lips while they read.  Spoken word can be more easily understood, sometimes.

If created, I would like to be credited as the inventor, if not the designer (my tech skills are limited to creating my blog), and hopefully get some remuneration.

What do you all think?  Has this been thought of already?
-Jesse L. Teshara

Out Patient

I have an IOP followup at Kaiser

for 3-4 weeks, MWF 9a-noon, starting F 5-17-13.
I ate a piece of a pot brownie, stupidly, because I didn't keep in mind my first experience with pot (negative: kicking a mattress repeatedly), and didn't know the potency, or what kind of pot it was (indica is mellow, while sativa can make you paranoid).  I'm guessing sativa.  Also, it may have been a factor in causing me to get a diagnosis of bipolar, then schizophrenia (my birthmom is schizophrenic, so I'm genetically susceptible/predisposed) so revisiting the stuff can't be good (for me).  The thc (tetra hydra cannabinol), or as I call it -bubonic chronic- really freaked me out.  It brought back my horrifying nightmarish experience (component, it wasn't ALL bad) in jail and Atascadero State Hospital, where I thought I was going to hell, which was the hell itself. 

Aside (on hell).   The bible says you'll go to hell if you get a tattoo.  What that means is simply that tattoos are painful!  So it's only hellish while they stick the needles in you (unless you're a masochist).  I think it was Milton (Paradise Lost) that said you can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven, it's all in the mind.  Hell in a brownie, you say?  At least it tasted good.

anyway, IOP stands for Intensive Outpatient Program, in reference to the fact that I am "out" of the psychiatric facility (Telecare), and back in the saddle again, so to speak.  The appointment confirmation e-mail says Out Patient, which is a little different.  I am not outside (at the moment), nor am I an out of the closet homosexual.  I suppose I am an outlier, in some respects.

I'm not in, either.  Homosexuality can be defined 3 ways: Identity, Behavior, and Nature (inherent, born that way).  One can meet one, some, or all 3 of the criteria.  That is to say, you can consider yourself to be homosexual.  You can engage in homosexual activity.  Or you can be (a) homosexual.

In my humble opinion, Identity is a delusion, Behavior is like any other behavior (from blinking, to crossing the street, although I personally think anal sex is probably usually -for most people- unpleasant, and somewhat gross, especially if there's fecal matter involved), and Nature is like a congenital birth defect, which should properly be treated with compassion.  I don't think gay sex is "unnatural", because it happens in nature (everything that happens is natural).  I'm not homophobic -gays don't frighten me.  Being gay doesn't frighten me, either.  Unless you're a screaming queen in prison, for example.  Flaming, as they say.  Then you could get raped, abused, insulted, etc.  But acting gay is rightfully feared (as is heterosexual sex, for that matter), with AIDS as a possibility.  Homo means same, so taken literally, I'm not afraid of being the same as anyone else, theoretically.

The terminology, as far as I know, consists of bisexual, gay, lesbian, queer, transgender, and transvestite.   I suspect gays are no more happy than anyone else, despite the term.  The rainbow flag can be a symbol of gay pride, or it can evoke the biblical rainbow as a sign of hope.  There are pitchers, catchers, and versatile.  You can be one, two, or V.  I've read about Jesus as possibly working with the "brown chakra."  I also read online about a ballerina who preferred anal sex.   The three kinds of sex are oral, anal, and vaginal.  I don't consider hand jobs and oral sex to be sex, which I suppose is a view I share with Bill Clinton.

My history includes some homosexual activity (nothing anal, except putting my finger in my ass to see what the hell they were experiencing), living with homosexuals, growing up in San Francisco, watching 3 pride parades there, and reading Catcher in the Rye in high school and at Atascadero, from their library.  I've seen gay porn, and it looks completely boring and stupid and unexciting or stimulating.  A mechanical, passionless process of creating an orgasm.  I've been told I sound homosexual, years ago, by the cook at a room-and-board in Sacramento.  Gary was/is? his name.  I lived in the SOMA (south of market), and had a great orgasm being fellated while being scared of getting AIDS/HIV from Francisco's mouth.  Francesca, who I really wanted, left me in favor of some black guy, at the Cat club.  My best orgasm, I suppose, happened while I was masturbating in my room while thinking of being Bill Gates savaging a woman.  It was an effective fantasy, but not something I would want to actually do, or tolerate by anyone, ever.  I don't fantasize that way anymore.  A bit of personal revelation regarding my id versus my superego, there, if you give any credence to Sigmund.  Freud and fraud are similar words (in English), which I suppose is interesting. 

I am not homosexual.  I don't think they are sick or evil, but I do think they are often victims of the evolutionary heritage of competition between males for females.  The more males that are out of the running in the quest for a woman or women, the better the odds of hooking up.  One thing about Notre Dame University was that they had a 60-40 ratio of women to men (I think, maybe it was the other way around) back when I was applying for colleges, in '89 (I'm class of '89 from St. Ignatius College Preparatory).   ND was my first choice school (I got in), but money was a factor.  SI, interestingly, went co-ed the year after my class graduated (for the following year's freshmen).  I did not have or want any homosexual activity during high school.

In college, David wanted to make me switch teams, I think.  I was writing what I called the "master file" about power and dracula and I don't remember what else/ fuck all / god only knows.. when he came into my apartment because he knew my roommate, Jon Simms, who came out while living with us.  I went to his coming out party.  He (Jon) was Catholic, and went to the Newman center along with me and Erik Beever, my roommate on the lower bunk.  Bob Davis, the physics major, and I assume a physicist now, was the 4th roommate.  I liked Dave, then.  David said I was a vampire.  He called me a vampire.  He turned me on to Anne Rice.  I gave him a Count (Sesame Street) doll.  But I don't drink blood, and I am a humane human being, not a demon or cruel killer.  I truly resent this implication.  I have a dark side, as do we all, I think, but I wonder if my life might have been better if he hadn't labeled me that.  If he wasn't so smart and well-educated and well-connected, as a deputy attorney general for the state of California, I would sue him for defamation of character.  I believe he's fucked up my life.   On the other hand, I collect social security and disability, which affords me medicare parts A and B, and allows me to read and go to the library and the Y and write my blog.  That's my job, I guess, even though I only get 886 bucks a month.  I have a disability: schizophrenia.  The John Carpenter movie, Vampires, says a vampire can establish a telepathic link to his master.  That's what I believe David did.  Then again, maybe I was typing (on my Mackintosh) David's thoughts before I even knew him.  He was already in my head, or I in his, or both.  I think he thought (thinks?) I was (am?) his "soulmate."   Of course, I don't believe in souls (like a ghost inhabiting our body).  I do believe in telepathy, though.   I heard a voice in my head in second grade (St. Stephen's, in SF).  The process is not spiritual, it's physical (which is only a semantic difference).  Like radio or microwaves.  Or maybe entanglement, which Einstein had a hard time accepting. 

In any case, I did some reflection last night, in the spirit of the delphic motto "know thyself,"  and the result is not pretty.   When I asked David if he was afraid of the government knowing about his movie rental selections, (I think) he said they would be afraid of him.  In the same vein, when asked to characterize his psyche, he said "it's ugly".   Anyway, about me.  I've become somewhat asexual.  I masturbate infrequently, and sex itself is a rarity.  Maybe thrice in the last 4-5 years.  Which I guess is unusual, or literally "queer".  I have abnormal psychology, and (thus?) abnormal sexuality.  I'm happy with myself, but unhappy with David in my head.  I rarely have anyone else in my head.  I like it when it's just me.  I've always liked myself -self-esteem has never been a problem.  So I've been bi-curious, but I think, pretty sure, I've answered that question.  Not P, C, or V.   There are four types of male homosexual.  Simply put, I'm not gay (in any "way, shape, or form").  And I like it that way.

I've worn female clothes, of course.  I went to the farmer's market in Davis with a bunch of fellow Newmanites, dressed up in some wacky clothes from their yard sale.  And I've tried on woman's shirt (blouse?), inside my room.  It felt nice.  Sexually, that's almost irrelevent, though, in my opinion.  I don't want to be a woman, although it would be nice to (painlessly!) be able to produce a child, I guess.  I've wanted a kid for years and years, now.   The Jesuit priest who was the principal of SI said I'd make a good dad.  I like kids, I like kid-energy, I like to teach and read to kids, they're fun, and I'm seriously depressed-angry-frustrated-disappointed that I'm always by myself, with this stupid blog as my only child.  I have high school classmates with kids in high school, already.  I'm getting old.  I'm considering being a priest.   A Catholic one.  I don't want to be a virtual "Father", though.  I want a real kid, not a congregation to look after like a shepherd over his or her flock.   Ugh.  I've been to jail.  David called me a "dark agent."  I was charged with a felony (assault and battery, on 3 police officers), and I don't know what my legal status is.  I confess I've been a thief, too.  Starting with candy bars, when I was a kid.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church is utterly ridiculous to me, a heavy dose of hypnosis and spells and madness.  I probably wouldn't be a very good priest. Stephanie, a Catholic I know from college who likes my blog and prays for me, who I made out with, etc. in college, doesn't have a functioning reproductive system.  But I didn't even consider anal sex, back then.  I suppose I should have.

One (God), two (Jesus), three (trinity), four (the book of numbers is the 4th book), five (Christ), six (star of david), seven (Jesus Christ, 7-up -penis-), eight (god), nine (power), ten (say ten, satan)...

2 is also jew, monkey (which has monk and key in it), the two triangles of the star of david, LOVE (between 2 people) (or I suppose, between the individual and "god" (me?) (self?) (dog?)).

 As for what floats my boat, I like teens and blondes and long hair, but mostly if she's into me, flirtatious, wants me, makes the first move.  I believe I prefer brains, but I don't consider anyone i've been with to have been a bimbo or a ditz.  I care, I don't chew em up and spit em out, I don't want to be a heartbreaker, love em and leave em, I'm not a player, I don't have ho's in different area codes, I look for people I can talk to, too.  I don't want a harem.  I want true love.  Compatible, sexy, fun, funny.  Kind, intelligent.  Horny.  Maybe it's time I start being selfish?  Blowjobs on demand, for example.  Rich doesn't hurt. Pro-life.  And, of course, to quote the Sacramento News and Review (you should be getting it once a week!).  There's a fun kalx promo for their daily readings of the daily campus calendar, with a sultry voice saying we give it to you 3 times a day (!).  I want that.  And beauty, of course.  Like Ellen or Maria or Karen, lol.  Or Melanie.  Or Brandi (Buffy).

It can be an intellectual craving, though - I've seen too much porn, maybe, and the addictive sex was way back in college.  I want to be turned on.  Right now, I'm off, lol.  xxx is also 666.  Foxy lady!  Condominium can be misheard as condom in 'em (or condom in 'm).

voices
'all right'
'what's wrong'
'i melted'
'i can't take it'

"Melted" evokes Mel, my birth-grandmother's brother (birth granduncle), and Ted, the website.

I don't make a very good buddhist, either.  But who doesn't like (or need) a little sex, now and then??

Effects of Time

the reality, the word, the concept

decay, aging, senescence, senility, dying, sickness, feeble mind / body, weakening, dependency, death, change, transformation, adaptation, gettting older and wiser, over the hill, under the hill, pasta, out to lunch, time travel, memories, pondering, recollection, remembrance of things past, "life flashes before your eyes."

Abodes

homes and houses

apartment, studio, mansion, cabin, cottage, condominium
tent, tenement, teepee, wigwam, yurt
shelter, ghetto, jail, prison, cells, doorways
outdoors, indoors
world, earth, mars, la-la land

"a house does not make a home"

riff on words

Word up, dog!

talking dogs like aibo, (does goofy talk?), scooby-doo, dog body-language, psychosis

Anyway, I said riff, and that means (implies, entails) actual sentences (not lists!), so I'll describe each category of linguistic construction in poetry, and literature of all stripes, such as stories or essays.  Libraries are collections of books (primarily), but also magazines, music, movies, etc.

a body of language or notes is called a corpus, which sounds like corpse, but libraries are cool and happy places (for me).  You can meet people there, and meet people who have passed on. I don't know about ghosts -they say Tesla had conversations with ghosts...what I meant is that authors live on, in a sense, through their books.  Books are "immortality-projects".  Forget where I heard that.  Might have gotten the terminology wrong.  The reader is also a character, the author's creation, in a way.  Writing is power!  Concepts don't always translate perfectly into words, or even body language.  For example, someone on trial might gulp, but that doesn't mean they're guilty, necessarily. They say learning other languages helps one understand reality better, more tools in the toolbox, that is to say.   The first step to understanding something is to give it a name, the saying goes.  I don't believe that, though.  Words might be, can be, misleading.  Don't believe everything you think!

Words live in different places, lie, are in libraries, include Li, and Lee, can be nonsensical, and have synonyms, antonyms, denotations, connotations, and shades of kinding/meaning.  Homonyms for god's word could be eew (everything ever written), at a loss for words... acronyms, initialisms, sounds, characters, letters, verses, poems, numbers (e.g. the 789 joke), or even things.  People have their own personal codes.  People break hearts.  Is that a koan?  Is the koran a koan?  tmesis! abso-fucking-lutely!
I've gotten ahead of myself: don't forget about nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, articles, prepositions, subject, predicate, conjunctions, and articles <, lol.  Some poetry terminology, most of which meaning I've forgot, include anapest (she's not, and neither is budha), spondee, strochee, verse, meter, rhyme, and lines. Essays have thesis statements, introductions, topic sentences, bodies, conclusions, structure. I used to think essays were s.a.'s.  A LOT of things could be S.A.  Basically, every S word, multiplied by every A word (what number would that be, using the OED? lol)

that might be alot to chew on, kiddies.
all for now.
-me

3 books recommended by a friend:
1) Ficciones, by Jorge Luis Borges
2)El Reino de este mundo, by Alejo Carpentier
3)Nocturno de Chile, by Roberto Bolano
"philosophically powerful and gorgeously written"

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body

Power

or, as Schwarzenegger says, "powah"

authority (political)
electricity, energy, physics
"force"
the police force, crews, gangs, of same mind
strength in numbers, corporations
violence, threat of death, intimidation
money, wealth, capitalism
dignity & respect
love (on the rocks, or on steroids)
beauty, sexual power, s&m, b&d
domination
self-control (can calm your mind, not possessed)
emotions
hypnosis
music
healing, touch, trauma recovery
self-help
strength, size, muscles
development
addiction, "adrenaline junky," endorphins (rushes)
charisma
agreement
media, information, infrastructure, libraries, computers, schools
health, fitness
happiness

Power is also a brand of e-cigarrette, but Panda might be better

lists

Franz Liszt,
Book(s) of Lists, (there are several)
Schindler's List
and the following:

senses: see, hear, smell, taste, touch, intuit/feel
ologies: psychology, anthropology, sociology, theology, gerontology

see: vision, light, color, wavelength (range), roygbiv, red orange yellow green blue indigo violet,
crayons, paint color samples, dictionary terms for colors/ other languages/made up words, drug experience (e.g. swirls), synesthesia

hear:  hearing, sound, music, voices, thoughts, dreams, hallucinations/"voices", waves, ocean, shell sound, movement, contact, echoes, memories
* memories & hallucinations are virtual

smell: olfactory, pleasant, unpleasant, reek, stench, evocative, pungent, intense, strong, incense, perfume, fresh-air, air freshener, food (positive, negative, neutral...)

taste: gustatory, flavor, savory, sweet, salty, sour, bitter, spicy, intense, wasabe (also spelled wasabi), clear (palate), flavorful

touch: affection, intended harm, bumping into things, stubbed toe, massage, sex, shaking hands, grip, "T - ouch!" said Jesus.  "Pain -T" said the painter!

intuit/feel: inkling, spider-sense, premonition, headshock, chestpain, whisper-voice, "the force" , dread, anxiety, performance anxiety, jitters, fright, fear, worry, upset, tears, crying, sadness, sorrow, mad, angry, madness, insanity, orgasm, raped by a ghost, fear of public speaking, phobias, phobophobia, calm, tranquil, sex with a ghost / masturbation, cumming, spike,

"Dark" literature

from the Berkeley library

1)The Weird, a compendium of strange and dark stories (new)
2)The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror (14th annual collection)
3)the elements of aikido, greg o' connor
4)The secret art of pressure point fighting, Morris
5)Box like the pros, smokin' joe frazier
6)The Ultimate Mixed Martial Arts training guide (techniques for fitness, self defense & competition)
7)American Shaolin, Matthew Polly

in other news,
3 movies i have (but haven't seen yet), are
1)Valentine's Day (don't call it VD!)
2)Love Actually, the ultimate romantic comedy
3)The Princess Bride (Nikki's favorite movie)

Books I read as a kid

some

Dr. Boox
The Pushcart War
James and the Giant Peach
Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator
Tales of a 4th grade nothing
Prisoner of Zenda
Around the world in 80 days
White Fang
Johnny Tremain
Richard Scarry
Little golden books
Escape from NY -Ben Bova
Chronicles of Corum -Michael Moorcock

all of:
JRR Tolkien
Douglas Adams
Mark Twain

Richie Rich comics
Flowers for Algernon
A mother's tale
choose your own adventure stories
everything you wanted to know about sex (but were afraid to ask)
indian sign language
neuromancer
hammer of the gods
catch me if you can
cat's cradle
1000 years of solitude
house of spirits
anne rice

the lost steps
civilization and its discontents
sand county almanac
spite, malice, and revenge
year's best horror and fantasy

the tech I want

here's what I'm looking for

1)I want a compact, portable device that
-easily switches between online radio stations
(e.g. whrb, wmbr, kalx, kzsu, kcpr, gdradio.net)
-a single button to push to scroll through would be cool-
(i.e. online radio presets)
-as would voice commands- (e.g. "pandora, tallis scholars")
(or "philosophy talk, most recent", or
"joe frank, where I left off" or "continued",or
"newest cirque du soleil videos on youtube")
-with a display of song title, band, album, year
(and i guess label, although I don't actually care about that)

aside: my (apple MacBook) itunes does the presets, so ANyway...


2)automatically muted commercials,
or the option to pay for no commercials
or to select commercials for products i'm actually interested in / in the market for)
(or all of the above!)

3)ALL books, a universal library, available online
a) access to audio books, and/or maybe software that could read to you?
b) and software that translates
(around the world, as well as in jails/prisons)

4)the ability to print my blog (so it's also on paper, in addition to "the cloud")

5) recording ability for online radio, to listen to shows later (e.g. whrb orgies)

all for now

Morton's honey buns

I used to love those things

Bring them back!
(although maybe I've been rescued from diabetes by their absence/discontinuation!)

wicked good, lol

left and right

sinister and dexter, leftious and righteous

I think I just coined a word.

1)liberal and conservative got pegged left and right during the french revolution, because of the arrangement of the legislature at the time.

2)but long before that, left and right hands were nailed to a cross.  don't let one hand know what the other is doing, the dude said.  what a silly matrix.  left as evil and right as correct, righteous, good.

anyway,
what's left to say? ha.
3) catholic, I recently learned from a library dictionary, means liberal.  which seems really weird, because the Catholic church is conservative, right? priests wear both white and black.  who knows which is which!  or which is witch?

Goodness can be dark.

"turn to the dark side.  we have cookies" -bumper sticker I saw in Berkeley

joke: did you hear about the guy who lost his entire right side? he's all left now. :-)

a rant

I like psychology, and people, mostly.

Love the person, hate the sin. Without god, there's no sin, actually. Just law, and personal moral preferences. But I believe in basic goodness, even it the bible says no one is good. If I accept the premise that only god is good, then the conclusion is everybody is god. Which makes me kind of weird (!). I struggle with the phrase, "it's all good." I don't want to be the devil, y' know? ANyway, I studied IR at Davis (I earned a bachelor's), fired up to help the third world (development was my emphasis), before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, which took me out of the game, so to speak, but has the positive result (I tell myself) of giving me a degree of freedom -to read, write, not worry about healthcare (I have kaiser), and spend my days how I wish (I listen to alot of music). I don't have many friends, though. I go to the library daily, exercise, and blog. I just finished a cbt class, which was helpful. Meditation (I went last night) is also good, for me. I walk my ex's dogs, too. I'm  looking forward to winning the love lottery. Hopeful. I'm nervous about it, too. I hope I'm not too crazy for you (or too sane, for that matter). I like puns, and love to make people laugh. And I love to swim! -Jess

Puns I like

In various categories

Religion
catholic (PUNtifical)
1) what do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' catholic
2)church finishes, and a passerby asks a person coming out "mass out?", who replies, "no, but you're shirt's untucked"
3)I wonder if the new pope had ex-benedict for breakfast
4)a hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen.  A brother is frying chips.  The traveller asks, "are you the friar?".  "No, I'm the chip monk"
5)when a monastery sells olive oil over the internet, is that monk e-business?
6)what do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? a pecking order
7)what birds spend all their time on their knees? birds of pray
8)knock, knock, who's there, anthem, anthem who, you anthem devil you*
9)who's the patron saint of poverty? St. Nickelless
10)why did mrs. claus let her husband go to the beach? she just wanted to let santa cruz

buddhist
1)what did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? make me one with everything!
2)what's different about a buddhist vacuum cleaner? no attachments
3)why did the buddhist forego novocaine during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

dental
2)i've been to the dentist many times; I know the drill
3)no one knew about my dental implant, until it came out in conversation
4)why did the deer need braces? it had buck teeth

*
-the guitarist passed out on stage, he must have rocked himself to sleep.
-the inventor of the door knocker should win the no-bell prize

psychiatrist
1)I was arrested after my therapist told me to take something for my kleptomania.
2)my reality check bounced: insufficient fun!
3)dr, dr. I keep thinking I am God.  when did this start?  well first I created the sun, then the earth.
4)dr. dr. you have to help me out!  well which way did you come in?
5)math teachers have a lot of problems; people who keep their magazines have a lot of issues.
6)what lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? a nervous wreck
7)what did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into her office? I can clearly see your nuts!
8)the airline charged me for emotional baggage
9)the blue diamond truckers really drive me nuts
10) if you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital
11)a freudian slip is when you say one thing, and mean your mother.

sex and love
1)i love u.  it's my favorite vowel.
2) if there was a bisexual pride parade, would it go both ways?
3)she was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still
4)i had sex with a girl in an apple orchard. I came in cider.
5)have you ever had sex while camping? it's f-ing in tents!
6)i was going to tell a gay joke, butt fuck it
7)dancing cheek to cheek is a form of floor-play
8)if you wear camouflage condoms, they'll never see you coming.
9)don't have phone sex, you'll get hearing aids

Grokking Jesus

Jesus was one weird fish

He was a Jew.
He spoke aramaic, I think.  So his name was Yoshua?
He thought his dad was God.
because Mary, his mother, thought she was inseminated by God?
(nothing like some crazy voices to create delusions, no?)

with a beginning like that, he grew up to be guru, and started a new religion-

He supposedly
-walked on water
-turned water to wine
-commanded the wind
-expelled evil spirits
-multiplied loaves and fishes
-helped the fishermen (herded fish?)
-gave sight to blind
-healed leppers
-rose from the dead
-brought a friend back to life (reanimated Lazarus)
-reattached a severed ear
(what else?)

Personally, I'm a skeptic.  But if you spend your whole life believing you're God's son, I guess one might accrue some personal spiritual power.  Kind of like believing you're a jedi, today.  I still think it's delusional and crazy, though.  A virtual reality, not an actual one, is what I'm trying to say.

The crucifixion strikes me as unjust, but reveals how crazy Jesus was, in that he accepted it as the will of his father.  Then again, maybe Jesus was really angry and dark, taking out his fury on diseases and mental illness, for example. There's a (non-canonical) gospel that has Jesus as a youth (killing?) someone, I think.  So maybe he felt guilty, too.  And, like the movie Kill Bill, if you survive a hit squad, you've pretty much got a moral blank-check to get revenge on your would-be assassins, so maybe Jesus survived his crucifixion and is now a vampire killing antichrists the world over. 

See, I can be a little crazy, too.

My Meme

I am God

Morgan Freeman, who played God in the movie Bruce Almighty, has been quoted in interviews as saying "I am God,"  because he believes God was made by man, not the other way around.   God was made in man's image, another way of saying it.  I don't speak for him, but I think I know better than most what he means.

Kanye West is rumored to have named his upcoming album "I am God".  And he is, too.

1)"God is love"
I love myself
I god myself (self-apotheosis)

2)"only God is good"
I am good
therefore, I am God

(1 and 2 are different ways of saying the same thing, I think)

3)God is a role to play, an identity
(like Santa Claus)
In the song Santa Claus is coming to town, the lyrics say "so be good for goodness' sake""
That's the essence of religion.  I.e. "Be Good"
Santa may not exist, but you can change your name, grow a beard, give kids toys, and take on the identity.   That's as real as it gets.  (Just like vampires may not exist, but if somebody who believes themself to be a vampire kills you, it comes to the same thing).

4)God's name is "I am" (says the old testament)
which can be taken to mean as
a)God exists, or
b)God is existence (all of it),
i.e. reality, the universe, everything.
("Reality is all the God there ever is" -Adi Da Samraj)
("The All" -of which we are only a part- is God)
c)I am!

5) In the phrase, "you gotta look out for number one,"  'number one' means yourself.
SO,
when the bible says "God is one",
that can be taken to mean God is YOU.

6)You are what you eat (to which I would add, "less what you excrete")
So if you eat God, you become him.  You become good.
Which is the basic "mystery" of the christian eucharist.
My name 'Jesse' supposedly means "the whole office of the eucharist"
Don't eat me!  (and don't eat my dogs, either, please)
(Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian?)
relevant 'one' quotes:
-If God is one, how can I be evil? -Charles Manson

"We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively"
 - a (dead) comedian (forgot his name)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portrayals_of_God_in_popular_media

power and knowledge

"If I had God's power, I would change alot.
But if I had God's wisdom, I wouldn't change a thing"

?

I'm not sure I have either.

STEM
science technology engineering math
space time energy matter

Gratitude

from a worksheet used by my God-mother to help prisoners

"We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more." -Codependent No More

Say thank you, until you mean it.
Thank God, life, and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.

Gratitude unloncks the fullness of life.   It turns what we have inot enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events.  It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Gratitude makes things right.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy.  There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power.  We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.

Say thank you, until you mean it.  If you say it long enough, you will believe it.

Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.

North Korea

what I think needs to be said

Because, you see, I actually think North Korea makes a valid point.
And that is, why shouldn't it have nuclear capability if the U.S. can?

The principle under international law of national sovereignty means each country can govern itself as it likes, right?
And it seems to me it's only fair that if nukes are acceptable for one, then they should be for all.
Personally, I think NO nation should have them.
But I think Americans are often racist and condescending when they think we should have them but not allow other countries to have them, as if we were morally superior.
What really needs to come out in what I hope will be a diplomatically-resolved crisis, is the real reason why America is being hypocritical.  Do we need nukes to blow up earth-trajectory asteroids?  Do we need protection from space aliens?  Some other reason?  Is it just because we can??

Or are they just a (stupid and cynical, in my opinion) part of America's defense posture, as a supposed retaliatory threat, in a world where the only potentially instigating actors would be terrorists (not represented by states) or governments (that are not representative of their peoples), which makes nuclear weapons unthinkable and obsolete?