Day Well Spent

Today,

I updated K and my pre-application to Marea Alta ("high tide") in SL.  I went to Trader Joe’s and got flowers and food (yogurt, carrot juice, burritos, salami, protein bar).  I went to Sacramento Market and got carrot cake, bananas, milk, OJ, a steak, and beer.  I bought a sex toy from Good Vibrations.  I bought a smoking cessation device online from FÜM.  I bought jelly bellies and index cards.  I went to the library and checked out 2 books on Hebrew (Hebrew for dummies, and modern dictionary).   I researched craft centers in Berkeley and the Berkeley Art Studio and the Disney Family Museum and the Lawrence Hall of Science.   I attempted to invest in a cryptocurrency (my bank is not cooperating).  I bought a bottle of astragalus (to lengthen my telomeres :-).  And I drank a cup of black coffee in my new white Washington mug.  

The Potter’s Studio, 10-5 M-Su, 510-528-3286, 1221 Eigth St. Bkly 94710

Cass Ceramics, 10-5 M-Su, 510-424-1440, Albany, 533 San Pablo 94706

brushstrokestudio.com , 510-528-1360, 745 Page St. Bkly 94710 (pottery avg. price, $25)

Berkeley Art Studio, 510-642-6161, artstudio@berkeley.edu

Disney Museum, $25, R 10a-5:30p,  3-4hours+, 104 Montgomery 94129

   To Montgomery Bart, then 38R to Geary and Presidio, transfer to 43 Fort Mason

      Off at Presidio Transit Center

LHOS, Larry Hall of Science, 1 centennial drive, Bkly 94720, 10-5 T-M, 510-642-5132

Silence does not equal science (sos, the study of sound, acoustics)

Desiree desires dessert in the desert

Alice and Alex

frogs, pollywogs, and the ribbit exhibit

G-D in the garbage disposal

Things undone

jewelery, rent.com,  disneyland plan, Berkeley employment, claremont hotel/club, KP glasses schedule, MASD (martial arts/self defense) and JOKE books, learn the rules of tennis, gel my hair, pushups, and picking up my Amazon order.

My recent hospital stay cost $39,200.   The ambulance cost $5,716.56.  $44,916 for 2 weeks??   That's $134 an hour for 24 hours a day for 2 weeks straight.   TOTALLY fucking insane, IMO. They call ME insane??   Greedy bastards.   I'm still not sure I needed anything more than maybe just a bottle of atavan.   But I AM doing much better.   Thankyou, Jesus.

Plus, a quick reminder:

The Universe has 1 Billion+ galaxies.   The average galaxy has between 100B and 300B stars. Ours, the Milky Way galaxy, has at least 100B stars, according to many astronomers.  Intergalactic warfare is basically impossible, imo.    The distances are too VAST.  The average distance between stars is 29 trillion miles, or 5 light years.  Light travels at 186,282 miles per second.  For five years?   Between 200+? billion billion stars?  The average location in space is completely black.    This is just the KNOWN universe.

wordplay, world pay

currants and currents, frights and fruits, boats and bait and bites, reaching for a peach, pulling apples, Barry's berries, Lorin's oranges, Anna's bananas, daughter Helen's watermelons, slobbery strawberries, Newbery-award winning blueberries, amazin' raisins, aching for steak, Flaco's tacos, grape flavored vape, peaches on beaches, tech breakfast, munching on lunch, dinner for winners (breakfast of champions).  This speck is a wreck.    Fuck, I'm stuck.   Shit, I'm bit.  Damn, I'm ham and yams and jam.   Dude, I'm food.   Crap, I'm zapped.  Jesus, he's us.  Jesse Teshara evokes Jesus and rhymes with flesh... Shara story with Cher.   Madonna and fauna.   Laura and flora.  Rocco and rock stars and rocks and the third rock from the sun.  

nuts about butts, ape rape, and monkey spunk.   Drunk on rum and numb and dumb, with a thumb up my bum.  Poor whores and Johns that want spawn.    Butt-sluts and prostitution in the constitution.  Sex with Rex and cumming with bums and getting paid to get laid.

blood of christ

be lewd, annointed with (massage) oil.  suckers who believe.  Jesus, the vampire's vampire.   Prey for me.  G-D, getting drunk.  thirst for blood, for vengeance.  cross on the cross.   passion, getting nailed.  fingernails and toenails.   TOE, theory of everything.  FIN grr.  Hole spear.  Father, fat her.  Son of man, sun of man, my burden is light, photons, stars.  Shine your heavenly bodies.  Beauty, be a smile cross why.  Geezus.  Bless, amor.  I'm in your orbit.  

POST-Election Website

For When You Want the RESULTS

There should be a website, like Ballotpedia (a nonprofit), or a .gov, that you simply enter your address and get ALL the results of your ballot, as soon as they become available.   Ballotpedia focuses on educating voters on all the issues BEFORE the elections.   But AFTER matters, too.

Now, you have to google each result, individually, or comb through a newspaper for SOME of the results. 

There should be ONE site, nationally, for everybody to access their election results, imo.   I'm incredulous something like this doesn't already exist.  

A VISION

For the APPLE VISION PRO GOGGLES

A VIRTUAL LIBRARY

BOOKS (but also music, movies, videos, photographs, landscapes, experiences)

I have a book of “10,001 songs you must hear”.    That should link to the actual music.

THE BOOK LIBRARY

Like a public library.   Could be free.   Could have a free section.  Could be subscription to access, for all the books.   Or could charge for each book.    Maybe kids books, for example, could be $5/month, or something.   Or, you could subscribe to a genre.  Or subscribe to the Bestsellers.  Maybe an author would like to sell access to his or her full oeuvre.  I have a list of the TOP 100 kids books.   I have a booklet of OPL (Oakland Public Library) Teen Reading List (50 books, in fiction/horror/mystery/urban fiction/non-fiction).   I have Bill Gates’ recommended reading list.  I have 501 “Must-Read Books".   I have a title index and author index to “1,001 Books you must read before you die.”  I have the List of Newbery Medal award winners.  I have almost all the trivia (no joke).   These could all be easily accessible on a VL.

The LIBRARY I envision would allow you to navigate “shelves” and “pull” books off of them.

You can change the print size, highlight words in books for dictionary definition, and maybe even switch between audiobook and reading, if you like.   You could even switch languages.

You could place different languages of the same work side by side, for instructional use.  You could wear your goggles in an actual library, to select virtual versions for your headset.  You can highlight text, to paste and save, or for translation, or for specific words to link to a definition or Wikipedia article, say.  

You could search a subject.  An author.  A genre.  A year.  An award.   A list (like Gates’).   Reference, which you could easily compare/contrast with Wikipedia, say.   Trivia.   You can intersperse your reading with audio queries of Siri or typed/audio Google queries.    A scientist or researcher might have a different set-up than a newbie.   You could select levels of complexity and specificity.

You could arrange your own virtual library in any way you like.

Could you even search something like FICTION for themes?  Like Love?

One could certainly search for keywords, across as big a database as the tech or budget will allow.  

Artificial Intelligences should link up to the source reading material from which they draw.   For example, if there is a LAW AI that I query, for example, on “what should I know about a dog getting in a fight at a dog park?”  I should be able to read the laws themselves, or any precedent, etc.  in addition to the general knowledge answer,  rules-of-thumb, lawyer response.  

These are my thoughts.

I would love to work for Apple.    Maybe from home.   I am not an engineer.

But “I have a dream”.    Free library of all the world’s books, available to everywhere (internet), in a truly easy, accessible format,  that allows for both entertainment and learning.

In the Top 7%

 Richard says, I'm Rich!

I get SSA, SSI, Medicare, Medi-cal, free Dental, my brother pays my phone service, I have an ideal rent-controlled apartment in Berkeley CA, and there are things like free libraries, wifi, and food pantries...

(791+412) x 12 = 14,436/year.    The health insurance (and medications) are worth x.   An income of say, $18,500 happens to be the average farm-worker salary, in the Bay Area.  That's $50.70/d.    Only 7% of the world earns $50+/d.  

85% of the world (6.5B) earns less than $30/d.  71% earns less then $10/d.  50% earns less than $5.50/d.

Half the world earns $6.85/d ($2500/yr or less).   9.2% of the world lives on $1.90/d ($700/yr)

SSA?  Social Security Administration.  Or, Sub-Saharan Africa.  60% of the global poor live in the SSA.

Lying Pig Dog

Cheating

   I am accused of cheating, regularly.   Almost every day, in fact.  I’m tired of it.   It’s getting old.   I feel like either I will never be trusted, or I can never successfully convey the truth.  Or maybe even that is theoretically impossible to convince someone that you love them.   It’s depressing.  I get it.   Her ex cheated on her.  She’s been scarred.  Does she enjoy making me squirm?  Is it a dominance thing?   Does she enjoy hearing my protests of innocence and fidelity and commitment, while at the same time maybe making me feel sexy with the apparent conviction that I could have any woman I want, and women must be throwing themselves at me? She says she doesn’t care if I masturbate, but she cares who I think about if I do.  I suspect “cheating” somehow means simply thinking of other women.   That’s the only way it makes sense.   I mean, she talks to angels, the heavens, aliens, etc.   So who knows what they're telling her, or why.  I think the spirits are mischievous and like to make trouble!  I’ve stopped watching porn, and masturbating as much, and being my usual sexy flirtatious self.  Not that I’ve had all that much sex in my life.   Ugh.   Sometimes I wish I was a big cheater.   I even wonder if she’s TELLING me to cheat.   Like, be an adult and Go Live a Little, or something.  Love is devotion and delight, commitment and wanting the other person to be happy.  I have not cheated on Kelli, and I will not.  I love her, and she loves me, and I wouldn’t risk throwing that away for anything.   I have never cheated in my life.   I am not a cheater.  And I’m not about to start.  I haven’t cheated on K, and I never will.  I don’t want to.  We love each other.   Maybe she's understood this all along, lol.   She's really good at what she does.

    But apparently, I’m a “lying pig dog” for being horny.  K thinks I’m a really good liar, and lie to myself, and don’t even know who I am, or something.  Or maybe she really thinks I AM a cheater, and have been a whore slut with everything that moves, man woman or beast.  Pigs are considered dirty.  Pigs are a derogatory label for police officers.  Pigs are the source of delicious bacon and pastor tacos.   Pigs are intelligent, sensitive animals.  I am actually a Boar, in Chinese astrology.   Finally, I AM a dog.  I mean, I love dogs.  I walk dogs.  Dogs are people, too.  And people are animals.   All of us.  Dogs are happy and alive and run around and play and love smells and love to be petted and are real, eager to please, not playing games, as it were (although they’ll play fetch, or catch a frisbee, or roll around on the ground with their humans, or chase squirrels).   Being called a dog is a compliment, in my book.  I would rather be sincere and alive, than fake and dead.  Cheating on K might make me feel more alive for a minute, but losing Kelli would definitely make me feel dead.    I don't want to be neutered, but I don't want to chase every bitch in the dog park, either.   I like to flirt, but I only need One.

    She (Keli Jean, seer/vessel, priestess/goddess, abc, moe) calls me the holy triune of God, but also says the heavens are preparing her for another relationship (with The Morningstar, whoever the hell He is).   Jesus fucking Christ.   What the fuck is going on.   I've really had enough of this shit.  She IS fun, though!  I DID say I'd be loyal no matter what.   Are we testing each other?  Is it all spiritual warfare and political agendas and stuff like demonic rats?   

     The religious stuff includes me (Yeshua?) not being who or where I'm supposed to be, and words like meshisheach (mashiach is messiah in Aramaic, with "a she" thrown in).    I believe we're both pro-life.  The RAT thing?  Well, I'm a Teshara ('he's a rat' anagram), a democrat, and had a rat in my room awhile back (the rodent problem has been gone for many months).  I never had a pet rat, like one of those albino things with pink eyes, or the black beady eyes.   I enjoyed the movie Ratatouille, but have never listened to RATT.   Sun God (Ra) on a cross (T)?   Art, rearranged.    The art of being an ardent rodent.

An LPD, btw, is (also) a "Landing Platform Dock", which is an amphibious warfare ship used by the military, to embark transport and land elements of a landing force for expeditionary missions.

abc, anointed bride of christ.   moe, mother of the eternal.   dog, daughter of god.  

Leo, name/sign/lion, law enforcement officer, love each other, (both my parents)

   love ecstasy orgasm, king of the jungle (koj).  KJ

Morningstar is a boys' ranch in Spokane WA.   It can be Jesus, Lucifer, Mary, or JTB (John the Baptist).   Or Darren or Chip.  Or Mercury, Venus, Sirius.  Or a brand of vegetarian food.  Or...the star of a really good morning... (hopefully, me).  Or?

God is Reality?   Reality has no agency.  Not all death is a killing.   Just as not Everything in the Universe is 'Creation'.   All dogs may go to Heaven, but not all dogs are D.O.G.'s, daughters of god.    Well, maybe the bitches are.   So much of religion is SUPERSTITION.    Supernatural snatch and superman and supermom and supermarkets and supermario and supermassive black holes and supercars and superior superstars of superb superfluous supercharged supertramp superimposed on Super Bowl and supercuts superseding supper and other suppositions.   A super bowl of super soup.   Coming to term, and making the firm worm squirm, like an impermanent germ, Herm.   Cheat and chat.   Claim to be calm.   Suspicious Minds.   S and M.  Scrubbing and mopping.  Sex and murder.  Sadism and masochism.

cruelty, filth, whoredom, witchcraft, evil and wickedness, sin upon sin

a womanizing, adulterous, whore-dick

aside-

the Olympics host about 2,900 athletes (one website said)

In 2016, they distributed 450,000 condoms (in Rio)

The Olympics last 2 weeks.

So, let's say 3 weeks...155 condoms per athlete

That's sex, on average, about 6-8 times/day!!

I feel SO sexually STUNTED.

Okay, it's actually less now, for Paris 2024, but still...

11,300 athletes in 2020.   Winter?  Less.  2,971 in 2022.

300,000 condoms to 10,500 athletes (11,000+, actually) for 2 weeks =

2 condoms each/day  (and since it's half men, half women, that's 4 instances of sex each per day),  (319 medal events, btw)

GPT

 CHAT Getting a Place Together (lol)

   I have a nice place, already.   It’s in Berkeley, and there are x factors, at the least, in favor of it.   One, the weather.   Two, it’s only $750, with wifi and including utilities.    Three, it’s rent controlled.   Four, I have free dental in Berkeley.   Five, my family lives in the Bay Area.   Six, I have nearby dogs I walk  (Snoopy, Shelby, and sometimes Kaleb, Rover, Junie, and Duke).   Seven, I use Kaiser here, and libraries, and Cal, and KALX, and restaurants, and Bart, and….  Eight, there’s a lot of Bay Area possibility I haven’t tapped yet.  And Nine, I’m happy here and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.   

That said, K needs a new place by the 20th (9 days: within a week, basically).    

  1.  Edgar said she could stay with me for a week (what I asked for;  maybe, she could stay longer, if necessary).    Edgar gets back 8/28th, and can negotiate rent with K (if she wants to stay here with me) then.  She was paying $300.    She offered $600, this time (a month).  So HERE is a temporary solution, and can become a longer term one, at the end of next month.  But we would prefer our own place to a shared house. 

  2. If K and I move somewhere new together, we can both pay rent, defray each other’s costs, and help each other out, in an economic partnership of sorts.   I get $412 SSI and $790 SSA,  (total: 1202 monthly, or 14,424 yearly), and she has a full-time, minimum wage, job as a checker at Grocery Outlet, in Napa, that she can get a referral and transfer from (but have to start at the bottom all over again :-(.   So either I would need to move to Napa, or she would need to move someplace she has a job lined up (probably Grocery Outlet), such as in San Leandro.   Grocery Outlet has a website that lists all their locations.   I have RENT.com and craigslist.com that can make targeted housing searches, based on location, budget, number of bedrooms, etc.  OR, K could live near me, here in Berkeley.  But the commute to Napa isn’t TOO prohibitive, thank God (at least, not as bad as most people imagine).  K lives near the bus stop, and I live near Bart.  My 1200 and her 2300 (say) means we have a budget of a $1800 unit, maybe.

   3. “Out of State” : Because California is so blessed, the powers of evil are angry, and so a cloud of doom and gloom hangs over the sunshine state, and God is telling people to go North, according to one version of the story.  My ex and her family moved to Portland (Oregon).  K wants to go to Washington (state).  I read a book where the North is lush and the south becomes a wasteland (with a mysterious well…you know it?  Can’t recall title, author...oh, Annihilation, by Jeff VanderMeer).  Anyway, Tacoma? is a possibility, K likes.  I’ve never been to Washington.   Another version of the story is there are bad people in California we need to be safe and get away from.  I prefer the carrot to the stick.   She wants to live by the shoreline, and the beauty of living on a beach far outweighs (in my mind) a possible threat from unknown dangerous criminal types.  In any case, I don’t want to move into danger zones, like paths of Hurricanes, or forests that could burn, or what have you.   I don’t mind living in an earthquake zone like SF, though.  I can’t stand heat and have no experience in blizzards, either.   I’m an Eagle Scout, but that doesn’t mean I should move someplace more difficult!   Davis or Sacramento Summers?  f that.

   4.   Until we (both) get our finances figured out, we can support each other and live in a temporary situation, “For A Minute,” as K says.  It could turn out to be a long minute, lol.   But I’m happy being around Kelli, so let’s see what happens.  Motivated, dedicated, ooh rah.  

What I Want

Kelli:

I am tired and sad and weary and depressed and low-energy and feeling lazy and unmotivated.   I want to change my life.  I want to be rich and have a house and dogs and cute baby, with my man.  I want to be raptured to heaven and spirit-fogged and live happily ever after, with God.  I want to live far away, and start over, maybe in Washington state, near the ocean, with a camper van that can take us on trips to Nature areas.   Preferably a nice one, like a Mercedes Sprintervan, with a conversion.   I want a high-paying career, and a vacation to somewhere warm, and a better Day, a better Life, a better World.  I want enough money to not have to worry about money.   I want extra for inheritance and college and charity and reserve funds for emergencies and all the toys I want.   I want enough for necessities and luxuries, needs and wants, requirements and impulse purchases.  I don’t ever want me or my children and family to be poor, ever again.  I want to look good, feel good, and be healthy and live long.   I want to be strong, fit, well, and sane.    I want to be flexible and do yoga and stretches.  I want to read lots, fast and well.  I want to be happy and content, and reduce suffering in the world, and make a difference.  I want enough sleep, and not too little or too much delicious healthy food, and have freedom to watch tv, or listen to music, or go to museums, or what-have-you.   I want mind-blowing sex.  I want drugs.  I want oxytocin and endorphins and natural highs of love and exercise.   I want to be happy no matter what,  I want to not want, I want equanimity, calm, bliss, enlightenment.  I want fun, laughter, play, cheer, and unseriousness and light-heartedness.  I want openness and acceptance and commitment, no matter what.  I want the dream.  I want it now.  

Jesse:

I want to be off psych meds, I want to be sane, I want to be diagnosed as normal, I want to be paid to be a writer, I want to have a beer, and write for hours every day, and get published, and gain a measure of fame, and help people make sense of the world, and be entertained.  I want to write about evil without being considered evil, myself.  I want to take a bite out of crime.  I want to have thunderous sex, often.   I want to make Kelli so goddamn deliriously happy she never considers an early death again and lives long, prospers, and dies well, satisfied with a life well lived, and maybe the promise of a possible, and deserved, heavenly reward of eternal bliss.  I want to have a child or children, raised well, and healthy and happy.  I want sushi burritos and thai iced teas and los pericos pastor tacos and sinaloa chile relleno burritos and trips abroad and staying the fuck off airplanes and the hell away from concrete cement asphalt pavement and avoiding every goddamn commercial, and staying the fuck off freeways at night with the glare and the red.  I love taiko drums.  I want to see Japan.  I don't want to waste my life in front of a computer or phone screen, scrolling through nonsense.  I want to use my Spanish.  I want to use my God-given talent to write well.   I want lots of friends.  I want nothing to do with a certain pos individual.  Love is devotion and delight.  I want to learn and ask and earn and give. I want to have a pair of Apple vision pro goggles.   I want to be bigger and stronger and fitter.  I want access to a swimming pool when it's hot.  I want what Kelli wants.

  

Med USA

Darkness and Sin

pohe’s (pit of hell entities), demons, evil spirits, medusa, monsters, hellions, snake, witchcraft

demon-possessed, dark powers and principalities, wicked evil sinful turpitude

Cruel brutal savage.   Crime vice sin.   Kill mutilate abuse rape torture.  Target.  Mad crazy insane.

Chef, cook and eat human flesh. Doctor Hannibal Lecter. The Hannibal Cannibal.

Wrong, immoral, bad, unethical, illegal, criminal, unlawful.  

Vicious vice, Vile villainy, Vampire victim, Voices and visions, Virgins, vaginas, vv

Kill cook and devour human flesh kcdhf.   UCD.  You cook and devour.

Ingest, in Jess T, in jest.   Infinite jest.  Just Jest.   Justice is the gist.

Delicious, Nutritious, and Fun to Eat.    Sabroso, Tasty, Yummy. 

  Vitamins And Minerals Punjabi Indian Restaurant Ethnic?

the freaks come out at night.   the vampires in the dark.   nocturnal predators.   cannibals, carnivores, criminals, dark depraved devil demons.   private, behind closed doors, in the shadows.

Cool, cruel, and Chacmool.   Hot, rotten, and on a yacht.  

cold wind, darkness and sin, knight at night (cool!).  hot with hate, burning with passion, fire of hell, pure pire, hell as he will, unrequited love, ass passion, pit of hell, lubricated intense tight anal sex, hot dirty sex, on fire, flamer, I'm burning for you, faggot is a cigarette or bundle of sticks (that burn), some women prefer it, "that's hot."

Kind, with a mined mind, and signed up to Gein

A wicked dick, in insane pain, in penury and fury, desiring fire and fun with a gun

Justice for Augustus.   Vengeance for ten gents.  Payback for shit…way back.

Forgiveness for living.  Acceptance of leptons.  Repentance of fentanyl.

Deliciously vicious.  Great hate.  Dire ire.   Fang anger.  Rage in a cage.

Mage rage.  Blacks in sacks.  Wizarding lizards.  Harry Potter’s daughter.  Blue devils and Red Devils.   blue viper from Indonesia, red amazon snake.   to red and blue we'll all be true.

Whack blacks fighting spiteful whites because of racist bassists in randy bands

pod people and payment on demand and payable on death and prince of darkness, fingerprints of darkness, it gets dark in the ark

SMALBED (SMELBAD, BEDLAMS, DEBSLAM, BDSM ALE, SBD MALE)

    satan mephistopheles antichrist lucifer beelzebub evil devil

satan serpent snake sin sex suck sadism sadness sorrow sickness (sebida?)

saint santa sunshine sense and sensual scents, sipping scotch

heaven, happily ever after violating ethical norms

"why is Santa jolly? he knows where all the naughty girls live"

demonic rodent, demonic rat, democ-rat (republican spell)

incompetent "republican't" (dem spell)

    (a publican is a tax collector, or owner/manager of a pub)

    licking the reaper

Always Loving Life

MEDS- massage excitement drugs sex

Is DAVE deliciously and viciously evil?

Is the CIA cheating infidelity adultery?  confusion ignorance anxiety/anger?  

    craving aversion ignorance?  cold as ice?

is ALL -  Love, God, Intimacy, Sex, Marriage, Romance, Children, Friendship, Bliss, Heaven?

Who is the Devil?

Savoring delicious evil, it is a depraved cruel brutal savage demonic monster pit of hell entity that viciously abuses rapes mutilates tortures kills cooks eats and shits its victims, just for the hell of it.   The devil is opposed to God, but of course it is God who executes rightful judgement on the wicked, sending the damned to the devil for justice and punishment.  God is always and everywhere, so He's in hell, created the devil, and in fact made the sinners, with their brain chemistry and inclinations and yetzer hara and destiny, fate to suffer.  Just as there is God and gods, maybe in Hell there is Devil and devils.  A God who sentences any being to an ETERNITY of suffering is evil Himself, in my book, because forever is a infinitely long time, and always undeserved.   Of course, I'm playing the role of God, which comes off as arrogant, that is, an attitude of extreme and foolish pride and superiority.  If so, sorry.  I confess to having a self-image of being Better-than-God, in several respects.   I don't deny it.  Reality is all the God there ever is, and the Universe demands Humility and Submission.  Not!   Also, people are not evil.   Bodies are not evil.   Decisions and actions can be.   But they are part of the learning process, the learning curve, and therefore good.   Even God, who knows all, must have made all the mistakes Himself!  The path to knowledge wisdom and understanding (indeed, Omniscience) entails making mistakes and being sinful and being judged and punished.   God is good and God is dark, and both the crime and punishment are all good, because God is love, and He never makes mistakes.   Even sinners are children of God, and loved by their Creator.   The justice system of a virtuous God is, should be, would be, proportional and forgiving.   God is good.   God is not evil.   God is a man of war.   War is the art of deception.   Vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord.  Matthew 25:41 and 25:46 are often interpreted by Christians as evidence that the wicked will be eternally tortured in hellfire.  I prefer to think of this a terrorist threat.  I'd rather think of God as an intimidator than a being of pure evil and torture.   Is God a sadistic tormentor?   I AM,  He says?   A dungeon master.   For the game dungeons and dragons, and maybe, for real, too.    A twisted, sadistic fuck.   Or just a psy-warrior who believes in scaring people straight.

Witchcraft is the use of supernatural powers of magic to inflict harm, misfortune, or evil on others.  Witches are usually defined as malevolent, with an evil spirit or substance within them.  It is understood as a way to explain misfortune, and assign occurrences of remarkable good or bad luck to agency, whether human or superhuman.   They get their powers from communion with evil beings, and through the use of objects, words, and gestures.  Aside from modern Wiccanism, modern belief in witches has dwindled since the Age of Enlightenment (17th and 18th centuries).

Plus

High Throne God of Heaven, Elohim, Holy Triune God, Goddess Priestess anointed bride of christ and mother of the Eternal, Father God of Heaven in the Spirit-Realm, muckety-mucks, angels, heavenly beings, spirits, particles

dental denial, messy messiah message, doing laundry in Washington

Silas the messiah sighs over buying a guy (why?) named Zebediah in Ukiah

'merbenzi' - rich person, in Swahili. (Sprintervan to the Olympics!)

CBC, cannabis buyer's club, community bible church, and criminal background check

assess your ass, asshole (look at it!   it's perfectly round!)

God is corporate, and delegates to the Devil 

    (strange angels range over the mangy grange)

DSM:  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual

   Devil Satan Mephistopheles, Demon Serpent Monster, Depraved Snake Medusa

   Damned Savage Mom, Darkness Sin Malice, Drugs Sex Money

SH and UCSF (Sacred Heart and University of California San Francisco)

    Sexual Health and You Cream, Spirit-Fog, Suck Fuck

    Anne in a van in San Fran

My Day by Jesse Teshara

 Today

I took my night meds (lithium, depakote, haldol) and my morning med (amlodipine), I took my daily fish oil and multivitamin, I had breakfast of oatmeal orange juice and coffee, I gelled my hair, used underarm deodorant, brushed my teeth and my hair and used mouthwash,  I  got my bike helmet from Karen's, I brought my bike on Bart and picked up an application for Marea Alta in San Leandro for K and I, I had a quick fun chat with Julie Sam and Miette there, I ate two pastor tacos from los pericos, I did 300 pushups, I read some Economist, I read 1440 email newsletter, I cleaned the filter of my therapure air purifier, I bought a book on Amazon (Guide to getting it on, by Paul Joannides), I scheduled my Invega shot, and I talked to K while she was on break at work (Grocery Outlet, in Napa).   I uploaded photos to the blog.  I reviewed old texts on my phone.   I listened to music (whrb, wprb, wmbr).  I bought a chile relleno burrito from the nearby taco truck (tacos Sinaloa).  And I texted K and Mom and Greg, checked for a reply from Edgar Velazquez, landlord, who is presumably in Ixtapa Zihuatanejo (Acapulco, actually).  I opened snail mail, including from the DNC.  I got an email from my high school (SI, class of '89) about a 35th anniversary reunion on 11/2, $40, only classmates, in SF at the Italian Athletic Club in North Beach.  Took a quick nap and talked to K again.

Tomorrow, I have a social worker phone call in the morning, the strong need to help K find a place by the 20th, and a pile of paper to process, (books email economist trivia) to read, and food pantries to go to.  Plus the same hygiene, food, exercise, music, staying informed, and social stuff I did today.

Kelli and I

 

Me and My Beloved, Keli Jean

She wants me to say all the thoughts on this blog are mine, not hers

Pos Psych

+ Characteristics

Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent. Flexible, nurturing, thoughtful, confident, optimistic, respectful, determined, skilled, motivated, resilient, self-directed, reliable, relaxed, listener, decisive, enthusiastic, forgiving, humble, responsible, cooperative, frugal, tolerant, innovative, balanced, strong, fit, healthy, well, sane, happy.

Dead Milkmen, Meaningless Upbeat Happy Song:   Don't Trust the Happy, the happy are insane.  If they tell you Jesus loves you, run away.

A drop of fiction

Hello, people.   This is a bit about my life.  My name is Yun Ming Chao.   I am 41 years old.   I live in the United States.    I was born in the People’s Republic of China, in 1982.   My parents left a year after, and all my memories are of America.  How did they escape, you ask?  They are highly trained nuclear physicists who would be highly prized in any country of the globe.   So when they discretely made their wishes known to the U.S. embassy, arrangements were made to whisk them out of the country, by helicopter, then jet, with an elaborate ruse of disquises, and -of course- ME.   I’m told I was sedated.  I guess America is an improvement.   China is a pretty amazing place, too, though.   I’m sure some people do the opposite thing.   People can get tired of just about any darned place.   Even Disneyland.  

Myself, I don’t see what’s so special about knowing physics.   Computers know all that stuff inside out, already.   And why would governments want to go to so much trouble to build bombs?   To create the capacity for nuclear annihilation?  To threaten the entire world with nuclear winter and even the end of human life itself?  Fuck physics!  Fuck my parents!

Juan Chao and Judy Chao met in college at the University of Beijing.  I know, JC’s, right?   They fell in love with a big bang, I guess, and something to do with a jet of particles in a black hole, I suppose.  9 months later, in the spacetime continuum, I was born.  I’m told males are born from doggy style and females from missionary.   Maybe some day I’ll ask my parents if they remember!   Does God know this kind of thing?   How many hairs are on my head, anyway?  Blondes are born with an average of 100,000;   Redheads, 90,000.   It ranges up to 150,000.   The answer? 108,874.    Inquiring minds like to know.   Don’t ask.

I am the only child of Juan and Judy.   They might be trying for another, but they keep that to themselves.   I wouldn’t mind having a sibling.  They doted on me, and raised me with their full attention - not even a dog.   I’m grateful, I guess.   I speak Mandarin and Cantonese, in addition to English, and I’m fluent in Spanish, French, and Thai.  People say I’m a genius.  Really, I’m just focused and disciplined, with a good memory.   It’s not hard to be me.  I didn’t even go to college.   I’m just curiious, read alot, and am well-connected to people-in-the-know.    All you need for a good education is curiosity, drive, and access to a library., in my opinion.  Plus, writing helps me organize and clarify my thoughts.   I keep a journal, and.a blog, and have 4 published books: of poetry, of philosophy, of politics, and …(no, not physics!!)…fiction.

There’s different kinds of smart.   You should cultivate all of them.   But my gift is Nature.   Appreciation of plants and animals and the natural world.  I draw everything, and read prodigiously about ecology, evolution, zoology, botany, geology, limnology, and things like sociobiology or paleoanthropology.  Life is truly amazing.   My parents may be capable of destroying the planet, but the force of Creation is far stronger (even if it only takes one match to destroy a forest).  Love always wins, they say.  I’m a lover, not a fighter.   Although fighting is certainly natural.   Anything is natural.   You’ve just got to condition someone to it.  Almost anybody can be almost anything.  I love love.  I don’t even fight against fighting.  

Promise of Prom Promiscuity

 Prometheus is not prominent

Well, folks.   I'm on some new drugs (meds).   I'll tell you if you're nice.   I saw a phone number for mushrooms on my dog walk, today.  Tempting, but my dalliance with pot went awry, so why go further.  To the world: ARE YOU OKAY?  ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  Really?  There is evil out there.  Please be nice to each other.  People can be so cruel.  The world needs love.  Crime needs to be prevented and defeated.   Inculcated against with values.  Threatened with hell.  Promised with prison.  And all the criminals, along with everyone else, deserve ALL our love.  The world can be a beautiful, beautiful place.  

Reality is complex.   Reality is simple ("all that exists").    Words and numbers can be fluid, and sometimes should be.  Multiple meanings, complexity.  Misspellings.  Creativity, new words, new definitions, new meanings.  Gods and gods and God and god and Omg.  And no God at all.  

Has anyone ever told you, "It's all your fault."    Don't take this literally.  Like all of history and the universe and the news and the goings on of every individual on the entire planet, for the rest of eternity...  There IS such a thing as taking yourself too seriously.    Like a psychiatrist that thinks he's causing everyone's problems.  Or a player that thinks he's responsible for every loss, or something.   Lighten up, dude, and dudette.

LORDS:   love orgasm righteousness despair.      life omniscience retarded death.

Coffee affects your coffer.    Coffin?  Only if you don't cut back after side effects like heartburn, nervousness, and insomnia.  I like mine dark, lots of cream, lots of sugar.

Hope Healing Recovery.   Good mission statement.   Peace, freedom, love, therapy.   

Live, love, laugh, and Liberty.    Earn and Give and ASK/LEARN and Live.

Spiritually open, anxiety, insomnia, fear of alcoholism..   (telepathy, voice, good ol' Dave)

ISIS, what IS IS.   Alcohol is a depressive (can be, in excess), like life is suffering (what the Buddha famously said, not meaning ALL of it, obviously).

Kelli compared David Foster Wallace (DFW) to Jesus, after watching his 'Like Water' video on YouTube.   My default-settings (DE - David Eldridge said it was all my fault).    Infinite Jest makes me think of me, Jesse Teshara ("Jess T" - jest), existing in some infinite way.   But I don't need to think that way!  I'm pretty sure we all have our allotted time, impermanent, and then back to dust, oblivion, nullibiety. 

'Infinite Jest' is the title of a David Foster Wallace novel (I've read).   The title comes from Shakespeare (Hamlet), in reference to Yorick, the king's jester (alas!  I knew him well).   Alas, DFW committed suicide (in 2008).   I have almost all of his books.

Interesting questions:  Was I happy in the womb?  Was I born neutral, didn't cry?  Did your mom stick her finger in your butt to see if you squeal (supposedly to see if you're gay)?  What did they do to you?   Were you raped?  What are the consequences of your name?  Did you get an award in something you're not really any good at?  Did you major in something you ended up not using?  Were you overly ambitious?  Are you a "totally useless person"?  Is "skirt steak" an insidious name for a delicious dish?  Does Star Wars make kids want to have superpowers, delusional fantasies they have no hope of ever, ever acquiring?  Who is in our heads?  (For example, I named a dog Ollie-Guacho).   It could be guacamole nacho, or it could be an epithet for a bastard (I discovered later).  Are you a bastard?  Did you have a moment of nausea in church?  Did your parents fight at the dinner table?  Did you start a new life on the wrong foot?  Did you neglect to marry the love of your life?  I called a dog dopey.  He later walked into a tree.   Did I do that?   Does Jesus want us to PREY for him?   What is the John Wick quote getting at, "I have served.  I will BE of service"?  (Are you a greater sinner than you admit to yourself (or God)?  Do you not believe in sin or God, anyway?  Do you think fairness requires harshness or laxity?). 

Be GOOD to yourself, LOVE yourself, take care of yourself, and get the support you need.   The Universe may be indifferent, but you don't need to be, and the people you surround yourself with should care. 

Has anyone ever asked you, "WHAT are you?".   What is the "dark web", exactly?   Who put the alphabet in it's current order?   Is there a rhyme or reason to it?  Is it hopeless to attempt a baby?  Then again, JS Bach had 16 kids, but has no living descendants today.   Is "jacket" deprecatory toward onanism?  Are hotdogs severed-penises??   Spray for me, Jesus.   What does folding (origami?) have to do with the 8-fold path?  Is Economics EEK o comics?  Were Clinton and Gore elected on the resonance of their names with sex and violence?  (clitoris bloodbath).   Are you a baby in a grown man's body??

Spaceship earth, yellow submarine, it takes a village

You don't owe anybody anything, and nobody owes you anything, either.

Why do earworms persist??  How do you clear them?

Sudoku is not a pseudo-coup

"crazy and not in recovery" vs.  Sane and best friend ever, with promise of All

Many Factors that go into Well-Being

Hope this Helps

ANY IDEA SHOULD BE FUN (REALITY MUST NEVER BE FUN, thought of because I want to prevent it, if it ever becomes a possibility, anywhere).   Isolated or growing.

Freedom, Chemicals and Food (Diet and Nutrition),  Exercise and Fitness, Love Relationships Intimacy and Sex, Compatibility Pleasure and Attraction, Money and Things, Hypnosis and Contentment and Equanimity and Lack of Resentment and Forgiveness, History and Conditioning, Safety and Peace, Preparedness, Humor and Light-Heartedness, Trust, Kindness and Virtue, Self-Care, God, People around you, Words, Dreams, Conditions, Entertainment and Distraction, Goals, Livelihood, Nature, Stillness and Calm, Meditation, Sleep, Torture Torment Pain Suffering and Resentment, Psychic Vampires, Environs, Philosophy Religion and Culture, Predators Crime and Sadists, Variety and Change, DNA, Health, Compassion and Empathy and Understanding, People Places and Things (family friends co-workers roommates) (travel and culture-shock) (objects and ideas), Creativity, Mind. 

Plus, some Buddhism, etc.

Compassion for God, criminals, soldiers, haters, psychopaths, victims.   Sympathy for the devil.

Kindness is my religion.  Not spite, malice, revenge.   Resentment and cruelty.  Anger hatred rage wrath fury.   Ire, grumpiness, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, sadness, depression, suicide.  

Suffering exists.  Life is suffering.  Suffering is real and almost universal.  Suffering has many causes: loss, sickness, pain, failure, and the impermanence of pleasure.    Things like humiliation, broken dreams, sadness, and loss.

You can be happy to just be alive.  You can be happy for no reason.  You can be happy from heroin, exercise, love, vacation, money, entertainment / escape.   You can be happy from justice.   Winning.  Food.  Most anything.  Hypnosis, self-hypnosis, medications, therapy, dreams.  Meditation.  Nature.  Self-realization.   Making others happy.  Reducing suffering.  Trying, effort, discipline, fulfillment.

"Arrogance" - attitude of superiority (I have more humility than you, lol)

Suffering from desire and craving.   For things, ideas, habits.   You can just be.   Endure.

Songs: I wanna new drug (HL and the News), Love is the drug I'm thinking of (Roxy music), Alone Again Or (Love) : "I could fall in love with almost anyone"; Love the One You're With (Stephen Stills); Outside (Staind).    Live until you die's the only way to stay sane (misheard Sublime lyric)/ only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy (-Susanna Kaysen).

Love can be a feeling and a choice at the same time.   A decision and emotion.   It shouldn't be forced, unnatural, or inorganic.   But you can also say, "damn the torpedoes"  (the "matrix" can be really, really stupid).   Sometimes there are forces and agendas.  Love needs to be renewed, maintained.   "it was cold that day."   Love wants to make each other happy.  Grok and understand.

People want to feel special.   And everyone is.   Remember, you're unique, like everyone else, lol.

the cooking instructor asked, "who knows where the thyme goes?"

'you're a natural therapist, Jess';  'you're gonna generate so much love'; 'the world is so fucking insane'

"axolotl questions".    "pooped and popped".   "resentment and zen enlightenment".  

is everything military psychiatry?  (that is to say, life or death).  ..mean, angry, vengeful.  I had a dream with a soldier saying, "it's evil NOT to kill, actually".   Some believe it's cruel NOT to be cruel.   What's the difference between a psychopath, a sociopath, and a "pure" psychopath?  Was the earth seeded with life by an extinct alien civilization that sent robots (with DNA or whatever) to search the Universe for a new place to live?   Are we alone, have we always been alone?  "seems like a pretty big wastes of space"

People change: age and appearance, medication, circumstances, even personality sometimes.

Philosophers that like to think, think a lot, and "never mind".  huh?  condense, filter, distill

To be grate is to be misunderstood - Ralph Waldo Emerson.   Was Jesus a lethal self-hating psychic vampire?  (christian borg, some of them) 

Darth Buddha, psychopathic Buddha (dual Nature, e.g. predator and prey)

Shaman and shawoman and showmen